SHJ Ten Year Reunion
by Kaeru Shisho
Summary: The fourth story in the Seyruun High Jinx series chronicling the Slayers band's beginnings to their romantic culmination. Story complete December, 2004.
1. After the Musical

SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07-04

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

Note: We do not own or claim any rights to the Slayers characters; we just wish to borrow them a little while longer.

This story is intended to follow Seyruun High Jinx NEXT. Please be patient for all the parts of this story to unfold. I know you will be, to have made it through all the other stories up to this point. But unlike the previous Seyruun High Jinx stories, this one is told and retold from different characters' points of views; so that before we reach the ending, different versions of the story have been chronicled revealing new facts. The reading, then, becomes a kind of guessing game—how will it all turn out? Hmmm, but then, doesn't that just sound like all the other stories? Well, yes and no, because this one is a romance...

**Chapter One: After the Musical**

"We are all so much together, but we are dying of loneliness." -- Albert Schweitzer

* * *

–- We begin with the Ten Year Reunion Preparations...–-

The plan was to do a concert for charity, monies to be distributed by the Mayor's Fund. It was ten years since our musical, our 'coming out' as a band of Syndicate Slayers as well as well as a band of musicians...and one drummer (Ha, ha! Gotcha again, Xelly-bean!)

To be completely accurate, only nine and one-half years had passed, but for some reason, some _secret_ reason of Xelloss' it was being held now. He said it was ten years from some _other_ momentous occasion, and since he had arranged and funded the entire thing, no one argued. Lina helped with the planning too, but she was equally tight-lipped concerning any of the details.

Before the concert, though, was a mini-gathering of all of us to 'settle' something, Xelloss said. He was always a secretive bastard!

I was the first to arrive, having been there all day supervising his arrangements, so I was able to greet each one as they entered. Amelia, buoyant and bubbly as always was first to help me out. She was still the youngest of us twenty-somethings, not that it mattered any more.

"So they let you off today?" I asked her. She was working for a Sairaag law firm.

"Kinda..." she hedged and looked aside. "I'll tell you about that later. Right now, I want you to tell me where to get started."

She and I were hanging banners until the party store delivery service arrived with the tables and the balloons. Her evasiveness, when it came to talking about her current personal affairs, piqued my curiosity more.

"When is Sylphiel coming?" she asked before I could interrogate her further.

I checked my watch. "About an hour. That's when the catering people are due and her job is to supervise them. Here, toss me that roll of crepe paper."

"And Gourry?"

"He might come sooner and help us; depends on whether or not he feels that the new kid he's hired as supervisor can be trusted at the job site alone."

Amelia smiled, "Must be something running a company as large as that. So many projects going at once! Is he bringing his brother?"

"Joey? That, he didn't tell me. Doubtful." The two brothers were not on the best of terms lately, I understood. "Yeah, Gourry is busy. Any word from Zel-bob?" I hoped Amelia had reached him for his latest update.

"He had his patient list cleared for today, of course, but then after that fire last week..." her voice trailed off. There were several young people with serious burn injuries still hospitalized after a fire ripped through a rundown apartment building. Psychiatric help was critical for them, and specialists like Dr. Zelgadiss Greywords were in short supply. "He'll make it to the concert, I know it! So will Lina."

"I told Lina not to be late or she'd miss the hors d'oeuvres."

Amelia laughed, "Then she should show up pretty soon! Oh, and Val called right before I left to say he'd be here earlier than he first thought. Julian worked out whatever the problem was at the country club so he didn't have to stay after all. He almost caught a ride in with you."

"No, he couldn't have. I was staying here in town last night so I could get an early start with this...first thing when the owners opened the building. Anyway, he should be here any minute."

That left only one other. I spoke up before Amelia could ask about him. "I-I don't know when he'll show. Late for a dramatic entrance, you can be sure."

Amelia gave me a sweet understanding look. "I know. Xelloss has been very...excited about all this...and something else."

Whether Amelia knew or not about the 'something else' I didn't know. My stomach tightened as painful thoughts intruded on my previously serene ones. "How about streamers from here to that far corner?" I asked, changing the subject abruptly.

* * *

Sorry, but we must diverge a bit... --

You know, I just realized that I can't tell you the ending to this story without going into the important parts leading up to it—the background information. No, that doesn't mean retelling our story from the very beginning; Lina already did that in her three books: The Seyruun High Jinx Trilogy-- as its current repackaging markets it.

I'm telling this part because, well, I wanted to. In a funny way, I've been central to many of the changes to our band of misfits, called the Slayers. And have there been changes! Lots since the musical that changed the world!

So, to start with, after the musical was over and school and all...everyone moved, mostly as we entered college, but it didn't stop us from keeping in touch. The band still met for practices and jobs, of course. Okay, so for the story of the band you can read about that in just about any magazine or find a few hundred websites– some factual and others nearly _devotiona_l, but both kinds highlighting the history of the Slayers band. But I won't bore you with that stuff outside of how it pertains to our emotional connectedness.

That's right; this is the story of our relationships from that amazing high school musical to our ten year reunion. _Much _more interesting. And especially with me telling it. Hi, I'm Filia Ul Copt and have _I_ got a story to tell _you!_

Let me begin with a quick run down of the way things stood after the musical. Oh, and to set things straight, despite the comings and goings and moves and chaos surrounding our lives, our friendships have endured. Just so you know.

Okay, then first, there was one constant to my life which was that every six weeks Xelloss would visit me wherever I was for a hair cut. Funny huh? Peculiar guy with odd habits, yes, but it was also a good thing because it kept me informed of what was happening with the others. I just loved news, and not just the gossip kind either, and Xelloss loved to talk so it worked great and to our mutual benefit. Usually. Then again he also left out a few key things along the way, as you will see...but enough of him for a bit.

I was aware that Zel and Amelia were dating as a couple, but it wasn't glaringly obvious at first. At some point during the musical (great timing Zel-bob) my dear, sweet, stubborn Zelgadiss finally broke down and told Amelia that he didn't want to monopolize her, but that he hated the _idea_ of her dating others. Thankfully, Zel hadn't used that dreaded 'L' word at the time. Amelia was starry-eyed enough without dreaming of his 'love'. Nothing seemed different between them at first, but Xelloss assured me it was, which was possible since he and Val lived with Zel. Oh, and Val never gossiped about Zel or Xelloss, his two roommates; he was a loyal friend to them. Well, it was a good thing Xelloss had warned me about the new couple's closeness or I might have burst out laughing the first time I saw Zel-bob and his little princess (we over heard him call her that once and the nickname stuck) together holding hands. Zel looked so uncomfortable and happy at the same time. But, I was good. I didn't tease them at all.

Immediately after the musical was over, Xelloss took Lina and Kiki to France to see Kiki's estate. Amelia's father had explained to Xelloss that it would be unseemly for Kiki to go with Xelloss alone. Xelloss asked here knowing that Lina would love the traveling and that it would keep everything 'above board'. And they did go and had a great time, I guess, but you'd have to ask them to tell you that story another time. I can say that Lina had thought it was a come-on from him. She had considered saying 'no', but couldn't pass up a free trip. Was she surprised to find she and Xelloss would have company? You bet! I couldn't tell if she hadn't been just a little disappointed, or not. She and her pride hid it well.

The point being, the band didn't get together until they got back, then there was graduation for Val, Gourry, Lina (who had been 'excused' from finishing up the last few weeks of work, lucky girl), and the principal allowed Zel and Xelloss to be in the ceremony as well. Somehow it didn't end up being as lame as I thought it might be. All I remember any more about it was that Lina gave a speech and the crowd kept crying out to her to 'Sing, Lina, sing!'

Anyway, after that the band was on the road selling CDs and making some money, which was good because I knew I would need some spending money for our trip to Japan. Oh yes, we did that. Xelloss arranged it all, and paid for it, for our band and Kiki and Subaru too. Subaru, ostensibly because he spoke the language fluently, the real reason was because Xelloss was always looking out for that weird kid.

Yep, Xelloss took care of that odd duck; still does to some extent. The Clamp Campus Detective trio got him enrolled in the Clamp school and Count D gave him a part time job in his pet store. Xelloss paid for it all, of course, including the kid's veterinarian license. Today, Subaru works for Count D and out at the Clamp school zoo and seems happy and content for once in life. But once again, I'm getting ahead of myself here...

* * *

In the first year after the musical...–-

I was still in high school, my last year I remember, when Xelloss started bringing some girls around to our practices. Fans, I think; nothing special in my book. No girl lasted long with him. After awhile he seemed to focus on just one, but I wasn't noticing much. Back then, Zel was still going out with Amelia, but because she was at the high school and he was full time at the university, they didn't see much of one another. She told me one day that they had broken up, kinda. She could see others and so could he, but they would still be close.

So, anyway, that was going on and Val and I, well, he got into both the Art Institute of Atlas City and of Seyruun, but because of the band, he chose to stay in town. I think the other one suited him better, and he probably did too, but the band had to come first. It was another dream of his, to be in a rock and roll band, and we were bigger than ever! He'd come to the settlement on some weekends and holidays, but aside from a band practice or job, I rarely saw him. Soon, we were drifting apart, glued together by the band, the clan, and not much else. He never brought any girls around to show off or even talked about them, although I'm sure the guys heard about his conquests. It was okay. It wasn't like we were ever in love or anything. We were close friends then, and still are.

Gourry continued working for his father's construction company after graduation. I think he said he became an equal partner around the winter holidays that year. I can't recall now when, but he was pretty happy. I think what made him the happiest guy on the planet that year, though, happened during spring break. It was a shocker for us all.

"I'm getting married!" Xelloss announced at one of our gigs.

Zel and Val knew, apparently, since they alone managed to not scream– that and Gourry, who grinned and never stopped for the longest time. I was stunned. I knew Xelloss still had a thing for Lina and generally dated different boring girls, including the one he was about to marry, but it always seemed that he did so with an air of disinterest. This one I didn't think would last any longer then the rest. Just another pretty brunette, his type, I guess.

But right after our graduation- for Sylphiel and me– there it was...a wedding. A big flamboyant affair. It was as if he was trying to convince everyone that he was in love. And this time Zelgadiss didn't stop him. I was hoping he would again, just for fun, but he stood by his best friend's side and looked solemn. So, maybe it was for real this time. I guessed I was wrong about Xelloss...yet again. Maybe he had found true love at last.

What else? Xelloss moved out of the shared house, of course, and into a townhouse downtown. I think it was one of his syndicate-turned-upscale-condos-and businesses buildings that Gourry had fixed up. Actually, Xelloss always had a few building projects going on and entrusted the work solely to Gourry (which made Gourry a millionaire, but that's getting ahead of my story **again**.) Once Xelloss was married, he and Gourry got along just fine, I think.

After Xelloss moved out of Val's place, Gourry moved into his empty room. Val was out most of the time 'visiting' fans, folks on campus, and occasionally the settlement, apparently only using his house to store clothes changes, so I think Gourry moved in as much keep Zel company as as to make an excuse to get away from his countless siblings. Zel-bob really missed his best friend; I could tell. He started spending more time on campus after that and less time with Amelia. He was pouring his heart into getting his degree over and done with. Lina called it 'the fast track to the grad pack,' but I think he was lonely.

Other than that, it was a boring year filled with school and band and finally my graduation.

* * *

–- It was during the second year after the musical that... –-

Sylphiel got a part time job at the Seyruun General Hospital for that first summer out of high school. She spent one year getting her dietitian's license at the local community college and then became a full time dietitian there. Of course, that didn't last long. She got married, and not long after she quit work as soon as she found out she was pregnant. Grr...there I go jumping ahead again! I'll get back to her later.

Amelia had one more year of high school left by the time fall rolled around. Poor thing, still in that miserable crumbling high school. Actually, from what I gleaned from her conversations, she was having a blast and dating quite a few cute guys. Still, I know Zel-bob was the recipient of many special looks from her. The two went out once in a while, once (that I know of!) on an over-night to the coast, but neither would share a single detail!

I was starting at Seyruun University, humanities major, nothing special. I'd run into Zel and Lina; mostly Lina. I moved into the dorms there, but only for the first quarter. You see, Luna and Julian got married during winter break. She was a full time lawyer for the clan and he was still co-running the Seyruun Country Club with Val. That left Lina in her house alone, or would have if I hadn't moved into her sister's room.

What a blast that was! No baby brother to get into my stuff. We were both careless housekeepers, but who cared? The freedom was wonderful.

So, keeping count here... Xelloss was married the following spring after the musical, then Luna in winter, then, when spring rolled around again, Sylphiel was engaged to... guess who? Okay, that's my next tale.

See, Gourry knew Xelloss was out of the running for Lina for good now, so he decided to make his move. Because we were roomies, I knew that Lina was not interested in getting married. She didn't really even date. Lina _met_ people _at places _on campus for _university related events_. _Period._ As she explained any chance she could, "Why pair up? We all just hang around with one another all the time anyway."

She and Zel went out, but just as friends with common interests. I thought they were perfect for one another, but as Zel put it, "We are both too alike and indifferent at the same time– a deadly combination."

Humph to that! I said that they were both too self-absorbed and overly dedicated to their school work to bother.

Anyway, Gourry had a terrific job and since he had long ago set his sights on Lina, he decided to propose. Just like that! No in-between girlfriend/boyfriend stage.

She turned him down.

Point blank.

"No. Not until I'm done with college and maybe not even then...maybe never. Yeah...most likely never."

She must have said a lot more, because Gourry never asked her again. A few months later, he and Sylphiel began seeing each other exclusively and by the summer, a little over a year after Xelloss was married, we all attended the lavish wedding in the Great White Shrine of Gourry and Sylphiel. They both looked fabulously happy, so who was I to say 'too young, too soon'?

In the meantime, our band was really popular and we were busy all the time when we weren't working or going to school. It was a wonder any of us could keep relationships going _outside_ of the band. I tried.

It was nearly winter of the year Gourry and Sylphiel were married. I was home with mom and dad and little Quentin, my brother, for Thanksgiving weekend. Lina came with me too, to visit her sister and brother-in-law. For the first night back, Lina was eating with them and staying at their cozy house on the settlement. So, it was just my family and me finishing dinner when there was a knock on the door. My father left the table and answered it.

"Probably Val don't you think?" my mother asked. "It's too soon for Brad to arrive."

"No-ooooo," I sighed. Mom could never keep everyone's schedule straight. Brad was my current boyfriend-in-the-making. "Brad's not coming. He's staying with his clan this holiday. Val's not likely to make it until tomorrow. The Art Institute gets out a day later than Seyruun University." I knew that Val would come to the settlement to stay over the short break and I expected him to arrive the next day to lap up the autumn festival food. "Could be Lina, though."

I could hear my father's voice in the front hall and the pounding of rain outside as he closed the door. "Well, get out of those wet things and I'll go get Filia."

I left the table and met him at the dining room door. "Who is it?"

"It's Xelloss." Dad gave me a serious look. "I think he's been drinking. He doesn't seem right. If he wasn't such a close friend, I'd send him packing."

"He doesn't drink," I assured him. I might have been wrong; I didn't know everything about Xelloss. However, I did think it was odd for him to be dropping by this day.

He was hanging up a dripping wet coat when I approached him. "I just did your hair, Xelloss. Shouldn't you be home, having dinner with your _wife_?"

Okay, I was harsh, but sometimes I just let anger take over and he always had gotten under my skin. I regretted those words the moment he turned his face toward me. Dad had been right. He looked terrible. Water dripped from the tips of his matted hair, his face was drawn and pale, eyes dark as he made no attempt to hide the pain in them. "I'm sorry to bother you. Maybe I should leave. I'm not very good company tonight."

I sucked in my breath holding back anything else I was about to say. I was overwhelmed by his naked pain and loneliness. "Hey, you're soaking wet and standing in a puddle with your shoes off. Come on into the den. I'll get you some dry socks and..."

"Go ahead, dear," my mom called from the other end of the hall, "I'll bring in some tea for you."

Xelloss shrugged, "Thank you. I don't want to be a problem here..."

"You've always been a problem," I tossed off without thinking. He winced, and then his eyes slid to his hands. His whole body drooped. I guess at that minute I realized just how often I'd said such hurtful things to him, probably everybody, in the past. "My turn to apologize, Xelly. I was being insensitive."

I caught his eyes with mine briefly. "I'll be right back with those socks."

He seemed dead.

We sat without talking until my mother came and left. He had exchanged pleasantries with her in a strange clipped fashion more like Zel than himself. He sipped at the hot tea and leaned back, closing his eyes.

"What's happened to you? Your clothes look like you've been sleeping in them and my dad thinks you've been drinking." Well, someone had to get it started.

"S-she left me."

"She...who? Your wife? _Xelloss_...?"

He chuckled without smiling, "Actually, she threw me out a few months ago." His eyes looked up, tear-filled, then quickly looked away.

"Oh, Xelly...I didn't know... None of us did, I don't think. Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"Gods Filia..." he was trying to stem the tide of tears. "It's humiliating. I'm such a f-up. I fail at...everything."

I wrapped my arms around him and felt him sink onto me. "Oh, Xelly-bean...no...that's not true."

He totally fell apart after that. I just held him and let him cry it out until he could talk again. "I had n-no where to go so I rented a place downtown w-where I've got some renovations going on, and just t-tried to get on with my life. I really thought the separation was temporary at first. That she'd m-miss me and ask me to come back. So I said nothing and just tried to bear it like a man."

"She wasn't good enough for you."

"I dunno, but she filed for divorce and I didn't fight it and it just came through today."

"That was fast. How much?"

"How much...? Oh...um...She keeps the townhouse and she accepted a cash settlement. It was in the pre-nuptial agreement. Oh, and in case it ever comes up for you, an uncontested divorce settlement can be had in two weeks time."

"You made her sign a pre-nup? Well, that's the most intelligent thing I heard you do in the past few years." Okay, it wasn't too nice a thing to say, but it did make him smile a little. The rest I just brushed off as bitterness.

"My lawyer's idea. She really didn't know how wealthy I was. Zelgadiss told me to wait until we'd been married a couple years, and then let her in on it bit by bit."

"Thank the gods for Zel-bob. He didn't care for that girl either."

Xelloss gave me an amused smile, "No. Just me. Zelgadiss said that I was the only one that really mattered when it came to whom I should marry, but as it turned out, that wasn't quite true. The band was and is a part of me and a part I couldn't share. She was jealous of it, of Kiki, of Lina... of you..."

"Of_ me_? Why me? It's not as if you and _I_ had anything going..."

"You cut my hair. You've known me a long time...we have shared a lot, Filia. She knew that and hated how I never had enough time for her..."

"Why was that?"

"I don't know. I like to travel. I have contacts all over the world."

"Were you unfaithful?" I waved him to silence. "No, it's not my business. I'm sorry for being so nosy."

"It's okay, Filia. It's good for me to talk about it for a change. And, no... I wasn't...I kept my marriage vows...really. I just felt smothered and needed to get out and about occasionally."

"You and Zelgadiss are alike that way, and I don't mean the travel thing either. I'm talking about how you both avoid getting close."

Xelloss scooted closer so we were touching and draped an arm around me. "I like getting close..."

I slapped at his arm, which he didn't remove, and laughed, "Xelly-bean! I'm not talking about...that either." I was relieved to see a ghost of a smile return to his mouth. His eyes were another story. They flickered over me in a way I wasn't used to, lingering on my lips before rising to meet my eyes.

"Close is nice and, as I recall, you like to dance," his voice lowered to a purr.

"On my feet!" I clarified, as opposed to with my lips.

And then he kissed me. It had been a long time since he'd kissed me, but my memory of his particular feel was revived immediately– a special combination of tenderness and passion-- and I was in a reverie of my high school days up in his loft. He had been receiving brutal beatings as part of his syndicate training and I had offered, or been coerced by him, I forget which, to apply the clan's healing arts. He was stripped to his boxers and I gave him a full body massage to rub in the salves, starting with his back. Gourry, bless his kind soul, joined us to 'chaperone,' I think, and to cover Xelloss with his kimono, somewhat, when he rolled over onto his back. That was to mask his obviously aroused state-- something I know about now but hadn't an inkling of at the time, innocent that I was. Xelloss wouldn't have given a damn, of course. Nothing embarrassed him then or now; except for this new thing, his failed marriage.

His tongue slipped past my teeth and gently flicked at mine. This was no brotherly kiss or 'practice' kiss. He tasted of alcohol. That struck me to be very odd. Even after he had discovered that he hadn't inherited a liver disease and learned he could drink, he rarely did. And after finding a new drug combination which truly helped control his ADD, he told me that alcohol was absolutely prohibited.

Further comparison of Xelloss' past and present kissing styles was halted when I felt a warm hand push under my blouse and another on my shoulder pressing me hard into the sofa. Whoa... this was no tentative boy. These were the deliberate moves of an experienced man, I was sure of it. He had my bra unhooked and was crushing me into the pillow-back of den's convertible sofa-bed.

"Xelloss..." I gasped and broke away.

Our eyes met and something of the old familiar friend returned for an instant, before his eyes widened. "F-filia! Oh...I-I'm so sorry. I have no right."

He sputtered a few other things as I righted myself and he sat back a-ways. His eyes held mine, pleading, and then all the blood rushed from his face and I could see the sheen of sweat break out across the bridge of his nose and above his upper lip. His eyes found the door. "I'm gonna be sick," he muttered.

He dashed out of the den and across the hallway to the bathroom.

Mother stuck her head in. "Everything all right, honey?"

"I don't think he's well."

"I see. Your father thought he smelled alcohol on his breath when he came in."

"It's really bad for him, too. Stupid idiot..." I murmured.

"Well, when he comes out, he must leave. He may be of legal age, but you're not and I won't have him..."

"His wife divorced him, mama!" I cried out. "He just got the papers and... Val's not back and I don't know what's up with Zel but he's got no one-- no place to go. I think he was really sad and just needed someone to talk to. He feels awful!"

"Oh,the poor dear..."

"If he drank enough, it could kill him, mom! He takes some medication and the two don't mix."

My mother stared at the door to the bathroom, then walked to the door and tapped lightly. "Xelloss, I'd like to help."

I could hear the sound of running water, and then the tap shut off. Xelloss came to the door. "Just a minute, please."

The door opened and an ashen-faced young man peered out holding a wash cloth to his head. "Um...I'm better, in a way. No more queasy stomach." He smiled at her weakly, and then winced.

"What is it? If you describe how you feel, I can help you more." Good old mom, she wasn't about to let him squirm away.

"Migraine," he whispered. "I, um..." He closed his eyes, clearly in pain and leaned against the wall. "Drank my medication on an empty stomach. Bad thing. Plus stress."

"It's a liquid? Alcohol-based, I'll bet," I said.

He nodded as my mother added, "So, you weren't drinking wine or anything? That's a good thing, then. We have a wonderfully effective migraine treatment here in the clan. Were you staying with Val?"

"I left my things at his place. He's not in. It's okay; I'll go back over there..."

"What kind of a person would I be to send you out into that storm tonight...and when you are hurting?" Mom held him in a big hug and said in a near-whisper, "Filia told me, dear. I'm so very sorry to hear your marriage is over. Now, just relax and don't worry...We'll take care of you tonight." To me she said, "Make up the sofa-bed, would you dear?"

"Sure, mom. I'll make the infusion, if you'll find the candles. I don't know where you moved them to. And the lavender eye pillow!"

Mom had walked Xelloss back to the den and left him in an over-stuffed chair with the washcloth over his eyes, "Thank you..." he sighed.

A little later, I walked back into the room, after having left to let him undress and slip under the covers. His face appeared healthier in the warm glow of the healing candles. He was sipping at his tea and made a face as I entered.

"Bitter?" I asked.

"Nasty, Filia. You trying to poison me with this stuff?"

"I could, but no, my mom made it. Drink it all then lie down with this eye pillow thingee. It's filled with lavender and flax seeds. The pressure on your eyelids plus the scent will help. What?"

"What I did was inexcusable, nearly attacking you, and then you come back and show me such kindness. I don't deserve it, but thank you. I'm just so..."

"Horny," I finished.

"Lonely. Really... lonely." He tossed back the last of the drink and sank into the bed. "I could sleep forever."

I placed the eye pillow on his face. His warm hand caught mine and he kissed my palm. "You're incredible."

That came in a gasp.

"Hope you're better in the morning, Xelloss. You're pretty loony right now," I jested as I stood to leave.

I was rewarded with an anemic smile, and then I left the room.

Lonely. I wondered how it could be that one of the richest, smartest, handsomest, most famous rock singers was so terribly lonely and resting in my den?

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter One.


	2. What Are Friends For?

SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07-04

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

Note: We do not own or claim any rights to the Slayers characters; we just wish to borrow them a little while longer. Also, if you leave an e-mail address we can respond to any questions you might have.

Chapter Two: What Are Friends For?

"To be natural is a very difficult pose to keep up." – Oscar Wilde

* * *

Over a light breakfast of juice and herb rolls, Xelloss explained why he hadn't stayed over with Zel. "Zelgadiss was stuck with the Mayor's entourage for some affair in Sairaag having to do with keeping something running for his presentation or ... I don't know. He said I could tag along, but I couldn't face all that."

"The mayor? How about Amelia? Is she a part of that too?"

"It was she who roped him into it, I'd imagine. They are still...more than just friends, you know."

No, I didn't. Something else that had escaped my notice. I'd have thought Amelia would have confided in either Lina or me. Not wanting to admit that I wasn't privy to her innermost secrets, I blamed Xelly. "In all our visits, you never mentioned that. How _much_ more?"

But Xelloss just shrugged, so I changed the subject. "How about your stepfather? Rezo would expect you to visit. You could have stayed with him."

Xelloss shook his head. "I can't face him yet. Zelgadiss was right about the man. He's a hard man, Rezo is. He does not accept failure or weakness in people. It shaped Zelgadiss' personality and, well, he wasn't for my marriage in the first place– said it wouldn't last a year. He said a good deal more about my incapacity to sustain a decent relationship. As if _he_ could! He said, and I quote, 'don't come whining to me about it when she sends you packing.' So, you see, I couldn't face him last night."

"Gourry's folks..."

"Have taken off to the mountains for a vacation, with Gourry and Sylphiel– who is pregnant by the way– if you can believe that."

"Really? That was fast! Gods...the idiots... So, I'm your last choice."

"Actually, you were the second, after I contacted Zelgadiss."

"Oh? Well, I'm honored."

"That's a nice way of putting it. More like 'obligated' from a clan standpoint." He set down his roll and stared at it as he continued to speak before I could object, "I needed a friend and a change of scenery."

"And a shower," I added.

He smiled then looked up at me, his eyes open and dark. "Sorry. I have a suitcase back at Val's place. I'll be out of our hair so you can get ready for the festivities."

"Only if you promise to return with Val for dinner," Mom declared as she entered the kitchen. "Milgasia will be here and his wife and her two nieces, whom you met here years ago..."

_The twins...of course._

"And Luna, Julian, and Lina, naturally."

"Lina?" Xelloss raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, she and I are roommates, you know that. She stays with her sister when I come home. Beats being alone."

"I see..." Xelloss hid his eyes again. "Well, dinner...yes, I'd like that, Mrs. Ul Copt, thank you for the invitation."

"You are most welcome, Xelloss. And Filia? Brad's coming too, right?"

Oh yeah, Brad. "Yes, mom. He driving up with the twins tomorrow." I turned to Xelloss to explain, not that I owed him an explanation, but it would save time later, I figured. "He's a guy I met going to the university from their part of the country."

"So, he's clan, then?" Xelloss asked.

I don't know why I was reticent to tell him that.

"Yes, he is. A very nice young man. I'm glad Filia is finally meeting some boys with promise."

"Mo-thur!"

My mother laughed, "Well, it's true! You haven't dated much lately and I was afraid you'd never meet any Cephied Believers at school. Anyway, I'm happy to find you in better spirits this morning, Xelloss. I have to go out and pick up a few things from a neighbor's before I start cooking. Can I give you a lift to Val's?"

He declined in favor of a walk in the misty rain. He gathered up his belongings and left soon after.

The next evening we were all gathered around the table having 'conversation' with tea and dessert—never a good thing. We made a merry little group. My parents sat at opposite ends with Luna, Julian, Milgasia and his wife to one side and Brad to my other. Sitting across the table from me was my brother, Quentin Shadowrun. He was nearly five years old and a noisy, vociferous little monster when playing one-on-one, but shy in crowds. Thankfully. Val and Xelloss sat on either side of him, treating him like 'one of the boys', which made his day. At least he didn't squirm and mess with his food like usual. Val was dating one of the twins, Penny, who was seated to his right. Polly, her sister, was sitting to Xelloss' left and making it sickeningly clear to Xelly-bean that she'd like to revive the past, if only for the one evening. Lina sat on the end beside Polly. Anyway, with that many people we had to put all the leaves in the table!

Val caught on. In a low voice he said, "Aren't you a married lady, Pol-lee? And you know Xelloss tied the knot a couple years ago."

"I was just suggesting we get together later for drinks, Val," Polly said slyly. "Besides, being married doesn't mean all that much. And it gets lonely when my man travels on clan business."

Val stared at Xelloss, waiting for his opinion. He and Xelloss had talked briefly when he came home. Val felt bad for him, and somewhat protective, but he didn't want to be the one to announce Xelloss' news.

"I'm afraid I'm not up to much socializing. My divorce was finalized yesterday and... I'm sorry, but that was something that meant a lot to me. Excuse me, Mrs. Ul Copt, but I-I..."

"Can I go play too!" Quentin shouted.

Xelloss smiled and nodded, "Let's see if your mother thinks you've had enough to eat yet, okay?"

Without a glance at my brother's still nearly full plate, my mother answered, "Go ahead, boys. Just play quietly."

Luna followed Xelloss out of the dining room with her eyes. "I thought he looked down when we arrived. What a shame; he'd put some effort into that relationship. Did you have a clue?" she asked her sister from across the table.

Lina stopped eating and looked up. "No. He never tells me anything."

"I meant, had you _noticed_? But what was I thinking? He nearly died for you and you hardly noticed that, why should I think you'd start caring now?" Luna muttered.

"I care!" Lina's voice rose. "Oh, hell, I'll go talk to him." She hustled out of the room without another word.

"She's a volatile one," Brad commented in my ear, "...as usual." He was my current boyfriend-in-the-making. I'd brought him home to meet my family before, but this was a family gathering and it meant a bit more. He had met Lina a few times on campus so she was no surprise.

Not long after, we cleared the table and broke into groups-- the old fogies clustering in the front room around the fireplace, and the 'kids' on the floor in Quentin's room. Luna and Julian joined us for awhile, then left to the front room, then filed back to us, uncertain where they fit in, I guess.

Xelloss was teaching my brother to play drums. He'd sent him a toy set for his last birthday, which after a noisy couple days was left to gather dust in the corner of his room. Not tonight. Lina had to sing, with Val and me on harmony, while Xelloss showed Quinny where to bang and when. Luna and Julian left us to our noise, while Brad, Penny, and Polly joined in for a little while, then grew bored and talked amongst themselves. It wasn't long before Mom came in and relieved us of babysitting duty and we all traveled over to Val's.

I don't recall much good about that evening except that for the first time I noticed that Xelloss had changed. He was quiet, thoughtful, and calm. I asked him about that and he told me it was the new ADD medication. He lay off it when we were at gigs so he felt energized to play, but his wife had insisted that he take it regularly so he wouldn't be so 'fidgety'.

"That was her word for me when I would be all wound up and jittery. She also hoped it would settle me down and keep me at home more."

"My mom got our tom cat **fixed **to solve that problem," Penny giggled.

Val and Xelloss both winced at the thought and Brad muttered blushing, "That's an awful thought."

And when Polly, the little harlot, started being all cozy with Brad, my Brad, Xelloss led him away from her and planted him by my side. "You don't need them all, when you have the best," Xelloss told him.

That was sweet. Me, the best? Hardly true, but it was sweet of him to say, just the same, especially when I knew Xelloss still had the hots for Lina. That was the other funny thing I remembered from that night– Xelloss was not drooling over Lina. 'Course, he was hurting from the divorce, but he had Lina right there to schmooze, and yet he hardly did more than speak casually.

Then Polly and Penny started giggling over some book. Val managed to get one of them to read the amusing passage.

"It's from a Susan Albert mystery book I found at Milli and Mil's. Listen to this, Xelloss and see if you can figure it out," Polly said. Then either she or her sister read, "_Created by the color opposites of hot red and cool blue, purple is associated with spirituality, royalty, and nobility–but also with creativity, unpredictability, and mood swings_."

"Isn't that just you, Xelloss?" Polly asked in a simpering voice.

Gods, I was tiring of her fast.

Polly was still jabbering, "You're a priest–the spirituality part, a musician–that's the creativity thing, you're unpredictable and moody tonight, that's for sure. I don't know about noble, but your position in the syndicate pretty much makes you royalty..."

That was a surprise to Brad, who wasn't up on that part of the Slayers story at all. Xelloss and Lina assured him Xelloss wasn't actually an _evil_ syndicate leader, but he was redistributing the wealth, so to speak.

Brad looked Lina over and said, "Well, you must be the 'hot red' part of the quote... So, who's the 'cool blue'?"

Lina pressed her lips together in a thin line. She didn't like Brad. Right now I was wondering who did, besides Pol-lee and me. Lina called him 'a perennial flirt like that Allen Schezar guy' after the first time she met him. I knew that she was probably right, but he looked good and had potential. Actually I can write all that now, but at the time I thought he was 'the one' and his occasional dalliances hurt my ego.

"Zelgadiss is Mr. Cool Blue, Brad!" Penny slapped at his arm. "He always sings the blues and he's so cool. Don't you know _anything _about the Slayers? And you're dating one! Where have you been the last few years?"

He was about to say 'college', but I beat him to it and then moved the conversation on. As it turned out, his clan was not far from the twins', out in the desert, which was why they drove in to our settlement together. Anyway, that gave him some excuse to talk with them more, leaving me to the observation post.

Val (I was over him of course by this time) was latched on to Penny in a big way, I could tell. Not that I thought they would last. Neither one were much for commitment. But for now, they seemed infatuated with one another.

Lina was playing solitaire with Xelloss kibitzing. Xelloss was also fading.

"Hey, maybe we should go and leave the guys to their house, okay?" I suggested. See, I could be sensitive to others!

Val, the twins, even my supposedly devoted boyfriend all pooh-poohed that idea.

"Thanks," Xelloss said. "I'll just go crash in the guest room where my stuff is. I'm tired enough to sleep through just about anything."

"Maybe some fresh air first," Lina hopped up.

"'Kay," Xelloss agreed. "You too, Filia. So we don't get lost around here."

"Sure." I decided that Xelloss didn't trust himself alone around Lina, and given his current vulnerable state, I agreed and joined them.

I loved, and still love, the settlement. At night, even in winter it was beautiful. The earlier rain storm had blown away, leaving the dark sky cloud-free. The stars sparkled. I felt relaxed and light-headed (probably due to all the blood leaving my brain to digest that huge dinner!)

When we returned to Val's, the place was dark.

"Everybody's gone. I may as well go home, too, then," Lina sighed and picked up her deck of cards and bag containing her ID, money, and writing tablet which she was never without. Ever since Lina's stays in the hospital, she learned to travel prepared, or be prepared to be bored.

"Brad?" I called down the hall to the bedrooms. I opened the door to the bathroom. Xelloss was right behind me.

"Brad?" I called.

"Is he staying here or at your place?" Xelloss asked.

"Mine," I answered as I put my hand on the guest room door handle. "Unless he forgot and crashed on your bed. What?"

Xelloss put his hand on mine, stopping me from entering. "Don't go in there."

"Why...?" I had a flash of insight, and got mad at Xelloss. "Move it, Xelly-pod. If he's in there I just want to say good night."

He was in there, and so was Polly. Xelloss pulled me back out kicking and screaming for all I was worth. Val shot out of his room half dressed to find out who was being murdered.

"It's...Brad. Uh... if Filly finds something heavy she can pound him with," Xelloss explained in gasps, "you'll have a murder in your house to explain. Help me!"

You have to understand. I was only an inch or so shorter than Xelloss and not that much lighter in weight and, most importantly, I was angrier than hell at my not-to-remain-much-longer boyfriend.

"He sleepin' with the Parrot (his clever nickname for Polly)?" Val asked.

"Not so much sleeping as fu-- oomph!" Xelloss began. I punched the air out of Xelloss since he was close.

"Shiiiii-t. I thought he'd left," Val sighed, making no attempt at all to help Xelloss contain me. I guess he knew better than to tangle with me.

Xelloss? Well, for all the messes he had been in throughout his life, I assumed him to be some form of masochist. "He...h-hadn't," Xelloss assured him.

Xelloss wrestled me out the door and somehow got me back to my house and into 'our' den. The walk over in the cold helped cool my temper. He helped soothe my breaking heart in the quiet darkness of the room. He simply held me while I took my turn sobbing my sorrows and disappointment into his shirt. What a wretched pair we made.

I woke up at...I checked my glowing watch face... 3 AM. I sat up. I was on the sofa. Xelloss, I found, was on the floor, his head cradled under an arm.

"Hey, Xelly-bean. Get up...yeah. I'm going to my room now. Take the sofa. And here's a blanket. Oh, and thanks for just being you."

Xelloss later told me that what I had said had meant a lot to him. He heard ingenuous compliments so very rarely.

By the time I awoke, Xelloss was up and at Val's bathing and changing his clothes. Val trotted by to tell me that and to deliver a note of apology from Brad.

"He's waitin' for an answer. He wants ta make it up to ya, but... Well, Fil, even I was better to you than that dude."

I ran the folded paper down the garbage disposal without bothering to open it. "That answer enough?" I eyed Val meaningfully.

"Got it," he grinned.

Brad and Polly and Penny were gone an hour later.

Val, Xelloss, and Lina joined Mom, Quinny and me for lunch.

Val explained why Brad was gone. "Fil can do better. Don't worry, Mrs. 'C', there's a guy for her out there, but it wasn't that dude. Thanks for lunch. I'm headin' over to Mil's to ...oh, I dunno. Nothin', I guess."

Lina looked us over, that's apathetic-as-always Val, sad-sack Xelloss and miserable-me, and shook her head. "Let's all go someplace. You gotcher van here, right Val? Yeah, and go to a movie, okay?"

It was a plan.

"So, Xelloss, where are you living now-- as in, 'where are your belongings stored'?" Lina asked him. We were outside the theater, walking to a coffee shop in downtown Seyruun.

"Want to see? It's not far from here, actually."

"Is there something to eat there?" Val asked, beating Lina to it.

"No..."

"Then, lets eat first, then walk over," Lina said, and that was what we did. Lina nearly always still called the shots. It was just easier that way and I was too numb to care.

Along the way we were greeted by fans, not aggressively, not in this part of town. A few autographs and an exchange of kind words passed for 'polite acknowledgment' and satisfied the kids. A few years ago we couldn't have all gone into the movie heater without disguises. Thank goodness for change!

Later, with Lina all stuffed and happy at last, we walked arm-in-arm the few blocks to the Diamond District, as it was called. It was becoming a really upscale neighborhood.

"I own several buildings here," Xelloss pointed out. "In fact, Gourry's company is developing that one over there for me. See the tall crane? Gutting the warehouse and putting condos up top and offices below– the usual. Where I'm staying now was completed a few months ago."

"Miwan and John still running the hotel?" Lina asked.

"Yeah. They are doing a great job too—a Four Star restaurant, couple hundred rooms, with a few permanent residents. They think of the residents as their 'children'. Funny guys, but still together."

"You did good getting them together," I said. "Next time, "I'll let you do the matchmaking for me."

"Okay..." he smiled, as he opened the door to show Lina, Val and me around.

Val snorted, "Yeah, so you can hold Xelloss res-pon-si-bull next time the dude's a dud."

I strode past Val and only poked him in the ribs for that smart remark.

The place was immaculate. Not a speck of dust or out of kilter picture on the wall. "One of Zel's?" Lina asked as she looked over the wall of smaller framed prints.

"All of them. Good, aren't they? He was letting them get dog-eared in a drawing book so I took them and had them framed."

"Yeah, that's right. You put them in a show, I heard him say, but he never told me where or when," Lina said.

"Next year, the date is not yet fixed. You'll get invitations to his grand opening. Black tie and champagne."

"You're kidding," I said, thinking that for sure he was.

"Nope! Something black and slinky for you," he smiled at both of us girls.

"I'll wear the tie," Lina smirked.

"Is that all, I hope!" he laughed.

Need I say that Lina punished him for that?

It was time to go back. Xelloss just decided to stay, leaving his bag of clothes at Val's. I promised to wash what was dirty, or get Val to do it, and then we drove back to the settlement.

The rest of the vacation was uneventful, thank the gods. Winter Solstice was only a month away, and I was not looking forward to it now, without Brad. As it was, it took all my concentration at school to not think about, mull about, or bemoan my broken heart. And if you think all this was easy for me to write about, well...it happened awhile ago and things changed.

Yeah, lucky for me, things and people can transform with time.

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Two.


	3. Kind Intentions

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07-05

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

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**Chapter Three: Kind Intentions**

**"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." – Groucho Marx**

**

* * *

–-Year two after the musical and counting still... --**

Near the end of our Winter Solstice celebration, I received a phone call. It was Xelloss, from whom I hadn't heard since the 'Brad' thing weeks earlier in fall.

"Would you like to go out tomorrow night...dinner...dancing...?"

"New Years?" Then it dawned on me– it would be his birthday, too. He shouldn't have to spend it alone. "Yeah, I'd like that. What time?"

"Ah... four o'clock."

"That early!"

"Yeaaaaah, and bring an overnight bag."

"Where are we going? What are you up to?"

"...And a warm coat...aaaand a good book to read." I could hear him smile.

"Xelloss, what's up?"

"Ah...that's a secret, Filly."

"But my folks will ask."

"Not if you tell them it's a Slayers thing."

"Is it?"

"Nooooo."

"But Lina's still here..."

"I talked to her. We will drop her off at the Mayor's with Amelia."

"But...but...where...?"

"Seeeeeecret..."

I didn't know whether to scream and let him know how irritating he was or just blow him off or... "Okay. Four it is. One bag and coat. How dressy?"

I must have caught him off-guard because there was a slight pause. Good.

"The best you have," he said, his voice huskier than before.

"Got it. Then, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay, bye."

So, you wouldn't believe what Xelloss had up his sleeve, or maybe you would if you had paid more attention to his past antics than I had. He was there at my house knocking at the door about three-thirty. I was nearly ready when I found him relaxing with a cup of tea and talking to my father in the front room. Did he ever look good! Deep green suit and matching shirt and a silky-looking cream scarf and black overcoat– all expensive, all fitted to perfection.

I felt his eyes rove over me as I checked him out, then they met with mine in the middle. His smile said it all, but his words...

"Filia, you look...stunning."

The way he said it made my knees turn to jelly. I reminded myself that this was Xelloss and returned to reality. "You look better than you did the last time you were over," I smiled back.

He winked 'touch' and then, in a totally composed manner, he stood and covered the few feet between us in an instant. "There's something missing."

I fell for that, and asked, "What?"

He handed me a black velvet box, "Open it."

My father sat watching. "Well, Filia?"

"Earrings," I gasped. They were long and dangling- diamonds to be sure by the unmistakable bright sparkle.

"Try them on," Xelloss urged me. "Please?"

I was too much a novice at all this to know better, so I just ran to the bathroom and tried them on. Magnificent! Xelloss always did have excellent taste in jewelry, as I recalled from his past purchases. I still had and wore a gold chain he and Zel had bought me for my birthday once.

His dark shape appeared behind me in the mirror. "We should be going."

"These are lovely, Xelloss, but too expensive."

"Not at all..." he dismissed it. "Can we go?"

He picked up my bag and said good bye to my father. I kissed Dad and told him I'd call when I knew more and then we dashed out the door. "Where's the car?" I asked.

"Ah...no car. There's Lina!" He waved and placed a hand on the small of my back to keep me at his pace.

"We goin' by helicopter?" Lina asked as she joined us on the path.

"Helicopter?" I wondered aloud.

We took off from the field landing pad Milgasia had improved over the years. After about a fifteen minute ride, we settled down on the mayor's rooftop landing pad, also a relatively new upgrade. Lina got out, and then we took off for...the Seyruun Intercontinental Airport.

Xelloss quick walked through the terminal to the off-continent flight area.

"Xelloss.._.where_ are we going?"

"Concord. Right...over...there. It's already loading."

That's right. First class. We walked right on, stashed our bags, and settled back in the lap of luxury for the relatively short flight to...

Innsbruck! Eventually-- one or two short flights and drives by limousine later. I was overwhelmed. I had been wined-and-dined by him before, but nothing, NOTHING like this. And if you think that was a rushed reporting of what happened, well...that's exactly how I remembered the trip. Dash, whoosh, hop, skip, and jump and there we were!

The restaurant was low-key and elegant at the same time. I hardly remember the food, although it was excellent. Xelloss and I shared a bottle of champagne, but we drank very little. I was dizzy enough without that!

We were whisked away to a swanky dance club, where we glided around and around until I sank into my chair with a sigh, "No more, no more..."

"Okay, I'm tired too. I sent our bags to our rooms. It's only a short distance. We can walk or I'd be happy to call a cab."

"Let's walk, then I can drop."

Snow was falling. We slipped, staggered and giggled the block or so to our hotel. We were lucky we didn't break an ankle or a neck!

Inside, I let Xelloss deal with the desk. He jangled our keys and hummed merrily while a kid carried our bags up a tiny windy staircase of dark carved wood. I flopped on my bed and wished I could move to thank either Xelloss or the bellhop. A minute later, there came a knock on my door.

"Filia?"

"Come in."

I hadn't moved. I lay face down on my bed. Next thing I knew, my shoes were off and Xelloss was massaging my feet. "Ohhhh... don't stop..."

He laughed and slapped the soles. "Why don't you slip into something comfortable and come over to my room."

I turned my head and caught him smiling.

"It's my birthday. Humor me."

"No tricks?"

"Well...you are free to come and go as you like," he said in a low voice.

I reached out with an arm. "Give me a hand up."

The first thing that caught my eye the moment I entered his room was a small bedside table loaded with two huge slices of some white, cream-filled cake with some dark chocolate-looking sauce and some red raspberry-tasting sauce drizzled over the tops, and more champagne.

"They fit?" he asked. He was referring to the beautiful blue silk pajamas and matching kimono-style robe I found waiting for me in my bathroom.

"Yes. Are these silk, really? It feels nice. I'm used to cotton."

"Glad you like them. They'll be warmer."

I gave him a 'look'. "Xelloss, I think the down mattress and duvet will keep me warm. You get a discount on these?"

He returned a 'look'. "What do you mean?"

"You _know_ what I mean. Like I feel as if I'm being set up for a part in one of your seductions."

His eyes dropped, and then he looked away. "No, Filia. I would never think of you that way. I just wanted you to be comfortable. See, we match."

His were maroon.

"Okay." I scanned the cake again. "No candles to wish upon?"

"No. I've found that when I get what I wish for, it's not worth it."

He seemed wistful. "So, come join me on the bed and I'll pass you a plate and fork."

I did, but first I sang him happy birthday in a sexy voice. He giggled and wiped his eyes.

The cake was really, really good.

"You're off the medication I take it?" I pointed to the bottle of bubbly drink.

"That's right, for my birthday. I hardly drink even then, but if I do, it might as well be nice and expensive."

I took my second and last sip and pronounced it a night. I told him not to bother walking me to my room– it was right next door to his. He did anyway. As he said good night and turned to leave, I thought of something and caught his arm. "Yes?" he smiled.

"Happy Birthday, Xelloss!"

"Thanks, it's been...well the best one all year."

I smiled and punched his arm.

"The best in _two_ years, then," he corrected and caught my eyes with his.

Then I understood what he was saying, he meant he'd had a nicer time with me than with his now ex-wife.

"The best in a_ long _time," he amended further and bent his face close to mine.

Locked in his gaze, I moved in and we kissed. Then we kissed again. We might have kept that up longer, if he hadn't stopped. "Good night, Filia. Continental breakfast is served at nine, but I'll call down and ask them to hold off. Just knock on my door and we'll go out when you're ready, Okay?"

I nodded. "Fine with me, but when's our flight back?"

"How long can you stay?" He smiled and shook his head, looking off into the distance. "That's okay. Sleep now and we can talk about it tomorrow. 'Night."

He brushed a thumb lightly over my lower lip, and then was gone. That simple gesture sent tingles all through me. I stood there, halfway in my room watching him until he disappeared into his room and closed his door. This was Xelloss, I reminded myself. He was fresh from a divorce and I from a romance gone bad. Bad timing. And...this was XELLOSS! That annoying, goofy nerd I'd known for years.

And yet, it wasn't. As I stretched out on my bed pulling the poofy covers over my shoulders, I ran the events of the day over and over in my mind. He was smart and funny, caring and thoughtful, sad and secretive, warm and... I wondered if anyone knew him better than me-- Zelgadiss, probably, but he was a guy and that didn't count. Lina? Lina wasn't deep into anyone's head but her own. Amelia? Maybe at one time, but her world and Xelloss' weren't the same. Kiki? No...same thing. Sylphiel didn't even warrant passing consideration.

He gave my clan Wolfpack Island, to please me. He tutored Val to become a better, more refined, boyfriend to me. I healed him, I was here for him and he was there for me. Funny, when I thought about him anymore, all memories of the past 'bad' times were like very old, faded photographs: hard to make out the details and comparatively uninteresting alongside the more recent, brightly colored ones. All except for his history with Lina. He hadn't trusted himself to be alone with Lina, but he did with me. He was in love with Lina, which made me a passing...what? Infatuation? Between-wives fling, more likely. Probably. I certainly could read guys _that_ well, and his smiles and touches and kisses revealed at least that much. I could tell that he was attracted to me in some way, but why? To what end, _if_ any?

'Safe catch on the rebound'– came to mind, a tired mind. Well, I could just go long for the ride and enjoy myself. Neither of us would get hurt as long as we both understood the situation, right? We'd both have some fun and we could both use the companionship and distraction– no harm in that, _right?_

Who _could_ know? I was just drifting off to sleep without answering any of my questions. Tomorrow...would be another day. Another _year_! Holy Cepheid! I sat up now wholly wide awake with the realization that it was New Years and I hadn't wished Xelloss a happy New Year! I found my robe and jammed my arms in the sleeves as I ran out the door.

I knocked gently, then pounded louder when I could hear his voice weakly ask, "Who is it?"

"Xelloss! It me...Filia, you idiot! Open up. I won't keep you long," I was whispering as loud as prudently possible and not wake the other inmates.

He opened the door and blinked, then adjusted his glasses. "Is something the matter, Filia?"

"No, but it's a new year and I forgot to wish you a happy New Year!"

"Huh?"

"Happy New Year!" I said in a louder voice.

"Oh! Ah, thank you and happy New Year to you too. Can I go to sleep now?" he smiled.

"Yes."

"Right. Goodnight, Miss Ul Copt," he grinned and shook his head. He probably thought I had lost my mind or drank more than the two sips of champagne I actually had.

Oh well. Let him. He had certainly had his incoherent moments in the past. As I thought about it, he was irrational nearly all the time I had known him. It was as if we spoke two different languages sometimes. I think most guys do, or _pretend_ to mistake what we say, in order to get out of sticky situations. Yeah, it was a guy thing. I had little trouble communicating with the female half of the population. Then again, it was mostly with Xelloss with whom I was most aware of the problem. But not Brad. Brad. That was the first I had thought of him all day since about 3:30. Imagine that! It took the biggest annoyance of my life to wipe out my biggest disappointment.

Anyway, that was the way my head was buzzing as I tip-toed back down the hall. I stopped outside the door to my room. The door to my room was closed...and locked...and the key was inside. I had locked my self out of my room! That shouldn't have been possible! I had had the key in my hand when I left, hadn't I? I could _not_ believe it. I had pulled a 'Xelloss'. What was it Zel-bob used to say? _Oh joy... _

I marched back to Xelly's room and knocked at his door_ again._ "Xeeee-lleeee..."

Xelloss couldn't believe it either... "Having problems getting to sleep? _I _am..."

"No, well...yes...I mean, I know this sounds pretty silly but... I locked myself out of my room."

For the second time in that many minutes he stood in his doorway, one eyebrow raised, holding his robe closed with one hand. "That would just be too stupid. Good night, Filia."

I caught the door before it was closed. "I know, but it_ is_ true! Now, just let me in. I don't want to stand here in the hall-- it's cold."

Xelloss stood away from the door and closed it after me. "Whatever you say, Filly-dear," he sighed.

"Don't patronize me, Xelly-bean! If you don't believe me, just go over and check. Or... you could be a gentleman and offer to go to the desk and get a pass key.

"I have never claimed to be a gentleman," he smiled. "If you want, you can stay with me," he swept the room with an arm, "however, there is only the one bed, and in the style of the old world accommodations, the bed isn't large."

Not to mention the floor was polished, hard, hardwood, the chairs were small and stiff, and there was no couch. "Okay. I'm too tired to fight about it," I sighed.

"O-kay?" He sounded skeptical.

I just dropped my robe and climbed in. I wasn't a kid any more and we had shared space before, albeit of a less intimate kind and while traveling with the other Slayers. Sure, I had had a sip or two of the champagne, but I was fully cognizant of what I was doing. I was going to sleep. That was it.

"Okaaaaay." He must have given up trying to figure me out. He wandered around the room a moment.

"What are you doing, now?" I asked.

"Looking for my pajamas. Ummm, the bottoms at least." He slipped them on, and then draped his robe across a chair back. "I must try to live up to that gentleman designation. I thought you might appreciate that."

He was being clever and funny, or trying to. I said nothing, but watched him get in beside me. "Um, I sleep better on that side, if it's all the same to you," he said.

At my sudden intake of breath, he said, "Oh, you noticed I had some plastic surgery."

His chest looked great. Some of the deeper indentations were still visible, but in the near-dark, that was all. "When...?"

"My...ah...wife..._ex_...encouraged me. They had to put me under each time I went in for treatments, but...I guess it was worth it, eh?" He looked so unsure of himself, as if my approval counted.

"Let me see your back," I said. "They did a good job on you, Xelloss. Your life would have been easier had you done this years ago." I was still running my fingers over his warm skin. I noticed him sigh and rotate his head. "Want a massage? Just a short one to help to relax?"

"Well..." he hesitated, starting to object, maybe, but I sat up on my knees and continued on his shoulders and neck. "O...kaaaaay..."

I was a priestess of the highest standing in the Cepheid clan, and healing massages were a specialty of mine. He was putty in my hands; that is, if I had wanted putty. "How's that? Yeah, the muscles were so tight, tense. You should be able to sleep better now." I slapped his nice shoulder.

He had turned to look at me, his eyes smoldering in the dim light reflecting off the snow outside. "Filia..." his hands gripped my arms.

He burned a kiss onto my lips I would never forget. I would be branded for life now, I feared. I fell backwards onto a high pile of down pillows with him in my arms. Sounds romantic? I was thinking it was about time for him to make some stupid move, and I was rewarded for that perceptiveness with an invasive hand. His torso stiffened slightly. I opened my eyes and he smiled.

"Hey!" I shouted and batted away at his hand. "Just 'cause I gave you a massage is no reason to get all...What's that?"

"Ah, ha!" he chuckled and pulled his hand out of my left breast pajama pocket. He held up a glittering object. My room key.

"What?"

He grinned like a maniac and wriggled it under my nose.

"Oh, no..." If he thought that I had faked the whole thing just to sleep with him, well! "Wipe that silly grin off your face, Xelly-pod! I don't know how that got there, but I did not, DID NOT, know it was there!"

"Yes, you di-id!" he taunted me.

"Xel-loss! NO!"

"Fil-lee, YES!"

I beat him about the head for awhile until he dissolved into a giggling puddle of mush on the bed. I took my key and what was left of my dignity and left.

I had to laugh when I was safely back in my own room, my own bed. First, I hadn't actually locked myself out of my room; I had just forgotten that I'd slipped the key into that stupid pocket. Second, it was pretty funny. Third, Xelloss was an awfully good sport all around. And fourth...I forgot what that was. I closed my eyes and smiled as sleep took over.

But...what if it was all due to some subconscious desire to be with him? I was not sleeping with_ that_ thought as the last thing on my mind! I recall bolting out of bed to find my book of Cepheid Healing Arts and reading until my mind-wipe was complete.

We ended up staying four days before going back to Seyruun and had an absolute blast. What was most memorable? Let's see... Oh, yeah. It was just the next morning, late over tea and the most wonderful pastries. We were relaxed and comfortable in our window seat.

"What would you like to do? Just name it! Shop, see the sights..." he asked me.

"Ski."

"SKI?" His eyebrows shot up; even under his bangs I could tell.

"Yeah, look at this brochure."

"Where did you get that?"

"You saying I stole it?" I got defensive.

"No. Where did you _find_ it?"

"There are dozens of them by the desk at our inn. Now look, it shows where the lifts are and stuff. Here, you can read German. What does it say? Is it far?"

I could see the gears turning in his head. He could have lied and avoided going, but he didn't. In spite of his lack of interest, he told me, "No. It's very close. We are in the center of the ski resorts. But Filia, we haven't the clothes or the equipment."

I tapped on the table. "Is that an insurmountable problem?"

"Noooo," he admitted meekly. "We can go shopping first for the clothes and rent the rest."

"Great! It's a plan then!"

Okay, so he had never skied in his life. He was a fast learner and mastered the baby slopes in no time while I tackled the intermediate. It was breathtaking.

And so was he, but I didn't notice at the time, or admit that I noticed it.

We were on our flight back to Seyruun when Xelloss told me, "I have enjoyed these last couple of days like few others. I'd like to see you again, Filia."

"And you will. Tomorrow we have a mandatory band meeting before the gig."

He smiled and looked past me out the window of our plane. "That's not what I meant." He returned his gaze to me. "It doesn't matter though. I will be out of town much of the next few months on business."

"Monitoring ex-syndicate establishments?" I asked.

"Partly...along those lines. Some of the old-timers and not a few of the younger fast-climbers have been...reluctant to come on board." His face was expressionless. I knew he was holding back information from me. Just as well. I did not want to know what he had to do. I mean, I was curious, but I didn't want to drag it out of him. "What I wanted to say," he started up again, "was that aside from our gigs, you won't see me for some time."

"Not that that's new..." I pointed out.

"No, but... I didn't want you to think that after this...trip, that I was shelving you. That I had just used you to get over my divorce and then skipped off."

I understood him now. "That's pretty considerate of you, Xelly. I appreciate you telling me, but I might not have thought of it that way. I have had my own problems to get past." Realizing how selfish I had just sounded–as if my loss of a recent boyfriend could compare to his divorce on any pain scale– I added, "But I must say, you made me forget it all. I only thought about Brad once, and that was fleeting."

"Really?" His smiled became sincere. "Me too! Of course, Brad wasn't all that important to _me_, though..." he said with a giggle.

"Xelly-bean! Be serious," I grumbled, but I couldn't help smiling. He was having a disquieting impact on my way of thinking.

"Okay," he clasped my hand in his. "Seeeeeriously...I promise to call you when I have a free day and I will try and find something new to do...to captivate your heart."

My turn to laugh and he joined in. We were interrupted by an attendant bringing us drinks and finger-sandwich snacks.

"I could get used to this," I mused.

"Luxury?"

"Ummm... and traveling to new places. If it wasn't for the band, I never would have ventured out of Seyruun. And was left to my parents, I'd be glued to the settlement."

"I like traveling." He brushed a few crumbs off his shirt and started to raise his glass to his lips, then paused, "So... I was wondering, would you like to do something like this again?"

I looked over at his hands. One set down his drink, but I was certain it had been trembling. I answered, "Sure, its not like we're a couple dating or anything."

"No..."

"I really only date eligible candidates these days," I added.

"_Candidates_?"

"Guys I might consider marriageable."

"Oh? Sounds to me like you have given marriage a great deal of thought."

"I have. When I get married it will be forever...ah, sorry..."

"That's okay. I wanted that myself. I guess I could use some better standards to judge Maybe you can give me some pointers?"

I wasn't certain he wasn't pulling my leg, so I just stared at him a little longer, waiting for him to break up into giggles. He didn't.

"Okay? So, what are _your_ criteria?" he asked. "I appeal to your superior powers of scrutiny."

"I think you're leading me along here, but... Well... first, he must be clan..."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

"Ah..."

"What does that mean? Do you know someone?"

"Not really, but that thins out the possibilities. You wouldn't consider just going out with others?"

"Once in a while, but if I suspect they are getting too attached to me then I tell them the truth."

"You don't sleep around then."

"Absolutely not, Xelloss!" I treated him to a little swat on the back for that. "I'm a priestess in the clan!"

"And I'm a priest in the White Shrine." Then 'gamely' he added, "I see you... and raise you by a position in the syndicate! What's that got to do with fooling around?"

"Oh gods... the point I am trying to make...I am what used to be called a Shrine Maiden until I am married. Graced in purity..."

Realization dawned on him. "You're a virgin?"

"Shhh, you idiot! You don't have to announce it!"

"I didn't know. I bet you were the only cheerleader not bedding the football team on a regular basis. Wow, Filly...that's impressive...and you are _how_ old?"

I punched him for that one. "Doesn't matter. The point is... I don't fool around period and I don't waste my time with non-prospects."

That brought a smile to his face. "Then what does that make me?"

"What? You're a friend...one of the band. You're...my Xelly-bean, you know that."

"I'm a special case then?"

"Yeah, you can think of yourself that way, I guess." I opened a book and started to read, but I could feel his eyes on me still. "Xelloooooss... find something to do."

"Okay... It's just...I can't get over it. Untouched and so beautiful..."

"_Get_ over it. What are you getting on about now?"

"Nothing, Filia. Is that a good book?"

"Yes, didn't you bring one?"

"Ah...no."

I handed mine over to him, "Here, take it. I brought another just in case."

He smiled and took the book out of my hands. "Ah, thinking of me...I'm obliged."

"You're _something_, all right...um, you're welcome."

We continued to talk about other things after that and never did get back to our reading.

Funny that. He used to be really annoying, but I think he had matured a little. I never once considered killing him in five whole days!

**End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Three.**


	4. Choosing a Path

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07-05

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

Chapter Four: Choosing a Path

"Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it." – Don Marquis

* * *

– In the third year after the musical ...–  
Time flew by. College classes were a lot more interesting and the work more meaningful than it had ever been in high school. We played a Valentine gig and exchanged cards. To make this ritual more fun, the cards all said 'Happy Birthday!' Xelloss had missed the gig entirely, although he'd notified Lina and arranged it with Joey to be his replacement. He hadn't been stretching the truth about being busy and gone. I even had to trim his hair right before he went on stage twice because he hadn't had time to even stop in that long. Anyway, after the Valentine's Day job, I went out with Sylphiel, Lina and Gourry for Val's 21st birthday send off. Zel had to get back for a science lab and Amelia had a test the next day. 

"Hey, yer lookin' a bit blue, Fil," Val commented. I must have looked really bad for him to say something.

"Oh, it's nothing. Just tired, I guess."

"Tired? I'm tired ALL the time," Sylphiel moaned.

She spent the next half an hour complaining...well, telling us all about her pregnancy and her problems. I didn't care. It saved me from examining my own troubles.

I had just met a likely_ candidate_ to date seriously, but he was a professor at the university. I was having second thoughts about it, too. So far, we'd met for coffee, or in my case tea, and a dinner in town. Nothing special, but it was clear that he intended to ask me out again. I was ambivalent. My problem with the whole thing was two-fold: an ethical dilemma and one of the heart. It didn't take my friend Amelia to point out that it wasn't a good idea to date a man who might turn out to be my teacher some day. The Xelloss and Eris affair were testament to that bad idea. What bothered me more, though, was my lack of passion, of caring even! It was like I was going through the motions without feeling a thing. Zel thought I was going through a mild depression and recommended that I speak to Milgasia. I agreed.

"What has changed in your life recently?" Milgasia, my friend and clan leader, asked.

I explained about my candidate search.

"Whatever happened to the young man you brought to the clan last fall?"

"Who? Brad? Isn't he still dating Polly, your niece?"

"That...was...is Brad? No, I don't think they are still dating. Maybe your break up with him is the problem."

I had to admit that sounded plausible, but it wasn't so. "Xelly and I had a great time over New Year's and I forgot the two-timing bastard in no time."

"I see, Xelloss you say? I haven't seen him around lately. Is he still in the band?"

"Yeah, he's been real busy. He warned me he'd be gone for a few months."

"Maybe you are missing him. You know, a close friend to go out and have fun with...no strings attached."

"Maybe..."

"There _are_ no strings, are there?"

"What? With Xelloss? No, he's not even clan."

We talked longer and didn't solve anything, but I felt better just talking to him about, well, me and my worries. I wasn't getting any younger, and the available, suitable clan men were dwindling, being snatched up by other more eager young women.

"What's wrong with me? I've been trying, but now...lately...my heart hasn't been in it."

"Nothing, Filia. You are not a typical clan girl, that's all. You're head-strong, attractive– more than most-- and very active outside the settlement, with the band and school. I think you frighten the young men."

"Not _all_ the men."

"No, not Val...and Xelloss, apparently."

"Xelloss. There you go with _him_ again. He's a friend. He was recovering from his divorce and I from Brad and we helped each other."

"Odd, he seems to think it was more," Milgasia said.

"_More_? When...? He came to _you?_ What did he tell you?"

"E-mail. Xelloss was asking for more clan locations. He said he had tried to find you a 'suitable mate', but could find no one better than himself."

"What? He told you _that_! No, he wouldn't say that to you and ... but then he couldn't face me and tell me to his face because I'd pound him for his impudence. He's not clan, so he's out of the running, and he knows it. He was just joking. He's annoying that way. Why are you giving me that look?"

"Because, my dear, dear Miss Filia, you just showed more spirit, more passion just now explaining how your friend, Xelloss, cannot possibly be interested in you or that you have an interest in him, than I've heard out of you in a very long time. I think that is your problem. I think you found a deep friendship in him, and miss him."

"Nonsense," I said, dismissing the possibility. "But even if I was missing a little, nothing can come of it. I'm not leaving the clan and he is not joining it."

Milgasia shook his head. "Cherish the friendship, Filia. Relax. Don't pressure yourself. A good man will enter your life and you'll both fall in love. Soon. In the meantime, go places that interest you, with the people you like, and don't worry. Love will come when you don't expect it."

Yeah, sure.

This next part begins with the combined recollections of the participants (gleaned without the loss of blood), not always me...--

Lina answered the door. "Hey, Xelloss, yer back! You stickin' 'round for awhile?"

"Yes," he answered and kissed her lightly on the cheek. He never missed an opportunity.

"Good. I got a new song I want your opinion on. Come in."

"Okay, thanks." Xelloss entered the house Lina and I shared and scanned the place for signs of other occupants, me in particular. "Looks a mess as usual. Filia here?"

"No, so you can relax. She's out with some professor dude."

"Oh?" His query was accompanied by a raised eyebrow indicating a mixture of surprise and displeasure as he wove through the scattered books and discarded papers to the couch in her living room.

"Listen to this," Lina turned up the volume on the CD player and hummed along to a new tune. "Catchy, eh?"

"Hn."

She switched it off. "Okay, what's with you now? Can't live with her, can't live without her?"

"Huh? Who?"

"For the love of... Xelloss are you mentally incompetent or something? It's as if your brain is floating on some other plane of existence. What's up?"

He turned to Lina and blinked, "Sorry, maybe I was off elsewhere for a minute there. Who'd you say Filia was with?"

"I hadn't. What is it with Filia all of a sudden? I expected you to be happy she wasn't here, or do you just need to knock heads with her every so often? Xelloss? XELLOSS! Gods, I am talking to you and you are so out there."

"His name, please."

"You can be so one-tracked...Dr. Chaferly, political science teacher."

"Chaferly! Paul Chaferly?"

"Yes, why? What don't we know that you seem to know?" Lina asked.

"Do you happen to know where she was going?"

Lina realized then that Xelloss' mind was indeed single-minded. "Some foreign film at the Bijou theater downtown. Wait! You can't go there!"

"Maybe I shouldn't, but you _must_," Xelloss told her, his tone fierce.

"So you say..." Lina could wait until he agreed to start talking.

Xelloss gave in with a sigh, "When she mentioned at our last gig that she'd had tea with a professor who was also a Cepheid Believer, I wondered who it might be. I checked and there were only three, two of which were women, and the other Paul Chaferly. Lina, the man's married and has very bad reputation as a...lady's man, you could say." Xelloss looked at the time, "It's not too late. If we hurry, we can catch them coming out of the show before...he has the opportunity to take her any place else."

Lina grabbed his arm and stopped him. "No 'we'. She'll be mad enough without you being the one to tell her. Coming from me it's different. And I suggest you go...visit Rezo or something. I don't care who; just don't be here when we get back– if we get back. Got that?"

He agreed and stayed long enough to watch her drive off in her bright red Trailblazer– a combined graduation gift from Zel, Val, and Xelloss.

Well, Lina wasn't kidding. I was mad as hell when I found out about Paul. And hurt. I didn't know how Lina had just uncovered the information about the two-timer. No, _not _a two-timer-- that had been the _other_ loser, Brad. This guy had been far worse. He'd been an adulterer! Could I pick-em, or what! So, when confronted with the truth, Paul didn't deny it. In fact, he claimed he thought I already knew that about him! I was glad to take Lina up on her offer of a ride home, and after I ran out and slashed the tires on that man's fancy Mazda, I began to feel a bit better. Well, it could have been his deceitful face!

And as good as ripping rubber while imaging that it was HIS FACE made me feel, it wasn't enough. When we got back to the house, I ate a full carton of ice cream, and then I closed myself up in my room and cried. It simply wasn't fair!

The next day, Xelloss joined Lina, Zel and me at a campus hang-out. Everyone was very sympathetic, which helped.

"Filia, I was hoping to speak privately with you," Xelloss whispered. "I understand if you aren't in the mood now, but call me if..."

"Let's go," I cut him off. No use playing games with the master. "Take me somewhere fun. Your treat."

He smiled a very warm smile. It certainly warmed _me_.

"You have class in an hour," Zel reminded me.

"I know, but not today. Today I need a lesson in tolerance." I didn't care to know what reaction I got out of him for that off-hand remark, because I was already leading the way out the door-- my mood becoming more upbeat with each new step.

Lina related her conversation with Zel to me later, well parts. I had to piece their conversation together after pressuring them both independently. I gotta tell you, never again! I'm making them write their own version and you can judge for yourself. Course, crushing the spirit out of Zel-bob to get it filled in more realistically had its pleasurable side. Ha, ha! Now, I'm beginning to sound like Lina! Anyway...

"What do you think she meant by that?" Lina asked Zel.

"I'm not sure, but I know that Xelloss has targeted Filia to be the new focus of his life."

"What!" Lina gasped nearly choking on her pizza. "Xelloss told you that? He wants to date...Filia? That's crazy!"

"Ah, yes...crazy– spelled X-e-l-l-o-s-s."

"But she only dates clan guys now. She told me so!"

"Well, I guess he has his work cut out for him then," Zel sipped his tea, the barest flicker of a smile teasing the corners of his mouth.

"Zel, it's futile! They will both end up fighting and hating each other and it will ruin the band in the end, just like... Ugh...Xelloss...! Why can't he pick on someone else_? Anyone else?"_

"You, perhaps? Are you feeling neglected, Lina?" Zel was not going to let Lina get away without making a point. "He waited a long time for you. You can't expect him to wait forever. How long was it you told him? 'Ten years?' That sounded better than 'never' to him at the time, but in reality, he needs someone. _Now_. He really does." Zelgadiss set down his coffee and stared hard at his childhood friend. "He's a good man, Lina. He is doing good things with his life. Every ill-gotten dollar that he inherited, he has used to rebuild and transform some place or community into something better. And...he rarely leaves the Metallium name to be credited. Often it is done anonymously or in one of his splinter company names. He does not do it for his own aggrandizement. Do you know why? Do you?"

"You said it: he's a great guy."

"He is, but that's not what motivates him. He does it to prove his worthiness...to you. He wants you to admire him. He wants you to fall in love with him, and tell him so."

Lina sat back and looked down at her hands. "I like him all right, more than most, but...if I told him a thing like that, he'd want more. He'd dedicate himself to me, smother me, and then want a commitment. And that...is not what I want, not now."

"Well, _now_ is your chance– maybe your last."

"Last? What makes you think so?"

"Bringing us back to the start of our conversation," Zel said. "Somehow, Filia has captured his attention. He always said she was 'entertaining', but now she's has him entranced."

"No kidding!" Lina's expression became a smirk. "There's nothing to worry about, then. That's a romance with no future whatsoever. I can guarantee it! Filia's limited herself to clan guys– no exceptions. And Xelloss would be the exception to end all exceptions! Besides, they have too much animosity and too much bad history. It won't work. I'm not worried."

Zel didn't believe a word of it. He knew Lina's ego required a certain level of veneration from all her friends; she thrived on it. Gourry's quick retreat and impulsive marriage to Sylphiel had shocked her. Xelloss' marriage and countless dalliances had bothered her, Zel knew, so he could imagine being dropped again had to disturb her. "Who told you about Dr. Chaferly?"

"What makes you think I didn't dig out the info on my own?" Lina retorted.

"Too much trouble."

Lina folded her arms across her chest. "Okay. It was Xelloss."

Zel nodded, "I thought so. Now, think hard about this, Lina. After Brad, who was Filia with? Wasn't it you who told me she and Xelloss left for skiing over New Year's? Did you go along? I didn't go. They went alone. Something changed then. Now, she's taken off with him again. Want to bet you won't be seeing your roommate for a few days...that's...until our next gig?"

Lina had to admit Zel's logic was solid. "When did you become so astute, Zel?"

"About relationships, you mean? Between Val and Xelloss, I have had a wealth of 'case in points' to study."

"Unsuccessful ones," she noted.

"Those are the most common."

Lina's voice grew tender, "Ummm, so how are _you_ doing?"

"Fine."

"Have you seen, er...Amelia lately?"

As usual, Zel's defensive mechanism locked in, "I haven't the time or energy to put into a romance."

"Just flings."

"Call them what you will," he sighed. "Any word on a replacement for Sylphiel?"

Lina brightened, "Yeah, I shoulda told everyone. Hitomi said she'd fill in at gigs until the baby is born and Sylphiel's ready."

"Hitomi! That's great, Lina! She's a wonderful singer."

"Too good, but a right-thinking lady with a good head on her shoulders. I told her she could include a few numbers of her own, with us doing back up. I think we could tour with her later. It's better than having to rely on Nahga or put up with Martina."

"Martina," Zel groaned. "No kidding. She always insists on dragging Zangalus and her badly behaved kid along. Nahga, on the other hand,..."

"Don't get me started on Nahga," Lina warned him. "Why I let you talk me into going with you, Val, Amelia and NAHGA to that cabin...I don't know," she shook her head, but did it with a smile. "That was fun, though."

"Yeah, it was," he was wistful. "She and Val have turned that deserted rock pile into a great spa now." He decided that this was not the time to correct Lina's inaccurate impression, while she was smiling. If she thought he had invited her to join them, then fine, but it had been Val's choice as to who was along on that camping trip, not his.

"Now...but back then..." Lina laughed. "Remember when the bear came snuffling around place?"

"Not so funny at the time."

"Well, not after we discovered it had chewed up our shoes and we had to hike bare-footed back to the Caravan! But I'll never forget Nahga chasing the bear off, banging our pots and pans for all they were worth."

"Me neither," Zel smirked.

Lina shot him a funny look. "You aren't any different from the rest of them."

"The rest of _whom_-- the male half of the human race? How could I not have noticed Nahga in the buff driving away a bear? She's pretty...spectacular. Val thinks so too."

"Val has always appreciated her...various talents," Lina sniffed.

"They are a lot alike, which is probably why they work well together and get along."

"They aren't married, which is why they get along so well," Lina corrected him cynically.

Zel smiled smugly and nodded. His sentiments exactly. He swallowed a bite of roll and took a drink.

"So, when were you going to tell me about the art show?" Lina asked coyly.

Zel's face fell and he choked on his coffee.

"Heh, heh... Thought you could pull a fast one over on me, eh?"

"Xelloss," he growled.

"Yeah, but not his fault. Filia, Val, and I were at his place and saw your stuff on the walls. Pretty impressive, I say again. I can't wait to see them up in a gallery hanging out with the best Seyruun has to offer."

Zelgadiss was rather subdued after that and the two parted ways for classes.

While our friends were tripping down memory lane, Xelloss and I were trying to go off-road and forge an ocean of doubt to the climb a mountain of problems to a heaven of hope. Now that was some awful writing, I'll admit, but my brain had become un-wired at this time; at least, that's as good an explanation as any for what was about to happen.

"You just ate, or I'd know where to take you," Xelloss opened. He was trotting to keep up with me.

"I didn't eat, as if you hadn't noticed. I just had tea. A cup of tea. I didn't even drink it. I just let it get cold. Lina ate...and ate...and ate."

"Okay, then we should cross the street and wait about five minutes."

"The bus?"

He nodded. Oh yeah. I had forgotten he rarely drove.

"Funny how you can memorize countless bus schedules, but get lost crossing town in a car."

He shrugged and replied, "The brain works in mysterious ways..."

"Not THE brain, YOUR brain."

Another shrug. "You want to cry on my shoulder or pound on it?" he asked patiently.

"Neither. Did my crying last night and you are too small to pound."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I need a mountain to blow up. I don't know-- something that big."

"I see," he said. But of course he didn't. How could he? Ah, well, I guess worse things had happened to him before, but he was _used_ to that. Not _me!_

I paid no attention to where we were going, which is why I was standing stupidly outside a newly painted building face wondering what Xelloss had in mind. He was smiling inanely, his back to the window, arms folded.

"So?" I asked.

"Would you like to go in?"

"Whatever..." I mumbled irritably, and then I _finally_ noticed the beautiful ornate gold writing on the glass.

It read: The Mace and Vase. Below the lettering was painted a long-handled mace leaning up against a tall, graceful vase. The vase was itself decorated with a golden dragon figure winding from the base to the lip. I recognized both elements of the design at once. The mace looked like my favorite keepsake from the musical and the vase was like one I had created for my senior project from high school. Sadly, the vase had been broken when my baby brother bowled it over the day after I had brought it home.

The amazing part of the story was that Xelloss had found this place-- at least it was to me.

"Mace and Vase," I read aloud in disbelief.

"Would you like to see the inside?" he asked, the door half open, beckoning.

"Sure..."

The place was a tea house. Light and cheerful with tasteful, not fussy appointments. Lady-like, but not ladies-only.

"We'd like that table in the alcove, please," Xelloss nodded to one side.

"Yes, Mr. Metallium. This way please," answered a perky young woman.

She showed us to our seats and handed us menus. "Would you like to begin with a tea service?"

He nodded, and she left us alone.

I looked at the menu, while sneaking peaks around the lovely room. "What's through that doorway?" I asked him. "I assume you've been here before. Many 'befores', I guess, since the waitress recognized you. That or you're dating her."

"I'm not dating anyone, currently," he assured me quickly. "But I'll admit I have been here often." He stood. "Come take a look. Ah...the room there is empty, for the time being."

I set down my menu. We wouldn't have need for more food; the tea included a wealth of goodies. "Okay, I'm on my way."

Once inside, we strolled around the vast emptiness. "I see, Xelly. It's a shop without a product, so?"

"So...I was thinking it could use some...ceramics. Nice ones to sell." he added, carefully weighing my reaction.

"You thought...? This place is yours, then?"

"Yes, I own this entire establishment."

"Oh..."

He led me back to our table as the tea arrived. He spoke quietly to the waitress, and then sat down. "Val once told me about a place you brought him to..."

"Dragged, you mean," I inserted.

Xelloss chuckled, "I defer to you on that one, Filly. I was in a coma at the time. Anyway, it closed last year when the owners retired and sold the business. I think it's a bagel store now. When this location was available recently, I purchased it and turned it into this. It's open just mornings and afternoons, and doing well. Lots of business people in and out all day. I was thinking of what to do with it to make it an evening place as well."

"Desserts..." I sat back as a delicious looking plate of finger sandwiches stacked attractively amid bouquets of parsley was delivered to our table. Another two-tiered plate arrangement of cakes and cookies arrived immediately after the first. "Oh Xelly, this looks terrific!" I couldn't keep from sounding foolishly delighted.

Xelloss smiled at my approval and helped himself to a sampling of food. I had to admire how relaxed he was in this setting. He was at ease in most situations that would drive crazy (or off entirely) nearly any other man I knew. He could fit in anywhere.

Except the clan, I reminded myself.

He was watching me attentively, but I had lost my train of thought so I added rather stupidly, "It's a great place."

"Hmmm, you were saying about desserts?"

Right that's where I was headed before he distracted me! "Yes, the theater...two theaters are less than a block away. Folks like to do something after a show, but aside from a few dark nightclubs, nothing's open of interest."

"You're right," he told me. "I'll look into that. Maybe Polly's Pies and Pastries would like to expand or we could carry their products. So, about the ceramics..."

"What did you have in mind? Do you have a buyer?" I asked.

"Ah...no, just me and...you, with any luck. I was wondering..._hoping_ that I could talk you out of a few of your creations to begin with."

"Me? My stuff? Xelloss, I'm flattered, but it's not good enough. I could do much better now; that is, if I had the time or place. Not with classes."

"But if you had a place, a studio to work in when you had time..."

"What time?" I shook my head and ate in silence.

"Why are you going to college, Filia?"

I had to admit, he had me stumped with that one. "Well, most good jobs require a degree for one thing. I don't want to be stuck out on the settlement all the time, slaving away. Besides, how else am I going to meet anyone...ah...new people?" Earning my 'M.R.S.' sounded honest but brain-deadening to say aloud.

"What kind of jobs were you considering?"

"Like a gallery job or... oh, I don't know." I didn't have a clue what I could do or what interested me. I think I was the only one of the Slayers so distinguished.

"How about trying something different?"

"Go on..."

"How about becoming the buyer for the shop here and when you're not traveling for that, you could be creating your own art in a studio?" He looked up into my astonished eyes and smiled, "More tea?"

"Xelloss! Are you being serious? Drop out of school and...a job like that? Why would you risk this place? I might not know anything. I could buy crap and load down the store with stuff that can't be sold. I might..."

"You might have a fresh approach to combine with what I consider to be excellent taste and choose the new wave of artists setting the future trends everywhere," he finished for me.

"I'd have no idea where to...how to...get started. I can't even arrange a trip to Atlas City!" Was he nuts!

"Ah, but I do, I can, and...I have pretty good judgment to bounce ideas off of, right? We could travel together, combining business with pleasure, at first...if you'd like." From adult to little boy, Xelloss' tone changed dramatically.

"My parents would kill me."

"I doubt it. You could always return to college, should you find the arrangements didn't suit you. The University is not going anyplace and besides, the job experience would look great on your resume."

My mind was churning over the details of his offer so fast I could hardly concentrate. "Could the studio be close to Lina's home or out at the settlement?"

"It would simple to build two, one in each place; whatever would be convenient for you."

"Why...? What do you get out of this? What...do you want in return, Xelloss?" I suppose my suspicious nature was activated.

"Me? Nothing. I just want to see you happy for a change, Filia. Everyone seems to be forging ahead toward their goals, but you seem to be drifting."

"It's only my first year of college," I felt a bit defensive. But, I knew he was thinking about my personal life.

"There aren't many Cepheid Believers at the university, Filia. You'll have more opportunities meeting a 'candidate' in the outside world."

"You know this? You'll help me, promise?"

"Yes and yes."

"Okay, I'll think about it. I can do that tonight, right? I don't have to give you an answer right this minute, do I?"

"Of course, not. Take a few days, all week. I'll speak to your parents if you like."

"Oh, you can bet they'll want to talk to you, Xelly-bean. They'll think you're trying to buy my affections."

"No...that's not possible." He smiled fondly and squeezed my hand by surprise. "Your affection is a priceless gift you bestow upon the unsuspecting."

It was such an odd thing for him to say and he said it so meaningfully that I wasn't sure if he was serious or joking, so I decided to take the high road. "Thanks. Now, there are four little pastry things left, which ones do you want?"

That got him. I noticed that single eyebrow rise into his thick bangs as he seriously studied the plate. "Ah, the lemon and the other raspberry tartlet," Xelloss decided at last.

So, what did _I_ decide to do? I wanted to do it the moment he showed me that empty shop. I filled the shelves with pretend pots and cerebral ceramics from all over the world. But front and center were display cases of mine, _all mine_.

It was my family that I knew would be hard to convince of my rash new career choice. As it turned out, Milgasia did that for me. He had a long talk with them. I'm sure he mentioned that the Volphied clans-- the elder of which had been killed in pursuit of the secret of the Ancient weapons in another of our past summer exercises-- had extended me an invitation to visit. I'd be like an ambassador. No one seemed at all concerned that I'd be traveling around with Xelloss. He seemed to have everyone's trust these days. I had to promise to finish the last couple months of the school year, then do the paper work saying that I was only taking a year's leave-of-absence so that I could get right back in, if I wanted to...because _they_ really wanted me to.

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Four.


	5. I'm Falling

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07-06

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Five: I'm Falling...**

**"From the satisfaction of desire there may arise, accompanying joy and as it were sheltering behind it, something not unlike despair." – Andre Gide.**

**Note: Intimacy warning ahead. Frank discussions and sexual content.**

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One day, I got a phone call from my housemate. "Hello? Oh, Lina, yeah? I was busy a few minutes ago, but the shop's empty now so I gotta minute. What's up?" I adjusted the phone to my other ear and listened.

"Zel had this idea, good one, and I figured I'd get you to put this on your new busy, full schedule now before you get home."

"Zel? Is he there?"

"Yep. So, the Slayers will play for Amelia's graduation party. It'll be at the mansion and be for most the graduating class. Pretty cool for the kid, huh?"

"Yeah, I bet Amelia will love it. You cleared it with her already?" I hoped.

"He did that first off. She was ecstatic."

"That's nice. Say, tell him I got the invite and will be at his art show opening party, okay?"

"Sure, everyone's gonna be there," Lina sighed.

I knew Lina had nothing to wear and I could use something more fashionable as well. "How about going shopping with me. We want to make the art critics in town know Zel-bob's got friends in high places."

That approach worked—more easily than I had expected. I had no idea that someone else had already 'sold his soul' to Lina to get her to buy something new and classy. "Yeah, sure. I'd knock'em dead in any dress, but I might as well do it in a new one."

(Note: Now that I think about this more, it might have been Amelia's graduation party or it probably was Kiki's the more I think about it. It's not relevant to my story, though, so I'll just move on. Zel-bob will know and correct me later, I'm sure.)

We all attended Zelgadiss' art show! Everyone was there dressed elegantly, but none more so than Lina. Heads turned when Lina passed by in a shimmery gold lame, ankle-length dress slit up her thigh. With her hair piled on top of her head and spilling down in lush curls around her neck, she looked like a flame or a fire cracker, but gorgeous. I nearly regretted having picked it out for her. Not that I didn't look striking myself in a filmy sea-green dress and my hair in a French knot. Sylphiel looked so thin and beautiful in a dark red, long, satin dress that I began to feel frumpy. When Xelloss' cast his gaze over me, though, I knew I was as gorgeous as anyone there. He hadn't even given Lina _that_ look. Amelia, at least, looked smart and cute, but not competitive in a blue dress with a high neckline and long sleeves.

I have to tell you, tuxes make a vast improvement to nearly all men, even Val. Especially Xelloss. Zelgadiss looked stiff, like usual, but not uncomfortably so. He covered his nerves well and allowed Xelloss to give a speech and introduce him to the crowd of art critics. After that we paraded around looking at the pictures and sipping drinks.

Lina and Gourry hovered by the refreshments most of the time, while Amelia followed Zel around protectively. Zel and Amelia have this secret little hand-over-heart signal that they pass one another now. It's really cute and they think we don't notice it. Well, I'm not telling! Val and Sylphiel wandered together, leaving me to entertain Xelly-bean. Sorry to say that's about all I recall from that event. My mind was on my upcoming plans bringing another huge change in my life.

I know something else big happened about this time too, but I can't recall. Something's out of order, probably… Mr. Precision Zelgadiss will set you all straight later. It's the romance stuff that counts here. Oh my gods! Gourry and Sylphiel's wedding! But I already wrote about that! Oh well, I got things a bit confused and out of order. Just ignore all that. It's not important anyway. Pretend I didn't and now they just got married.

In June, when the Slayers band traditionally took a two-week break, I packed my bags and learned how to be a globe trotter, Xelly-style. Then we just continued going and going. Coming back or meeting the band for weekly practices and gigs. He was a peach, if that's a good thing. Everything was first class with him. Limos, fine hotels, four and five star restaurants, cruises. It was exhilarating. I loved it!

He took me to a fancy dress shop in Italy and bought me really artsy, spendy things he said were necessary for the kinds of places we might be seen. Nothing low-cut or sexy in that way; I discovered Xelloss preferred to 'use his mind's eye', or so he said. Actually, he told me that my being a high ranking priestess was a selling point (although whether it was for me or for him, I wasn't sure) and that I should stay within the 'template' of what was proper dress for a lady of standing in my clan. I got a little tired of his interference, but it was his money after all.

I also bought tons of art. Xelloss, I discovered had done his share of homework. He sought out experts in every country and hunted for bargains and unknowns with a sophistication beyond belief, well, my belief. He wore a suit and tie or did casual cool and always...always was the best-dressed, best looking man in the room. I was star-struck.

Xelly-bean, good friend that he was, also kept his other promise and introduced me to hand-picked 'possibilities', as he called them. Men from other Cepheid or occasionally Volphied clans who he thought might make me a suitable suitor. Right off the bat I told Xelloss not to bother bringing me dates who couldn't speak my language. I had studied the one year of Japanese, sure, but I wasn't good at languages at all. Not one of my talents. He could speak anything, it seemed. He told me that it would not be a problem and continued to deliver them to my door. Actually, each meeting began as a double date, Xelloss appearing with a different girl each time I changed men. If I approved of his choice for me, there might be a second date, usually without a Xelloss chaperone. There was rarely a third date and never a fourth. Regardless of how I felt about each man, none of them felt inclined to see much more of me. Passing friendships.

I grew weary as hell of passing friendships. By the end of the fall season, I told Xelloss not to go out of his way finding me dates any more, and by the winter I told him to give up. There was no man on the planet that would have me. This was true. What I didn't know was that it was not _all_ my fault.

A little syndicate-related background is required before continuing. A very little, I PROMISE. After the musical, the syndicate was ripped apart and stripped of its _everything_. In a way. However, it had kind of a cult following, especially because of all its family interrelations. Gaav had long ago broken off from the main group and wasted away much of his inheritance and property, so although Val had a position and a vote on the _Un_-syndicate council-- as the others came to call it-- he hadn't much else to turn over into legitimate businesses. With some advice from Xelloss, he was out from under the syndicate shadow within two years after the musical. He still had the immense Ancient Clan wealth, so don't feel too sorry for him.

Zelgadiss had inherited the Great Red Priest's portion of the Cephied-Shabrinigdo inheritance pie, which he shared generously with his father. However, the bits of the syndicate via the Grauscherra Dynasty, which he had inherited from his mother, he wanted nothing to do with. He let Xelloss manage and un-bundle, and de-criminalize whichever businesses he thought best; Zel preferred to stay clean of any taint of the syndicate. Any gains he received were immediately donated to charity and friends, making him a much beloved and admired man in Seyruun. Aside from his flashy little sports car and the fact that he was one of few who actually paid for his entire college and medical school education, Zel lived modestly. (Oh yeah, all true but don't ask him to show you his earring collection. They still remain quite a fetish of his.)

Back to the syndicate...

Grauscherra wanted to do and had every intention of taking his family's portion of the inheritance and doing the same conversion of property as Xelloss was doing; that is, turning bad business into good, illegitimate to 'legit', and turning a profit at the same time. Since he hadn't a head for business or the time, he followed Xelloss' advice to the letter. After awhile, he gave Xelly all his voting rights in the un-syndicate, leaving him the time and freedom to pursue his beloved job as the principal of Seyruun High School. Yep, there he remained until his retirement thirty years after the musical.

Since Xelloss' dear old aunty, Merasea Dauphin (also known as: Dauphin de la Mer or Deep Sea Dolphin), was insane and locked away permanently in an insane asylum, he was appointed the sole custodian of her legacy. This meant that he acquired the highest level ranking in the un-syndicate.

Do you see a pattern? Xelloss was the syndicate now.

He controlled the wealth of hundreds of companies and thousands of souls. He could be an economic entity...a _country_...unto himself. He had done what his mother and his father had independently tried to do—and they failed to even remain alive! Yeah, Xelloss had it all.

Lucky for the world, Xelloss was a nice guy with a good heart. He carefully, so as not to flood the markets with loads of money, disentangled funds and dispersed them in astonishing ways. He wanted to make the world a better place. He was a bit quirky, too. (Imagine that!) I think he put up a sculpture in every building he converted from a place of crime to an upright business. The same sculpture. A golden-hued dragon patterned off that old vase figure of mine. Go figure.

Okay, so he was a saint.

Well, not really. We all knew that wasn't true.

He and I had our first big fight, of the current partnership, the day I figured out what was going on– with my dates, of course. It began, sorry to say, in the ladies restroom. He and I had attended a stuffy 'gathering' of artists, it doesn't matter where. It was a First of Summer gathering, I think, and I was not feeling well, probably from eating too much rich food, and I had hidden myself away in one of the bathroom stalls. I overheard two strangers talking in excited voices.

"...Miss Ul Copt...pssst, pssst..."

_Huh? Me? Someone is talking about me? How dare strangers gossip about me!_

"...She's so lovely; too bad no one can get close to her."

_Say, what? Two women are talking about me? Why's that? And why can't anyone get close to me?_

"Well, certainly not as long as HE has anything to say about it."

_He?__ He, who?_

"That's right. I mean, who can argue with him? If he says, 'keep your hands off her', what man's going to cross him? Even if he says nothing, who wants to cross the head of the syndicate?"

_Him?__ HIM, who? Not...Xelloss? But...who else could they mean?_

"No kidding… He doesn't give any of us a chance with him either. What I wouldn't do for a turn on the dance floor with him..."

"I could think of a place I'd rather have a turn with him!" the woman giggled.

_Oh...it had better not be Xelloss messing with my dates' minds…but of course that's who the bitches are talking about_… I thought long and hard, giving my initial anger time cool off, some. Xelloss was a very powerful and wealthy man. And purposeful. The poor chumps he picked out and terrorized into dating me and then 'getting the hell out of my life' weren't to blame. He was. Why would he do such a thing? I had heard enough.

I hunted Xelly down like the sneaky little bastard he was.

"Okay, okay! I admit it. I scared them off! Don't draw blood!" my darling trickster 'friend and protector' whined later back at our hotel, his room, where I was going to beat the truth out of him.

His warning came seconds too late. One of our latest acquisitions, a hefty five pound vase, just felt right in my grip-- you know how that is? I lost my temper. The vase broke over his head, cutting a gash above his left eye. Blood gushed out and dribbled down his cheek and dripped onto his white cuff. Head wounds bleed like crazy.

"Oh no!" I caught his lead weight as he fainted, and steered his back onto his bed, then let him fall. How could I have forgotten that he fainted at the sight of his own blood? Actually, I'd thought he'd gotten over that. Maybe he just wasn't expecting it... It didn't matter. Now I had that mess to clean up, too.

So he had a bundle of excuses...not all of them unreasonable, but still the meddling was unacceptable. Sure, a few guys had been interested only in my connections and another few infatuated with my looks, but one of them, just _one_ might have been a possibility had he not been intimidated by Xelloss' hovering. Our business was done after that, so we flew home to unpack the purchases, set up the shop, and stew over the situation.

Milgasia came into the city and stopped by the Mace and Vase. I used the timely opportunity to complain about Xelloss, "He promised me and then he messed it all up every time for me."

Milgasia found my plight to be amusing, although he tried to suppress it. "What did you expect? Filia, how good has he been at developing his own relationships? Now, tell me, did you have a good time? Did you learn a lot?"

"Oh, it was terrific! I've been places I only read about. Fascinating! We visited the Swiss ski resort of _Verbier_to_… _well …we went hiking… and bought pottery made from local clay in _Grunne_. It was non-stop wonderful. Xelloss knows everything. He's another person off-continent. I mean, I felt that way too. Here, I'm a college girl and one of the Slayers; over there... I was an art buyer, business woman...an adult."

"Then, it wasn't a bust at all. He gave you all that, and yet you're disappointed that he didn't locate a husband for you as well? You are very demanding, Miss Ul Copt."

He was right, of course. Put in that context. Rats…

"He bought me load of clothes, too." I hadn't occurred to me to set up a payment plan to reimburse him.

"You did thank Xelloss for his efforts, didn't you?"

"I broke a vase over his head...cut it here...Oh, I'm awfully selfish, I see that, but..."

"Where is he living now, by the way?"

"Downtown, Why?"

"Why not invite him out for a visit. He can stay at my place, if Val's isn't available. I'd like to talk to him."

I hoped he meant that he would straighten the guy out. "Okay, I'll do that. This weekend too soon?"

"Anytime that's convenient."

I don't know what they talked about exactly, but after that, Xelloss was more subdued around me. He gave me a wider berth. In fact, I hardly saw him. I was working the shop, doing a good job, I thought, and starting to create a few of my own pots in my studio.

I got a call from Lina asking me to pick up some groceries on the way home from work. She was too busy entertaining.

"So who's over?" I asked.

"Xelloss. I know you guys don't get along so well, so I'll kick him out before ya get here," Lina offered. I hadn't told her that sometimes he and I got along just fine.

"No, don't bother. I might wanna talk with him. I'm on my way home. Tell him to wait a few minutes, okay?"

"Got it. Later, Fil. And don't forget a couple dozen donuts, they got that special goin'. Bye."

So _that_ was where he was hanging out when I was minding the store. Back with Lina. It disturbed me that he did that. It was _always_ Lina, _had always been_ Lina first, probably _would_ always _be _Lina...first.

That's when I had to admit how much I had liked being first while we were traveling. Xelloss showered me with attention and respect too. I had been the center of his universe the moment his eyes caught mine, trapped and snared, then held and coddled. Coddled, yes... he coddled me and I had liked it, but had I told him so? Had I let him know how I felt, how I appreciated him? Once, maybe. He could tell, couldn't he? Maybe not. He was back to adoring Lina again, mostly... likely... which meant he didn't consider me to be enough... or nothing at all... Well, just what _was_ I to be to him? What _could_ I be?

And that, as they say, was the rub.

But then, what was Lina to him? Oh, I wasn't a very nice person. I couldn't have him, he wasn't clan, but I didn't want Lina to have him either. In fact, I didn't want anyone to have him, since I couldn't.

Rub-a-dub-dub, drown my sorrows in a tub. They say that, too. I'd take a long herbal bath later and do just that.

I was in such a poor mental state by the time I reached the house that I missed the music wafting out the window. I kicked opened the front door with my arms loaded down with grocery bags to find Lina in Xelly's arms, dancing. It made me...sick. I felt rage boiling up in me and then it went out of control.

"Get out! Get...OUT!" I yelled at him, and then pounded on his back. This necessitated my dropping everything onto the floor.

And then I started crying and then I collapsed into an ugly blonde heap and then somehow he wrapped me in his arms and then I don't remember anything much after that.

Except that we made up. I apologized for everything I had done and said to him and thanked him for all he had done for me.

"Ready to travel again?" he asked, apologies accepted and all forgiven and forgotten.

I nodded.

"Oh, Filly, what am I going to do about you, my demanding business partner?"

"_Everything_." I loaded that single word with as much meaning as possible without turning it into a bloated sentence.

"Okay," he smiled. He understood. Without me having to explain, he understood how hard a time I was having reconciling my feelings for him with my duty to my clan. He didn't have any answers for me, I knew. He had mixed feelings of his own to contend with. He wanted a lover in his life and neither Lina nor I fit the bill, and yet we filled his other needs...friendship, closeness, and we cared about him deeply. I, however, wanted _him_ now.

"In that case, let me take you out for dinner and a celebration," he smiled in a conciliatory manner.

"Okay…"

"And happy 21st birthday, Miss Filly."

"You remembered."

"Yes, I even remembered to call Zelgadiss and wish him well on his first day of medical school tomorrow," Xelloss winked at me.

I hadn't. I had lost all count of time and what the others were up to.

"Lina's graduating mid-term and starting her master's thesis…"

"I knew that!" I insisted.

"… and Val will graduate from the Art Institute this year. Just to keep you informed," he smiled as he opened the door for me to leave.

Gulp! That was news to me.

Life was a mess. An exciting, fun, but also complicated, convoluted mess.

This time the traveling was different. We knew something about what was selling giving us a better idea what kinds of art to concentrate on or avoid. I was savvier about packing and we moved quicker with fewer bags. By June I made the decision to make another change as well.

"Shall I look into the local clan possibilities for tomorrow's art show as well as tonight's dinner party? We need opposite-sex escorts." Xelloss asked me. This was the first time he'd broached the sensitive subject since we renewed our travels.

I knew how I was going to answer. I had practiced saying it over and over, but now that he was standing there, waiting.

"Don't bother, Xel-ly-bean," I stammered nervously. Me! Nervous! I redoubled my efforts to spit it all out. "We can go together. Just you and me. We do make a damned fine-looking couple." That sounded cool and collected.

"Okay," he agreed.

At that moment we dropped the facade. We cared for one another, we were attracted to one another, and we didn't need any others to interfere with our good times. His eyes searched mine for confirmation of what he hoped I had meant and that I was on the level. "Just for tonight?"

"I think I'm done with the matchmaking. I just want...what I want." That pleased him. And shocked him. His eyes widened and he stepped back.

"Filia...this is dangerous. You know what I want and I can't give you what you need. It could cost us our friendship." He was backed to the wall.

"I don't want to analyze this," I told him as I moved so close I could feel the heat radiating from him. I pinned him to the wall with a hand to his chest. "I want to enjoy it." I could feel his heart beat. It was racing. I understood Zel and Amelia's 'heart-shake'; it meant 'I want you.'

I swear he gulped. I was being aggressive and he was at a distinct disadvantage.

I jerked his shirttails out of his pants and he gasped, "Filia!"

"You've been in this long enough for one day," I told him and unbuttoned the shirt, beginning at the hemline. "Hmm...nice skin."

"Yesss," he hissed in a quick intake of air, his teeth bared.

I watched as his eyes closed; my fingers slid over his smooth, hairless chest, down a lean side, around to his muscled back, back around his side, and over his firm belly. He grinned and flinched, "Tickles..."

That gave me an idea. Pausing in my tactile stimulation of his belly, my hands were free to massage his shoulders a moment before I shoved the shirt off. Down his back, along his arms it slid, catching at the wrists where the cuffs remained clasped. His arms were behind his back. "You forgot the cufflinks," he smiled.

But his smile faded as mine grew, and I whispered slyly, "Did I?" Then I started tickling him in earnest.

I only had him trapped momentarily. He twisted away amid giggles and tore the shirt off. "Now, it is _my_ turn," he smiled.

"OH!" I couldn't believe how quickly he had moved! I couldn't hold on to him; he was slippery like a fish.

Now it was I who was wrapped in his strong grasp. Again, we studied one another's eyes.

"Filia, I know you know what you are doing, but..." his eyes opened wider, dark and mysterious in the low bedroom light. "Do you know what you are doing...to me?"

I had a damned good idea. His breathing was ragged, his eyes luminous, and his smile tense. He wanted me bad, and I knew it. I nodded.

He swallowed. "What will you have me do?" He was asking, but his fingers were slowly lowering the zipper at the back of my neck. "I can stop at any time."

"Can you?" My voice was weak as his face nuzzled my hair, finding my ear.

His warm breath teased along the outer edge of my ear and down my neck where my hair had parted and exposed it to his lips. "Yesssss, I can, no matter what."

"You mean," I paused, distracted when I felt him trailing wet kisses along my neck and shoulder as he began to peal my dress away. "If I ask, you'll stop...anytime?"

His face raised and our eyes met in the middle, then dove past my reserve. I knew he could see my innermost thoughts. "Of course, but..." His hands moved and my dress was affixed together again. "I don't believe we are going to make it to that party tonight, do you? No? Then we have no reason to rush anything. Right? Okay, then here's my idea." He leaned in and pressed our foreheads together. "You, go back to your room, take a shower, change into something casual, then come back. In fact, here's my room key in case I take longer to shower than you."

I wasn't sure that he wasn't just trying to get rid of me, so I asked, "What about dinner then?"

"I will take care of that too. Hey, don't look like that! Gods, Filia...I'm not pushing you away here, just...slowing us down...me down." His hands squeezed my shoulders and he smiled so kindly, I had to nod. "I'll make it fun, I promise, okay? You'll come back, right?"

"Half an hour," I clipped off and grabbed his keys out of his hand. "Be ready."

My heart was pounding. My gods! I had just propositioned my friend, Xelloss, XELLOSS! And...I had no regrets whatsoever. Xelloss knew how to have fun. I tossed the dress aside and rushed through a shower, lingering only to make sure my hair was well-rinsed and my legs smooth. What to wear...? I wished then that I had packed a sexy nightie, or _had_ one to pack. A cotton gown from the settlement wouldn't do...but the silk pajamas Xelloss gave me a year ago would. I put them on, covered them with my coat, and re-wrapped my damp hair in a dry towel and stood thinking. I jammed my keys and his keys and a toothbrush into the pockets and left, avoiding a parting glance into the mirror. I looked about as sexy as a well-worn slipper.

"Xelloss?"

"I'll be right out. Oh, there's a twenty on the desk in case room service comes."

"Room--?" I was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Oh...yeah."

A young man rolled in a cart of covered dishes and chilling bottle of wine. "Good evening," we greeted each other. I watched while he snapped a clean white tablecloth over the small table by the window, then set out the food, leaving the lids, and lit a candle. "Shall I open the wine?"

"Yeah, please." I said, then handed him the bill and he left.

Xelloss emerged drying his hair. "Oh, good. It's here already. I thought we should fortify ourselves first. Why don't you take off your coat and stay awhile?" he grinned.

He took my coat and hung it up after I removed my things from the pockets. I could see him looking over the items, especially the toothbrush, and I blushed. Me, blushing! He said nothing, but pointed to a chair. "Shall we eat?"

"Sure," I shook out my hair, which was mostly dry and took the seat he had pulled out for me.

He poured a small amount of wine and held up his glass in salute, "To us, two good friends about to become closer."

I know I blushed again. "Xelly!"

"Well, I hope so!" he chuckled and took a sip. "Oh, and before I forget everything I was planning to tell you before you started removing my clothes and distracting me, I sent Val a notice that we will be back for his graduation from the Art Institute next week. _Just_ to keep you informed," he smiled more, and then served me some of the salad

More blood rushed to my already scarlet face. I was burning up. For once, I really sympathized with poor Zel-bob with his out-of-control blushing response. "Thanks for remembering…"

We ate the simple meal of a salad with bread and baked brie. I sliced a pear and apple to share for dessert. Then we were done. He was resting his head in his hand and gazing unabashedly at me. I thought he looked adorable. "What, Xelly-bean?"

"I wouldn't have believed that you could be any more beautiful than before, but sitting there, your hair...just down, no make up, smiling... You are...a goddess, Filia."

His hushed tone and worshipful expression convinced me that he was sincere. He was the only man I knew who could pull off such corny things to say. From that instant on that night, he made it clear that I was at the center of his universe. He had a CD player and started some soft music and we danced– slow and romantic in our silk pajamas. He whispered sweet things and made me smile, warmed my heart, and healed my damaged ego.

I was falling in love for the first time and there was no stopping it.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked.

"Huh? Yeah, sure, it's just that you never asked before."

"No, I guess not," he managed to say before kissing me softly. "It's different now, though. I want you to be an equal participant all the way with this. Start to finish, stop-go, yes-no, give and take."

I didn't know what to say. I never imagined being with Xelloss this way, that he could be this way. He was completely open, vulnerable, real. He was real. I thought of something. "Kiss me again," I begged.

We stood by the window and kissed gently, nose-to-nose. It was odd kissing a man just barely taller than me. I had been used to the lofty giants of the clan. Xelloss was well-built, but slender, his face still youthful, pale, perfect...eyes closed with long, dark lashes. His silky, soft hair brushed my arms wrapped around his neck. I wanted to feel it tickle my bare skin sometime soon.

I felt his knees bend and one arm slide beneath my knees, as he scooped me up and carried me across the room. How strong he was!

We stretched out on his wide bed and found our way to each other's mouth and kissed deeply. "I could do this all night," he said in a low voice.

"Okay," I agreed.

"You mean that? You want this?"

"This is nice; you feel good," I assured him.

He rolled on one side and smiled down at me lying on my back. He fingered my hair. "Like gold. I always wanted to touch it, but I was afraid you'd think I was some kind of pervert."

That made me laugh, "Yeah, me the one that messes with and cuts your hair. You see blonde all the time, but yours...is a very rare color."

That made him grin. His matching eyes winked out.

"You...are a very handsome man, Xelly-bean." I poked the end of his nose to make his eyes open again.

"You didn't used to think so. And...you thought I was gay for the longest time."

"That was a _long_ time ago and you...were different then. You walked funny and wiggled and giggled and your face was...more pretty then. Yeah, I thought you were for sure, but Zel-bob kept defending you."

"Oh, _him_? The guy that _kissed_ me once?" Xelloss was teasing me about my misconceptions about him in the past. He wanted to get everything out into the open.

I pushed him hard enough to knock him on his back. "Poor Zel! After all he's done for you! And he's not even here to defend himself."

Xelloss pulled me down on top of him. I lay half across him, my breasts pressed high on his chest. "No, he's not," Xelloss growled in a husky voice. "Just you. I thought you were mean and a snob. You hated me."

"I was and I did, but for different reasons than you think. I felt superior because I was clan and we feel that way about ourselves. You didn't drool over me or show any interest, which made me mad. There was that Wolfpack Island thing we worked out, you remember, how I blamed you personally for being the inheritor of that island which resulted in my people being forced off it and losing our homes."

"It's yours again," he said.

"I know, thanks to you. But there was more to my feelings about you. You bugged me so much...teasing...irritating me in endless ways. But it was the fact that you weren't at all attracted to me that annoyed me most. So, I explained it away with the 'gay' thing."

"I was attracted to you...your looks, but I had my assignment to link up with Zel and Lina. I had to focus on that... And, I have to admit, Lina...well...I won't lie about how I desired her. Past-tense, note that. Plus... I'm more drawn to brunettes, medium-small ones. But..." he stretched his neck and kissed me noisily. "I've made a big exception...for you."

"Gee, thanks," I pretended to care, but laughed instead. "So, me being one in a long list of girls you've been with, who was your first to ah...do it with?"

"Girl?"

That took me by surprise. "Naturally, Xelly, what else? You don't date guys; I thought we just determined that was a dead issue. How old were you when you...did it the first time."

His smile faded. "Maybe this conversation should wait a bit."

"Why? I've known you for years. I know bunches of worse stuff about you than that. Besides, you know my history short as it is; I want to know yours."

"Eleven."

"What? You were just a little boy! How could you...do that so young?" I was stunned.

"I didn't. He did." Xelloss looked away his eyes filling with tears.

"Oh...you mean a man...Dubois..." I sighed as the last parts of the puzzle making up his life were brought together.

He nodded and wiped at a stray tear.

"You can cry if want, Xelly-bean. Tell me what you can."

He shook his head. I didn't think that he would tell me much more tonight, but he did. "It started just before I turned twelve and continued for some time. He...h-he raped me, told me I was good, s-special, his..." His voice thickened making it hard for him to speak, so I held him tightly and waited. "It continued after he married my mother and up until...that video..."

So Zelgadiss knew. He had watched the video of Xelloss' torture by his stepfather while both boys had been hospitalized. "But you guys got the video back and that...awful man is dead now. Oh, Xelly, and I kept calling you gay...after that man...how horrible. I'm so sorry. No wonder it made you so mad."

But Xelloss shook his head. "Dubois wasn't a homosexual. He was a pedophile. He'd done that with girls too before me. Nuriko actually helped me understand...alternative sexual tastes. He had come on to me when I first joined the dojo, but backed off when he found I really messed up and just needed a friend to talk to. To be honest, back then I was pretty confused and still drugged out of my mind much of the time. We got to know each other well after that, and he helped me sort out my preferences. He was a good friend for me at the time, even if the results disappointed him. I really liked girls, Filia. Still do. One in particular."

That earned him a kiss.

I was still full of questions and he was letting me in on his secrets. "Umm...but I don't get how a man can...rape a guy. I mean...not the sicko mental part but the actual...how...where?"

"Oh, man, Filia..." he groaned and covered his face with his hands. "I'm not getting into that..." But he thought of something and tried. "Okay...the term you'd be familiar with is sodomy. Does that tell you enough?"

Yes. That did it for me. "Oh..." I blushed at my stupidity. "Um, so Zel knows --anyone else?"

"Zelgadiss and Val, that's all, and can we _please_ change the subject now?"

Zel and Val, but not Lina. Inwardly, I smiled. "Who was the first girl then, which was what I really wanted to know?"

He groaned and covered his face with a pillow. "Gods, Filia...what difference does it make?"

"I am a nosey person." I noticed that with his arms up, his bellybutton was exposed. I wondered what he'd do if I kissed him there. As I dropped closer, I could see a fine line of dark hair, black against his white skin, disappear into his silk pants.

"Filly?" came his muffled voice. "You're being very quiet... AH!"

That was where I ran my tongue, ending with a kiss to his bellybutton.

"You are a seductressssssss..." he went limp when I stopped.

"You liked that? I thought I was making you tell me stuff."

"Torture me more with your lips," he begged, grinning.

We hugged and rolled back and forth and laughed. We were happy and the air felt taut, tightening with the anticipation between us..

"Why don't we brush our teeth now, just in case we fall asleep, okay?" he asked.

I nodded and sat up. I was new at all this. "Me first?"

He smiled and nodded. "I'll wait."

We took turns, and then when he returned to the bed, he pulled back the covers and paused expectantly.

I wasn't sure what he meant, so I just lay there.

"Do you want to go back to your room? You can if you want, Filia. Or...move over."

"Ah, no...I wasn't sure what to do, that's all."

He moved in beside me and pulled the covers over us both. "Ummm, nice."

His arms encircled me and we adjusted to one another's curves. "Let's just say good night and sleep like this, okay?" he asked.

That surprised me. Actually, it sounded wonderful, but not what I had come to expect from him. "Ah...sure..."

He turned my face to look at him. "Filia, is sex all you want from me?"

I swallowed. That was direct. "No."

"Good, because it's not going to happen tonight. Not until you...we... are ready. Really ready. I want to show you how I've come to feel about you, but first we need to get used to being this close. Just touching you is...too much for me."

I wanted to know what he meant by that, "Too much?"

He smiled, "You were every boy's dream girl in high school, and every man's now. I'm just a bit overwhelmed by you."

Wow...what a romantic. "Every boy but you." I reminded him. I wanted to hear more. I loved the sound of his voice. I didn't want this closeness to end.

"Ever notice the girls I go out with, including the woman I married? What they had in common?"

"Yeah, as you said before, mostly short and dark; at least, shorter and darker than me. You're not drawn to leggy blondes like... Oh!" _I got it!_ "Like your mother..." I gasped.

"For the longest time, it was a problem for me," Xelloss said seriously, and then he waggled his eyebrows, ran a hand lightly over my covered breasts and licked his lips lustfully, "But not any longer!"

"Xelly-bean!" I objected weakly.

But I couldn't resist his charm and tender kisses. He wanted me; I knew it, even though he was willing to wait. He fondled me gently and wrapped me in strength. "Now that I've taken all the fight out of you, it's time to pounce," he whispered with a giggle at the end. "No, actually, I'm ready to sleep. So don't move. Just let me listen to you breathe. Unless...?"

I could have asked for more, but found that I was so warm and comfortable and...tired, mentally and physically tired from the hard day and emotional turmoil we had gone through, that I just closed my eyes and smiled, "Umm, 'kay."

He curled around my back with an arm draped over me. I was at peace. I knew I'd met the real Xelloss at last and reveled in the feeling as he held me until I fell asleep.

I didn't sleep especially well, waking up numerous times only to feel a strange limb heavy across a leg or an arm wrapped possessively about my waist. I'd never shared a bed with a guy, not my little brother and rarely with one of the Slayers on a trip. But...it was not a bad thing; it was really reassuring to have him there, it simply was something that would take getting used to. When I woke up the last time, it was to the sound of his voice muted at a distance. He was standing in front of the window, wearing his kimono open loosely over his pajama bottoms, speaking into his cell phone with a smile. It had to be a friend.

"When? Last night? That was fast then. How they doing? No, the baby and Sylphiel– I don't care about Gourry's stunned state!" Xelloss giggled excitedly.

I joined him by the window, snaking my arms around his waist from the back.

"Ummmm," he hummed contentedly. "Me? Nothing, Lina. So, have they named her yet?" I stroked his side with one hand and then pulled off his kimono to kiss his shoulder.

He put his hand over the mouth piece and turned to me to repeat what was said, "Sayo Ruth Gabriev, after Sylphiel's natural mother and Gourry's grandmother who just died."

I felt emboldened by his reactions and so just as he uncovered the phone to speak again, ran my hand over his hip and along his thigh, then back up to circle his belly. Ohhhh..." he moaned.

I could hear Lina screaming from the tiny phone. "Oh, yuck, Xelloss! You're there with some girl, arent'cha? I'm gonna be sick. Next time, Zel calls you! I'll call Filia."

"Don't bother, she's right here!" he said lightly, and then blanched. What had he just done? Would Lina know we'd spent the night together?

I grabbed the phone out of his hand, "Lina! Hi! Xelloss wrenched his back lifting a humongous vase and I was massaging it a bit this mornnn...afternoon, almost. So, Sylphie had her baby, I take it?"

We both drew deep breaths and relaxed; Lina bought it. She hadn't thought for a minute that anything was going on between Xelloss and me. As I continued to talk on the phone, however, I noticed Xelloss was no longer as cheerful as he had looked in the light of the window.

When I was done talking, I set the phone down and walked over to his side.

He sighed, and then said, "We have to talk about this, Filia." He turned his face in my direction and smiled, barely. "Nothing has happened between us that has to be kept a secret, yet. So if I embarrass you or you don't want our friends to know about us, then...you should go back to your room now and go back to our business arrangement."

"Oh, Xelly...it's not that way it's...well, it's just..."

"Don't bother finishing either of those thoughts. Just go."

But I didn't. I didn't want to give him up, but I could tell that I had hurt his feelings. And then I realized how much his feelings mattered to me; more than my own. I picked up the cell phone and punched in a number, then waited. "Lina? Yeah, me again. Say, tell me something, you ever think about sleeping with Xelloss? Stop screaming! Why? Because I have and I think I'm going to try him out as a boyfriend. Yeah, I know...mess up the band...he's not clan...Yeah, got it. Okay, well, thanks. Gotta go now. What am I gonna do, you ask? I think I'm going to start by ripping off his clothes...Oh!" I caught Xelloss' wide-eyed stare. "She hung up on me!"

"Huh...?" He was speechless, a rare thing.

"Now, ready to talk about it? Let's just say I did that the first time and go from that point. Yeah, I'll admit I want to try us out a bit before sharing us with the others. You okay with that?"

"Okay..."

"But..."

"But...?"

"I don't know what to do about the clan thing. Right now, I can just push it aside. Maybe I'll never get married."

"Filia," he pressed a finger to my eyebrow and traced its shape. "Okay, for now...we'll do it your way, but sometime it will matter." He smiled again and cupped my cheek, rubbing his calloused thumb across my lips. "When you change your mind, let me know first, okay?"

I nodded. His honesty knocked the air out of any smart comment I might have said, again. "Okay, but...I don't see that coming."

"Lovers never do, Filia my dear," he said as he held me tightly to his chest.

**End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Five.**


	6. In Over My Head

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 Year Reunion Story –-2004-07-07

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Six: In Over My Head**

"What a recreation it is to be in love! It sets the heart aching so delicately, there's no taking a wink of sleep for the pleasure of the pain."—George Coleman, the younger

_Note: We would like to thank Airi-chan for the information and inspiration behind the trip to __Poland__. The Polish alphabet uses many characters that are not 'up-loadable', so the spellings are close but not exact, so please to forgive. We would like to point out that this is a purely fictional story based on fictional (mostly) characters. The '__Poland__' referred to in this story is loosely based upon today's real country and is only intended to amuse you not provide a political diatribe for any actual cause... 'cept maybe 'Save the Slayers!' Thank you, patient readers._

**Note: The romance may stray over the line a bit, therefore...lime warning.**

* * *

We got dressed and went out for breakfast. The mood for ripping his clothes off had passed for me, for the time being. After all, I was about to be courted by Xelloss, a master, and it took my breath away. To be pampered and adored. Plenty of time for everything. 

After that first night, we kept just the single room. We took turns in the shower and slept together every night--clothed. I was learning to tolerate that kind of intimacy with another person, with him in particular, and I liked it. I, in fact, was soon craving more.

One evening we were talking quietly in each others' arms. I was definitely growing fond of his presence, his close proximity, his touching. He was running a finger through my hair and our legs were intertwined. "Filia, what are we going to do when we go back home in a couple days?"

"I thought we'd speak to Amelia about advertising. The firm her father uses for his campaign..."

"No, no, no... not business. I meant, where are we going to_ live_? After this, I don't think I can face going back to my place alone night after night." He kissed my nose and opened his eyes in a soulful expression.

"Oh...I don't know. We'll think of some way to get together, like some weekdays. Weekends I'm at the settlement," I said rather flippantly. I didn't want to think too deeply.

"That's...not an answer. Filly, look at me. Now, I've been through this kind of thing before– avoiding the issues."

"Sounds like Zel-bob."

"Zelgadiss still does some of that, but he's finally growing up and coming around. I've put my shrink's kid through college with all my hours of therapy, so they weren't easy lessons for me to learn, but learn them I did. First of all, my relationships failed because when things didn't go well, I'd get disappointed, we both would, and we didn't have the communication skills to figure out what the problems really were, especially sensitive or negative feelings. Yeah, I like to talk and seem pretty open now, but important things...I'm tempted to take the easy route and keep them hidden. I know I've been slow to grow up, and you...you've just recently moved from your home part time, so you have some growing up to do too...like loosening those family ties. But we have to face the truth. Do you want to move in with me, or not? Shall we try living together and see if we have more than just infatuation going for us?"

_Move in! _"Do we have to move that fast? Can't we just live separately and date for awhile?"

Xelloss knew I wasn't ready for more. I could tell he felt let down. "Of course, Filly. We can do that if you like, but I'm sure going to miss holding you every night."

"Then lets make this one a bit more memorable," I smiled and started kissing him hard.

Things were getting hot and heavy. I could tell he was excited and needy. So was I. We touched under our nightclothes, and then worked them off. I'd seen him naked in photos before, so I was prepared for that. Although, it was really different in the flesh; I could touch him as well, and that was really strange. He made the neatest sounds when I did, so I could tell he liked being caressed. No matter what I did, he loved it. I also liked the way he looked at me.

"Your breasts are...really nice...large..."

"Amelia's are bigger."

"I wouldn't know about that," he looked down at mine and kissed first one then the other. "You're so soft."

"You're skinny and hard."

"Zelgadiss is thinner."

"I wouldn't know about_ that_," I smirked and slapped his groping hands away as they crept between my legs.

His teasing fingers returned and I became rigid with tension. I was uncomfortable with him touching me here. Patiently he tried to get my hand to touch myself. He talked me through it awhile, and then moved off. "Repressed. Those clan shrine leaders sure did a number on you."

The hurt in my eyes silenced the rest of what he was about to say. "I'm sorry, baby. It's okay. It's just how you are now. I'm sorry you had your natural reactions _subjugated_ for so long."

All I had really paid attention to was the 'baby' part. I never heard him call anyone a pet name like that when he was being serious, although in private maybe he had. Regardless, it made me feel special. I tuned back into what he was saying to catch his questioning look, "I don't suppose you want to touch me?"

Actually, I was very curious about his private parts. "I've never touched a guy...that way. Val and I never did anything, but I guess he told you about all that."

"Nooo, he never kissed and told about you. I think you were his first true love and he held you above the others in that and in all respects."

Good Val. "That's nice to know. He was discouraged when I made it clear that he wasn't going to get any of the action out of me that he had hoped for and we broke up. There were other reasons, too."

"Uh, huh... so about _me_," Xelloss smiled and chuckled as I blushed.

I remember being amazed at the softness of his skin and the reactions that the barest caress could bring from him. This guy really liked sex.

I was enjoying the pleasure I could give him with such simple strokes, when he suddenly gasped, pulled my hand off him, and rolled to the side.

"Oh...my..." he sighed. "That hasn't happened to me since I was...a teenager. I used to have more control than that." He looked into my eyes and said simply, "It's you..." I was blushing out of embarrassment for him, which was funny since he wasn't bothered at all- more amused, bordering on impressed. "...aaaand it's been quite a while," he giggled, and then balled up some sheet to clean off. "Come on, we can share the shower. I've always wanted to wash your hair. Can I? Please?" he begged boyishly.

His candidness and humor won me over again. Sex was sloppy – so what, it was fun, wasn't it? That was his attitude. No worries.

"My hair? Sure, we'll do each other's okay?"

"Hmmm, that's an honor, you understand," he smiled. "No one gets to touch mine but you...and Zelgadiss."

"Zel? Eeww, that sounds bad."

"Well, just the one time; didn't he ever tell you about that? That time he stayed over to 'baby-sit' me and we were barely friends yet?"

I shook my head as he pulled me into the bathroom.

"No? Okay, well... Our parents were gone to a conference together and he and I took care of one another." He adjusted the water temperature and stepped into the shower.

"Oh, yeah. A long time ago. You banged up your head doing something and he had to take you to the hospital." I poured out a palm-full of shampoo and began to massage it into his scalp.

"Almost. We were playing tag or hide and seek in the park and I tackled him and knocked him over the side of a grade. Me too, only I took it on the head and passed out. When I woke up he helped me home and mopped up. Man, I'm glad I didn't see that blood then and faint on him. He was freaked out enough as it was. Well, not too freaked, 'cause he found my doctor's number and called him and he was the one who kindly came by and drove us both to the hospital."

"So, Zel washed the blood out of it...then? Stand under the water more so I can rinse you out."

"When we got home the next day before the band came over."

"Oh, yeah...I remember all that now. Ummm, your hair's so thick and...you do have a forehead!"

"What is it with girls and my bangs? You all want to push them away."

"Well, speaking for me, I don't know about all those 'girls', I like to see what you're hiding under there. Your eyebrows, for one. They are very expressive."

He made a face at that. "Maybe I want to hide my feelings sometimes."

"Not from me. Okay, my turn," I said as I ducked my head under the stream of water.

He took forever washing my hair...and my body. Mostly he liked rubbing me with soap, pressing up close, and then slipping and sliding together. Everything was new and playful. Xelloss was always about fun, as Lina said. She just had _no_ idea how _much_ fun.

We were toweling off when Xelloss determined, "I'm hungry; you too? We've missed breakfast and lunch."

Xelloss was like that. My little boy, my eager lover, my smooth, sophisticated man– all bundled together beneath a goofy...no...now more of a _carefree_ exterior.

We spent the next few years in a tight, rapturous embrace. Most of the time.

Getting back to Seyruun and the band called for some adjustments-- some good, some bad. One of the nice things that happened was Val's graduation form the Art Institute. He really did it. We were all so very proud of him and Lina organized a fun party.

Then, at the very end of June, Gourry and Sylphiel invited us all to the White Shrine for a 'welcoming' ceremony to introduce their newborn girl to the world and the shrine. Best of all, Gourry asked Xelloss to preside over the ceremony. Considering that Nels Lahda was the baby's grandfather and head of the shrine, it was a sign of respect and friendship between the two men who had once been fierce competitors for Lina's heart.

"I imagine," Zel told me. "Nels Lahda is happy not to have to do a thing for a change. Just sit back and let someone else do the work while he enjoys his growing family."

I agreed without taking my eyes off Xelloss. He was so...I'll say handsome but really more beautiful that day, standing in his dark robes with a few rays of light reflecting off his shining hair. His cheeks were pink, so I know he must have been overheated. He had nerves of steel as a priest; it wasn't a case of the jitters. I watched as Gourry handed over his precious child and Xelloss cradled her a moment. His smile was dazzling. How he loved kids! Would he ever have any of his own? Would I? Not his.

I think a tear escaped ...or a few trickled down my cheek, because Amelia handed me a handkerchief saying, "It's such a lovely thing. I'm glad I'm not the only one to cry at things like this. Kiki does too."

Yes, Kiki was along too. She often was. She frequently accompanied Xelloss and me places; always, if our travels would take us to France. At first, I have to admit, I was jealous. I mean, she was more his type, petite and dark, and there weren't any obvious deterrents. But I learned that there were. Simply put: they were not in love romantically. He was responsible for her welfare after her parents were murdered by syndicate hit men following their failure to marry; that is, Xelloss felt that way. Her aunt and uncle still ran Polly's Pies and Pastries in town. She had them. Amelia's father gave her a home and a home life, but Xelloss took her to see her homeland in France, her property and friends there. He also set her up in a business. Recording music videos. I got over my pettiness and grew to love the younger girl like a sister.

I wiped my eyes and smiled gratefully back at Amelia. "Thanks." It wasn't long before my eyes were once again glued to Xelloss and listening to his nice voice.

Okay, so I was enamored of the guy. I never had felt so happy and silly at the same time. And at times so sad. How could I ask him to give this up and train to enter the Cepheid Believers? I couldn't. But, if he didn't then we couldn't marry and we'd never be a family with children—his dream as he had explained it to the band many times. Gods, what a mess.

Before the ceremony, Zel had sat me down for one of his certain to become more frequent 'talks' concerning his brother. "The White Shrine saved his soul at one time, Filia. It gave him a way to defy his mother at first, but then it filled in some of those empty places in him, fulfilling him in ways he needed. He still needs the grounding his priest duties require of and provide for him."

"I think I know why you are telling me all this, Zel-bob. I have no right to ask him to give it all up, and I don't intend to. I'll never marry, that's all."

Zel shook his head. "It's not so simple with him. Filia, it is a part of his ADHD condition—the way he is...has always been. It used to bug the hell out of me until I learned. He can't help it really. Once he gets a thing in his head he often goes...overboard. He tries, but his still can't see obstacles and consequences clearly enough or soon enough to make good judgment calls. Or he knows better but can't fight the impulse. If he gets it into his head that he wants you to accept him or your family or that he wants to give you the future he thinks you want, and then he'll leave the shrine and train to join the clan."

His words came back to me as we sat and watched the baby's ceremony. Xelloss loved children. He believed in marriage. He must have wanted more for us than...living together...someday. He needed the shrine, too. As happy as I was with Xelloss, I was not at peace. I should have taken Zel's words to heart and spoken openly to Xelloss about the issues it brought up. But instead, I avoided that conflict adroitly. Should have, would have, could have...live and learn... That I did. The hard way.

We were totally in love and yet restrained around the band. Gourry and Sylphiel had set a good example that way. Clearly they cared for one another, but they weren't all over one another, pawing and kissing. Professionals we were.

Oh, yeah, Xelloss did sing a song for me, which became part of the Slayers repertoire, called 'It's You." That first time we sang it for an audience was an especially memorable event for me. It began when he hopped down from his drum set and handed off his sticks to Joey.

Joey was like a thinner, younger Gourry now– maybe more different than similar to his brother on closer examination. His hair was lighter, almost white, and was shoulder length and parted in the center. He was in high school and starting on the basketball team. He was also a good student, not the workingman that his brother turned out to be.

Val started the intro on the keyboards, and then Xelloss took a microphone and whispered in the sexiest voice ever, "It's you..."

Zel and Gourry came in with their accompanying instrumentals to the upbeat love song (by David Cassidy), as Xelloss continued:

"It's you..."

Hundreds of girls in the audience screamed so loud it hurt. I pushed my hands over my ears, but it didn't help.

"Hello baby, yes it's me again and I'm

Looking for the rainbow's end

That's hidden in your mind..."

All the while he moved over to where I was standing with the other backup singers. Nothing like this had been rehearsed so I had no idea what he was up to.

"I'll tell you baby..."

He reached out and took my hand in his, then pulled me gently closer so we were standing nose to nose. The lights were on us. I felt a warm rush of excitement heighten all my senses.

"I think I can bring you through

The answer lies within those lonely

Eyes of opal blue..."

He kissed me lightly, gave me a quick hug, and released all but my hand. His voice was joined by the rest of us for the chorus, which he sang bouncing with excitement and swinging my arm.

"It's you!

It's you!

I'll never find another lover like you..."

The girls in the audiance screamed so loudly I could see Zelgadiss pause to adjust his earplugs for safety sake.

"...It's you!

I would die if you should leave me

Baby, baby, please believe me!"

The music dropped down and once again, he drew nearer and looked into my eyes.

"And don't you cry..."

My heart was pounding so hard I no longer heard anything, well, escept his sweet words.

"...I'm here to dry your tears

And, in a while

I'll make you smile again and seeeeeeee

It's me-eeee..."

He kissed my hand and let it go in order to address the screaming, crying girls and finish the song. My heart was pounding so hard I couldn't hear right; I was breathless and couldn't sing.

"Hello baby...

Yes it's me again once more..."

I think I entered a mystical realm because I know I wasn't dreaming, but it was so unreal!

"...And before the sun goes down tonight

I have to hear you say..."

He danced joyously ,and sang to the end:

"It's you!

...I'll never find another lover like you

...It's you!"

The music faded into screams as we all repeated the 'It's you!' part. But everyone knew that 'it' was me. Just me and him. I wondered if Lina had ever felt as electrified when he sang to her and her alone up there on the stage? I'd ask her, because even though he had dropped the intimate 'Sexy, Sexy' dance piece, he still sang those ballads and sometimes I caught him looking her way. Sometimes. But tonight, it had been me and only me. I thought it was the most thrilling feeling there could be. I decided that I wanted a future with him, without marriage, if need be. But, would he be satisfied with just me?

I wasn't the only one with mixed feelings about our future together, as I learned later.

It was summertime and he was about to leave me for parts unknown, business he said. I begged and begged for him to take me along and he gave in eventually. I hoped to discover some interesting art glass or ceramics on my own. I didn't suspect it at the time, but I was going to learn a lot on that trip.

"Poland, Xelly?" I asked as I peered over his shoulder and out the small, clouded window of the airline.

"That's right. Warsaw is moments away. Oooh, see all the little lakes? Why were you asking?"

"Just that. Why? That's what I was wondering, why?"

"I told you. Grauscherra couldn't make it."

"And..?"

"And the syndicate branch centered in _Starachowice_ hasn't with our demands. The personal touch is required."

"Yours, you mean. Oh, Xelly, when will you ever be free of it?"

He looked over at me with his glittering purple eyes and said gently, "Never. It's my **job** to see that the syndicate never comes into power again."

I knew that, of course. I wasn't really asking a question. "Can I help?"

"No. You will stay in Warsaw. I'll be about 200 kilometers south. Don't worry; I'll stay in contact with you."

Maybe I should have been worried about what might happen to him, but I was too selfish, and too ignorant of what it was that he did. "Oh, all right. I'll find some way to keep busy while I'm missing you."

"I got you a guide. A lovely young lady, Airi, will meet us at the hotel tonight. We'll discuss our plans over dinner. Sound okay with you? She's Volphied clan. They are very prominent there, and strict. They will expect you, a Cephied priestess to be very proper, so I arranged separate rooms for us. Don't worry. They'll love you. It's _me_ they can't tolerate!" he smiled at the face I made.

"They'll let you go in and do their dirty work for them, though," I grumbled.

"Ah, yes...well...that's true."

It was summer in Seyruun when we left, but when we landed at Warsaw's _Okecie_ International airport, it felt like winter.

"It's barely 50 degrees out. What happened to summer?" I asked a well-fed-looking man at the baggage claim area.

Xelloss translated for me. "He doesn't know. He claims the weather went from spring and back. No summer this year, it seems. Come on, we'll take a cab to the hotel."

But when the driver stopped, Xelloss and I gasped in astonishment, "Are you sure this is the place?" he asked the man.

"You said 'go to the _Sobieski_', so I take you to the _Sobieski_," answered the cabbie. "I will get your bags."

All I understood was that there hadn't been a mistake. The building was a standout; proud in its dazzling assortment of party-colored paint, like Lina or Val in a clan chapel. Wide patches of pastel pink, violet, greens, oranges, and yellows accented its otherwise grand exterior. At its pinnacle sat a turquoise blue, glassed-in dome sporting the flag of Poland like a feather atop a hat.

"My gods..." Xelloss murmured. "It looked ... less colorful on the website."

"I hope it's better on the inside," I said.

It was. There were over 200 rooms and only one royal suite—ours, and all of it was lovely in cherry wood and marble. We bathed in a giant marble tub, dressed, then made our way downstairs to the magnificently adorned_ Marysienka _Restaurant. I really warmed to its cozy atmosphere and professional service immediately, and soon the wild, circus-of-fun misconceptions we had about the hotel on our arrival were forgotten.

"Hello!" Xelloss waved to our guide, and then completed his greeting with a flourish of Polish.

The young woman smiled shyly and joined us at a private table. Airi was petite with dark hair, I noticed. Definitely Xelloss' type. She responded in the language of Seyruun, for my benefit and for which I was grateful.

"We should start with drinks," she fingered a waiter to order.

"I wouldn't mind trying the plum specialty," Xelly smiled.

"_Sliwowica_? Too sweet. After dinner. Now you should start with the _Zubrowka_."

"Zubr...bison...The Bison brand?" Xelloss asked.

"Yes, it is an original, authentic, native vodka of Poland."

"...Each bottle of _Zubrowka_ contains a blade of bison grass. This vodka is 40 alcohol, is greenish yellow and has a touch of sugar. The aroma is delicate, and the taste is …" Xelloss read from the drinks list. "Oooh, listen to this: '…it smells of freshly mown hay and spring flowers, of thyme and lavender, and it's soft on the palate and so comfortable, it's like listening to music by moonlight.' Sounds good, doesn't it Filia?"

"You do know about Bison grass, don't you?" I eyed him seriously.

"Well, no..."

"The source of _Zubrowka's_, I'm sure,** wealth **of qualities is a plant of unassuming appearance called holy grass by our clan. Bison grass contains coumarin, Xelly-bean."

Airi smiled at my use of his nickname. "You are right, Miss Filia. Coumarin is a glycoside with a distinctive fragrance, once generally used to flavor tobacco, cakes and beverages. These days, because coumarin has been found to have anticoagulant properties, it is allowed only in tiny amounts which the Polish health authorities deem harmless. It says here on the bottle... '_Zubrowka_ contains only about a dozen milligrams of coumarin per liter'."

Xelloss laughed, "That's okay, then. Besides, think about it: do you really want your blood to clot?"

"To the restricted clotting of our blood!" I cheered, glass in hand.

"May it always flow strong and dark," Airi put in.

"And remain inside us," Xelloss murmured.

And with that, we all swallowed our drinks. I came up gasping at its harshness; I had never had hard liquor before.

Xelloss was perusing the menu when he asked, "What do you suggest?"

"For an appetizer, the _golabki_."

"Little doves...pigeons?" Xelloss translated.

Our guide shook her head, "Not real ones. Cabbage rolls. Filled with chopped up meat, vegetables and rice. Very good."

"I'll have one, without the meat in the filling," I said.

Airi raised an eyebrow, but made no comment.

"Ah..." Xelloss smiled. "Perhaps a soup..." His finger traced down the column and stopped midway. He frowned.

"What is that you've found?" our guide asked, perhaps knowingly as she looked over at his selection.

I was hoping for vegetarian. Mushroom soup would do. With all the Volphied influence here, I knew there had to be meatless dishes.

"Oh!" Airi laughed as she read off the menu. "_Flaki_!"

"Guts," Xelloss spat with disgust. I turned green.

"Tripe soup is a Polish specialty, a very special treat, full of tender strips of beef tripe and vegetables, seasoned generously with salt and pepper, marjoram, ginger, nutmeg and paprika," Airi read from the menu.

"We'll pass," I told her firmly.

"How about the one below that?" Xelloss asked quickly.

"_Czernina_..." Airi drawled out in a mysterious voice.

From behind his hand, Xelloss whispered to me, "It means blackness, don't ask why."

But it was too late. Airi leaped to the challenge with unbridled enthusiasm, "Black, yes! Black with...boiled duck's blood."

"Oh, my..." Xelloss' face turned ashen.

"Ha, no! The color comes from the dried plums and usually the giblets from a goose or duck are used. Just a little blood... mixed with vinegar to keep it from coagulating." Airi was enjoying this a little too much. No wonder Xelloss chose her as our guide here. Not only had she a sense of humor, but she was a vampire, I knew it. Xelloss always had a weird taste in women.

"I'll just have a salad—no meat. And a baked potato. Is that possible?" I asked. I'm sure my voice was a bit shrill.

Airi's eyes were twinkling. "You want the Volphied menu, here. It's what I'll be ordering off of." She passed me a different menu, which Xelloss scanned interestedly. "We love to eat and eat well, so order many things," she added.

"I think she'd like the _Barszcz__. Y_ou like beet soup and sour cream, right Filly? And _kluski__ z kapusta,_ Polish noodles and cabbage. Okay?"

I nodded. Sounded like clan fare in winter.

"Very good choices. But Mr. Xelloss, since you eat meat, you should try the_ bigos_. They fill them well here. The more things you put into a _bigos_, the better it is, they say."

He acquiesced and let her order a few more interesting dishes. And I must say, it was marvelously tasty, filling food. So good, that we both slept soundly that night and long into the next day. Or maybe it was that second glass of plum brandy, 80 proof...

The next day Xelly was picked up by a black limousine and whisked away on his un-syndicate business. Sadly, he missed driving with us along potholed roads reminiscent of a war zone and streets that were like one of those roller coaster rides at the fair grounds. One of these took us to the interesting, but unfortunately named 'King's bathrooms' park. Airi assured me that in the past, there really were king's bathrooms there. That may be, but was that something to proudly advertise, I asked?

Anyway, it was too cold and rainy so we left there pretty fast to return another day. I had to admit that Airi, for all her quirks, was a great guide and charming person. She told me that she had met Xelloss via the internet through a mutual ex-hacker friend, Lain. I remembered Lain from the Cyberia (as in 'cyber') club. Of course, I was out with Allen Schezar that night and Val saved me from him and my mom gave birth to my little brother then...so long ago. Yeah, as Lain once put it, "we are all connected," or was that 'wired?'

We ended eating our lunch at the Palace of Culture & Science. It was a huge concrete neo-gothic block of cement adjacent to the Warsaw Central Station.

Airi explained that the native _Varsovians_ shared a sort of a love-hate relationship with the place. It was kind of a 'gift' from the Darkstar organization—a mostly unwanted one which made it subject to numerous jokes among the local inhabitants, Volphied clan people mostly, who opposed the syndicate in all its variations.

"Over 550 ornamental sculptures decorate the building," my guide explained. "Combined with the building's monumental-ism, this inspired the people to label the Palace 'an elephant in lacy underwear'."

We both smiled and linked arms companionably as we viewed more displays. I could tell she deeply loved the place and its history.

"Oh, shortly after completion it became quite famous as a popular place for suicides. The first suicide was a French man who deemed it a more honorable place to die than the Eiffel Tower."

Again we both laughed and continued to enjoy the vast exhibits inside what was the second-tallest clock tower in the world, after the _DoCoMo__ Yoyogi _building in Tokyo (I was there once!-Filia) . There was nothing like it in Seyruun that was for sure. Unfortunately, none of the vases were for sale, but I picked out dozens of postcards and art books to take home. I was bursting with ideas to start my own creations someday as well!

* * *

Note: the parts of the song 'It's You' were by David Cassidy.

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Six.


	7. No Going Back

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-7/09/2004

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Seven: No Going Back**

"Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding." – Diane Arbus

Note: Please, patient readers, we understand that Filia can be a tedious person and story teller and sympathize with those of you who wish the focus to move off her and onto the others. This is a different format for a Seyruun High Jinx story. Since so many have written and asked, we can say that Filia will continue telling her story for a few more chapters, three updates, then Zelgadiss will have his turn- starting at the beginning- then Lina, before the entire story unfolds. So, if you can hold out a little longer, we hope we can reward your stamina and endurance with something interesting and entertaining. Thank you.

* * *

Xelloss returned the next day and in one undamaged piece. He must have been successful convincing the local syndicate to do things his way, because he seemed in good spirits. Tired, though. We just lazed around and ate food.

On the third day he wanted to do some sightseeing, so Airi took us to the Floating Palace in _Wilanowie_. Now that was a really spectacular place.

"The palace is remarkable for its original architecture – a blend of the European art with the Old-Polish building tradition – and iconographical program of façade and interior wall paintings and carvings," Airi read from her guide book. "The oldest style being the Baroque royal chambers, located in the central part of the building, the Southern wing and the adjacent pavilion."

"Makes me think of Versailles," Xelloss smiled. I knew he loved to visit France whenever he could.

But that was as far as we got. "No syndicate allowed," the security man at the gates told us in no uncertain terms.

I bristled. Xelloss, an old hand at this, having often been on the receiving end of unreasonable prejudice, smiled and calmly withdrew his White Shrine priest identification. "I'm a priest. And Miss Ul Copt is a priestess in the Cephied clan, neither of which organization is associated with the syndicate. Our guide is Volphied..."

Even so, word of Xelloss' connections with the underworld must have spread like a computer virus, infecting who knows how many government agencies already with the information, valid or not. The Volphied clans were also the prevailing mindset in the area's agencies, lending their influence to the government, the courts, and to the point of dictating the overriding culture. Much in the same way that the White Shrine was the primary sect of Seyruun.

Now, for me being a part of the Cephied Believers meant that we were close kin to the Volphied folks, so one would think that I'd be comfortable with the state of affairs. However, remember that I had come to learn a lot about our 'darker side'. Like how my people tried to annihilate Val's clan for greedy purposes and some had attempted to take away his inheritance only a few years ago. I had seen Volphied followers and leaders in action against Darkstar. They would kill in the name of Volphied just at my people had once done. So, I knew that their actions were just as questionable and their pasts as tainted.

To me, that meant that passionate clans-- in particular those with strong lunatic fringe groups-- shouldn't be in control of a government. I liked the White Shrine's laidback 'let everyone be free to believe as they will' attitude that ran the city-state of Seyruun. Maybe because they accepted me and Xelloss the way we were and didn't require either of us to change or give up something major to stay together helped as well.

Boy, I know that I must sound like a heretic to others of my clan, but then I've been told that I'm not just any clan girl-- which is true since my boyfriend's head of the un-syndicate, for gods'sakes!

Here was another case. Either Volphied extremists had corrupted the security rings or this guard guy had especially strong feelings, but he was making it clear that under no circumstances would he allow Xelloss to enter.

Airi was pissed off, but Xelloss shrugged it off. He really took it well. "It's...okay, Airi, I want no trouble here today. I certainly don't want to harm your reputation in any way."

So, we left the palace and simply strolled through the surrounding park land. Had Lina been along, I'm sure there would have been a scene and maybe a jail cell to complete it.

Xelly continued, "That kind of thing happens often, has _always_ happened to me. Someday, it would be nice to be recognized for destroying the syndicate. Of course, then they'd all blame me for ruining their fun, their purpose, and their reason for being, I suppose," he chuckled.

We walked for miles that day, enjoying the gardens and talking. I learned a lot about, well, plants, architecture, but also people, politics, and Xelloss, especially.

I really liked the two-tiered Baroque garden. It had these stairs descending into a lake, and it was all decorated with statues of ancient gods, decorative vases, carved stairway balustrades, and fountains. What I wouldn't have given to pack up a few of those massive outdoor vases!

Xelloss evilly preferred some English styled greens loaded with hidden sarcophagi, columns, and obelisks. Although we both agreed to move the Neo-Classical rose garden adjacent to the southern wing of the palace to my back yard some day!

I tried hard to get him to tell me more about his meetings with the local syndicate people.

"They were a lot more than a criminal gang responsible for trafficking drugs and stealing cars," was all Xelloss would say.

Airi was hardly more forthcoming at first, but then she warmed to it after I shared some of my revelations about the clans at home. "The tales of corruption in the courts goes back to ancient times, yet those willing to run against the political grain are few. People like your brave friend, Mr. Xelloss here. The last man in the government, who was as fearless, was forced out of his post after initiating an investigation that tied corrupt prosecutors, police officers and Central Bureau of Investigation officers with an organized crime ring."

Xelloss spoke up in defense of the government, "Of course, perhaps some of the problem lies in the lack of communication, or outright suspicion, between public officials and outsiders coming in like me."

Airi shook her head. "But you couldn't have missed the state of the roads. It's a real-life structural problem as well. The powers actually given to the small second-tier authorities are ludicrous. The only significant competencies they have are secondary education and roads. They have no taxes of their own to finance their activities, meaning that they remain fiscally dependent on the governing agency in the tier above them. Not surprising that some have chosen to pursue extracurricular activities, though in the case of _Starachowice_ where many of the leaders are accused of trading arms and narcotics with the local syndicate, it is still likely to be more an exception rather than rule. I'm afraid that in many cases, the local leaders have been grateful for the extra powers and extra jobs to be dished out as patronage."

Xelloss placed a hand on her troubled shoulder. "That has always been the way of the syndicate. Find a weakness and use it to take over. It can be found everywhere, but that's my job; to end it, of course."

"You don't have to worry about running out of work any time soon, then," she smiled.

"No, I guess not!" he laughed. "But let me tell you, things are looking good for you. The older corrupt guys are being ejected, the new guys are embracing the new-found wealth that I'm turning over to them, and the few syndicate followers unable to get on board, are locked up in jail. This has been one of the most forward-thinking governments with the most decisive of leaders that I have had the pleasure to deal with. You have a lot to be proud of, Airi."

I was awed by what they had to say. Both were so attuned to the workings of the world while I was...a 'babe in the woods'. My feelings for Xelloss took another profound turn that day. I saw him in a new light; he was an amazing person, multitalented, gifted, and that he loved me was a blessing. Yes, I felt like I was headed in the right direction, with Xelloss as my guide. So this was what 'the love of my life' meant!

"Filia? Are you okay?" Airi asked. I had been staring into the distance with a beatific glow, she said.

"Oh, yes. I have never, ever been better!"

Xelloss must have felt my enthusiasm, because he grasped my hand and smiled, "Traveling suits you."

"_You_ suit me," I said and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

We left for another tour of duty elsewhere the next day. I was sorry to have to say goodbye to my new friend, Airi, but I have a wonderful memento to remember her by until our next meeting, the recipe for her mother's mushroom soup.

Our travels ended shortly thereafter, and we settled into work at home. I threw around some slabs of clay and handled sales in the Mace and Vase. Xelloss met with Gourry and some architects and did whatever it was he did all day. At night, we had each other—sometimes...when we could.

Then, I didn't see Xelloss for a couple of days. He was meeting Milgasia on the sly. A secret he was keeping most pointedly from me. Oh, yeah, it was, much later (much, much!) that I learned of this meeting and its outcome. If only I had known about it when it had taken place; it would have made such a difference.--

"What would I have to do to become a full-fledged member of this clan?" Xelloss asked Milgasia in a private meeting.

"I was wondering when you would come to me and ask me that question," Milgasia answered. "So, I looked into it ahead of time. First, you would have to apply for the training program. If the Supreme Elder accepts you into that, then a trainer is selected. It could be me, for example. When that is completed, there is a ceremony in which you demonstrate your acceptability to the elders of your home clan. They vote and if you pass, then you become apprenticed to a member for a period of a year or so until your position in the clan is determined. And that is that. It could take a year or two. Still interested?"

Xelloss smiled, undaunted. "Yes. But tell me, do you see any problem getting my name past the new Supreme Elder?"

Milgasia nodded, "You detected the weak point immediately. I don't know the man well, but he's said to be fair. I'll help you with supporting documents explaining your role in the syndicate, past and present."

"Thank you. I want to represent myself in the best light possible. If that's possible," Xelloss smiled and shook his head.

"Have you spoken to Luna about this?"

"No, I haven't even mentioned this to Filia." Luna was not going to know. She wouldn't approve of our relationship, he was certain.

"You haven't?" Milgasia was taken aback. "This is a serious action to take without her knowing about it."

Whether Milgasia meant for Xelloss to tell Luna or Filia, Xelloss wasn't sure, but he was certain he didn't want to speak to Luna about any of this so he decided it was Filia to whom Milgasia intended him to open up. It made the lie not a lie when he said, "I'll tell her, once I get through the application part. I have no doubts concerning my ability to master any lessons. It's just... No sense in getting her hopes up only to be met with disappointment."

A week later, Xelly met again with Milgasia...

Xelloss opened his door, "Come in, Mil. Have a seat and I'll bring you ah..."

"Something strong."

"I have wine."

"It will do."

Xelloss carried two glasses of wine into his living room and handed one off to Milgasia, who was gazing about the room. "It's not what I expected," the man said simply.

"What, the wine?"

"No, although this..." he took another sip, "this is very good." Milgasia took another longer drink.

"I think so, too. It is from Kiki's vineyard and winery. Filia, Kiki and I just brought back a case to taste. I don't think it's too 'young', as Kiki puts it, but I'm no expert." Xelloss stopped himself from further pointless chatter and waited to hear Mil's news.

"Hmmm, well, I was referring to your place here. I was expecting to find a typical bachelor pad with food remains and clothes strewn everywhere. Or a luxurious room filled with priceless collectibles. What I find are Spartan accommodations and spotless cleanliness."

"Zelgadiss taught me about having less and holding onto nothing. Also, I'm a bit of a clean-freak my friends say. It's just another of my odd behaviors. But you didn't come to check out my condo. Tell me..."

"Xelloss..."

"I was not accepted, was I?"

Milgasia shook his head. "I'm going to fight the decision, though. You didn't actually kill the previous Supreme Elder, but it is being held against you. That and threatening to kill Filia..."

"But at the time, it was an act! I wouldn't have done such a thing!" Xelloss said angrily.

"Of course not, that's why I say I'm fighting this. I'll get McGywn's police report and as many affidavits as it takes to clear this up."

Xelloss and Milgasia sat in silence, studying each other awhile. Then Xelloss sighed and sat back, "It's not going to work. My current syndicate ties are just too strong; even though it's not the syndicate of the past, it is the enemy. I'd give up my White Shrine position and my 'un-syndicate' post if I thought that might make a difference, but..."

"You can't do that, son. There is no one else who can do what you are doing right now, breaking up all the old syndicate entities. And it is too dangerous for any one to want to try." Milgasia looked away as Xelloss' eyes filled with angry, frustrated tears. "What are you going to tell Filia?"

"Nothing," Xelloss' voice was thick with emotion. "She doesn't know I tried. I didn't want her to think...of me that way, unless it was a real possibility."

"Then she doesn't know that you want to marry her?"

"From the start...we entered into all...this...knowing I couldn't be part of the clan and that she was permanently... remaining a part of it," he spoke hesitantly. "Marriage has never been discussed." Xelloss paused to gain control of his voice again. He was determined not to start crying. Then, he turned to the clan leader and asked. "If we did marry and I wasn't clan, then what? She couldn't be a priestess, right?"

Milgasia sighed, "She could no longer be a clan priestess, that's right. Things would change dramatically for her, but it would not be the end of her life, Xelloss. First of all she would lose her status, position, and privileges. She would in effect be treated like any other...outsider. She could visit and stay with

classSection2> 

her family on occasion, but have no access codes. She'd have to be let in and out, just as you are. She would have no role in the settlement any more."

"But her children, should she have any?"

Milgasia shook his head, "No. They would have to apply for training, just as you had. She's not... That is, you are not expecting any...soon?"

"No. We haven't even _slept_ together, yet." Xelloss sounded exasperated even to himself. They had slept in the same bed but they had not had intercourse, so he allowed the euphemism to stand, and then went on, "Well, that doesn't sound like a very a good scenario. It would kill her to be estranged from her family."

Milgasia looking relieved but saddened, asked, "So, what will you do?"

Xelloss turned his unhappy face away. "What would you advise me to do?"

"As a leader of her clan, or as a friend?"

"Both."

"Talk to her and let her be a part of any decision that's made."

Xelloss nodded and they left it at that.

Xelloss should have talked to me right then, but he didn't. He didn't talk to me about_ any_ of that conversation until much, much later. It makes me mad to this day to remember this part.

As the fall season approached, I started taking a night class at the university thinking I might as well earn a few more credits and possibly graduate sometime, but Xelloss was always on my mind. I noticed a difference in his behavior; I would catch him occasionally looking wistful, looks filled with unfulfilled desire and at times a sensitive kind of melancholy. See? I didn't know that he wanted to marry me and join the clan! So, I took this as a sign he might be getting tired of me. I, however, was becoming more and more deeply attached to him and decided it was time to take the next step.

I refuse to go into any details as to how I seduced him. He put up such a good fight, but in the end we made love.

"That...was...unbelievable," he murmured into my ear. "You have to realize that I'd never done that without a condom and it felt soooo good."

I punched him.

"Aaaand there's never been anyone like you!"

"That's better," I told him.

"You're so golden from head to food. Your hair's like the silk in those tassels on the curtains at the opera house, remember going to that in high school together?"

"Yeah, I had to keep slapping your hands to make you stop fondling those pull-backs."

"Yeah, they felt so cool and soft...like your hair. But, now I have better things to fondle," he grinned and found one. "And then you're all tan and golden all over...except here...and here...and here..." He kissed the few places my skin remained covered when I sunbathed. "My golden dragon goddess..."

"You'd tan too if you ever spent a moment in the sun. Remember that summer we all stayed at the beach house? You and Zel both got some tan. You looked good."

"I don't now?" he smiled, eyes glittering with amusement. His eyes always did that, when I could see them.

"You look pretty good naked, yeah. I think I'll keep you this way for me to play with. I love making love with you Xelloss Metallium."

His face grew serious a moment. "Okay, but you have to make me a promise, and that is...no matter what, we can't do that again without protection, okay? You _have_ to promise!"

I did. And we stuck to that promise for the next few years. And never once did he give me any reason to doubt his love, or I his. We were a couple in the eyes of the world.

The other thing I did was have another discussion with Milgasia about my priestess standing.

"I broke a vow."

Milgasia sighed, "Filia..."

"The one about chastity."

"Do you know why that one exists? Let me tell you, then. It was added to keep the young girls pure. To make them have one more reason to wait until they were mature before becoming...sexually active."

That must have cost him to say, but he didn't blush much or shirk his job.

"You are old enough to make your own decisions now. You are an adult. Just...be careful. Both you and Xelloss."

I must have looked shocked. How had he guessed that it was Xelloss?

"He is the one, correct?"

Remember, Xelloss had not told me about his earlier conversations with Milgasia. I had no idea that he had sought training to enter the clan, and been turned down. Milgasia, in turn, didn't know that I still didn't know, so it made for a strange stilted conversation.

I nodded. "Yes. There could be no other for me."

"I understand. There are difficulties for you."

"We can never marry. I guess you can call that a 'difficulty' if you want to."

"Well, not if you remain in the clan, that's true."

"So, that's all I wanted to talk about," I cut him off. I had accepted my fate, but it pained me to discuss it.

I decided to make the most of every moment Xelloss and I had together. However, we didn't have the opportunity to get together on a regular basis. The best way to achieve that, I decided, was to invite him out to the settlement whenever I was going. Sometimes he would stay at Val's, which was nice because then we could snuggle in the guest room. When that wasn't possible, he stayed at my house, where my parents and little brother monopolized him. Like this one memorable spring visit five years after the musical…

"Mo-om, I just want to talk to Xelly alone for once."

She gave me a look filled with a mixture of understanding and worry. "Why don't you take him riding out to the lake? You could go swimming. I'll even pack you both a lunch to take while you get ready. How does that sound?"

"Wonderful, thanks mom!" I ran to the living room where he was playing checkers with Quinny and answering dad's stream of questions about his work and travels. "Oh, Xel-ly! Come with me. We're going to get your swim trunks from Val's place then go on a picnic ride, okay?"

"Swim trunks? O-kay, do-kay, Filly. Sorry, Quin. She-who-must-be-obeyed calls me to action. We'll finish the game later, 'kay?"

Quinny whined, but dad set him straight...while finishing the checkers game with him.

Soon, we set out with our lunch, towels, and swimwear in hand. "So, where are we going?" he asked.

"Stables."

"S-Stables?"

"Yes, that's where we house the horses."

"Horses?"

"Yes, my little echo boy. What else? What did you think I meant when I said 'picnic... ride'?"

"A car? Bikes?" his voice cracked.

"Wimp," I sniffed.

He clammed up until we entered the stables, at which time he made a scene, naturally. He should have been an actor!

"Gag! Eeew! The smell, the SMELL! Just one more reason to hate them," he complained.

"Watch your step!"

"Gah!"

"Ah, poor baby... Tough luck, huh?"

He pulled his foot out of the squishy straw, "Oh for crying out loud..."

"Now you sound like Rezo talking. That's right. Now buck up and come over here. Meet your steed, Blaze!"

He minced over shaking his left foot. "Hi, Blaze. Oh, wow! Does he ever have a big face? UGH! He's eating my hair!"

"_She_, Xelly-bean. Blaze is a young _lady_ horse, if you'd look around. And she likes you. That was a horse kiss. Here, give her this apple."

"That's my lunch! And... I never really checked out horses before. How would I know?"

"The same way I could tell that you were a guy. Now, open your hand palm flat so she doesn't accidentally nibble your fingers."

"Uh...oh and all, eh there girl? Those are some big teeth you have."

"All the better to chew you up!" I joked.

"Disgusting..."

"No, it isn't. You're making friends. Just pat her nose and tell her how pretty she is. _And be sincere_. She can tell if you're not. Horses are very emotional."

"Great. Aren't you just the finest looking **filly**in the entire stable?" he crooned to the horse.

"Funny."

"I thought so. It came out sincere because I meant it!" His eyes were sparkling with mirth in the seconds before they disappeared in his smile. "So, does Val ride Blaze?"

I pointed out a tall spirited stallion. "Over there. His name's Buck. That's Mil's horse, but he lets Val take him out. Ah, don't go so near, Xelloss. Give that one some space. He's not particularly friendly toward strangers, especially girls...or small guys."

Xelloss backed off. "Well, Blaze, I like you better anyway. Hey! No! Not my hair! Filly, she's eating my hair again!"

"Oh honestly, Xelloss, just step back and distract her while I get help with the saddles."

Needless to say, Xelloss had never ridden a horse before, but he was in good physical condition, so he had no trouble mounting up. I gave him a quick lesson in horsemanship and off we went. Like the skiing incident, he was willing to try anything to please me, and he was a quick learner, but horses were not his preferred means of travel. They had their advantages, though, he discovered.

"She doesn't seem to care if I'm pulling the reins left or right. She just goes where you go."

"I'm riding her mother. She'll follow her anywhere, but then, she knows the trails and probably has figured out where we're headed anyway by now."

"That's nice. That means I can't get lost."

"Right."

"So, when are we stopping?"

"When we get to the lake. Another mile."

"Oh? Not long then." He seemed relieved.

We reached a shaded spot by the lake to picnic.

"Here's where we should have lunch," I said as I hopped off my horse.

"Okay. What about the horses? Shouldn't we tie them up or something?"

"No, they'll stick around and find things to eat. They won't wander far, not as long as they know I have more treats in this basket."

"Ah...your secret controlling agent—food." He helped me spread out quilt in the dappled shade.

"Not for you. I have to use more devious means to influence you."

He smiled warily, "Oh? Like...what?"

I leaned over and kissed his lips gently, "I'll let you use your imagination."

He let is imagination get control of his brains, pulling me down onto our blanket and covering my mouth with his own. He didn't require much encouragement to become affectionate. A firm nudge by a warm muzzle broke us apart.

"Interfering mothers..." Xelly grumbled at my horse.

"She just wants us to get to the bottom of the basket. Sandwich?"

"Nice bread," he said as he bit into the one I offered.

It was. My mother's homemade loaves were nutty whole wheat with a crusty coating.

"What's in it? It's great."

"She buys the butter from a neighbor who has cows and goats. It comes wrapped in parchment paper and packed in a wooden crate. Those are lemon cucumbers (thin slices so crisp and cooling on the tongue) which were picked from Mrs. Saunders' garden yesterday."

"Are these tomatoes? They're purple and I've never tasted anything like them," he was entranced by the food.

"Yep, Mrs. Saunders family stock. Good, huh?"

He nodded but picked curiously at the thin leaves layers between the tomato slices.

"Oh, the green stuff is basil leaves from mom's herb garden."

"Delicious," he smiled politely and ate obediently. Xelloss was not one to argue when he was in love. I pointed that out to him.

"The medication makes me more docile," he said in a low tone. "It also helps keep my mind on track and more focused. In some ways its better, but in others..." His voice faded off, leaving his unspoken thought hanging in the warm air. "They all have side effects. Ritalin made me nauseous, and aggravated my mood swings... even more than the Dexedrine. I absolutely hated the way Ritalin made me feel, all moody and stuff. I didn't know which was worse, the disease or the cure! However, there were downsides and side effects to Dexedrine."

I had never before heard him talk about his fight with the drugs he took. I realized that this was important to him. He wanted to share this very personal information with me, so I listened with sensitivity and tried to ask questions to make him feel comfortable. I had never cared this much for anyone in my entire life. "What were your side effects?"

"At first, mostly some loss of appetite which made me skinnier- don't tell Sylphiel, okay? She might want to take it. My headaches got worse, I'd get dizzy, nervous, and restless, which would make me irritable."

"That sounds like the symptoms you were trying to get rid of."

"Right, so I'd up the dosage. I would become tolerant of that, and then I'd up it more sometimes making me so sick to my stomach... "

"Like...you were addicted."

"Yes. To the point that I started getting hallucinations. Bad stuff for me."

"Poor baby."

"What's that wrapped up in the napkin?"

I turned back to the basket and rolled back the generous plaid cotton folds. "Hardboiled eggs. Pretty aren't they? Millie is raising these cool chickens that lay blue-green colored eggs. Try one."

He took an egg and a shaker of salt.

While he was busy I asked, "But that was the worst, the hallucinations and all, right?"

"No, actually. I can recall taking Cylert, a particularly nasty choice for ADD medication. I found out that people taking it died from liver damage. Also it had warnings plastered all over it saying that it should not be taken with drugs that affect the central nervous system, which if you recall I was being loaded with at one time. Nowadays no doctor would give it to a little kid. I had the same foul side effects the other stuff would end up giving me, but also convulsive seizures and depression."

I gave his hand a compassionate squeeze, "Go on."

He shook his head, "You don't really..."

I interrupted him, "Yes I do. I want to hear it all. I care, Xelly. I really want to know the 'why' of you." And I was proud to have actually meant what I said. This wasn't just another case of 'tell me a story, Xelly'. I needed to understand every last thing about him.

"Ah...well... Then there was Adderall, a "cocktail" mixture of four different amphetamines I got the weirdest side effects of insomnia at first, then euphoria-- which wasn't so bad- but then I'd come crashing down all paranoid. So, I got doped up on anti-depressants but the Tricyclic antidepressants increase their levels when taken with Adderall medication, making me high as a kite. The worst problems, though, with amphetamines like Adderall were the ways it would impair my judgment and my ability to do stuff... like driving.

"Sounds like it was an awful choice for you. So, did you just quit taking it?"

"Sure. That's when I learned about the effects of addiction! Abruptly stopping it after such a prolonged high dosage, made me really tired and depressed. The most severe, though rare, side effect was the psychosis part, which ...surprise, surprise... was often clinically indistinguishable from schizophrenia. That happened when I got hospitalized. So they drugged me more to treat that!"

"No wonder you were such a mess. It's amazing you survived," I hugged him tightly. "Oh, sweetie..." My heart went out to him. It wasn't fair that he had had to suffer so much.

"I did, but it screwed up my brain permanently in some ways that I continue to have to deal with to this day. Still want to know more about me? I told you, the fantasy me is better than the real me."

"Not true. I love you better understanding you more. Dragons and unicorns are fantasy; my lover has got to be real."

We kissed lightly, but meaningfully. Reassuring one another of the depth of our commitment. After awhile, we came up for air.

"Ummm, I smell something sweet. Is there a dessert tucked away in there?" he asked.

I withdrew a paper bag and handed him a warm plum bursting with juicy ripeness. "From our plum tree in the back. Watch it, it's sticky."

"I've never eaten so much unprocessed food in one meal, well, since living with Zelgadiss." He took a tentative bite, then another and pronounced the plums to be "... like summer in a sour skin." He wiped off his chin and hands with a clean cloth napkin I provided when he was done.

"So, what pills are you taking now?" I asked as I put away the remnants of the meal, setting aside the two very old, over-ripe apples for the horses. "You haven't been having nasty side affects that I've been aware of."

"Yeah, not many. Zelgadiss read about a new product in some journal he dug up and it led to a medical man in your clan. It was still in the testing phase but with a little financial incentive, I was included. Anyway, this stuff called Attend..." From his pants pocket, he pulled out a small bottle wrapped in a pharmaceutical note and read: "... works with the body's natural calming and balancing agents to help the brain to develop new and better neural pathways, to process information better and faster, and to improve the brain's ability to inhibit behaviors. It's all natural, completely safe and non-toxic." He re-wrapped the bottle of pills and pocked it. "Hard to believe, huh? I can't take it all the time because it mellows me out too much. The rest of the time, though, it helps to calm me and reduce stress and frustration. I can focus my attention better and it has improved my concentration."

"That is so great! I didn't know anyone in the clan researched that kind of medication. Even if you don't always take it, it must be good to know that it's not killing you when you are."

"Yes, there are many good things the clan has done for me, you being the very, very best," he nuzzled me and we laughed.

"So, does anyone know how you got this way?"

"Half nuts?" he chuckled. "No, you mean the disease. Well, the first thing doctors say is that bad parenting can't be blamed; mine certainly didn't help though. Most likely, it's in the genes. A child is 70 percent more likely to have Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder or A.D.D. if they have a parent with it-- which means, if I ever father any kids, they'll most likely be doomed to have it too."

I shoved him a bit, "Hey, you've turned out okay and new treatments are getting better all the time. Don't let it get you down."

"Okay," he smiled slightly.

"Let's go for a swim. Xelloss!"

"What?" He had ripped off his shirt and was pulling off his pants.

"Do that behind some bushes! Someone could see you!"

"Only you. I don't really care anyway. I've got nothing to be ashamed of."

That was Xelly-bean...in all his glory.

"Can we go skinny-dipping?" he asked with a grin.

"No! People come here. Children. It wouldn't be right," I instructed him and slipped into my suit behind a screen of plants.

We splashed and goofed around a bit then swam out to a floating dock and climbed up to sun a short while. I discouraged him from man-handling me too much, then we swam back and strolled hand-in-hand in the sun along the sandy edges to dry.

All-in-all, it had been a lovely day...so far...

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Seven.


	8. Turned Upside Down

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –- 7/2004

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Eight: Turned Upside Down**

"Life begins on the other side with despair." – Jean-Paul Sartre

* * *

Our perfect day was disturbed slightly by a little kid. Xelloss, unable to help himself any longer, had just broken away from a deep kiss when this obnoxious little boy ran up to us and shouted, "Hey, that's dirty! You're supposed to be a priestess! Priestess' don't do that kinda stuff!"

But Xelly-bean just smiled good-naturedly. He knelt down to eye-level with the boy and explained, "Kissing isn't dirty. Loving is nice. Your mom loves your dad, right? Well, Priestess' love too because they're normal human beings. I know even a big guy like you can understand that, although...you probably don't kiss icky girls yet, huh?"

That got a male-solidarity grunt out of the boy and he ran off... with us soon forgotten.

"You're not bad for a city-guy," I complimented Xelly's riding when we headed back.

"Thanks. The out-of-doors is nice, with someone like you to tame it with," he said. "Um, isn't that the way we came? Or am I lost?"

"Not lost. We have some errands to do."

"Oh? Out here?" He smacked at a bug. Xelly had been very tolerant of the wildlife and rustic accommodations up until this point. Now that the day was really heating up, the bugs were looking for lunch, too. It would be a test of his endurance.

"This way leads to the stream that feeds the lake we swam in. There's some nice spots to stop and gather."

"Gather what?"

But I figured seeing the wild berry thicket would answer that question soon enough.

"Ah...blackberries," he said with understanding.

"Now we give the horses their apple treats while we fill the picnic basket with berries."

"I see, dating a clan girl comes at a price," he muttered. But with a show of good grace, he plucked berries for me. "Ouch! Nasty thorny things," I could hear him grumble.

"Can you reach those?" I pointed to a bunch out of my reach, which meant that they were probably out of his as well.

Gingery, he hopped about the snagging undergrowth. He found a fallen tree branch crooked at the end and used it to bend the heavily-fruited tip to within my reach. "How's that?"

"Satisfactory, my good man, thanks."

When I checked the basket next time, it was full. "Hey, lover-boy! You can stop now."

He climbed out of the brambles to my side. With a scratched and stained hand, he pushed his bangs out of his eyes, leaving a purple smudge of berry juice on one cheek.

I gotta tell you, he looked so cute with his hair mussed and decorated with bits of dry grass. I couldn't believe how attracted to him I was. I liked him well enough in his smart-looking suits and cool band clothes, but this way in old jeans and a shirt he looked more, well, manly. Using his shirttails, he wiped the sweat from his face and looked over my way. He caught my eyes looking him over and smiled. He'd been smart enough to keep his shirt on to protect his arms from the nasty thorns, but he was hot and sweaty. So was I. I could see a rivulet of moisture trickle down his neck and disappear beneath his open collar. He could use some sun on his chest. "I know just the place to cool off. And we can gather greens for our salad tonight, too."

"Cool sounds nice," he agreed and followed me along a narrow, steep trail leading from the road to the stream. One look at the isolated pool off the fast-flowing water and he added, "I don't care if all the clan is watching us, I'm getting you naked in that water."

I laughed so hard as he fumbled with my clothes, hot and sticking to my skin, and then with his own. I was afraid that he'd rip off the buttons, so I helped him out. This was nothing like the smooth maneuvering he'd used to slip me out of my clothes that first time we made love, or was it me who commandeered his? Funny, I couldn't even remember now. Wasn't that an important moment in my life? He was my first-- I gave up something, but the love I got in return more than made up for it. Oh...and my back ached later... Hmmm, I guess it didn't matter. It got better with time. We got better with practice.

"Gods! IT'S COLD!" he gasped when he stepped into the water.

"Ice-melt from the mountains. Very clean and pure."

"And COLD!"

We stood in the water and splashed awhile until we could completely submerge. We could barely endure it for more than a minute or two, but we cooled off and eased our itches. It shriveled flesh and cooled our ardor.

After dressing, we collected several bunches of peppery watercress.

"I had a really nice time, Filia. I know I'm no country lad, but I can see why you love it here so much. I feel relaxed and comfortable and contented." He gathered me up for a light kiss, "I love you, Filia. I thought you should know."

I blushed, "I know and...I love you too. I mean it. _Everything_ about you."

He crushed me in his arms and I think he cried when he told me, "I can't believe this. It's better than I ever, ever dreamed falling in love could be, and you know I've thought about that a lot. I just want to make you happy, Filia. I want you to know exactly how special you've made me feel."

But I did, I really did, because I felt like something magical was happening to us.

"Um, also I was wondering…"

"Yes, Xelly-bean?"

"When we get back…"

Oh boy, this had to be a good one. "Yes…?"

"I may need some…salve…or something for the saddle sores…"

The lusty glint in his eyes said it all. Did I ever mention that he was a demanding lover? He had a non-stop libido. I'm not kidding! It wasn't like the _only_ thing on his mind, but it took up a large portion of it.

When summer arrived, for reasons only he could understand, Xelloss arranged for accommodations at the resort on Wolfpack Island for my parents, Quinny, and Mil and Milly. He told us all that he understood little progress had been made on returning the island into a Cepheid Believer wolf preserve, or that the resort hadn't been altered, or hardly used. Milgasia said Luna was 'looking into' some financial difficulties. So, we were going to stay a couple days, tour, and vacation. Yeah, got that? Vacationing with my family _and_ my clan leader. I told you Xelly was nuts. A crew of cleaning and cooking staff had been sent ahead to set up and prepare for our arrival. We flew in by helicopter, just as Zelas had probably done in the past.

In case I never explained this about us before, Cephied folk are not very affectionate in public. In the privacy of your own home, that's where all that belonged. Even so, I had rarely seen my parents kiss, hug, or touch, although I knew that they were a deeply devoted couple. Milgasia and Milly were practically still newlyweds and you would never catch them giving one another googly-eyes or making-out in the bushes.

That said, oh gods…Xelly was not repressed or repressible for long. He loved to pretend that he was the romantic lead in some grand musical. Oh, he had more self control as an adult than he had as a teenager, but when he was not 'on the job' he let down his guard and revealed his emotions. This meant that if he felt moved to wrap an arm around me, kiss me, snuggle, whisper sweet nothings, hold hands...the list goes on...then he would; that is, he'd _try_. If others of the clan could see us, I'd subtly turn away, slip out of reach, or otherwise avoid the contact. I didn't like to do that to him. I mean, I wasn't a prude like Zel-bob, but I knew it would make others uncomfortable.

Also, I didn't want my folks to know how involved we really were. To get their approval to drop out of school, travel alone with Xelly, and run his shop (my shop), we had to convince them that ours was a professional relationship, and it WAS. Trouble was, it was more than that now. Much more. And, yeah, my folks suspected bunches, but were afraid of confronting me-- or, more likely, they didn't want to have their suspicions confirmed.

With that all in mind, I continue…

We landed on the island and reported in at the resort to check on our lodgings and say hi to the folks helping out.

"I get to share with Xelly!" my little brother cried out merrily.

Xelly looked me squarely in the eye and said, "I think not."

And when I hemmed and hawed, he took me by the elbow and led me out of the foyer into a slightly more private hallway. "Filia, I didn't come here to share a room with your little brother. Now, if you won't stand up for 'us' and let your parents know that we, that's you and me, baby, are sharing a room and that they have a two bedroom suite with their son getting the side room, then I will."

I must have looked ill.

"Filia, you are not a child. You are about to turn 23 and I'm 25. You are an adult and can make your own life decisions now. I thought you already had. I thought you and I had a kind of commitment. Am I wrong? Am I simply too inconvenient to be your boyfriend now, but when we are alone on the road then I'm your bed-warmer?"

Xelloss was mad at me. His temper, usually under wraps, was showing, that's how I knew how serious he was about this.

"You know that's hog wash, Xelly."

"Well, I thought so, but now...are we suddenly 'just friends'? Business partners? I can't do the 'platonic' act around you, Filly."

"No, it's just that...they are my _parents_. You wouldn't understand."

We were staring at one another, when my father and mother found us. "Is something the matter, honey?"

"No..." I began.

"She means 'yes'," Xelloss inserted. "Mrs. Ul Copt, Mr. Ul Copt, Filia and I will be sharing a room here. We frequently do, and have for awhile. She didn't want to tell you because she knows you wouldn't approve, but it's true and I see no shame in something so perfectly natural and understandable. Do you?"

My father shook his head mutely while mumbling, "Well..."

My mother sighed, "Well, thank the gods that's over with. I want to go to my room and change my shoes, and then I want to try out some of those trails. Xelloss? You shall be our guide. Come, Quentin, you are too old to be sharing a room. We've decided that you get one all to yourself and it has a door that opens into ours, isn't that special?"

Thank the gods he thought it was!

My father was telling Xelloss something in parting which made Xelly answer back and then they both smiled and nodded agreeably.

"What was that about?" I asked as we strode to our own suite.

"He wanted to be certain that we were 'careful'."

I couldn't believe that my father would have the nerve to ask such a thing. "And what did you say?"

"Naturally!" Xelloss' eyes flickered gleefully, and then shut as he giggled. "Get it? I could have meant natural birth-control or natural as in 'very likely'. Funny, eh? Well, _he_ thought so!"

I punched his back a few times. Imagine! My boyfriend joking with my father about his having sex with me! I guess I wasn't as grownup as I thought I was about many things.

The rest of the vacation was easy after that, comparatively. We settled on holding hands and I let him put his arm around me. He didn't lock me into passion-filled kisses, feel me up, or try to rip off any of my clothing when they were around. We could agree on stuff like that.

The place was gorgeous, which I'll write about later in another part sometime. We decided that we needed to hire a team of scientists, clan when possible, to map out the place, the wild life, and come up with some ecology-saving plans.

"Funds are a problem," Milgasia began.

"That I can solve," Xelloss said. "I turned it over to you, but I meant for the financial support to be there too. I must have forgotten."

"It also requires Filia's signature, every decision does; that was how you wrote up the transfer. It's all in her name. Do you know why you did that?"

Xelloss did, I suspect, but all he would say was, "That's a secret."

I elbowed him gently, "No it isn't. You were just trying to impress me way back then."

To which he replied, "Ah, well, it's possible," And then he winked and smiled.

Another time that summer, Xelloss helped me and my mother with the canning. He was much more useful than Val ever was, and so eager to please. He was happy scrubbing the cucumbers, or measuring out the spices, or stuffing the babies into jars; whatever the task, he was happy to do it. He even offered to make us pies. I had to admire him. He had not shirked learning to ride a horse or getting his hands dirty with actual dirt; things he would hardly have done (for me at least) in the past. He had grown to be a most definitely handsome man and not so prissy anymore, even when in the kitchen wearing one of my mom's aprons.

"You choose the fruit and prep it," he told me, "and I'll make the crusts. I'm not as good as Zelgadiss, but I blame him for not teaching me all his little tricks."

"Nectarines and blueberries blend well," my mother suggested.

"O-kay, do-kay!" he agreed, then in a whiny voice complained about the honey jar. "Why is it that all I have to do is touch this thing and my hand's all sticky? Honey…oh, huuuuuun-neeee?"

He was grinning my way expectantly. "Just wash it off," I told him.

"Sure you don't have any real sugar, that white stuff? I know how much of that to use."

My mother stepped in, "I'll help with that. We add more flour to make it drier. There, that should do it. So, you like to cook?"

"Yes, but probably only because I don't often get the chance. Zelgadiss and I did most of the cooking on weekends together when we were living with Val. When I got married, well...I didn't get much of a chance. Since then, I've been traveling a lot, and cooking for one is impossible." The way he looked at me made it clear that he wished I was living with him.

I blushed and my mom cleared her throat. But, Xelly... he didn't care about that. "Oh, I gotta work quick here, it's warm and the butter is softening as I cut it in. Ice water, yes!" he giggled as my mother trickled a few tablespoons into his bowl and onto his arms. "Um, more _all_ over." The way he said that made my mom blush. He could be so suggestive without intending it, or maybe he _did_ mean it that way. I loved him madly.

Needless to say, this endeared him to my mother. Not that that was necessary because she had always liked him. My father pointed out his only flaw in their eyes, and it was a fatal one (that is, that they_ knew_ about), and that was the glaring obvious fact that he was not part of the clan. One night we all sat together and 'talked' about it—after Quinny went to bed.

"Listen, dad, he isn't going to join the clan. We know that. He's a priest elsewhere. I am not leaving the clan, so...where does that leave us? Limbo-land!"

Xelly-buns said nothing about his futile attempts to join the training program, although it would have been a really GOOD TIME TO HAVE DONE SO! (Ahem, excuse the shouting.)

"We can't get married. We can't be a family. We just...are!" I stomped off in a huff refusing to thrash out my future any longer. Xelly might have called me back, but nothing mattered, nothing would come of it. It was a dead-end discussion about a dead-end topic about a dead-end relationship, if I had wanted to think about it, which I didn't.

But I overheard how the conversation ended.

My father was saying, "So, at first we appreciated your getting her out and about. It wasn't until later that we became concerned...ah... You were showering her with expensive gifts..."

"You were worried that I might be trying to _buy_ her?" Xelloss asked in a subdued tone.

""Well, yes. She...that is...we live simply out here. With all the luxuries you could afford, the latest fashions, fancy restaurants and parties, traveling the world like royalty...the high life—how could she not be taken in?"

"Oh I think the term you are looking for is _enchanted_, dear," my mother put in. "He wasn't trying to lure her into the underworld."

"But, don't you agree that she must have been...is... a little overwhelmed by all the attention?"

Xelloss answered, "What you are really wondering, I think, is if I ever thought that Filia might be staying with me primarily because of what I give her. That's a shallow assessment of your daughter." I could hear him chuckle softly. "Although, it _is _possible."

My father then said, "You don't care? That she may not care for you like she should, that doesn't bother you?"

"It would, if I believed it. I said that it was a _possibility_, but I don't believe that it's true. I know that...Filia loves me, the real me. No woman has ever loved...the real me like she does."

My heart swelled to hear him say that. He had so much faith in me and in our love. My father seemed adamant to find a crack in his shielding and now even mom was getting into the act.

"Filia has always had her way or demanded it. We thought it might all be an act of defiance at first. You see, first there was Val, then after learning about the Golden clans' involvement in destroying the Ancients, she nearly broke with her priestess vows entirely. Turning to...you would have been an extreme move."

"There may have been a bit of that..." Xelloss' smooth voice broke in.

"And that doesn't bother you either?" my mom pressed.

"Nope!" I bet he was smiling when he said that! "She is about more than all that. She has accepted everything about me, the good and the bad. She has given me...everything and asks me for nothing in return. Well, she does stretch my boundaries at times and pushes me to do a few things I'm unaccustomed to...like riding horses!" he added quickly so that my folks didn't think he was hinting at something kinky. His voice softened to a pensive tone as he confessed, "She moves me like no other has. I-I'd do anything for her."

"Even," my father asked, "give her up?"

I left my room at that point and saved him further interrogation by suggesting that we go for a walk. It was my birthday and I wanted to sleep that night with something else to remember, something more than his haunted voice intoning 'When I have to...'

Occurring over the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth Years After the Musical

So the years wore on and Xelloss and I were in love, but the strain of an uncertain future and of the long separations when he traveled whittled away at us both. I kept myself busy running the Mace and Vase, creating a few of my own pieces, and occasionally taking a class at night. I had completed three years at the university plus some credits in AP high school classes, and was slowly accumulating credits toward another year of class credit.

And, without paying_ really_ close attention, I noticed that everyone else was feeling stretched to the limit as well. Zelgadiss was busy practically every waking and non-waking minute of the day completing his internship and then residency at a small hospital in Sairaag. Amelia was interning in a small law firm in Sairaag too, I think chosen for its proximity to Zel's hospital more than its learning opportunities. But don't try and get her to admit to that even to this day! No, she said she needed to work outside of Seyruun, somewhere where her name wasn't a household word. I could buy that excuse as well.

Lina was writing like a fiend and teaching while finishing up her doctoral thesis at some point. She wasn't home much, although she called all the time. She said that she was traveling to 'gain experiences' which she would include in her stories. Val looked after her when she went out his way. Xelloss too, maybe, not that he would have said so-- and he didn't. We were all spread out, but we did call and keep in contact. The band was touring less. We'd shut ourselves into our recording studio and churn out a new CD every so often, and then promote it with a few concerts. We were all too busy and most of us too well off to work at it hard any more.

Val, I don't know where he was most of the time, but before one band gig, he announced that the Ancient Clan Monument Park would be ready for opening soon in winter, the start of the seventh year since the musical. Somehow he had become a strong political activist with the power and finances to place his properties under the continent's preservation and protection authority. There was the area around his and Nahga's spa, heath, and rehabilitation center, which was exempt from the no-growth zoning laws, where a thriving community of outdoorsy folk, the well-to-do, and plenty of us common folk to run the hundreds of small services, restaurants, and businesses which had sprung up. With jobs and tourist trade, the Golden clan settlements in the area were flourishing. These clans included the one Milgasia's wife and come from and the one from which Brad (gag) hailed.

It was late summer… early fall, I remember because I had just been on the phone with Zelgadiss telling me that Joey was starting his last year of high school and that was should do something for him come spring for graduation, but that he was far to busy to lift a hand himself, or was certain he'd be come spring and so on and so forth. Xelloss had been gone ten days. He startled me by showing up unannounced at the Mace and Vase.

"Miss me?" he whispered into my ear. His sinewy had wrapped around me from the back and his hands were pressed over my eyes.

"Ahhhhh!" I screamed and dropped the cell phone.

He caught it before it hit the floor. "Sorry, I didn't know you were holding anything."

"Xelloss! You could have called!" I shouted. I was angry with him. Lina had told me that he had run into her 'on the road' and that they had gone wine tasting in Zephillia. Not that I would have minded, _much_, but he had only said that he would be busy for a few more days. He hadn't said busy _with whom._

He never talked about Lina, but Lina talked lots about him. It wasn't as if they were doing anything wrong, but he would just 'happen' to meet up with her in the oddest places and at the oddest times. I was secure, I thought, knowing that he loved me and me alone, but what was it about Lina that attracted him like that? It bothered me more each time she'd mention a new occurrence. And maybe that was because _he_ never did. If I brought it up like, 'Oh, Lina told me she ran into you at the Shelby in Troutville,' then he'd just smile and say, 'Ah, that's right, we did have lunch.' It wasn't as if he was hiding anything, but he wasn't very forthcoming, when it came to Lina-business.

But this time it had run into an overnight experience. Lina shrugged it off as nothing special, 'He just got a room so we could visit a few more places the next day.' So, why had she mentioned it at all? She knew how involved he and I were! I never thought she was so hot in the looks department and her behavior was outlandish. What made her so fascinating? What was her draw? And why hadn't Xelloss called and told me himself?

"That was Zel with nothing important. But before that, Lina called to say you and she were off wine tasting. She thought I didn't like wine so you hadn't brought me along. But I would have loved to have joined you guys, Xelloss. I hadn't seen you in over a week!"

"Ah, well...I had business in the area and I really did just run into her. I knew you would be busy setting up for your big show tomorrow and didn't want to distract you. I'm here now, though."

"I can see that," I sniffed. I was glad to have him back. I wanted more than anything just to slap up a 'Closed for the Day' sign, lock up the shop, and head over to his townhouse.

"I know," he rubbed my shoulders gently. "I need to go back and unpack and shower. Why don't I come pick you up in...an hour and we'll go out for dinner, then we can go back to my place, okay?"

"That's fine, okay." I succumbed to his charms over and over.

Then a day or so later, my world was turned around, upside down, and inside out.

All I knew was that Xelloss had gone out with Milgasia, who was in town on business, and would meet me later. He'd call. He rarely stopped by the house I shared with Lina. Xelloss had always been very circumspect around Lina when I was around and when it came to our relationship. He didn't flaunt it around any of the Slayers, keeping a professional attitude when it was work. Only I got to see the real Xelloss, and only in private or when just the two of us traveled.

That was why I was so surprised to see him in the house that Lina and I shared. I had told Lina that I'd be working out back in my small studio until lunchtime. I was putting the finishing touches on a new line of pottery which I was hoping would be a hit. If it turned out good enough, I would sell it in the Mace and Vase. The store was doing so well that I had made a name for myself as the self-made expert on modern ceramics. I was often called to critique other shows and give presentations in my old high school.

Yes, I am avoiding writing about this next part; it was more painful than any torture-scenario I could have dreamed up.

I walked into our house, Lina's and mine; he was speaking in a low voice, and then drawing her into a kiss. Xelloss was holding her in his arms and kissing her passionately. I could have died right on the spot. But I didn't. I stood there and stared, half expecting them to start laughing and call it a stupid, thoughtless practical joke. I mean, I knew he carried a part of her in his heart, but he and I had been a _couple_ for years. Why this now? How could he do this to me _now_?

He had been saying something to her. "I've never forgotten you. Tell me how you feel now..."

Trembling with a roiling mix of emotions, I said between gritted teeth, "Sorry to interrupt this important meeting, but you're blocking the path to my room."

They flew apart, Lina doing the pushing. She punched Xelloss and kicked him too, accusing him of attacking her 'against her wishes'. He was trying to say something, but I was not interested or listening. I ran to my room, slammed my door, locked it, and turned up my music to block out anything else.

I was devastated. I wasn't mad at either of them, _yet_, just shocked and sad.

So sad...I kept falling and falling...

First, I closed out the books on the Mace and Vase, wrote out and delivered the final paychecks to the two ladies I had hired, and locked the door to the place. It was an agonizing day when I had to walk away from the shop I had poured my heart into building. I sent Xelloss an envelope in the mail containing the shop key and a brief note which read: 'You are free. Have her or not. Get her out of your heart once and for all. Please, do not try and contact me.'

I quit the band, sending Lina a similar note, moved into a tiny apartment near campus and returned to school full-time. If I worked hard, I would have my degree in less than a year. I wanted no sympathy or reminders of what I had lost.

It was awful. I didn't want anyone to know the depths of pain he had inflicted upon me. Lina too. I hated everyone and everything. I cried until my body ached, and still, I lay heaving dry tears.

Betrayed. He had betrayed me. So had Lina. I had trusted him completely. I never pressed him for details when he had been away. I never questioned the rumors I had heard—they were just rumors. I had vowed never to be a complaining, finger-pointing bitch. I hadn't asked him for anything. The business, well, I worked my butt off to make that a successful, profitable enterprise.

I gave him my heart and my promise to love him forever and he... He betrayed me. With her-- my friend and roommate and band member. I could not believe it, although I had seen it with my very own eyes.

I lost all sense of time.

Well, not all, I guess because I made it to classes on time. I ate automatically and lost weight unintentionally. My campus apartment location was a close-kept family secret; I wanted a life apart from the other Slayers and with effort, I got it. I knew where Zel and Lina hung out and avoided those places.

The impact of our break up hit me like an out-of-control freight train in the Ancient Clan lands— wild and fierce and leaving me in utter devastation. I wasn't even safe at night. I had to dream and re-dream about Xelloss. I even relived the first time we made love. It was shocking in clarity. When it resurfaced from my unconsciousness into a dream, the enormity of the emotional trauma sent me screaming into wakefulness. Sweat poured off my chest, I tore off my nightgown which had been hot and sticky then gone instantly cold and clammy against my skin. I was panting and anxious. I thought on awakening that I'd forgotten all about losing my virginity, breaking my long-held priestess vows. Such a momentous occasion! At the time, I had figured it wasn't such a big deal after all the fooling around we'd been doing. And it wasn't, **then**, but it was **now**. I had given him an irretrievable gift and I thought he had treasured it. A 'no return' policy included. But no, he had taken it from me. Taken it and then discarded it with all the words of love and trust and commitment we'd made. I hated the thought of giving him that first time.

_He didn't love me, anymore! _I had a panic attack over that. Herbs helped, so did time, and so did family and an old friend.

Fall ran into winter and into the spring. I graduated from college and returned to the settlement, where I helped my mother but did little else. Summer came and went like that, and then another fall. I remained in self-confinement at the settlement. I had missed everyone's graduation ceremonies, birthings, and new job celebrations, although I did receive invitations to attend them at my parent's address. It was a sad, pitiful life, but it was what I wanted. I hadn't the motivation to do a damned thing more.

I did see Val. I couldn't avoid him entirely when he came out to the settlement. The first time we saw each other I explained my wishes and, gods be with him, he honored those wishes and left me alone. But gradually, I softened somewhat and we began riding together. We never spoke about the other Slayers. He listened to my few words and cheered me up at bit with his wild and crazy stories. Boy, I needed a friend like him at the time.

Then came the blissful dreams of my life deeply in love with Xelloss, like persistent, wretched reminders of what was lost. I would be half asleep when I swear I could feel the bed sway with Xelloss' weight as he sank onto the mattress and swept to my side. But it hadn't. I even smiled when I recalled my irritation with his persistent need for loving. How he'd press his length along my thigh in urgent supplication, leaving a cool damp trail like a slimy slug. The look he gave me every time I asked him to 'put on some clothes' because he loved to wander his place naked all the time. The time I thought we had finally come to an agreement that he'd wear 'something' at the dinner table, only for him to greet me at the table sporting a strategically placed sock and a scarf of mine tied like a bow around his neck. He could be so childish and fun-loving and tender and fragile it hurt. I loved him so much. I missed him so much. I felt so hollow inside. I cried each time I thought about him, soaking my pillow in salty tears.

Not all the time. When I'd think of his eyes when he'd sung, 'It's you…', or his smile when he'd ask, 'Yes, love?' I couldn't help but tag on, 'Was it me?' or 'Who did you mean?' How could he say those things to me…and love Lina, too? How could he lie like that? How could he _lie?_ How_ could_ he!

The anger, frustration, and pain would overwhelm me, and then I would pound my pillow to threads and send the feathers flying like dry leaves in autumn.

Pillows. I was running out of pillows.

In time, Val convinced me to go shopping at the mall on the outskirts of Seyruun. It was time I got out of my self-imposed purgatory and either start over or... well Val wouldn't let me go there, he promised. Instead, he drove me to the mall a few times and let me shop alone, when I wanted to, picking me up when I phoned. It was good to be around normal people again, and there, I gained another sorely needed friendship.

Pillows. I beat up, soaked, and otherwise destroyed many pillows. The forth time I entered the bedding department at the mall's anchor department store to buy a new pillow, which was the 'least expensive, feather but with as much down as possible, please,' the saleslady, a woman about my age, took me aside. "Listen, Hon, either you got man troubles or you've got more relatives moving in on you than you need."

I was about to object to the woman's audacity, but all my fight left me. I needed to gripe to someone, a woman who'd understand. "Man."

She nodded, "I thought so. Been there. How about I buy you a cup of…tea… in the coffee shop downstairs? I got break coming."

So, that's how I came to be pouring out my woes to a woman I hardly knew, but who could commiserate with me completely. She had been dumped more than once and had found peace alone. She was married now, but it had taken a lot of work on _his_ part to get past her defenses. After I told her about the scene which caused our breakup, she asked a few questions which got me to thinking through the painful event.

"But you didn't catch all that he'd been sayin' to her, am I right? Maybe she wanted him to pay her some attention like, and he was trying to figure if she really cared about him or was just envious of what you and he had. Maybe she was latchin' on to him when you caught them?"

"She pushed him off. I saw that."

"She was shocked at seein' you. She was hiding it all from you. What did he tell you? He give you any kind of excuse?"

I shook my head, "I wouldn't have listened to it if he had, Miss ah…"

"Frieda, my name's Frieda, hon, and I think the situation calls for an evaluation. That's just what I think."

I sipped my tea, "Filia."

"Filia, now that's a pretty name."

I must have scrunched up my face at the unfamiliar, nasty, bitter taste of the beverage, because she wrinkled up her nose, too, and confessed, "Ugh, mine's pretty bad, too. Sorry 'bout this tea. I'm spoiled since my place closed up."

"Yeah? Where was that?" I asked.

"Downtown, the..."

"Mace and Vase," we said together.

"You went there too?" she asked.

I told her that it had been mine.

"No, kidding?" She was thrilled. "Um...terrific teas and delicious food and sometimes I'd see this guy there. Now he was mouthwatering. One of the waitresses said he was a rock musician. I tried to get him to notice me but, well...maybe he was a guy's guy. What, you know who I'm talkin' 'bout, right? Mr. Tall, Purple, and Mysterious?"

I smiled and shook my head, "That was, Xelloss. He was the owner and I his partner. He bought it with...ah...proceeds from his mother's estate when she died. He lived off the money from the band." My expression must have said a bit more.

She wondered that I'd give up a place like that and then it sunk in, "Oh, gawds...no...not _him_? That gorgeous Xelloss fellow was the cheating monster you broke up with? Oh, honey...cry all you like!"

I held my tears in check this time and sipped my tea as punishment. "We had known each other for years and been in love for half of them."

"But he never wanted to marry you, huh?"

I explained that conundrum. "I am a Cephied Believer and he is a White Shrine priest. It wouldn't have worked. One of us would have had to give up something just too important."

"Priest, eh? Who'da figured him for that? And he wouldn't join your clan, right?"

"He might have tried, but I'm certain they wouldn't have accepted him...extenuating circumstances, you see. But he might have given up his position otherwise. Not that that matters anymore."

"So, he wanted you a lot. Well, honey, what was stopping you from joining _him?_"

I explained that I would have had to leave my priestess position—not the end of the world for me—and lose my clan privileges and easy access to my family.

"And that was important? Listen, Hon, most married folks try to get away from their interfering in-laws and meddlesome relations. How much of your life did you figure you'da been staying out with that clan of yours, if you'd been married? Week or two each year? Surely, your old clan rules woulda let you visit a few weeks a year, right?"

_More than that, far more time than that._

I realized that I had never really thought about what a marriage was, what it entailed. It meant building a new life, a new family, as well as fitting in with my old one. Why had I naturally expected Xelloss and me to settle down out on the settlement? He liked to go for visits, but I knew he belonged in the city. Hell, I liked the city, too! I hated the idea of being stuck out on the settlement for the rest of my life. In fact, I was getting restless being in such close proximity to my parents already, after having lived on my own for some time now.

_What had I been thinking! _

I had let Milgasia counsel me, but he was the head of my clan and he certainly wouldn't be giving me advice that would lead to my resignation. Had I spoken to someone else, say, Mrs. Gabriev, would I have gotten another kind of recommendation? Would Xelloss and I be together now? Happily married?

Ah, but then there was Lina... there had been Lina as well...

_There was Lina and he loved her, didn't he?_

Frieda and I stayed a little longer and talked. But when I went home that night, I had a lot to think about, and a couple new pillows to think with.

I started wondering what had become of Lina and Xelloss' romance. Lina would come to visit Luna and Julian out at the settlement, alone, never accompanied by Xelloss, but I made certain I was not there or available. Since I was clan and she was not, there were places I could go that she could not, so it wasn't hard. Plus, Luna was kind enough to always notify me prior to Lina's coming. Bless the Knight of Cepheid, may she live long. So, whatever relationship Lina and Xelloss had surrendered to, I was decisively ignorant of it.

By that spring, I was emotionally brittle but mentally stable. As far as I was concerned, Lina and Xelloss had been living out their dreams in blissful harmony. But Frieda's words had wormed there way into my consciousness, leaving behind doubts where certainty had once flourished. Val dropped in one afternoon to say hi and go riding. Actually, he was out of breath. He had driven like a bat out of hell to see me. It was important. That I know something. Good. I was ready to listen.

"Val, let's just go for a walk."

When Val told me Xelloss had remarried, I was unprepared. "Xelloss. I don't know what you wanna to know about him, but you outta know that Xelloss got married again, um…" Val began. His news was interrupted by the phone buzzing.

"Hold that thought. Hello? Luna, I'm with Val. Yeah, he just told me. Are you two in collusion or something? Oh, he just got back from where? _Lina_ wants to talk to me? Why's that? Oh, I really don't think so... Lina's at _your_ place alone? Then...it wasn't _her_? I'll think about it...bye."

I stared at Val, "He didn't marry_ Lina?_"

Val looked at me as if I were nuts. "_Lina_? What makes you think they woulda gotten married. Shit, since you guys broke up, Lina hasn't even talked to him. Even on the road, she made Zel or Amelia the go-between; when he even played."

"But he was always in love with her. He met her...was with her in Zephillia. He was...kissing her that day... I never spoke to either of them after that."

"Ah, Fil, I don't know nothin' 'bout that. Nobody does. You never said a word; Xelloss didn't either. I do know 'bout Zephillia, 'cause I was there, too. No one knew 'bout that and he wouldn't give 'way my con-fee-den-shall info. But I can say fer an absolute fact that he and Lina had nothin' goin' on then. And I know that he barely survived yer leavin' him, but he wouldn't say a thing about it. He had a nervous breakdown, or somethin' and Zel put him in a hospital. When Zel got him out to go to Joey's graduation, he just left the continent and... now he's back, just today, and he said he's married to some woman no one's ever heard of. He's not happy, but he's not suicidal anymore." Val paused as he mulled over something I'd said earlier. "Wait... he didn't tell you he was havin' an affair with Lina, did he?"

"No...never..."

"'Course not. He couldn't say nothin' like that 'cause it wasn't true and he can't lie. His eyes give him all away. Zel told me. It's a part of his con-di-shun."

Xelloss hadn't lied to me? He hadn't married Lina. They had parted that same day. Then why the hell had Xelloss done that? Why had they been kissing? It must have been one-sided, his side, and Lina had turned him down. So, why hadn't he tried harder to get in touch with me? He certainly had the connections to discover my whereabouts? Yeah, I'd told him not to, but when had he ever let something like that get in his way? I was still trying to process that.

If he had wanted to get rid of me, that was one hell of a way to do it. _Why?_

"I need to talk to Milgasia, Val. Thanks for coming over."

He was going that way too and so walked me over while calling ahead on his cell phone. Mil was in.

That was when I **first** learned about Xelloss' prior meetings with my clan leader. That's when I found out that Xelloss had tried to gain approval from the Cepheid clan Supreme Elder to enter into the clan training program– **five** times. And he had been turned down **five** times, the last time the day I discovered him with Lina.

Milgasia told me how desperate Xelloss had been to find a way to marry me and that he thought Xelloss had set a deadline, by which time if no hope was left he would set me free.

"Do you think that last failure came at the deadline?" I asked.

Mil nodded. "I had a meeting set with him. He called first and when he heard the news, he cancelled our meeting and told me not to continue trying. I thought he was communicating all this to you. Had I any idea that you were uninformed... all those years..." He was unable to finish his thoughts. It was too late, after all.

"He set that whole thing up to get me to let go of him emotionally," I said. The realization was staggering. "He could have chased me and tried to convince me there was nothing between him and Lina he could have tried to get me back..."

"But he wanted you to be free, to have another chance to find someone you could marry, to have a full, complete life...before it was too late." Milgasia looked deeply into my eyes. "It's not too late to find someone in the clan who will make you a fine husband...Perhaps an older man would be better suited to..."

Tears sprang to my eyes, "How could he make such a decision like that without consulting me!" I interrupted Mils' nonsense. "All I wanted was _him_! I needed _him_ for that! So, things didn't work out within his stupid timetable. He goes and does the one thing he knew I couldn't take and drove me off. He let me go. No, scratch that, he MADE me leave him! All that hurt for nothing... And then he went and remarried to put himself permanently out-of-bounds. All this time wasted! WASTED! I could kill him. I could just KILL HIM! I shall!"

Milgasia calmed me down after a bit. "On the good side, you've graduated from college, you're still young, and you are wiser..."

Ignoring the man– it was either that or knock his head cleeeeean off with the walking stick resting by his door. I knew he meant well, but I was on the warpath– I jumped to my feet and headed out the door. "Next...Lina!"

It was a rancorous, sweet, tearful, jubilant, emotionally releasing and bonding experience, meeting with Lina after our estrangement. She was mad as hell at the idiot (that would be Xelloss), but now Lina understood what his motives were at the time he initiated that kiss, and after a time...she was considering forgiving him. She wanted her band intact; she wanted her friends back. The past year or so had been a terrible drain on her and everyone. She told me about Zel's fight to save Xelloss from a mental slip into serious depression and I cried. I cried for us all and the pain I had caused. I had tried to cut myself out of the Slayers, but all I had accomplished was cutting the Slayers up. Lina assured me it wasn't my fault. She might have done the same thing, well…after killing Xelloss first.

That day, the healing began.

It took awhile, but one day shortly thereafter, I joined the band for a practice (Lina begged me!) and greeted Xelloss for the first time in over a year. Now, I would tell him where to go, twist off his head and drop-kick it onto the freeway for a game of dodge-ball.

One look.

His eyes met mine, "Forgive me?" his lips moved soundlessly.

He held me spellbound in that plum gaze. The thoughts of neck-twisting and head-launching, and the equally satisfying alternative of mashing his brains into the cement floor, vaporized on contact.

"Of course," I gasped breathlessly. All my fire piffled out.

And I meant it. _It's him..._

I did. _It's him..._

The hitch was: I was still in love... _with him_.

And the magic was back!

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Eight.


	9. And Inside Out

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07-09

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Nine: And Inside Out**

"Some of us might find happiness if we would quit struggling so desperately for it." -- William Feather

* * *

It was spring, nine years after the musical, with our 'Ten year Reunion' planned for the end of October (which made it more of a 'Nine and one half Year Reunion' party) but… --

Funny thing, with Xelloss married and so much pain in our recent past and then being in one another's company again, you'd have thought I would have been perfectly miserable. I wasn't. I was the happiest I'd been in more than a year. Was just seeing him enough? No. Was singing behind him and watching him eat while on the road enough? No. I wanted him back. I wanted him to look on me like he had before. I wanted him to stand up on stage and look me in the eye and then sing to the world 'It's You…" I wanted him to want me so bad that he'd leave that stupid, ugly little bitch of a wife he had and beg me to live with him.

I also knew that he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't leave her. He obeyed those damned marriage vows like a good White Shrine priest should. But I could see it in his eyes. The longing. Every so often when he didn't think I could see him. A reflected image in a window, behind sunglasses...a flicker before he hid his eyes in his bangs or a smile– desire, naked and raw. For me. I hoped it killed him, because it was going to be the death of me.

I have to say, Val was very, I'm tempted to say, doting at this time. He practically said he'd like to get something started between us again. And I might have, if I hadn't been single mindedly tracking Xelly.

There were some new songs, new to me, for which I had to learn my part. Sylphiel had taken over leadership of the chorus singers, in my absence. Someone had to and Amelia was Miss Busy. And what was cool, she was really good at it! Maybe it was motherhood?

Sylphiel explained to me, "See, this song was going to be Zel's song, but he claimed he hadn't the vocal range to do it. So, I thought that maybe Lina and Val should to do it as a duet, since they only had one song together and that one they did hardly ever. It's called 'How can I be sure?' Xelloss once chose it...I think he said the Young Rascals sang the song."

Sylphiel went on to tutor me on my part during a quick practice session a few hours before we went on stage, "All we sing is this part..."

I really liked how they worked out the parts, and so did the audiences that summer. I sang it with the band for the first time one evening at the beach, I think. It started with Val asking:

_"How can I be sure_

_In a world that's constantly changin'?_

_How can I be sure_

_Where I stand with you?"_

Lina's crisp, higher voice made a great contrast:

_"Whenever I_

_Whenever I am away from you_

_I wanna die_

_'cause you know I wanna stay with you."_

The song went on in this way with the two trading off parts and acting out their roles as two unsure lovers.

Lina was singing, now:

_"Whenever I_

_Whenever I am away from you_

_My alibi is tellin' people I don't care for you."_

Then Val once more again:

_It's a pity_

_I can't seem to find someone_

_Who's as pretty 'n' lovely as you."_

Together they sang with the rest of us doing backup vocals:

**_"How can I be sure?_**

**_I really, really, really, wanna kno-o-ow!_**

**_I really, really, really, wanna kno-o-ow!"_**

A short musical interlude cut in and then a return to the trade-offs, beginning with Lina this time:

_"How's the weather?_

_Whether or not, we're together"_

Then Val cut in with:

_"Together we'll see it much better_

_I love you, I love you forever"_

Lina her arm waving flippantly, telling him:

_"You know where I can be found."_

...giving rise to warm chuckles from the crowd. Val returned to the opening lament:

_"How can I be sure_

_In a world that's constantly changing?_

_How can I be sure?"_

Ending with them turning toward each other and singing the closing:

**_"I'll be sure with you."_**

Oh, yeah! The audience and fans loved those heart-felt songs interspersed between Lina's driving 'Never Give Up!' kinds of songs. And she wasn't singing any duets with Xelloss.

No, he was singing solo one of his older ones, 'But, but, but!' and a new one, another soulful ballad. This one he sang to the audience, who lapped it up like the treacle it was, called _DAYDREAMER,_ by David Cassidy

_"I remember April, when the sun was in the sky _

_Love was **burning** in your eyes _

_Nothing in the world could bother me _

_Cause I was living in a world of ecstasy"_

We joined in for the chorus behind his vocals:

_"But now you're gone _

_I'm just a daydreamer; I'm walking in the rain _

_Chasing after rainbows, I may never find again _

_Life is much too beautiful, to live it all alone _

_Oh how much I need someone, to call my very own" _

Gods, the fans just started screaming again as he put on his choked-up voice to sing:

_"Now the summer's over and I found myself alone _

_With only memories of you "_

The girls were screaming and crying nearly wiping out his tender voice.

_"...I was so in love, I couldn't see _

_'Cause I was living in a world of make believe" _

It nearly drowned out the instrumental cues I needed (because it was really new for me) for my part in the chorus:

_"But now you're gone _

_I'm just a daydreamer; I'm walking in the rain _

_Chasing after rainbows, I may never find again _

_Life is much too beautiful, to live it all alone _

_Oh how much I need someone, to call my very own "_

Which we all just repeated a few times:

_I'm just a daydreamer, ...__...I'm just a daydreamer **baby..."**_

Xelloss belted out the 'baby', and then after that he just gave up and let the instrumentals take over. It was a pretty good song. And then he turned around and looked into my eyes. I thought it had just been sweat, but those were real tears he wiped away before climbing back to his drums.

Amelia was looking up into my face and stuffing a cloth handkerchief into my hand, "Filia? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I burbled through my own tears.

Gods, it was a _great_ song. Lucky for me, we only had two more songs after that one, and then a three hour break until our second set in the evening. I wasn't holding together as well as I thought I would and he was not acting like a happily married man, to me.

We were back in our hotel rooms, when Xelloss' wife, Shanna, burst into the room Lina and I were sharing. The poor thing was crying. She looked about twelve, though I knew she was at least twenty, but tiny, skinny, dark… Why she was coming to _us_, I couldn't fathom at the time. We were the least sympathetic people I knew.

"Hey, your gettin' my shirt all wet," Lina told the weepy thing, pushing her off a ways. "Buck up and quit sniveling. What's the matter?"

"X-xelloss..."

"Oh ho, don't go on about _him_ with _us_," Lina warned her.

"I have to talk to someone about his problem. Miss Amelia and Mr. Zelgadiss said I should talk to you two."

"They did?" Lina's eyes narrowed as she shot a glance to the door adjoining our room to Amelia's.

I thought that had been an odd thing for them to do, but after some consideration, I began to wonder. Zel had completed his medical school degree and to the surprise of us all...was interning in psychiatry! He didn't do this for no good reason. Zel had a plan. I decided to play along, "Okay, well come sit down and tell Lina and me all about it. There's nothing we don't know about Xelloss."

But I was wrong. It took a little inducement from us, a small glass of wine, but eventually she opened up and let the flood gates open.

"At first I thought he was a real gentleman, taking his time...giving us a chance to really know one another...waiting for our wedding night..."

Lina was tiring of this fast, "Yeah, yeah...so he didn't hop into the sack with ya right off, so?"

The woman sniffled a bit, "Well, then he was busy and traveling. Then I decided that he was seeing other women. I mean, fans are after him all the time...but he said it wasn't that."

"You're telling us that for all the time you've been married, you haven't had sex together yet?" Lina knew how to cut to the chase.

"Yes. He won't admit it, but I think he's impotent! So young!" she burst into tears.

"Or it's you..." Lina muttered in a low tone.

I saw my chance, evil little me. "He didn't tell you that he's gay then? I figured after the mess with his first wife he would have learned better. But I guess he just keeps trying to pretend that he can change. 'Course you can't change a thing like that, but he's so sweet to keep trying. You been traveling with Kiki yet? Yeah? Ask her about the time Zel stopped her wedding to Xelloss. It was a kiss to end all kisses... Ah...wait up! We have more stories for you!"

"You were awful!" Lina admonished me the moment the little thing ran out of our room.

"Yeah," I smiled. "Think I ruined his chances of connubial bliss? Hey, if he's avoiding sex, and I gotta tell you, that is _not_ in his character, then it's a cry for help. I just did what I could. He can deny it or run with it."

"He'll be mad at you."

"For what? Calling him gay? I did that before and he got over it."

"Filia! Not Xelloss, I'm talking about Zel. You just implicated him in your little scheme. He won't like that."

I smiled, "Well, I'll let Amelia get him out of that."

Lina did a double-take. "Huh? Something I don't know about?"

"Maybe," I smiled more, imitating Xelloss more than I knew.

A frown creased Lina's face. "You are still the spoiled, 'got to have what she wants' girl you were in high school."

Her words stung as if she had slapped me. I had balled up a load of feelings inside me for her, not all good, and now I was about going to explode. She must have too, because she nearly blew me away.

"Filia, you tossed Xelloss away without giving him a chance to explain, not that I woulda blamed ya at the time, but then ya cut the rest of us off without a word– like it was our fault, which it wasn't...'specially me. Then when he's got his life pieced back together, you come waltzing back, picking up where you left off with us, and expect him to drop everything and come crawling back. Is that it? That's what it looks like, Filia. In fact, now you've gone and sabotaged his apparently shaky marriage and implicated Zel as well! What is it with you? If you can't have him, you have to make sure no one else does? Maybe he has a medical problem, maybe he's sick and can't...whatever. And don't make me pick sides when the shit hits the fan, 'cause it's a hellofa lot easier replacing a backup singer than my drummer!"

Huh? I was the bad guy here? I hadn't seen it from others' point of view before. On the other hand, she was wrong.

"Okay, Lina. I heard you out. Now, it's my turn. I didn't drop him because I was tired of him, I did it because I thought he was tired of me and wanted you. I wasn't about to get in the way of his lifelong love affair with Lina Inverse. Speaking of spoiled and greedy, if you don't want him for yourself, why not release him from whatever hold you have over him? You took pity on poor Gourry and let him make a life...maybe Zelgadiss and Val too, I don't know about them. But Xelloss is waiting, I knew it then and I know it now. And if there's a problem with his marriage, then I'm not going to let you blame me for anything. He let Zel onto something so Zel could send her my way...like a test. There's no medical problem. That's nonsense. I just let Xelly-bean know I care still. He will get the message."

Lina checked her anger and stewing over what I had said. "I'm gonna let most of the bad feeling stuff go between us. I did that some time ago, I thought, but I guess a bit came back just now. Sorry 'bout that."

Our angry eyes met and softened. Lina was sorry. I was sorry. Our two strong wills had clashed and what were left were two soul-mates bonded together by a complex past.

"Listen, Fil, he's pretty attractive, I've got to admit, but...I really don't want Xelloss in my future the way you do; just as a member of the band and good friend. I hav'ta come clean, though he has a certain charm and can be tenacious... I can tell you are in love with him in a way I can't be—or at times even fathom."

So we talked and talked and I made her understand why our lives were in limbo. How he had sought the clan training program to no avail and behind my back. How I wasn't willing to have him give up the priesthood for me, but never told him. I would never marry, if that was the only way I could be with him, but knew he wanted children and couldn't reconcile that outside of marriage– another unspoken situation between us. And finally, how I had come to realize that leaving the clan was not the dreadful option I once considered it to be.

"I may just leave the clan, if there's any hope for us."

"You two need to talk," Lina said. "It sounds messy but not entirely hopeless and at least it would be more honest, not that I'm particularly good about that either. 'Course if you were wrong in assuming he sent his wife to you to be undone...well...that will probably kill any remaining chance and affection he may have for you."

"I know him that well. I have no doubts," I assured Lina, as a knock on the door interrupted our continued conversation.

"If this is Xelloss, you may find out," Lina said in a low voice, then louder shouted, "Yeah, we're decent!"

"Decent? Then I must have the wrong room," Zelgadiss' familiar low voice ended in a faint chuckle. "No? I see, it's Lina and Filia, just the people I wanted to see." Zelgadiss folded his arms over his chest and stared at me, as he asked "What did you say to her?"

"Why?" I asked. He didn't seem angry at all, even cracked a joke, but I hadn't spoken to Zel lately and couldn't read his mood well.

"Well," he looked at the edge of the bed. "Mind if I sit?" I shook my head and he sat. "Shanna just came back into our room. She asked about Kiki and the wedding-that-never-happened, which Xelloss had neglected to mention to her."

"What did you say?" I asked. Zel appeared calm, a good thing.

"The basics: forced marriage ceremony happily interrupted by a surprise disclosure by me. All in a day's fun for the Slayers."

"That all?" Lina asked him.

"No, it seems that story confirmed both what you had told her and what she suspects about her husband. Did you tell her Xelloss was gay?"

That was Zel. Direct. I returned in kind. "Yes. It seemed kinder for her to believe that than that he didn't find her desirable, don't you think so? Does she look like a stringy girl or pretty boy to you, Zel?"

Zel shook his head and let out a big sigh. "You know, he didn't want to marry this one, but she caught him at a low point and manipulated him somehow into believing she could make him happy, I guess."

I broke in. "He must have been nuts."

"He was in a vulnerable state and maybe he hoped it was true. But...when he saw you back with the band..." Zel's serious face grew lighter. He smiled, "He came out of his depression overnight. He and I had a talk. Filia, I have to know how you feel about him."

For Zel to be concerned and involved in 'affairs of the heart' _nearly_ floored me, but his direct question _actually _did. I slipped off the other side of the bed where I had been perching, and hit the floor hard. "Owwwww!"

"She's still got a thing for him, Zel. The two need to talk about their problems and, say...can you get him in here while you and I go for a walk. I gotta idea," Lina asked.

The two of them were out the door before I had stood up. I wasn't sure I could talk face-to-face...alone with Xelloss. I wasn't sure what would happen. There was just so much emotional baggage in the way!

I found out later that Amelia and Xelloss' wife met in the hotel's coffee shop for some girl-talk, while Zel and Lina directed Xelloss to my room, before hiding away in Zel's room for their own dark discussions.

I knew from the knock on the door, that Xelloss was on the other side. I was faced with the decision: let him in or not. It was too late to pretend indifference. "Come in."

The door opened and closed quietly. My heart ached for him while for a hairs-breath of time we stood distanced, yet ensnared in one another's gaze.

I nearly doubted him.

Then he cleared the space between us in two strides and embraced me. "Filia...oh, gods...Filia..." Further words were lost in a kiss.

We poured all our passions past, present, and future into that kiss.

It was some time, countless heartbeats passed, before we parted and then only a few inches. "We have to talk," he said the dreaded phrase in a near-whisper.

"When? We play our second set real soon."

"After the gig then."

"It will be late."

"But not...too late," his body rubbed against mine and I hugged him tightly again, unable to bear another parting.

"I want you," I whispered.

"I know, but..." his voice shook with emotions held in check. "I can't… not while I'm married to someone else. We'll talk about..."

"What happened? You and I forgot to communicate about the most important things happening to us and..."

"I could offer you _nothing_," Xelloss sobbed into my shoulder.

"I would give up _everything_," I fought back tears.

There was a quiet, polite tap at the door, then Sylphiel's voice, "Time to get into costumes and meet behind stage in twenty minutes for the last sound test. Sorry guys."

We were straightening our clothes and standing apart by the time we heard her footsteps leaving. Xelloss smiled and ran a finger across my lips, "You look beautiful."

I smiled back and told him, "So do you."

As it turned out, Xelloss called me a couple of times to make certain it wasn't all a dream, but we didn't have a chance to meet privately until the next week. I had moved back into Lina's house, but was still half packed.

So, there I was. I was waiting, thinking about unpacking, but not actually doing it. Lina was out leading a literary discussion group on campus. She had successfully published her monolithic Seyruun High Jinx Trilogy … and received a full professorship at Seyruun University.

Anyway, I was home waiting for Xelloss to arrive because he had called earlier to say he was ready and able to talk. He must have known how stressed out it made me to think about what all he might tell me, because he wasted no time letting me know where things stood the moment he stepped into the house.

From out of his jacket pocket, he withdrew a folded paper and whispered, "Annulment."

Wordlessly, I dragged him into my room and then...I don't know how we did it but we both stripped one another and made the hottest, sweatiest, neediest love we ever had. Well, more sex than love, but we were both hungry for the other and desperate to regain some of our magic from the past. When it was over, we showered. To give you an idea how long that took, we had to rinse out our hair in cold water!

We saved the best for last, making love again, but this time slowly and with caring. After that necessary mutual reassurance, we began to tell each other about our dreams and fears. But first he explained about himself.

"What shocked me was your getting married so soon...so fast," I said. "What made you do such a thing?" I was not going to even mention Lina. No, if he wanted to talk about her, then he could but it was still a tender spot for me, one that I didn't need to aggravate myself.

"Depression...and messed up my drugs with poor habits...bad food, too little sleep, and...more alcohol than I should have and...she came and helped me and one thing led to another. I needed company, Filia. I don't do well alone. I wanted you to have another chance finding...a man you could marry."

"Next time you get a stupid idea like that, consult me first. I would have set you straight on that," I poked his chest for emphasis.

"Yes, dear," he said, looking down and away submissively.

I could see him fighting back a smile so I knew he was teasing me. I wondered how his annulment happened so expeditiously.

"That...would be Amelia's doing. She helped with the filling– you know...dotting the 'i's' and crossing the 't's', red-flagging it to the top of the pile, expedite, expedite!" He fell back facing down onto the bed. "What are we going to do, Filia? We can't live in limbo forever."

"I'm not certain, but I think the key lies with Lina, don't ask me why." I watched his smile fade and then he looked away. "What's the matter? We'll figure something out, Xelly-bean. We will be together, no matter what. I've decided that giving up the clan wouldn't be such a traumatic experience for me."

"Please, don't do that yet. Hold on. I have a few last details to clear up overseas."

"That means...you're leaving soon. For how long?"

"I leave tonight. I will meet everyone for the gig next week, leave again the next morning, and return...I see you for the next couple months at gigs and...an over-night if I can. I'll be back in time for our reunion party. I won't be able to help you with the decorations, like I said I would."

I couldn't hide my disappointment at that news, and I don't mean the decorating part. "So much for having you back in my life again. Sorry, that's the spoiled bitch in me letting her feelings out. I think Lina's been doing the planning for the party, but..."

"I promised her food and drink delivery. That I can arrange, but I won't be there to personally set it up."

"Give the caterer's my name and number as the contact and I'll take care of it. Between that and decorating I'll be a busy girl and not be counting the seconds until you show up." That technical part was easier to discuss than the emotional part.

"I'll not keep you waiting a moment longer than that which is out of my control," he said meaningfully. Ours eyes met and I sank onto him for a deep kiss. I tried to sink all my love into it.

"That gives me something to take with me. I don't want to go but..."

"I know, but it's not so bad knowing you're coming back to me. You do promise not to go and get married on this trip?"

"You are so mean!" He laughed. "Oh, I have something of yours I need to return." He removed something from his pocket and pressed it to my palm.

"The key…" I knew that key very well. "I'll reopen the shop. And I know just who I'll hire to run the tea business."

"Who's that?"

"Her name's Frieda. She was a customer at the store. A great admirer of yours, too. But mostly, a great new friend on mine."

"Sounds like the perfect choice. I can't wait to meet her when I get a chance."

An hour later he was gone, but I didn't feel alone. I felt him filling that empty space he had left in my heart when we parted in this house before. Filling me up with optimism and anticipation. I knew I'd be lonely, but I could take that for a short time. Besides, with the Mace and Vase to reopen, Frieda to contact, school work to finish up before the year was over, and the reunion party and concert to prepare for right after that, I'd get through it all okay, because Xelloss loved me back.

Then Zel-bob called me. He was in Sairaag, but was willing to drive all the way just to talk to me.

"That's okay. I'm open to anything right now. Just tell me over the phone."

He started to tell me about my controlling interest in Wolfpack Island. "Yeah, I know and so does Xelloss. He did that long ago to make an impression on me. So what?"

"Lina and I thought that you could use that as leverage over the Supreme Council. They should either allow Xelloss admission to the clan, or lose the island, the ultimate ultimatum; that is if his joining the clan is still what you guys want. You would have to be prepared to actually leave your clan, should they refuse..."

Of course! "Zel-bob! Great idea! I'll give it a try and if they don't care, then the hell with them all. The clan can stuff it for all I care. I've given them _years_ of my life and they can't see fit to do one tiny, little thing for me. Well, I'll just quit. Xelloss is far more important to my future than them!And Luna had better act as my_ deux ex machina in_ this or I'll... I'll think of something!"

Yes! Now I had power of my own to wield. Oh yeah! And I'd get through it all okay, because Xelloss loved me. He _always_ had.

* * *

Note:Parts of the song 'How can I be sure?' were from the song by theYoung Rascals. Parts of the song _DAYDREAMER _wereby David Cassidy

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Nine.


	10. A Return to the Ten Year Reunion

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Ten: A Return to the Ten Year ****Reunion**

"Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you." -- Dr. Mardy Grothe

* * *

– Ten Year Reunion, revisited –

"Streamers? You bet!" Amelia shouted, and then dragged another ladder to the far corner and climbed to the top. "Okay, toss, Miss Filia!"

My days as a girl's softball pitcher may have been long gone, but my arm wasn't. I dead-eye aimed first one, then another reel of crepe paper and tossed them directly into Amelia's hands. "Gottem!" she announced. "Tape or tacks?"

Amelia was a doll. Ten years or so older and her effervescent, lively, and positive personality was still intact. Her hair was trimmed a little shorter, her legs were a little longer, but she was trim and cute and youthful. She had completed her liberal arts degree and law degree, passed her bar exams, and had been employed at a law firm in Sairaag for the past year or so. I knew that she had been looking for a job in Seyruun, which would take her away from Zelgadiss. I hoped that she'd share some good news about that with me. Or… good news like maybe about a serious boyfriend...she hadn't had one that I knew of, only an off again on again fling with Zel.

I secured my end with a tack and hammered it in with a smooth rock. "Tack. So, you had something to tell me...?"

"Hey, Fil!" Val's voice called me from the far door. "Don't get down. Ca-ter-ers are here. I'll show'em the kitchen, 'kay? Anythin' else I can do?"

The years had been kind to Val. The good life had made him a pleasant person. His unusual green hair was trimmed shorter, well off his shoulders, although it was still spiky on top. He dropped the tough, punk-kid persona, but his low gravelly voice still clung to the old speech patterns. He wore earrings, but no face piercings. He was tall, tan, healthy-looking, and very fashionable. He had completed his education in the fine arts, but his work record was haphazard. Not that he needed the money. He was developing much of his Ancient Clan holdings. Like, the settlement where his family had died was now a landmark, thanks to his hard work. The road to the shrine was repaired and a part of the shine turned into a tourist information center. He left the devastation in the valley as a monument to those whose lives had been lost.

Nearby, he and Nahga had built her spa and heath center. The natural mineral springs were warm and I can attest to the fine results I got with a few good long soaks. A real high-class establishment. I didn't go there when they were first building the place. Lina told me about one camping experience with a bear attack and I vowed never to go there until I could sleep in a building with four walls, floor, roof, and lockable door.

Anyway, he hadn't married either. He was always chasing or being chased and didn't seem to want to tie himself down. Nahga was just a friend and business partner of his, because she had been a happily married woman for some time. Of course, Lina and Zel had kept in close contact with him, from all the stories they had to tell about him.

Since his work out in the Ancient lands, Val rarely spent any time out at my settlement, meaning that he and I really only associated through the band. He had stopped by several times, of course, before Xelloss and I had gotten back together. But then, after I moved back in with Lina, he'd stop by and chat often in Xelloss' absence, to lend me support. It had been nice. A familiar face, one I could trust. A handsome face atop a lanky, really tall body. Nice. Not that I was thinking of dating him in Xelly's absence. Val never asked or pressed for a sign from me. Although, I felt if I had wanted it, he might have...well, it doesn't matter. He didn't ; we didn't.

"You'll be sorry you asked. Tables can be set up and...ohhh," I felt dizzy and gripped my ladder for support.

Val was at my feet assisting me down. "On the other hand, why don't you sit an' I'll getcher a drink."

"That's a good idea, Miss Filia. You've been working too hard and need a rest," Amelia agreed.

I took them up on the break, as long as they kept working. There was a lot to do and time was a-wastin'! A minute later, Sylphiel waltzed in and headed for the kitchen to observe the progress there.

Sylphiel had also improved with age. She was still a dark-haired beauty, but after her second child, she kept a little extra weight on and looked much better, I thought. Everyone told her so. There was no reason for her to starve herself to look like a model anymore, and she agreed. Today, her eyes were bright green, which meant she was wearing her 'happy' contact lenses. Sometimes she wore her 'blues'. Well, she really seemed to be content being the homemaker she always wanted to be and her two kids are cute and growing fine. They both looked like her side of the family; no Gabriev blond-haired boy or girl. At least the little girl was dark last I saw her, but the baby boy was still bald so things might change. As I said before, Xelloss employed Gourry's business for all his numerous building and construction jobs around Seyruun, making Gourry a millionaire several times over. They were a comfortable family, just...a bit blah for me. But then, 'blah' was beginning to sound better than nothing these days.

"Oooh! Try these!" Sylphiel cried out and scooted around the room feeding all of us sample morsels from the appetizer tray.

"Spinach tarts, yummmy," I said. The other's agreed, although they were also gah-gah over some poisonous bacon wrapped thing.

Yummy, maybe, but I had no appetite. I was waiting for Xelloss to arrive and I was so nervous– excited to see him, anxious that he might not make it. The aroma wafting off those bacon-wrapped morsels was also making me queasy, so I stepped outside for some fresh air. "Lina!" I called out when I saw her running up from the distance.

"Yeah, Joey gave me a ride so here we are. Gourry's on his way. He stopped to shower and whatever. Here's his truck now," Lina turned and waved.

Lina was a marvel. Appearance-wise, she had hardly changed– still a shrimp with miles of gorgeous red hair and a sensational smile. Her choice of boyfriends was questionable. Here she was, a full professor at Seyruun University and everyone thought that she was dating one of her students! Who, you ask? None other than Gourry's brother, Joey. His build was slenderer and he was not as tall as Gourry. His hair was nearly white and parted in the center, chin-length, no bangs. He wore glasses and was currently...a poet. Well, it took Lina a long time to grow up so I guess emotionally they were about equal. At least, she drove him to school and back and they hung out there together, I guessed. She never said anything and I had learned to mind my own business. I just think it must have been hard on Gourry to accept them as a couple, and imagined that it strained the family relationship and so I had hoped Joey wouldn't come today. 'Oh joy...' as Zel would say.

"Go on in, guys. Sylphiel's handing out snacks. I'll stay out here and play greeter a little longer," I said, knowing I had Lina sold with mention of 'snacks'.

They had just passed the door, when Gourry's truck rumbled up and parked in front.

"Hi!" I waved as I spotted his tall frame straighten. He hadn't made it past 6 foot 9 inches, but he was loaded with muscle. Since the time of the musical, he had gained some weight– I'm sure Sylphiel's pregnancies and good cooking were to blame for the both of them– not that he was fat or anything. He wore his hair long, but drawn back into a ponytail that hung only halfway down his back, and Sylphiel had altered his bangs, layering, thinning and keeping them trim and neat. Besides those slight changes, Gourry appeared the same and in many important ways he was the same as ever– a kind, gentle, quiet, and very capable man.

"Hi!" he smiled.

The passenger side door opened, and out stepped Zelgadiss.

"Zel? You made it!" I cried out in surprise. I was happy he found a way to get away.

He trotted after Gourry to meet us at the door. "Gourry called me at the hospital and gave me a lift, otherwise I might still be there. It's pretty intense there. They called me in all the way from Sairaag. Gourry, you were working at a job site nearby, that right?"

"Yeah, my company's workin' with the fire investigation team and insurance agency to look into the cause of that fire and secure it...stabilize walls...shore up floors. Stuff like that. Xelloss will probably buy it and gut it anyway, though. He does most the derelict places. Works for him. Me, too."

"Who all's here so far?" Zel asked me. "Xelloss make it yet?"

"Everyone _but_ him, now that you two are here. Joey's inside, too, by the way."

"Thanks for the warning," Gourry nodded and continued past me. The smile on his face belied any feelings of animosity that might have been hidden in his words. If Gourry and his brother were not getting along, it was not obvious to me. My studious expression must have looked like worry to Zel-bob.

"He will," Zelgadiss continued. "Xelloss will come soon."

"I hope so. If not, well...he'll get here when he can."

Zel was watching my face. "You were good for him, Filia. He was never happier than the time the two of you were...together. I thought you should know that, in case...well...nothing."

It was my turn to try and read his mind. Zelgadiss never had gone in for his cure the way Xelloss had. He still had chemical burns marks over his face, arms, legs and upper body, but they were faint and the skin surface was practically normal. The redness and discoloration had disappeared, thanks to some herbal mud remedies. What remained were some markings like fine lines, deeper marks, he told me were on his legs. Oh, and his exotic elf ears were unchanged, as was his weird, wiry lavender-silver hair. His personality had undergone more changes with time. He was still serious, but not glum. He counseled countless young children and teens that had lost limbs or suffered damaging injuries—mostly in Sairaag where he was doing his residency, I guess. There was a place where people could draw strength to survive, and he could help them discover theirs and heal mentally. So he was fairly well adjusted. He wasn't married. He claimed he found no real need and that he was too busy to give a woman the attention she required. He was not like Xelloss who 'needed' someone in his life. And, although I figure he had some kind of a love-life, he never required much personal contact. Whereas Xelloss loved to hold hands or hug or just sit close; he craved closeness. As Zel put it one day to me, "I'm alone, but not lonely."

The closest I had ever see him with anyone was Amelia. She stuck it out with him the longest of any girl I knew, too. I know they dated others over the years, but I also know that they kept in touch, and at times very close touch. Lina had told me that Amelia initially took the job in Sairaag to 'get away from things for awhile'. Now, she was looking to return to Seyruun. What she couldn't get Amelia to admit that it was actually Zelgadiss that she was running away from or to. Was Amelia looking to change firms and return to Seyruun and leave Zelgadiss behind? Was Zelgadiss returning to Seyruun after his residency ended and Amelia was changing jobs to join him? I was very curious what was up.

"What are you saying, Zel-bob? I'm a big girl and can take it."

"I don't know what you know about Lina's promise to Xelloss."

"Let's start with nothing."

"All right, then... Ten years ago or so, he confessed his feelings to her. I read about it in his journal."

"Xelloss keeps a journal?"

"Kept. I read it over ten years ago. I don't know if he still does."

"He let you read it, though?"

"He gave it to me to read. It explained a lot about him, including how he declared his love one day and pressed her somewhat for a word of encouragement or not. She...ah...told him to ask him again in ten years. That no matter where or how, she would give him an answer."

"You think that's why they set up this party now?" I was curious if it was true, knowing that it probably was. He was partly nuts, I knew. I swallowed my jeolousy as I had always done.

"Partly. It's been ten years, but only nine and one half since the musical. But...I may be wrong about that. He hasn't had anything to do with her in years, not since he...since the two of you got together. If anything, it will be just a formality they'll go through. They have new lives and goals. I know, Filia, that you have been the only woman he's spoken to me about, and only in good ways, for at least seven years. And he has plans in the works."

"You are telling me I have nothing to worry about. Or at least that Lina is no competition for me."

"Yes, but also that I'm warning you that he may speak with her or act strange, before greeting you."

I smiled, "So what's new?" We both chuckled and released some of our tension. "Thanks, Zel. I only hope that he comes, regardless of why."

"If he comes, it will be for you." Zel took me by the elbow, a rare gesture of affection, and led me inside. "He will come faster if your mind is distracted."

"Hold on, before we go in. It's your turn."

He raised an eyebrow, a more visible gesture now that his hair was a few inches shorter than in the past. "My turn to do what?"

"Tell me what's going on between you and Amelia."

"Then...she hasn't said anything to you?"

"May...be..." _Rats!_ I didn't want him to think I knew nothing or that Amelia hadn't already at least hinted at what was going on. "She's mentioned some changes and Lina figures she got one of the jobs in Seyruun she was hoping for."

Then I could have killed ole Zel-bob. He smirked saying, "Well, then...it's a secret!" and then scooted away before I could smack him good.

We were all standing around eating tidbits and chatting. You know...a party. Val was changing CD's, when a loud 'Whap WHOOP Whap' noise nearly drowned it out.

"Helicopter?" Joey dashed to the door. "Yeah, it's Xelloss!"

My heart began beating again, but my feet remained fixed in place as if I'd grown roots. There he was looking a bit tired about the eyes but his clothes were hardly rumpled. He must have stopped and changed before coming. He strode in resolutely, then headed straight for Lina, not pausing longer than to nod to Zel on the way. Of course, I was off at the side looking on and not in his line of sight. Zelgadiss worked his way toward me.

"It will be all right, Filia," Zel said in a low voice.

"Naturally," I said. _Why wouldn't it? I trusted my Xelly-bean. It wasn't misplaced, was it? No, I wouldn't doubt him._

Out of the corner of my eye I noted that Mayor Phil had arrived with Rezo. I could make out Nels Lahda and... _Was that Milgasia standing in the shadows? _No one appeared to see them, so maybe it was just my imagination. Or I was hallucinating. It seemed everyone's attention was fixed upon the two friends as time slowed to a stand still. Our lives were put on hold while Xelloss and Lina resolved a past pledge.

Xelloss stood over Lina, holding her hand. He was speaking to her. I could see his lips move. Nothing else. She was smiling and nodding. _What did that mean? A cold chill ran through me._

Zelgadiss gave Amelia a strange look and I wondered what it was that he was thinking about. Then it occurred to me that I had been so wrapped up in my own world for the past ten years, that I hardly knew what had happened to him to compose his life over that time. Then they both looked over at me and I realized that I had missed something important happening in both their lives.

Everyone's lives. Val looked my way. Our eyes met. _What kind of expression was I wearing? What was I inadvertently telling him? What was he trying to tell me? _

Lina dropped something into Xelloss' hand. Grrr, I missed what that was while I was distracted by Val. Xelly is...very happy... Is that a ring he's holding up?

_Why was everyone looking at me?_

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Ten.


	11. A Different Path

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**  
Chapter Eleven: A Different Path **

"What a man enjoys about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how she would look without them." – Brandan Behan

Note: Mild limewarning

* * *

Traveling back in time, a short while ago...–-

Filia said to me, "Zel-bob, I want you to dredge up all those memories of yours from the time we finished up with that musical to the present or thereabouts and put them down for me."

"Is that all?" I was acerbic. "Not the previous ten years as well while I'm at it?"

"Don't get snippy with me. I'm asking everyone to do it, but I'm counting on you. Only _you_ know all about some the workings in the background."

"You want a 'tell all' type of story then."

"Of course. No one is interested in the straight facts. I'm putting together a story here with a romantic bent."

"I see."

"So naturally I want the bare naked truth, the juicy bits, your innermost secrets. Make it hot, Zel-bob."

"Oh, naturally, how could it not be, coming from me? And Filia, just who _is_ the audience for this 'story' of yours? Who _am_ I baring my soul to?"

"Me for starters, but I'll bet the rest of the band will be killing to read it."

"They'll be killing _me_ if I 'tell all' and they read it."

"No they won't. You're too important."

"I see. Then, have everyone sign clauses protecting me."

I could tell Filia was thinking about what I said. "Okay, I'll get on it, but you get writing!"

I had agreed to this, and now it was hard to get started, but I did. I was thinking that I should start with our trip to Japan, but then, as fun as that was nothing remarkable occurred—to me, that is. I decided to let others tell that story if they wanted to. Then, I asked Filia for a look-see at what she'd already written, and although she has got the knack of story telling down, her facts were shady and she had any number of things out of order and left out. I imagine it made for a better story, from her standpoint, but it didn't fit with what I had to say, which meant that it was up to _me_ to establish order to it all.

* * *

--Traveling back in time, to the first year after the musical, I shall begin with fall, the band back from Japan and a few music tours under our belts...–- 

Xelloss was not to return to the university, that term or ever again. Instead, he took to traveling and unbundling the syndicate holdings he owned, and eventually Grauscherra's, Val's few, and any associated with my mother's inheritance to me as well. If it bothered him, you couldn't tell. He never complained about his 'work' even though many of his ventures were dangerous. When he'd get back, he would always be smiling and with a different girl, usually a Slayers fan, in attendance on his arm.

Lina began classes at the University of Seyruun, concentrating on literature. She had several advanced placement credits from high school in English, history, and science, giving her a quarter or more head start to the year. I had the equivalent of one full year under my belt with only three more to go then would have to decide what I wanted to do after that—medical school or medical research.

Val started at the Art Institute of Seyruun. It was interesting to find him, drawing board and pencils in hand recording with intricate detail the objects under the kitchen sink, for his still life project. Another day, Val had put Xelloss to work cutting up music magazines featuring bands active before we were born, while he pasted them into a collage of monstrous proportions. Val was having the time of his life.

Gourry had gone from high school straight into fulltime work in his father's construction company. No time for even a two year college education, he said, because his father was very busy and needed him.

Filia and Sylphiel were in their last year of high school and Amelia had two more to go. Kiki had fallen behind with all her moving around and so was facing a three-year sentence at the high school.

Winter went by fast with a few music recordings and little else of note except that Gourry's father awarded him a full partnership in the business. Gourry was rightfully proud.

In fact, the band was going well and all was progressing smoothly until one spring morning over breakfast Xelloss made an announcement to me.

I couldn't believe the news, but I stifled my desire to scream, and said in a carefree tone, "You're getting _married?_ Xelloss, that's...just great."

In a way I was relieved. That meant I no longer would be dragged around to meet one girl after another. He always introduced me to his next victim, as I came to call each new girl that fell for him, to get my approval or opinion anyway. More often than not, this meant supplying me with a fellow sufferer, only she and I would be less prepared and rarely well matched. Not that Xelloss didn't try to find me a nice date, but I always had the feeling that had I not been a rising rock star, they wouldn't have looked twice...er...wrong...they would have gawked and excused themselves. So, the awkward dates with my brother Xelloss were all over and done with forever? That was hard to believe.

"You mean it, Zelgadiss? You really think it's a good idea?" my best friend was nearly breathless with excitement.

Now, of course I didn't think it was a good idea. I thought he was crazy to even consider it, but to say so would have been like a challenge to him. I didn't want to get into a deep discussion or argument. Besides, I could never tell with him—it could just be another one of his practical jokes. I smiled knowingly.

"Oh that's terrific!" he chortled gleefully, sending my stomach into back flips of delight. "You'll be my best man, won't you?"

Was he serious this time? "Ah, yes, of course. So, who's the lucky young lady you are marrying?"

He frowned. "That's not funny, Zelgadiss. You _know_ I've been dating Karly for three months now."

Karly. So that was her name! "All right," I gave up, "So, she's put up with you longer than most, but does that make her 'the one' you think?" Wrong thing to ask. Damn, again he had managed to draw me into a heart-to-heart conversation.

"Lots of things do," he declared, although I noticed he wasn't going into any particulars, instead, putting the ball back into my court. "Okay, so _you_ tell me how _you_ can tell when you've found 'true love'!"

I groaned, "I can't, but I know it takes awhile to let the 'lust' wear off and let the deeper, meaningful feelings come into play."

Xelloss smiled, "Is that why you're taking so long with your 'little princess'?"

Gods, there it was, the dig he was waiting to get in all evening. Maybe the entire 'marriage thing' was just a hoax to get me to reveal my feelings? I hoped not...and then again... "No, and that's got nothing to do with your getting married."

He looked serious. "Are you in love with Amelia?"

I shook my head, "Whether or not I am, she needs the freedom to spend time with guys her own age and do stuff at the high school while she still can. I haven't got the time to do that with her, not with my own work and the band." I wasn't about to disclose any more.

"But don't you want someone to be with? To share secrets and build a life around?" he pressed.

"That's never been a priority with me, Xelloss. You know that. You know I prefer to focus on my own goals and ... I don't need someone to do things for me or to entertain me. I'm fine alone or with my few friends."

Xelloss fell onto the couch. "Yeah, so you insist. It's just...I can't grasp it. It's not that way for me. I need..."

"_Someone_, I know. I just wish..."

"What? What is it, Zelgadiss? You want me to wait eight and a half years for Lina to decide whether or not she wants me? I'd do that...if I thought for a moment that there was a whisker of a chance that Lina might say 'yes', but the last time I tried to tell her how I felt, she covered her ears and told me to leave. It's just not what I can hang my hopes on any more."

So, he _had_ been keeping count of the years. "I guess not. It's just that...you're my best friend and brother (I knew the use of that 'brother' term always softened him up.) I guess it would feel strange without you around here and I care about what happens to you. I can't tell if she's going to be good for you—as in, 'the one'. But it's what _you_ think that matters. Do you think Karly is prepared to take on you and all your baggage? Do you trust her? What does she really know about you, Xelloss?"

"Well, she knows I'm in a band..."

I kicked him off the couch, "Important things!" I hated all this, trying to get him to see reason, and he was cracking jokes.

"You mean the 'bad' things about me. Well..." he pulled himself back up onto the couch and sat on the end opposite me. "She knows I faint sometimes as the sight of my own blood-- don't ask me how that came about..."

"I can imagine the fun she must have had on that occasion."

He smiled, "She knows I hate driving, require a psychiatrist, and am a college-drop-out-entrepreneur-drummer-in-a-rock-band."

"Have you told her about your inheritance? Does she know how wealthy you are?" I hoped not. I couldn't see how to get him to steer clear of fans bent on getting their hands on his money and soak up his fame. I couldn't avoid the sarcasm creeping into my tone as I continued to clarify my point, "Did you mention to her in passing that you occasionally meet with stone-cold killers with the intention of explaining why you are taking away all their money and the source of their income? That you yourself are a dangerous man who is able to and has and most likely will continue to inflict bodily as well as fiscal and mental harm upon those who get in the way of your objectives? Ah...you know, Xelloss, _that_ kind of stuff?"

"Ah... No, not yet. Should I soon, you think? I did tell her I have to travel some to syndicate sites and take down illegitimate businesses and all."

"No, certainly don't tell her how rich you are. The rock star thing is hard enough to get past. I'll help you decide how much to say. A little at a time, I think, until she's stuck with you at least a couple years or more. Oh, and have your lawyer put together a pre-nuptial agreement, just in case."

He didn't look too happy about that suggestion. "You don't like Karly, do you?"

"How I feel really doesn't matter here, although...no matter how much I like her, I simply can't trust anyone not to be attracted to you for your fame and fortune." There, I said it. I expected him to hit me. But he didn't, so I quickly added, "Not that you don't have other good qualities worth mentioning. It's just that I'm not sure many girls can get past the other...in only a few months." I stopped before it came out like another insult.

"I suppose it is something to be expected," he sighed deeply. "Okay, I'll look into the pre-nup. If she won't sign, I guess that tells me something, right?"

"It might, but I'm sure she'll sign. She does seem to like you a lot." There, it didn't kill me to admit noticing that. I also decided to call his lawyer and encourage _him_ to press the pre-nup issue. Maybe coming from him, Xelloss might take his financial situation upon marriage more seriously. It couldn't hurt!

He smiled, "Yes she does. You know? It's nice to feel loved and wanted by someone."

I nodded. It certainly was. Although I didn't believe I deserved it and I certainly did little to encourage her, I knew that Amelia loved me. I of course felt something in return, but the disparity in our lives and the rarity of occasions for us to engage in any private time made a viable relationship impossible. She was still in high school, for gods'sakes! What kind of grownups hung out with young girls? Ones like my father...Xelloss' father. It disgusted me.

Oh, Amelia understood well what my myriad problems were with there being an 'us'. She even dated others in her classes. Not that she told me much about them. Lina would though. It made me feel jealous, but it was what I had told Amelia to do, so I couldn't blame her. I knew she cared...and she knew I cared, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. Although, I managed to fool everyone else for the longest time.

"...I was thinking of having a small wedding soon," Xelloss raised his voice to gain my straying attention.

"Small sounds fine, but I would wait until after Sylphiel and Filia's graduation. Of course, it all depends on what Karly wants, in the end," I told him.

"Ah, yes, well…she wants a big wedding and that couldn't happened until June, so I guess we'll go with that. But I thought small and intimate would be better. Fewer _paraparazzi_ lurking and snapping pics."

"True, I never gave much credence to the gripes of the rich and famous, until we became one of them. Celebrities have so many problems with _paraparazzi _who feel quite free to stick a camera in your face, even at the most private or inconvenient times."

"Especially those!" Xelloss laughed. "I don't want my wedding to be a media event, but ..."

However, Xelloss' wedding was the biggest media event of that summer in Seyruun. Val, Gourry, Subaru, and I stood at attention to one side, while Filia, Sylphiel, Lina, and Amelia lined up in attendance on the other. Up the middle strode Rezo with Karly's arm wrapped about his to meet a pallid, but smiling Xelloss at the altar. Nels Lahda conducted the ceremony amid a harpist, flutist, and organist with chorus.

There were enough flowers to start a garden center. Maybe two. Well, nearly. Mrs. Gabriev had an allergy attack mid way through. The girls looked nice in their dresses, overblown as they were.

The dresses. Ah...yes, and then there were the dresses. Gods... Lina in particular was ticked off to discover that they had to go for 'fittings'-- _more_ than once, _and_ into long, multi-layered dresses with huge skirts _and_ that they had to carry _'stinking'_ ruffled parasols. I know, because I got to take both her and Amelia out to the dress shop both times.

"It fit me great the first time and I haven't grown since the fifth grade!" Lina grumbled to no avail. The tiny woman fussing about her was nearly four feet tall and didn't speak, or acknowledge that she even understood, our language—which was a good thing considering Lina's irritable discourse throughout our stay. She simply went about her business tugging here and pinning there and clicking her tongue.

I understood the process better when it came time for Amelia to be fitted. She actually had grown a bit in the intervening month. "How do I look?" she asked me, taking a swirl and twirling her parasol.

_Like you are about to fall out of that damned low bodice_, I thought, wisely holding my tongue and sucking back my drool. Aloud I said, "Great! Er, ah...it looks uncomfortable though."

"Damned straight!" Lina asserted, flouncing about in hers for me to admire, I suppose. "We have to wear a corset..."

"They called them _stays_, Miss Lina," Amelia corrected her, "but with all silk undergarments it's not so bad."

I was about to ask more about the silky parts, which clearly achieved some lifting effect because Lina had a fuller figure than she sported naturally and Amelia...well, I was having a hard time not obsessing over her partially exposed breasts, but Lina's threatening look silenced me.

"Just remember that we're doing this to make Mr. Xelloss happy!" Amelia sighed dreamily. She was getting romantic notions about weddings, I could tell.

"Like hell we are," Lina snapped. "We could be dressed in paper bags for all he cares. It's that little bitch Karry..."

"Karly. You know her name, Lina," I said. I was standing a safe distance away but still I moved to put a hanging clothes rack between me and Lina—she was holding a potential weapon, the parasol. "You look..._striking_ in that dress, by the way." I regretted my poor choice of words immediately.

But, mercifully, Lina caught a glance at herself in the mirror and stopped to admire her reflection. "Yeah, I do. Most everything looks good on me. Lime green...I got to admit it's an oddly suitable color choice."

"It was going to be purple," the shop owner said, "but the young man said definitely no to that." She took the girl's parasols and hung them on specially marked hangers.

"Good for Xelloss," Lina said smiling. "Can I get out of this now?"

"Certainly, but let one of my ladies help you. We don't want to lose any of the markings."

Lina nodded and mumbled something to the effect that she couldn't get out of it on her own without tearing it to shreds and stomped into the dressing room.

She hadn't said a word to me about Xelloss getting married, which meant she was taking it pretty hard. Good. She had had her chances and spurned him. Now she would just have to suffer. Not to say I wanted to see any of my friends in pain, but Xelloss had certainly tolerated her neglect for long enough. As had Gourry.

Thankfully, the girls' dyed-to-match shoes and gloves fit as well, and we left. At $1500 a bridesmaid, Xelloss was taking a hit. At least the gray tuxedos with vests in the same shed of lime green as the girls' dresses came in at under $1000 apiece. Funny, at the time I didn't think I'd ever have need of formal wear again, but I would wear it, with a different tie and a satin cummerbund, a year later at another friend's wedding.

The extravagant nuptials were surpassed by a reception for 500 or so, which featured a sumptuous sit down feast to satisfy even Lina. She must have found a way to 'ease' her stays because she ate with her usual gusto and packed away far more food than that tiny waistline would have normally allowed. I tried to eat, but my attention drifted to admire Amelia and Filia sitting across from me at the table. I watched them when I was sure no one could see me, except Val at my side.

At one point I felt Val jab me in the ribs. "You okay, dude?"

"Ah...yeah," I pulled in my eyes and concentrated on my food. "Good thing there's no chance those low necklines might come back into fashion soon." I muttered in a low voice.

Val grinned wolfishly, "Yeah. Filled to over flowing. Soooome dresses."

"Not the dresses," I whispered. "It's what they wear underneath that does it."

His grin became downright lascivious. "Ya don't say..."

"Not that I've seen that part, but I overheard at the dress shop," I added with a hot blush washing over me.

"Oh yeah?" he scooted closer wanting to hear more.

"Silk."

His eyes narrowed. I knew he was stripping the girls in his mind. So was I, but I at least had the decency to blush and feel embarrassed about it.

"Can they fall out of them?" Gourry asked. Apparently he had overheard or guessed at our conversation.

"Let's give it a try and see."

I didn't know what Val meant until he surreptitiously pulled the napkin off Amelia's lap and let it drop to the floor. "Uh, Amelia, yer dropped somethin'."

"Oh? My napkin!" she bent over to retrieve it.

I was faster and our heads nearly bumped under the table. "I'll get...it! Oh...gods..."

"Thank you, Zelgadiss." Amelia sat up and waited for me to come back up for air.

I handed her the napkin, "No trouble." I had seen enough to fuel my libido for some time, but alas, the clothing design had kept her _im_modestly covered. Then I had to readjust the way I was sitting at the table, which struck Val as awfully funny.

"_Hard_ to keep yer mind on the food," Val snickered.

Gourry was watching me, expecting me to answer his question.

"Surprisingly, no. Close, but no," I said airily, meeting his eyes.

"Is that so?" Lina asked. "Then why not grab something for yourself?"

Lina was of course referring to grabbing portions of our meal; the dirty minds of Val, Gourry and I had sunk to a more degenerate level. Val burst out laughing. Gourry covered his face and laughed. I turned crimson and choked back a laugh of my own, but only managed to hurt myself and laugh anyway.

Filia snorted, "Gods, I thought we were sitting with civilized men. That lasted about ten whole minutes."

The girls were not pleased with our outburst. They wanted to know what we were up to! Thank the gods they were not able to pry the actual truth out of us, that day.

Later, there was music and, _naturally_, dancing. Xelloss was floating on air in a dream world of his own. I was dancing with Amelia as he and I exchanged smiles in passing. Life was good.

What else do I recall about the wedding...? Ah, yes, after Xelloss and Karly said their good-byes and their limousine swept them off on the way to an 'enchanting getaway', as he called his honeymoon, Amelia asked me to accompany her downstairs to the 'prepping' room.

"I love this dress, but I want to change into something more practical."

"Good idea. I don't think I can fit both you and that dress into the passenger seat of my car," I said with a sly smile, or a beguiling one, I can't recall which. Now, what was I supposed to do, stand there and watch her get undressed? Not that the idea wasn't appealing, but I didn't think she'd let me.

"Would you help me?" she asked. It sounded innocent enough.

"How many of these little buttons do you think there are?" I asked as my nimble fingers flew down her back, exposing the pale ivory skin and undergarment.

"Fifty-five," she answered. Her back was to me so I couldn't read her expression.

"Really? You counted them?"

"No, just a guess."

"Twenty-seven," I said. I circled her waist with both hands, and then slid them forward to meet at her belly. "Exactly."

She didn't squirm away. Instead she leaned back onto my chest and placed her hands on mine, and with a sigh said, "That feels so nice."

We had retained a mutual interest in one another. There was I time when I just didn't understand why Val and Xelloss, and for that matter Gourry, were so intent upon getting their hands on girls. The band, friends... the girls were friends like the guys, right? Not right, they assured me over and over. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Lina guaranteed me that I was fine; it was the rest of the world that was strange. "Why can't we all just be friends and all hang out together and do stuff and not feel pressed to pair up?" she would expound from time to time.

She, like me, had no use for searching out a lifelong partner to share ourselves with. We got along fine alone, and with our friends when we needed them. Then – and I blame it on the long-time exposure to Val and Xelloss' constant blabber about sex—it dawned on me that a little one-on-one with the fairer sex might be nice, on occasion. The trouble with that was that most girls, women, expected more than 'a little'. Val and Xelloss introduced me to the band's _fan club_, as they called it. Over time I discovered that Xelloss had to fool himself into believing he loved the 'girl of the moment'. Sex under the illusion of love. But Val and I didn't need any excuses. Cold, yeah. I wasn't treating those women very well, I'm afraid. It was a learning experience, I must admit. I was just a kid in a man's skin, after all.

Gods...I can't believe I'm writing about my sex life like this...

The other problem was that Amelia was...well, special. She and she alone accepted and loved me and...wanted me...and really knew me. It was all I could do to not force myself on her dozens of times—I had the opportunity. But I had this honor thing in the back of my mind. I was determined to hold out until she was an adult. All right, honor_ and_ fear. Her father terrified me in a way no other adult had —aside from Zelas. I truly believed that he would have me locked up in jail for life if I had sex with his little darling princess. She'd always come to my defense and tell him I 'wasn't that way'. Unfortunately, Phil could see right past my scars and into my rather normal male heart. So I played it cool and encouraged her to date others, with restrictions, to get her father's attention off me for awhile.

I had the 'fan club' for certain activities and planned a very special 18th birthday celebration for Amelia. And only Val and Xelloss knew about it.

But she wasn't eighteen, _yet_.

My thumbs ran over the bumps of the stays. "Don't they hurt?"

"No, actually it's well padded and supports my back. It's unexpectedly comfortable," Amelia said, giggling as I tickled her slightly.

"Hmmm..." my hands slid up, seeking out those marvelously fascinating rises at her bodice. "It makes you..." I couldn't manage to say what.

"I know. It's kind of embarrassing. My breasts are kinda oversized as it is and with this on... You don't think I look a little, well, naughty?"

_Lots, yes...lots. "_I think you look fine. Very..." I hunted and searched for the right word, then settled on, "...womanly."

She twisted around and brought her arms up around my neck, pushing her breasts into my chest. "Really?"

Definitely the right word, 'womanly'.

Our romantic moment was interrupted when I heard Lina's voice leading the way down the stairs to the basement dressing area. I jumped away from Amelia and tried to look invisible, which was hard when there were just the two of us there. Amelia seemed more annoyed at Lina's entrance than at me. Before Lina could say anything, Amelia said loudly, "Thanks for the help, Zelgadiss. I don't know why they couldn't have just sewn in zippers like most dresses have."

Sylphiel knew and proceeded to explain how the beauty of the gown was in the details. Then she told us all about her part time work at the Seyruun General hospital. "But if I want to be a dietitian there, I have to get a license, which means _another_ year of school. I guess I could start next fall, but I was really just so glad to be done with school…"

Lina was glaring at me. "What?" I asked stupidly.

"Either you're a girl in a Zel disguise or you are in the wrong part of the dressing area, _Zel,_" Lina said. "I want outta this crappy dress and now!"

"Unless you plan to rip it apart, there are twenty-seven buttons that need unlatching first. I can do that for you if you ask nicely." I stood and matched her glare for glare.

"Okay, do it."

Nice enough, for Lina. "If you would hold on to your hair a minute...there...you...go. Who is next?"

"Better let Zel-bob do it," Filia said, pushing Sylphiel my way. "His fingers are_ daintier_ than mine."

I frowned and corrected her, "_Deft_ is the word you meant."

When I finished with Sylphiel's thirty-two buttons, Filia edged over. "Okay, Fingers Greywords do your stuff," she said with a smile. Our eyes met. I was sure that she was taller than me, or at least even. She most likely out-weighed me by ten pounds as well.

"Thirty-seven for you, Amazon woman," I retorted after loosening the last one.

"Now that your services are no longer needed, you may leave," Filia said. I had to leap sideways to avoid being side-swiped by her hair as she whipped around.

"Are they?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Are they, what?" Lina asked.

"No longer needed...my services," I know I was smirking at this point.

"I think... we can manage... from here... on... out," Lina replied in measured tones.

I took my leave, while my dignity was intact. Lina no longer made a swipe at me, but she had her ways. Val said it was because we got her that car for graduation that she was mellowing out, but I thought at the time that it was something else. Maturity, possibly.

So, how was that? Proof enough that I was not some **a**sexual, nerd weirdo all the time? That I was just as much a pervert as Xelloss or Val? At least in my head. I didn't act on every impulse like they did, just a few. My first sexual experiences were, well, lame. Crippled by my self-imposed disgust, my loathing of my own body had much to do with it. I got past that, as the mechanical part of sex is pretty much automatic for a guy. I couldn't have cared less what my partner at the time felt. I got past the moral issues since I knew the fan girls with whom I was consorting really didn't know me or love me either, that it was all superficial and point-scoring on their part anyway. It allowed me to justify meaningless sex as...well...just that. I wasn't looking for true love or a life mate in those girls—or in any girl. Yeah, I was a real catch, wasn't I?

After Xelloss had moved out of his room in our house, we needed someone to fill the void. Gourry was our first choice and funny, he was eager to leave his full nest at home and coop up with Val and me. I was glad. I couldn't tell anyone how much I missed having my best friend around to talk to. Yeah, Val still had a room which he seldom occupied...but I was lonelier than I would ever admit.

Val was at the Art Institute of Seyruun or the clan settlement. He was also running out to his country club. But with increasing regularity, he was traveling out to the desert to look over his Ancient clan's territory.

Or on Slayers jobs… We were touring a lot that summer to promote our newest CDs. When we'd get back home a day or two, Gourry would continue to re-do Xelloss' old room to reflect his personality. We all hung out talking and all. It was nice, but I missed Xelloss' quirky individuality. Practice, gigs—my life was full and busy.

Gigs. Those were great. Huge, enthusiastic audiences everywhere we went. The pressure became so great for me to do a 'love' song that I finally broke down (all right, Lina twisted my arm) and sang one Xelloss helped me choose. It wasn't a sappy 'I need you' song. That would be too out of character for me to pull off. Instead, it was a 'loved her, lost her' type called, 'Two Time Loser', by his music mentor David Cassidy. I thought it fit him better, but Xelloss was married and happy at the time and he _hoped_ he'd have no use for it in the future. Plus I had established enough ego to want to branch out a little. So...it became mine.

I sang it first out at a beach resort we'd been to many times. As Val played his keyboard introduction behind me, I set aside my guitar on stage for the first time since the band had been created. The girls in the crowd began shrieking so loudly, I had to walk off stage and adjust my earplugs. Nevertheless, I made it back out, took up the microphone and gave it my best.

Oh and at the word **'baby'**, the screaming got so loud I don't know if anyone heard the rest of it:

"Baby, has it really been so long?  
Is my smile so distant?  
I can feel there's something wrong.  
Mmm...all those lonely nights  
Was I a fool for you?"

I could have been singing the national anthem for all the audience cared. But I didn't. I dutifully sang the song to it's sappy end.

"...Through all those lonely nights,  
I sure was a fool for you!  
Through all those lonely nights  
I sure was ...a fool... for... you."

Both Amelia and Sylphiel were clapping and cheering me by the end. Lina and Xelloss were locked in some kind of visual eye-to-eye combat, until Filia pounded him on the shoulder and pointed my way. Was that song intended to hold a secret message from Xelloss to Lina? I sure as hell hoped not. Then, Lina broke into a smile and gave me a 'thumbs up.' All right, maybe I was just getting paranoid.

Xelloss pulled me aside and said I'd been terrific, 'Guess we had another crooner in the band...' that I'd done the song justice. I guess that made me especially pleased. Thus softened up, he asked if I might do him a favor.

"Uh, maybe but right now I want to ask one of Amelia before she sneaks out, so make it fast."

"Okay," he smiled, flicking a quick glance Amelia's way and then back to meet my carefully hooded eyes. "It's for Kiki, actually. I'm putting her in charge of a little music video company..."

"That's quite a job for a kid like her. You think she can handle it?" Meaning, I didn't and I thought he was rushing things.

"Oh, not just yet! After she graduates! She can take a few classes at the community college and then I think she'll be ready. Anyway, what we need is a label one for the company...brochure...DVDs, you know. Something based on her and the little black kitten Amelia gave her, ah...Jiji."

"And...?"

"And I want you to do it! You are great at art stuff. Just think on it and come up with a few ideas and we'll talk later."

Then before I could object he pointed out, "Oh look, Amelia's on her way out the door. Better hurry to catch her before she's gone."

And I just sighed and ran in pursuit. When I caught up to her, I asked Amelia to let me drive her home, alone. I had driven up in my car especially to show her a secret of mine. I hoped that she would like it.

"Ummmm, it's been awhile since we've been alone, hasn't it, Zelgadiss?" she asked as she settled into the passenger seat.

"We've both been busy."

"I know. I wasn't blaming you." Her hand dropped motionless by my leg.

I thought it looked lonely resting there, so I freed up a hand from the wheel and let it join hers. I didn't mind the contact with her; it connected me with my humanity. I smiled her way briefly. After awhile, I pulled to the side of the road and stopped the car. "This is it."

"It is? It's a nice view of the ocean."

"Come with me."

I led her around the property, then back to the high-up, ocean-scape viewpoint. "What is this for?" she asked.

"Ah, I thought I'd build a house here. We all like to come here so much and I wanted a place we...ah, I could always count on."

Her face glowed, "A beach house! What a great idea! Do you have plans already? A builder?"

"Gourry and his dad are in charge. Would you like to see the plans? I could use a few ideas..."

Amelia helped me spread out the sheets of drawings and pin them down with rocks. We poured over each room in detail.

"The kitchen range and cutting table open out into a lower living room, see? The living room runs the most of width of the house; the master bedroom takes up the remainder. Bathrooms and three other bedrooms line up on the road side."

"Plenty of room for visitors," she smiled. "The kitchen is very detailed."

"Yes, it's just the way I want it. I want to cook and see the ocean. "

"Then eat and see the ocean," she added.

"Then sleep and...see it too," I blushed because I wasn't thinking about sleeping at all. And I knew she had guessed what was on my mind, because she was blushing too.

"When will it be done?"

"A few months, but I have to finish these first," I said, smoothing out a wrinkle on the plans.

Amelia pointed out one or two changes, improved the window placements, and suggested where to put a wide deck and boardwalk from front to back. Car parking and outdoor showers were added before we called it 'completed'.

"To thank you for all your help, I'd like to take you to dinner," I told her.

"I'd like that very much. I'll need to call home and let daddy know that I'll be later getting back than I thought. By the time we eat, it will be late."

I nodded and stepped away for her to make her call. I folded up the plans and rolled them tightly to fit inside their mailing cylinder. "Everything all right?"

She nodded brightly, "As long as I check in, he doesn't worry. Let's go someplace casual."

We found a place serving baskets of cracked crabs to dissect and dip into pots of melted butter. That part was really good, but the salads were only so-so.

"What's the matter?" Amelia asked as we sat in my car, ready to leave for Seyruun, but going nowhere fast.

"Starter, dead battery, hell-if-I-know," I snapped, irritated that my car was failing me and that I was incompetent to fix or even figure out what was wrong with it. "It won't start!" I slumped my forehead onto the steering wheel in frustration.

"Shouldn't we call for help?" she asked.

That was reasonable, but my male ego said, "No, damnit! I should be able to fix this all on my own!" I slowly straightened and met her earnest expression with a smirk, "You think the 24 hour, Sunday night car starter service is open? We are stuck here tonight. Come on, let's see if there's a place we can stay...walking distance."

If I had hurt her feelings with my abruptness, I was oblivious at the time.

"Oh!" Amelia cried out. Gamely, she followed me back into the restaurant from which we'd just exited. "I'll see about a place to stay."

I left on my own errand to find a garage with a towing service.

We regrouped a few minutes later. All right, so my karma was just kicking in. I got to thinking, if I played my cards right, there was a chance that the evening would become a real winner. "I can leave my car here for the night. The owner's friend runs the local car repair shop and he'll come look it over in the morning," I told Amelia. "In the meantime, what did you get us?"

Amelia smiled _slyly_. All right, so I thought it was 'sly', although a sudden awakening of my desire to touch her was altering my brain functioning so that it may not have been a 'sly' glance. I was so adept at reading girls' intentions at this stage in my life.

On second thought…

Too, late, she was shouting over her shoulder as she left, "Out the back door. We have cottage number 9. A cancellation! Aren't we lucky?"

Well, _I_ for one felt lucky. Which was too bad, since actually, in retrospect, it had been more of a 'shy' smile. Yes, had anyone been watching, they would have thought that Amelia looked uncomfortable and unsure, and they would have been right on the money. But not me. No, I was still stuck on that 'sly', knowing, come-hither smile beckoning me to follow, to follow to… room nine, was it?

"Ah, that's good then." I checked my watch-- a nervous habit. **I'm not really a time addict** like everyone seems to believe. The odds were in my favor this time! "You'd better call your father and let him know. He's not going to like it."

"Oh, he won't be too upset, if...he thinks Lina's along too. I didn't say it was just you and me going to dinner."

Not that I condoned lying to Phil, but... the deck was stacked in my favor tonight.

Amelia pulled out her cell phone and placed a call to Lina, "Hi, Miss Lina. Zelgadiss and I are stuck at the beach with a stalled car. Yeah, well, we got a place to stay the night but, you know...I gotta tell daddy and... You will? That's really terrific. Thanks loads! Okay, bye now!" She immediately placed another call to her father.

I didn't listen in on that call as we approached cabin #9. Instead, I scurried over to the ice machine to fill one of the empty buckets resting on the lid. Maybe grab a couple sodas for later? Now, all I had to do was play the hand the gods dealt me...

I didn't see her outside, so I pushed open the door to room #9 and stepped inside. "What is it, Amelia?"

"Zelgadiss, I..." she said as we stood alone in the rapidly shrinking room with one bed.

"I'm nervous as hell, Amelia, but," I began. I was confident of my playing skills up to this point, but I didn't want to come on too strong and give away my strengths.

Before I could finish that thought, Amelia broke in, "I think you should sleep on the floor. I'll give you a pillow and there are extra blankets in the coat closet. I checked."

"Huh?" _FLOOR!_ I checked my hand. Where did she pull out that ace? Whoa, karma! Stop! Check! I pass! I pass!

"I **_said_**," she said firmly, "Well, you heard me. I don't need to repeat myself, do I?" Her eyebrows furrowed slightly. "You weren't thinking that we'd be sharing that bed, were you?"

It wasn't so much a question as an accusation. Stupidly, I didn't notice that she was holding all the cards. "Well...it could be nice. It's not unreasonable to assume..."

Her eyes widened, and then narrowed dramatically. "Oh, Zelgadiss..."

"What? What's wrong?" My odds took a downhill spin.

When she shot a look at the door and said, "You didn't...You couldn't have..." I was really confused. Could the odds been stacked against me all along?

"What! What _could_ I have done? Amelia, so far all I've done is get us some ice." I held up the dripping bucket as exhibit A. "Hey, where are you going?"

"Give me your keys," she demanded.

"Why? They're no different from the ones you've got!"

"Not the room...your car keys!"

"My car keys...? Why? Amelia!" I was so mystified and not in a good way either. My eyes flickered over to the dresser top where I'd flung them, wondering if I could get them before she could. Damn, she was standing right by them! Her eyes followed mine to the aforementioned keys.

"I have a hunch!" she said as she snatched up my keys before I'd finished processing her words. She was out the door running the next instant.

_Hunch?_ I chased her to my car. "Amelia, why are you doing this? Honestly, you can't think that it just fixed itself while we..."

"Just a minute!" she yelled. Again, she twisted the key in the ignition, cranking it all the way and...nothing happened. "Humph!" she sniffed.

I reached enlightenment. "You thought..."

She slammed the door and marched back to cabin #9.

"You...you thought that I...?"

She stomped into the room and parked herself on the bed, leaving me to stand and fume.

I cleared my throat and added a bit more indignation to my frosty tone. She had it coming to her. "You thought that I FAKED my car not starting just...JUST so that I could _sleep_ with you?"

Warning...Warning...Girlfriend about to go ballistic. Alas, my sensitivity meter was set too low and was ignoring all the signs that my karma was kicking me in the ass.

"Do you mean..." Amelia began speaking slowly with the deliberation of the little engine that could, "… you think...I'm all… **hot**… to get into bed...with _you_!"

"Yes, after all," and here is where I went overboard and revealed my entire hand to be a bunch of mismatched low cards, a real loser in the making, "It _was_ you who climbed into _my_ bed naked that one time."

Amelia slammed down her cards, showing a f---ing-Ace-high-straight- flush, "A mistake, _for sure!_ You can bet I'll not do that again, _ever_!"

To which I tossed into the air the entire rest of the deck in my utter disillusionment, "No kidding!" Let the cards fall where they may!

I ended up on the floor, without a pillow, wrapped up in a nasty karma of my own making, with replays of 'poker for dummies' haunting my dreams all night long.

I wasn't enjoying the summer after that.

I did have some extra time on my hands I hadn't planned on, so I came up with a few great ideas for that company label for Xelloss and Kiki, one of which they liked and ...well...it's still in use to this day, called: Little Witch Videos.

What's that? Oh...right...oh, joy... Well, I've just gotten started here, so don't go away.

* * *

Note: 'Sure was a Fool for You' parts were taken from the song by David Cassidy. 

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Eleven.


	12. Feel My Heart Beat

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Twelve: Feel My Heart Beat**

"Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better." – Sydney J. Harris

**

* * *

Amelia and I didn't speak to one another for weeks. I wouldn't apologize for telling the truth (as I saw it). She wouldn't apologize for doubting my motives (whether she was basically right or not). Filia called us both 'idiots'. Gourry said we were acting like his squabbling siblings. What the others called me was not fit for print.**

It was Sylphiel, a really dear, kind friend I rarely appreciated, who brought us back together, our 'rancor driving her sensitivities to distraction'—as Lina put it. I brought a peace offering of freshly baked lavender cookies (Xelloss' suggestion), Amelia brought a fruit salad (her cook's creation, of course), and Sylphiel supplied the balm (lemon balm iced tea.) It was an uncomfortable party.

When Amelia excused herself to 'tidy up', Sylphiel confided in me. "She's hurting real bad, Zel. You really messed with her feelings."

"_I_ hurt _her_ feelings? She didn't trust _me_!"

"No, but, well...like that wasn't right on her part, but then what you said was harsh. It was like you just assumed you had the right to take advantage of the situation...of _her_! You weren't thinking about her feelings _at all_, Zelgadiss. Just _yours_. She wants to be appreciated, not lumped in with all your other _fan-tramps_."

"Fan...tramps...?" I grew defensive and swiftly put together a cutting argument. But before I could deliver it, I considered what Sylphiel had said. I could see how Amelia might have misconstrued my words to sound as if I simply assumed she wanted me as much as I wanted her, or more so! Was I neglecting to take her position into account?

"Taking her for granted, Zelgadiss," Sylphiel clarified as if she had been following my train of thought and caught me before I de-railed myself again. "I can tell you, that it's a terrible thing to do to someone. It's really hard on a girl's self-esteem."

A guy's too, I might add. Ah, well, guilty as charged.

When Amelia returned, I knew what I had to do; I just didn't know how to get started. So, I tried the straightforward approach. "I'm sorry, Amelia. I over stepped my bounds and being mad about my car was no excuse. Can you forget it ever happened?"

"I certainly _want_ to!" she said sympathetically and smiled. Gods that smile...how it lifted me off the ground! Forget rail transport; I was flying now.

Before we parted, Amelia approached me and asked if I'd like to come for dinner.

"Just you and your father?"

She smiled, "That's right. Think you can take it?"

"What time?" I asked, returning her smile.

"Seven-thirty-two, precisely."

My eyes widened as her smile became a little smirk. She could mock me, but I could take it. "Seven thirty, or thereabouts," I smiled warmly.

"That will do," she giggled, unable to imitate my combination swagger and cool persona any longer.

Part of the Mayor's mansion estate included a few acres of unimproved parkland which butted up to a small forest preserve. Amelia and I picked out a trail to a shaded outlook. It was after dinner, but hours from sundown on a searing hot late-on-a-fall day, when we reached our 'spot'.

"Look, there they are," Amelia whispered.

I followed her arm pointing toward the dry meadow. A small herd of deer, adult females and a mix of youths were taking turns eating and watching.

"Umm," I leaned back to rest my head in her lap. "Right on time."

The buzz of cicadas lulled me into a dreamy state. I could still hear the shrill cries of the gnat-eating swallows swooping low over the drying stream, then veering off toward their nests in the trees. Amelia had brought a book to read. She knew that sometimes what I liked best, what I needed most, was quiet. The out-of-doors and peace.

A short span of time passed. A cooling breeze stirred the hair over my eyes. "Was I asleep?"

"Yes. Feeling like picking flowers with me?" she asked while closing her book gently.

"Sure."

"The Queen Anne's Lace is pretty with the poppies," she said. "Oh, look over there, pink flowers."

"That's a variety of vetch, ah...wild pea. Would you like some?" She did and I played the gallant retriever for her.

I found a stand of dark blue cornflowers, all on my own, picked three long stems, and handed them to her, "These match your eyes."

The delicate flush of pink on her cheeks, contrasted beautifully with the windblown strands of her dark hair, and then her big, honest eyes opened, "Really? Oh, how pretty! Thank you."

I wanted to kiss her and hold her and...I blushed at the thoughts I had of what I like to be doing with her. She seemed too special to ruin with such base thoughts, the kind that got me into so much trouble with her before. I still wasn't certain how to act around her, girls in general. Sometimes she would practically attack me and other times I felt like I was the one trying to man-handle her. I sighed.

This time she did let me kiss her, there in the late-summer sunshine, in the tall grass with the swallows and cicadas and the foraging deer as the sun dropped low on the horizon.

I hated to spoil that special moment with words, but they had to be said. "I'm sorry, Amelia. I will never take you for granted again. I'm really bad at this, but when you look at me like you believe I can be a better person, then I believe in me too."

"I'll never stop believing in you, Zelgadiss. I promise." Then she punched my arm. "But you'd better not forget _your_ promise. I _deserve_ that."

I held her, squeezing her into my chest hard enough to leave an imprint. "All right," was all I could manage to say. I hoped she knew how much I meant it, because my throat hurt from the strain of holding back tears and I couldn't say anything more. What if I had lost this precious friendship I had with Amelia?

When classes resumed a week later, I was beginning what would be my third year, Lina her second, and Filia her first at Seyruun University. Val returned for his second year at the Seyruun Art Institute, which surprised me some. I hadn't thought he would stick with it; he certainly didn't need to pursue college for work purposes. When pressed once in a weak moment he confessed that, "I think my real mom and dad would have wanted me to do this, woulda given me the chance. So, maybe it's for them. Hey, I gotta do somethun, dude!"

Amelia was enduring her last year of high school, well, she was loving it. It was I who had dreaded high school. High school had been the first time I'd returned to school full time since my disfiguring accident I knew I looked like a freak and kids were cruel. Being an unsure teenager with all the associated maturation problems was only compounded by my appearance. If it hadn't been for Lina...and then Xelloss and the rest of the gang... Well, I won't think about that. In any case, Amelia had her last year of high school to complete.

Sylphiel took everyone's advice and enrolled in the community college's one year program to get her dietitian's license. She still had her 'kimono' business to fall back on, if she wanted to keep it up.

I buried myself in my work at school to try and get back some amount of normalcy in my life. I was going to go to medical school, I decided, or not. I wasn't entirely sure yet. Maybe research; that would keep me busy. Maybe I'd discover an instant, magical cure for my hair and skin. Xelloss was going to go through hell for his. You see, shortly after he was married, Xelloss dropped by to tell me that he was going to (that is, his new mate-for-life was making him) do 'something' about his scars and asked me to go with him to the hospital. I thought it was his wife's place, but he was asking me so I agreed.

Luckily, it was early enough in the fall quarter that I had plenty of time to fulfill my promise to him. I was there when they prepped him and put him under. He was miserably terrified. I wondered if I could undergo such torture to please some woman, and decided, no, I could not. But Xelloss did and he went back for more and more and more until finally I told him he was good enough. No woman could ask for more, or should. If I ever became a doctor, I knew I would never be able to face putting another human being through...that, just for cosmetic reasons.

By then, my 20th birthday had just passed and Xelloss' 21st was a month away, but more importantly... Amelia's was on the near horizon.

Amelia's 18th birthday with me at new beach house didn't turn out as I had planned. So, what does? First, her birthday landed in the middle of the week and her father said she had to get her homework done and she didn't because she'd gone out to celebrate after school with some friends (read that as: a bunch of guys.) I could wait until the weekend, no problem.

When I told her it would be either a very long day or an overnight (my wish), she replied, "Oh? Who else is coming?"

"Just you and me. For your birthday."

"All day?"

"It could be night too..."

I knew I was pushing it, but I had been planning this for sometime.

"Daddy won't let me...overnight, Zelgadiss, you know that. And the car can't break down again or he'll never believe anything we tell him. It will have to be the day."

"All right." I knew Phil wouldn't just _let_ his newly-turned 18-year-old daughter loose with me on an overnight to my private, secluded beach house. Phil puts the 'Dom' into domineering You know the kind, the parents who don't let their high school daughters swill alcohol, run around with boys who smoke cigarettes or, gasp, dally in drugs, or even leave the house without a sweater. However, always the optimist (don't choke on your spit) that I was, I had asked her anyway.

So... day it was.

I drove and we listened to music on the way. We found the newly finished beach house and I led her in.

"Oh, the views are everything I thought they'd be! What a wonderful place, Zelgadiss."

"Would you like lunch first or a stroll on the beach?" I asked. "The refrigerator is stocked."

"Eat!" Amelia cheered. She was nearly the eater that Lina was, but daintier...possibly.

I made sandwiches, served some potato salad, and offered her sorbet for dessert.

"No birthday cake?"

"Later, when I give you my present."

That seemed to suit her fancy, so she inhaled the icy treat and suggested that walk.

I stuffed the shells and rocks she was determined to collect into my cargo pants' pockets until they were starting to get too heavy and pull down my pants. Since it was December, the weather wasn't great either, so I knew our walk wouldn't last long. It wasn't raining when we started out, but the wind was cold and wet and the beach cluttered with flotsam from the previous evening's storm. When the mist turned heavier and progressed to droplets of rain, I suggested that we turn back. We had to run at that. I took the liberty to jettison a couple pounds of the rocks along the way.

So far so good.

"We're both drenched and cold. A warm fire and hot drink is what we need," Amelia said first thing in the door.

"How about a hot bath, then the drink by the fire?" I suggested.

"Okay, that sounds even better."

We had hung up our coats and taken off our sandy, wet shoes and socks at the door. "This way," I put an arm over her shoulders and led her to the master suite.

When we stopped at the bathroom entry, Amelia asked, "Together?"

Gods, yes! "Would you like that? I would, but I wouldn't want to presume..."

She nodded, looking down.

My heart leaped, really! It took off at an alarming pace. "I-I'll fill the tub. There's a Jacuzzi and we can soak until we're warm, if you want to."

When I turned around, she was undressed and wrapped in a towel.

"You first, while I...ah...get out of these wet clothes." I didn't turn to watch as she stepped into the water. I wanted her to trust that I was...I don't know exactly, but not too eager.

She however stared at me as I got in. "Ah...hot..." I gasped. I hadn't much fat to insulate me from the heat.

"Ummmm, wonderful," she said with her head back and eyes closed.

"You mean me, or the water?"

She opened her eyes to catch my smile. "Both."

The tub was large and we were sitting as far apart as possible.

"Can I hold you?" I asked. See? I wasn't taking anything for granted this time.

She nodded and I moved so quickly I sloshed water out onto the floor. "Oops..."

There is absolutely nothing softer than Amelia. As I slipped her onto my lap and kissed her lips I was truly lost in the sensuality of the moment. I felt her hand move over my chest and I nearly passed out. Maybe she noticed; her hand paused over my heart. I was blushing so heatedly that I could feel my earlobes throb.

"It's beating fast," she whispered.

"Ah, yeah." I agreed. She noticed that, did she?

"So's mine, see?" she asked as she moved one of my hands from her shoulder to place it over her heart. "Isn't it?"

I looked down and saw my hand over her breast and my head started to swim.

"Zelgadiss? Zelgadiss! Zel..."

Yes, my big romantic moment and I hyperventilated into a swoon. Lucky for me Amelia held up my head and saved me from drowning myself. I blinked when I felt a spray of refreshingly cold water on my face. She was sprinkling me with the shower turned to 'cool'.

"At last, you're okay! I think you overheated in this water. While you can, let's get out and cuddle up by the fire," she smiled.

Now, wasn't she nice? I was so damned mortified that I had this overwhelming desire to skip and run, which passed instantly when I realized that she was standing naked and reaching out with an arm to steady me as I stood. That was too beautiful a picture to leave for any stupid reason.

"All right. I think you're right about the hot water, but..." I clasped her to me, "You...are so lovely...it took my breath away."

"Um, what a romantic!" she giggled. "Put on a towel and let's see how many pairs of sweat clothes you have here."

The beautiful view was now hidden beneath a towel, and soon by a set of grey sweat pants and grey t-shirt, my size but which fit her well, from the dresser of dozens, as she had guessed. I made us hot chocolate, without the rum I had considered putting in it, but with a dollop of whipped cream and a dusting of mint-flavored cocoa instead. And so by the fire, we snuggled together and played a game of checkers, which I won, and we talked about things and argued politics, which she won.

"Is it time for cake yet?" she asked.

"It could be...all right, it is. I'll be right back."

I had baked a small chocolate decadence cake, which was decorated with dark chocolate curls amid 18 candles. I lit them, and then carried the cake to her. And yes, I even sang that silly song, because she loved the entire tradition. She made a wish and blew out the candles.

"I'll get the sauce..." I was up and out again. Forks, sauce and napkins—we could share the plate and just destroy the cake together.

"Tell me again what's in this?" she sighed.

"Well, about a pound of semisweet chocolate chips, 1 ounce of unsweetened chocolate, 1 1/2 cups butter, about 2 cups of sugar, water...let's see...7 eggs and 2 cups of whipped cream." I noticed her eyes dilate and smiled, "It's not diet fare."

"It's so good..." she licked at the sauce some more, "and this?"

"Raspberries, I had to use frozen this time of year of course, sugar and some berry liqueur, but not much!"

"I'll say it isn't! Oh well... Gooood," she licked her lips. "You get a kiss for that!"

I took full advantage of my opportunity and kissed her for a long time, long and deep. She tasted like chocolate raspberries, but I suppose I did too.

"My gift?" she asked breaking away.

"You mean that kiss wasn't enough? You want more?" I laughed.

"It was... good enough..."

I kissed her again, and stopped myself a fraction of a second before I patted her on the head. It was a gesture I did out of habit, living with a doting dog and, for a moment there, she was panting and smiling like Beast. I know, not a very nice vision for you, but I loved my dog, too, romantic guy that I was. "I'll be right back."

I set the tiny box on her head, where it slid off onto the floor. "Oooh!" she giggled and tore off the ribbon. "Earrings...sapphires...oh...my...Zelgadiss..."

"Do...you like them? I know it's your favorite color," but one could never tell...

She melted into my arms like a chocolate curl on my tongue. "Absolutely the best birthday ever. The whole day. These...put them in?"

I had never done such a thing before. It was oddly intimate, guiding the wires through each ear and attaching the backs. Her hand returned to my chest. "It's beating fast again."

I tentatively, at first, slipped my hand beneath her t-shirt and touched her. "Y-Yours too." My hand was shaking.

"Do you feel me inside your heart, too?" she asked.

I nodded, not wishing to say what I was feeling even more surely.

She continued, "It's like we're racing to catch up with one another. Do you...?" She paused, waiting for my eyes to come into focus with hers. "...think we're moving too fast?"

NOOOOOOO! I removed my hand reluctantly from her skin, missing the warmth immediately. "How about you?" I asked. I was not going to blow it this time and make her mad, and end a perfectly good day in a fight.

"I...am..."

"Do you feel rushed? Amelia, I can't hide how you make me feel; I'm sure you noticed."

That made her blush. "I want more, but I don't..." she sighed.

"Then, let's just kiss and put off the rest of your birthday gift until you do," I said smoothly, although I wished I was bolder. "I want to show you how—"

"You just did, show me how much you cared about me, by not pushing sex when I know you've wanted more for a long time."

Her honesty startled me, so I just nodded.

"Anyway, with the storm going on out there, you'll have to drive especially slow to be super safe. And it's time, you know, to go. So we're not late. There will be other times."

I really, really wished that could be as aggressive as Val or as seductive as Xelloss could be toward Amelia. They would have had her in bed in no time, had they been in my shoes, or sweatpants, or my head anyway. But it was just me in there with her, picking up our wet clothes, stuffing them in a plastic bag, taking out the garbage, shutting and locking the door. I guess I really did care more about how she felt around me, and for me, than I had guessed.

When I walked her up to the door to the Mayor's mansion and the security lights snapped on, I didn't flinch. I did when she pressed her hand over my heart for the third time that day. "You do it too," she told me. "It's our signal."

"All right, but what does it mean, I mean...exactly...that is, to you? Um, to me it means... You excite me and I'm going to pass out if you're not careful."

She giggled, "I feel you in my heart. You are in mine...and I am in yours."

"Oh, that too," I blushed, but she was flushed as well.

"Good night, Zelgadiss. I had a wonderful birthday celebration and thank you for the lovely earrings."

"Good night, Amelia. It was my pleasure." And it was.

Sure, it hadn't been the hot night of sex I had dreamed of, _planned_ on for months, but it wasn't so bad either. We were still friends at least. All right, more than that; after all, I had a bit of Amelia in my heart.

Later that month, I called Xelloss to wish him a happy 21st birthday. He and his wife were going to Greece where it would warm and lovely. I said...thanks...I'll just stay and enjoy the cold and wet...so long... _Antio!_

The rest of winter and spring were mostly spent doing homework and playing with the band or recording with the band. We, Lina and I in particular, decided that the band should play at Amelia's graduation party, although Amelia wouldn't have to sing much. We'd get Nahga, Martina, and Hitomi to substitute so she could run around and have fun with her classmates. The other's approved and Amelia loved the idea when I first suggested it, so much so that I was reluctant to tell her that it was not just my idea, but that Lina had had a hand in it as well. Me being the bearer of good news, however, meant that she lavished me with the praise I deserved... heh, heh. She didn't care what infinitesimal part Lina played in the idea, she said, and rewarded me with a kiss or two in private.

When her June graduation arrived, Amelia excitedly invited the entire graduating class. Possibly. It looked that way to me. They filled the gardens and patios of the Mayor's mansion. The party was fine, lots of food and happy spirited youths. One thing was for sure, I felt a generation apart from those kids. I was twenty, beginning my fourth year of college in fall with plans to start an early entrance program for medical school by next summer. I had finally made my decision about what to do. I was mulling that over when a movement by the back door snagged my attention.

At the same time, a motion from Gourry reminded me that, "Zel, we're waitin' for you to start off the song."

I snapped my head around, caught the eye of Zolf, and then began the instrumental introduction to whichever song the band was queued up for, but I was still bothered by what I'd seen.

Zolf and Rodimus were still with us as road manager, sound manager, and security detail. After the musical fiasco, they had left the CIA for good and remained part of our entourage. I mention this because they were a part of nearly all of our band activities, and despite the age differences between them and us, they were like family. In fact, one of them was going to become family, but we didn't know that at the time. Nobody did.

Amelia was thrilled and jubilant nearly all evening. I hardly got a chance to congratulate her, she was so busy, and so was I, with the band and all. The 'and all' being Nahga's grand entrance. Poor Nahga. She always wanted to be the star, the center of attention, but that was Lina's role. She and Lina had been friends and clubbers before Lina and Amelia became best friends, so Nahga had her chance to get in on Lina's charmed existence. She might have become one of the Slayers. On second thought, she might have killed the band formation right from the start, had Lina not had a more serious attitude about her school work and had I not had such a profound influence on her. Yeah, me. Lina and Nahga were running around wild, until my accident. Oh, they still did stuff together, but when Lina starting spending more time 'nursing' and entertaining me, I think I had a sobering impact on her. That plus, Nahga got herself into real trouble, the kind that made Luna suspend Lina's freedom. By her second year of high school, Lina had all but dropped Nahga's friendship.

Nahga had a drinking problem. That was no secret. She was also fun loving and a free spirit. Very attractive to guys like Val. That's why after he stopped dating Filia, we all assumed that Val would get himself involved with Nahga immediately. And he did. But professionally. He was helping to develop health resort and spa with Nahga someplace out in the Ancient Clan badlands. And for the longest time, this kept her busy. I would have thought that it was enough, but it wasn't for a woman like Nahga. She needed a man, and that would send her into drinking binges when things went sour. Luckily, this was a rare occurrence. Unfortunately, she had been in a low spot for a month and Amelia's cheerful graduation party was too much for her.

The moment I spotted Nahga exit the back door of the mansion, I could tell we were in for some trouble, and it wasn't fair to Amelia to have her party spoiled. Which gets me back to our security friends. Zolf and I had established the same kind of mental communication skills that I had with Gourry. The volume of noise at one of our concerts and my earplugs necessitated it. I saw Nahga steadying herself with a grip on a neatly manicured shrub, and then frantically looking about for help. I had my hands full of guitar riff at the time. Rolf and I mind-melded over the span of microseconds and in a flash, he was magically at her side. In even less time, he had an arm load of tottering girl. Good thing he was a tall man, because Nahga was no light-weight shrimp.

And that was the last I saw of her for the evening. Of him too. We were so thankful to have Nahga so expediently and completely removed from the scene that we didn't bother to follow up on its resolution. We found out later.

Summer began with our usual band break, although we didn't all take the time off together. Xelloss, I was sad to find out later, was spending it alone. He didn't confide in any of us, me in particular, I think, that his marriage was falling apart and that he had been kicked out of their downtown townhouse after being handed a formal separation notice. I wouldn't learn about this until fall and for the first time since we had become best friends, mine was not the shoulder that he would cry on.

Val had been spending fewer and fewer weekends out at Filia's settlement. I knew that he and Filia weren't going out any longer and that it had been a mutual decision because they had remained close friends. Instead, he had been making frequent sorties out to his family homeland; sometimes with Nahga or Milgasia, other times just alone. At least, I thought he was going alone, but as I found out later, he also took Lina a few times. I must have made some snide comment to her, because on his next trip, he invited me. I didn't know until we stopped to pick up Lina that we were to be a small group heading out to his and Nahga's future spa site. Oh yes indeed... That's when I found out we were stopping for Nahga too. Then, who should pop out the door, bedroll and baggage in hand, but Amelia! Oh joy...

Don't get me wrong. I like Nahga. In tiny doses. Very tiny. A little Nahga goes a long way with me. An entire overnight experience...well, I was not pleased at the outset. Why? Well, I gave up my position as co-anchor at the van's front seat so that Nahga could sit there...so that Val could have Nahga's _full_ attention. But, it was Lina who hopped into the front passenger seat instead, leaving me to sit...yes, you guessed it... in-between the sisters of Seyruun.

Unfortunately, Amelia thought I had withdrawn from the world as a result of her company. Misunderstandings like that always happened with me. Everyone would think I was mad at them or disappointed in them, but it was not the case. Usually it was me I was upset with.

Nahga... She was a very friendly, loud, up-front kind of girl, who was somewhat pretentious, but overtly so, especially when it came to men. Which she liked. I wondered about the outcome had she ever managed to maneuver Xelloss into a dark corner. He must have had enough survival instincts to avoid intimate contact with her all those years, because I knew it had never happened.

"Don't be a grouch," Nahga goaded me, as she snuggled up far too close to me in the back seat.

"I'm not."

"You sure look like one. What's the matter? Lose an earring this morning?"

Actually...I had, but that was not my problem. "Just leave me alone," I grumbled, put on my head phones, and adjusted the volume of the CD player.

Next thing I knew, she was feeling me up; one hand moving along my thigh, the other tucking some of my hair out of the way, exposing the pointy tip of my nearest ear. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore her, thinking that surely she wouldn't do much else with her sister sitting right there.

Uh, right.

"Ummm... not an ounce of fat on you," she purred into my ear. "Ya know, this was a lot more fun when guys were wearing tight pants."

She emphasized her point by rubbing firmly over my crotch while driving her tongue into my ear. My eyes flew open and I jumped away, snatching at the nearest object for support. Of course, we were in a van and I had nowhere to go but into Amelia's lap.

"Oh!" she gasped.

My head banged against the inside of the van door, I grabbed at Amelia, unintentionally—this was all unintentional on my part, you understand, just reflexes-- and pulled her down with me, partially onto the floor. I could feel the car list to the side.

"Hey!" Val growled.

Next came Lina. "Damnit, Zel, I gave you more credit than this. Can't you wait to grope Amelia until you get someplace private?"

"I wasn't...I didn't..." I gave up. I had to settle for a sympathetic smile from Amelia and then we both untangled our limbs and returned to our seats, although this time she sat in the middle.

Nahga peered over Amelia's head at me, gave a little smirk, and then whispered, "Chicken!"

I sank lower into the seat to hide.

"Gods, I didn't know Z-bo blushed like that," Nahga continued to taunt me. "Hey, sissy, what did you do to the guy, anyway? He sure _seems_ interested! Oh, ho, ho, ho, hoooooooo!"

She may have been more explicit, I don't recall. Well I do, but I'm not repeating that here. I didn't listen to anything after that—just my CD.

We camped that night in a small one-room cabin. Two, counting the overhang on the front porch where Val and I slept. Sounds small? It was. The bathroom was an outhouse.

Lina was happy. Things like that didn't bother her. Sure, she liked her creature comforts, but she could rough it with the toughest; plus, she wasn't a whiner like Xelloss. Amelia was great at taking the difficulties that life dealt her and making few demands on others as well, well...on me anyway. She may have been treated like a princess in her fluffy pink room at the mayor's mansion, but she was a strong kid with a lot of gumption when she was out on the road. And Nahga, she was a party animal.

After I whipped up some dinner for everyone, Amelia offered to help me wash up. We carried the dishes and utensils to the kitchen sink, which was more of a tub with a spigot. Water was trucked in and in short supply. "Want to take a walk?" Amelia asked me.

I nodded and moved to tell the others when she clutched my arm. "I'll tell them. Meet me outside."

We had a nice stroll. The area was 'high' desert with a few windblown pine trees and clusters of desperate-looking, scrubby bushes.

Mostly there were rocks, boulders, and stones. "This place is great if you studying mineralogy," Amelia said.

"Bleak, I'd say, but Val told me it was spectacular in spring after it rains when flowers burst out from even the most unassuming twiggy growth."

"Like you," she surprised me. "When I first met you were awfully unreceptive and cold, but with a little nourishing love and kindness, you came out of yourself and flourished!"

"Ah..." I blushed.

"That's all right. That was a long time ago and we have all changed for the better, I think. Um...what a pretty view, don't you think?"

"Of you," was all I could think of to say. I felt very lucky to have a friend like Amelia. She was so much more approachable than Lina and open about how she felt. It made it easier for me to say heartfelt things and feel like a complete fool.

She laughed good-naturedly and we continued a quiet conversation about life in general. I gave her the benefit of my expertise on the plant life and ecology of the high desert and she told me about the hum-drum life at the old high school. She must have decided that this was not the time or place for fooling around, because we didn't. It was times like that which reinforced the strength of my admiration for Amelia, my princess. She was no harsh critic like Lina or Filia, or one to ignore life's odd events either, as Sylphiel did. She often leaped to the top of the obstacle heap and conquered. Well, she conquered my heart anyway. Unfortunately I know I wasn't very good at returning her openness, but she rarely complained. We just talked that evening, and then returned to the cabin for some singing around the ole campfire (we had hauled in our own firewood)—me on guitar.

After we went to sleep, the excitement began. Yeah, not the kind you're thinking of, I'm sure. Val and I were stretched out along the front porch, not so much for propriety's-sake but for comfort. That little cabin was far too small to hold us and the girls, with Nahga inside.

I heard the commotion in the cabin before it registered that something was amiss. "Lina, damnit, can't you just quietly find something to eat?" I wondered at the clamoring of dishware at the sink.

"Eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

The wail and subsequent screams from within the cabin resonated in my brain. It could have awoken the dead. But not Val.

"Get out! Get Ouuuuuut!" I heard Nahga's gentle voice roar over Lina's and Amelia's combined. "Out, damned beast!"

Val was here, sleeping, so who was she yelling at?

When I heard the pots and pans clanging and smashing, I roused myself to open the door, first reaching over Val's quiescent bedroll. I had the door part way ajar when a great weight hurtled past, slamming the door into my face and knocking me to the ground. Whatever it was (at the time I was seeing stars and dark) ran over Val, because I heard him roar out a volley of curse words.

When I came to my senses, Val was yanking me to my feet and pointing out into the great beyond only just now lit by the blush of the rising sun.

"See?" he shook me a little harder.

There was Nahga banging two pots together and running down the path leading to where we had parked the van. She was totally nude. I have to say, I had seen my share of naked-lady downloads before, but nothing...nothing compared with the real thing romping with energy and spirit in the wilderness. Nahga especially.

"Is it gone!" Amelia gasped in my ear.

"Uh..." I replied unable to speak or blink, even if I had wanted to.

Lina jabbed me in the ribs, "Did ya see where the bear went?"

"Bare..." Val echoed, but with a different meaning; at least I understood the subtle change in nuance.

Lina slapped him upside the head, "Yes, the damned bear that crawled in through the kitchen window looking for food. Big, dark, and smelly. Bear. You couldn't have missed it..."

She observed where our attention was riveted. "Oh, gods...Nahga..."

Amelia did also. She wrapped her arms around herself, "Oh, dear. I'd better find her a blanket or something."

And soon the show was over. Now, I'll bet you're thinking that there are no bears in the high desert region. You are right; there are not. It was somebody's escaped 'pet' out on the town. Unfortunately it was a small town of a single cabin, ours. But we all escaped unharmed; at least, I hoped I wasn't brain-damaged for good...

This story had one more twist before ending, though. Immediately on our return from the badlands camping trip, Zolf was waiting at the Mayor's to help us (that is, Nahga) unpack. I guess he missed her and in her absence he decided to act on his wildest impulses. Zolf and Nahga began a whirlwind love affair which lasted several months and ended in a tastefully executed wedding at the Mayor's Mansion. Truly, a fairytale ending.

Why did it seem that everyone else's life was so easy? Find girl, fall in love, get married, all is hunky-dory. Not for me. Find girl, get on fine, fight, make up, fight, make up, blow it again, make up... Everything is much, much more multifarious and complex for a guy like me. For some reason. Well, for a good reason! I hadn't been raised in a loving environment that was for certain, and what I had learned in psychology classes was how that had effected my ability to respond warmly with others. I had trouble 'reading' the cues others sent out and was adept at never revealing my innermost feelings when I didn't want them to show. I was getting better, Xelloss told me once. More than once. I had hugged my dad several times and had certainly shown Amelia how I felt on more than one occasion, but it didn't come naturally to me, like it did with both Xelloss and Amelia. So, I had a long road ahead to become a 'real human boy'. That was a Xelloss joke. He compared me to Pinocchio, only colder, as if I was a boy made out of stone who was turning to flesh slowly. I was about one third of the way there, he had said. Why was I thinking so much about Xelloss, I wondered? I must have been missing his presence at the time. He would have loved the 'bare' thing.

The band got back together and began another promotional tour, a highly successful and very rewarding one, for the CD we'd completed over the winter. And so ended another summer. I was learning to enjoy myself and truly relax now that we didn't have the fear of the syndicate breathing down our necks any more. We had Xelloss to thank for handling more and more of all that. His hardships he kept to himself. At least he tried to. I learned that he had been cut up in a knife attack when I drove him to see Dr. Adams for a dressing change. He had employed a significant security team to accompany him abroad as a result. Not to worry, he said. I told him that he wasn't my concern any more, now that he was married, and that was that.

I missed his telling wince in reply.

When fall began, it was for me my 4th and final year at SU. I had made my plans to attend medical school, a huge commitment. Generally most people graduate college at age 22 and medical school at 26. Then after 3 years of internship and residency, many physicians begin their career at age 29. The training for some specialties can then last until the physician's early to mid 30's. Obviously this level of devotion to work delays plans for marriage and starting a family; not a problem for me. At all. Plus, I was only 20, turning 21 in November, and because of my gifts (I hoped but never asked if my father being a professor had made a difference or if the fact that could pay for the entire education had made a bigger difference) I was admitted into the Seyruun Medical School's summer quick start program. I had to, of course, complete this year's classes.

Lina was beginning her third year at the old SU, while Filia was starting her second and Amelia was entering as a freshman. It was kinda fun all being here at the same time like that. Val was still continuing at the SAI; his third year in the arts. Sylphiel started work full-time as a dietitian at Seyruun General Hospital. Gourry was busy running his construction firm and making money. Xelloss, well at the time we didn't know it, but what had been a shaky marriage earlier in summer had deteriorated into his and Karly's separation by the fall.

I ran into Lina and Filia at the university the first week. Lina I saw on a regular basis, but this time she was drinking tea with Filia, who had just moved back into the dormitories on campus.

"What'sup?" Lina looked up at me.

"Not much," was my honest and usual reply. "How are your classes?" I directed at Filia.

"Like last year's but harder and with more homework and no one checking to see if I'm doing it."

I was concerned about her. Funny, I imagined her getting married and planting herbs at the settlement, not drifting as a humanities major here. "Do you have a roommate?"

She scrunched up her face, "Yes, don't get me started on her either. The less time we spend together the better. Have you heard from Val since the gig?"

"I thought he went back with you to do clan stuff." I knew that they were dating irregularly since he started at the art school, but neither one had said what was going on. I certainly was not going to interfere.

"No, Zel. He said he was going to his Ancient clan lands to do ren-oh-va-shun stuff," Lina corrected me. "I was paying attention."

"I was too; I just forgot."

"You never forget much, but you do get distracted," Lina ended with a smirk.

"Umm, was the little princess distracting you, Zel-bob?" Filia teased.

See the difference? Lina might imply, but Filia mocks. If Lina has a point to make and she deems it important enough, then she'll be direct. Like me. Lina and I were alike that way.

"He might have missed what was said when I pushed him out of the way to hear Val better," Lina said in my defense. "You gonna eat something? I wanna order now."

Situation diffused and over, nearly.

"You two deserve one another," Filia decided on the spot and meaning Lina and me. "Why don't you try dating one another?"

Lina, who was done placing her order with the waiter said, "Why bother? We see each other everyday as it is."

I agreed, adding that, "We are both too alike and indifferent at the same time, besides we haven't time or need for romance."

"Damned straight!" Lina pounded the table. "And bring out those chips ASAP!" she hollered to the waiter's receding back. "Romance leads to commitment which leads to noisy, needy kids—all of which I can do without. By the way, where should I take my Trailblazer for its check up?"

"Dealer. Maybe Xel...um... Val or I can pick you up when you drop it off. Let us know, all right?" I nearly added Xelloss to that list, but thought that it was best not to encourage their co-dependence. Even though he was married, I know that he would drop whatever he was doing to help out Lina. I couldn't believe that would be a healthy thing for his marriage to Karly.

"Yeah, thanks."

Food was delivered, bringing conversation to a dead halt. However, after the third deep sigh out of Lina, I had to ask, "What's the matter, Lina?"

Surprisingly, she told me, "My big sis...she and Julian are getting married."

"Oh, yeah!" Filia perked up. "Why how nice for her! I mean, she's nearly thirty. It's about time!

It was, but I couldn't help think that Luna's timing was poor. Their mother, Agent Linda Inverse had moved out of their house at the end of summer (which was probably why Val had asked Lina along to the cabin, or so I reasoned), which would mean Lina would be left alone to care for that big house.

Lina nodded, "I outta be happy for her, and I am really...deep inside, but...then I started thinking 'bout me. Where am I gonna live? She's gonna move out to the settlement full time, or the country club. Mom's been reassigned out of the area. That house is kinda big to be ... for one person."

That's when I knew Lina was afraid of being alone, totally alone. She looked vulnerable sitting there at the table. I also knew that, because he was a close friend and he made me privy to his innermost thoughts, Gourry was going to appeal to Lina for some kind of a relationship promise. With Xelloss married, and no one else in the running, Gourry recognized his turn had come. I also knew that, because she was a close friend and she made me privy to her innermost thoughts, Lina had absolutely no desire to get married, settle down, or even settle on dating a single guy in the foreseeable future. I hated knowing all that and not knowing what to say.

On the other hand, I did have a solution for the empty-house situation. "You could advertise for a roommate," I suggested.

"Yes! **_Me!_**" Filia shouted. "What about _me?_! I can't wait to move out of the dorms. I don't care about what the place looks like; I'm just as messy as you are. Plus, I cook...some."

"Done!" Lina laughed. "I can grab a burger for lunch if I want meat. That would be cool, Filia, but would your parents approve?"

"They'll be thrilled. I'll be closer to everyone. And they like that Gourry's folks, Rezo, and those cops..."

"Detectives Ryo and Dee..." I put in.

"Them, yeah—those guys are in the neighborhood."

And so, that is what happened. Luna moved out of her childhood home within the week and Filia moved in, making Lina happy as a clam, once again. I was helping them on moving day, nice guy that I was. Filia's bags had hardly been unpacked and her trash strewn about the house in a slovenly mix with Lina's, when Gourry called on Lina with an important question to ask. I left right after that, telling Gourry I'd see him later. He knew what I meant.

When we met at the pool hall later, I knew immediately what had transpired from the dejected look on his face: Lina was not going to date or marry Gourry. They were worlds apart bridged by the band and a long-term friendship which was wearing thin in many spots.

"It wasn't so much that she didn't want me...well it was...but I could understand that part," the broken-hearted man sighed. "It was _how_ she said it. Like...not even if I was the LAST man on the planet or something. I didn't think she'd be so hard..."

"Lina's...direct. She made it crystal-clear to Xelloss as well."

"She didn't say to him what she did to me, though."

"I don't know. She slammed the door in his face. That was unambiguous enough. He found himself someone else to marry."

"Yeah. It's just..." Gourry sighed again. "I never thought there'd hafta **be **someone else for me. Lina was there and she was what I wanted and that was that. I figured if I waited, she'd see I was what she wanted too. But...guess not."

He needed to get it all out so I said nothing and just listened.

"I waited like she wanted. I took her places. I got a good job with prospects. My parents love her; she was like family already! I mean, she turned down Xelloss, so it's not just the money she's after. I was good to her...for her. Can't she see that? What more could she want? Why aren't I good enough for her? What more _can_ she want, damnit all?" He pounded the table with a heavy fist causing the pool-balls to jiggle out of place.

I didn't have answers to all his questions. I don't think he would have wanted to listen to them if I did. "Did you ever ask _her_ that?"

He shook his head and sighed.

Maybe he was ready to pay attention to what I had to say now. I told him what I thought he needed to know. "I don't think she wants any one particular person in her life at this time. She's touchy about it too. Her sister, Xelloss...other friends getting married— it all puts pressure on her to conform, and Lina, well, she's definitely not about conformity."

That brought a smile to his face, "Nope, not our Lina." Another deep sigh and then, "I won't ask her again. I couldn't take...that rejection ever again. I'll always love her...but that will change, I guess."

I was glad to hear that he would not pursue her and assured him as best as I could that he was making the best decision. Just move on with his life, which he did. Take it slow, which he didn't.

A few months later, he and Sylphiel began seeing each other exclusively. So much for slow. I know the two of them had gone out occasionally in the past, but to suddenly eliminate all other possibilities seemed extreme to me.

I got this call one morning in late fall; Xelloss wanted a place to stay. His wife had filed for a divorce and he was upset, naturally. Unfortunately, he got me on the cell phone out in Sairaag. I had been roped into setting up sound equipment and maintaining computer links for Mayor Phil as he roamed the outlying areas of his 'realm'. Amelia's doing, of course, the roping part. He was handing out awards, shaking hands and meeting with the lesser gods—politics.

"Xelloss, if you want to take a cab, you can shore up at the Sairaag Hilton with us. Yes, I understand completely if you'd rather be alone. Sylphiel and Gourry are out of town with the Gabriev's. I've got a number somewhere where they can all be reached and a key. They wouldn't mind you crashing at their place for a few days. Too empty, huh...? Who? Filia is at Lina's. No... Oh, that's right. They're out at the settlement by now. Val is... right. All right. Listen, I'm really sorry to hear...right...later. Let me know where you end up. Bye." I knew he would end up back in Seyruun eventually.

Then after a grueling week of work, I barely made the drive home before collapsing onto the couch. I was looking forward to winter break. No Val in the house, yet. Gourry wouldn't be back for a few more days. Xelloss was no longer in residence. It was just me and my dog, Beast, who was ecstatic to see me. Mrs. Shearer had fed him while I was away, and he liked her, but I was his master. At least I had this one night to relax before having to get back into the grind the next morning at the university. I had had my cell phone batteries go dead in Sairaag. For some reason I had forgotten to pack my re-charger so I had to replace them. Which I neglected to do. After that, I got used to the quiet and simply forgot about it. Now, I figured, I'd best check for messages before falling asleep.

Big mistake. First, Lina had left a message telling me that Xelloss had been out 'wallowing in his succulence' at the settlement over Thanksgiving break and inquiring of me why I 'was not _there_ for him?' and then she said something sympathetic like...ah... Let me see if I can recall, something to the effect of 'You know how men like him are, they think all they want is a slutty little wife then when they realize that's not it, they dump'em and then think they'll be happy with their fast little car and their toys until they come home and find they're missing something warm, so they find a new girl to fire up their bed, then when that gets boring they run off again...' Well, something to that effect. That's how I knew she had an attachment for him still. She was pissed and taking it out on me. I deleted the smoking message without returning her call.

Next, Xelloss had called to tell me where his bachelor 'pad' could be found downtown. I called and chatted with Xelloss briefly. He seemed subdued but not depressed. We spoke long enough to decide that he'd survive, and then signed off.

Finally, there was a message from my father, reminding me that it was my birthday, or close to it, and that I was expected to show up at his place in...oh, of course...fifteen minutes from the time I was listening to the playback. I groaned and considered calling with my regrets, but you know 'the old man's not getting any younger', so I scraped myself off the couch, changed my shirt, and headed over.

Happy 21th birthday to me.

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Twelve.


	13. Setting it Straight

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-08

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Thirteen: Setting it Straight**

"It is a common enough case, that of a man being suddenly captivated by a woman nearly the opposite of his ideal." -- George Eliot

* * *

Later that December, Luna and Julian were wedded at the country club. They honeymooned on Wolfpack Island, courtesy of Xelloss' generous gift. Val turned over his share of the country club to Julian as his gift—a gift worth millions. This was kept a secret from everyone for a long time. I think Val didn't want everyone to know of his munificence for some reason. I found out only because he left the transfer papers lying around the house one day.

"It's not charity," he growled.

"I didn't think it was," I replied.

"Don't tell nobody, 'specially Fil and…guess that means Lina too. Let Luna tell'er if she wants."

"No problem. I won't mention it to anyone that you are such a soft touch!"

He grumbled and blustered a bit more, but it was his way of dealing with embarrassment, then asked, "Xelloss' birthday's comin' up and he's liable to be depressed, bein' alone and all. Wanna do somethin'?"

"We'll see." We agreed to make some plans and talk to him later.

Back at the wedding reception, Amelia was glaring at me, so was Lina when she paid me any heed. Again I was _person non grata_, for who-the-hell-knew what reason. All right, I forgot Amelia's Solstice party. That can happen! I was with my study group and time flew by. I got there as the last of the party goers were leaving. I did show up; didn't that count for something? And...I bought her a present, mind you! I had already dished out money for those birthday present earrings so this other one was simpler…a book, but a very good book…I thought. She hadn't even thanked me for it and you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape over that, did you? Besides, it wasn't really even a holiday I _ever_ celebrated. She knew that! Why, I didn't even _need_ to be invited. I _shouldn't_ have been invited. It was Lina's party for Amelia and her high school friends, so why should I have been expected to show up anyway?

They both had answers to these and other of my reasonable questions, not that I understood a word of their explanation. It was all on some feminine emotional level beyond my scope of comprehension. So, I was labeled 'rock-headed' and ignored. For a while. However, once we were done with the eating part of Luna's reception party, it was time for the dancing, and then I magically regained my visibility and humanity. Lina snagged my arm and commanded me to 'dance, fiend, dance!'

Amelia wanted to dance all night it seemed, with anyone but me until Val yanked me off Lina with a snarl, "Getcher own girl."

Val could be a real bitch, for a guy. You see, I _had_ had a girl to dance with and _he_ took her away. And Lina didn't even let out a squawk! Amelia was standing alone. I was standing alone. Then this girlie clan guy asked me to dance. That did it. I was going home!

I spun around and headed straight into Gourry's massive form which had stridden purposefully into my path.

"She just wants you to say yer sorry," he told me in his low resolute tone.

"For what? What did _I _do wrong?"

"The_ 'what'_ don't matter. Just _say_ it. _She _knows whatcha did wrong."

"Ah…" I sighed, defeated again. I was becoming such a wuss. "Fine."

Gourry headed me in the right direction and stood behind me just so I couldn't take off again. "Um…"

She looked at me. Oh how I wished that her lovely eyes were happy.

"Listen, I'm sorry, Amelia. It was an oversight and a thoughtless one. I should have called to say I was running late…" I looked askance at Gourry who simply nodded and moved off, leaving me to assume I was on the right course.

"It wasn't that…" she said to the leafless rose plant. "It was that book."

"The poetry? But I though you liked sonnets!"

"Sonnets? You thought those were…sonnets? Did you even read any of them?"

"Well, actually…no. Val chose several volumes which he recommended and I just picked one. It said 'sonnets' on the cover. Love sonnets! Exotic ones!"

At this point I was desperate. I was really trying, but I couldn't comprehend the conundrum. Then Amelia started to giggle…then laugh. Well, it was baffling, but an improvement.

"Tell me…?" I asked. Tell me_ something_ here!

She pulled my shoulders down and whispered into my ear, "They were _Erotic_ Love Poems, not_ exotic_. Very dirty."

I didn't know that! "Whaaa..? I didn't know…I must have misread the cover I was in a hurry and I trusted Val."

And she believed me.

I was so relieved that I lost myself in the good feelings of holding Amelia and dancing slowly to music I wasn't listening to and thanking the gods that the day was working out finally, that I ignored my other goofy friends. Although, I did wonder what Val was planning to do with that book of poetry. Did he give the other one, the one I'm certain he meant for me to give to Amelia, to someone thinking that he was sharing erotica? It was a fleeting thought, but had I followed up on it I would have been in on something interesting. The upshot of it being that, you never know all the ramifications of an action, try as you like.

I had meant to sort out Xelloss' birthday with Val, but funny thing, it was Xelloss who called me first. He just wanted to say that he was going off-continent for a few days with Filia. He hoped he could continue to 'distract' Filia from her recent breakup with Brad-somebody, while doing the same for himself. As much as I wanted to find out what was going on with him I also wanted to let him know that I thought Filia was an odd choice of friends to go roving with, but then, it was beneficial having someone else take over 'saving Xelloss' for a change. And so, I wished him a fair journey and said good bye.

A very little time passed before I had reason to regret the sanctioning of his trip with such blithe disregard of the possible consequences. Xelloss dropped by immediately after dropping Filia back at her home, and it was a disturbing conversation, to be sure. I thought he'd gone mad. He was going to seriously date Filia. He was worried about her. Her confidence was gone. No one wanted her. She had no direction...

"You think she'll feel any better about herself after going out on charity dates with you?" I asked him.

"Not _Chair-i-teee_," he emphasized Val-style with a dramatic sigh and falling onto my bed. "Real dates. I feel sparks when we're to-ge-ther."

I disregarded his stupid Val imitation and asked, "Are you sure you weren't seeing stars from one of her meat-tenderizer blows to the head, or perhaps you were feeling her barbed wit cutting into your delicate --?"

He cut me off. "It's rather fun, considering that she hardly spoke civilly to me in high school. Imagine me, class clown and geek-supreme dating the head cheerleader babe! And...she has the most _agreeable_ figure, quite curvaceous, you might say. A-aaaand, she's been awfully nice. You wouldn't understand."

Well, that was right. I didn't understand him. I understood perfectly well the part where he said she was built; I'd noticed that long ago. Also, I was wondering what movie he'd been watching lately. It was tainting his speech patterns, and therefore his mind.

"I've been trying so hard to find her the right Cephied Believer guy, but then to my surprise, I discovered that there was no one better than myself!"

"Oh, dear gods..." I moaned. "**Listen** (A deadly word, I know. The minute I said it his attention flew off someplace else), if you've been buying her stuff then you're crazy to think she cares for anything more than that. You know she likes to look good and you clean up right to her specifications, not to mention you feed her expensive tastes in entertainment and..."

And to prove that he had tuned me out, he broke in, "Of course, I haven't sifted through _all_ the clans. There are single males lurking around all over other settlements. Where do you think Milgasia kept his little black book?"

Whatever I said, it caused him to dance out of my room and waltz out the door. Later, I discovered that he actually sent an E-mail message to Milgasia. I gave up. Why did I even bother to try?

When February rolled around, the band played a Valentine gig without Xelloss. Joey filled in for him on the drums, but there was no replacing his vocals. As he promised, Xelloss called me from a different place each day where he was dissolving the syndicate and often turning over lucrative businesses to private individuals that he trusted—let me clarify that- He gave away _millions_ of dollars of his holdings! Xelloss was also working out regularly at the dojo. Sadly, I couldn't find time to join him. As much as I _sorely_ needed to, Xelloss claimed that he _desperately_ needed to stay in shape. I could only imagine why since I wasn't invited to any of his syndicate meetings, and without any firsthand knowledge, I couldn't attest to him being in harms way_ at that time_.

Filia, Sylphiel, Lina and Gourry took Val out to celebrate his 21st birthday right after the gig. I would have gone but I had to get back for a science lab and if I recall...Amelia had a test the next day so her father made her stay home and study. We had exchanged personal cards, Amelia and I, which contained silly poems that were far mushier than I was used to, but all that I could come up with at the time. And … ah… no erotica. I did not record the poems here either-- the presence or absence of suggestiveness having nothing to do with that decision. I was invited to dinner the next evening at Amelia's home with Phil and Kiki. Oh yeah, some fun _that_ was, but at least I didn't get into an argument, and Amelia was speaking to me by the end of the evening.

Anyway, late Valentine's night after my lab, Gourry and I drove Val out to the pool hall for a send off of our own. I really liked those two guys. It seemed like we'd been friends forever. I could no longer remember a time when we hadn't. It was at that time that Gourry confessed that he had fallen in love with Sylphiel. It wasn't like it had been with Lina; Sylphiel wasn't like Lina, but as Val said, "What girl was? There was only one Lina Inverse."

To whom, we all saluted with pool cues like crossed swords, "To Lina!"

Next thing I knew, Xelloss and _said Lina Inverse_ were embroiled in another one of Filia's love affairs gone for shit. The up side, assuming there was one, was that it wasn't with Xelloss; at least it wasn't at first. Lina and I met Filia and Xelloss, which was odd because he rarely met us at the university, for lunch-- although Lina was the only one ordering and eating anything at the time. When Xelloss walked off with a distraught Filia on his arm, I had a bad feeling. But it passed quickly. I was in a pleasant frame of mind. I had aced my last test. Nothing could bother me. I wouldn't let it.

For the next part, I already turned over this material to Filia, which she used already, but since it was the result of my actions solely I shall repeat with accuracy: (Although I know Filia will say she did the dirty work, I want it on record that it was my effort not hers which resulted in extracting a miniscule helping of the conversation details recorded below from Lina, details which I could not recall with crystal-clear perfection, but gathered after applying considerable pressure and coercion techniques at some cost to my person and at considerable risk of retribution from her at a later date— as if I believe that Lina's signature to some 'no fault' clause from a lawyer will protect me.)

"You have class in an hour," I called after Filia, but she only gave me some snotty reply and marched off to her own funeral.

"What do you think she meant by that snitty remark?" Lina asked me.

"I'm not sure, but I know that Xelloss has targeted Filia to be the new focus of his life."

"What!" Lina gasped nearly choking on her pizza. "Xelloss told you that? He wants to date...Filia? That's crazy!"

"Ah, yes...crazy– spelled X-e-double 'el'-o-double' esss'."

Unappreciative of my good humor, Lina snorted and pressed on"But she only dates clan guys now. She told me so! And if not smart about most things, she is smart enough to keep him at arm's length."

"Well, I guess he has his work cut out for him then," I sipped his tea and held back my smile and relishing the moment. I knew something Lina didn't know. "Actually, her arms are nearly as long as his—almost safe."

"Zel, it's futile! They will both end up fighting and hating each other and it will ruin the band in the end, just like... Ugh...Xelloss...! Why can't he pick on someone else? Anyone else?"

"_You_, perhaps? Are you feeling neglected, Lina?" I was not going to let Lina get away without making my point. Besides, I was carefree and brave, or careless and full of bravado. "He waited a long time for you. You can't expect him to wait forever. How long was it you told him? 'Ten years?' That sounded better than 'never' to him at the time, but in reality, he needs someone. Now. He really does." I set down my coffee and stared hard at my childhood friend. "He's a good man, Lina. He is doing good things with his life. Every ill-gotten dollar that he inherited, he has used to rebuild and transform some place or community into something better. And...he rarely leaves the Metallium name to be credited. Often it is done anonymously or in one of his splinter company names. He does not do it for his own ego boost. Do you know why? Do you?"

"You said it: he's a swell guy."

"He is, but that's not what motivates him. He does it to prove his worthiness...to you. He wants you to admire him. He wants you to fall in love with him, and tell him so."

Lina sat back and looked down at her hands. "I like him all right, more than most, but...if I told him a thing like that, he'd want more. He'd dedicate himself to me, smother me, and then want a commitment. And that...is not what I want, not now."

"He travels a lot; you'd get your space, if that's all that's holding you back. Hey! I'm not pushing this. You know me better than that, but you are both my closest friends so I I'm just letting you know that now is your chance– maybe your last."

"Last? What makes you think so?"

"Bringing us back to the start of our conversation," I said, pleased that I'd managed to bring us back around to it, while avoiding bloodshed. "Somehow, Filia has captured his attention. She wouldn't give him the time of day in high school, if you recall, and now she's leaning on him for support and guidance, the gods know to what end. He always said she was 'entertaining', but now she's has him spellbound."

"No kidding," Lina's expression became a smirk. "There's nothing to worry about, then. That's a romance with no future whatsoever. I can guarantee it! Filia's limited herself to clan guys– no exceptions. And Xelloss would be the exception to end _all_ exceptions! Besides, they have too much animosity and too much bad history. It won't work. I'm not worried."

I didn't believe a word of it. I knew Lina's ego required a certain level of veneration from all her friends; she thrived on it. Gourry's quick retreat and impulsive attachment to Sylphiel had shocked her. Xelloss' early marriage and countless dalliances had bothered her, I knew, so I could imagine that being passed over again had to disturb her. "Who told you about Dr. Chaferly?"

"What makes you think I didn't dig out the info on my own?" Lina retorted.

"Too much trouble."

Lina folded her arms across her chest. "Okay. It was Xelloss."

I nodded, "I thought so. Was what Xelloss said about the guy true?"

"Oh, yeah. The guy had the balls to confess and blame Filia for being a prude."

"Well, that's good. At least Xelloss wasn't making up that part to separate them. Now, think hard about this, Lina. After Brad, who was it that Filia turned to? Wasn't it you who told me she and Xelloss left for skiing over New Year's? Did you go along? No. I didn't go. None of the others went either. They went alone. Something changed then. Now, she's taken off with him again. Want to bet you won't be seeing your roommate for a few days...that's...until our next gig?"

Lina had to admit my logic was solid. "When did you become so wise, Zel?" (Yes, she really did say that.)

"About relationships, you mean? (Not that her statement needed any qualification.) Between Val and Xelloss, I have had a wealth of 'case in points' to study."

"Unsuccessful ones," she noted.

"Those are the most common."

"Aren't they indeed?" she smiled. "And time consuming."

"That's right, not to mention distracting."

"Yeah..." Lina's eyes went unfocused as she stared off into the distance at some unseen object. "Not that distractions are _all_ bad."

To which I had no shrewd reply, even I needed a distraction or two...now and then.

After that we talked about this and that then I left to purchase a few art supplies. Yes, I had agreed to let Xelloss hang a few of my pictures in some stupid gallery of his, but then I discovered that it was to be an entire show devoted to my work and at a very prestigious gallery, which he probably owned too. That meant I needed to produce a few more pieces and they had to be bigger, in color and well framed and in time for the show. Damn him anyway...He was happy to push out the date to '...say spring?' As if I didn't have enough others things to do!

Of course my supply list was on my computer at home and not printed out, so I returned to the snack shop and hooked into the wireless network there and checked my e-mail while I was at it. Something from Xelloss. He communicated regularly, but this had been sent this morning while I was in class. I wondered why he hadn't just told me about it an hour ago at the table? Oh...no... He what! Xelloss had purchased a shop for Filia, The Mace and Vase. Oh, joy... Good thing he hadn't told me or I would have blasted him for doing such an incredibly...kind-hearted, well-intentioned, but reckless thing. However, he probably had already figured that out for himself...and didn't care. I knew he couldn't really help it, but it just exasperated me to astral anxiety levels he couldn't even fathom, the way he could _and did_ fly off and do the most outrageous things without thinking through the consequences of his actions! And I couldn't really come down hard on the guy either, because I was certain he had meant well and it was too late to change things.

So, while Xelloss and Filia were beginning a new business venture, Gourry and Sylphiel announced their pending wedding. I hadn't expected it, although I should have as a consequence to Gourry's admission of 'love' to Val and me. I must have been as blind to the hearts of others as I was to my own, at times, because, although I knew they were dating exclusively, I assumed that nothing would develop. Sylphiel's interest in a man usually didn't last long, although for Gourry I guess it had been going on for years and could last. So, I was wrong. Their wedding was planned for June. They already had a place to move into. Gourry was eager to move into a small house he'd been fixing up for them and taking the next huge step in his life, without Lina.

Other than Xelloss' news and Gourry's engagement, I was out of the loop much of that spring while I was preparing for the art show. I became lost in my work, art, and the band for the next few months. Oh and Amelia, too. To have some time together, she agreed to sit dutifully for a portrait. We discussed the others and their romances; that is, she did and I mostly listened. She seemed to have a clear understanding of the female mind and heart and an overly simplified and far too 'pure' vision of what the male animal was all about.

"Opposites attract, I think it's true. Mr. Xelloss was just an immature boy who didn't know how to get past her defenses and get her to like him when they first met. Miss Filia was just fighting her attraction for Mr. Xelloss all along. You just can't do that forever, especially if he was treating her like a cherished gem. "

"Lina can and did," I put in for argument's sake.

"That's because Miss Lina and Mr. Xelloss aren't so very different. They are both impulsive, quick witted, and cunning—characteristics which do make a very successful partnership but not a loving home environment. Mr. Xelloss is too possessive and Miss Lina is too dismissive."

"Really?" I hadn't thought of them in that way, but Amelia was right. "And Filia and Xelloss, you think they have a chance then?"

"Yep! She is very family oriented and he would like to be. They both like physical closeness, not that they've been very forthcoming about it. They have been very circumspect in fact, but I have noticed them sneaking looks at one another and I saw him kiss her and she kissed back!"

I gave a snort, "Well I haven't. But that just makes it all about sex. You don't know him like I do, Amelia. He is very...active. She's just the challenge he needs for now. Once they...sleep together, that will be it. He'll be off looking for someone new."

She wrinkled up her nose.

I added, "Besides, she's an outdoor type and he is a city boy. They don't mesh that way."

"They _mesh_ in plenty of other ways," Amelia insisted. "But I have admit, they aren't as well matched as Mr. Gourry and Miss Sylphiel."

I sighed. All I ever talked about lately with my friends seemed to be their romantic lives. Amelia must have taken my sigh as one of agreement.

"I know. It's so sweet how Miss Sylphiel held onto her dream of marrying Mr. Gourry and made it came true. Just like a fairytale."

More of a _fractured_ fairytale. I wanted to point out that Sylphiel's waiting included _breaking_ Xelloss' heart and a _broken_ engagement along the way, but just then I wanted to capture a certain wistfulness that had settled on Amelia's face and put it to canvas.

It was a magic moment. Then it broke, "He can't be worse than you. Mr. Xelloss must think about more than _that_ with her."

"Worse than _me!_" I dropped my paintbrush. "Ugh...Amelia...you say the most...unexpected things at times."

I tried to hide it, but I was smiling. "I think about all kinds of things...anyway."

I certainly had thought about sleeping with Amelia, lots, but since that aborted attempt planned for her birthday, she hadn't given me another opportunity.

Then, before I felt ready at all, the night of the art exhibition had arrived. The entire Slayer's band attended this event, which was put on by- you guessed it- Xelloss, and which featured the work of the most undeserving of people, me. And what's more, he made me get all dressed up even though I thought I should look all untamed like one might expect the _au courant,_ _nouveau venu _artist about town, as he was labeling me. I had as much style and good taste as he did! However…he had more experience than I with these sorts of things, so I gave in. Oh, joy…

Val and Gourry were in tuxes too. They looked cool, I looked…nervous as hell. The girls all looked terrific. Even Lina wore a long dress, making me wonder what Xelloss had had to do for her to get her to agree to that.

"He'll be paying for that, I'll bet," I had said to Val.

He astonished me by confessing, "Not him, me. Fil, too. She took her out and chose the dress. I did the arm twistin', I paid."

"You? Why?"

"I knew she wanted ta dress up, but needed to look like she didn't so I played along and did the per-suaaaa-din'. Didn't kill me. Took her to some poetry readin' thing."

At which point I noticed that his voice was fading away. "Poetry… She made you read _your_ poetry at her monthly group meeting, didn't she?"

Val actually blushed furiously with embarrassment.

Further discussion was cut off when Xelloss grabbed a microphone to introduce me to the gathering. When I studied Xelloss all dressed up elegantly and softening up the crowd of art critics with carefully studied poise and professionalism, it was hard to believe that he was the same mental case I had been playing rock music with a week ago, much less the same schmuck I swore I'd kill if he ever stole my computer resources again, when he was only a teenager. I looked around, but could only see Filia's face, glowing with open admiration. So, it was true...

Then Amelia squeezed my hand, "He's introducing you now. Good luck!"

I can't recall what it was that I said to the gathering, but they chuckled at my jokes and it was over quickly. Xelloss continued his job as host, and introduced me to many of the critics, buyers, and a few other rising stars in the art world that must have owed him something big to have come to this. But it was thoughtfully carried out and gratifying when a few pieces sold.

When for a short time I was trapped by a pinch-faced, weasel-faced man who needed to know the secret of my hair color or he wouldn't let me go, I caught a flash of Amelia out the corner of an eye. Her hand was over her heart and a smile on her lips. I responded in kind. I don't think anyone else saw us, but even if they saw just her or me, they wouldn't have understood. And strangely, after doing so, I felt my confidence rise noticeably, enough to rid myself of the bonding fan.

"I was nearly killed in a chemical blast caused by an over zealous family member out to destroy all his relations. As a result, I was scarred for life and…" I paused, smiled at the man's ghastly expression, and then said, "All right, that's too absurd, I know. I'm part elf; just leave it at that."

"Oh, I see…" the man whispered as I directed his eyes to my pointed ears with a finger. "Well, t-thank you," he said and scurried off.

Xelloss had also wisely employed caterers for the event to continuously re-supply an overflowing banquet table and to pour drinks, providing Lina and Gourry with plenty of entertainment. Val and Sylphiel wandered together to poke fun at my pictures of them, probably, while Filia, I noticed, rarely left the protection of Xelloss' aura-- they seemed that close. It appeared to me that Filia had already made up her mind to drop out of college and go traveling with him. I couldn't imagine what her parents thought of all that. Would they even let her? I thought not.

All-in-all, it turned out to be a better evening than it had any right to be, and I had my best friend to thank for it. A really terrific guy, despite his faults—_in spite_ of all the personal obstacles he had to overcome, he always tried to come through for us, his friends. He had certainly come through for me. What an occasion it was! Thank you, Xelloss.

When June arrived, we had two band members finishing school. Filia finished her 3rd year at SU. She had only one more year to go, but...alas... she announced to all of us that she had quit college to work full time with Xelloss. I had nothing more to say on this topic which hadn't tirelessly been said before—they were both nuts.

The other graduate was Kiki, which because of her transferring from place to place and her loss of class time meant that she took an extra year to graduate from high school-- the year _after_ Amelia (get it straight now, Filia?)

Now, Filia couldn't get this part accurate, but I will. Amelia's high school graduation was in June _the year before_. It was after _Kiki's_ graduation that Sylphiel had set her wedding day, which turned out to coincide with Xelloss' first wedding date (which had been set for the same reason: to follow Sylphiel and Filia's graduation.) I am right about all this. Filia got Amelia's graduation confused with Kiki's. Not that I can understand how Filia could get Amelia and Kiki confused.

That said, the band gave Kiki a send-off at the Mayor's place, just as we had for Amelia, for which she was grateful. Kiki invited a select portion of her graduating class, which amounted to three-quarters of it, I guessed. Once again, the gardens and patios of the Mayor's mansion were filled to capacity with giggling, shouting, excited kids, or so they were looking to us. The party was fine, lots of food and happy spirited youths. Kiki was thrilled and jubilant nearly all evening. I hardly got a chance to congratulate her, she was so busy, and so was I, with the band and all.

Which gave me the chance to notice some strange interactions between the other band members...

Lina had been restless. Now she was insisting that she get to dance some too, so she got the band to play while she and Xelloss did their 'Sexy, Sexy' number – for the first time since before he was married. I backed and moved slightly to the side to accommodate the dancing in front, but it also accorded me a view of the back up singers. As Filia watched the show, I could tell she was affected, and not in a good way. It made me start to wonder, what was Lina up to this time? She and Filia were roommates; surely she was aware of Filia and Xelloss' growing attachment. Lina, of all people, knew better than to 'mess with the band'.

I called a 'break' following the song. Fearing to confront Lina first, I latched onto Xelloss like an annoying suckerfish until he agreed to speak privately with me a moment.

"Okay, Zelgadiss, what's got you in a meddling mood this time?"

Ignoring his irritable attitude, I pressed, "Are you aware that Lina's playing some game out there and that it's aimed at you or Filia, or _both of you?_ Or is it _you_ who's the tricky bastard who can't make up his mind _which_ woman to go after, or maybe you're trying to juggle _both of them?"_

His anger flared a moment, and then dampened out. "I-I don't know what's going on. I want a lover, but I don't know if _either_ Filia or Lina can be that for me. I'm not clan material enough for Filia. I'm too 'needy and demanding' for Lina, as she so delicately puts it; that is, if she actually has any honest deep feelings for me. But they are friends and they are women who are beautiful and they know me and like me and accept me and I like to be with them and they _sometimes_ like to be with me. I need them both and someone else, and no one exactly and …I'm so confused, I don't know what the hell to do. Ah, perhaps I do... some of that cake on a plate, for starters..."

And he took flight. Yep, that about summed it up.

With that 'success' under my belt, I searched out Filia. "Filia, before you and Xelloss take off again, I need to talk to you," I began.

"Oh? You do? Well, now's the time because he and I are leaving right after Sylphie's wedding and I've got a million things to do. So spill it."

As far as I was concerned, Xelloss and Filia made a disturbing couple. I knew he fancied himself in love. But she was enamored in a way I'd ever seen her before. They way they'd look at one another when the other wasn't watching. The admiration. Together they were stunning. And...I knew she would reject him sooner or later and it would kill him. I told her so.

Her eyes went all cool and steely, her voice brittle as she snapped, "Mind your own business, Zel-bob." She couldn't sink her claws into me, though, I was too tough, so she stalked off in search of softer prey.

Then there was Lina to consider, although I had no idea what to make of her situation, or if I even wanted to.

Val could see what I was doing and offered to give me a hand. "Let me talk to Lina and see what'sup."

I wasted no time considering the virtues of that, "Sure, thanks, go ahead. Good luck."

But aside from Xelloss, no one was willing to confide in me that night. I must have looked particularly sulky, because Amelia even avoided me.

One weekend later, Sylphiel and Gourry were married by her father in the Great White Shrine of Seyruun. It was a chance to wear that gray tuxedo from Xelloss' wedding ceremony again, but other than that I found no other positive aspect to the entire event. But that was me. It's not that I thought that either could do better, but that they both should be on their own a little longer before getting tied down. But…that was me.

This time I managed to get Xelloss to sit quietly long enough to reveal a little of what was going on in his head. Xelloss promised me that, "It is my intention to help Filia find a suitable clan life-mate whilst conducting business."

I decided that no matter what, it was time to invite him over to watch westerns or gangster movies or _something_ to get his head out of whatever stuffy shows he'd been watching. His affectations were tiring me out. Nevertheless, despite his grand ideals and highfaluting intentions, I knew _somehow_ that none of the poor clan guys Xelloss introduced to Filia would ever get her to the wedding altar. He was going to continue to lavish her with the 'finer things in life' in an attempt to impress her. It couldn't help but make an impact on Filia's mind, but was that the best way to turn around their I-can-just-barely-stand-you-no-actually-I-hate-you-but-I-can't-explain-why-I'm-attracted-to-you relationship?

Everything was happening so fast. Our band's two week break had arrived and Gourry and Sylphiel were off on their honeymoon and Xelloss and Filia were off traveling together. I began the early-start medical school program, just a couple classes with lots of reading over the summer. A head start on the upcoming year that would give me a real boost, if I could find the time to concentrate and get the work done.

When Xelloss and Filia returned to town, my worst fears were confirmed when I saw him sporting a bandage on his forehead. Filia had smashed a vase over his head.

"So was it all worth getting that?" I asked him.

"Oh, well up to the point where Filia discovered that I was chasing off her escorts, things were going well. Of course, that wasn't all intentional on my part. Was it my fault that they didn't want to have anything to do with a girl who hung around the current head of their despised syndicate?" he smiled, but it didn't last. "She wasn't particularly nice or forthcoming herself; to the other men, that is. I myself found her to be very engaging."

"So, what's the problem you called me about."

"Milgasia invited me out to his place. He told me to make a decision or move on... but I'm torn. As much as I'd like to make a relationship work with Filia, I don't want to leave my position in the shrine to become a clan-guy."

"A good decision on your part, Xelloss. Leave Filia alone and go busy yourself elsewhere."

He frowned. I guessed that I should temper that advice with kindness, so I gave it a try. "What you did was good for Filia—to learn about the world beyond the shelter of her settlement. And it was good for you too, wasn't it? You got a chance to show off your talents and do a good deed or two for the betterment of society."

His smile returned. "Thanks for noticing. I was really putting Filia's needs before mine the entire time."

"Good. You've given her a terrific new start in life, a career, now she needs to do a few things for herself, on her own. Let her. And you, do the same."

He took my golden words of guidance better the second time. And, it must have worked, because Xelloss joined Val and Gourry and me for a boys-night-out at the pool hall, something he hadn't done or had time for in years, although I hadn't intended him to take my suggestion about 'meeting his own men friends' so literally. When I said that, he laughed and told me he was taking a 'rest' from dating again. I guess I had some good influence on him after all.

Then another fall blew in, three years and five months after the musical was performed.

I was immersed full time in medical school and so busy I had practically no life. Why? Well, first of all, medical school is very difficult, even for a gifted guy like me. In order to get through medical school where everyone is dedicated to learning and everyone already has established excellent study skills, you must _retain_ every bit of the information presented to you-- not just memorize and forget it. And most importantly, success requires unparalleled time-management skills. Time is a luxury not to be wasted. You must do several things at once, but also learn when to take a break from it all. Like extreme, hyper-college.

For me, those breaks were few and often unplanned. I would find a chance to get away and need to do just that. However, my friends were also leading full lives of their own, and so they couldn't always drop what they were doing and accommodate me, which would be disappointing. When Amelia or someone else wasn't saving time for me on my schedule, then I'd get mad and we'd fight, and…well, it wasn't the best way to handle stress.

Most of my day would be filled with lectures, labs and small group activities. Some medical students ended up missing lectures because they'd fall behind in their studies. Our medical school had a note-taking service that transcribed lectures, which would then be distributed to everyone so that they could be reviewed at any time. Still, it was a bad thing to fall behind because once that happened it would lead to cramming for tests, and crammed material was forgotten quickly. Furthermore, the problem was not the difficulty of the subject material, it was the _volume_. It just kept on coming. My evenings were filled with many hours of studying-- the 1st year educating us about normal body functions including:

Anatomy - the science of the structure of the body and the relations of its parts (especially those that can be seen with the naked eye), and taught by lecture and dissection of a human cadaver;

Physiology - the science of the function of the body and its parts (and the chemical and physical steps involved);

Histology - the science of the cells and tissue on the microscopic level (microscopic anatomy);

Biochemistry - the science of the chemistry of the cells, tissue, and organs of the body;

Embryology - the science of the development of a human from its most immature form;

and Neuroanatomy - the anatomy of the nervous system.

I loved it all, except for what it was doing to my social life.

Lina was in her final undergraduate term at SU. She would begin her master's program there in winter; and so, was busy up to her ears in work, too. It was Amelia's second year at SU and she was overwhelmed at times with her workload. I knew she was busy, but I placed what I was doing higher on the importance scale and, well, you can see where we could have a few differences in opinion.

Also, it was Val's last year of Art College, with a huge final portfolio to complete hanging over his head at all times. Filia ran her Mace and Vase store and traveled constantly. Xelloss was doing syndicate duty and out of town most of the time. Gourry had work stacking up, a work force to manage-- all Xelloss-related, challenging, and lucrative.

Sylphiel…quit work and announced that she was pregnant. What can I say? I shall suspend all negative comments and move on.

So, when I would get a free moment and want some female attention, I'd call Amelia first. Often, she would be able to leave whatever she was already embroiled in and join me for dinner. But as the term marched on, as likely or not she couldn't. That would make me dissatisfied, frustrated and even more insistent that she make time for me. I told her that what I was doing was more important than whatever she was busy with and that I should come first. It was true.

Well, she didn't agree. _We had words_.

Then came a time when we had a fight that left her crying. I felt awful. I couldn't concentrate in class, so I skipped a lecture to find her and take her out to my sadly neglected beach house.

There, I apologized and we made up and made love together for the first time.

It was terrific. Well, _I_ wasn't, but the _occasion_ was. She was young and inexperienced and uncomfortable. I needed to let off a little steam, but really, it wasn't all that. I was grateful for everything she did for me, especially that. And, no, I will not write out the details of our private moments at the time. Those are for us to remember.

Oh, all right, just a little. What I know she wouldn't mind sharing. There was the roar of the ocean in the background. No music; we didn't need that. The sun was obscured by clouds, but it could have been going super-nova for all I cared or noticed. Amelia was the center of my nexus, sucking me in.

And we talked. Really talked. She understood my dream, to become a doctor, and supported me fully. But… I had to accept hers as well, to become a lawyer. Two professionals with overflowing schedules, could we survive it? Or should we give up and let the currents sweep us apart and out into that vast sea of strangers and take our chances? We were not sure. Not that_ day_. But that night we committed to try to hold onto our 'special' friendship a little while longer.

There aren't words to describe how I felt. There just aren't. Making love to a woman I was in love with (and yes…I told her so too. It went something like this: Amelia, I-I...I love you), was like nothing I had ever experienced. I was overwhelmed with joy and wants I couldn't express with just words—or so my rational mind thought.

Suddenly though, words started appearing, forming in my mouth, out of nowhere! They burst from my lips faster and hotter than kisses. I blurted out everything! I wanted her to marry me and have my babies and be there at home waiting for me when I got home. I did my best to tell her.

I was earnest, I'm sure, because she cried when she turned me down.

"I-I can't!" her voice was shrill. "Oh, Zelgadiss, I've waited so long to hear you say 'I love you'. And a proposal! I would have jumped to say 'yes' in the past, when I didn't know better."

Even as I was trying to assimilate that Amelia had turned down my pitch to get married, I knew she was right. I was being overly possessive and selfish, just like a fellow, purple-coiffed friend of mine. But...but...she said no! NO! I blushed with shame and sighed allowing my pain show through, "It was a rash thing to say. I should have _known_ better than to ask that of you in the heat of ...passion."

She smiled, "You were being all noble and gallant, I know. You wouldn't want me to give up my virginity unless you were willing to marry me."

_All right...if she thought I was being noble...I could go that route. _

Amelia took my pause to mean she should say more to ease my disappointment. "I mean, I do _want_ to marry you, Zelgadiss. I really, really do! But...not right now. I have so much I want to do and so do you! We hardly have time to see each other as it is. You understand, right? You do see my point, don't you?"

I sighed, "Of course."

"And if I said 'yes', we couldn't get married right now anyway. So, then we'd want to wait and put it off until we had time...and what if that took too long and one of us found someone else to do things with when we had a spare minute, then we'd feel all guilty and feel like we were sneaking around and I just don't want to be dishonest with you." Amelia gasped to catch her breath.

I felt that terrible pang of jealousy again. "Is there someone...else?"

Her answer, a punch to the arm, "Zelgadiss!"

"But you want to leave the possibility open," I fined-tuned my query, hating every word.

"For both of us," she said sharply. "I know...you see others." A faint blush like a film of pink celluloid colored her cheeks.

"Ah..." Well I did, but they were meaningless-- however I couldn't lie to her. "There have been some persistent fans, but I don't date them or anything like that. I don't care about them like I do you."

"I understand. So, I might have...persistent fans, too. And sometimes I want to go places and have fun but you're too busy. And...and...I guess I'm just not ready to give it all up yet and get married and spend my time waiting for you to spare me a minute. And most of all, I want to try making it on my own first."

"And be a lawyer," I said.

"Yes, and be a lawyer and know that I can take care of myself. Then when I get married, I will know that it's for love not convenience or worse."

"Worse?"

"Like out of fear of losing you."

That had to have been a hard thing to admit. It would have been for me. "Amelia, now I want to live up to your standards. You are so principled, you know that."

She smiled, "Yep! That's why I said it! You are free to do as you like, but when we are both ready to give up what it takes to share a life together, then you will still be there, and so will I. Because you will always be here in my heart."

Her hand was on my heart, just as mine lowered to hers. And then I knew what it meant to truly be in love; to be willing to give up what you wanted most in order to do what was right, the just thing.

It's just that it sucked to be turned down.

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Thirteen.


	14. Dream On

SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-08

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Fourteen: Dream On...**

"When you look through plain glass, you see people, but if you cover it with silver, you stop seeing others and see only yourself." -- Ancient Proverb

* * *

In winter, Lina started graduate school and was a teaching assistant—a very busy lady.That meant some adjustments to the band practice schedule and jobs. Then when Xelloss and Filia returned to Seyruun, intertwining their business timetable with that of the band, it called for some more adjustments-- some good, some bad. I was too busy to care much.

Inspring, about the time the band celebrated having survived four more years together following the musical, Gourry and Sylphiel had babySayo Ruth Gabriev. The first baby born into the Slayers band. Lina called me to spread the news, and then twenty minutes later she called again with news of a different nature.

"Zel, you won't believe it. You've got to call that friend of yours and talk some sense into him."

"Fine, you tell me I can't believe it, then I won't." I could hear her impatient growling in the background. "Lina, I certainly don't understand what you're talking about, but if you're speaking of Xelloss and think that _I_ can influence _him_, where _you_ have failed, well then, you are definitely talking _make_-believe."

"Filia and him…she's… she wants him for a boyfriend now. It's not just his silliness chasing her on the rebound now. It's her compromising the band for some mystical, selfish reason. They barely get on together without a fight and now she wants to introduce sex into the mix, which is an** intoxicant** to him. He'll be impossible to control…"

"He will want to do a song for her," I interrupted in a calm, perhaps even a dreamy voice. Funny, if Lina was about to dynamite their relationship, it strengthened my resolve to support it, or at least follow its progress without aggravating its obvious, eventual, natural combustion.

Silence.

"I don't have time for your jokes. You gonna call him or what?" Lina demanded.

"I'll call him," I promised loftily. I just didn't say when.

"You're sure full of yourself these days," she said of me.

"May as well be someone."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean? Your _fans_ letting you down? Try dropping the arrogant, know-it-all routine and do something for someone else for a change."

I had heard enough for one day. "I'll consider your recommendation. And don't forget about tonight's plans. Bye now."

"Hold it buster! Don't you dare hang up on me! Meet me at the coffee shop in ten minutes," she ordered.

"Eleven, I have to shut down my laptop." However, she had already hung up on me.

Fifteen minutes later, we were seated together in a dark corner. "Spill it, Zel."

"I have nothing to spill. The order hasn't arrived yet."

If looks could kill, I'da been dead. Then Lina shut her eyes, leaned back and sighed, "Must be bad, huh?"

She wanted me to open up, funny thing, I needed someone to talk to after Amelia refused my proposal. "Yes."

"School?"

"It's time consuming. I'm perpetually exhausted, but…that's not it."

She waited me out.

Our drinks arrived, plus a stack of rolls.

"She said no, huh?"

My eyes shot up to meet Lina's, "Amelia _told_ you!"

"I dragged it out of her. She was bummed out. Just like you. I guessed it had something to do with you and her. You have been the source of most of her anxieties in the past, you know."

I sank deeper into my seat and watched the steam rise off my coffee. "It was an impulsive thing to do anyway. I just couldn't believe she'd turn me down."

Lina nodded and ate a second and then a third roll. "You love her for real?"

I shrugged, "Suppose so. I did at the moment. Now, I'm numb."

Then Lina straightened and put her hand on my arm. She and I loathed contact equally, so it was an unusual thing for her to so. It got my attention. "Tell me…what's it like?" she asked.

"Which part? Being on top of the world one minute or falling off the edge the next?" By letting my sarcasm show through, I let her know how much just mentioning it still hurt me.

"The top part. Being in love."

Now that was the strangest topic of conversation anyone had ever broached with me before. Coming from Lina, I lost my voice.

"If you hold your breath any longer, you'll pass out," she warned me.

I wasn't even aware I was doing that. "Oh…" I gasped. "I ah…didn't expect that question, that's all."

"So?"

I considered my words a moment then answered, "I felt impenetrable, for awhile. Nothing could touch me. I was lighter than air, I was all-powerful, I was filled with an excess of joy. It was weird. Suddenly, I wanted a family of my own, a home, a wife to come home to, security and all. _Really_ weird. I thought she wanted that, too. I was wrong."

"No you weren't. You were right, your timing was wrong." Lina was smiling a little.

"Humph," I sniffed. "Same thing in the end."

"Not really, Zel. Amelia wants all that and more, just not right this minute. You are both too busy…"

"Busy, yeah, I know. She explained. I agreed. I know. It's just…"

"Disappointing."

"Yeah. And now…I don't know what to do. Study, I guess. Get through the program and in four or five years, try again." Enough about me. I felt the need to hurt back a tad. "Isn't that how much longer Xelloss has to wait for your answer?"

Lina's turn to shrug. "He's forgotten all about that. He's got his own life and problems going on now."

"No shit."

We paused to eat and sip and contemplate.

"So, you two did it, huh?" Lina asked.

"_It?_ Oh, _that_...ahem...yes. It was better than I'd imagined it would be, when I was eleven," I smirked at her.

She smiled at the recollection. She had basically told me about the birds and the bees and given me a book her sister had made her read. I took it home, read it cover to cover twice, then in the middle of the night I returned the book, fully supplied with images of intimate contact I hoped would never come to pass for me, and then we promised one another never to mess around like that…just to make a baby, ugh! "I guess so."

I realized that I had no idea if she had ever had anything like a boyfriend in her life yet. None that I knew of. Had she ventured into the world of sex, I wondered? "Have you…tried?" I asked.

"What? Oh, that, ah…no…the right opportunity's never come up, I guess." She was blushing and tearing a roll to shreds. "You wanna teach _me_ this time?"

I inhaled my sip of coffee and gasped, sputtering and spilling the entire mug coffee over my shirt.

"That was smooth, Zel. How 'bout you come over and change your shirt. I got t-shirts galore. I need a ride home anyway. SUV's in the shop. Anyway, you promised something special for tonight, unless you forgot about that."

Let me begin by saying that some things, no matter how well intended, are just not meant to be. And others are. Others just happen there somewhere in the middle, in the TWILIGHT ZONE, like the next sequence of events.

I drove Lina home. I assume I did. I remember nothing of that. The house was empty when we entered; I remember that. Filia was still off with Xelloss, so we had the place to ourselves, Lina was saying. I followed Lina to her room in silence-- what was there to say? I'd been there dozens of times, hundreds maybe, but not with the intention of making love to her. _Never_ with that in mind!

I wasn't even sure I wanted to _now_.

All right, that was an out-and-out lie. I sure as hell wanted to.

She popped in a CD and lit a candle. "So what's next?"

I had no idea. Foreplay wasn't my strong suit. "Ah, I think I'll take off my wet shirt."

"Let me," she offered. "Consider it part of my 21st birthday present from you."

"All right." I was starting to wonder how we got to her house... "Although I was planning on just taking you to that campus movie and dinner."

Her cool little fingers ripped off the shirt, flung it across the room to hit the wall with a wet smack. That success was followed by a brisk removal of the rest of my clothing.

"Now me." She stood poised, ready for me to do my thing.

I felt, well, like a fool. "I, ah..."

"Oh, I'll do it then, geez, Zel... You'd think I'd be the nervous one here. There."

I looked down at her naked body of pearly-pink, porcelain perfection, and then drew her into my arms.

"I..." was I could croak out.

"This is just between you and me. Like before, you know? I'd never tell Amelia or anyone," she assured me.

Before? Oh yes, that. We had fooled around before. Up in that childhood tree house. Nothing much, just 'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours' kind of stuff. And as pre-teens, there wasn't much to show off.

There was now.

"Lina..." was all I had to say for the next hour.

I awoke out of a half-dream state lying on my back, a weight across my chest and fingers fondling my favorite parts as a fresh condom was rolled on. I opened one eye and saw a sea of fluffy red curls. Gods... "Lina? A-gain?"

"Heh, heh...don't worry. I'll do all the work this time, now that I've got the hang of it. Lina Inverse, sexual genius, eh?"

I had never been...in that position before, but I should have guessed Lina would want have the upper hand in that as well as everything else. "Yeah... Now you and Xelloss have got something else in common."

She reacted in a way that just proved my point all the more. If I thought I was tired at the onset of the evening, she made certain that I was not much more than a drained husk by the end of it.

I knew no one would read the above incident and believe that it really happened, that's the only reason I thought I'd write it and get away with my life for doing so-- her birthday was April Fool's day, after all. It doesn't matter to me; I have my memories to keep me entertained when things get dull. Call it fantasies come alive or real life fantasies—I know the difference between what's real and what isn't. Unlike some others I know.

The moment Xelloss and Filia returned to Seyruun, I called Filia. "We have to talk."

"Do you like tea?" she asked.

"Yes, wh…"

"Come to the shop and I'll get us a quiet table in back. Gotta go!"

So, I visited the Mace and Vase. Not really my kind of place, but the tea was excellent, the waitresses pretty, and the menu inviting.

"Hi, Zel-bob!" Filia smiled as she glided into the chair across from me like a dove on wings of peace. Her talons hidden for the time being, but her sharp beak poised to gouge out my eyes at the first sign of danger. "If you've come to warn me about Xelly, then you are wasting your time."

"Not exactly," I said. _Oh, so it's Xelly all the time now? Poor schmuck!_ "It's not my place anymore to tell either of you what to do. I just had to say something, I'm not certain he even is aware of himself."

That ruffled her feathers some more. "What's that?" she asked.

"There was a time, not long ago, when the White Shrine saved his soul, Filia. It gave him a way to defy his mother at first, but then it filled in some of those empty places in him, fulfilling him in ways he needed. He still needs the grounding his priest duties require of him and provide for him."

"I think I know why you are telling me all this, Zel-bob. I have no right to ask Xelly-bean to give it all up, and I don't intend to. I'll never marry, that's all."

I winced at the nickname, both of ours, and wondered how he could stand it, and then shook my head. Filia didn't get it. It wasn't about her. "It's not so simple with him. Once he gets a thing in his head he often goes...overboard. He tries, but he still can't see obstacles and consequences clearly enough or soon enough to make good judgment calls. If Xelloss gets it into his head that he wants you to accept him or your family or that he wants to give to the future he thinks you want, then he'll leave the shrine and train to join the clan."

She said she would have to think about that, tucked in her bill and began preening and telling me about all the things she bought on their travels. She showed off a few ceramics and twittered happily. I felt better having gotten what I came to say off my chest, although I didn't think it would make any difference. She appeared to be besotted with him; only the gods knew why. I just hoped it wasn't mostly a material addiction or a sadistic obsession, mostly the later.

Shortly thereafter, Gourry and Sylphiel invited us all to the White Shrine for a 'welcoming ceremony' to introduce their newborn girl to the world and the shrine. Gourry had asked Xelloss to preside over the ceremony, which considering that Nels Lahda was the baby's grandfather and head of the shrine, meant that it was a sign of respect and friendship between the two men who had once been fierce competitors for Lina's heart.

I told Gourry I thought it was a grand thing for him to do, to which he replied, "He was our first choice, ya know. He's really good at these events. You'll see."

Yes, we would. There was no artifice to Gourry, and that's what made him the solid citizen and stalwart friend that he was.

Filia wondered why Nels Lahda didn't perform the ceremony himself, to which I said, "I imagine the man is happy not to have to do a thing for a change. With Xelloss doing the work, he can simply sit back and enjoy his growing family."

She agreed without taking her eyes off Xelloss, who had been smiling her way. Then it was time for him to speak. Once again, my best friend assumed his professional persona and intoned, "Although this ceremony makes no legal bindings, today we introduce Miss Sayo to her home in the White Shrine. The services of blessing are about receiving the unconditional love of the gods'. The services of dedication are about the parents making promises about the upbringing of their children. To some extent the different emphases overlap and an atmosphere of thanksgiving to the child's birth and life is common to both. So, let us begin with a blessing…"

I had never attended White Shrine activities as a man or as a teenager, and probably not as a child either, since I had no recollections of them. So to hear my friend and brother intone the serious, yet joyful words in such a meaningful manner prompted me to attend his every word. Xelloss really was a priest of the White Shrine. A practicing one. It hadn't all been a charade with him. It was an important part of his complex nature. I had pointed this out to Filia, who had neglected to pay much heed to me previously, but even I wasn't fully cognizant of how important his role had grown over time. Maybe seeing him here in his robes would reinforce my message to her.

All I could do was hope. And ponder life. So, maybe I wasn't the only one with a difficult cruise ahead. Amelia and I might have been like a couple of planes in a holding pattern over a busy airport, but at _least_ we had flight plans. Xelloss and Filia were more like a pair of holidaymakers navigating a crash course with their destinies after neglecting to pay attention to the peppy stewardess reciting the safety rules and the location of their flotation devices and oxygen masks. Enjoy your flight, while it lasts, kids.

And not to blow my own whistle too much, but I was right about another thing: Xelloss wanted to do a song for Filia. He dug it up himself, had Val help him arrange it, and at one of our increasingly infrequent gigs, Xelloss sang his song for her, which became part of the Slayers repertoire, called 'It's You." He seemed to be totally in love with her, I had to admit. They both seemed serious about building kind of relationship. He was, I know, because he was extremely restrained in his behavior around the band, always wanting to keep his professional bent when Lina was involved. I might have reminded him to face the reality of the situation before it was too late, but it was already too late. Even I eventually had to admit that.

In June, Joey was done with his first year of high school. He joined us downtown at the Art Institute of Seyruun for Val's college graduation and the party out at my beach house that followed. Oh, yes, I couldn't keep the place a secret from Lina for long. And once she got wind of a couple mysterious getaways Amelia and I had taken, there was nothing more I could do but tell her all about it. Well, she thought of more I could do. She wanted to go there AT ONCE!

"Not without me and I'm too busy."

"When then?"

"June, after Val's graduation..."

"You got that straight. We'll have the party out there. It will be perfect! You can put a few of his art things on display and I'll bring music 'cause I ain't doing anything but maybe some karaoke...Oh, yeah...I'll get Xelloss to rent one of those machines and put Sylph in charge of food—she's not busy. You got Mrs. Shaffer's number handy? A few of her cheesecakes are in order."

Why fight it? I handed her my cell phone, "It's ringing."

I let Amelia and Lina plan its entirety, which could have been a dreadful mistake. Had I cared. Had I had the _time_ to care. I was supplying the digs, after all, and so I simply e-mailed the invites and showed up early with Amelia to air out the house. Not too early, it turned out. We were just in time to pay for the kegs of beer the delivery man was wheeling onto my porch. Oh, joy...

Gourry didn't drink at all, Xelloss shouldn't, and Amelia, Kiki and who knows how many others were underage. Joey was only fifteen for gods'sakes, Lina! Having just turned 21 in spring must have set a screw loose in Lina's head. My brain went on overtime imagining cops over-running my home, the CIA blasting their way past my newly washed picture windows to gain entry in the most ghastly way possible. My dreams of ever becoming a doctor turning to visions of me wasting away behind bars. My guts were twisting into wretchedness as I was just envisioning it all...

"Zelgadiss, we have to do something about that," Amelia said pointing to one of Val's sculptures on the front porch. "Him and erotica..."

"Yes, Amelia, we do, but first I have to do something about serving alcohol with minors present. Maybe, McGywn would have something to suggest..."

"Call Ryo or Dee. They're young enough to understand."

"Good idea." So, I invited them. They had a couple adopted kids about Joey's age. It would be fun. And lucky for me, they were free and happy to oblige.

They turned out to be an excellent choice for guarding the beer distribution. Not only were they young and hip, but they were gay and much of the art crowd seemed either to be gay or otherwise atypical, and so, were more relaxed knowing the detectives were skirting the edge of societal acceptance as well. I certainly felt better about it all. So did Rolf and Rodimus, who had been invited at the onset but not for policing kids from the beer keg. Oh, and inviting Rolf meant that Nahga would show, but she was a more reserved young woman after marriage than I could have expected.

Joey and the detectives' boy Bicky knew each other from high school and were happy to have one another to bum around with away from the old geezers, us...I assume. The girl, Carol, who 'lived' at their place (but was not related to them or adopted, as I was corrected meaningfully by her younger boyfriend, Bicky), was a year or two older but was excited enough to hang out with them and a little bit with Kiki.

And I had Miss Amelia, my princess to thank for the idea. It made me kind of mushy, that and a couple beers, and my first opportunity to truly relax in a long time. That was my excuse. Well, it was my home too. And I hadn't had Amelia in my arms for months.

All right, I went a little over board. I was pretty forward, I remember, but Amelia wasn't pushing me away. We danced together, slow and close, my hands roving over her lovely, soft curves. My kisses insistent. Someone was tapping me on the shoulder.

"Hey, take it to your room," Val whispered in my ear. "Yer givin' a few of the fans a stroke."

"Good idea." I propelled Amelia out and down the hall to my room, entered and locked the door.

"Now, where were we? Dancing..." I clutched her firmly and cupped her chin with my hand. "You're beautiful tonight...princess."

I was laying it on a little heavy, sure, but Amelia had been quiet and cooperative up to this point. "You think you can charm me into getting into bed with you?" she asked with what I was positive was a coy smile—it_ really_ was this time. I was learning to 'read' her better.

So, I nodded slowly, a confident smile turning up the corners of my mouth.

"Maybe..." she looked away bashfully the back again, her eyes lidded and sultry this time. "I want to charm you."

See? I was right! _That would be fine, too_. "Go ahead, try." I didn't mind a little aggression on her part now and then.

With the music, which was blasting away in the living room, now muffled by my bedroom's sound-deadening acoustical tiles and thick carpet, as background, Amelia teased off her dress, one shoulder, one breast, one hip at a time. The rest was cheesecake, as they say, and gone in a flash.

"Now, dance with me," she whispered.

Um...yeah... "But I'm still overdressed here..."

"Too bad."

Oh gods... she was so unbelievably sexy and desirable and gorgeous to me right then I couldn't stand. I couldn't stand _it_ and I could barely stand up my knees felt so weak.

"I'm going to collapse," I gasped, hoping for a reprieve.

"Ummmm, okay," she giggled and gave me a hard shove.

I fell backwards onto my bed. I knew it was there. I think. I tried to think, but instead I simply stared, drooling most likely, as Amelia slowly removed my socks...and my shirt rolling first to the right then to the left...and then my belt and zipper and then she pulled my pants off from the ankles. I had my shorts off before she could touch them. Then we just looked at one another, me sitting half lying on the bed, Amelia standing and running her hand lazily along my knee.

"Well?" she smiled.

"I _am_ well. Thanks for asking. You look...superb, perfect..." I said back to her in a low voice.

That this vision of loveliness could want to touch me and tolerate me touching her and making love to her was so unbelievable at times. I still had scars running over my arms, my legs, my chest, my face. They were no longer rough or red, but they were there. I was a freak, but the fans thought I was cool. It was a monster reflected back at me each morning when I looked in the mirror, but Amelia thought I was special. Try as I like, I couldn't really like how I looked, but when Amelia looked at me the way she did that night, I could accept it.

I pushed some of my unmanageable hair out of my eyes. I didn't want to miss a thing. This was genuine. I liked this bona fide experience far more than my imaginary love life, not that it wouldn't hurt to enrich reality with my fantasy world.

"Come here," I beckoned her. "I'm getting cold."

"Okay!"

Thinking back, I had never before even so much as kissed Amelia in front of the other members of the band, and here I had fondled her in public and was last seen dragging her off to my bedroom, from which we did not exit all night. Not that anyone missed us.

The party was a great success; I was congratulated on its success for weeks to come. I suppose it was. Food and party people were plastered all over the house the next morning. Not that I cared. I had a cleaning crew scheduled to bung out the place at two o'clock. Had I actually _been_ at my party, however, a lot more things that happened later would have made a great deal more sense. Oh well...I had a great time. Great start to my summer vacation.

Two weeks. No band. No school. No patients. And as much Amelia as I could want. Almost.

_Sigh..._ We managed to end it all with a fight... ah, an argument with her leaving a day earlier than necessary, when she wouldn't even consider moving in with me. Not even for the summer.

"I can provide you with recommendations from Xelloss and Val. I make a great roommate. I'm quiet, reasonably clean, I do laundry, cook, and I can drive you places. You can't beat the accommodations. I can keep you warm..." I couldn't have sold myself any better, I thought.

"But my father would never let me!"

"How can_ he_ stop you? You're old enough." _Time to snip those old apron strings, Amelia._ Then another reason came to mind. What if she didn't want to be restricted to just me? What if she wanted to continue dating other guys? That had to be it. That realization was an ego killer.

"I'm still his daughter, the good one. I can't let him down. And...and..."

"Just forget it, Amelia. Obviously you want to play the field, not that I blame you. I wouldn't want to be tied down to me either, but it just seemed that things were coming along, but..."

"Play the field? You think that's what I meant? You don't trust me, do you? How can you say you love me if you can't trust me? Trust is the basis for all good relationships..."

"Hell, you didn't trust me when my car ignition system was f--ed!"

"You don't have to use foul language with me! And, and we agreed to forgive and forget that. I guess I can't believe you about that either!"

And it went downhill from there.

Anyway, after the party, Xelloss and Filia had kicked off the summer break with a business trip to Poland. I barely recalled even seeing them at the party. I had seen Lina and Gourry...Val, naturally, but the rest was a blur. I had been busy. Not knowing what anyone else's plans were, I paid them no heed during that nearly wonderful two week break I had spent with Amelia.

What I didn't know was that upon his return to Seyruun, Xelloss met with Milgasia to learn the process for joining the clan. Was I right about him? I was! He was serious. He wanted to marry Filia, but none of us, sadly Filia included, knew a thing. But then we didn't learn that his request had been denied either. Not even Luna, which was strange looking back, because she had more power than Milgasia to make things in the clan magically happen. Why would Xelloss overlook Luna? All I could think of was that it had something to do with keeping it a secret, possibly from Lina. It was not easy to follow Xelloss' logic. Often doing that would take you helter-skelter and still not get you to the same point as he. I know because I had done it many times, trying to figure the man out. So, sometimes I read Xelloss right, and sometimes not, but if wasn't working at keeping secrets from me, I was more often right than wrong.

Fallreturned again to find me a slave to my books in my second year of medical school, where more emphasis is placed on disease and its treatment. My courses in the 2nd year included: pathology - the science of disease, especially the changes in structure and function causing or caused by disease; pharmacology - the science of medications; microbiology - the science of microorganisms such as bacteria, viruses, and fungi; and immunology - the science of how humans fight disease.

I was also going to learn how to take a medical history and perform a physical exam; that is, real, actual_ patient contact_. And that made me both excited and apprehensive. I was excited to get a chance to do what I wanted, see patients, but I was worried about their reactions to me. If my features were more than striking, if I alarmed the patients I was there to treat, then how effective a job could I ever do?

I grew more worried daily, until my first day to go on 'rounds' I peaked when I lost my breakfast before leaving for the Seyruun General Hospital.

"Mr. Greywords? Are you joining us today or not?"

"Ah, yes…Sir…sorry I was late. I was held up in the men's room."

Astonished face, "You were! We should report it to the campus security!"

With a flushed and grievously embarrassed face I said, nearly gagging, "N-No! Please, don't do that! I only meant that…I was detained there for…personal reasons. Ah…no problem, Sir."

"Oh."

General snickering in the background.

"Right. I'm fine."

"Oh, well then, the van to the hospital is right this way. It will be parked here everyday at this time. Don't be late. Schedule your personal time better. At the end of your duty cycle, it will return you here, and you are free to go home for the day. Are there any questions?"

I was wondering how I would ever make it through the day, but postponed asking _that_ stupid question for a boring day when all my fellow students needed _another_ good laugh.

Also, at the end of the year all of us medical students could look forward to taking the first part of the Seyruun Medical Licensing Examination (SMLE-1), better known as The Boards. The purpose of the test was to determine medical competency when deciding to issue a license to practice medicine. These were to be very difficult exams, but most of us, we were told, would pass them, if we made it through the school year first!

Lina was slogging merrily away in her second year or so of graduate school and starting the saga of the Slayers called, the Seyruun High Jinx Trilogy. I hardly saw or heard from Val, Sylphiel or Gourry. Amelia was in her third year at SU. Sadly, she and I rarely met in private.

Filia and Xelloss were a couple in the eyes of the world now but I couldn't imagine that the strain of an uncertain future wasn't whittling away at them both. When Xelloss told me that they were sleeping together, I told him…sweet dreams. It couldn't last. After all, it was Xelloss and Filia, neither of whom could make a relationship work. Yeah, me the expert wrote that.

Winter...I was busy.

I did come to a conclusion about myself while spending so much time in my own solitary company. I determined that my own insecurities were driving me to make unreasonable demands on Amelia. I was turning into my own father! He was helpless raising a boy alone, but too proud to get help. He was blind and pretended his was not. He took it out on me, the one he loved most in the world, and drove me away. Things changed, Xelloss changed us and our structure and our family. We had a fine relationship now, Rezo and me. We didn't have to say much to communicate, but we cared. But now, was I sinking into the same patterns? I loved Amelia deeply, but I hurt her too. I'd press her for more, to give me more and she'd do it and then when it got to be too much, we'd have another fight. I hated it. She couldn't have been enjoying it all either. Something had to change, and it was me, I decided. Yeah, I'd do something; when I had the time, that is.

Spring… I knew Filia and Xelloss started hanging out at the settlement together. I had mentioned to him that he could move in with me in his old room, but he figured it wasn't worth the trouble, and he was probably right.

Summer... _Sigh_...I got time to breathe and draw and socialize again!

Time for the new and improved Zelgadiss! A caring, considerate, compassionate chap that they would all appreciate and love. Right. Well, close. I did give it a go. I invited Amelia and the band to my beach place numerous times over the course of the summer, and never once slept with her—or even tried to. I avoided arguments like the plague; I never asked a thing of her, I was thoughtful, kind and appreciative. I knew that all my effort would make an impression on her. A reward was just waiting for me down the line. My karma set for success, I was poised, confident that all would turn out fine.

So, you are wondering 'How did you do, Zel?' Well, let me tell you... By mid summer's end, Lina demanded that I 'snap out of it!' She informed me that Amelia thought that I was in love with someone else _and_ dying from some mysterious disease that I was keeping secret from everyone. Love sucked.

Xelloss was with Filia out at settlement most of the time. They went out to Wolfpack Island once even. That they were making progress of some kind, maid my lack of same even more apparent. What was he doing right that I wasn't?

The band toured to promote our newest CD and that was about it, I guess.

Fall...The third and fourth years of medical school consisted of classes alternating through the different major specialties of medicineThis was my third year, so all the medical students began rotating through each of the specialties of medicine, such as Internal Medicine, Surgery, Pediatrics, Obstetrics and Gynecology, Psychiatry, Neurology, Radiology, Emergency Medicine, Family Medicine, etc. I knew that this was my chance to learn everything to help me decide what area to concentrate on next year and with my 'success' from summer to look back on, I poured my ever-waking moments and entire being into studying.

Lina was starting her 2nd-and-one-half year of graduate studies at SU and was nearly done with her master's thesis. It was Amelia's last year at SU. She was applying to law schools, some far away. How was anything going to get easier?

Winter... I never left the school or the hospital.

Spring...Amelia was notified of her admittance to Seyruun Law School, her first choice. After learning that, I thanked the gods and swore in an e-mail to Xelloss to go with him to at least one White Shrine event, then later hoped that he would forget I ever promised him such an inane thing.

A few months later on the last day of spring, the band got together for our nearly annual band celebration over dinner. It had been six years since the musical, and we were losing our close connections, but with these 'traditional events' we didn't lose everything.

We all I learned that Amelia had received a summer internship at the firm of her Uncle Christopher in Sairaag. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut when she told us all. Amelia was moving away and I would be seeing much less of her than ever! She hadn't even told me, until now. She was leaving. Amelia. And Sylphiel announced that she and Gourry were going to have another baby. Amelia was moving away and I would not be seeing her all summer. Amelia... Why hadn't she told me before? Damn, love sucked more and more.

I left the party without telling anyone good bye. Well, I dashed off an e-mail to Xelloss informing him that 'all shrine activities were now off', then I drove around all night while deciding what I would do. When summer arrived the next day, I packed a bag and went traveling on my own. Alone. I stopped by and visited old friends. All my non-band friends. Van, was working in the forestry department, and for awhile I followed him on trails and re-planted areas where stands of trees had been decimated by some insect. What had become of Hitomi? He told me that she was on some international relations program and gone all summer, but...she'd be back, someday. And then he planned to marry her. I wished him luck.

Sano had also gone on a search for his future. Megumi, I had met her numerous times where she was a doctor now in Atlas City, expected him to come crawling back to her or get locked in some jail in Timbuktu. Their future was difficult to get a good read on.

Inu and Kagome had married and had a house filled with puppies and babies, both. I couldn't tell which were which, literally. Too much happiness there for me.

I worked out awhile with Kenshin, who had married his sweetheart and had two children. He was still the gentle, even-tempered man I'd known before, but happier and deeply satisfied with how his life had turned out. I told him I had a ways to go before I could say the same thing.

Fall—I was happy to return to the 24/7 workaholic camp medical school had become. I began my fourth year of medical school, which was similar to the year before but had more clinical rotations with a higher level of responsibility, in addition to electives. Additionally, I had The Boards exam Part 2 to look forward to at the end of the year. It would test whether I could apply my medical knowledge in providing patient care under supervision.

If that wasn't enough, in the 4th year of medical school we had to decide which field of medicine (specialty) to practice. Each medical field would require a residency (a training period -- sort of an apprenticeship) of 3 or more years. In order to place us with the right hospital, all the medical schools used THE MATCH. The Match was a sort of computer matching game. It worked in the following way. After all the graduating medical students completed their interviews, they would also submit their list of residency programs in order of preference. At the same time, the residency programs ranked the students that they preferred. The info would then be entered into a computer to match students and residency programs with their highest possible preference. Every graduating medical student would then find out the results onthe same day in mid-March on"Match day"

Lina began her doctoral thesis during her third year of graduate school. I had coffee with her once a month at best.

Winter – Val invited us out to the Ancient Clan Monument Park grand opening. We relaxed and got healthy at Nahga's spa and toured his monument to his lost family and clan. Tremendous. I had no inkling as to the extent of his work out there. I was so impressed that I kept babbling incoherently. I think I convinced him I was sincere. Lina, Gourry, and Sylphiel had made several trips out there with him, since they alone seemed prepared for what they saw. Xelloss and Filia were still together, which baffled me. Amelia was...nice, but strained with too much on her mind. If we were ever to have a chance at love again, I would have to be the one to make the next move, it seemed.

In March on"Match day" I received my assignment, and low and behold, I was to do my residency training in my chosen field of specialty: Psychiatry, with the length of the training period: 4 years. I was especially lucky to have a choice of internships—Atlas City and Sairaag. Atlas City was more prestigious, but I could see that Sairaag would give me more valuable experience and teach me far more, so that was my final choice. And more importantly, even if romance was out of the question for us, and I fervently hoped it was not, it would give me some opportunities to see Amelia and patch up our friendship.

The next day, Sylphiel went into labor and, at her insistence, I was permitted to conduct the delivery! Amazing... I delivered my second healthy baby boy. (Filia's little brother, Quentin, had been my unanticipated first many years back.)

Summer-- Amelia returned to her summer internship job in Sairrag. This time, I visited her a lot while finding a place to live in preparation for my internship at Sairaag Community Hospital. She and I had some relationship repair work to so, but our foundation was solid and I was hopeful, but not pushy.

In fall, Lina churned out her doctorate paper and aced her orals. She was offered a teaching position on the tenure tract to stay on at SU. She agreed to the job on the spot. I wished I could have done more, but all I had time for was a rushed congratulatory note.

Joey was 18 and graduating from Seyruun High School in June of the year, as an honor student. I called Amelia and asked if she wanted to co-host a party for him. She of course agreed to do what she could, but that Sylphiel might like to help too. I called Joey and offered to host his graduation party either at the Mayor's place or at the beach house, which ever he preferred. Amelia had just started her second, busiest, and last year of law school, so I understood her fear of making commitments she couldn't live up to. In the end, Gourry and Sylphiel took over the party planning and it was held at the Mayors to make it easier for all the kids to get there. But, back to the fall events...

Filia seemed happy and busy with her shop. She was taking night classes at the SU to finish her degree...slowly. What we knew nothing of was Xelloss secret timetable. He pursued the clan entry program for so long... He was told 5 times and turned down absolutely no, NO, no, NO, and no. Then the time ran out. He enacted the most insane, contemptible, outrageously stupid plan to give Filia a chance at a new life.

Next thing I knew, Lina was on the phone screaming into my ear. Filia and Xelloss had broken up. I was in the middle of rounds, so I promised to call her later. But when I did, things had changed dramatically.

Why was I not jumping into the fray and trying to patch things up, you might ask? Well, I was in Sairaag beginning my internship in Psychiatry with its grueling 4 year training period. That first year, the on-duty work hours averaged 53 hours a week, with an average of 27 of those hours consecutive! I had one day off a week; sometimes a half day extra.

Let me explain what this phase of my medical training was all about. Residency was a 3 year training program in a medical specialty; the first year of training after medical school being called internship here in the City-State of Seyruun. Much of what I would learn in my chosen specialty would be learned now. It's hard to believe that, after 12 years of school, 4 years of college and 4 years of medical school, there would still be so much to learn (All right so I had cut a few corners and years off that package, but it was still a lot of time in the classroom!)

There are so many different residencies, but I understood that my internship would be spent either rotating through different specialties. In my case I spent the year rotating, in 1 month intervals, to the ER, General Surgery, Internal Medicine, Intensive Care Unit, Orthopedics, Pediatrics and OB/GYN, and Psychiatry. After the first year much more emphasis would be placed on my own specialty.

A typical day in residency started around 7AM. First I would meet my patients prior to "rounds" to check on the results of diagnostic tests, to see how they were responding to therapy. Next would come "rounds" with my team of several other interns, an upper level supervising resident, and an attending or teaching physician. During "rounds", we would walk around to each patient to discuss his or her care, suggesting further diagnostic tests or treatments being the usual topics of discussion. After rounds I often would return to see some patients in more depth, do whatever procedures needed to be done, talk to the patient's private physician, etc.

Usually I would attend a lecture or conference at some point in the day. After lunch new patients were often added, for whom I would need to do a history and physical exam, and then write their admitting orders instructing others about which tests, medications would be required for this patient. At the end of the day I would "sign out" to the team that would be "on call" that night.

Would my day be done? Time to relax? Nooooooo... At home it would be important to continue to read about medicine no matter how big a role fatigue might be playing havoc with my ability to focus. And believe me, we all needed recovery sleep from our nights on call.

Being on call while in residency meant that I'd stay in the hospital over night and care for the patients on my team and the other teams, and care for the new admissions. Meaning I would be working up to 30-36 hours with little or no sleep. This was done every 2nd, 3rd, or 4th night depending on some nasty freak of nature; a tradition, and perhaps a dangerous one. However, the more experience we would have treating patients and their diseases the better we would become.

On the up side, we were finally being paid for our services, about $35,000 a year. On the down side, an intern was at the bottom of the food chain at a teaching hospital. Any unpleasant, menial task (called "scut" work) instantly became the intern's job.

So, back to my story. The night before I had been on call and now I was on rounds and Lina was screaming at me. The next decent conversation I had, I learned that Filia was incognito and out of the band. I searched out Xelloss, and discovered that he was taciturn, depressed and going to be ineffective in the band. I really did not have the time to deal with all that.

Until winter break, when I put Xelloss into hospital after he suffered a nervous breakdown. This was what happened...

Gourry called me. I could hear shouting in the background. "Ya better come, Zel. I was about to call the cops, 'til I found out who it was. He was burnin' papers or somthin'. Ya know his doctor? I can call him."

"It's all right. I'm at the hospital in Seyruun for the weekend already. I'll call Dr. Lester and bring him along. I'm only a few blocks from where you are, I ah…give me that address again to be sure. Right. If he shuts up, tell him I'm coming. Bye." I jammed my cell phone into my pocket. "Damn him anyway. Xelloss you will be the death of us all one of these days, though, hopefully not today."

I had chosen psychiatry for my residency program. And although I was stationed at Sairaag Community most of the time, Friday through Sunday I was on call at Seyruun General with Dr. Lester as my supervising doctor. Very convenient. I found him in his office, explained the emergency, and he agreed that the training would be superb so we took off for the Claire Publishing building.

There, Gourry's company was heading the restoration of the historical building or was until Xelloss walked onto the scene to observe the progress, and then literally went nuts. The last owners of the building had been a mayor arterial in the syndicate organization's internal mail sorting and redistribution. Something Xelloss saw there must have triggered his mental collapse. He had been depressed over his break up with Filia. I had tried to get him to move into the house with Val and me, when either of us was there, but he declined. He would be okay, he said. I was worried about him, and now, I reminded myself, I knew why I should have been and wished that I'd been more obstinate and **demanded **that he move into our house.

"You couldn't have done more. He's a grown man, Zelgadiss."

I knew Dr. Lester meant well, but he was wrong. I could have and should have done more and Xelloss was a man, but not grown up. Emotionally, he was quite fragile.

Xelloss had settled down by the time the doctor and I arrived. A trail of broken boxes and scattered papers led the way to where he and Gourry were sitting. On the floor in the midst of chaos, the two men sat in quiet conversation recalling old times.

"Hello," Dr. Lester opened.

Both men looked up and smiled, although Gourry's clenched jaw betrayed his tense state. "Hi."

"Hi."

"Gourry, Xelloss…" I said in greeting.

"She's alive. Look! See!" Xelloss' eyes were unusually wide as he gazed up at me holding a fan of papers.

"Who…?" Dr. Lester started to ask, but I stopped him with my hand.

"Can I take a look at what you've got there?" I asked Xelloss.

"Yeah, there's boxes of them. She's been hiding communiqués here. She's still alive. She must be close."

"He's right about the papers, Zel. They got Zelas' imprint at the bottom. I remember that pretty good."

I nodded to Gourry, "Yeah, but these are old, Xelloss. Real old. Check the dates encoded into the heading. Remember how she used to do that? You taught me about that."

Xelloss blinked, "Maaaaybe. My head's hurting and I can't see very well."

Dr. Lester knelt down. "How long ago did you last medicate yourself?"

Xelloss closed his eyes. "An hour ago or two. I missed a few days and doubled up to catch up. I lost track of time…" His voice faded away and I thought he might have passed out. I was hoping he had. It would be easy to just carry him out and move him then.

His eyes flew open, his face grew pinched and pale, he was panicking. "She's coming for me…" He reached out, grabbing at my arm.

Gourry wanted to calm him down again. He spoke in a reassuring tone. "Ah, nah…she can't do that. I saw her blow up. We all did. This stuff…it don't mean nothing, Xelloss. It's just trash, old trash we found."

"The helicopter blew up years ago with both Zelas and Darkstar inside. They're both dead, Xelloss. Now, do you think we ought to call Chief McGywn and see if he wants to come pick these boxes up and look them over?" I asked.

Xelloss relaxed his death grip on my arm. "Yes…No! Linda. Call Linda Inverse. She will know what to do with them. Can…can I go now?"

"Where would you like to go?" I asked. "Somewhere safe?"

"Yes."

"All right. I think you can use some rest and food and your ADD medication has you unbalanced so we want to get that right. How about I take you to where I work?"

His blank look reflected his confused mind. "University?"

"The hospital. If it's all right with you and Dr. Lester, I'd like to check you into one of the rooms in Sairaag Community where I'm in residence more of the week. I could check on you everyday…several times a day there."

"I don't like hospitals…"

"I know, nor do I, remember? But you and I did all right in them together, if you recall. We always came out fine… _well._ And they have nice rooms, Xelloss; ones with a view into the gardens. Those are for the patients like you who just…need to rest and get strong again. Who aren't …sick." I cleared my throat. Seeing him like that took me back to some very bad times we had together in hospitals. "I promise I won't stick you there any longer than you want, all right?"

"You promise, Zelgadiss?"

"Yes, of course. Then you can stay with me in my Sairaag apartment if you like. And when I come into Seyruun, you can stay in your old room with Val and me. Sound good?"

He agreed. In the meantime, Dr. Lester made a call to confirm the plans with the hospital, which he and I had actually already made on the ride over. "I'll take you out to my car," the doctor offered Xelloss.

He hesitated to leave without me.

Gourry rose to his feet and brushed off his pants. "That's okay, Zel. I can call Mrs. Inverse for ya and take care of all this stuff. You go ahead."

"Thanks, Gourry. I'll get back to you later." I smiled over at Xelloss and pushed his shoulder gently in the direction of the door. "Come on, big brother, it's a long drive and you want to get there in time for dinner. It's Ice Cream Sundae…every Sunday."

It was a good thing his back was turned so that he couldn't see the tears flooding my eyes.

End SHJ Ten year Reunion-- Chapter Fourteen.


	15. Love and Marriage

SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-09

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Fifteen: Love and Marriage**

"I told the doctor I was overtired, anxiety-ridden, compulsively active, constantly depressed, with recurring fits of paranoia. Turns out I'm normal." – Jules Feiffer

* * *

I knew something was bound to go wrong. I knew it would eventually. Xelloss and Filia...the match was doomed from the start. When I learned from Lina what had transpired that day, that he had done something so odd, I knew vaguely the cause of Xelloss' nervous breakdown. 

"I don't want to discuss it, Zel."

"Nor do I, Lina, but I've talked to the others and they haven't a clue. Ah...except for Filia, who no one can reach, but since you are or _were_ her most trusted friend and roommate," I paused to let the guilt sink in, "then I was hoping you could shed some light on what the hell's going on."

The band was in a mess. How much of one? Well, Nahga joined up to replace Filia and Joey took over for Xelloss after I put Xelloss in the hospital. Xelloss wasn't sharing anything with me or Dr. Lester. I was worried that the end of the Slayers band had come before the triumphant ten year reunion party.

"Lina! Xelloss is sick and he's not going to get better without help. How can you not want to help him? He won't even talk to me. ME! He's going on about Zelas as if she were alive and out to get him. If I ask him about Filia, he just clams up and closes his eyes. When I asked about you he simply asked, 'How is she?' The longer he ruminates on whatever happened, the worse he'll get."

Lina seemed unmoved. I lowered my voice and drew closer, "I had to order a chemical cocktail delivered intravenously when he's asleep to keep him from hanging himself in his room. Do you know how I feel lying to him about the drugs? What if he discovers what's going on? He'll never talk to me again; he'll never let himself sleep; he'll eventually find a way to kill himself, Lina. Is that something you can live with, too?"

Lina's eyes grew large. I must have gotten past her guard at last. She began to unload a little, "Okay, Filia came home and Xelloss just...suddenly made this move on me, uttering some nonsense about whether I wanted him or not. Filia saw us and bolted the room. Next thing I knew, she'd jumped ship. Someone from the clan came to pack her things and remove them from the house, with no comment, no forwarding address. I got an e-mail from her saying she was quitting the band..."

"I know that part. Go back to beginning where she walks in on you and Xelloss. Focus on the details leading up to that. Say, when he arrived."

I could tell Lina hated every minute of the interrogation, this part especially. "He was weird. He was nice and smarmy-like. Askin' me about how I'd liked our time in Zephillia."

I raised an eyebrow to take issue with that information.

"I was there visiting family...Mom, my aunt, Luna... for the wine tasting or something and he just showed up..."

"He'd visited you before, hadn't he?" I tried not to make that sound so accusatory, but I could tell Lina was hiding something.

"Oh, loads." Seeing how that must have surprised me, she added defensively, "But not at my house. Hey, even Gourry drops by now and then...and you! Val, too!"

"Was there anything out of the ordinary that happened on that particular Zephillia visit that would make him want to discuss it with you?" There! Her eyes narrowed and then she looked away. I must have touched an exposed nerve that time.

Alas, she vowed, "Nothing relevant to this discussion."

"So, he just _visited_ you that day at your house here in town and asked about a previous visit, all strictly platonic, and then suddenly out of the blue he launches an assault on you the moment his girlfriend of many years enters the house, wherein Filia catches you in the act..."

"Him, not me. I was just a prop in some devious thing he was playing out, I don't know." Lina was not very forthcoming, I had to say, but had our roles been reversed, I wouldn't have been any better; that is, unless she had something to hide. "Oh, and he knew she was coming, too. Not that particular moment, but soon."

"So, he might have staged it all, you're saying?"

"Exactly!" she was happy to go for that victory.

"Those two have been a couple for years, why would he just now use you to anger Filia and jeopardize his mental health? I just don't get that...unless... He didn't know how to break it off. He always had had a hard time juggling his feelings for the both of you, but I thought that was over with... Why use you...?"

"Stop saying 'used'! No one uses me," Lina snapped.

"Well, if he wasn't using you unawares, then how were you benefiting from all this?"

She had no good answer to that one. "He was or something like that. He's always been unbalanced; he just cracked."

"Hmmm."

"What, hmmm?"

"Filia knew, as did everyone else, that Xelloss had a particular...fondness for you."

"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, if he knew she was coming home soon and then shows up unannounced, I assume you hadn't expected Xelloss to come over that day?" Lina nodded, so I continued, "...which, as you've said, was a rare thing, then we can assume he went to your house with the intention of having Filia see him there with you, in a compromising situation. Of all people he might choose to mess around with, I bet you were the only one Filia might suspect he'd be truly...ah...unfaithful over. And there you were. I wonder if he'd told her about meeting you in Zephillia, or any of those other times?"

Lina shrugged, "How would I know what he told her? But she knew about that...I think. There was nothing 'going on' between Xelloss and me, Zel."

_So you say.._.I hated asking the next question more than anything, "Were you..." I paused to alter my wording and approach mid-sentence, "...in love with Xelloss, ever?"

Her reaction startled me. I'm not certain why; I didn't know what to expect.

"Yes, no...kinda. I was jealous of what he and Filia had, the more I saw them together and saw how he affected her. I liked his attention when it was focused on me, but at the time, no. I was not encouraging him, if that's what you're getting at."

I shook my head and sighed, "I'm not really sure what my point was myself." I chose not to argue my position and went on, "In any case, it would make Filia very jealous to see you and Xelloss ...kissing. In fact, if she had suspected he was losing interest in her already or was seeing others, then that would have been enough proof to convince her that the relationship was over. Maybe enough to drive her to just break it off with him for good!"

"Yeah, so? That could have been done over tea, not in my house," Lina said. "But then, he's over-dramatic that way."

"That's right, which gets us back to asking why would he go to so much trouble to get her so mad...? To leave the band, not contact any of us...she must hate him now. He would have known a passionate woman like Filia would turn love into hate to protect her sanity. So, the next question would be... Why would he want her to hate him so much?"

"Maybe he just needed to be hated for a change," Lina tossed out. "Come on, Zel, you know him better than anyone. He's unpredictable. He watches too much crap on TV and too many old movies. He gets stupid ideas which he proceeds to act out. So, he was desperate to dump Filia and was too cowardly to tell her like a man."

"Xelloss is lots of things, but cowardly isn't one of them, and you know that, Lina. He would need for her to hate him if he wanted this to be a final break with him. If he wanted her to get over him fast with no hope or desire to reunite." I was on to something, and I knew it.

"There never was any hope for them anyway. It's not like he could join the clan even if he wanted to."

That was news to me. Had I known that, I would have slept better years ago and not worried over him doing something rash like quitting the priesthood to join Filia's clan. "Why's that?"

"Oh, Luna said a long time ago that Xelloss was held accountable for the death of the Supreme Elder and threatening to kill Filia back that summer when..."

"But he didn't do those things!" I interrupted.

"No, but it was easier to do that than to blame the Volphied people. Lately, they're trying to bridge the gap between the two clan agencies."

Was that what was going on? Was it possible that Xelloss had tried to gain admittance into the clan, however that was done, and been turned down? But how could that drive him to such desperate measures? "I think we need to talk to your sister, but first I'm going to talk to Xelloss again."

"Luna is out and about on clan business. I'll let you know when she's not too busy to talk," Lina said.

"I'll just start with an e-mail. I'll need her address."

A few months after that painful but illuminating conversation, it was spring again. It had been eight years since the musical. Val told me he was seeing Filia out at the settlement; that she was coming around some and talking to him at last. She had completed her degree but was floundering with nothing to do. She was aimless and very unhappy. He was worried about her. Make that two of us.

My subsequent communications with Luna were a waste of time. I didn't learn a thing from Luna I hadn't already known, which meant that she too was withholding information-- that I was sure of.

Frequently, like five times a day, I dropped in on Xelloss in his luxury suite at the Sairaag mental wing of the hospital where I was in residence. I took pleasure in our time together again. As much as I had liked my continued friendship with my other friends, I missed the deep bonds of our friendship. He was still my best friend and found it easy to fall back into mind-bending conversations just like the old times. It also gave me the chance to study his interactions with others. He was as always the master of deception. He really missed his calling in life—he should have been an actor. All the nurses, both men and women, were captivated by his charm and wit. He had them all convinced that he had simply been overwrought with heart ache, and that I was 'mistaken' to have admitted him for a mental breakdown. Naturally they all believed him, thought I was over reacting—everyone one but Dr. Lester, my part-time, weekend supervisor.

Don't get me wrong, Xelloss was recovering. He was 'over his break up', he said. He was cheerfully taking his correct ADD medication, eating, and resting. He wanted to go home, wherever that was.

He improved. In fact, he was progressing well enough, that in June, when Joey graduated from Seyruun High School with honors, Lina, Gourry, Sylphiel, Val, Amelia and I brought Xelloss to a small party for Joey. He seemed to really enjoy being back with us again. His spirits were better than I'd observed all the while he'd been in the hospital. He danced with Sylphiel and asked about her babies and conversed excitedly with her about each detail and every quirk of their little persons. She was delighted to have a rapt audience and he seemed thankful just to lose himself in someone else's world and not to have to talk much himself.

And then, I lost sight of him.

"Gourry, know where Xelloss disappeared to?" I asked.

Gourry's face went blank a second, and then he frowned, "He said you were sending him back...someplace. He borrowed my phone 'cause his wasn't working and called for a ride, I think. But, that wasn't true, huh?"

I took Gourry's phone and traced the call to the airlines he did business with. I was able to reach the airport shortly after he had already boarded a plane to Spain. No, they wouldn't let me on board. No, it was full and I couldn't get a ticket. No, all I could do was watch as Xelloss escaped and went abroad.

We didn't hear from him for almost an entire year; everyone but me, that is. I would have been more troubled, had something tragic not occurred to divert my attention. I had the sad occasion to be in the ER when Sylphiel was admitted. She had been in Sairaag visiting Amelia and taking a little R and R from motherhood when she fell ill. She had been a month into her pregnancy, when she felt cramps and by the time Amelia delivered her to the ER, she was spotting.

"I called Mr. Gourry and he'll get here as soon as he can," Amelia told her before having to leave the room.

I was allowed to perform the examination—she had begged them to let me. And now, I sat on the stool and held Sylphiel's hand. I could see tears forming at the corners of her eyes and knew that what I had to say would come as no surprise to her.

"I'm so sorry, Sylphiel."

"It's gone? I'm not...going to have this baby, am I?"

"No. The blood tests say you are no longer pregnant. I...I would like to suggest a D&C to it. It will send your hormones back to a normal state much faster and you'll be able to have another baby ...sooner."

She nodded. She knew what I was talking about, having had some hospital-caregiver experience. "Can you do it before Gourry gets here?"

"I'll need a supervisor to attend. Oh, that's not what you meant; ah...you want it over with fast."

"Yes, and I don't want him trying to make decisions. I just want him to h-hold..." I squeezed her hand and she wrapped me in her arms. "Why? Why did it die?"

"I can't say exactly, but maybe there was something wrong with it. Early on, the body tries to get rid of incomplete or malformed... early in the cell divisions maybe something didn't go right. It was probably something like that."

"So, you think it was for the best? My body ended ... it...before it was a life because it wasn't normal?"

"I think so. There was no...material found in the examination, so it may have been absorbed partially or, Sylphiel, it may have even been a false pregnancy. You just did a home test, right?"

She nodded, "But it felt right."

"Of course. There's nothing wrong with you. You'll be able to have more children, Sylphiel. At least you have that. I-I'm just so sorry I can't do more now."

She pulled away, "Thank you, Zel. I'm so glad I had you here. I just feel so...sad."

Minutes later, the D&C procedure cleared her body of any remaining remnants of a pregnancy. It was my first, and, I decided, my last. I covered her with a warm blanket and stayed with her until Gourry arrived. Then I did the sad honors of telling one of my best friends of the loss of his unborn child. Even if it had been a false one, the two parents shared a bereavement which would forever be in their memory, and in mine. They never told anyone and nor did I, except Amelia, who Sylphiel said I should. It was a sad day I have never forgotten.

Summer— Amelia was absorbed in studying for the bar exam the first of fall. The sting of resentment at having been rejected by her once had worn away and had been replaced with a deep yearning for our special closeness again. I guess I was no longer satisfied with being alone. 

Seeing an opportunity to ingratiate myself with her, I offered my assistance with her studies. All those years of tutoring in high school and studying for my own grueling tests, had made me the perfect choice for helping my Amelia, that and it gave me the opportunity to show her I was still devoted in spite of not calling her for weeks at a time. She understood my life was hectic and overloaded, which was why... but she didn't need to remind me why she had refused my marriage proposal. It was obvious that we would have had a tough time trying to make that happen with the rest of our lives in an uproar and our times consumed with other priorities. And for me especially, there always seemed to be another concern coming before my social life. Now, with a break from school, I was happy to have found a way to just be with her again.

One day we were resting under our tree in the park behind the mansion. The deer were doing the same under their own trees in the distance. Nothing but the shrill, metallic buzz of the cicadas interrupted our endeavors.

"That's enough!" Amelia cried out. "If I have to answer anymore questions or think for one minute longer, so help me I'm going to scream."

"I think you are screaming already."

"Then it's time for a break. Let's see what's packed in there for our lunch."

Glancing at my watch, I noted, "It's a little early yet...but fine." She was already into it anyway.

"Have you heard from Kiki lately?" I asked.

"Um, yes. She's still in France, selling her family property is going to take awhile, she says. She would like to get back to see us and back to her studio. That was a really good fit for her, don't you think? Mr. Xelloss was very astute to set that up for her."

"Yes, he's a generous man with many talents." _And problems_...which I didn't need to add.

"And she's in love..."

"Kiki? Oh, well that's great."

"Isn't it? She has a great enthusiasm for life and takes her optimism with her everywhere. She is a kind and warm-hearted person and is always willing to help out others before helping herself. I just know she will make him happy!" Amelia's eyes watered with emotion.

"Yeah. Anyone I know?"

"You might remember him. I went out with him a few times in high school. Tombo, remember him? Kiki didn't like him at first and was actually very snobbish towards Tombo, but he was persistent and became one of Kiki's best friends in high school after I graduated. Come on...you know who I mean...Nice guy, tall, light hair, glasses. He's a flight instructor at the airport and owns a hanger and rental business now. He got a degree in aeronautical engineering, but the business fell into his lap when his uncle died."

"I can't say I do, but I'll take your word for it." Someone Amelia had dated, huh? Well, that explained why I didn't remember him. I worked at forgetting all their names. It was either that or stalk and murder them. I didn't know any other way to handle jealousy back then. And that was one of my more serious character flaws—I was a jealous man. Jealous of Amelia's little boyfriends, of Gourry's contented life, of Val's freedom and Xelloss' good looks. I buried my nasty feelings in sarcasm and aloofness, when I could. Amelia knew that, I think, and wouldn't let me get away with it any more.

Amelia was not satisfied with my unenthusiastic response, but gave up after trying to jog my memory with more insignificant details. "Oh, well. What brought them together was really sweet. Now, I _know_ you remember Jiji."

"Ah..." _Gods...who was that?_

"Kiki's **cat**!" Amelia shot before I could dredge up a name.

_Cat! Yes, that I recalled..._"Ah yes, it was completely black. Meowed a lot." I let out my breath as Amelia smiled. I got that part right.

"Jiji was so cute! It was as if he could talk to her sometimes. Well, Jiji met Tombo's cat when he brought her over to see me and... Well, the pair started their own cat family. I think they were very close after that... Tombo and Kiki!" she added loudly to circumvent any possible misunderstanding on my part and to block me from joking 'who, the cats?'

"Well, that was a long time ago now. But I know they're in love and she'll hurry back as soon as she can!"

"I hope he's patient," was all I could say.

Which lead to an awkward pause before Amelia changed the subject, "Any phone calls from Mr. Xelloss?"

"No. But he answered my e-mail so I know how to locate him. I gave him a run-down on everyone, where they were and what they were doing. He's not coming home just yet, was all he said. I think he's waiting for Filia."

"Here, have a sandwich and try these chips Mrs. Andrews baked last night. Waiting for Miss Filia to do what?"

"He didn't say, but I believe I have him all figured out. He wanted to join the clan- I got that out of Milgasia. He also told me that Xelloss was turned down, repeatedly. I also know, from Luna, that there's no way he's ever going to be allowed into their training program. From talking to Lina, I've determined that he made a scene in front of Filia as if he was having an affair with Lina to drive Filia off and force a nasty breakup. He wanted her to really despise him, which considering their past, it shouldn't have been be too hard to rekindle those bad feelings again. A final cut-off so that Filia could find someone else to marry."

"That's... horrible!" Amelia gasped. "Everything about it is so unfair and...unjust! Nothing should come between true loves! And he must still love her or he wouldn't have stayed away. You think he's waiting for her to get a boyfriend or get married, right?"

I wondered if she had thought about 'us' in the same way (true love at odds with fate), but decided not to bring that sore topic up now, especially since the 'thing' between our 'true love' was actually our personal goals. "Yeah, and she may have, but we have lost contact with her. Well, Val feeds me bits of news, but even he's keeping pretty mum on the subject."

Amelia's eyes lit up, "Maybe Mr. Val and Miss Filia are getting back together! That's it! Val knows he has to give her lots of time to get over her break up. Or...he thinks he's her only choice. Oh, that's just too sad. How noble of Val to be willing to take her on the re-bound. He's not going to tell anyone that, especially you."

"Me? Why not me?" I was still trying to fathom a 'noble' Val. Him? Self-sacrificing?

"Because then you'll tell Mr. Xelloss, or so he thinks, and if he believes there's any chance that Mr. Xelloss might come back too soon, before he's secured Miss Filia's affections, then it would mess things up. Mr. Val wants Mr. Xelloss to stay away as long as possible. He told me so."

"Val told you that? When?"

"Well, you know he was really mad at Mr. Xelloss about messing up the band with a break up. I mean, he never tried to visit him in Sairaag in the hospital, right! Even when Mr. Gourry offered to drive him out there. And at the party, well you know..."

"Joey's graduation party? I hardly saw Val, then Xelloss went missing, then I left. Did something happen after I left?"

Amelia nodded, "Before. I was there pouring Mr. Xelloss some punch when Mr. Val came up and said...he said he should 'Get out of town and stay away,' although not in those words."

"Ah, so then Xelloss left. That may not have been pre-meditated on Xelloss' part then, as I had thought."

"Do you know where Mr. Xelloss is now?"

"Yes."

"Then you should go see him and talk to him. Tell him everything you know. Miss Filia's not happy; Mr. Val, him...and nobody will be as long as this isn't resolved."

"But I'm helping you. I can't just leave you with the bar exam a month away."

She beamed, "Sure you can! I feel real good about all this material. There's only one last part I need to focus on and Ms. Luna promised to help me with that. You don't have to be gone forever, just a week or so. Maybe when you get back, you and I can do something nice together."

"Just the two of us?"

She nodded.

"All right. With that promise, I'll go. I would hate to waste my entire summer on Xelloss when I have you to be with, but if I can take you someplace, then. All right. I'll check on flights and leave right away."

"Yes, the sooner you go, the sooner you'll get back," Amelia said.

I cupped her chin with a hand, "You really mean that? You want me to hurry back? You want to go on a vacation someplace with me?" I could have misunderstood. It's been known to have happened before." _Man, had it!_

"Yes, I really do. Zelgadiss, no matter whom else I've dated or been with, no one...absolutely no one has left a bigger mark in here than you." She held her hand over her heart.

I was convinced. I mimicked the gesture back and was gratified to receive her encouraging smile. Tentatively, I pressed my lips to hers. Was she still mine to love?

She let out a little sigh and returned my kiss. Yes, she was.

I wrapped her in my arms and squeezed her tighter, indulging myself in the sweetness of the supple contact. I shut my eyes, "Amelia...I have no right to say this, but I will. I love you. I love you and I need you. Please...another chance?"

"Let's talk about this when you get back. You know I love you too, but...without you around it's really hard to...I don't want us to get too serious when...Oh, I don't know. Just help Xelloss and hurry back and we'll see, okay?"

That was support enough for me.

My visit -- eventually as it turned out—took me circuitously to Copenhagen to see Xelloss, which was interesting, but I couldn't convince him to return with me. He revealed that he had married again, only after I vowed secrecy. I met his wife, Shanna, who reminded me of a shorter Kiki. And although she seemed taken with him, he seemed distant and unloving toward her. When in private I confronted him with my take on what had happened, he didn't deny it. He would not discuss it either. That was the unalterable past. Filia, he hoped would find a better mate and move on and when she had, I should let him know. Then and only then, he declared, would he return. I told him what he was full of and that Filia was wasting away and that Val was like a vulture waiting for her to weaken a bit more, before making his move. 

And Xelloss answered, "Let him."

"So, you feel absolutely nothing for Filia. She could die for all you care?" Hey, it had worked with Lina. Guilt for driving a friend to death seemed to touch us all.

"I didn't say that. I don't want her to die, you know that, but she was wasting her life with me. If she has the barest chance at happiness, then it has been worth it."

"So, you _do_ care?"

He nodded, would not meet my eyes, "I always will."

"And Lina? You wouldn't come back for her?"

"Does she want me to? Has she said that?"

I had to admit, "No, but there's something she's not telling me that has everything to do with all this. Luna too, what with the Volphied people."

"What's that about the Volphied people?" Xelloss looked interested.

"Apparently, you were the fall guy for all they did when the Supreme Elder was killed. The Cephied Believers and the Volphied people are trying to reform some bonds, and it's very convenient to push off all the blame for the bad deeds on the syndicate, that being you."

"That would explain the difficulties with passing the membership committee. I was blocked out from the start. Milgasia didn't know, or didn't tell me. I wonder if he knows now? He should if Luna does."

"I think this information would be new to him," I guessed. I didn't think Milgasia would withhold the reason for Xelloss' exclusion from him.

"Well, I have something to think about now. Thanks, Zelgadiss, for coming here. It's been, well, lonely, and it is good to see you again."

For those of you who have the notion that Xelloss was some kind of push-over, lackey-of-Lina, follower, or subservient slave of the women in his life with little or no free will of his own...you are only partly correct. Sure, he would always take orders from Lina, she was our band leader, and sometimes he even listened to my advice and Amelia's. He preferred to let the others do the planning for our Slayers events. But accompany him on a syndicate business trip, and you would meet the flip-side of his personality—the driver.

While visiting him at this time, he invited me along on one of his 'meetings'. Most of the circumstances must be kept a secret to protect identities and the delicate balance that he so cleverly maintained in the world. What I can tell you was that I watched him crush the hand of an opposition leader in a binding handshake as the other man tried to out-maneuver him. For Xelloss, a handshake was a deal, break it and he'd break you. He bridged all gaps, spared no expense, but also would not allow any ex-syndicate member out of whatever agreements he had made.

Many of the ex-syndicate guys were dissatisfied as Xelloss turned over their 'companies' to local governments to run and public policing agencies to secure. I saw one particularly resentful young man pull a gun on him. My heart nearly stopped, "Xelloss waaaaatch oooooout..."

Xelloss had the man disarmed and face down on the ground before his own security guards took a step to help him. Nothing was wrong with his hired help; Xelloss was just that good and fast. He exuded power. If anything, he reminded me of his father, Darkstar.

I was thankful that he was on 'our' side and relieved to return to my hotel unharmed that evening. What I had witnessed had a frightening effect on me. As a doctor in the making, I was torn between either helping Xelloss or his enemy combatants. Xelloss was a killer. He showed no mercy to those who defied him. I could also tell that it was wearing terribly on him to maintain this hard persona. I told him so, and he agreed.

"I am nearly done."

"Done with what? How is this job ever over, Xelloss?"

"When I have transferred everything to others. Currently, I personally own a handful of companies here, a few scattered about that are left to go."

"Who owns them? Don't you think the syndicate can just regroup after you leave?"

"No," he smiled. "Everything has been transferred to the country giving unintended refuge to the once-illicit business. Ousting the corrupt government officials has been a pain, but...the honest leaders are eager to get their hands on the wealth and do the job for me, much of the time. They get the added capital from the company and products, provided it was a real concern and not a thug hangout in the first place. Most the buildings are assets in and of themselves. The clearing houses become post offices, the spy networks are absorbed by the policing agencies. And on and on and so forth."

He looked at me with sorrow-filled eyes, "It's the only way out. If I try and hold on to the empire, it will take me over."

I agreed that what he was doing sounded great and was the right thing to do all around, "But what of your wealth? What will you be left with?"

He brightened, "I'm retaining everything in the Seyruun-Atlas City area. I'll be fine. I mean, how much money does a guy need anyway?"

Yeah, peace of mind was far more valuable, as was his life.

After that I left, but I was taking with me a very special key. It would get me on Wolfpack Island. I knew Amelia would like going there and it was Xelloss' way of saying 'thanks little brother.'

It was good, those few days vacation on Wolfpack Island. We took our own supplies and camped out, not wanting to pay a staff person to open the resort. The key Xelloss had given me was for permission to cross the straight from the mainland and harbor on the island. How or why Xelloss still retained such a thing, I hadn't asked. It most likely would have been 'a secret' anyways. Amelia and I took long walks on the cold misty ocean side and warm, sunny ones on the cove side. The mountains... we stayed away from those in order to avoid running into the wild wolves, if they were still around. We had a good time and enjoyed one another's company, though we both skirted certain topics so as not to get mired in a stupid argument and end up fighting again. We found our love could be rekindled by a gentle fanning of the fires within. Just a few more years and I would be a doctor somewhere and she would be a lawyer and maybe then, we could make a life together...

I did learn something else new.

Amelia had been doing a little sleuthing on her own. "I didn't let on how much you and I had surmised about Miss Filia and Mr. Xelloss, so I think Miss Lina didn't know that what she was telling me might be important. You tell me what you think. Anyway, Miss Lina had overheard someone on the settlement, she wouldn't say who but I guessed her sister, say that this island was going to be worked on at last. That the financing was solved and that Miss Filia's signature was needed for every major step of the way, but that she had given them the go-ahead to hire studies made first. I didn't see anyone here, but maybe that hasn't happened yet."

"This place was given to her clan by Xelloss. That's odd...I wonder if he was responsible for that, making Filia's signature a requirement? Of course, he was behind that," I mused to myself.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing Filia never left her clan, then. They'd lose the island, wouldn't they?"

I agreed.

"Oh look at that waterfall!" she cried out.

It looked like the previous five to me, but they delighted Amelia, so I trotted off behind her to see what made this one so special.

Tiny droplets of water sparkled on the mossy rocks as a mist as fine as cobwebs shot out of a crevice above our heads. Amelia danced in the spray looking as lighthearted and youthful as she was. I leaned up against the rocks and watched, mesmerized by her. Her spirit and energy freeing my soul.

"Quit gawking at me and come here. Feel this!" she called out to me.

The cooling mist was exhilarating and I laughed at the sheer joy of being in love with Amelia and with all the living things around me. I felt boundless.

She touched my hair.

"It looks like you sprinkled your head with diamond dust!" she giggled. "It's so beautiful this way."

I blushed. My hair was not something I ever really cared for. There was no styling it. It just flared out on its own with a wiry texture so totally unnatural that only the weird fans seemed to want to replicate it on their own heads. I could remember it soft and dark and I missed that.

Still, it was good to hide behind; that is, it_ had_ been, but not any longer. I'd had to trim it once I started the residency program...to look more professional. The rock-star persona, which had served me well on stage, was the bane of my existence in medical school. It hadn't mattered so much in college. There were lots of other rock personalities wandering about there and most the students looked as alien as I, and that was on purpose! But in medical school, I wasn't taken seriously. My peers figured I had bought my way into the program, that it was some publicity stunt, and that I'd flunk out before long. Of course, I proved them wrong. I could do both the music job and the medical training and do them both well. But I wasn't well-liked by my classmates, until they learned that my appearance was real, not a creation for my act, and that I was real, too.

The staff encouraged me to look a little less 'out there' once I started doing 'rounds', so I trimmed my bangs and pushed them out of my eyes and narrowed down my everyday-earrings to a couple tasteful ones. Not that I looked any less 'out there' to me, but it shut them all up. No one had the nerve to ask me to clip my ears or to cover my face.

So, there we were on Wolfpack Island hiking a trail by some falls with Amelia gushing over my lilac-gray-colored hair, which was collecting water and looking like beads on wires.

"Oh! You still blush! I haven't seen you do that in a long time!" she giggled and teased me to flush darker still.

"Amelia," I growled. "Stop it--" I tried to look serious, but it was hard when my face was determined to smile and laugh.

It was beneficial for us to have spent that time together. Amelia and I renewed our love and felt more closely bonded than we had in years. And that was important because the next year would be an extremely demanding one, a difficult one for us to get past with our relationship intact. But I decided there on that island that I couldn't wait until I was done with my residency. I couldn't wait any longer. I would just have to convince Amelia she didn't want to wait either. I wanted to make a life together. It was time to reset a few of my priorities.

Unfortunately, soon the time for summer dreaming was over, and as usual we were all so busy that the band stopped performing. There simply were no times the entire band could get together, and without Xelloss and Filia it wasn't the same...at all.

I was set to go back for my second year of residency in Sairaag, which was much like the previous one, although I was requested by Dr. Lester to spend more and more time training in my chosen field with him in Seyruun.

Lina published the Seyruun High Jinx Trilogy. She sent us all copies, signed of course. For a publicity stunt, she had us meet at a downtown bookstore for her 'signing' and screaming fans nearly tore the place apart! It had been awhile since we'd created mayhem and Lina looked thrilled to be the cause of it.

Oh, and just at the end of summer, Lina was awarded a full professorship at Seyruun University two weeks before the start of the new school year. That sent her into another whirlwind of activity to get prepared for teaching her first freshman English class.

And guess who was showed up front row and center that first day of classes? Joey Gabriev. He began his first year at SU and had Lina for a teacher. If you recall, Lina's house, the one she grew up in and still possessed, was right down the block from the Gabriev's. Gourry no longer lived there, of course, since he and Sylphiel had married and moved into a fixer-upper in the neighborhood, but Joey and his two brothers still did. His sisters were at a fashion design college in Atlas City.

Back to Joey. To save gas and share expenses, he caught a ride into the university with Lina each morning. If he could, he'd catch a ride back as well, but if not, he'd bus home. As a kid he may have been enamored of Xelloss, but by the time he was in college he had a crush on Lina. Another one to lose his heart to the Lina sink hole. Not that it mattered much to her. She either ignored the rumors circulating about their 'affair' or she basked in them. It was hard to tell.

Gourry didn't like what he'd heard and encouraged Lina to try and stomp them out or at least not give anyone any reason to believe them, advice which did not sit well with Miss Lina. She would do what she liked, with whom she liked, and if he or anyone else had a problem with that, then too bad. I personally didn't know at the time whether or not Lina and Joey were lovers, I only heard rumblings to the contrary from Gourry. I doubted that Lina was that...way, but then what did she know about my love life? My closest dealings with Lina at this time were in my dreams. (Ha! No, I wasn't fantasying about Lina anymore because I had Amelia, the real thing.)

Amelia, I was proud to hear, passed her bar exam on her first try. We celebrated during a quiet moment in the ER. Ah, that was a joke; it was never quiet in the ER. We air-kissed, and promised to have dinner and talk more.

The upshot was that now she had to face applying to different law firms for a job, and she wanted to know if I would mind if she took the one in Sairaag, if they wanted her, which they probably would since they begged her to return each summer to intern. I said...that would be wonderful. It would give us more opportunities to see one another than if she was in, say... Atlas City.

Winter—Amelia took the job at the Sairaag firm where she had done her internship. One might call that loyalty to the company that had taken a chance on her in the beginning, and I knew it was only partially that. She really wanted a break from Seyruun where, she sighed, "Everybody knows my name, my face, my family, even the foods I like!"

Which was true also, but I know she did it to be nearer to me in Sairaag. I still needed to meet with Dr. Lester in Seyruun, but that was Friday through Sunday. Amelia set up her schedule to match mine enabling us to talk as we rode into town and back, if nothing else had worked out for us all week. It certainly made that the best winter for me since starting medical school.

I hardly noticed when suddenly, spring was once again upon us. It had been nine years since the musical. I was reminded by Lina that it was time to plan our ten year reunion, if we wanted one. I said that I did, but I had no idea how different an event it would evolve into...and earlier than anticipated.

"That's fine with me. Whatever you want, just make it late in June when the residency is on break."

"Just for you, I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks, Lina. And for that I'll share some breaking news with you."

"Oh, yeah? What's that?"

"Xelloss is flying into Seyruun in...just about one hour he should be landing." I loved being the one to tell her that.

"What! Xelloss! After, a year, huh?"

"Yes, and what's more, he is bringing his wife."

"WHAT! Wife? He got married _again?_"

"That's right. Her name is..."

"I don't care. I'll just forget anyway. Tonight?"

"I'm certain he'll be bringing her around to introduce her to everyone."

"I'll bet. Well, thanks for the warning.. And...tell him to met here first. I'll collect the others."

"Anytime, bye Lina."

What I didn't tell her was that I had called Xelloss earlier. I had told him it was time to return and begin repairing the broken friendships he had left behind. I also told him that Filia had found someone. She had, if I understood things correctly. Amelia had spotted them at the shopping mall recently, while I waited in the car to read up on some case studies.

"That's okay, Amelia. I'll be occupied here. Take your time shoe hunting."

Nice girl that she was, Amelia didn't pressure me to accompany her on a trip she knew I'd hate. Besides, without me along, she was faster. She was on her way out with a new pair of shoes for work, when Val's distinctive hair caught her eye. She knew they didn't want to be disturbed so she waited until Val had left and Filia was about to enter a department store.

"Miss Filia! Hi!"

"Amelia? Oh, hi." Filia seemed distant and not really pleased to be found out.

"It's so good to see you again. You look...thinner," Amelia said in a conciliatory manner.

"Oh, I do? How are you doing?"

"Fine. I finished law school and have a job in Sairaag. Zelgadiss is giving me a ride back there. It keeps us in touch. Would you like to come on out and see him? He's in the car..."

"Ah, no. Just tell him hi for me. I'm in...a hurry. Bye, Amelia." And Filia scooted off.

I was in the car waiting to pick up Amelia for our return to Sairaag, "And that was all she said? Do you want to go back and say more or something? We have that much time."

"No, if she isn't ready to tell us about herself or Mr. Val, then they aren't ready. Let's just go."

That evening, Xelloss returned to Seyruun. Lina had contacted and invited everyone over to her place for the occasion, everyone being me, Amelia, Gourry, Sylphiel, Val, Kiki, whom Xelloss had brought with him from a stop-over in France, and Lina playing the hostess. There, Xelloss informed everyone that he had remarried some time ago and introduced us all to his wife, Shanna. I caught the strangest look on Val's face. I couldn't tell if he was surprised, pleased, or angry. He whispered something in Lina's ear and snuck out of her house.

"He's going to go tell Miss Filia, don't you think?" Amelia asked me in private.

"It's possible." But I had really lost touch with Val.

Later I learned that Amelia's guess had been correct. Val met Filia at the settlement to give her the news just about the same time that Luna heard from Lina. I suppose Luna thought it was time Filia gave up on Xelloss and so she called to impart the news of his marriage to her as well. Filia, who had been under the impression that Xelloss and Lina had married, and then learned from Milgasia how many times Xelloss tried to join clan and was rejected and that he had a deadline. When time had run out, Xelloss had made the move on Lina, driving Filia off.

Lina didn't miss a cue either. Shortly after Lina watched Val leave the gathering at her house, she placed a call to her sister, and then came back out to the gathering to yell, "Hey, guys! You can stay, but I gotta go. Emergency thing. Just lock up after yourselves, okay?"

That's really all that she said before she took off. I hoped that it was a good sign. I hoped Filia and Lina could work things out. I didn't know what the hell to make of Val and his part in the game, but I would be soon involved in another Lina scheme.

What happened was that Filia met with Lina and the two made up. They were friends again. Filia also learned what I had pieced together—that Xelloss meant to give her a chance to meet others before it was too late, after learning he couldn't join her clan. One thing led to another and Lina reformed the band with a single message: "Filia's coming back, so's Xelloss. Band meeting Sunday, downtown studio. Oh, and our reunion party's been moved up to this coming October."

Oh double, ding-dang joy.

I wasn't looking forward to the first meeting of Xelloss and Filia that day, but they forgave one another. Or seemed to, even though they didn't speak more than a word or two. They didn't have to. Even _I_ could feel the electricity between them...I could have powered my _amp_ off Filia alone. Attraction or animosity? I wasn't sure. The following practices were nearly as edgy, but not so much so as to distract the band from playing music again. It felt good to play. Lina and Sylphiel had arranged a couple gigs for the near future, which gave us all something to work toward, and look forward to.

Summer—By the time summer arrived, I was ready for the break with the grind of being on call and just plain _on _all the time at the hospital. The next would be my last year or residency, but already I knew what I wanted to do. Two things. I knew that I would become Dr. Lester's junior partner. He had already made me the offer and after talking it over with Amelia, I accepted. Now, all I had to do was finish the program. Amelia and I decided that like it or not, she would have to stay on in Sairaag. Unless something very important came up in Seyruun, she didn't feel right leaving the law firm she was devoted to. Knowing how quickly things could change in a year, we put our future on hold again.

"Hello? Lina?" I hadn't heard from her in a week, and then it was just to clarify a date and time for a job.

"I haven't got much time so you gotta do this."

"All right..."

"Xelloss dropped by. Alone. And...he was okay but I could tell there was something he needed to say but I had to run. Call him, okay?"

"Maybe it's to you that he needs to talk, not me," I suggested.

"Talk! Call me later and tell me what he says. Bye."

"Bye." All right, Lina. I just live to carry out your plans... "Xelloss?" I was pleasantly surprised that he picked up the call.

"Hi, Zelgadiss."

"You have time to meet me somewhere?"

We set a time and location and I headed out to a hamburger joint on the edge of town. I bought some fries and waited for him to appear.

"Hi-i!" he waved.

"It's been awhile, big brother," I nodded.

"Oooooh, when you call me that that means trouble, am I right?"

"You tell me. You're back. Filia's back. Lina's nervous. Val's sullen. Only Gourry and Sylphiel seem un-phased by the turmoil (knowing they had their own sorrows still to get past.)"

"So it seems. I'm sorry. It seems I really screwed up this time."

"Maybe," I looked him over hard. "Do you mean your personal or professional life this time?"

He smiled and closed his eyes, "Personal. I'm not happy. I am in love with someone and it's not my wife. Aaaaand...she knows it, or certainly suspects something."

"Why's that?" Not that I wanted to know about his adulterous affairs.

He gave me a curious look, then turned serious when he asked, "Can I talk to Dr. Zelgadiss a moment? Um...I have this mental block. Since I got married I can't _perform_. So, my wife and I haven't had sex. And, I know it's just her because I react in a normal manner toward other women, ah...a particular woman. What I mean is, I can get it up, just not with her." He stopped and smiled, waiting for me to react.

Most guys couldn't have told their best friend that, but he really wasn't ashamed, just sensitive to my discomfort. I sighed, "Xelloss, when I met you two abroad, I could tell you weren't in love. Shanna was your crutch in your time of need. You shouldn't have married her in the first place, and wouldn't have had I been there to put a stop to it. Now you find you married your little sister or something and of course you have no sexual appetite for her! You'll have to ask her for an annulment. I'm sure she'll understand."

He shook his head, "I set up the prenuptial agreement so that I'd get screwed if I instigated a separation. It would have to come from her," he said as his eyes hid behind a fringe of bangs.

"What? That wasn't how...oh...I see. You really wanted to never be available again. But what a stupid way to go about it." I could see him cringe. "However, I bet there's a solution to all of this."

"Thanks, Zelgadiss."

"What's changed?"

Xelloss met my eyes, "Hope. I have hope."

He wouldn't or couldn't be more specific that day. I promised him I'd be back with a solution, I promised. Gods, there I was going to doom another marriage for my best friend while I really wanted to kick-start my own somehow.

Then I had a brilliant idea; I could do both! I called Amelia and made a date—just the two of us. I went shopping for a few items and met with the pastry chef of a special little place.

We parked amazing close to the cozy, spendy restaurant called the Adriatic, seating for only a dozen or so. We had a very fine lemony, chicken soup for starters. She ordered quail and I lamb; that's all I recall of the food until desert.

"This is such a lovely place, Zelgadiss. I just love it here," Amelia said.

"It is nice. I hope you want desert, because I ordered us something special...ah...because they only make it up if it has been pre-ordered." I was nervous and trying to be smooth—that rarely worked for me.

"Okay. I love deserts and if you chose it, I'm sure it will be great."

_Thank you, Amelia..._

The waiter set two enormous-looking slices of lemon meringue pie in front of us. With a twinkle in his eye he said, "Enjoy and ...best wishes!"

Amelia wasn't listening, though. Her attention was transfixed upon the pie. Each piece was adorned with a tiny floweret of candied lemon slices and bright green mint leaves, with hers being arranged around a sparkling center of...

"Oh Zelgadiss! Is it...? Is it... a diamond?" she gasped in a hushed tone.

"On the ring, yes," I smiled. _You bet! It's one hell of a diamond! With more carrots than Bugs Bunny ever ate. _That was a good start.

She picked it out and licked off the sweet, white froth. "It's beautiful...so big..." Her eyes met mine, "But why? What does this mean?"

All right. This was it. The moment I'd been deliberating over since she turned me down the first time. "Ah, it's for you; that is, if you'll have me this time. Amelia, I want to share my life with you...now...not in a year or when the planets align or ... when we aren't too busy. I love you. I've been in love with you for so long I can't...well I could calculate it but...that's hardly romantic, is it?"

She was smiling and blushing and looking from the ring to me. I didn't want to stop talking and hear her answer. "Amelia, I can live without you, I've _had _to, but it's dreadful. You make my life complete and whole and worthwhile. If you say 'yes', I'll do whatever I can to make time for you, for us. I'll tell Dr. Lester I must stay in Sairaag. I'll..."

"Yes."

"I'll..." **_Did she say 'yes'? She did! She DID!_** "Yes? You..."

"Yes, I want you too, Zelgadiss! I'm ready this time."

And I know, sitting there holding her hand, the candlelight flickering in her jubilant eyes, that I was the happiest man on the planet, the luckiest too. And I know, it wasn't all because I did it right this time, I know it wasn't the size of the rock, it was because I meant what I had said, the time was right, we were both ready to build a life for each other...that and it was a really great stone, I had to admit. We finished the meal, left a gigantic and well-earned tip, and took a walk.

The warm evening had sent hundreds of patrons out for a stroll to window shop or to dine and watch the passersby. We held hands and talked, my mood bouncing between ecstatic and euphoric.

We had come to a stop in front of one shop windows. I could see both of our reflections- two people, a man and a woman glowing in love. I didn't see beauty and the beast. I didn't see the lovely girl taking pity on the freak. I saw a couple joined in the excitement of their pending future together, making a new life together, forever. I felt six feet tall, unscarred, un-mutilated by accident or on purpose. I saw myself as Amelia did for the first time in my life. I was just a guy, in love with a most remarkable woman and I thought my heart would just plain burst standing there. I thanked the gods for bringing Amelia into my life, giving me the love of this truly wonderful person and making me worthy of her at last.

She agreed to move into my apartment in Sairaag as soon as we got back. I could hardly concentrate on anything after that. I agreed to whatever she was saying without question, thinking or even caring to question or think. Which is possibly why after only an hour, we had settled on a plan of action for our future, beginning with...

"Mr. Xelloss. We have to get him settled once and for all or we'll have him living with us for the rest of our lives," Amelia said resolutely. "And we should keep our engagement a secret a little while longer."

Not that I wanted to, but I could see her point and approved of her logic. Besides, I wasn't thinking so clearly, so I cheerfully agreed. "Secret? Well, all right. Xelloss living with... Yes, I had thought of that. If I could get a copy of that prenuptial agreement—"

"I can get that, no problem there. I'll bet his lawyer didn't write it so that he's in as bad a shape as he thinks. Still, let's say that we do spring him, then what? Who do you think he's in love with? Lina or Filia?"

"My gut feeling is...Filia. So, then...It all hinges on whether or not Filia wants Xelloss."

Of course, there was always the likelihood of a snag like that screwing things up.

As it turned out, Amelia was able to read over the document the very next day. "Zelgadiss? I have an idea that should work. It doesn't matter if it's Lina or Filia, just that both of them are in the same place at the same time. The one that loves him the most, will let him know by her actions. It's the just way to do it, don't you think?"

"Yes, depending on what the plan is. What do I need to do?"

"How can I get them all in one place soon?" Amelia asked.

"Our next job will bring us all together. I'll get him to bring Shanna."

Next, I needed to get to do some skulking and look into Xelloss' agreement with the Cephied Believers when he gave away Wolfpack Island. Something wasn't kosher there, I knew it. But you know what? Amelia was going to marry me and that knowledge gave me the perspective I needed to carry on. It gave me hope that all would turn out just fine.

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Fifteen.


	16. Convergence of Wills

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-08

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Sixteen: Convergence of Wills**

"Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome." -- Rita Rudner

* * *

Next I needed to get to do some skulking and look into Xelloss' agreement with the Cephied Believers when he gave away Wolfpack Island. Something wasn't kosher there, I felt. When I mentioned it to Amelia, she grew very excited at the idea.

"Let me! Let me! I can get it and I can understand a legal document better than you!" Amelia cried out.

"Fine. Let me know before you do anything...incautious."

"Oh, I will be careful. Nothing illegal at all!"

What she did was rope Lina into setting up a meeting with Luna. They had a very interesting discussion, the best parts of which, I was given to understand, went unsaid. There was an undercurrent of apprehension and suspicion Amelia couldn't grasp exactly, and which, I assured her, was all I too had gleaned from my meeting with the two sisters. However, careful examination confirmed that the Island was in Filia's control. Meaning, that if she wanted to, she could leave the clan and take it with her, so to speak. They all agreed that this could be very useful leverage, should Filia choose to exercise it.

"Yeah, but why hadn't Xelloss ever mentioned it? He's sharp. He woulda figured out the same thing," Lina muttered.

"He must have forgotten about it or maybe he wanted Filia to figure it out herself? Who knows?" Amelia asked.

"When it comes to him, you never can tell," Luna said vacantly. "But he doesn't often do something that convoluted without a reason." Her mind was elsewhere mulling over another plan with different objectives and geared towards helping out her little sister.

To which Lina snorted, "Think again. He's out there a lot of the time."

Before the next gig, Amelia and I determined to put our plan to action-- our plan to help Xelloss exit his hasty-stupid marriage. If she and I would ever have a chance at a life without Xelloss in our care, we had to get him back into a steady relationship—be that with Lina or, as we suspected, Filia. We didn't know how it would all turn out but believed that in the end... the truth would come out. First, I needed to talk to Xelloss again.

"Make sure Shanna comes along on this gig with us."

"Okaay..."

"Then send her to talk to Amelia and me."

"Ah..."

"Send Shanna to talk to us about your.._.marital problems_, Xelloss." I didn't want any confusion to mar the plan.

"But she doesn't know you that well."

"Amelia's taking her out to lunch today."

"Ha! Sending out the little charmer of the pair first?" Xelloss chuckled.

"That's right. She'll be her best friend in no time. Oh, and you can tell her about how well Amelia and I get along in our..._platonic-only_ relationship and how I'm a psychiatrist, nearly, all right?"

Xelloss raised an eyebrow in question and nodded slowly. "How well _are_ you getting along in your..._relationship_ these days?" he smiled.

"I'm not telling you everything; I just want to make that clear from the start. But, we haven't had a fight all month. Arguments, but nothing destructive. However, that's not what's important now. What you have to get straight is what you need to do..."

"Are you living_ together_ in Sairaag by chance?" Xelloss stared into my eyes to test me. "_Platonically_, of course."

"No." He wasn't going to let me off until I told him more I could tell. "We have separate apartments in the same building, side-by-side in fact."

Xelloss smiled broadly and drew me into a hug, "Congratulations. I hope things work out this time."

"Thanks," I mumbled. "Same goes for you."

He released me and sighed, "What's your plan?"

"I can't tell you. You need to be completely ignorant of what's up for this to work. Oh, except that you have to imply that I'm not attached to Amelia romantically. That's all. It has to go its own natural course."

"So, you are telling me that, it's a secret?" he smiled again and even chuckled slightly. "Okay, I'll trust you, Zelgadiss. No one could screw up my life any worse than I've done already, and you've always kept your word and been there to scrape up the pieces."

"It will be risky for everyone involved, but Amelia thinks it will work, and I've come to trust her judgment as well."

"My, you two _have_ come a long way lately. Okay, I'll bring Shanna. She's been dying to go to one of our concerts and I know she's unhappy about...me. Knowing Amelia's charisma, Shanna will snap at the chance to share her woes with her. I...ah... really appreciate what you're doing for me. I've never told you everything; I can't, but you help me anyway."

"That's what brother's are for, Xelloss. We pull for one another in spite of what jerks we are. They go where even best friends won't go."

He nodded his thanks and said he had to go. He knew how much I hated to see a guy tear up...still...if it was unnecessary.

Xelloss' wife, Shanna, burst into our hotel room crying, "Oh, Miss Amelia! I have to talk to someone! You are the only ones I can trust. My family, friends...they are so far away. And...it is so embarrassing..." Shanna looked at Zel, "And you are a doctor...you may know..."

"Ah, I think the best place to start..." I began uncomfortably. Now that the plan was underway, I was anxious to get it over with. I was feeling sorry for this young woman unfortunate enough to get caught up and sucked into the vortex of the chaos-kid.

Shanna just began telling us about Xelloss' 'dysfunction problem', not stopping until Amelia handed her a glass of water. "I think you should go next door and speak to Lina and Filia first. back to us. It's really better that way. I promise they will know just the right thing to tell you; that is, one of them will."

When she had gone, Amelia and I crossed out fingers and waited. "I hope she comes back soon, I hate waiting," Amelia admitted.

And one of them did talk to Shanna. Less than fifteen minutes later, a distraught young woman barreled into our room, looking wide-eyed and genuinely fretful.

"Miss A-a-amelia? He almost married that Kiki woman? And you stopped it by...by... and Mr. Zelgadiss, you... you are _gay_ too? I thought you two were a c-couple?" she pointed at Amelia and myself, and then began hiccupping violently. "I mean, I didn't think Xelloss meant that when he said you were just 'friends'. But I guess... It's just that you don't_ look_ gay."

_Thank the gods for that bit of confidence building. _"Well, I hide it well."

Amelia took my deep blush as her cue to exit, "I'll be right back with a glass of water."

I asked the question whose answer I had been waiting for, "Ah, so who was it that told you that? Lina or Filia?"

"Miss Filia. I don't think Miss Lina wanted me to find out, but I'm glad I know now. It explains everything. Xelloss must...you both cover up... **_that..._** awfully well. I couldn't tell! But it's so icky. I just can't continue with this...this farce. I want no part in it. It's...sicko. I...I want out..."

Amelia stepped back in from the adjoining bathroom, catching the end of her rant. "Here, hold your breath, sip ten gulps of water and hold it until the hiccups go away," Amelia instructed. "Better? Good. I can see how you might not want to remained married under those conditions. Now, you come with me and let's talk. I'm a lawyer you know and I can help you out of this. I'm sure Mr. Xelloss will be just and most generous with you."

While Amelia led the obviously shaken Shanna out to the hotel coffee shop, I went to pay my friends a visit. I knocked on Lina's door first.

Lina shouted, "Yeah, we're decent!"

"Decent? Then I _must_ have the wrong room," I may have led off with a smirk. "No, I see, it's Lina and Filia, just the people I wanted to see," I caught Filia's eyes first, "What did you say to her?"

"Why?" she asked evasively. Perhaps she thought I was mad at her.

"Well," I looked at the edge of the bed, "mind if I sit? All right, well for starters, Shanna came into the room looking for advice. I recommended that she speak to the two of you. She then returned to our room and asked about the wedding-that-never-happened, which Xelloss had neglected to mention to her."

"What did you say?"

"I didn't say much. Amelia's with her now, but we confirmed all you said."

"_All?_" Lina asked.

"All, yes. It seems that story established both what you had told her and what she suspected about her husband. So... you told her Xelloss was gay?"

"Yes. It seemed kinder for her to believe that than that he didn't find her desirable, don't you think so?" Filia asked defensively.

I let out a big sigh. "Yes, Amelia and I thought so too. You know, he didn't want to marry this one, but she caught him at a low point and manipulated him somehow into believing she could make him happy, I guess..."

Lina broke in. "He must have been nuts."

That had been a low blow. I gave her a hard look and she blanched, "Sorry... I know he was really...ill."

"He was in a vulnerable state and maybe he hoped it was true—that Shanna could be of help to him. But...when he saw you back with the band..." I smiled at Filia, "He came out of his depression overnight. He and I had a talk. Filia, I have to know how you feel about him."

That must have distressed her, because she sat up so abruptly that she lost her balance, fell off the other side of the bed and hit the floor hard. "Owwwww!"

"She's still got a thing for him, Zel. The two need to talk about their problems and, say...can you get him in here while you and I go for a walk. I gotta idea," Lina asked.

Filia croaked from the floor, "Zel? Please, just do this one thing for me. Just let Xelly-bean know... I _care_ still."

"He will get the message," I promised, convinced now that she still did.

While Amelia and Xelloss' wife met in the hotel's coffee shop for some tough girl-talk, I searched out a nervously twitching, anxious Xelloss by the vending machines outside his room.

"Done," I said with smile and a thumbs-up sign.

"Really? She wants to leave me then? I can go talk? Does she want to...speak to me?"

"Yes, if it makes you happy, your wife can't wait to dump you," I smirked, then more seriously added, "Right now, Shanna's with Amelia discussing terms. She'll keep the damage to a minimum. And...ah...who is it you _want_ to talk to?"

Xelloss paled, "Filia, of course! Doesn't she want to see me? Is there a problem?"

I let out a huge breath of air, "Not at all. She wants you to know that she, and I quote, 'cares still.' Go for it, Xelloss. You have a lot of problems to resolve with her, if you want to re-establish any kind of friendship. Lina, too, if I read her rumblings about your 'idiocy' correctly."

"I know. Believe me... I know."

My next stop was with Lina, whom I ran into outside her room. "Lina, Xelloss is on his way to talk to Filia."

"Zel, your place empty for now?"

"Yes. We haven't much time until we need to get back over to the concert hall, but come on in," I said.

" 'S'okay. Sylphiel's on it for me. She'll let us know when to get moving."

I reiterated how Amelia's plan had worked, that Shanna and her were drawing up the basic separation papers at that moment and how it seemed both Xelloss and Filia were ready to re-build some kind of friendship, but to what extent and to what degree, only they would know.

"You seem overly interested in Xelloss' affairs," Lina observed.

"I want what's best for him, naturally, but I want to move on with my own life and I can't while his is in such turmoil."

"Humph! You want someone else to take care of him so you don't have to shoulder the responsibility for the rest of your life, is that more like it."

"That too," I admitted.

"If Filia wants to, she can try and force the clan to allow Xelloss into their training program. All she has to do is say she's leaving and taking Wolfpack with her."

"You've talked to her about that already? She truly wants to get back with him?" I asked.

"Ah, too many questions, there, Zel. I thought I'd see how this part worked first before informing Filia of her Island privileges. And I don't know what will become of them. Why get her hopes up if he can't get divorced or whatever, ya know?"

"I agree. I didn't mention it to him either, just in case. But I see at least one major obstacle in the way, besides Xelloss himself."

"Oh yeah? And that would be?" Lina frowned.

"Val, what about him? Is he stuck on Filia again? Will he be a problem? I haven't had a chance to even wave to him until this morning."

Lina smirked, "Val stuck on Filia? Ha! Not to worry, I'll handle him, plus I think I can get Val to pressure the clan in the same way."

"What? He'd mess with his Ancient Clan holdings to help Xelloss?" _But just a moment here... Hadn't Val been willing to intercede on my part with Lina before? Whoa... _It was nice to know those two had been keeping up their friendship, since I felt cut off from Val the past few years. But, for Lina to think she could strong-arm Val into jeopardizing his property rights and alliances with the park system was extremely doubtful. It was Lina, however...and at least she wasn't ordering me to do the dirty work...

Lina's expression turned sly, "In a manner of speaking... Anyway, here's what you have to do. If they seem gung-ho, just get Filia to tell Mil she'll leave the clan if something isn't done!"

"Is _that_ all? Why me?" So much for leaving me out of the loop. Apparently there was plenty of browbeating and coercing jobs to go around.

"You wanna tackle Val? Huh? I didn't think so. Nobody but me'll do that. In the meantime, Gourry and Sylphiel are doing all my band stuff, and Amelia's busy with Shanna. Which leaves you free to..."

"I get it, Lina. Fine. I'll talk to Filia later, if I get the 'all clear' from them."

My sigh must have said more.

"Hey, bud, it'll all turn out just great and in time for our reunion party. You'll see. For a cold, heartless, guitar freak, yer getting pretty good at this 'being in love' stuff."

With a smirk I replied with my customary wit and brilliance, "I'm about to become an expert at it," and left Lina wondering what I meant by that.

Wolfpack Island did not come as a surprise to Filia. She was aware of that blackmailing trick. Xelloss, too.

"So, what you might do," I proposed, "is use that as leverage over the Supreme Council. Let Xelloss join, or lose the island, the ultimate ultimatum; that is if his joining the clan is still what you guys want. I don't know, but it's an idea Luna and Amelia noted in their lawyer-like capacity..."

"Zel-bob! That's it! I'll give it a try and if they don't care, then the hell with them all. The clan can stuff it for all I care. I've given them _years_ of my life and they can't see fit to do one tiny, little thing for me. Well, I'll just quit. Xelloss is far more important to my future than them!And Luna had better act as my_ deux ex machina in_ this or I'll... I'll think of something!"

I had never heard her vent so much hostility on her beloved clan before. It was looking more and more like a sure thing, which worried me all the more.

The annulment, however, took no time at all-- credit going to Amelia. For good or evil, the odd couple _extremis_, Xelloss and Filia, were on again, and attempting to rebuild their relationship long distance, since Xelloss skipped off abroad immediately after securing his release papers.

In private, he told me he had agreed to accompany Miss Shanna back to her home and 'finish up' a few details regarding his un-syndicate work. Also, he wanted to distance himself from the Wolfpack Island blowup. He knew it would be messier if his involvement were put into question. He would return in time for the reunion party, he promised. What he didn't tell me at that time was that he was planning on applying his own brand of pressure on the Volphied clans to ease off him. He was not pleased to be their fall guy in Seyruun and their combination biggest hero and greatest enemy in certain parts off-continent.

So, fall loomed nearer and nearer and no ruling came overturning the previous denials of Xelloss' admission to the Cephied clan. This left my future uncertain, as well as Xelloss', Amelia's, and Filia's. We had this huge almost-ten-year-reunion party planned just for our band, to be followed by a concert where 10,000 tickets had already been sold! I hoped the gods would have mercy on us and make everything turn out all right.

Lina was incommunicado at this time, leaving me messages to the effect of, 'F---off'. So, maybe it was Val who was answering her e-mail.

Oh, and of course I had my last year of residency to face...and more tests. After completing a residency or fellowship, I had to obtain a medical license so that I could practice medicine. Becoming a board certified physician in a specialty involved the completion of my residency in psychiatry, then completing a comprehensive exam, written and oral, naturally. The workload only got wors

**

* * *

OKAY! That's enough from Zel.**

You don't want to read more about his hours of commitment and boring life at the hospital. Take it from me, I read it and... boring! So, I did a little editing and, okay, so I could go back and clean up that last line and put in a nice neat little segue into my story, but after that **flat out lie **misleading you readers about me and him having some kind of a day and night of unlimited passion in my bedroom, well he's lucky I didn't cut him off at the groin, if you get my point. You think I wasn't going to read that or something? Oh yeah, and don't you think that some anti-harassment clause will keep you safe from me, Zel-GA-diss! Have a little talk with Amelia and learn about _my_ justice system, if you need to.

So with that out of the way... I feel so much better now. I'm Lina Inverse and now I'm gonna set you straight on a few important details about the past nine and one half years. Maybe a few more, depends upon how much I get out of all this.

First thing I noticed was that everyone skipped over our trip to Japan, leaving that for me to tell, I guess, since I kept a journal and took photos. Well, actually, not too many photos, I'll get to that as we go along. So, to start...

The flight to Tokyo was long and boring. The plane did have a great in-flight entertainment system, even for Economy Class passengers... remembering that, we were essentially locked up in our assigned seats for 14 hours which just wasn't much fun to begin with. I think Zel shot Xelloss with a tranquillizer gun to put him out. I never heard a peep, giggle, or whine out of him. And if you have been paying any attention to my stories in the past, you know that that was an amazing and fortunate occurrence in such close quarters.

I discovered that there was something good about being 'of reduced stature.' All I had to do was look over at how miserable Gourry and Val were all folded up like pretzels to fit in their tiny cubicles and I felt much better.

Ah, what else... oh yeah, the food was okay but in these way too small servings. And it wasn't Seyruun faire. In fact, when the food came, there was a snail on my plate, but before I could pull a panic attack, Kiki gleefully grabbed it from me and ate it. I never could decide if it was there on purpose or crawled there by accident. Kiki said it couldn't have crawled because it was cooked, but that might have happened when they microwaved the plate. I don't know. I don't like snails though.

Tokyo, Japan. All hail and bow to the needs of the small and mighty! Our first look at our modest hotel rooms screamed just that. All except for Gourry and Val, who, thanks to Subaru's forethought (yeah, I knew he had prescience stuff going for him) had these more expensive rooms with specially ordered beds for giants '_Kyojin_'.

I crashed in the room I was to share with Amelia. But then I couldn't sleep. It was closer to 11:00PM, Tokyo time, and I was not only ravenously hungry, but exhausted and wide awake at the same time, so I dragged Amelia out onto the streets – although she was more than ready to go to sleep - in search of food. The streets were crowded and we didn't want to get lost, so after 30 minutes of looking around, we stopped at a convenience store, picked up some snacks and returned to the hotel to go to sleep.

Before I continue on, let me describe the hotel and our room a little. Our rooms were all scattered about on the twenty-first floor. There were no balconies, and the windows were sealed shut, except for a small three-inch wide slot that could be opened for ventilation. Our room had only one door, which was locked, but 2 sets of curtains, thin ones that could be drawn and still allow light through and thick, plastic-backed ones that could block out all the light. When I went to bed, both sets of curtains were drawn, blocking out the constant glow from Tokyo. Nothing fancy but clean, got that? Our room even had one of those infamous Japanese electric toilets that will... um... clean you up without the aid of toilet paper. The jury is still out on if that's a good idea or not.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, first night. So then, I awoke between 3:00 and 4:00AM, starving. By 4:00, it was bright enough to see, and I could get my first good look at Tokyo from our 21st floor window. As far as the eye could see-- which wasn't all that far considering how dim the sky was at that time of night or...day-- there was nothing but gray, multi-story buildings, expanding out beyond the range of sight. A skyline of buildings without end, and from this height, not many buildings obscured the view so it was a long vista. Not to put too fine a point on it, it was downright ugly. However, as the sky lightened, I could make out weird shapes. In one direction there looked to be a Ferris wheel—more than one which must have been parts of buildings. Was I seeing things? But then I was starving and not well rested, so...not at my best.

"Hey, Amelia! You up?"

"Uh...Miss Lina? Is something the matter?" She sounded groggy, but up.

"Nah, just feeling hungry," I was nearly dressed.

"You can't just go out all by yourself!" she cried as she slumped out of bed and into her clothes.

Then we took to the streets to look around and locate food. My first order of business was to get a good solid GPS (Global Positioning System) lock on the hotel in case Tokyo's legendary ability to get people lost tripped up Amelia and me, at least I'd be able to get a good bearing back to the hotel.

The 7-11 near the hotel had a selection of sandwiches and bento meals that, frankly, didn't look too appealing under the fluorescent-type lights, and I guessed none of the selections would be very substantial either. However, as with our previous other earlier food run, nothing else was near at hand, and hunger overcame reluctance so I purchased a 'I-don't-know-what-this-is' sandwich, and headed back to the hotel. The sandwich turned out to be a fried chicken patty and wasn't too bad, but I was left wanting more after five steps.

"Look! Miss Lina, there's Mr. Xelloss!"

It was Xelloss_ and_ Subaru, actually, although neither one of them stood out in the Tokyo crowds—yes, even at 4 AM there were lots of street people milling about. If Amelia hadn't been so sharp-eyed, we'da missed them for sure. We waved them down.

"Hey, next time drag Val, Gourry or Filia along so we can spotcha better," I suggested.

They had been sent out to look for us. They were carrying food, probably to lure me back to the hotel.

"It looks like a box," I said mistrustfully at the carton Subaru was offering me.

Subaru opened it to prove to me that it was in fact a container of food. "It is a 'famous' mixed _bento_ (box) lunch, with rice with _nori_ (dried seaweed) and a light broth to be poured over the rice."

It was very good, but I couldn't quite figure out what made it all that famous. Some things were just to remain mysterious.

Subaru had a meeting with some of his local cohorts that day so the rest of us had scheduled a half-day tour of Tokyo offered through the hotel when we reserved the rooms. I hadn't asked for a bus tour, but, with the limited time we had in Tokyo, it made sense that we'd at least get to say we'd seen a few things that we'd never get to on our own. Besides, part of the tour description said we'd be doing a **'drive-by'** of the _Diet_ (Japanese parliament) building. I wasn't sure when they were going to hand out the guns, but it sounded like an interesting way to spend the morning.

Our instructions were to meet at the hotel lobby at 7:20 AM to meet the 7:30 AM tour bus! That gave me only a couple hours to sleep!

I made it to the lobby on time. On the bright side, Amelia pointed out to me, with the sun out we could appreciate the brilliant colors and plantings. I replaced those first gray impressions of the city with these new ones. Tokyo was strikingly beautiful.

Naturally, someone who had signed up for the tour was late so we didn't get away till nearly eight, but I didn't care, we were on the move and starting our tour.

Nearly...

**In fact, we had to stop at 6 more hotels to pick up more tourists, which took two more hours! **Needless to say, I was not pleased.

Our last stop was at this one hotel where an Atlas City couple boarded the bus. They sat behind us and I was mildly entertained while the husband proceeded to bitch to his wife how we 'were 10 minutes late picking them up and now the tour would be delayed'. Frankly, I wish the SOB had gotten on the bus 2 hours earlier so he could have suffered with the rest of us as he deserved - he was getting off easy. (I mean, really, if you're going to gripe about stuff, why not just set up a web page and do it right?)

Actually, he was a real comedian. He filled the miles explaining to his wife things that surprised him about Tokyo, most of which were not worth noting, but one thing was: vending machines. Apparently, he had heard the same tales that everyone had that anything was available in vending machines in Tokyo. He had not witnessed this, having only seen soda and beer. I started thinking about it and realized that I could add lots to the list of things I had seen in street corner vending machines and I'd only been looking around for an hour tops! Of course, our friend also pointed out to his wife that one only saw vending machines on the back streets and never on the main streets. He said this oblivious to the fact that we were on THE main road and driving past a bank of 6 machines as he spoke.

Admittedly, I've got superior skills of observation, and so, I determined that I'd catalog everything I saw. So... I give you a list of odd things you can buy in a vending machine outside my hotel...

1) Beer and Sake, in king size glass bottles.

2) Realllly hot canned coffee, tea and corn cream soup.

3) Cigarettes

4) Condoms

5) Video Games

6) Porn videos (I have heard reports of a certain porno machine

outside of a boys' high school that sells out every day.)

7) Hot meals, i.e., hamburger, fried chicken, sea breem. Made while you wait.

8) Comic books, for kids and dirty old men.

9) Uncooked rice and fresh eggs.

10) Batteries

11) Men's shirts

As it turned out, the machines were like a sacrificial altar to some people, the way they left tokens of many coins at them. Zel was into Blendy coffee drink in a can with Crunky Biscuits. Sylphiel started collecting some other coffee drink in Art Deco designed cans, while Amelia was obsessing over this awful drink called _Qoo_-- some fruit drink with a 'cute' mascot thing the school girls were nuts over. I found it to be disturbing. Very disturbing. Although, food from machines everywhere and anytime was great. Which got me thinking... yes...I was beginning to think about breakfast and how I had missed mine.

With everyone on board, the tour began. We **drove by** the _Diet_ building and we could see there was a field trip of school children there, then we swung by the _Asakasa_ Detached Palace and stopped for a few moments.

The _Asakasa _Detached Palace was in use as the Royal Guest House. Originally, it was built during the Meiji period (Late 1800, early 1900s) and intended to show the rest of the world that Japan, freshly out of 200 years of isolation, was a progressive, modern society. It was designed similar to the palace of Versailles, and as such, didn't offer any great insights into Japanese-style palaces. Sigh, I was fast becoming bored _and_ hungry.

Our next stop was the _Meiji _Shrine. Built in honor of the late emperor _Meiji_, it was set in a huge, beautiful park in the middle of the city, populated with over 200,000 trees, all of which were donated from all over Japan. So dense were the trees that it was hard to believe that it was an 'artificial' forest.

At the entry to the shrine stood the largest wooden _tori_ gates in Japan. (I suspect that means the largest in the world also.) According to our tour guide, each gate pillar was from a single _Japanese_ Cyprus tree. Of course, they didn't have trees that big in Japan and they had to be felled in Taiwan. (The guide didn't mention that was probably done during the Japanese colonial occupation of Taiwan in the first part of this century.) The shrine was packed with tourists, including a group of school children on a field trip; I couldn't tell if they were the same ones from the _Diet_ building or not.

When we got to the_ Meiji_ shrine, we discovered that a wedding was in progress. The bride and groom in all their traditional Shinto finery were walking through the courtyard. The tourists, including ourselves and a flock of...yes...Japanese school children, were snapping away with cameras.

This was where I discovered that the 35mm camera my sister lent me was dead, possibly a victim of the Seyruun Airline gorillas that bounced our luggage around. If I was lucky, its problem was just a dead battery. Anyway, I let everyone else take the pictures.

Our next stop was the Tokyo Tower, or would have been had I not made a fuss about the NEED TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT! The tour guide rushed us all to a local restaurant that made _'o-musubi'_ - basically, rice balls, with stuff in the middle, wrapped in _nori_, the seaweed they use for _sushi_ rolls. It was totally cool, this was the only thing this restaurant made (well, they served _miso_ soup, and pickles with your rice balls, too.) They had some 30 varieties of stuff to put in the middle, so we could, and I most certainly did, choose whatever I felt like—some of everything. YUM! We need one of these places in Seyruun.

Before we got back to the tour, I demanded time to go into a tiny store across the street from the restaurant. I was writing notes to folks back home all the time, unlike the others in my band. I had picked up some really cool paper supplies, but when I went to address them, I noticed something strange: the Japanese envelopes I had, had no glue on the flaps. This meant that I had to have some glue to send a letter. Luckily, glue came in these nice tube things, and I found a spiffy one with a wide applicator at one end, and a thin one that applied a line of glue at the other.

I love Japanese office supplies. Make a note of that, heh, heh...

So, then we went to Tokyo Towers, which was 333 meters tall, or approximately 1100 ft tall. I probably annoyed Amelia by constantly repeating a line from a presentation we had made in Japanese class a few weeks back (I know I annoyed Zel because he was glaring at me at the time.) "_Tokyo Taawaa wa sanbyaku san neetaa desu."_ (Tokyo Tower is 333 meters.)

The tour included a trip to the first level observation platform (also known as 'the gift shop'.) Nonetheless, we had a great view of Tokyo from there, after fighting our way to a window, past yet another group of school children on a field trip. Don't the kids in Japan ever just sit in a dumb classroom like we always had to?

With a 360 degree panorama of Tokyo there was nothing to be seen except high-rises as far as the eye could see. Tokyo was huge. The sky was growing heavy with dark clouds, of course, and so we could not see far enough to get past the city itself. My hopes of seeing Mt. Fuji from Tokyo were crushed forever. We found out that what we were observing was rain and lots of it from a typhoon, which gave the island a near-miss and swung south.

We lost a few people at Tokyo Tower and that put the tour off schedule while the guide tried to track down 3 or 4 people in the crowd of hundreds. They had broken from the tour and paid to go to a higher observation platform so it took awhile to find them. To the tour company's credit, at least they didn't ditch them at the tower - although they did deserve it. I sure as hell would have.

Next we headed to the East Garden of the Imperial Palace, the only part of the palace open to the public. The palace was surrounded by a moat, in which people were floating around in rented boats and fishing. Beyond the moat, the grounds themselves had fortified castle walls. The stone walls were at least 15 feet thick and 20 feet, or more, tall. Inside was another beautiful garden with, Zel noted, azaleas and irises in bloom and there were many photographers out trying to capture the beauty.

Not _me _of course. Every school age child within a five mile radius was snapping pics, _but not me_.

That was where the tour ended and they left us. I got a good GPS fix on the _Ginza_ subway station so we could find our way home and we headed off in search of lunch or dinner or whatever meal was next. Time for another amazing, in-depth analysis from me: food prices in Tokyo seemed to vary wildly. At one place, we had $3-Seyruun-meal which cost us 1500 yen (or about $12.50). In other places, we found that the same meal might cost 1000 yen (or $8.35) or even a bit less. I never saw anything that wasn't twice as expensive as I'd expect in Seyruun. Some things were so expensive that you had to look three times at the prices to believe them. We saw some meals that cost over $50 that shouldn't have cost $5! One must have been paying for an awful lot of ambience at those restaurants, although they didn't appear to be swanky places at all. And all the bickering from me couldn't change the prices one iota! Not a dime, or yen or whatever. It did send Xelloss into a flurry of embarrassed chatter and bowing 'excusing' my audacity, which nearly got his lights punched out by me on one occasion. But moving on...

By this time Subaru was back from his 'work' and greeted us at the hotel. He took us to dinner at a local _tonkatsu_ (deep fried pork-cutlet with shredded cabbage and a rich sauce) restaurant and I had to concur, it was delicious. This dinner was the first occasion of many discussions entitled 'So What Will Miss Lina Eat?' My protestations of 'really, anything,' (Let me qualify this statement at this point, and I will tell you why later. Anything except _natto,_ made from fermented soybeans) 'I like Japanese food, honest' were met with nods and '_ah, soo desu ka_' ('oh, really') from the servers. Until I proved that I could both use chopsticks and happily eat just about anything they put in front of me, the waiters around me were worried that I wouldn't get enough food. I showed them!

Full of stomach and lagged of jet, we all found our beds after that and didn't move until late the next afternoon.

The next day I left the camera behind for good. New batteries didn't fix the problem and I could buy disposables in machines anyway, if I wanted to. And I really didn't. Mostly I found that photography was best left to those unable to record the details via pen, like Amelia who loved shooting digital pictures and downloading them to Zel's ubiquitous laptop (with help from Zel, naturally) each evening. It was almost 'puke-cute'. Zel was promising to become a well-trained monkey...er...in the boyfriend arena, that is.

We all went to the _Tobu_ department store, the largest in Tokyo and second largest in the world. _Tobu_, and nearby _Seibu_ were once the #1 and #2 **_largest in the world_**, but _Seibu _opened a larger store in _Yokohama_. Who'd guessed that?

I scoffed at the bravado at first, and then I saw the place. I found it really hard to believe there could be a larger department store. _Tobu_ was huge; it spanned three buildings which have been merged together at every level to create a long, single building. But how big was big? Well, take a large size department store in Seyruun or Atlas City; _Tobu_ was like that - on one floor. _Tobu_ had 8 floors, and 3 basement levels, with a subway station in it. It would have taken us days to look over the entire store. Instead, I decided to head for the toy section. The boys all decided that would be fun and followed along, except for Subaru who had to accompany the other girls because only he could be coerced into doing so and he spoke the language like a native, because he was a native.

When I finally located it, I was instantly annoyed that I was camera-free. The superhero Ultraman was entertaining the kids in the toy section along with Red King. My guess was that these were real costumes from the TV shows and I was struck at how short Ultraman really was. Wasn't he actually BIG? He should have been about 30 meters tall, but was actually only about 5'5". Red King, a Godzilla-like monster, was also smaller than he seemed on TV and had a long tail with a 'minder' following him around to prevent his tail from wrecking the toy displays. Later, Ultraman and Red King were replaced with a _mecha_-robot that I could not identify.

After that, I'd had enough of department stores; although Filia and Sylphiel hadn't so they dragged Xelloss along with them to visit that _Seiku _place while I went with Gourry, Val and Kiki to get some food. Be wary when you see the word 'pizza' on the menu. I discovered that there were certain popular pizza combinations everyone should try while in Japan (this is a cynic speaking, remember), like the 'tuna and seaweed' special, or the 'Potato Queen' with potatoes, corn, and mayonnaise. Hey, I won't eat everything on every menu! And don't let someone try and tell you differently!

At the end of that day, I finally crashed big time, and managed to get a decent night's sleep. Before that, my body had kept waking me up about once an hour to tell me to get up, what was I doing sleeping in the middle of the day? The 13-hour time difference took a while to get used to.

No diary of Japan would be complete without at least one comment about the toilets. I shall make several, this being...my second. The toilet down the hall in Xelloss' room (don't ask why I had to use his!) was a marvel of engineering. It was set up so that when you sat down, the room fan started up, and stayed on for a while after you left. There were about 5 different controls on the thing (you could heat the seat to the desired temperature, for instance. This might be nice in the winter, but seemed a bit odd to me in June, so I turned that feature off) and I couldn't even figure out most of the other controls. Just amazing.

And yet, public toilets (for instance, in train stations) were pretty grubby. It's my pet theory that this fancy-toilet thing was some sort of emotional overcompensation for the less-than-elegant old fashioned systems. As long as you've got all this high tech stuff, you might as well use it to pamper yourself, or something. I dunno...

The next day we all headed for a different store called _Tokyu Hands_. Imagine combining a great hardware store, a toy store, and a few other craft places, and put them all in one building. That was _Tokyu Hands_. Needless to say, I had fun, and managed to find just about everything on everyone else's wish lists. Just wandering around the _Ikebukuro_ district in the morning was cool, too. It seemed like everyone in Tokyo was out shopping, and _Ikebukuro_ had some huge department stores.

I managed to nab a quick pre-lunch of _ramen_ (Chinese-style noodles) that I could have prepped myself at home for half the price, but I wouldn't have had the same fun little man selling it to me.

Not to continue the toilet theme, _exactly_, but so far every single piece of plumbing and bathroom-related hardware I had seen was made by a company called 'Toto.' I was forced to go through the entire visit with songs from The Wizard of Oz running around in my head, as a result. ('And Toto too?')

Mid-day we headed to a local sushi shop which was rated among the five best in Tokyo, and I found out why. The food was amazing. The chef was a real artist, and a steady stream of small bowls and plates full of interesting tidbits, and pieces of _sashimi_ (raw fish) and _nigiri-sushi_ (fish on a little patty of rice) flowed from behind the counter and from the kitchen. I can't even remember what all we ate; it was mostly new to me. The chef was thrilled that I was not only willing to try everything, but that I enjoyed it, too. As a joke, he made a tiny rolled sushi (about 1/2 inch in diameter) with a tiny strip of tuna in the middle. In return I asked for a piece of _nori_ (that's a kind of seaweed dried in sheets) cut into a square and gave it to Sylphiel. Sylphiel folded a crane out of it, much to everyone's disbelief. _Nori_ is a bit hard to work with, but it came out looking like a crane, at any rate. Bunches of people took her photo holding the seaweed crane. I bet if we went back there, one of those pictures would still be hanging on the wall there. Sylphiel's a pretty capable lady, once you get her out of her old high school environment.

While I'm on the subject of odd food, I should mention the Japanese fondness for slimy, textured food. Fish, too, but the slippery-slick-jelly-thing was my point here. There's no other good word I can think of for it, and unfortunately 'slime' has nothing but negative connotations, especially for me. One of the sushi dishes involved the leaf buds of a pond plant, each one encased in a little bubble of this...interesting...substance. It sounds completely horrible, I know, but it was really good. Guess you had to be there.

No doubt more on the subject of slime, later.

Um... did I ever mention that I hate slimy things?

Anyway, we liked the sushi place so much that after an afternoon snooze we returned for dinner, at which point the prices doubled, unbeknownst to me. The bill was something that got totaled up at the end based on the number and color of those little serving dishes, as before. Unfortunately, since I couldn't even see over the top of my stacks, they just rounded to the equivalent of $200! Val covered for me that night. Hell, he had the bucks but it was damned embarrassing and he just went and did it without consulting me first! To shut me up, I suppose, he took me out sake tasting. Well, everyone else came along too. It wasn't just him and me.

So, I had sake for the first time. Different kinds. And since Amelia was the sake-cup collector, she ended up with a whole assortment of sake cups in front of her place by the end of the evening, each with a different type in it. Of course, by the end of the evening I had pretty much forgotten all the names of the stuff we were drinking...Ah well. I did discover, and remember the name of, a wonderful snack to accompany sake - it was, if you can believe it, grilled dried stingray wings, served with a spicy mayonnaise dipping sauce. I loved it.

We were all feeling pretty much back to normal by this time (read that as: still awake) and so when the conversation turned to karaoke at some point, and there were lots of places to do karaoke in Japan, we of course had to go. Now in Seyruun, most of the karaoke places make you stand up and sing in front of the whole restaurant. Here, however, they had these little 'karaoke boxes' which were tiny rooms with their own sound and video system, allowing you to show off only to yourself in front of a relatively small number of people—too bad!

So, I tried a couple of songs alone and with others in the band who I could stuff in the 'box' with me and sounded mostly terrific. It was especially nice for me to have company and a fun night out.

On the way back to the hotel that night, I got to experience (again) one of the strangest Japanese train-riding habits - sleeping. Really, everyone sleeps on the train and the subway. It was as if the whole country didn't get enough sleep (which, given their work and commuting schedules, is probably true.) Even on the subway, many, many people, regardless of the time of day, just sat there with their eyes closed, and at least napped. In the evening it was much more noticeable. There was something still really odd about sitting there that night in that silent train car, surrounded by people with their eyes closed.

Now to completely change the subject, sorry, but it's toilet-related: it appeared that most Japanese toilet paper did not have any perforations. Almost everywhere, there'd be a metal or plastic plate that sitting on top of the roll, and you'd rip it off against that. This was a ridiculous thing to notice, but I couldn't help it. Another odd thing... There was this product I wish they had in Seyruun - sugar syrup, in little containers. Maybe we have it, but I've certainly never seen it anywhere. Well, a few restaurants sometimes serve it in little pitchers with ice tea in the summer, but that's it. It's everywhere, in Japan, and they always served it to you with ice coffee and tea. I ended up buying a case of it in the grocery store, and mailed it home to myself.

I think it was the myriad tiny differences, like those, that made things feel so different, in Japan. On the surface, cities, houses, and people looked just like they did in Seyruun (well, ok, there are some obvious differences, like the writing system, etc.) But, scratch the surface, and you'd notice that everything underneath was different!

Most interesting.

Well, not all the gang thought so, Kiki was for a short time a little homesick and Gourry and Filia seemed bewildered like birds with no gravity. However, one thing we agreed all about: the most disgusting Japanese food that we had ever run across was _natto_. We were told in a smug sort of way, that it was made from soybeans which had been allowed to go bad, then covered in mucus, and (to be authentically Japanese) mold. Nice, huh? Let me tell you about _my_ first and most memorable encounter with the foul stuff.

So the night before I had ordered a Japanese breakfast in advance, ya know, so I'd be sure to get some fortification early. When I went down to the eatery in the hotel, I presented my ticket, and sure enough got breakfast. It consisted of a bowl of rice, a grilled fish, some pickles, some seaweed, and, of course, a small packaged bowl of _natto_.

I had downed the fish and rice with a tea wash, and was picking at the other stuff, eating slowly, when the waitress came over and informed me that, well, the drift I think I got was that I should have eaten the _natto_ first, and wasn't I happy with my breakfast? How come I didn't dig right into the _natto_? Didn't I know I was supposed to eat the _natto_ first?

Well, naturally I thought I was going to mortally affront this waitress if I didn't eat the damned _natto_.

I examined my 'treat' with curiosity and growing disgust. It was packaged in a single-use cup, with a top layer of plastic in case the underneath layer ruptured, and some little condiments (please - give me anything to make this taste a little less like _natto_) and then a bottom layer. I peeled off the plastic, and dumped the condiments in and stirred at it vaguely, dispersing the covering coating of mold. I thought of all of the odd things that I pizza, fried egg sandwiches, day-old, maybe moldy, cheese sandwiches...well, nothing quite approached _natto_. I thought of not eating it. The waitress was still waiting. If I didn't eat it, she might do something odd, like go off in the corner and commit suicide. Did I want her to commit suicide with those long fancy knives I'd seen used in Shogun movies?

As appealing as that might seem now, at the time it was only close. In the end, I ate it. The waitress relaxed and went away. You know, it was just as bad as it had looked. But after eating the _natto_, let me assure you that I was as awake as if I had drunk two strong espressos.

Subaru chose this time to enter the room, fresh from his shower and perky-sad as always. I waved him over and he joined me at my table.

"Y-you like... _n-natto_?" he both stuttered and choked.

"Hell, no, but if hadn'ta eaten it that woman over their might had killed herself."

He smiled slightly and said, "Most Japanese outside of the Tokyo area consider _natto_ as disgusting as you do. I usually excuse myself by claiming that I am allergic to it, and don't have to eat it."

"Swell," I snorted and pushed the cellophane packaging out of sight. "So, you wanna tell me what I just ate?"

"Oh, well, ah..._natto_ is made by inoculating soybeans and water with a special bacillus, traditionally by covering an open vessel with straw, and leaving the container in a warm place, say... next to a brick oven or kiln, for about a week. You were supposed to put it over your rice," he added hesitantly. I guess he was afraid I might make him eat the remainder if he got me too mad.

"Ugh! What, and ruin a perfectly good bowl of rice?" I took the last swig of my tea to wash away the awful taste in my mouth. "So, what are you having?"

"Pancakes. Made with rice four and with a plum topping," he smiled. "I'll share."

"You'd better believe it!" I laughed.

So the mystery of what food Lina would not eat (in great quantities) was solved, but only Subaru and I knew it.

And, in the mysterious department, we went to see a sake brewery after lunch at a great soba place that day. They only made sake in the winter, it turned out, so we couldn't see the process, but we did get a wonderful tour. The process was very organic, and they used a special mold to start the fermentation. There's a lot of emphasis on good water, and good rice, and _Ogawamachi_ was famous for both, they claimed, so they made good sake. There were a lot of superstitions about making sake, too; apparently women aren't allowed in while they're brewing (first off, it was really hot inside so nobody wore much in the way of clothing, which was one reason) but there seemed to be some superstitious thing to it as well, which embarrassed Subaru too much to explain it properly. And Xelloss was in one of his pensive moods and 'couldn't say.' In any case, none of that spoiled the place or occasion for me. The whole place smelled really interesting, not unlike a winery in Zephillia, just different. And of course, afterwards we got to taste things, just like at a winery.

On the way home we all stopped by one of the large department stores, and bought bento suppers at one of the shops in the basement. One of the neatest features of larger department stores was that the whole basement, usually, was one huge food-court, filled with deli-like counters that sold all sorts of food, from prepared meals to raw ingredients.

Outside, Gourry became absorbed in watching workers at a construction site. At first I didn't get what had him so fascinated, just a bunch of men in hardhats, right? Well, contrary to what you might expect, Japanese construction workers were not large people. In fact, even for Japanese they appeared to be a strangely uniformly compact and wiry people. It was an interesting contrast with Seyruun, where most people in construction jobs were at least average or larger build (like Gourry, for instance.) It was sort of strange to walk past a group of them (there was a new building going up down the street from the hotel) and be able to see over their hardhats...or so everyone **told **me. Gourry broke away with Xelloss in tow and loped over to the 'head supervisor dude'. Using Xelloss as interpreter, he asked about how they moved objects (lots of leverage) and reached things (pulleys.) After a few minutes, Gourry and the construction supervisor exchanged cards and bows. Gourry was grinning and proud of starting his own World-wide construction exchange network.

I had heard the film 'Blade Runner' often used as a way of describing Tokyo, and perhaps as far as the S_hinjuku _and _Shibuya_ districts were concerned, I could agree. I mean, whether you wanted sushi, singing, sex, or salvation, the chances were if you tried hard enough you'd find what you were looking for in those parts. Although sex was probably the easiest option to take. Once it got dark, we headed over to _Shinjuku_, one of Tokyo's shopping and nightlife areas, to check out the area and look for Tower Records and Kinokuniya Book Store. Japan was alive with people all the time, but _Shinjuku_ was swarming with them. Thousands upon thousands of people were walking around the streets. Fighting against the tide was nearly impossible in places.

Once again despite my having a really good idea where things were supposed to be, we couldn't find Tower Records. We continued walking a straight line and stumbled across the _Kinokuniya_ just as it was closing for the evening. We only had a few minutes to look around and then got kicked out. Heading back I discovered why we had missed the Tower Records store. Looking for the store on the street I had missed the glowing Tower records sign 7 floors up. Tower was also a bust, although they had several fascinating DVDs not available in Seyruun, they were also region-coded so that they couldn't be used on an ordinary Seyruun-type DVD player, and they were also astronomically expensive - the cheapest was $30 for a single DVD, which was far more than I wanted to pay for a DVD I was pretty nearly certain I wouldn't be able to watch.

Walking the streets, watching the lights and the swarms of people, I started getting hungry again. There was a chain hamburger store right down the street called '_Mos_ Burger'. The local inhabitants didn't seem to know where the name came from, but were very amused to discover that the name sounded to us Seyruun-speakers like 'a hamburger made of moss.' I got a teriyaki burger, something called a 'rice burger' (which had grilled rice patties instead of a bun, not instead of the filling) fries and a coke. It was okay. Filling anyway, which was more than I could say for Filia's lettuce wrapped construct, yuch!

Then it came to pass... day trips out of town by train. For the first day, our choices were Mt. Fuji and _Nikko_. Both were popular scenic destinations possible to take in as day trips from Tokyo. The near-perfect volcanic cone of _Fuji-San_ was the most well known image of Japan the world over, while _Nikko_ was a popular tourist spot known for its natural beauty and ancient shrines.

Now, ancient shrines interested me and all the priest/priestesses amongst us, though frankly, I didn't care which place was decided on. For Zelgadiss, it was down to which might afford the best look at natural surroundings. Based entirely on second-hand information and with a lot of gnashing of teeth, (okay, so Filia, Sylphiel, and Amelia were priestesses and Subaru and Xelloss priests...and so we out voted the mountain contingency 2 to 1) we opted to go to _Nikko_ rather than to Mt. Fuji.

Our train almost immediately pushed into mixed pine forest and before long we pulled into the town of _Nikko_, where we picked up a map at the train station and headed out on foot in the same direction as the other tourists and tour busses. No tour vehicles for us, no! At one point 9 tour busses passed us one after the other in a sort of tourist wagon train. Walking, it was easy to tell it was uphill all the way. So, maybe the tour bus package wasn't such a bad idea. Just hop off at the top and forgo the tour part. Too late.

We slogged on, eventually reaching the river and the sacred bridge, which was under reconstruction and completely obscured from view. A plaque declared this the entrance to the _Nikko_ World Heritage area for shrines and such. Super. At the top of a stiff bit of stairs was the ticket booth to see the shrines. They wanted 900 yen for a combo ticket, not all that much, really, but Gourry, Kiki, Zel, and I decided to go hiking in the woods instead. Let the other travelers report on the shrines!

We found a trail guide post and we decided to try a mountain trail up the street a ways that ultimately would lead us back to the train station. See? A bit of fresh air, leg stretch, then food at the station. Good plan. As we walked, however, we just couldn't find the darn trail, which should have been obvious. Zel had the endurance of a demon that apparently never needed to feed. Kiki was long-suffering, I guessed, leaving Gourry my only friend sympathetic to my starvation concerns. We pressed on a few hours longer.

There came a time when my grumbling stomach took all precedence, enough that Zel took pause.

"The prospects of pizza in _Nikko_ look pretty grim," he observed.

"Okay, so it's time to bite the bullet and eat at a Japanese restaurant," I said, all optimism and good cheer.

And with the intention of sucking out as much joy from me as he could, Zel added, "Fine. This should be fun without Xelloss or Subaru or Sylphiel around to translate the menu."

We passed a small family restaurant (with the obligatory plastic food out front.) Noting that they served traditional Japanese food and _tonkatsu_, which was that delicious breaded meat chop that I quite enjoyed before, I chose that place to eat. That said, it was very yummy, and came with a lot of side dishes. I should hope it was tasty, the bill came to 1,200 yen ($ 10) each! I tried to argue the price down, but my Japanese was bad enough that they just smiled and nodded and sputtered stuff I didn't understand, but what Zel thought was 'you poor idiot.'

Refreshed and re-energized we continued on until it was obvious we had totally missed the trailhead. We were at the turn off for _Jakko no Tori (Jakko_ Waterfall), which didn't appear to be a widely publicized tourist destination, and decided that would be our target.

2.5 Km (uphill) later we arrived at a small but tranquil waterfall in the beautiful forest, totally devoid of all other people. Despite being a hot, cloudless day, the water was almost freezing and we spent time just relaxing, playing in the water and enjoying the day.

Ultimately we had to leave and return to Tokyo. At least the walk back to the train station was all downhill. When we got back to our hotel at last and I was soaking my feet in the sink, Xelloss sauntered into our room refreshed from a shower and looking perky, "Zelgadiss did some calculations and found that you guys walked between 8 and 10 km, much of it at an 8 percent grade! How about that?"

I gave him 'how about that' and he left, the annoying twerp!

The next day I stayed in the hotel room, so did all my other walking mates of the day before, and watched Japanese TV.

Our next adventures out of Tokyo took us to the city of _Nara_ which had this cool deer park and lots of shrine places. Anyway, _Nara_ was the capital of Japan between the year 710 and the year 784. We were going there, Xelloss told us, because, "This trip to _Nara_ is an opportunity to confirm how intricately tied Buddhism and Shintoism are in the life of Japanese people."

"What makes you the expert?" I asked.

He pulled out a map and tour guide booklet from a shoulder bag and went on to _tell_ me **_why_** for the next few hours. "You do realize, Lina, that the two belief systems are somewhat complementary: while Buddha tells you that you have to count only on yourself, Shintoism gives you the recourse of a god to pray when in a dire strait."

Maybe so, but it appeared to me that the younger generation in Japan didn't really distinguish between the two, and practiced both seamlessly.

Anyway, as I was saying, nearly half of Nara city was this large deer park which hosted the _Kasuga _Shinto shrine. This was because, Xelloss told us, "the deity of the shrine allegedly came riding to the area on a deer."

Yeah, well that was one deer. Now, over 1,000 sacred deer were roaming around, and pestering, er... greeting the visitors. I mean, the deer were all over the place and not just keeping to the park limits. I purchased food to feed the deer while Kiki took my picture. While tame, these deer were a bit aggressive when there was food to be had. A bit of advice: don't place extra food in your back pocket because the deer can smell it and will be nipping at your pocket to get to the food. I know because I've been there and done that! Amelia got her hair ribbon pulled out and she ran around screaming after it, which was dumb because these were Japanese deer and they couldn't understand her, right? Heh, heh. Without much trouble we convinced Xelloss to offer a deer a cracker from his mouth. He did it, but wouldn't do it again for a picture 'cause it _breathed_ on him.

_Kasuga_ Grand Shrine was one of the most famous of all the Shinto shrines of Japan. Built in 768, the shrine was painted a bright vermilion color I could see for miles. I pointed it out to Gourry, "See that?"

"The red building?"

"That's the one. I want my house that color next time, got that?"

"Red? Ah...okay, but it won't be tall like that."

"I know. I can't change the architecture, just the color."

"But it won't look like that, Lina."

"I know, Gour-ry. I like the color, though."

"Oh, okay. Just so you don't get disappointed when it doesn't come out lookin' like that one."

"Why would I think a stupid thing like that?"

He gave me one of his sad looks, the kind he gives me when he knows I'm not going to like what he's about to say.

Zel stepped in to take the heat for him, for some reason, "Because you got upset with him the last time he painted your house because it didn't come out looking like a half-wooded fairytale house."

"That's not... Oh, yeah, well that was different. I wanted the wood and stuff put on the outside. This time I just want the color." I could tell Gourry was not convinced. To be kind, I changed the subject, "Hey, Xelloss, know-it-all guy! Tell us about this place."

Xelloss made a face at me, but did what he was told. He always did. "Since the temple's construction, worshippers have been bringing stone lanterns as offerings to the enshrined deities. Over 3,000 lanterns decorate the aisles leading to the shrine. Over 1,800 stone lanterns line the shrine precinct and another 1,000 are suspended from the eaves of the corridors."

I found all these little pieces of paper stuffed into some of the cracks and crevices of the lanterns.

Subaru stopped me from pulling one out to see what it was. "N-No, please! These tiny pieces of paper contain kind of... s-secret messages to the d-deities."

"Yeah, like: please take back some deer to your underworld!" I joked and slapped him on the back. "Don't worry; I wasn't really going to pull them out! Oh...um, sorry 'bout that..." I hadn't meant to knock the wind out of him. Jeez, some guys were just too soft!

Not to be bested by the Shinto deer lovers, the _Todaiji _Buddhist temple was also in the deer park. Xelloss translated with amazing fluency from his booklet, "The original, built in 752, was destroyed by fire and rebuilt shortly thereafter, destroyed again during the civil war, and eventually rebuilt in 1692. This latest version stood only 2/3 the size of the original one, but still was the largest wooden structure in the world!" With a grin, he added, "Take it away, Subaru!"

The poor guy blushed, but took the offered pamphlet and read aloud, translating as he went, "It was in _Nara_ that Buddhism first appeared in Japan and reached its peak in 752 when _Diahutsu_, the world's largest bronze statue of Buddha, was completed in the _Todaiji_ Temple." Subaru cleared his throat and continued, "This temple enshrines the Great Image of Buddha. _Diahutsu _is immense standing 53 feet high and weighs 452 tons; the largest bronze statue in the world."

And I gotta tell you it was enormous.

We were going to stay in Kyoto that night, so if we were to see more, we had to move on. I said that it was time to head out and we did. We stopped at the _Fushimi_ Shinto shrine.

"A superb gate welcomes the treasured worshippers to its most humble and hallowed grounds," Xelloss intoned reading from some new hellish brochure he'd picked up.

I ripped it out of his hands and poured over the writing. Turning it over I found a translation and scanned that. "Okay, so this temple was dedicated to _Inari_, the God of business." That was reasonable. I could buy into this temple's philosophy; it had a plausible reason for being. "It was originally built in 816, then burnt down and rebuilt in 1499." That's where the translation left off. "Okay so what's with the foxes, Xelloss?" He was dying to tell us. I could tell he was bursting with enthusiasm.

"_Fushimi **Inari**_ Shrine is the most famous of several thousands of shrines dedicated to **_Inari_ **across Japan. **_Inari_** is the Shinto god of rice, and **foxes** are thought to be his messengers. The **foxes** represent, with their thick and bushy tails, very full rice stems, ready to be harvested. Therefore, many **fox** statues can be found at **_Inari_** shrines." (The emphases were all his.) Xelloss turned the page and continued to read, but I had heard enough. The God of business I could understand but foxes waving bushy tails of rice was too much on an empty stomach, and I was increasingly aware of the empty state of my own.

"Over the years, worshippers have offered _torii or _gates to this god. Over 10,000 gates make a tunnel along the paths on the shrine's grounds. Theycover the hiking trails of _Inarisan,_ the wooded mountain behind the shrine's main buildings. It takes about two hours to walk along the whole trail," Xelloss read.

Two hours! I was not going to make it without sustenance. _Udon,_ a noodle soup topped with pieces of _aburaage_ (fried tofu), was served at small restaurants along the hiking trail. Naturally I had to try some. "Let's stop in here!"

"So what shall I eat?" Filia asked. She hadn't had too hard a time finding vegetarian food so far. "What's all this _kitsune udon_ about?"

Okay, so I could now read the word '_kitsune_' and understand it meant fox. Filia wasn't so adept at languages besides her own.

"Fox. It means 'Fox _Udon_'," I replied carelessly.

Filia threw down her menu and screeched in a most unseemly fashion, "They serve little...baby foxes...to **EAT**!" She looked scandalized, and looked at us as if we were dripping blood from fangs set in big beefy hunks of meat.

Zelgadiss, bless his wicked little soul said, "I think that's the Chinese you are thinking of. They eat dog meat, I understand."

"Ooooh!"

I was afraid Filia was going to go into a swoon and knock something over. "Maybe you outta find her something else on the menu," I said to Xelloss ever-present at my side.

"Maybe you'd like the... **_inari_** sushi, Filly?" he said with an evil little smile.

Okay, even she got the_ inari_-fox thing... WHACK!

Xelloss appeared stunned by the impact of Filia's handbag to the side of his head.

"You find me something on that menu that I can eat, you slimy piece of sewer trash!"

Oh, Filia must have been pretty wound up to call him that. I thought they'd become pretty good friends. I didn't want to see the look on his face so I buried myself in my menu as the waitress came to our table.

Subaru came to Xelloss' rescue, "Oh, you misunderstand, Miss Filia. _Kitsune_ is the name for fried tofu...it was said to be the favorite food of foxes, so these are all tofu dishes, not meat."

Things settled down after that, although Xelloss was quieter than usual-- which wasn't a bad thing, actually.

Wow, this is getting to be much longer than I'd thought. Of course, Zelgadiss took up the first seven pages or so, so it wasn't all my fault. But don't worry, I'm just getting warmed up here. I got lots more to tell, so hold on. Next time... Kyoto and my exciting adventure touring alone in Japan with an origami bike! Well, something like that.

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Sixteen.


	17. Moon Over Seyruun

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-09

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Seventeen: Moon Over Seyruun**

"Life is all a matter of perspective...almost." —Eric Knickerbocker

* * *

Here I am again, Lina inverse, story-teller supreme! Not that there wasn't another week's worth of stuff to see in Tokyo, but we only had so long and there was more of Japan awaiting us. So we set out to see _Nara_ and the deer then it was just a short trip by _Shinkansen_ (Bullet Train) to Kyoto, where we were planning to stay overnight a few days.

"Kyoto moves at a slower pace and will give you a better sense of Japanese art, architecture and culture," Subaru promised us.

I believed it. I was sitting between him and Xelloss—they had the most to teach me here, except for Sylphiel who _had_ been sitting next to me until Xelloss changed seats to show me the map of our trip. I relieved Xelloss of the burden of his area map. Kyoto did look compact enough that a short taxi ride could take us from the city center to the lushly wooded hills and scenic walking trails.

Xelloss found a brochure, one of many he had procured ahead of time, and began his reading for our benefit: "Kyoto is known for its _Gion_ District, where young apprentice _maiko_ are schooled in the arts of the _geisha_. Kyoto offers a wealth of Buddhist temples, Shinto shrines and classical Japanese gardens...blah, blah, blah..." (The 'blah's' were mine. I drifted off to sleep at some point.)

In Kyoto, we settled in briefly at the _Ryokan_ (hotel) _Ichume_ located on a small street running parallel to the _Kamo_ River. It was not stellar but it was comfortable and had **character**. Subaru blushed when I stressed the character part, forcing me to press him a little to 'spit it out.'

"Ah, yes, M-Miss Lina. Well, this neighborhood used to be a _Yakuza_ area, and our _ryokan_ used to be a house of p-prostitution."

Now, how's _that_ for character!

The owner was very nice, and the price was only 2000 Yen a night, no breakfast, but always plenty of hot green tea. We left our bags and headed out into the town. I found the entire place very charming with an 'old world feeling'. I loved the old houses along the banks of the River _Kamo_. In fact, all of Kyoto was gorgeous and loaded with places of higher education and shrines. Lots of them. All kinds. I think we visited every one of them. I know we did. Hey, we had two priests and three priestesses in our company, remember!

Ah, there was a temple with holy water spewing from pipes and things. We used long handled ewers to get a taste and Gourry filled up his water bottle. Really old and beautiful _Koi_ fish swam in ponds where fishing was _not_ allowed, I discovered, heh, heh... No need to tell that story... Moving on.

Various votive tablets were hanging on a wall.

"The ones on the left express wishes," Subaru explained to us.

Sylphiel was excited to be able to tell us something too, "When you are sick, or like when you want something, you make 1,000 paper cranes (using the Origami technique) and offer them to the gods. You can see those offerings on the right side. Each contains 1,000 paper cranes, tied together with a rope!"

Everyone wanted to take our pictures; well me and Gourry and Filia and Val because we looked way different from the natives. So did Zel, but he refused to be 'the freak in the freak show.' Sylphiel, Subaru, Amelia, Xelloss, and even Kiki for the most part, blended in with the locals. Next on our list of 'things to do' (Zel's of course), we visited the beautiful _Kinkaku-Ji_ Temple, which translated literally meant 'Temple of the Golden Pavilion'. And if that wasn't enough, its proper name was _Rokuon-ji_. I had my journal along to get all the names straight, although Xelloss seemed to know them by heart and Subaru was a knowledgeable guide.

The history of the temple was interesting. As Subaru told it, "In the 1220's it was the comfortable villa of _Kintsune Saionji_. In 1294, _Yoshimitsu_, the third shogun of _Ashikaga_ abdicated the throne and started building _Kitayamaden."_

When Xelloss waved a pamphlet shouting "Me, me," Subaru smiled and let him have a turn.

"_Ashikaga_ took special care to make _Kinkaku_ a breathtaking site. He lived the life of a hermit or "_vanaprastha_" as it is known in Sanskrit in the serene setting. In due accordance to his will, _Kinkaku_ was made into a Zen monastery after his death."

Even as I ran up ahead with Gourry, I could still hear Xelloss intoning, "Observe the three types of architecture in this building. The first floor is _Shinden-zukuri_,"

"That's the palace style," Subaru translated. "It is called _Ho-sui-in_."

Xelloss continued, "The second floor is _Buke-zukuri_—"

I heard a pause as he waited for Subaru for the trade-off of information.

Sure enough, Subaru was catching on to the game, "Which is the style of the Samurai house and is called _Cho-on-do_."

Once more, Xelloss read, "The third floor was _Karayo_ style or—"

"The Zen temple style and is called _Kukkyo-ch," _Subaru said, now chuckling I had to hand it to Xelloss: he certainly did his best to cheer up the kid and make him feel a part of our group.

"The second and the third floors are covered with gold-leaf on Japanese lacquer. The roof, upon which the Chinese Phoenix settles, is thatched with shingles. A number of renovation projects were done on this building and the building as it stands today was completed in 1987," Xelloss finished as Gourry and I turned the corner and were no longer within ear shot.

Outside, there was a beautiful lake called Mirror Pond or _Kyoko-chi_, which contained many large and small islands. A few steps further and up, there was another small lake, _An-min-taku_ with a small pagoda called _Hakuja-no-tsuka_. There was also classic teahouse called _Sekka-tei_, which had a celebrated pillar whose name I didn't write down in time. Standing guard at the temple's exit were _Fudo-myoo_.

By this time my interest was waning and my hunger was escalating to monumental proportions.

"Um, Lina, I'm gonna see what's to eat over there. Wanna come with me?" Gourry asked.

"Read my mind!" I laughed and slapped him on the back in a grand show of camaraderie.

He started coughing, but nodded his head. So...we found a noodle place and slurped up bowls full before the others caught up with us!

Sylphiel was in charge of our next stop, the _Nishijin_ Textile Center. There was a fabulous display of various Japanese handicrafts, jewelry, silk fabric and even varieties of tea. Sylphiel spoke to a woman, one with whom she had done trade with in the past when she was sewing kimonos from imported fabric. "Everyone! Come this way and we'll get to see a demonstration of how Japanese silk is made! And then we get into the kimono show!"

Worms. Creepy ones. Spin cases. Soak cases. Make thread. The key to it was feeding thousands of worms. Gotta tell ya, I could do without silk after that.

The place had a fantastic collection of silk kimonos costing as much as $10,000.

"Hey, Sylph! Look at this one. It's not nearly as pretty as the ones you've made and look at what they're charging!"

"Oh, Lina, thank you but...I used a machine, these tiny stitches were all done by hand," she demurred.

"So? They use technology now, don't they? Doesn't mean yours are any less good." Which was true. She was talented and should do more of that kind of stuff.

Surprisingly, the most exciting event of the place was the Kimono Show where some gorgeous women cat-walked to authentic Japanese music wearing a selection of the traditional and most beautiful kimonos. I had to jab Val to a conscious state every so often. It might have been a bit too much for his weak little lust-filled mind to handle.

"—and they were all fully clothed!" Val muttered nonsensically when it was over.

Xelloss cocked his head and asked in a teasing tone, "Too long without a girl, eh Val-lee boy?"

"What do you mean? You have Lina, Amelia, Kiki, Filia, and Sylphiel to help you out, don't you?" Subaru asked, completely missing the point.

The 'boys' nearly popped a gut on that one before Xelloss sputtered out, "Not...in...the...way...he neeeeeeds, sweetie pie."

Filia and I took turns pounding the smut out of them both. Gourry did the honors and explained 'life' to the clueless and truly innocent Subaru, and so avoided my wrath. Zel, snickering in the background, got off with hardly a pat, since he had hurriedly linked arms with Sylphiel to chat about buying fabric. The fashion show made it worth the visit to the shop even if we hadn't bought anything there. Which we did. Sylphiel arranged for all our purchases to be packaged with her humongous one and then to be shipped to Seyruun together and save money. Now _that_ I could appreciate! Plus, it saved us from having to lug around a bunch of parcels. Shrewd business girl, huh? Maybe getting outta high school, where being brain-dead or at least numb was encouraged by one's peers, was doing Sylphie some good.

We then lunched at a traditional Japanese restaurant with slippery and soft tofu which we had to manage using chopsticks. It was kinda like the Japanese martial arts which use controlled and subtle aggression with infinite amount of grace. I at least had mastered the little devils; it was that or starve. And I, Lina Inverse, was not about to starve!

Next was the _Sanjusangendo_ temple, another beautiful temple with three levels featuring shrines for health, love, happiness, safe journey and what-not.

"Oh, Lina?"

"What now, Xelloss?"

"Oh...ah, I thought you might like to take this path."

"That one? What's so important about that one?"

"It looks...interesting," he said looking away and trying not to be to persistent. I figured something was up and he wasn't going to tell me, so if I wanted to find out I would have to follow him.

Knowing all this, I still did it. "Yeah, sure..."

We passed an extraordinary number of young people, and not dressed in school uniforms. In fact, I noticed that the walk was fully occupied by teenagers—with their eyes closed and giggling.

"What's their problem?" I asked suspiciously.

"I neglected to tell you something," he said lightly.

"And what was that?"

"We are supposed to close our eyes when we pass between those two rocks. It's a mystery to me!" he added to fend off my near-attack.

"Fine."

"Would you like help?"

"No! I can walk by myself. Let me do it alone."

I was doing just fine until I bumped into a firm arm, "Hey!"

"It's just me, Lina. I nearly stepped over the edge here and stopped. Looks like I blocked your way."

"I think this path's rigged. It feels like it slopes one way. Okay, I'm back on track. Get moving."

"Aren't you there yet?" I called out to him. He was in front and should have reached the rock by this time. I was tempted to crack open my eyes to see where we were, but didn't.

"It seems I've gone off course." His voice was off to one side.

"Yeah, you need to come this way. I remember a couple offshoot dead ends that way. Back up until you hit me..."

"Lina?"

"That's me. Now go straight and we out to be there."

And we were. And so were a gaggle of happy couples babbling so fast I couldn't understand anything.

"What are they saying? Is something wrong?" I demanded.

Xelloss was wearing his impish smile and started messing with his hair. Oh gods...what had I done?

"It seems that I didn't read _everythin_g."

"No doubt..." I sighed.

"Apparently, this is called the 'love walk'. The story is that if one can walk eyes closed between the two love stones and reach the other one safely, then he or she would be successful in love. If it takes the help of another to do this, then he or she would need someone's help to achieve love." He hid behind his bangs so I couldn't read his eyes.

"What a lotta of bunk! I don't need anyone's help setting the course for my life." However, I could really identify with the dichotomous nature of the country, being so scientific and automated in almost every walk of life and, yet, still nurturing this kind of belief.

While I was considering a suitable punishment for him, Xelloss turned and look past me at some unseen distant object. "I suppose so. But wouldn't it be nice if it were all so simple?"

For a moment his eyes filled with a mixture of anxiety and longing. He was serious and worried about where he was going in his life-- that was for sure.

I let him off the hook, since he had hung himself on one already. "Well, I wouldn't worry about it. Everything will be all right."

His smile returned and his eyes disappeared as he looked down and away submissively. "If you say so. We can catch up to the others this way."

We moved on to our last stop of the day,_ Ryoan-ji._ The main building of the temple is called the _Kuri_, which played second fiddle to the dry garden_ Ryoan-ji_.

"What does this say, Mr. Xelloss?" Amelia asked as she sat down on a rock and pointed to a stone water basin.

Xelloss knelt obligingly to read the inscription, "The _Tsukubai_ appears to be etched with a significant Zen thought: 'I learn only to be contented'.

"Ummmm," she smiled. "That's nice. I'd like that back in my garden."

"I'll remember that then," he smiled and grasped her hand in order to help her to her feet.

"Thank you. There's so much to see and I didn't bring my camera today. Good thing I have you and your photographic memory to rely on!"

I thought the two were pretty cute walking along hand-in-hand, brother and sister like. I noticed Zel watching them out of the corner of his eye and wondered how trusting a guy he was these days. I knew he had a jealous streak, I just didn't know how deep. I tensed, ready for trouble, but Zel just turned and walked on, not saying a word or looking troubled. I was happy that he was able to see past the obvious need-for-contact Xelloss and Amelia had and to recognize their deep friendship.

The accompanying lake-garden, called _Kyoyochi_ Pond, sported an attractive, to me anyway, small restaurant next to the water. With little effort, I directed the group in for another nibble. We grabbed a bite of noodles in take away cartons for a snack and then...

"The simple rock garden of _Ryoan-ji_ is regarded as Japan's most famous '_kare sansui'_ or dry garden of this category (the _Daihi-ji_ Zen monastery also has a nice dry garden). A visit here is a quiet, contemplative experience..." Xelloss chanted on and on as if nothing ever bothered him.

"Quiet...even if you are perched on the edge of a wooden veranda along with dozens of other curious visitors, chattering school kids, and crying babies," Zelgadiss grumbled in my ear.

"Quiet for those of us with hearing in _normal _audible ranges," Xelloss and Zel traded brotherly smirks before he continued reading, "It was probably created around 1450 when the complex was converted to a Zen temple, although it was 'rediscovered' in the 1930's and has risen in popularity ever since."

"The mornings are usually less crowded if you seek a more private experience at the garden," Subaru sighed.

Couldn't change that now, so we looked around. The walled rock garden had a rectangular perimeter, with trees acting as a natural backdrop.

"There are fifteen stones of various sizes and shapes arranged into several clusters amongst a pit of whitish raked sand," Xelloss told us.

"That's because the number '15' represents completeness in Buddhism," Subaru added.

Great. White sand, 15 rocks. Garden? Some of the stones were dotted by bits of green moss-- _that_ made up the plant life.

"The stones have been placed in such a way that it is impossible (except by overhead view) to see all fifteen stones at one time, as one may be "hiding" behind another from certain vantage points. It is believed that the rock garden is a "riddle" created by the Zen masters to test and enlighten their students." Xelloss' smile widened and he looked at Subaru, asking, "Riddle?"

"Y-yes! It is like a Zen Rorschach test (pronounced 'roar shock', you know, those inkblot tests) to see what the garden means to you and what it appears to represent to you. For the ordinary viewer, this all looks like just a bunch of rocks, but it is still interesting to enter the Zen thought process just a wee bit," Subaru's eyes actually lit up! I though it was worth the trip just to breathe some life into the poor kid.

To my amazement, Subaru opened with the longest speech I'd ever heard from him—and the stuttering which plagued his speech patterns was absent. "The garden expresses both aspects of Zen philosophy through a minimalist aesthetic that has become characteristically Japanese. Silent contemplation of it encourages that elusive 'oneness' and abstraction of the mind. It is also a riddle, set by an unknown Zen master some 600 years ago. It is composed of 15 stones within an area of carefully raked gravel, but the stones are laid out in such a way that wherever you stand - and this is the critical part - you can only ever see 14 at once."

"Ah, ha!" I said aloud. _A test!_

I wasn't sure how this was riddle exactly, so I stuck with the more entertaining conundrum of trying to figure out what the stones were supposed to represent.

"Tigers swimming across a river," was one suggestion from Filia.

"Logs floating downstream," was another from Amelia.

"Fifteen stones covered with varying quantities of lichens (not 'moss', I was corrected)," was Zel's far too literal interpretation.

I clearly had a way to go myself as I was imagining clouds and...

"'Gators!" Gourry suggested unexpectedly. "Just like that time you saw that one in Zephillia, remember Xelloss?"

Xelloss smiled and nodded, "I was thinking along those lines myself."

Gourry, pleased to have solved the riddle, at least in his own mind, continued to wander and 'contemplate', I suppose.

Subaru started to explain again, "As regards to the Zen interpretation, (which appealed most to me, viewing the garden from the verandah, it was indeed impossible to see all fifteen stones. But the point is that the garden was not meant to be viewed from the verandah; that was only how we were forced to see it today) the garden was meant to be seen from inside the _Hojo_, sitting comfortably on the _tatami_ - and in that case, all stones were visible."

Oh. There went my inner understanding processes.

Over dinner that night, Zel and Xelloss got into an idiotic argument. So much for Zel's maturation prospects. Gourry said one stupid thing after another, frustrating me to all get out. Val was surly, Filia crabby, Amelia wanted to read a book, Sylphiel was tired, Kiki and Subaru were the only two I cared to share space with, but I needed more space. I loved my friends, you know, but there were times I needed to be traveling on my own. I wandered outside the restaurant while the others gathered themselves and followed, making our way back to our hotel. Along the way, I noticed a small store featuring traveling attire and accessories, which got me to thinking...

Yes, I had had it with the shrines and my associates, so the next day I stepped into the travel store, bought a folding bike and headed out on my own, much to the irritation of my friends. "I got the cell phone you gave us all, Xelloss. If I have any trouble, I'll call."

I tested the folding and unfolding of the bike until I knew I had it down, and then I was off. Yes, my bike. With it, I could clatter along pavements, accompanied by herds of schoolgirl cyclists in sailor suits and weave among the suited businessmen. Then, at the impeccably clean train station ticket hall, I performed my collapsible-horse magic. So you can fold a piece of paper into a crane? That's nothing! Watch as my bicycle turns into a satchel-sized modern sculpture! See the wheels nestle together like the eyes on a Picasso!

Passers-by cooed as my bike melted into its carrying bag. Surprisingly, in a land where petty crime was as rare as an anorexic sumo wrestler, unlocked bikes (and umbrellas) got 'borrowed'. Anyway, I took my bike everywhere with me whether I was riding it or carrying it. It fit snugly in crammed commuter trains, buses, and phone boxes. It was so small it even fit - incredible, but true - inside a Japanese hotel room.

What did I see...? Well, there were the inscrutable roadside advertising signs in the language of Seyruun. One said confidently 'YES. AMENITY IN HUMAN LIFE', a sentiment I'd thoroughly agree with if I knew what the hell it meant. (Later Subaru informed me that it was for financial services, so it made no less sense than their Seyruun counterparts' ads.) A common road sign advised me to 'BEWARE OF MONKEYS'. I found only one example of graffiti: several well-drawn Disney characters festively decorating an underpass, which all goes to show that, by Atlas City standards, Japanese vandalism is pretty... Mickey Mouse.

Dawdling through a remote fishing village, I saw three men at their picnic lunch, dressed in extraordinary clothes. They carried staffs and bells. They wore lampshade hats, and white robes emblazoned with Chinese characters**. And Reebok trainers and North Face rucksacks. **

This I had to learn more about! So, I stopped to talk. Lucky for me, they could handle my language well. They were _henrosha_ - pilgrims doing the 88-temple circuit of _Shikoku_, a historic trail which atones for the 88 earthly sins. (What were the other 81? Clearly the Japanese were not as strait-laced as many people thought.) It could take weeks to do on foot, though I ran into people doing it by bike, public transport, motorbike, and car.

When the Japanese did something, I found, they most usually went about it properly. For around $300, shops on the trail sold the complete pilgrim's package: hat, staff, robes and bell, plus a large book where you collect the name of each temple visited. The temple's name was inscribed by the priest in artful calligraphy, done so skillfully that it was totally illegible even to very educated Japanese. Cool keepsake.

I was gone just one night then road back. It was a memorable experience for me, so I jotted down a few experiences with which, along with a few other ones from earlier that I hadn't written about before but were notable enough in importance to grace my journal. I end my tale of our trip to Japan with these insightful reflections:

--Outside many businesses stood long rows of dozens or even hundreds of lockable umbrella stands located outside. Very handy.

--I put a wrinkled, worn 1000-yen note into a vending machine, and it was instantly identified and accepted it--no muss, no fuss.

--The sound a bottle of Diet Coke made when I open it was different, more of an explosive 'pop' than the gentle hiss of Coke from Seyruun.

-- Japanese school children go on a lot of field trips.

--People bicycled on the sidewalk. They did it politely, but some of them were doing computer work on their Web-enabled cell phones while they were pedaling. In fact, I saw very few folks actually making cell phone calls anywhere, but lots of folk who were using their phones for data.

--I was also only sort of prepared for Japanese commerce. I vaguely knew that there were 7-Elevens to be found, but I didn't know that I would find convenience stores on practically every block, and that they would sell practically everything.

--Convenience, in general, was important. So was gadgetry. And they melded these interests in a million ways, ranging from ones I approved of (as in a conveyor-belt sushi joint I visited) to ones that were a little alarming (like those five-function toilets with a push-button dashboards.)

--The Japanese love of cuteness I was aware of, but again, it went even further than I had expected. It was, at first, startling. When I went to the Tokyo Tower with my friends earlier in our trip, a strange cartoony anthropomorphic tower character was lumbering around, which grownups seemed more interested than the kids. Later, I noticed the warning signs on the subway showed an adorable kitty getting his tail caught in the door. By the end of my bike trip, however, I had grown a thicker hide, I guess, since I barely gave it a moment's thought when I rode by a row of stores and encountered a giant teddy bear that strolled past me and cheerfully waved.

--As for the people, I really liked them. Some spoke my language well, others used certain phrases haltingly, and some knew as much as I knew Japanese. In spite of the language barrier, they certainly lived up to their reputation for politeness--I'm not sure if Seyruun's finest salesperson would equal the treatment I got from the guy who sold me some sushi at a convenience store.

--Everywhere we went people would bow--at the convenience stores, on the street, everywhere. By the time I formed the habit of returning their polite bows, it was time to go home.

It was hard leaving. I wanna go back sometime.

All right so where was I going with all this? Oh, yeah, the story from my point of view of what happened to us to get us to the time of our ten year reunion party. Let's see...musical...Japan... Got it, okay, so after that we had a lot of gigs for the band and learned new stuff and all. Then I started college in fall. I had made up my mind that college was gonna be more meaningful than high school had ever been. After wasting my brilliance in the stultification of my high school classes, where I practiced academics at most one and one-half hours out of every six hour day there (although I did exercise my patience, tolerance, and sometimes even my wit in the lunch room with my friends,) I was looking for challenges.

I found them.

My advanced placement courses excused me from freshman-level classes at large, which meant I was placed academically and with respect for actual age in with more mature kids. Nice for a change. They behaved and listened to the lectures. No one acted out, passed notes, or jumped out windows. Oh, hell, just me. Just that one time. Hey, you weren't there! I had to get some air and my seat was right by the window. It was open, just hanging open and all I had to do was climb and jump. Yes, it was the ground floor! What do you think I am, mad! I don't have delusions of flying, that's Xelloss you got me confused with. Anyway, what was I talking about? College, I had found my future and a place to shine and converse on topics of interest outside the world of The Slayers. It was exciting, and- excuse the trite sounding word- _magical. _And I'm not referring to the flying part either!

Oh, and Gourry and Xelloss were both pretty busy and, so, out of my hair most of the time. Don't get me wrong, they're my friends and I love them both, but...way too clingy, insistent, and dissatisfied with the status quo, ya know? If I'd go 'out' with one of them, the other'd get pouty and want more. Xelloss, while smaller, was all over me mosta the time. Gourry would just loom over me, waiting expectantly. What was their problem? I had made it clear that I wasn't looking for a 'relationship'. I wanted my band, my friends, and my freedom. So, I'd finally escape with Amelia, when I could pry a moment out of her busy schedule, or when I had a break, I'd go see what Val was up to over at the Art Institute, or hang with Zel at his favorite campus coffee shop, the one with the 'bottomless' cup and wireless hookup.

All in all, it was a great year.

By spring, though, I was already looking forward to summer again and spending more time writing on my own and playing music. One Saturday, Xelloss dropped by my house and Luna left with my mom to 'give us some space.' They coulda done that any time, but I knew what they were up to: trying to fix me up with Xelloss. It musta been his money...

He was smiling at me and making himself comfortable on the couch. "Hi."

"Hello, Xelloss. What do you want?"

"Space?" he grinned.

"Yeah, well I'm pretty busy. Go take up space someplace else."

He was crestfallen, for an instant. "I came over to be with you, Lina." Brightening he added, "Let me take you to lunch and a movie, okay?"

I wandered over to the couch and sat on the arm overlooking his head. "Your bangs are getting long. Looks like you could put your hair back into a ponytail."

"I know. Filia's been too busy for me, _too_."

Guilt, guilt, guilt. "I could take a whack at it," I suggested while fingering a sleek hunk of his unnatural-looking, purple hair.

His eyes widened, horror-struck by my proposal, then came his warning mischievous glint. I dropped the hair, but didn't move fast enough. He had his arms around my waist, and dragged me down on top of him, head first. There was a lot of wriggling and twisting around as I tried to free myself, but he was quick to re-adjust and make every movement work to his advantage. Oh, I was tickling him when I could because he wasn't letting me get in any punches, so he was squirming and giggling, which got to me after awhile, making me convulse with laughter.

I mean it; he's a funny, fun guy, mostly.

We met face to face at one point. His face was so close I could see the pores, tiny and perfect and unclogged, and the shadow of a moustache shaved close but casting a faint blue color above his upper lip. Then I melted into a kiss. It happened fast. The struggle, the fun, the closeness. How had he gotten under my skin? No, make that under my blouse!

"Stop that!" I insisted.

"Okay, but are you sure you mean it?"

His hands were stroking my skin, working relentlessly upwards. I wasn't wearing a bra, which he discovered.

"Xelloss," I wanted his hands off me now. I was feeling all tingly, but not in control.

"Hmmm," he managed as he pushed up my blouse.

"Cut that out. I mean it. Stop!" I had to shove his face back into a pillow to get his attention. "Enough of the fooling around, Xelloss. You said something about taking me to lunch. Either we do that, or you gotta go."

He was breathing raggedly. He was having 'control' problems too. "O...okay." He didn't look pleased, but he didn't try to stop me from getting up.

"Listen, Xelloss. I know you think I want more of...that kind of stuff. But I don't. I like you fine, but I get tired of having to fight you off all the time."

He opened the door for me. "How would I get you to kiss me otherwise?"

"That's just the point. I don't want...to do that stuff. I know you sleep with just about anybody that will have you, isn't that enough for you already?"

"That's just not true! I don't...sleep with...anybody. Gods, Lina I'm not that desperate. You don't think so really, do you? Please, tell me you think better of me than that! I'd do anything for you..."

"You'd leave me alone?"

"Well, anything but that. I thought we were doing fine. I thought you were starting to kiss back like you might be liking me for a change."

"I do,_ like_ you, but I don't _want_ you—get the difference? You want me to be yours and I am not into that. I am me and I want to keep it that way. Get it?"

"But I can give you anything, Lina. Take you everywhere you want to go. You could live like a princess...like a Queen!"

I had to give Xelloss that. He did know how to seduce a girl like me, had I been interested.

"I don't know what I want, but I don't think you or anyone else can give it to me, get that? Oh, except lunch. I can use that right now, but nothing else. I don't want your promises or your demands on me in return."

"Not now."

"Not ever! I want this real clear, Xelloss. I don't want you or anything you've got to give me, sex included. Not now, not in the foreseeable future."

"Except...my drumming."

"Oh, yeah. That. That's important. I want the band unscathed and in one working piece, sure. I also want to make my life what I want it to be, on my own, without anyone dragging me down or directing my course of action along the way either by guilt or by force. And to do that, I don't need you pressuring me for what you, and only you, want."

Xelloss nodded briskly, but wouldn't meet my eyes. He fed me and walked me home, not once treating me to his genuine warmth or infectious humor. I hated to lose that, but it had to be done.

Nothing much seemed to change until a few weeks later; I got this call from Zel. "Hi, Zel. Whatsup?"

"It's about Xelloss; he's getting married to Karly."

I staggered over to my bed and buckled over, all the while trying to gain control of my racing heart and spinning brain.

"Lina? Did you hear? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, yeah, just getting comfortable. Karly. Who's _that_?" I asked. Now, it didn't really matter to me, who she was; that is, but I had to say something and it was the first thing out of my mouth. I really was shocked.

"Karly, the girl he's been bringing around to show off at practices lately. The one you called _Knarl_y," Zel said flatly.

"Oh, yeah, well it's ludicrous of him to marry her...or anyone! He's got time and money so why doesn't he just have some fun for a few years?"

"You should ask him that, not me. He's already committed. Anyway, he'll be counting on you to be one of the bridesmaids. I'm best man."

"Does that mean I gotta get dressed up? Oh, jeez, whatta waste."

"Don't complain to me. I was just calling to prepare you."

"What makes you think I need preparing? Xelloss can do whatever asinine thing he wants to without consulting me. He doesn't need my...approval. I don't care. It's his life to throw away on some _leech_, if he's so damned intent on doing that. He's nothing to_ me,_ that's for sure!" I was all worked up for some reason. Zel could do that to me with just his superior tone of voice.

"You are upset and are trying to hide it with anger. Don't try and bluster past me. You had your chance. Whatever you said to him last month, must have cut the cord connecting his heart to yours, to have driven him to...make this rash decision."

"Me? Now, don't you go putting the blame for Xelloss' mad folly on me! He was getting all...lovey-dovey on me."

Zel was silent.

"I was home and he just...appeared. Luna let him in the door before leaving. If she thinks so much of him, she outta be the one marrying him! Anyway, so he just started getting all pushy like he's my boyfriend or something, then...well, I put a stop to what he had on his mind. I say 'mind' but that's giving him far more credit than he deserves. I let him know that from my standpoint, he was way too interested in procreation, in both the act and the result. I told him to leave off with the stupid pranks and give me some space. That I didn't want his grubby hands on me, and that I wouldn't go out with him any more. I told him that if he didn't know me well enough by now not to be such a jerk- and he'd played out this stupid scene before with no success- then he never would and, subsequently, I kicked him out. At least, something like that. We did eat something, but at _some_ point I musta told him to leave the house, but I forget the exact phrasing. Get the general picture, now?"

"Fine, Lina. If that's how you want to think," Zel muttered, adding, "I'll talk to you later," and then hung up on me.

Sure he was mad at me. He probably wanted his two best friends to 'get along' better, but, Xelloss...could be so impoverished emotionally and I just didn't want to have to be the one to supply those 'needs' for him, or any other male for that matter. Why couldn't he just accept that and admire me from afar like everyone else?

Except Gourry. Ugh, the other stickle-burr. It was strange. He moved into Xelloss' room in the house he shared with Val and Zel. It was strange not having him just a few houses down the block. Real empty like. I mean, he'd still drop by now and then, hell, even Xelloss did, although it was on a more and more infrequent basis than either of them had in the past. Which was great, right? That's what I wanted, more freedom and less pestering. I mean, we all saw each other lots with the band. There was no reason to hang out all the time, right?

So one time Gourry invited me over to his mom's place, for dinner. Like old times. We were sitting around waiting for the food, just talking and all, having a fine time. Eventually, we moved to the dining room and everything seemed great. We talked about everything. Real interesting, too. When his sisters were clearing the table, Mrs. Gabriev pulls me aside and asks questions, the oddest of them being, "Is something the matter, dear?"

"No," I said honestly as I could. I mean, sure, I had my share of troubles, but it wasn't like she wanted to hear about those.

"Really, well, you hadn't said a word to Gourry all night, so I was wondering..."

"Huh?" _Hadn't I? I sure had been doing a lot of talking to someone._

"Although, I'm certain Joey enjoyed you taking an interest in his life. I think he gets a little overwhelmed by the Slayers phenomena and feels left out much of the time. Not that I blame you, dear. He's just a boy and I don't want him competing with his older brother or Xelloss for time in the limelight."

I wasn't following her very well, but I got the gist that I'd been talking to Joey and not Gourry all evening. Even though Joey was just a kid still, he was real smart, a serious, intellectual-type guy. Because he was smart and so tall, I forgot that he was still pretty young. Okay, I had liked having someone to talk to about books and history instead of just music. That's when it hit me. Gourry was out of school, working, in the big world dealing with construction job issues. Besides our history and the band, what did we have in common anymore? What interests? It made me sad thinking that, and I didn't want to bring down the whole night, so I said, "Oh, Gourry and I have more opportunities to talk, like when he walks me home tonight. Yeah, I just can't get over how little Joey's all grown up, huh? Hey, and Alfie and Chuckie, too," I added as the two youngest siblings ran into the room.

Now their mother was busy chasing down their problem and that left me off the hook for any further explanation. For the time being.

Gourry and I did walk home after that, talking about the upcoming line up of gigs and whatever. We didn't have much to say. He hated to argue or debate stuff. No wonder! He didn't have many facts at the tip of his tongue to back up his arguments, generally, so he always lost out. He was not the clubbing sort so we couldn't do that together, or do writing workshops on campus, either. We really didn't have that much in common. He could see that, couldn't he? He tried to kiss me before he left, but I shut the door on him first. We were just friends, like how I wanted it...like how I wanted to _keep_ it.

Yeah, I had it much better than my poor friend, Amelia. She couldn't 'help herself', so she said. If Zelgadiss wanted to see her, then she'd drop whatever and rush to meet him. Well, until he pulled that stunt at the beach and showed her his true colors: true blue, male jerk. I covered for her with her dad, telling ole Phil that I was along with them at the beach and would chaperone after Zel's car wouldn't start. I shoulda let Phil send his driver and bring them back home. That's what I shoulda done! 'Course, then Amelia wouldn't have learned her lesson. She was better off running around with Nahga, Val, and me that summer, anyway. I mean, Zel's like my brother and I like him, but... she could do far better just culturing good friends and staying out of the boyfriend market entirely for a while longer. Unfortunately by fall, she had forgiven him. Fortunately, she was in high school and very popular and Zel was in college and a virtual hermit. I figured time would do its thing and they'd grow apart.

Then came her birthday.

I thought she had that covered with all the boys she was dating, but somehow I had underestimated her lingering attraction to Zel. She wouldn't share all the details, just the cake and earrings, but I got the sinking feeling that she thought Zel was in love with her at last. I hoped she hadn't slept with him to come to that conclusion, but I was afraid she had. I wasn't going to pry into her personal affairs, so we left it at that.

I tried to warn Zel in a phone call, that if he hurt Amelia I'd take IT up where Phil left off, but he insisted that he'd done her no harm and that they'd both had a 'nice time.' That didn't assuage my feelings of misgivings one iota. He and I did manage to agree to have the band play at Amelia's graduation party at the end of the school year, and that was that. He was hanging on wanting to talk, but I had nothing to say. By the tone of his voice, I could tell Zel was hurting. He missed having his friend, Xelloss, around all the time. I never would have considered him the type to form such tight bonds, but then, he was a loyal friend to me and the rest of the band, so why not? I know that once you get used to folks just being there, you get accustomed to their presence. You might even ignore their little annoying singularities after awhile, or choose to appreciate them. Either that or they'd drive you nuts. I couldn't decide whether I missed Gourry and Xelloss' near-daily visits or was relieved by their neglect. I imagined that Zel had similar mixed emotions over his friend's marriage and subsequent loss of contact.

So, at the end of the year, Amelia had a graduation party. We played music and Nahga was supposed to stand in for Amelia's singing parts, but she managed to go and almost make a spectacle of herself. Luckily, Zolf was there running the security team at the time and he took care of her himself. Yeah, sure. He went bonkers over her. I was keeping my eye on him and Val. I wasn't sure if Val and Filia were still on or if he was dating Nahga some of the time. I knew he and Nahga had some kind of a business thing going, but I tried to steer clear of all the romantic interconnections.

"Hey, Val," I cornered him during a break.

"Hold on. I need a drink," he grumbled.

I thought he was headed for some hidden alcohol stash of his, but he just popped a can of soda. "Whatsup, boss lady?"

"Ah...nothing..." I started to back away, but his long arm shot out and clutched my arm.

"I saw what was goin' on over there," Val titled his head in the direction of the door through which Nahga and Zolf had disappeared. "Zolf's good. He'd take good care of her. She...had a rough breakup. She can't find dudes good enough for her, that's all."

"Oh, well...o-okay, then," I stammered. That answered my unasked question about Val and her anyway.

"So, you wanna see where the spas' goin'? Got us some tracts of land by the old clan badlands to improve and de-_vel_-lop. Cabin to stay at, if yer interested."

His eyes slid to mine. Gold. His eyes were like molten gold marbles with bright sparks for highlights. So unlike Xelloss' deep purple secretive pools, or Gourry's clear, pure wistful blues, or Zelgadiss' hooded aqua-marine infernos, Val's were a complex mix of accusatory and dare and arrogance and a pinch of longing to be free of all the pretense too, leastwise, I thought it was.

"When? This weekend? Well, ah..." Geez, I just kept rattling out nonsense around him. He may have nodded, I wasn't looking. "Sure, but not this next one. Too close to project deadlines." Then my eyes slipped upwards.

His hard-edged, gold-toned eyes definitely warmed as Val let down his guard and said, "Me too. Got some big art thing comin' up. You don't need nothin' 'cept a sleepin' bag and I probably got extras of those 'round if ya can't locate yer own. You'll need a coat 'cause it's cold in the high desert at night."

He seemed excited to show off the place and I needed to get out. And he'd guessed right about not being able to find my sleeping bag. Nature and some freedom would feel real good.

And it did.

We had a real good time. Place was primitive, but that's all right. He had plans, lots of them and the money to pull them off. He kept another motorcycle up at the cabin so we could get around fast. Man! Flyin' thought the passes, over hills, across the damp but water-free stream beds...what a blast! We had so much fun, he asked me if I'd like to do it again sometime, and I said yes. It was great. I figured it was perfect doin' stuff like this with a guy who had a girlfriend, because then he wouldn't feel the need or have the drive to hit on me. I said something to that effect to him.

"Heh, well...could be, but I ain't got no girlfriend right now. Fil and I well, we got as far as we could go and then we ran outta whatever it takes to make it go. I wanted one thing and she somethin' different, I guess. It was mutual, so don't get all messed that we're gonna split the band of somethin'. It's all cool, is what I mean."

Damn. So much for that hunch. Well, anyway Val seemed to be able to act normally around me so that was okay, I guessed.

"Got me some...pos-si-bil-i-ties, though," he grinned. "No problem getting those, not that I need anything much. I ain't got those nesting needs."

Hey, me neither! I had found a true ally here at last. "Yeah, I hear ya. Gourry...Sylphiel...Xelloss...Amelia and even Zel kinda, well...a little I think sometimes, are looking to settle down. I mean, if ya don't want kids, and I sure as hell don't, then why not embrace yer own life for awhile?"

He grinned, "Right. That's what I kept sayin', but most chicks want com-mit-ments."

"Most dudes do too, after a certain amount of time," I agreed.

"But not me!" we both said simultaneously, and then laughed.

Yeah, great, huh? For the longest time, Val had bugged me about getting together, but that was way back in high school, before Filia. He hadn't pressed me since and now I had a friend to lean on, and so had he—no obligations. Big sigh of relief there, I gotta tell you.

When the next opportunity arose to head out to the badlands, I couldn't wait.

"Ah, Zel's been naggin' me to come along. Okay with you if I invite some others?" Val asked.

I had been hoping for the peace and quiet of just the two of us, but I didn't want to give him the wrong impression, so I acted thrilled, "Sure, why not? In fact, if you and Nahga got business to take care of, why not bring her and her sister, too so I got someone to bum around with?"

And so he did! He neglected to inform the others about the whole party because I'm certain Amelia wouldn't have been allowed to come along with Zelgadiss as a participant. The entire weekend went pretty much like Zel told it in his story. He got that much right. Nahga made an ass of herself, while Val and Zel managed to control themselves.

The place was great. I really loved the dry air and huge open skies. You could see forever. Val and I were sitting outside looking at the stars one night there. He was looking contented. "This place seems to agree with you, Val."

"Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Feels good up here. I can see why my people, the Ancient Clan, made their home here. Like there's nothin' between you and the gods, ya know?"

Wow, that was about as religious a thing as I had ever heard him say.

"I think I do," was all I could say.

"You seem ah... sad, kinda. Was it that?" he asked with caring.

"Ah, no...Linda...my...mom..." my breath caught in my throat. I was getting all choked up about her now. "She told Luna and me she's gotta move on again."

"She's stayin' with the CIA? I thought she'd quit."

"No, just Zolf and Rodimus quit. She's got another assignment someplace."

"Sorry, Li..."

"Eh, no biggy. We've been without her before, right?" But even I didn't believe the tough act I was putting on, so I knew he could see right through me. I rolled the 'Li' nickname around a little, too. Zel had said once that Val called me that around the 'boys' but I hadn't heard it before, until this conversation.

"Yer mom, she's a traveler. Like you inna way. Doesn't like to be tied down. Rough on the kids though. But," he said in a low, soft voice, "Don't mean she don't love you, in her own way."

I nodded and bit back my tears threatening to make me feel foolish.

"I'd feel rejected, if it were me. I'll bet you do, but hey, ya got me and the rest of the band. We'll always be here for you. Believe me, okay?"

And there was something in his intense expression that made me believe him. I felt better having shared the information with someone who cared.

"Zel probably told yuh the same thing," Val added cautiously.

But he hadn't because I hadn't told him. Zel wouldn't understand. He'd get the rejection part all right, but he was so used to that feeling that he wouldn't get why it bothered me. So what? So 'mom' was going again? It wasn't like she'd ever been there for me in the past! I could hear his words, but those weren't the ones I needed to hear. Gourry would know what to say, but he wasn't here. Amelia would, too...but she and Zel were off counting rocks or something. "Um, sure, well...thanks Val. I'll think about what ya said."

So this bear climbs into our cabin window...I thought for a second that it was Val plundering the kitchen for food, but one whiff and I knew even Val couldn't smell that bad! I tried opening the front and only door to give the animal a preferred exit, but something solid was pressed up against it from the outside. I was afraid it might be another bear, so I backed off. The bear was eyeing me coolly, like I might be a friend or a meal, I couldn't tell which and frankly I wasn't much interested in becoming either one.

Nahga, ready as ever to prove that she was better than me, braver than me and certainly much more brazen than me, had slipped off into the 'kitchen' area, picked up the pot and pan Zel had left out to dry, and began bashing them together like a crazed woman. When the bear made a lunge at me, I started yelling at Nahga to 'cut it out!' Lucky for me, Nahga did know what she was doing, swept past me, and continued annoying the hell outa the bear, banging and shouting away until the poor beast panicked and headed for the partially blocked door. With a forceful push and shove, the bear escaped over, or onto Val, and past Zelgadiss. Nahga wasn't going to stop at that. No, the 'Great White Serpent' was on a mission and persisted in her threat to scare the thing witless or blast out its eardrums as she hollered and crashed and banged after it. Out it bounded, with Nahga in pursuit, relentless and naked as a jay bird...both of them, I guess you could say. If there was any question as to how the woman looked without clothes, it was put to rest that morning. Val looked amazed and Zel looked stunned...and amazed. Men. You'd think they'd be able to handle a little nudity by this age, but no.

It would be the last time Nahga would hang out with us like this, because when we got back to Seyruun, Zolf was waiting. Like I said before the first time I met him in Zephillia, Zolf was handsome. I learned to appreciate that he was also smart, talented, and a loyal friend and worker. Nahga was well-off, what with the ongoing spa thing (financed mostly by Val, mind you) and some inheritance from her mother, a sharp cookie, and a looker, from most accounts. That meant that the two of them made a fine match.

They thought so as well.

Phil was beyond himself with joy when he learned that they were seriously dating. Later, when Nahga told her father that she and Zolf were getting married, poor Phil over-did himself putting on a spectacular wedding feast—that's the part I can recall with any clarity. Yep, the mayor had to take a few days off to rest and re-cooperate after that. I wondered how he'd react when his little darling Amelia got married. Probably suffer a heart attack if he wasn't careful.

I gather that both Filia and Zel wore out the 'Filia becomes Lina's roommate' story, so I won't repeat it. I was relieved to have Filia move in with me. I hated the empty place after my sister moved out. I won't go on about the day my mom left again. Luna was pretty disgusted with her, actually, although I understood. However, I learned one thing: if I ever have any kids of my own, and I'm not planning on it by the way, I'm never going to just up and leave them. It's cruel. Why even have kids if you're not going to raise them? My father wanted kids; that was the case with my family. He hadn't planned on dying before us and I'm certain that he counted on mom to do her part if and when the time came to take care of us. Sure, kids tie you down, that's why I don't want any myself. Mom shouldn'ta had us...but then...I guess I'd rather be alive now and living this life, than the alternative. So, here's to mom for giving birth to us and dad for wanting us! Cheers!

Which all brings me to the next part...

Filia was about moved in when Xelloss dropped by to say hello and ask if we needed any help.

"Of course not," Filia bit off without hesitation. "Like always when there's any physical labor to be done, you manage to appear when it's mostly finished. Besides, I don't want you touching my things."

"Oh?" his voice caught in his throat.

I could tell his feelings were hurt, and just to smooth things over I offered, "I got something for you to do. Here in the kitchen..."

He followed me to the sink full of dirty dishes. "You want me to wash these?"

"Oh, ah...I was just thinking you could get us drinks, but... sure, while yer at it, you do that too."

"As you wish, Lina."

I was pretty pleased how that worked out; it gave me time to muse. I had missed his often-present buzzing about the place, checking on me. Yes, Xelloss could make a fairly handy roommate, with all his cleaning skills, and cooking ones, too. Zel had told me that he'd learned his way around their kitchen. Too bad he was a male; Xelloss, that is. 'Course, it helped that now that he was married, he was less...forward, shall we say. Yeah, however, it all didn't matter now that he was someone else's husband and servant. I imagined Xelloss was easy for his wife to boss around--not to mention not available for house sitting any more. I wasn't confused about what I wanted, just thinking to myself.

"Ah, I'll be back," I told him. "There's someone at the door."

This time it was Gourry, looking for a job to do, too.

"Too late!" I announced to him.

I hadn't expected the grief-stricken look Gourry gave me in response, so I clarified, "Filia's all moved in, if that's whatcher here for."

He immediately appeared relieved, "Oh, um...that's right...I'd forgotten. That was today?"

I nodded, "Yep. Wanna come in?"

"Ah, I was hopin' we could go out. For a walk an' get a bite to eat at the deli..."

Before I could yell for Filia to get ready to go, he added, "Just you an' me, Lina. It's...kinda, no... REAL important."

"It is? Oh, okay. FILIA! I'm headin' out a bit! Check on Xelloss in the kitchen, all right?"

I noticed Gourry's eyes shot over my head to scan inside the house, "Xelloss...is here?"

"Yeah, he just got here. Doin' dishes. Come on, let's git before I haveta do any more explaining."

We walked in silence toward the deli, passing by the park along the way. Gourry paused. "Was he there to help Filia?"

"Who, Xelloss? I suppose, though he got there too late to be of much help."

"I didn't think they got along."

"Sometimes," I sighed. I didn't think Gourry to be the devious sort, but it seemed to me like he was beating around the bush. And I was pretty sure I knew about what. "He's got a wife now and dotes on her. He has no interest in either Filia or me, for that matter. He's just being friendly, understand?"

Gourry nodded. "Yeah. It's just..."

He stopped again and scanned the park. Empty. "Can we sit at that bench a minute?"

My turn to nod mutely.

We sat. He turned toward me and picked up one of my hands and enfolded it in one of his palms. His hands were huge compared to mine. "Lina, ya know how I feel...about ya. Or, maybe ya don't."

"Gourry...don't..."

"But I gotta, Lina! I love ya so much and I wanna marry ya. An' now that Xelloss is married an' I know ya don't love him, then yer free ta marry me."

I was stunned to silence. _Marry him! _

"I got what ya need, a good job, steady work that pays well and a good future. You can go ta school if ya want, but ya won't need ta work, ever. We'll get ourselves a nice house and fix it up just like ya want it. An' I'll take good care of ya Lina, I promise. I'll keep ya safe and happy."

_What was he jabbering on about? Our future? It didn't sound like mine!_ I was starting to get hot, flushing with embarrassment and anger simultaneously. _What had gotten into Gourry? Why was he saying all this stuff to me?_

"...kids..."

"Huh?" I looked at him aghast, like he had grown another head or something. He'd been carrying on and I had not been listening to all his ramblings.

"Sure, kids, I know ya like 'em. I do too, so we can have as many as ya want, as soon as ya want. Or, if ya wanna wait until you've done a bit more college stuff, that's okay, I guess..."

"You're t-talking about us h-having kids, g-getting married? B-but..." I sputtered like Filia's neglected tea kettle.

"Well, yeah. Ya wanna go out some first before we get married, that's okay with me..."

I yanked my hand from his grasp, "I don't want any...KIDS! I don't want to get married! Ever! You don't even KNOW what goes on inside my head any more, Gourry! How could you even... SAY all this stuff to me? I hate little kids. You ever see me around them? By choice! I don't date. I have no interest in 'couples' stuff... romance... and certainly not with you! You wanna know what **_I_** want? I just want you to leave me alone! I don't want to date you! I don't want you 'taking care' of me. I can do that perfectly well all by myself and that's the way I want it!"

He was looking down and away, not meeting my eyes. "So you are in love with him after all..."

"WHAT!"

Gourry riveted me to the bench with his intense stare. "Xelloss. You love him, but ya can't have him now."

"You idiot! Didn't you _hear_ a word I said! You're not deaf...are you that _stupid,_ Gourry? I am not in love with anybody, got that? I run my life the way I want it. No one takes care of me. I don't want you or anyone for a husband. EVER!" I was shaking and screaming and I had actually managed to kill my appetite. "Go home!" I shouted one last time, and then did what I had ordered him to do.

Xelloss, thankfully, had left my house in the meantime, leaving me and Filia alone. I gave Filia the short version of what had happened, and then shut myself in my room to change clothes. Filia and I went out for dinner later. But that night, his words came back to me, filling me with more anger. Why had he turned on me and said all that stuff after all the years we'd been friends and hung out together? Was he crazy? Pressuring me that way? Putting our friendship on the line for...what? I didn't think I could stand to look at him again. I should just kick him out of the band, I thought. Good thing it was all in my head. It would have been rash to have done that, especially since it all blew over after a week or so. Next band practice he was the same ole Gourry far as I could tell. Geesh! Men! I didn't think I'd ever get what was going on inside their heads.

Thanksgiving I went to stay with Luna at the clan settlement. Xelloss. What a mess he was. I mean, divorced already. At the time I really felt for Filia, having to take care of him and all. I couldn't tell if seeing Val fawning after that little tramp (one of the notorious twins) bothered her or not. I was disappointed in his choice. I thought he had better taste than to go for that kind of girl. Anyway, poor Filia, she had that to face and then to discover her boyfriend in bed with the tramp's trampy twin sister! Gods! I tried to get Zel to come take Xelloss off her hands—his duty—but he was 'unavailable'. Filia rose to the occasion and did her 'priestess' thing, taking in the invalid Xelloss and healing his wounds. Idiot. He shouldn't have married that Karly bitch. I'd told him so, or at least I'd meant to. Oh well. He got what he deserved. Just because I wasn't the bonding type when he was, didn't mean he had to go and glom onto Karly.

Best thing was, Val lost his 'girl' too. When Polly made her departure with Brad, Penny left as well. That meant I got to hang out with him. It was either that or my sister and...well...Val was far less trouble. He took me out on his motorcycle, showed me around. We even did some horseback riding. He was a guy who had no cares and had fun. No girl stuck to him; he could shake them off the moment he felt them begin to put down roots. He wanted no permanent relationship and nor did I. Also, we were kinda outsiders at the clan; me more than him certainly, making us feel a bit stranded on the settlement. So, we hung out together the next day, while Filia coddled Xelloss and he distracted her.

What came next? Oh, yeah, Amelia's Solstice party. It was a small non-Slayer event. Just Kiki, Amelia and bunches of their high school buds. Zel had had to be invited and me, but that was it. I was heading out the door when Val buzzed up on his motorcycle, despite the frosty cold air. "Hey!" I shouted.

"Yo, Lina. I was on my way out to the settlement for some Solstice action. Thought I'd drop this off for ya. Ain't nothin' much, so don't get all worked up over it. Filia already gone?"

I took the small package he offered and started to unwrap it. "Yeah, she's not here. Whoa...a book of poetry. Nice, Val." I turned it over, noticing the funny smirk on his face. Must be a joke then, I thought, so I read the title aloud, "Adoration: Sonnets for Lovers," then choked.

I barely had the power to look him in the eyes, but I did. A flush had flooded his face and his jaw hung slack. I had no idea what to say. Nor did he it seemed. I don't know how much longer I could have stood the awkwardness, so I just started talking off the top of my head, "Well, heh, heh, I guess you bought this one. Not a collection of yer own stuff, right? Heh, heh. Well, I guess we both need to get going, eh?"

"Get on," he tossed me a helmet. "I'll give ya a lift."

"Sure."

"Where ya headed?"

"Amelia's. Party for her school friends."

"Cool."

Relieved not to have to say anything more. I took my spot in back and clamped on. What had possessed Val to give me a book like that? When had I ever read 'love poems?' I must have been gripping him more and more tightly, because he pulled over and stopped half way to the mayor's.

"Ease up, Li. I can't breathe," he said after twisting out of my grasp.

"Sorry."

"No prob."

Lucky for me I couldn't see his face behind the helmet. He revved up and I held on to him more loosely the rest of the trip there.

"Well, have a good time," he said in a muffled voice.

I pointed to his head, and he removed his helmet, "Oh, ah...I said..."

"Yeah, I know—have a good time," I said, although I still couldn't look him in the eye.

"Yeah," he looked aside then with a sigh said, "About the book. It was a mis..."

I interrupted whatever he was going to say. It had been a kind gesture on his part, a curious choice, but well-meaning, I was sure. I didn't want him to dismiss it all as a 'dumb thing.' "I just wanted to, ah, thank you for the gift. I hadn't done that yet. It was really nice of you to think of me, Val, so thanks."

"Oh...sure...well..."

Then I thought of something else, "You probably have a favorite one in here you wanted to read, right? Ah, come on by later and we'll...ah...you can show me, okay?" Damn, that had made me sound stupid and I could tell because he was giving me a really weird look.

I was about to start backing out of the offer, when he finally said, "Okay. I'll call ya in a couple days, when I'm free."

"A couple...yeah sure. Whenever! See ya!" I waved and dashed off. Amelia was waiting.

Amelia was waiting, still, hours later. Zel never made it. The party was over and everyone was leaving, when I heard, then saw, Zel's car breeze up.

I shook my head, "You are late, jerk."

"I was really busy, Lina. I just got away. Where's Amelia?"

"In her room..."

"Crying again," he sighed.

"Cutting up her framed photo of you, I think," I corrected him. Cruel, but he had this superior attitude about the way he thought of himself with Amelia.

"Oh, well..."

"You'd better just go home."

"Fine. I brought her a gift," he held it out in a feeble attempt to draw me to his side, I guess.

"How magnanimous. She just wanted to show you off a little to her friends." I snatched it out of his hand, "A book? How personal, Zel." But before he could defend himself, I shut the door on him.

You know which book this was, right? 'Course ya do! So, I took the rather nicely wrapped present to Amelia.

"Zel dropped by with this. I sent him away. You can talk to him later, if you want."

"Thanks, Miss Lina," she sniffed. She took the gift and opened it reluctantly.

"Eh? What's the matter?" I looked at the cover as the book slipped out of her fingers and fell onto her bed. "Erotic...? What the hell? What is wrong with that jerk anyway?"

Amelia and I sat and chewed him out. Too bad he wasn't around to hear it.

"H-he knows I like sonnets," she wailed and burst into tears.

"Yeah?" Then it dawned on me that Val had just given me a collection of sappy sonnets. What if the two guys had switched gifts by mistake? Both were distracted and apathetic enough to have done such a thing. But that would mean... Val had intended to give _me_ the _arousing_ poem collection. I banished that possibility away in a burst of mental flame. No way! Val might get a bit sappy, but not suggestive...around me! No, it was Zel being an arrogant ass and attempting to embarrass Amelia in front of her friends—I was certain of it!

It didn't really matter if Val was the asshole and Zel had been thoughtful...but late...which made him an asshole, too. They were both so feeble!

The next week, we were all collected together for the wedding of my sister and Julian. I was a mix of emotions: happy for Luna, hurting with her departure and mom's too, angry at Zel, and stumped_ and_ annoyed at Val. There was a pretty grand feast laid out, which I gotta tell you helped curb my resentment sufficiently to haul Zel off his lazy ass and make him dance...and talk.

"Dance, you fiend from hell," I growled at Zel who couldn't deny me.

"Amelia's still mad," he said. "You are too, I take it?"

"You betcha."

"Then why do you want to dance with me?"

"Because, I wanna dance and watch you squirm while you try and explain your way outta this one."

"I did nothing wrong. It couldn't be helped. And I don't have to explain anything to your highness." Zel was getting all worked up.

Before I was able to really haul off and smack his mocking little face, Val appeared out of the blue and manhandled me away.

"Grrr..."

"Knock it off, Li-na. If yer gotta gripe with me, then out with it."

Had he poured a bucket of ice water over me, it wouldn't have shocked me into silence faster. Well, that wasn't right. Had it been water, I would have screamed bloody murder. Instead it was his well-pressed suit in my face and his iron grip on by back. No where to run...no where to hide... A quick glance back at Zel and I could see Gourry rounding him up. No where for him to hide either.

"Zel gave Amelia a book of..."

"Yeah, I know. He took the wrong one. They'll figure that out soon. Now, whatcher problem?"

_The wrong one? So that meant...I got the wrong one, too. _"Was that one the one you meant to give me?"

I could feel him jump, startled, then feel a grumbling chuckle deep inside his chest. "Oh, Liiina...was that what you've been thinkin' all week? That I'd planned ta give ya a book of _Erotic_ Love Poems? Ha! I'd be the biggest dumbass in all Seyruun ta think I could pull that off. Naw, that was something Xelloss wanted me to pick up as a joke, or not. The one I gave ya...was part of a set. Zel was ta give Amelia part and you would get the other which got misprinted."

I didn't understand.

"When ya get home, look at page 43 and you'll see what I mean," Val smiled with his hidden knowledge and smothered an out-right laugh.

Still, Val gave me a collection of love poetry, which was weird enough, but with some printing error that made it a joke. Well, I guess I understood. Just a joke then. Geez...I was letting my imagination get too carried away there for a moment and though that Val was getting soft on me. Heh, heh...boy, that was a close one.

"Page 43? Okay, sure. So, the book gift thing was kinda a joke then, right?"

A peculiar look passed across Val's face. "Uh...I gotta take a leak, 'Cuse me," Val said and marched off, leaving me to dance alone.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't. I guessed I'd better check out that page before opening my big mouth again. To quote Zel: "You never know all the ramifications of an action, try as you like."

My revere was broken by a tap on the shoulder, "May I dance?"

"Eh? Oh, Julian, yeah sure." He was my brother-in-law now, so why not?

"Very generous guy there."

"Who?"

"Why Val, of course. But don't you think it puts any pressure on you now."

What in hell was this guy babbling on about? "Pressure? Nobody pressures me into anything and gets what they want out of it, especially Val. What were you referring to?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure he wanted to impress you more than just a little by giving me his portion of the country club. Quite a gift!"

Catching my step before stumbling, I remarked, "Yeah, he's a philanthropist all right." I had no idea that Val had given them that. It was pretty nice of him. He certainly had no need of it himself and Julian had always dreamed of owning the place, when he never thought he had a chance. Yeah, pretty sweet, Val... But it was in no way going to impress me. He wasn't out to do that. "But get this straight and crystal clear: if he gave you his share of the business as a wedding gift, then he did it because he thought it was the right thing to do. No other reason. He doesn't bend to arm-twisting (except when it's me doing the twisting) and he leaves an impression in loud obnoxious ways, not sly expensive ways...and especially important here...he's not out to get my approval, or anything, at all. We all work independent-like in the band."

Julian smiled patronizingly, "Dear Lina, I just meant that he wants you to notice him and how sporting a fellow he is. He talks about you all the time, that's what made me think of it."

"Of course he does!" I snapped. "We've been friends for ages, I'm the band leader, and I am pretty much central to all that's going on in his and the rest of the band members' lives."

"You mean his whole world revolves around you?"

"Not the entire _world_, nitwit, the _band_!" I'd had enough of his airhead banalities. The song was in its closing measures, so I ended the dance turn and headed off at a good clip. I wasn't fast enough to miss hearing him say, "I think that you protest too much, little Lina."

The party broke up and everyone went their ways: Zel and Xelloss to stay with Val, Amelia to stay with Filia, and Sylphiel and Gourry to stay at Milgasia's. I sat guard outside Luna's place, now Luna and Julian's home, while they were off on their honeymoon. I was sitting on the porch steps under a darkening sky. Crickets were setting the background rhythms as I watched a full moon rise over the hills separating the Cephied Clan settlement from Seyruun proper. It wasn't cold out despite the date on the calendar. The winter chill had not yet set in. I heard a whine rise above the other noises, which soon drowned out all else. Val's motorcycle shut down. His sandaled feet crunched across the gravel drive to the worn wooden steps to the house.

"Li?"

"Val?"

Satisfied that it was me and not some strange new lawn ornament someone had gifted my sister, he 'humph-ed' and flopped beside me. Then with a grunt, he stretched out his legs like a great stiff bird. No. Like something bigger and more dangerous...and ancient...like a dinosaur-- one of those Raptor dudes. Eh...no...more _Phantasmagorical_. A dragon. Yeah, all stretched out like a dragon, down to the smoking fires within.

He noticed me staring at him. "Uh, sorry 'bout that," he said as he sucked on his newly lit cigarette. "First one in a year. Nerves, I guess."

"Hnn," I agreed.

"Watchin' the moon?"

"Ummm, pretty huh?" I asked.

The crickets started their racket again. A dry breeze shook the remaining dry leaves, what was left of fall. Nerves? Had he said _nerves?_

"Yeah." He took one last drag, fire smoldered, smoke, then snuffed out the cigarette on a rock.

"Whole and round it glows,

Casting shadows in the night,

Moon over Seyruun."

_Whoa...Val was spouting poetry._.. I was moved to ask, "Haiku? Whose?"

"Mine. Just thought it up. Mostly, they just come to me that way."

_Not to me!_ "Cool. Poems just pop into your head?"

"Yeah."

I thumbed the book in my hands.

"Readin'?"

_Well, not likely, Val, in the dark..._ Oh, he was kidding me. Okay, then I said, "I thought I'd take a look but it got too dark with the porch light off and the view was eerie and it was all peaceful, compelling me to simply remain a non-active participant in...it." _What had I just said?_

He nodded.

"So, what's this about 'nerves'?" I asked. Time to throw the ball back into his court, as they say.

"I got the feelin' what I did was botherin' you." He had preceded that with a meaningful sigh, kinda Zel-like. "Givin' you a gift. I didn't mean to put you on the spot or nothin', Li."

What was I to say to that?

"Wanna light?" he asked, holding out his-- no, not a lighter-- small flashlight.

"Thanks." I flicked it on and flicked through the book, stopping when I found page 43. A poem, sonnet. I read it through.

Two bubbles in a crystal bowl appear,

Born separately; round the opposing rims

Each for awhile in a charmed circle swims,

And shuns the other's touch, as if in fear.

A gold-fish rising breaks the mimic mere;

A thwart tide, traversing the surface, dims

The placid water: from the distant brims

The bubbles swept together are one sphere!

They might have perished singly' might have known

Life but not love, and living separate

Have ceased imperfect, sundered mate from mate;

And thou and I have walked the world alone,

And died so, if the strong storm had not blown

That swept us hither on the tides of fate.

Val said nothing. He just let me read it. It was a lovely sonnet. So, what was the mistake he was talking about?

"So?" I asked.

Val grinned so I scanned it again, and again, then I caught it. "The author was _Valentine Agares?_ What the...?" Back to the front of the book, I checked the publishing date. "Impossible. You weren't even born yet. You couldn't have written this."

"Right. That was the mistake in that copy. 'Valen**_tine_**'—it should have read 'Valen**_tino'_**, my dad's name."

"Your father was the head of his clan and a poet, too! Oh...Val..."

We shared smiles and an understanding. Both of us had lost fathers when we were young; he had been about five and I had been a little older. Both of us had lost mothers later on, although mine was still alive, merely absent, I guess. To discover something of our lost loved ones was to find a treasure of immense value.

So for a time we traded the book back and forth, reading passages, sharing favorite lines, dissecting and peeling away the layers to get at the hidden tasty morsels, the real _meat_ of each poem.

"The slumberous stillness of the summer noon, is not its drowsy quiet perfect peace?" he read.

"Makes me want to sleep, Val. How 'bout this next line?" I read on excitedly. "Ah...Night hath no hour like this in all her lease of cold calm slumber 'neath the spell-bound moon."

"Like the one tonight, huh? I guess the next part's mine," he shrugged and read, "So is the height of love a perfect rest, and stiller than all frost that ever froze the ice-bound river, or sleep of spotless snows on inaccessible mountain's footless crest, lies the all peaceful glow, the warm repose, of loving heart on heart, and breast by breast."

There was a rather uncomfortable pause, and then he chose another poem, "Well, it is a collection of love poems."

"I guess..."

The last we read went like this:

"Kisses are sweetest under covering hair,

And whispers in its woven twilight best;

As flowery boughs above the chirping nest

Make sweet and sacred all the darkened air

Wherein abide the soft-secluded pair,

And know in the warm fragrance where they rest

The small heart beating in the downy breast

Each of its mate:--a Paradise they share.

This is a longing of the human heart

After that dream, an Eden all for two,

Some lonely island 'mid the ocean's blue

Where Love may sport, and laugh, and kiss apart.

Therefore it was a moment past I drew

Thine hair about mine eyes, Eve that thou art."

Where touches and looks had not made headway, words did. My heart filled with feelings, desires, and images the like of which I had avoided for the most part all my life. This man who had been Val's father had written a series of sonnets on love which had suddenly touched my soul. It was magic.

The moon had reached its apex directly overhead. The flashlight had dimmed. The cricket serenade in two-part time 'cricky-cricky... cricky-cricky...' and 'Errrrrrrrk... Errrrrrrrrk...' had finished for the night.

"Val! It's nearly 3AM! We've been reading most the night! No wonder I'm freezing!"

"Ho... yeah? Whaddaya know?"

"Well, this was great and all, but I need my beauty sleep. Thanks for the book. Here, you should keep it though. With your dad's poems and all..."

"Naw, you keep it, Li. I wanted you ta have it. 'Night, then."

With ghostly speed he mounted his motorcycle and sped off, leaving me to ponder the eventful day and night, alone.

Whoa, I did it again—another long chapter! But, hey, first I had to finish up that Japan trip and I already gave the chapter that title so I had to tell the story about the moon, right? So...it got long. Besides, the poems took up a lotta space, which wasn't mine really. Anyway, next chapter, I'll try to move through time a little. Yeah, Lina Inverse, Time Traveler!

* * *

Authors Note: The three sonnets were by John Barlas (pseud. Evelyn Douglas) 1889; the haiku was Val's.

* * *

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Seventeen. 


	18. Clarification and Obfuscation

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-10

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Eighteen: Clarification and Obfuscation **

"A woman's charm is her strength; a man's strength is his charm."- HAPPINESS MAGAZINE

Here I am again, Lina inverse, story-teller supreme! Okay, so we last left off at the ending to my sister and Julian's winter wedding. It being over, meant that break was over and that it was back to college for Filia and me.

Every time I think I'm gonna talk about college life, Filia reminds me that this is supposed to focus on us, the Slayers, and romance. Well, Zel diverged a bit didn't he? Yes, he did-- so I will too.

I lived at home and commuted into classes at the University of Seyruun. I also worked at being a singer/composer for the Slayers band. In general, to both work and go to college a person has to have drive and lots of it in order to find a balance between classes and work, even if it means saying no to a long line of tempting parties, concerts, and nights out with friends. Goodbye sleep, goodbye reality TV shows, goodbye hanging out and just being a college student. It's that kind of down time that lots of students rely on to keep their sanity. I, of course, managed to do it all—plus change the world...ha, ha, ha! I'm just that kind of person.

If you're planning on going to a big university like S.U., here's a warning from me: no matter what, you're almost certain to encounter lines. I was waiting in lines to select/change courses, lines to buy books, lines to open a bank account (I didn't need to do this, but I saw others wasting away in front of banks) or to discover 'whatever happened to my money' at the financial-aid office (the earthiest, angriest lines), lines at the cafeteria, and maybe even lines for the shower (just a guess, I didn't do the dorm thing, but Filia had a few tales...) The cool thing was that I put all my waiting to good use. I had opportunity after opportunity to meet new people or mull over whatever experience I just had or to start on my reading assignments or to write lyrics to a tune (waitin', waitin', doin' lotsa nothing an' waitin'...) Even cooler, by the time the novelty of meeting new people wore off, I learned the best ways to avoid, or at least minimize, lines in the future.

Zel wrote about being busy and having lots of work and he was right on target – ask anyone. Better yet, take it from me. I had more work than I ever had, but I also probably had the most free time I'd ever had, even working part-time. There was a lot of homework, but within the first semester, I figured out how to prioritize. Just a word from the wise, me, to those of you about to enter college: as easy as it appears to be to put off work because there aren't as many tests and papers (or teachers reminding you to turn them in) as in high school, don't! Procrastinate too much and you'll get swamped before exam periods. Pace yourself and work efficiently and you should have enough time to prepare for classes and exams while having plenty of time to enjoy yourself.

With that in mind, I continue with my story...

I think we only had time for a few music jobs that winter before Val's birthday and the traditional V-day dance to play at someplace. Joey replaced Xelloss for our Valentine's Day gig, which really irritated me. Xelloss shouldn't have been letting his 'un-syndicate' activities get in the way of his Slayers job. Ever. I was able to put my anger behind me over a huge birthday dinner for Val with Filia, Sylphiel and Gourry. It was at that time that I noticed something between going on between Sylphiel and Gourry. I could have sworn that they were holding hands under the table. Not that that bothered me. I had pushed Gourry away. If she was going to finally 'get her man' after all this time, well, bully for her. That would permanently solve the problem of having to continually reject Gourry, wouldn't it? Geez, all that romance stuff was giving me a headache, so when the meal was over, I asked for I ride home with Filia and Val.

Lousy choice. There was no escaping 'romance talk'. Filia bellyached over her lack of suitable clansmen to date, and Val said nothing while he focused on driving. Whether or not he still liked her no longer mattered. Val had totally replaced Filia in his love life with a revolving door of girlfriends. Their breakup had been a mutual decision, but now Filia was left sorting through a recurring assortment of romance problems.

In an effort to shut her up and help her out I suggested, "My history professor's a clan guy."

Her head twisted around, "Really?"

I could see her eyes shimmer and her expression become all dreamy, "Tell me more..."

So I told her, "Paul Chaferly. Good looking, young. I'll see if he's interested in having coffee with you. I've seen him hanging out at the place Zel likes."

And that's how I got _that_ started. Hell, I didn't know the dude was married! At least it only lasted a couple dates, but then Xelloss sneaked in under my radar again. Zelgadiss and I discussed them in their absence. I mean, what better time, right? Zel was stuck with the notion that Xelloss was chasing Filia now. I knew better because she had drummed it all into me over and over and over that she was only going to date men from the clan. (And you thought Xelloss was the only drummer, heh, heh.) You get the picture. You have heard this story; this will be the third time, right? So, I won't dwell on it here.

Xelloss wasn't regularly pressuring me to date him, since, like Val, he seemed to have plenty of women more willing and waiting in the wings, but I couldn't really imagine him and Filia getting along that glowingly. What was it with the guy? Amelia had told me she thought Xelloss liked the challenge. Possibly, but I was beginning to think Xelloss thrived on the pain of rejection more. Anyway, in our conversation, Zel took my disbelief of the 'Xelloss is chasing Filia theory' as my way of saying I wanted Xelloss' attention centered _exclusively_, while at the same time _distantly_, on me. It just wasn't true. I liked the attention, sure, sometimes. But I wasn't leading him on. I had made my position perfectly clear.

Or so I'd thought.

When Zel reminded me of my 'ten year promise', I wondered if Xelloss really intended to hold me to that. And when he informed me that Xelloss was out to impress me with all his magnanimous and righteous deeds, it sent me wondering still further.

"...He does it to prove his worthiness...to you. He wants you to admire him. He wants you to fall in love with him, and tell him so."

Yeah, I knew that too. "I like him all right, more than most, but...if I told him a thing like that, he'd want more. He'd dedicate himself to me, smother me, and then want a commitment. And that...is not what I want, not now." "He travels a lot; you'd get your space, if that's all that's holding you back. Unless..." and here is where Zel started getting a little nasty in his remarks, "...you really are only capable of being the _objec_t_ of obsession_ and unable to be in love at all!"

"I am_ not_ _a possession_! Gourry thought of me that way, and so does Xelloss!"

Zel backed down a bit then, "Hey! I'm not pushing this. You know me better than that, but you are both my closest friends so I I'm just letting you know that now is your chance– maybe your last."

Sure, like Xelloss was going to forget someone like me. If what he wanted he could get with a wife, then let him do it! He'd done it before! But I knew that I'd always be something special to him. Xelloss and Gourry both. In spite of the other girls in their lives. And I was being sarcastic to Zel when I told him he was 'so wise'—the big know-it-all.

I was surprised (but probably shouldn't have been after the discussion with Zel) that evening at home when Filia waltzed in the door to tell me that Xelloss had bought her a business. A tea and ceramics shop! She was quitting school to run it too...and go traveling with him! I recommended that she first do the traveling, then see if she could still bear the sight of him before dropping out of college. I mean, where would that leave me? High and dry without very much company, that's what!

Oh, yeah and while I was down and out, Zel called to tell me that Gourry and Sylphiel were engaged and that I should expect them to drop by and tell me. Well, swell. I really didn't want to be inhospitable, but I wasn't in the mood to talk with any happy-in-love couples, so before my cell phone had cooled, I was on the road, heading to the settlement to visit my sis and her husband. Yes, they were a pretty happy bunch, too, but older and more restrained by this time.

The next week I was back on top of things, getting my work done, writing another song when who should stop by...but Xelloss and Filia.

"I'm back, but just for a day or so, and then we are about to head off continent, South this time, and wanted to drop off these invitations first," Filia said.

I opened it, read, and commented, "Zelgadiss...art show... Oh, yeah, this is it then, Xelloss? What you'd mentioned last fall or something? Sounds fancy, huh? He's truly buying into all this?"

"Zelgadiss is completing a few more pieces for the show this very minute. Others, hopefully, will be doing the 'buying' part."

"Funny, Xelloss. Okay, I'll be there for sure."

"I'll take you out shopping," Filia promised.

"Ah...not necessary. I've got plenty to wear."

"But you have to have formal attire. It says so and I know just the place to go," she assured me.

"Eh...I don't think I have time, but thanks anyway. Zel won't care what I wear; I always look good."

Xelloss left after that, but that wasn't the last I'd hear about my need to 'get a dress.' I didn't mean to, of course, but I overheard Filia on her cell phone in the back yard. It took me a bit, but I figured out that she was talking to Val.

"Hi, Vally..." she started.

Okay, so it didn't take me long to figure out who she was talking to.

"I need a favor. Well, you know about Zel's Art show...Yeah, well I was wondering how to get Lina to buy a formal dress. I mean, I'd love to take her, but it's getting her motivated..."

_Who me? _

"So you won't even _try?_" I heard Filia shout.

_Good for you, Val._

"Well, it sounded like that's what you meant," her voice now sounded relieved. "I don't have the leverage you do. Okay, you do that. She's here now. Uh, huh...so... No, I leave tomorrow AM...oh that's right, we have a job...then the next morning. When I get back, I will. Yes...bye then and thanks."

_So, Val was going to 'motivate' me huh? Well, two could play at this game._

I was in the kitchen hunting for a clean spoon to eat my yogurt cup. Found one. I pushed a clearing out of the jumble of books, notes and dirty dishes strewn over the table, then sat and ate...and waited. I picked up one of the books and started to read. Yep, sure enough, I heard the rumble-roar of Val's bike.

"Come in!" I hollered.

He knew the way in so why bother getting up? Hey! I had three novels to read by the end of the week and an essay on each to write over the weekend, sooner if I didn't want to have to do homework while on the road performing or rush to do it all in one day.

"Hey, Val, I'm kinda busy now, so if it can wait..."

"Won't be a minute, if you just agree to go get a dress with Fil later."

"I'll wear something I already have. That will be good enough."

But he shook his head. "Yeah, for anyone else, but yer the Slayers band leader. Lots of the _in-flu-en-shal art-eest_s will be there. You gotta look cool...and hot."

Man, was he good. It was people like me who started the fads the others followed, and he'd been correct to point that out. They'd be looking at me to set the trends. He'd been right _and_ good. "I see your point, I should look terrific for the event, but...I'm busy. I have to find presenters for my poetry slam." I slid on a crafty smile and asked, "Of course, you write poetry, don't you?"

His arms wrapped his chest protectively. "I got my pride..."

"Just one more thing to lose," I muttered beneath my breath.

I knew that for Val appearance was all consuming, which made him an awful lot like Zel, for that matter. He had to look cool to be cool. Exposing his personal thoughts through reading aloud his poetry would place him in a position of possible ridicule—definitely not cool.

"And I have mine," I said aloud. "I need to knock'em dead with my beauty and extreme high fashion sense, but I can't do that if I have to use my vanishing spare time ferreting out prospective readers instead of dresses."

_Try to squirm of it now, Val..._

Well, he couldn't. He knew he was on the hook. He had to let me win this one, as it was intended all along.

"Guess not. Oh, crap. Okay, Li, I'll read some f---ing thing for your little group of..."

Ignoring his language flaws, since having appropriate adjectives on his tongue-tip was one of his weaknesses, I grinned and punched him on the arm, saying, "That's just great. We have enough time now to go get dinner, your treat naturally since I'm doing you this favor, then we'll pick up your journal and just make it in time for the literary guild meeting! Come on!"

He was gaping like a fish ready to hit the fry pan when he'd thought he'd just caught the fly. But he did as I asked. Oh, and he read a great poem and everyone had good, or at least nice, things to say about it so it wasn't so bad an evening.

And my dress was a hit (naturally, since I was in it! Ha, ha!) And that being so, made Zel's art show a home run for the Slayers and for him personally. It really showcased his formerly hidden talent for Seyruun's entire art crowd to admire. Plus, we all had a fun time being together and not also working, for a change.

Sylphiel was elegant with her hair swept up. Val seemed to think so; he couldn't keep his eyes off her neck. Amelia looked so pretty that even Zel noticed her (And what was with that little 'hand over the heart' exchange they did?) Filia and Xelloss seemed chummier than necessary. Everyone was on their best behavior, it seemed. Why, even I was becoming a bit schmaltzy that night. I was thinking of the old times, I guess, and got to missing things like they had once been, like missing Gourry and his devotion. I sure was being over-sentimental; I was sounding mushy even to myself! So, I nabbed Gourry's arm and dragged him over to the absolutely stupendous banquet Xelloss had arranged. That was more like it! Someone with which to share the glorification of the feast!

After chowing down, I was feeling much better about everything and everybody. I could now stand back and observe my male friends in a relaxed and leisurely manner. Think seasonal here. Zel and Xelloss, I reflected, were like the winter: one cold, harsh and logical, the other dark, stormy, and irrational; both occasionally beautifully mysterious and capable of vacillating unpredictably back and forth. Val was, symbolically speaking, like the spring: green and tall and tan and growing, and when beset by the occasional killing frost, able to make a come back; not too gentle, but at the same time full of promise. While Gourry was more summer-like, with his soft clear blue eyes, pale blonde hair, all light and fresh and warm and wholesome; the complete man, loyal and honest. Me...I was fall. Bursting with rich colors, sassy, warm and honey-rich and sweet, yet cool and crisp and tart- _ripe_... sounds more like an apple. I guess I was getting hungry again. Never start writing when you need to eat because your hunger will permeate your words, saturating them with succulence and... ah, sorry, not to belabor the point... the buffet was a number one spread at Zel's art show.

But it wasn't just that night that I felt distorted. I noticed a transformation occurring in me, in the way I perceived those around me and how, mostly, I felt about them. And when food didn't make the problem go away, I knew that the changes were permanent and serious. Yes, the changes to my inner soul, which the poems of the long dead Valentino Agares seemed to have affected, made unexpected alterations to my subconscious.

I swear! It was true.

That explains why I began to act out the way I did. In June, against my advice, Filia dropped out of college at end of her 3rd year to go traveling with Xelloss. Again, as I noted before, Filia and Xelloss seemed close, but the clan/syndicate incompatibility still stood as a constant reminder of their perverse perseverance to make something work where nothing could. It also sent Xelloss to commiserate with me every once in a while, which managed to remind me how much I had missed Xelloss' veneration. Yep, his brief visits were a sharp reminder of what I had been trying to convince myself had never been true. Get over it all! I tried to tell myself that. Oh yeah, I was suffering from inner-soul disruption, which led to me finally acknowledging that I had been missing him...and Gourry and his thoughtfulness as well. Val and his dead dad and his damned poetry got some_thing_ started in me.

As it were...Xelloss came over and we danced and I had to admit it felt pretty good to have his arms around me. I made it clear that I'd forgiven his past errors, and that we could be friends again. Good friends. But nothing happened. Xelloss smiled his enigmatic smile and touched my hair. _Now_ he found the inner strength to be mature and in control!

Later, Gourry stopped by to return a CD he had borrowed, and we ended up talking for hours and listening to my newest song ideas. That was something he and I hadn't done in years. When he left, he wrapped me in a long-lasting hug, and I swore he whispered, "Oh, Lina..." in a meaningful way.

You can see how these things, just small gestures-- which had occurred in the past over and over without much notice from me but were now BIG EVENTS-- were making me question myself. It had to have been that poetry which ripped open a hole for all the outside influences to flow in and insert themselves into my psyche. Or something. It had never bugged me before like it did now; romance stuff, that is.

And things just kept cropping up like that. Like this one time, Val stopped at my place to see if I could use a ride over to Amelia's, for Kiki's graduation party. The band had setup the night before so there was no hurry to get there, but the ride was handy. He and I hadn't spent time alone since the 'moon/poetry' incident, except for that poetry reading thing which didn't count since we were not alone. He had been avoiding me; keeping me at a safe distance. He had done what he had _had_ to, to get me to go dress shopping and he now didn't want me or anyone else thinking that there might be, or that he might want there to be, or that their might possibly be sometime, something between us. How did I know that? Well, I myself had been pushing Xelloss, Gourry and hordes of other guys away for years. I was the expert at escaping the pitfalls of pending relationships, wasn't I? You bet, so I was good at recognizing the signs in others. Not that I was looking for one myself, mind you. I was just feeling...well...affected by it all.

See? Something had changed, as I said. It was still all about me, me, me; that hadn't changed. And, I had liked the return of Xelloss' and Gourry's attentiveness, as insipid as it was. Now, I felt Val owed me some form of devotion too. Trouble was, I had no idea anymore how to go about getting Val to do that!

Oh, I laughed and flitted around and batted my eyes some, to no avail. He gave me his copyrighted, narrow-eyed squint and a few shrugs as my meager reward. I was going about it all the wrong way.

Back to Kiki's graduation party...

"We outta get going, Li, if we're gonna get there on time," Val sighed with the long-suffering look of a man waiting on some trying, little kid to put on her shoes.

_'Li'_--yeah, his nickname for me. Well, at least it wasn't 'Li-Li'. I woulda toasted him for that!

Anyway, I was a bit perturbed by my failure to get him to fawn on me, or at least show some kind of worship, up to this point, so I kept acting out in ways even I can't understand to this day. Worst of all, I did it on stage during a performance. Not that it helped get Val to notice me. In fact, he looked the other way when I announced our next number and chose to dance the 'Sexy, Sexy' song with Xelloss. I wasn't trying to annoy Filia. I wasn't trying to stir up Xelloss' passions. I was trying to stir Val's.

I sure as hell stirred _Zel's_, and not in a good way, if there was one. He was fuming, cut-off his guitar lick before the song had ended, and called for a short 'band break' to finish it. I didn't want to talk to Zel, so I dashed off, leaving Xelloss to take the brunt of Zel's fury first. I had poured myself a cup of punch, when I felt Val's shadow pass over me and halt.

"Wanna take a walk? Rose garden's empty now," he said.

"Sure," I agreed. My heart was pounding. _Now_ what, I wondered? He looked...well I couldn't tell. Not mad really...disappointed?

"Got any big plans this summer?" he asked.

"The usual. Why?"

"I could use some ideas...input as to what I should do next with the Ancient Clan lands. You liked it out there before, so I thought maybe you'd wanna come...well...help me...maybe. No big deal if ya don't. I know ya got other fish ta fry..."

Geez, what was it with Val and fish fries? Which got me thinking about French fries...and

"Dessert...ah, I mean... the desert... again, huh? Sounds hot. Lotsa sun...heat..." _What nonsense!_ _Where was a gag to shut me up?!_

He nodded but didn't take his eyes off mine, mystified by my strangeness rather than immobilized by my 'stunning-ness'. I observed that the faint scar running along his jaw line was hardly noticeable, his tan had faded that much. I guess I'd paused too long. He looked away and down. "'S'okay...if you don't wanna..."

"'Course I'll go!" I piped up. I didn't even try and hide my enthusiasm. "Someone's gotta make sure you don't get sucked down into some underground cavern again. Dangerous place-- and you know how I love danger! Ha, ha!"

I may have gone a little overboard, but he seemed pleased and we walked back to the stage area in a much better mood. I had been successful wrestling his attention away from whatever or whomever else he was doing and fixing it on me. And he had me to accompany him out to his inherited lands. A win-win situation.

I was looking forward to the excursion so much that I wasn't even bothered by Gourry and Sylphiel's wedding a week later. I was a lovely bridesmaid and a cheerful bringer of good vibes all the way. And when Xelloss and Filia headed off on their trip, I was all smiles and full of good will, a regular _bon vivant (_or is there a _belle vivant_ or something since I'm a girl?) enjoying life as it came to me!

Believe it or not Val and I accomplished a staggering quantity of work, which I'm now going to tell you about. Yeah, this next part is all about how I spent many of my next summer vacations (and others) out in the Ancient Clan environs, so sit back and relax a moment. But don't worry, this'll go faster than you think.

Val and I met with several other interested parties, clan, conservationists, and government agencies to determine how to preserve and use the vast Ancient clan lands which he was sole heir to. We determined that we wanted much of the high desert land preserved as wilderness. Where the Ancient clan ruins remained, we wanted to develop a monument, park and learning center. Running through, beneath and over the land were a multitude of natural resources such as mineral deposits and oil. These were a large part of the wealth of the area, along with the pants and animals of the region. All needed to be utilized and respected appropriately. Val also wanted to establish a town, linking it to the clan settlements already in the area, which would encompass his and Nahga's spa with lots of recreation facilities.

Okay...stop complaining. If Zel could get away with all his whining about medical school, then I can tell a little bit about this. Consider that I am sharing the literary space with Val then, okay? Yeah, 'cause if he had a chance to write, this is what he'd be writing about...his place. Anyway, I'm gonna put just about everything in this one chapter then I won't tell it all again some other time. Okay? So....

That first summer, we came up with a Preservation Mission Statement, which was: 'to achieve, maintain and communicate The Ancient Clan Park and Preserve's status as a superlative Park, Biosphere Reserve and World Heritage Site. Through effective leadership, enhanced scientific research, information-based preservation actions, and stakeholder partnerships, we will manage uses to provide a unique, inspirational visitor experience while protecting the Park's ecosystems. We will recognize and perpetuate the Park's intangible values, including those values associated with the natural resources.'

Then we started breaking the thing up into separate projects and building teams of specialists. It was too big for just the two of us!

One of the most extensive and single most expensive of our first undertakings encompassed designing and reconstructing roads and 'supplementary facilities'. The greatest challenge was to provide adequate facilities while preserving the park's wild, but delicate, beauty. To preserve a sense of wildness, careful planning and great attention to detail were required. This project included the reconstruction and partial relocation of 500 km of highway, the overlay of 75 km of existing road, the construction of 50 parking areas, the obliteration of 8 km of old road, and the reconstruction of a large bridge. The total cost for this work: $800,000,000. Val shrugged off the costs like Zel could a compliment. I imagine that he just sold a handful of diamonds to pay for it all.

For some examples of what was happening... ah, okay, both the roadway and the temporary parking areas along Dry Lake Road were inadequate. Dry Lake Road was the main route into the Ancient Clan settlement, linking the place to the highway. The surfaces consisted of dirt, rocks, and numerous potholes. They were dusty in dry weather and muddy in wet weather. Also, they were too small -- frequently filled with construction vehicles by mid-morning. Since one of the largest parking lots was to be located at the entrance to the monument area, it would become permanent, and at the offset it was a blasted pit. So, the first things that were built, along with access roads, were three new parking areas. The largest could hold more than a hundred vehicles with additional oversized spaces for buses and motor homes and an area for horse trailers. The conservators were concerned that these large parking facilities would look like shopping center parking lots. That meant that lots of careful planning, planting, and construction was expended to ensure that they would not.

Built nearly 150 years ago, Dry Lake Road was too narrow for the motor homes and tour buses that would constitute a large portion of modern-day traffic through the park (not to mention the construction rigs.) The pavement was thin, and the road's foundation had pockets of unstable material, meaning that it could not support the heavy traffic that used it; its surface was cracking and had large ruts. The grade of the new road closely followed the contours of the ground. Cuts and fills were minimized, and slopes were rounded to blend with the contours of the natural terrain. Topsoil, which crews saved during construction, was placed over the cut-and-fill slopes.

See? I was learning a lot about all kinds of things I never thought I'd be interested in, and Val was too. He immersed himself in a plethora of plans, loads of literature, and reams of research the like of which I _know_ he had never explored before. He had a mission. At last.

Val became really keen on history. He began a campaign throughout all the clans to collect relevant photographs and old interviews pertaining to his destroyed clan. Over a short period of time, we had scads of material. Those Cephied clans keep ancestral catalogues back for ages, and while it had once been next to impossible for Val to get his family background years ago, now that lots of money was changing hands and valuable real estate was at risk, information poured into us in a flood. Yep, the communication dam broke at last. Now we just had to sort through it all, separate the flotsam from the jetsam, and make sense of what remained! We tried to do this together in the evenings, because I didn't want him to come across something painful when he was alone. Somehow, I figured he wasn't all that tough where it counted deep down inside.

In order to get other clan folk all revved up about the project, Val started leading small tour groups through the badlands, the valley of destruction, and up to the temple saying, "The best way to _in-tro-duce di-plo-mats_ from other clans to this place is ta go on a hikin' trip."

When Val would speak about the Ancient Clan Parklands, his voice would become excited. "You can e_x-plore_ the caves, or walk down the streets, or hike on the Temple Trail and you are steppin' on the very prints of the Ancient people who were the originators of all the Cephied Believers. The thing that is most _at-trac-tive_ about the place, is that you can re-live the part of history that you are interested in," he said. "And, just so you know, this park has been identified as havin' _in-ter-na-tion-al sig-ni-fi-cance._"

Val was in this primarily to build a monument to his family and lost clan and...well...he wanted some good off-road motorcycle paths. He could do it all and more, but not alone.

We needed more help, starting with an administration staff composed of elected officials from the regional Cephied councils, the townships surrounding the park and the general non-clan government councils involved. The staff obtained the advice of scientists, representatives of local associations and the social/economic partners and involved them in crafting and implementing the Park's action plan.

From there we established a cohesive team of experts, consisting from 15 to 30 persons, some of whom would continue on as permanent employees or be assigned for limited periods by the various administrators. These technicians were highly qualified in environmental, land use and local development fields. Ecology engineers, landscape administrators, archeologists, agricultural development officers, tourism specialists, architectural consultants, energy specialists, educational advisors and social/cultural officers – yeah, and that was just a sample of the fields of specialization we had to deal with!

Conservation was not at the top of Val's 'concerns', but he listened closely to what the guys had to suggest. We looked at what other agencies had done and then 'developed a strategic, science-based planning process which helped us identify the highest-priority places which if conserved, promised to ensure biodiversity over the long term.' Ah, that was a quote from the Nature Conservancy's publicist. I think Val's favorite part, and mine too, was joining the teams to gather data about the location and health of different conservation areas, from a variety of sources including examining satellite images! That was fun, and so were a lot of other things we learned about.

Like maintaining a preserve.

In the designated wilderness park, no marked campsites or portages would be permitted. Visitors would be encouraged to use low impact camping techniques. Groups would be limited to nine people and a can and bottle ban would be in place.

So the experts collected information, set some goals, stored all the information, and then analyzed it, often through computer modeling to design an efficient network of conservation areas and some practical suggestions as to what to build or avoid building on, where to locate service roads, and how to manage the oil and mineral rights.

We put their advisements to use when it came to developing plans for Val's town. This small town's purpose was to provide homes and services for the spa workers, but soon it was blended into the nearest, already established 'Golden' clan village. The commitment to preserve open space as a 'natural amenity' was achieved by maintaining the dry stream beds, natural rock outcroppings, and native-lonely plantings in their near-natural conditions (creating spectacular 'view corridors', to use the lingo we were learning) and by requiring that all land be kept undisturbed beyond each approved building. In addition, carefully defined building 'envelopes' (the area on each lot where building can take place) allowed each home or business to take best advantage of the terrain, the views and the vegetation while minimizing the impact on its neighbors. A special program of lighting standards was established to help shield nighttime illumination so that evening views could be enjoyed throughout the Ancient Clan Badlands High Desert.

Hey, we left no rock unturned—except those actually attached to the ground, heh, heh...

And I ought to mention the recreation! The entire community was interlaced with an extensive network of trails and bike paths. Community trails connected to the broader regional network of trails within the Ancient monument and the Badlands Wilderness. We sere still working on the area titles...

In addition to the large areas of natural space preserved within the community, a 10-acre neighborhood park was located next to the Ancient Clan Monument and High Desert Information Center. Smaller parks were also designated throughout the community within several of the village neighborhoods. The park as well as the other sanctuaries would provide bird watching, hiking and horseback riding, and a network of motorcycle tracks and trails. Something for everyone, especially Val.

We had a team of writers tearing through sheaves of computer paper producing brochure prototypes. You know the stuff I mean. Crap like: "Visitors can view spectacular floral displays normally in bloom between mid-March and late May. Wildlife seen on the preserves varies from earthbound creatures such as the horned lizards, chuckwallas and rattlesnakes, to majestic prairie falcons and golden eagles. In the spring, large shrubs provide nesting sites for a variety of songbirds. Other protected animals which may be seen are the kit fox, desert tortoise and ground squirrel. All areas are closed to any sort of vehicle entry. No camping allowed. No drinking water available."

This didn't all happen that first summer! Did I say that? No! It took years and years.

We just got things rolling that first summer. A summer to remember for sure. So, you are wondering where all the romance fit in? Well, there wasn't any, but Val and I did cement our friendship. Before, it had been Zel and me or Amelia and me, or in the past, Gourry and me as pals. Now, I could include Val (okay, Xelloss fit in there someplace but forget him for now, okay?)

I pondered this new deeper friendship which had grown between us one night in the cabin. Someone had donated to Val's cause, a big old king-sized mattress. It nearly took up half the cabin floor space, but it was better than sleeping on the hard floor night after night. We didn't spend that much time there anyway and sometimes we stayed in one of the small clan communities or towns for the use of shower facilities and all. So we just kept a couple sleeping bags on the mattress, see? I know, you are thinking that we were 'like sleeping together'. Well, we weren't like doing that at all. We were sleeping side-by-side and that was it. So one night I woke up and as my eyes became accustomed to the dim light, I could make out Val's form close by. He was turned on his side my way, sleeping. He was at peace in his sleep. No _a-ti-tude _to maintain; no pretext for being the tough dude with a chip on his shoulder; no bullies to defend himself against. I wished he could see himself as I did and know that all that protective armor wasn't necessary any more. But then, was mine? Some things were built out of need and maintained out of habit and those habits were hard to break.

Anyway, you can see how I gained a bit of perspective about life and my small part in it. Hard work toward a meaningful cause can do that to a person. It made returning to school each fall more significant as well.

After my first summer in the badlands with Val, came the fall where Zel began medical school. He hadn't the free time for hanging around anymore and I missed his perspicuity and sardonic humor. Yeah. I had ripped through my course work with such expediency and excellence, that I was accepted into the Seyruun University Graduate School of the Humanities, Arts and Letters and then allowed to enroll in their winter session. How about that for over-achiever-ness! 'Busy' was my first, last, and middle name—oh, wait...that would have made me related to Zel (as in: Mr. Zelgadiss I.M. Busy), and I sure as hell didn't want to become part of _that_ messed up family tree! Well, we were both 'full of activity'. So, then I got this breathless call from Sylphiel telling me she was pregnant.

Gourry and she were going to be parents.

Wow, a kid Slayer.

Then Amelia called me to say Zel proposed, but she had said no and was really worried that he'd never speak to her again.

Zel _proposing? _

Babies being created, by _Slayers_?

Would the world be ending soon?

I buzzed over to Amelia's house and listened to her cry her heart out and throw a tantrum whenever I said anything, and then helped her down to the kitchen where the wonderful cook-lady served us tea and cake, which made _me_ feel a heck of a lot better about everything.

Zel proposed...I couldn't get over that. He had to have been out of his mind to do something stupid like that. Talk about poor timing! He didn't have _time _to tie his shoes, much less keep a marriage going! He never had had such an impulsive streak before. Must have been the pressure of too much work breaking him down, I decided. The poor, poor idiot.

**"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." --William Blake  
  
**

Just keep that in mind while I tell this next part, okay?

In any case, like I said, by winter I was taking graduate classes at SU. Xelloss and Filia returned from their travels and despite all of our hectic schedules, the band made time to perform and record a couple times.

By spring, or sometime around there, I got this call from Gourry with news of the birth of his new baby girl, Sayo Ruth. He was so excited about it that I volunteered to locate the others and give them the news. Xelloss was hardest to find, and when I did, well, Filia was there in his room and she told me that she was...getting involved with him! Talk about oil and vinegar! No amount of shaking would make me think of them as a salad !

Consequently, I called Zel and told him to pound some sense into Xelloss. But Zel was down in the dumps. Heartbroken from Amelia having turned him down. I knew Zel was still nursing a damaged ego, and I had the common sense to know that he certainly wouldn't _want_ to tell me that, so I figured I'd have to lure him away from his studies and give him a little pep talk or something. I talked him into meeting me at the campus coffee shop he prized so dearly. As I had predicted, he tried to cover up his feelings and, remembering that it was to be my 21st birthday that night, invited me out to dinner and 'maybe a movie'.

See? I was 'being there' for my friends. I was being magnanimous and trying to give them both a shoulder to lean on, one for each side, and what did Zel do? He slammed me with that perverse piece of crap suggesting...no..._absolutely_ saying that I slept with him. Well, I am here to say that that was an out and out lie. Okay, I may have made a little suggestion in jest. BUT IN JEST, MIND YOU! He was so depressed I thought I'd shock him out of it. So, I said something to the effect that if he was up to it he might wanna teach me...things. AS A JOKE! He poured coffee down his shirt, a stupid thing to do and which looked bad, so I suggested that we stop at his place so he could change, then stop at mine so I could change into something better than the grungy stuff I'd worn all day, then we could go out to dinner someplace fancy with a long wine list so I could order something for the first time seeing as I had just turned 21. And that is what we did. That and only that. Oh, and the movie, which contained more sex than to my taste, but probably fueled his perverted imagination to go on and write all that other garbage about me and him.

Oh, and I also wanna make it clear that we did not mess around in anyway up in the tree house at any time. There was just this one time where we were 'camping out' up there. It was hot and he took off his shirt and lay on top of his sleeping bag. It was about midnight and pretty dark, mind you. Well, I was hot too so I figured 'what the hey?' and took my t-shirt off. He got all self-righteous and told me that 'girls can't do that' and told him 'I could so and did!' and he told me 'I wasn't supposed to let him see my breasts' and I replied, "What breasts?"

Okay, so then we noticed that I had more than he did, but it wasn't going to make any big difference with either of us so we just dropped it and went to sleep. Luna found us half-naked in the morning and...that was the last sleep-over we had together. Too bad. He was a remarkably gorgeous boy, until the explosion not long after...then he became an even more remarkable one.

Have I clarified all that now? I hope so! I'm still miffed at him, but not so much. Amelia thought it was funny (Yes, she read his lies and laughed-- laughed!) and has been working on me to see it that way. Zel and I have a long history and I'd hate to lose him as a friend and have everyone think his sense of humor, bad as it is, is better than mine! Oh, I'll let it go, don't worry 'bout that; I just want him to stew over it a bit longer. Serves him right!

More stuff happened, but the next turning point in my life came at Val's graduation party out at Zel's beach house. Oh yeah, I was pretty mad at Zel about that too! Hiding the fact that he had a beach house..._from me!_ He'd gone and built this terrific place and never once invited me out there! Amelia, yes; me, no. I mean, that certainly put me in my place, and I wasn't used to being in second place. Well, after I got wind of that, he made a few changes. Most importantly, he invited all the band over for a weekend, and, with no little persuasion on the part of me, agreed to hosting Val's Art Institute graduation party out there later in June.

At any rate, the weekend with the band out at his place went fine, if you can believe it? No crises, no hurt feelings-- marginal damage. Val had done the driving to and fro the beach house and I discovered the next day when I was rushing off to classes that I'd left behind a bag of 'unused', extra clothes. (How would I have missed that, you ask? Well okay, so there were some other personal items in there too.) I called Zel and he said he was too busy to look, but that he thought Val found it in his car and brought it in the house. I wasn't pleased imagining my stuff being dragged about like that, but there was nothing to do about it but head on over after classes and pick it up.

"Hey! The light's on so I know you're in there. Open up so I can get the bag I left and then I'll just... Oh, hi Val..."

He wasn't looking so hot. He tried to hide his eyes but I could tell right off that they were kinda red.

"Lina, I'm not up to company now."

"I just came for my stuff. Besides, I'm not company." Now I was really curious. Was he getting back into drugs? What was he hiding? I stretched my neck as far as it could reach and noticed what appeared to be photos and papers scattered over the sofa table. "Lookin' at pictures?"

"Some."

I was getting a bad feeling about this.

"Family?" I guessed.

He nodded then hung his head and sighed reluctantly, "Might as well come in..."

He had been brooding over his family pictures. "I found this newspaper in a pile of junk folks had given me." He carefully had folded it back to reveal the obituaries, birth, and wedding announcements. "See that?"

I scanned down the page to find...

"That's a picture of my oldest brother and his wife-to-be. They were just engaged it says here."

The young man was just the same age as Val was now. I had to bite back tears myself.

"My father being the head of the clan made ours an important family. This announcement was a big deal. I, ah, located the girl's house on this map..."

He pointed to a spot on a detailed map of the Ancient clan valley spread out before us. The area maps were stored in the county offices our team of experts found. We were in the process of opening most of the roads for tours past the ... wreckage. Not all but some.

Val went on, "I wanna find where her house was and mark it."

His voice caught in his throat, so I tried to cover for him. "Yeah? Well, I'll help and see if every house can be identified and a marker put in place by the time it's ready to open to the public."

"You...would do that for me?" Val's golden eyes met mine at last, moments before he broke down.

I was holding him in my arms as he cried silently. He just shook and squeezed the air out of me. Aside from Xelloss, I'd never seen a man cry. That Val had dropped his guard like this meant that he trusted me a lot. I patted him on the back and murmured something sappy, but it felt, well, nice. I was making a difference. Poor guy. He was haunted by a past he had no recollection of. He was determined not to let his family, his people, be forgotten, and it was tearing him up inside.

"Better let me put this stuff back now," I gasped with my last breath.

I didn't want him to think that I was thinking he was doing anything wrong; it was more of a cautionary action. Too much of this sentimental stuff wasn't good for a guy, or anyone. He released me at once, and let me fold and stack and place it all back into a cardboard box by the table.

"There, we'll go through it later...together, okay?" I said. My hands were shaking now.

"Thanks, Li. I don't know why it gets to me sometimes. I didn't even know those people!"

But he did, in his heart, and continued to say, "He didn't even have a chance to see what his life was to be about."

"It was terrible, what happened, Val, and you are doing so much to make them real, I know."

"The best thing I can do, and I told Zel this once, was ta just live my life in a way ta make'em proud."

"Hey, that's pretty smart, Val. They woulda liked that you graduated from college..."

"And the band. We made that a success, didn't we?" he smiled, a sweet, genuine one.

"You bet we did! You have been so strong to get where you are, Val...all that would have made them very proud." I squeezed my hands around his and smiled back. At least they weren't shaking anymore! Instead, I felt a dreadful warmth creep up my neck. I must have been blushing, my face coloring to match my hair!

I managed to make him blush as well and he chuckled at it. Then he mimicked the way I'd chided Zel in the past by saying, "Shit, Li, yer not about to go all mushy on me, are ya?"

I bounced up and stretched, recovering my composure. "Naw, I just wanna get my bag of stuff and head back. Don't wanna be here when Zel gets in and hafta listen to him gripe about 'all his work'. 'Sides... Big day of classes tomorrow!"

The mood changed back to a more normal one after that.

"This it?" he dangled a plastic shopping bag with a cotton drawstring. He was asking, but he _knew _it was mine. _I_ knew he knew it was mine by the smirk plastered across his face.

"Yes, and unless you wanna wash my dirty t-shirts, then give it back."

"Ain't no t-shirts in here."

I knew that too, but I wasn't about to say 'my underwear', was I?!

"Just give it!"

"Pretty little things..." he simpered.

"Va-al..." I growled as my blush deepened. "You had no business looking at those."

"Ah, sure I did! Had to know _what_ it was...then _whose_ it was... Wasn't Zel's... Too tiny for Fil or Sylph... so it was either Amelia's or yers... I figured her for pink, though..."

"I wear whatever I got. Color's no matter!" I really didn't want to discuss the color of my underwear any more.

"You should have those little back satin things..." he began to say, but then I landed a few punches, one to his gut which made him drop the sack, and then I left. Stupid boy! And here I thought he was growing up into a, well... an interesting person.

Some chance!

Amelia and I ended up doing most of the planning for Val's graduation party. As usual, nothing would ever get done without me to plan, organize and divvy out the work...and Amelia to do most of it. Zel was 'busy', Sylphiel had 'the baby', Gourry had 'this new job, Lina', Filia was some help but distracted with Xelloss' shenanigans. Kiki, rescued us from some problems, but I can't recall which exactly. The point was, the majority of the workload was on my shoulders, and I already was under a load of personal problems.

I remember ordering several cheesecakes, but not the beer. That had been Val's stupid contribution. Yeah, I said stupid, because it was the beer that went to my head to make all those weird connections to recent occurrences and a dream I once had, which I'm getting to so don't get all impatient.

First off, I had this funny feeling earlier in the week when I went to see Gourry and Sylphiel about some party plans or whatever. I was about to knock on the door, when it flew open and a blur of kids and dogs tumbled out and over me. I landed butt-down on the grass and was about to start yelling, when Gourry's big hands grabbed me and lifted me out of the mess.

"You okay, Lina?"

"Eh? Oh, yeah, sure... Yuck, dog spit!" Then I had the bizarre feeling that I'd done this years ago. That I'd been through all this before...

He chuckled at my expression.

There were way too many kids and animals running around. I asked him about that, "When did you acquire the extras, Gourry?"

"Ho...Kagome brought her kids by to play. They gave us one of their dog's puppies too."

"Oh..."

Okay, so that wasn't too impressive, I know, but just hold on. I got another weird circumstance to tell you about that happened the next day. I met Zelgadiss at 'our' coffee shop. There was a pot of 'all you can drink' coffee at the table and a platter of donuts. It was a warm and friendly sort of place. I was making headway finishing off those treats all the while we went over the details about the party, when **boom!** Déjà vu! Yeah, like I'd been there like that before, only then it stopped. Amelia entered the place and Zel waved and trotted off after her, with me in their wake.

Not impressed yet? Well, just you wait! So, now I'm at the party, Val's graduation party at Zel's beach place. Xelloss and I are standing out on the balcony looking at the ocean and feeling the breeze blow our hair. Pretty place. I'm feeling all good inside.

"Oh, by the way, Lina, if you get a chance. I have a sixth sense, you might say, about that trunk of Val's..."

We were interrupted by Zolf bringing Xelloss a cell phone.

"You left this on the table," Zolf said.

And then it happened again, that déjà vu thing. I had done this before, I knew it! But I couldn't have.

"Did I? Thank you. Never know when opportunity might be calling?" Xelloss chuckled. "Filia? Getting cold? Let's go in. Lina? Something to drink for you?"

I shook my head and remained where I was, watching them leave hand in hand. No, it wasn't the same,_ exactly_. But it was so close.

Then came the party out at Zel's (which was a big success thanks to you-know-who again.)

Then I had an epiphany.

It was from an old dream. Yes, I had dreamed about being with these guys and awoke afraid I was getting romantic attachments for them! Whoa, that had been back in our old high school days! So then, I hadn't been glimpsing snippets of my possible futures _with_ each of them, it had been my budding future without them, freeing them. Okay, that made sense. Kinda. It also made me a little melancholy for some reason. It wasn't as if I wanted to start up something with one of them, but they just seemed so damned contented. Even Val. My eyes swept the room to find him dancing with a bevy of beauties, as usual. He never seemed to want for admirers. One girl was particularly close and wearing the skimpiest of outfits. And something inside me stirred. Val and his future hadn't been cast in my dreamscape.

I stalked to that side of the room and pushed my way through the pulsating bodies.

"Hey."

"Yo, babe. Come on and dance."

I did. I joined the throng and made a space. I couldn't tell if Val sensed a change in me or not. He seemed unsure when I gave him a smile, so I snaked close and slipped an arm around his neck while still dancing, closing any space between us and drawing him downwards. He got some message, because he responded by securing his hands on my hips and undulating with me, cheek-to-cheek setting a pace of our own. Whatever it was, Val didn't cross-examine me to get to the root of my problem, if there was one. He just went with the flow and enjoyed where the moment took him, and me.

I felt his face move apart. He was looking at me; first at my eyes, and then sliding downwards, to my moving lips, I suppose. He was thinking of kissing me. I was lip-syncing the words to the song. Did I want him too? Would I like it? If he did, would I ever want him this close again? Then I noticed Zel and Amelia. My gods! The way he was pawing her was embarrassing. And she was letting him put his hands...there?!

"Geez...Zel...that's pretty blatant..." I musta said that aloud, that and frowned and blushed and who knows how many other forms of tense body language signals I musta given off. Val read them pretty well. He unhanded me, and then followed my eyes to see the offending pair.

"Just a minute," he growled.

Val got rid of them. Zel was chuckling as he pulled Amelia in a most possessive manner out of the room and down the hall. His room, I figured. When Val returned, my mood had changed. I was picking through the snacks for something unmolested.

"Who woulda dreamed I'd be the one havin' to do that?" Val remarked lightly in my ear.

I shrugged. Never know about dreams. Who'da guessed that any of my dreams would come true?

Before I said anything, though, he had changed the subject. "What time do ya want to head out tomorrow?"

"Huh?" I asked.

Val gave me a strange look. Unlike most of my other friends, I had the damnedest time reading his expressions. He usually looked aloof, angry, bored...you know, that half-lidded teenage boy look which sticks with them well into their twenties. They could all do it; Zel was an expert, although I knew him so well I could read his mood a mile away. Xelloss would try and hide his feelings, but if you could catch him with his eyes unguarded, he was an open book. Gourry rarely retreated that way, which made it so hard to get mad at him. Those sincere, big, blue eyes a person could fall into and drown...

"Ah, Li, if you don't wanna go to the monument, you don't hafta. You can make the drive yourself anytime, or not." He turned to leave.

Oh that! I could see I'd hurt his feelings, forgetting. So that was what that expression meant? "Hey, Val! Um, sorry 'bout that. My mind was on...eating! Yeah, food and you know how that can be, eh? So, ah...yeah. Ah, not too early...ya know me and mornings...heh, heh...heh..." Yeah, I was lame sounding, all right?

"'Kay," he nodded and stalked off.

Rest of the party was okay. Food dwindled, beer gone. Cops took off with the younger kids-- Joey doing a sleepover with his bud, the black kid with the blonde hair, what's his name? Bikky? Something like that. Most of the older kids crashed in drunken heaps on the floor. I believe Gourry and Sylphiel had secured one of the spare rooms beforehand and I had no idea what happened to Xelloss and Filia. Well I do, but I was trying to forget they're noisy giggling on the balcony. Eventually they headed out to the settlement, although that may have been in the morning. Kinda blurry at the time. Zolf and Nahga had a place rented down the road. I had a couch. Val had another one.

The cleaning staff woke me up with a vacuum cleaner under my ear. I never did get to thank Zel for the party before Val and I headed off to the Ancient Clan badlands. It was the two week band break and there was a huge amount of work for us to get done.

First, though, we stopped at my place to collect my bag of clothes, and then we stopped at Val's house, mostly vacant these days. He still kept his mom's truck at the foot of his bed. Now, why was that meaningful? Xelloss mentioned it last night at the party, but we were interrupted and I wasn't thinking to clearly at the time and forgot to go back and question him. I had been staring intently at the large, wooden foot-locker, concentrating, when I figured it out.

"Ach, Xelloss!"

"Name's Val, V-A-L, if you've forgotten..." he started to go sarcastic on me when he noticed that I was waving my hand and pointing at his stupid trunk. "Li? What is it?"

"Val, it's a diagram! Look!"

"What's a diagram?"

"There! The carving on the trunk. Didn't you ever notice that before? Those lines..."

"Yeah, like a maze. I always thought it was a maze, you know, I was a kid and I'd follow them around like this..." Val traced a continuous path in the carving from one point to another. "Hey, could be that be... Li, it's the temple. See the arches and columns... now that they're restored, it's gotta be..."

"Sure, it could be. So, what do you think it leads to?"

"Let's go find out," he grinned eager to get a move on.

I agreed, thinking at the time how uncanny Xelloss' _sixth-sense_ timing was, "Right, make a map first."

The Monument part was mostly completed; I had a few houses to 'ID' yet and their markers to set up. The temple restoration was nearly finished with the upper rooms. Most of caverns were emptied and closed off. The roads were ready; still, there were plenty of tasks waiting to be done. Our first stop was to inspect the temple, though. 

"Okay, so we are here. Which way...?"

"Follow me," Val said. He had spent the most time in that part of the monument, so I let him take the lead.

"Hello, Mr. Agares." Our course was hindered by a cluster of workmen.

"We need to get past," I declared.

"You can do that, but the hall is obstructed by a rock fall around the turn," he warned us.

Val and I dashed on ahead to find that at our next turn in the maze, it was blockaded by a huge barrier of rubble. Val grunted and swore.

"I'll get someone on it," I said and pulled out my cell phone, which didn't work in there. "Okay, let's go back out and find the foreman in charge."

We eventually acquired a well-paid team of miners, spelunkers, and engineers to clear a tunnel to match our crudely drawn maze. Then we waited.

Waiting was hard, but we had plenty of other jobs to distract us from the mysterious maze. Hard, tiring work. And mostly things were great. Mostly. But things were also different. One evening after a long day, we had showered over at the spa and then gone to dinner. When we finally returned to out cabin for the night, we were both beat. We had been up since dawn, (yeah me waking up with the sun and birds and squawking birds and chattering squirrels and noisy, noisy birds) and we'd worked our butts off all day and now I was fed and ready to collapse. Because of the close quarters, Val had always let me crawl into my sleeping bag first in the dark, and then, after a while, after I usually had fallen asleep, he'd follow. It worked that way this time, except for the part about me being asleep. I was wide awake. I didn't move. I didn't want him feeling like he had to stay up any longer if he was tired. I didn't know why I wasn't sleepy. I was tired all over, but not sleepy.

Moonlight was shining through the window, enough that I could see Val's form moving around through my slitted eyes. I was lying there on that huge mattress again, feeling weird. I shouldn't have been watching him that way, but I couldn't help myself as he stood there and stripped off his clothes, and then slithered into his sleeping bag. I know, 'Curiosity killed the cat,' but I wasn't a cat.

"Do you sleep naked with all your friends?" I asked, trying to sound unconcerned.

"Uh, yeah," he furrowed his brows, "unless you've got a problem with it. I thought you were asleep. I'll put something on if it bothers you."

_If_ it bothered me.

"No," I replied and slid over onto my back, pulling the sleeping bag up around my neck and folding my arms over my stomach. "I just wondered."

"You think I'm giving you a special show?" He laughed, propping his pillows up behind him.

I hadn't scared him into thinking he'd offended me, I guessed. "Uh..." I felt myself go red, "I dunno." _Damn, that had been dumb._

"No, man, this is how I sleep. Do you want me to put something on?"

Now what could I say? "It's okay," I mumbled, wishing he'd turn the light off. Oh, it was the moon. Damn.

"Are you... sure?" he teased.

"Yes," I hissed and turned over, facing away from him. "I'm pretty tired. Think I'll go to sleep."

"Me too, in a sec. Just gonna read for a while."

Reading for a while meant reading till midnight, apparently.

"You okay?" he asked, after a while.

"Yeah." _Considering a naked guy is reading poetry by candlelight an arm's length away from me..._

"You're not sleeping."

_Well duh!_ "The light," I mumbled aloud.

"Didn't know it bothered you," he said with a sigh and blew it out before sliding down in his sleeping bag. Now his rumbly voice sounded mere inches away from my ear. "Better?"

_NO!_ I screamed in my mind. "You don't have to stop reading 'cause of me."

"It's cool. I'm tired anyway."

Even after the candle was out, I couldn't sleep. My limbs and mind were restless. I tried to lie still, but tensing made it worse. Eventually, Val grabbed me and pulled me over to his side, pinning my arms against my body and mumbling, "Shit, Li, just ask instead of kicking around."

With my thin t-shirt pressed against his warm skin, my limbs twitched less, my skin stopped prickling, and my breathing began to slow. I considered killing him painfully in his sleep, but...

"Sorry," I whispered, my mouth obeying some other master.

"Shhh...sleep, Li..." He said that like an incantation.

It worked like magic, my mind agreed.

So I did.

The next day, we were a little quiet and uncomfortable with one another as we shuffled through breakfast and rode to check on the tunneling progress. We were greeted on arrival at the temple site by an excited crewman. "We broke through this morning! There was a room, intact at the end. We were waiting for you to come view it first."

That's what we needed to get us going. Val and I took up lanterns and followed the man through the narrow maze tunneled out of rock. Some parts were smooth and solid-walled where the passageways had been undamaged, while in others, overhead and at our sides steel and wood braces had been erected, supporting tons of rock debris.

"Here we are."

"Go on, Val. You first," I prodded him forward.

The room was luminous both with hanging lanterns and with silvered wall adornments.

"Val, check the cases."

"Documents, records. My father's rituals of office. It's all here, Li, my history!"

That's right. Those folks were as anal about record-keeping as any of the other Cephied Clan people, which shouldn't have been a surprise since they were the first clan, the progenitors of the others and they probably set the standards. They had an archive deep within the mountain temple where valuable papers were stored and protected. Not everything had been lost in the massacre, and Val's mother had passed the secrets to her last remaining son. By the end of the day, everything was removed from the room for proper handling; some for display and others for archival. Ah...except for a single small item, which I will get to later, when the time is right.

The room and the passageway remain private to this day, as a personal reminder to Val of his mother's love and family's endurance. Yep, life travels the most unexpected paths at times. One small thing leads to another and to another and to the next. You just put one foot forward and you are swept up in the excitement and enormity of it all.

Xelloss, how did you know about those lines on Val's trunk? Or did you? Probably not. It was just your intuition at the moment triggered by who knows what. That crazy, convoluted mind of yours leads us continually into chaos. Luckily, you all have got me to set things straight again!

What else went on that summer? Oh, Fil and Xelloss took off to Poland. And Zel and Amelia broke up, again, because she wouldn't move in with him for the summer. Yeah, like she'd wanna live with that jerk, or any guy for that matter! And...that's about it for this round. Hey, I can't tell you everything or I'll never get this thing to press! Next time, more about me and my friends coming to grips with life, okay? Oh, and it will be a little limey, be forewarned.

Author's Note: we wish to acknowledge and thank Bibliomaniac for the obsession/possession concept used in Zel and Lina's argument.

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Eighteen.


	19. Lina, Val, and Xelloss

–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-10

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Nineteen: Lina, Val, and Xelloss**

**  
Warning note: This chapter may contain mild sexual situations and frank sexual discussions.**

"_I was shipwrecked before I got aboard."- Seneca, in Moral Essays_

* * *

Hey, I'm back with this story again. Let's return to where we left off. Summer was fairly uneventful after that exciting find in the temple. You know, the usual gigs and touring and a few fun trips. 

In fall, it was a return to school for me. Of note, I began serious work on the Seyruun High Jinx trilogy at this time, while Val was gone at work at his Monument place creating _sculpture_, as in _A-R-T._ Yeah, he was applying that art degree, doing what he had never done before: Giant monstrosities (that wasn't different) but with outdoorsy, natural themes constructed out of discarded car bodies found dumped at the Badlands. Real cool.

Zel was lost to medical school. Amelia was in her middle year of college and thinking of law schools. Sylphiel was caring for babies and Xelloss was...rarely a visitor of mine. Filia and I passed like those fabled 'ships in the night'; her to be with Xelloss or at her tea shop and me to be at the university.

Before I knew it, winter had passed and I was planning summer break out at the Ancient clan site again.

A little birdy with grape-juice colored eyes slipped it to me that Gourry and Sylphiel were planning to see Val and his badlands project for a couple days. Val would give them the grand tour. Not wanting to run into my friends and crowd them (read this as: have to explain myself and what I was doing out there alone with Val), I visited Luna and Julian out at their settlement. And I ran into Xelloss waiting outside Filia's house. He was going to go horseback riding with her, he said.

"You know what a horse _is_, don't you?" I asked.

"Yes..." he answered warily. "...an animal."

"Just checking!" I laughed aloud at his frown. "Enjoy your picnic!"

Horseback riding. Ye gods, Xelloss! What love could drive a man to do! It was just amazing... Why, he'd no sooner ride a horse by choice as drive a car or swim! Okay, he did learn to swim, but if Zel hadn't made him go, he never would have touched water.

It reminded me of some witty banter years past: "I hate water," Xelloss once whined to us all at some event. "If I didn't have to drink it occasionally, then it could all dry up and disappear from my perspective."

I think it was Zel who then replied, "You are mostly made of water and I wish you would disappear from all perspectives."

From which point on I forgot the rest of their juvenile repartee. Hey, it was a long time ago that that all happened, gimme a break here. But you get my drift; Xelloss hated swimming.

Well, he liked horses even less, being my line of reasoning. For his best bud Zel he'd take swim lessons, but for Filia he would ride a stinking, sweaty, dirty horse. For a second, it made me wonder what Xelloss would do for me, if I asked. Just how far would he still go?

"Fun? Yeah, I will, I think. Filia's packing baskets and _towels_ for _swimming_," he gave a dry chuckle in acknowledgement of his own predicament.

"So...horses and swimming, _too?_" I nearly choked on a stifled laugh.

"Yeah," he smiled, uneasily, his grin going crooked. "Would you like to join us?"

Like he wanted me tagging along! I had my own 'guy' to paw and scrape over me now and I wouldn't have to share him. I rose above it all. I made a show of checking my watch first then replied, "No thanks. I'm...ah...I've got plans with Nahga."

Which was true.

He sounded relieved when he answered, "Oh, well, another time then."

I smiled meaningfully, "Oh, and thanks for the warning."

"You are welcome. It should be safe to travel now." He opened his eyes wider and asked, "If you ever want to discuss...things. Let me know, okay?"

I did not want to discuss anything having to do with Val with Xelloss, but it wouldn't have been polite to throw that back at him after he had helped me out. I wasn't sure what he thought was going on, and I didn't want to stoke the fires of his curiosity.

"Ah...um...yeah. Bye then!"

I waved and wished him well, then jogged up to the main entrance to give Nahga a call and maybe still catch that offered ride into the Ancient badlands with her.

"You missed Gourry and Sylphiel," Val said with a disdainful look in his eyes. He attempted to stare a hole through my head. 

"Oh did I? Heh, heh...too bad about that. Say, so what's new?" _Besides you being in a bad mood...?_

Nahga must have felt the same bad vibes as I had. They were flowing over and about Val. Festooned like a friggin', be-ribboned May pole, only in angry, loud colors. She had to get away before she was tied up any longer in our problems.

"I'm meeting Zolf later," she said as she backed away. "Maybe we'll all get together later for a drink...or maybe not. Bye!"

Val nodded as she left, but his beady amber eyes never left me.

"What?" I nearly shrieked. They were practically drilling me into the wall with pent up force to spare.

"You're avoidin' me."

"What? I'm here, aren't I? How can I be...?"

"Let me put that another way," he said slowly. "You don't want nobody knowin' that you come out here with me, is that it?"

"You told Gourry that I..."

He cut me off, "No. I was gonna, but then... Maybe you got real good reasons. Or..." he took a deep breath and looked off over my head. "Or, maybe you don't think I'm good enough for ya."

_Oh my gods... _I stood rooted to the spot as rigid as a column of stone and about as word-challenged.

"Yeah, right," he bit off as his anger began to boil over.

I jumped as the door to the cabin slammed shut in my face. "Val?"

But it was too late. He had roared off on his motorcycle. I wilted upon the mattress and simply lay there. Val liked me. Maybe more than just that.

The next day I called a workman from the project to come pick me up. Val had not returned to the cabin the night before. I toiled over papers and plans and returned each night to the cabin, never once seeing Val. It gave me time to think. Regardless of how I felt about him (and I was not prepared to discuss that with myself) I certainly didn't want him thinking that I believed myself too 'good' for him. I hadn't been avoiding him...for that reason. I just hadn't wanted anyone to know that...that...I'd been spending so much time out here alone with him. They would have gotten all the wrong ideas, my friends would have. I would have heard no end of the 'good for _you_, Lina' and 'at _last_, Lina' kinda crap. And there was no 'thing' going on.

A workman pointed me to the temple to find Val. Yep, he was there studying a few of the documents which had been recovered concerning his clan and placed in protective, locked display cases.

"Val... It's not like what you think."

His back tensed. I could make out the muscles beneath the thin t-shirt.

"Please, come back to the cabin tonight and let's talk," I added, inching my way a bit closer.

"You wanna talk?" He turned, but kept his eyes askance, fixed upon the far distance.

"I want to and I want my friend back. It's...lonely out there, you know?"

"I'm finished here anyway. You wanna go for a ride at the new _Mon-u-men-tal Mo-to-cross_?"

"Yeah, super!" I smiled, "And then top it off with a make-up dinner, my treat!"

"'Kay," he smiled faintly in return. I think that shocked him!

Yeah...

* * *

"**When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." --Buddhist proverb**

Whew...

It was a step. And for the next few days we took many steps like that just to get back to the comfortable companionship we had enjoyed in the past. 

Well kinda.

It was time to accept a few things about myself. Like how I was affected by him in close quarters. Okay, so the overall effect of Val was not what you'd call beautiful. Gourry was beautiful inside and breathlessly handsome on the outside. No one could beat him for all-around male attractiveness. Okay, Zel was a cute guy, but too caustic to get close to and just about like a brother, while Xelloss was beautiful to behold (and breath-taking to kiss) but he had too many facets and secret goings-on. Val on the other hand was remarkably good looking, but in an edgy way. Girls just drooled over him and he'd let them, being the kind of guy open to suggestions. Now to me, he had a strange new look. Sexy.

He wanted something, but I couldn't figure out what it was, until he kissed me in greeting one morning...

I wanted something too, and I was beginning to understand what it was. After weeks of sleeping on his mattress, side-by-side, him naked and lying against me, I was frustrated as hell. There had never been any question that Val was sexy, but me-being-me had been so all-consuming that I hadn't really thought about Val in those terms... until recently. But once I started looking at him, catching more 'glimpses' of his naked body, I found it hard to stop.

Being the clever guy he was, Val gave me some time to get used to the idea. It was unspoken but understood that the energy between us had changed, but neither of us was doing anything about it. Except getting increasingly frustrated, I guess.

The kiss that morning had said, 'Time's up!'

I had been getting dressed, sneaking looks at him in his boxers as I pulled my pants on. His body was toned and lean, but with some bulk to it, not heavy, but not skinny either. He was brown, and his arms bore faint sun-bleached hair (not green), but his chest was smooth. Very nice.

Somewhere in-between glancing at him and buttoning my jeans, Val moved swiftly across the room and caught my lips in his. It was shocking, abrupt, and the head-spinning quickly followed. If you haven't kissed Val you can't know. It was nothing like what I had expected and everything that drove me crazy. There are exaggerations all over the place about kisses that make a person stupid with desire, but this was real.

When he removed his lips from mine, I had temporarily lost the reasonable parts of my mind. Other parts of me were screaming, but not my mind.

I took an unsteady step back and found him smiling at me.

"You kiss all your friends like that?" I asked, for lack of something better to say. (As you can tell this was becoming kind of a fall back line of mine when I'd be at a loss for words; as in 'You _put word here_ with all your friends?'.)

"Only the hot ones."

"Reality check for Val," I shook my head. "Why did you do that?"

Stupid question, yeah, but what's the right one?

"Thought it might help you make up your mind." He was still smiling, completely relaxed.

I guess I wasn't looking very intimidating all starry-eyed and all. "Geez..." I ran my hands through my hair and slumped on the edge of the mattress.

"What's up?" He sat next to me. As always, he was oozing 'calm and matter-of-fact', but his presence was doing just the opposite for me.

"I just... don't want to get into this. Especially with you. It'd mess everything up."

I heard his whispered answer, "How do you know?" as I scooted past him and toward the door.

We played 'avoidance' all day, but in a nice way. He never gave me that hurt look Gourry would have or exaggerated the incident all out of proportion like Xelloss would have. He just went about his work ignoring me for the most part. I, however, didn't do such a great job of doing the same.

I sort of knew that if I slept in Val's bed that night something was going to happen. Or maybe I just hoped it would. I usually like to tempt fate, but not actually make any moves myself. Going to bed with Val was definitely tempting fate. I didn't want to be responsible for whatever decision I made... but if it just happened...?

It was a restless night. It seemed I'd been wrong about the tempting fate thing, since Val had plunked himself on the other side of the mattress and was apparently taking the high road. Disappointment and dissatisfaction blended and built within me as the seconds ticked past, going from being pissed at myself, to being pissed at Val for kissing me, and back to being just plain frustrated.

Val's arm reached out across the mattress just after midnight and pulled me back against him. By this time I was so needy, I bit my lip to keep from making a noise when my body contacted with his warmth. This restraint wasn't determined enough that I could maintain it when his arm accidentally brushed the rise of my breasts through my t-shirt. A short gurgling sound emitted from my throat, which seemed noisy in the dark, silent house.

There was a definite and unnatural stillness from Val.

"Sorry," I whispered, mortified.

"Don't be sorry," he said softly, "I've been waiting for you to ask."

My turn for unnatural stillness. His hand moved, flattening out on my stomach. I groaned, "Gods, Val..."

I could feel my heart throbbing in my stomach.

"Do you like it?" he whispered.

I curled into him and then stretched my limbs around and through his in answer. I had needed him to help me sleep once, now my traitorous body was begging for more. He pretended not to notice and stopped his ministrations abruptly.

"Shit, don't worry 'bout it. Settle down, Li, now sleeeep..."

But I didn't want to _sleep_ this time!

Still he held me close and made no further sexual overtures. Yep, the high road. That's where things remained.

I did manage to get a lot of writing done in the evenings. It kept my mind off...Val... and it allowed me to retain some semblance of normalcy. He certainly had no problem avoiding contact with me after that. The special closeness which he'd shared was gone.

What I didn't get was what was going on inside Val's head. Had I asked, he wouldn't have told me or even been able to understand it himself, most likely. We were suddenly back to being 'just friends'. I decided that he wasn't interested in me as a girlfriend after all and I wasn't going to push it. I swallowed my pride for the time being. It was for the best, right? Yeah, but I had this nasty empty feeling to cope with and I didn't like it one bit. I couldn't get what I thought I wanted. I was about to be consumed by self-doubt, if I wasn't careful. So, I decided that I needed to pursue someone new, that maybe Val wasn't suitable after all. Hell, he wasn't the only fish in the sea, right?

What I didn't know was that he was having his own form of second thoughts. It had all started out as a lark for two friends, but when he felt the mutual attraction becoming something more serious, he balked. What he was reacting to initially was his baser desires for sex, but what had matured inside him was a feeling for me that went deeper. And, importantly, we had had this kinda agreement not to get serious and all. So, he was scared. Kinda like me. I didn't learn this until later, had I known it at the time, I'm not sure if things would have turned out differently for us, but it would have saved me some heartache. Him, too.

When I got back home, Filia was out at her settlement with, guess who? Xelloss, naturally. I guessed they had found some way to communicate without taking turns bashing out one another's brains in the process, unless they liked that kind of thing. Some folks do, I'd heard.

The band did get together for a road trip or _ten_. The band was still a popular act and the gigs were a blast. Though, I gotta tell ya this, there is no money to be had in the band business. No get-rich-quick thing for ninety-nine percent of us. We made it okay because Xelloss, Val, Amelia, and Zel were damned loaded. Anyway, we had a great time doing it.

Zel was acting strangely, though—odd and withdrawn, yet nice, polite, non-combative, and especially un-aggressive. Amelia grew worried about Zel.

"He caught some awful disease in the hospital!" Amelia gasped as that possibility occurred to her one day at a band practice. "I just know it! He's not well and he swears he is. I'm so worried, but he won't open up to me."

"Who'dya mean, Zel? Oh, Amelia, I don't know. He doesn't act sick or anything. He's got too tough a hide for germs to get past."

"He's trying to hide it. Look at him. Have you ever seen him smile so much for no reason?"

She had me there.

"Or..." she sniffed back tears, "...he's..."

"Oh, for gods'sakes..."

"He's...he's...he's found someone n-new..." she began to cry.

"Who Zelgadiss? No way. He doesn't have spare time to eat, must less date."

"Y-you're right, I suppose. He does look thin...Oh, Miss Lina! He's ...d-dying!"

"Or he will be if he tries to withhold the truth from me," I grumbled. It was the end of summer and I'd had enough of her sniveling and his oddness, so I asked him about it in private.

He was shocked. He was trying to be 'the man Amelia wanted him to be', that was all!

"Oh be reasonable, Zel..."

"Be reasonable! How can I do that? I thought I was!"

Now, before one can improve the reasoning skills of others, one has to show them what reasoning is; that is, what counts as reasoning and what its point is. Without doing that, one only turns reasoning into a game for these people, a game whose point is arbitrary or unclear and whose rules or methods are external, behavioristic, contrived, and capricious. I suspect there are a number of incorrect things people are doing when they are being what they consider 'reasonable'. Some seem to think that being reasonable means merely 'having reasons'.

"I had my reasons for doing what I did," Zel assured me.

See what I mean? It doesn't matter to them that their reasons are untrue or improbable or that they may not even be relevant to their conclusion. When you point out problems with their reasons and their conclusions, they say things like "Well, I have my reasons, and you have yours."

"I wanted Amelia to see that I could be nice like anyone else, so she would see I was not the contemptible fiend she probably has called me... That I liked her for her own special qualities, not because she was convenient or... That I could treat her just like everyone else."

"Yeah, but Zel... Amelia doesn't want you to _b_e like everyone else or for you to treat_ her_ like everyone else. She wants you to be special. To treat her special. If you want her to know that you _like_ her, then you're going about it in a strange way."

And if you are bold enough to say something like, "But your reasons are no good! That is what I have been trying to show you!" then they dismiss you with, "But they are _my _reasons!"

"Well, I had my reasons..." he muttered.

Yeah, even logical Zelgadiss was a mess when he dealt with this love thing. So, you can hardly fault me for my mistakes and follies.

"You'd hardly understand what I'm going through," he sniffed crossly and fell onto a bean bag chair, slumping demonstratively. "I am having trouble staying emotionally detached anymore, and yet, staying in love is excessively hard sometimes, too."

Oh, but I did know. I ignored his drama queen antics, which he had picked up from living with Xelloss all those years. My heart had been touched and the touch had been withdrawn and although 'in love' might not have been the right term for it, I was now feeling bereft of what I had shared with Val.

I settled in beside him and snuggled closer. "Life's... tough," I commiserated and rested my head on his shoulder.

He gave me a long look, "Somehow, I think you do understand..."

Thankfully, he kept his curiosity under wraps and his mouth shut. I didn't feel like sharing and I didn't want Dr. Zel, shrink-in-the-making-- just my pal.

When fall mercifully arrived, I could pour my heart into my graduate classes. I was 2 and one half years into grad school, if you could believe it! Filia and I drove into the university together occasionally when she took the odd night class. Considering how busy she was with her shop and Xelloss, it provided us with the longest conversations we held at that time. Amelia was going to graduate at the end of the year and go to some law school, so far unknown, next year, and so was studying all the time. I really must say that Zel was_ inabsentia_ until summer began that year, just as he had said. 

As soon as said summer began, the band celebrated over dinner before our two week break. Gourry and Sylphiel announced that they were to have another baby. We all drank to that, and then Amelia announced that she was accepted into law school, and moving to Sairaag over summer, where she had been granted an internship with her Uncle Christopher's law firm.

My eyes slid over to Zel, seated across the table from me and over one. Obviously that had some as news to Zel. His eyes were wide and his face frozen. He had been unusually solemn all night, and now this was a reaction of shock, clearly due to Amelia's news. While everyone else was congratulating Amelia, I was wondering why she had made such a point of wounding Zel, leaving him out of her 'loop'.

He took it hard, although it seemed only I noticed. He didn't speak a word at the table, and then swept off immediately when the bill was paid. Okay, that wasn't good. The band had gigs lined up and we needed him mentally intact—happy would be even better.

I turned on Amelia first and let her have a piece of my mind, "Amelia, I don't know why you chose to take a dig _specifically_ at Zel that way and at this time, but I think it was really uncalled for."

"But he hasn't called me in weeks... he obviously doesn't give a damn about me or what I'm doing!" she shouted tearfully.

I knew that wasn't true, having listened to him moan about her repeatedly. "I don't think you've tried very hard to speak to him."

She started to defend herself, but I waved her off and continued my tirade, "But something else has been eating away at him all night. I'm surprised that you hadn't noticed it right away. I guess you've become pretty caught up in your own affairs to care much about anybody else's!"

Okay, so I was on my own high-horse that night, but these friends of mine were just unable to communicate with one another! (Don't laugh!) I whirled away from her and stormed off looking for a ride over to Zel's. I couldn't get anyone else to stir out of their sated stupors for what seemed like hours in order to chase him down.

"Val, Gourry...somebody! Take me to Zel's place _now!_"

That got Val to move, barely making it past the cops as he ran an orange light (almost red.) But Zel wasn't there. Oddly enough, when I heard a buzzer, I found that it was their home phone hanging on the wall near the kitchen table. Val was outside wandering about, ostensively looking for Zelgadiss in the hot tub.

"Yeah, hello?" I answered it.

"Why, you're not Zelgadiss..."

"Got that straight."

"My apologies. I thought I was calling Mr. Greywords number."

"Ah, you got the house number right. This is Lina."

"Miss Inverse?" the voice sounded relieved, not the most common response I got. "This is Count D. How is...your friend?"

"Who, Zel? Fine...I guess, why?"

"I was concerned. After the death of such a dear companion, there is a grieving period, although the young man seemed unwilling..."

"Death? What are you talking about? Nobody's died!"

"Oh, my... well, to him, Beast was special, like family. Often dear pets are considered to be closer often than actual human members..."

"Beast! Are you telling me Zel's dog died? I just got back from a dinner party with him and the rest of the band and he didn't say a word about that. Whoa...what happened?"

The pet shop owner and all around strange person, Count D, briefly gave me the run down on the old dog's illness and demise. A quiet, painless passing of a very old dog, with the heart of a wolf.

"Ah, thanks, Count, for telling me all that. I'll give you Zel's cell phone number and you can try to catch him...wherever he is."

So, Zelgadiss took off traveling alone. Zel just took off for two weeks without telling any of us. It made me kinda mad that he didn't think he could share his feelings with the best friends he had, but then...that was Zel. I wasn't sharing a large part of my life with him or any of the others either, so I understood. However, that left it to me to tell everyone about Beast, and, man, Amelia was crushed when she found out how deeply she must have damaged Zel's already raw feelings. Maybe this would mark the undoing of their relationship. Not that I wanted that particularly, but, frankly, I could see that I needed to spend more time dealing with what was happening in my life.

Val and I worked apart at the badlands, meeting for an occasional meal and tense nights back at the cabin. Half the time we stayed over at the spa, where the creature comforts were better and where we were each afforded more privacy. It was a two week period of time I'd rather forget now, since it mars my other memories of fun out there. 

I don't recall when the Slayers all got back together that summer. It was probably for a string of gigs, and then as soon as it had started, it was over; the summer, I meant, but also my 'almost a thing' with Val...

I went out a few times with admirers from the university and a couple fans, but I found the fan-date-events to be lame in the extreme. They rarely had the money to spend on a decent dinner and 'fixing something at my place' always meant (I came to learn) 'in bed.' The school chums were okay, but they didn't understand that I didn't want to sing for them or tell Slayers stories. I couldn't get close to anyone. If I was such a 'catch', why was I striking out all the time? Why were all the guys I met such losers? Well, maybe not losers exactly, but no one compared to Val, and I hated to admit that he had been a failure of mine, because now I missed him so much I couldn't get past it.

'Come on _love_, come on _in_... come on,_ let_ my life _begin_!'

Xelloss' little tunes and songs rattled about in my mind at the least opportune times, but they were often apropos to the situation.

Fall...that year...I have nearly no recollections...Oh, yeah, _that_ fall. Okay. Zel was in for his last year of medical school and I was working on my doctoral thesis and my story, which I had started the year before. Val, Nahga, and I met weekly to go over the last details for their 'pre-opener'. We had agreed that the Monument, Temple, and a portion of the spa and its town would be fully functional by spring, but that a few shake-down events would help train the staff and test the operation plans. We decided to invite everybody and their families out after the Solstice events that winter. We, or they...Val and Nahga, would throw a big party over that first weekend featuring a trail-breaking, spa-alapaloosa! Together we drew up the guest list and supply list to accommodate a crowd. 

I reminded Nahga that, "My involvement is a secret and not to be disclosed for any reason."

"I don't get it. Why? You've worked your butt off out there. It's something to be proud of, Lina. My gods...you're not ashamed of doing good are ya?"

"It's nothing like that..."

"Oh, I get it. Val doesn't want to acknowledge..."

"It's got nothing to do with Val! No one needs to know how much time I spent out there. Just keep my name out of it. Okay!"

With an elaborate shrug, she said, "I see. It's_ all_ got to do with Val. You're afraid your little friends will think that you and him been sleeping together but that you couldn't keep him interested in you long enough to..."

Val, who had been on the phone and out of the room, chose now to reenter and come within earshot.

"Shuddup you little snake!" I shouted. "You don't know anything about what's been or not been going on so just shut your mouth up about it!"

"Snake? You call me a snake, you little pooch! Yapping and snapping at my ankles like an annoying little bitch I'd like to kick..."

"Problem?" Val wanted to know.

"NO!" both Nahga and I shouted loud enough to make him step backwards.

"Shit! I don't need this. My work's done for the day." He stalked off to his Suburban.

Nahga, unable to let it go, ran after him. "I get it now, Val! It's _you_ who doesn't want the_ other_ guys know that you're the one to get stuck with Little Lina Spells Trouble. Hey, I don't blame ya for tryin' to cover that up! Ha, ha, ha, hoooooooo..."

He must have said something to her 'cause she shut up, but he didn't deny what she'd said. Could that actually have been the truth? Did he consider himself 'stuck' with having to play 'caretaker boyfriend' with me while the other guys I'd rejected got to build real relationships? That idea was disconcerting, no, _staggering_, to say the least! He hadn't really been falling for me after all. He had been taking care of me, distracting me. Talk about a cold slap in the face! But then, after all, that's what I had kept saying I wanted, right? No commitment, nothing steady, just a pal for fun. But that wasn't how it was; things were changing, weren't they? Well, at least for me. I thought they were.

My heart cracked.

Just a little. But before my sorrows could start leaking out all over and making a mess of things, I staunched my feelings with a loaf of bread and pound of cheese. But what I needed was a trauma center! Who could I turn to? Then it occurred to me: I had no one I could tell. It was a humbling experience, I gotta say. The musical was about six years in the past and I was questioning my goals in life big time.

Invitations were sent out and that winter break, between gigs and various Solstice activities, Val and Nahga hosted the Limited Invitational Ancient Clan Monument Park Grand Opening. We relaxed and got healthy at Nahga's spa and toured Val's monument to his lost family and clan. Zelgadiss and Amelia hadn't been out to see it in process and so were both truly amazed, in spite of the sad fact that they seemed strained around one another. Gourry and Sylphiel had made that recent trip out there and should have been prepared for what they saw but still, they were stunned by the place nonetheless. Xelloss and Filia enjoyed every minute together. It was gratifying to know I had been a part of it all, and irksome that I was unable to bask in the glory of my achievement without revealing my involvement-- although, at the time, I was beginning to take issue with that resolve.

The last day, Val pulled me away from the breakfast table to take a walk. I could tell he had something on his mind. His face was clouded over, but he only grunted responses to my inquiries. When we reached his room, he opened the door and gestured for me to enter his masculine and richly decorated suite. I moved to stand by the window, where I could admire the majestic view of the mountains and the soft gray-beiges of the winter landscape. As wonderful as the accommodations were, however, I was missing the warmth of our humble, cabin abode.

"So, what's up?" I asked. _Might as well get it over with._

He blew me away with his answer.

"Summer was shit. So was fall and winter's gettin' worse. I'm goin' away."

I agreed about the summer, but, "Huh?"

He snorted, "Yeah, well, you know how ta get in touch with me." He pulled out his cell phone, and then returned it to his pocket.

_Going away? What did he mean by that?_ The meaning of his words only then sinking in. "_Find_ you? _Where_ are you going?"

"Thought I'd do some traveling to think things over."

"Things?"

"Life things, Li. Personal stuff."

"I'd go too, but there's school..."

"Yeah, sure. Maybe I'll find myself."

But I was more worried that he might find someone else. I saw this as my chance to get back something I was certain to lose if I said nothing.

"Spring break. Maybe between band stuff we can do something together, okay?" I suggested.

"Yer not worried 'bout what the _other's_ would think?"

"What other's? Oh, the band. Heh, heh, well, we don't haveta tell them, right?"

He shook his head an expression of bitterness marring his mouth, "That's how it is. Yeah, well, I need some workin' room too, ya know? Li...I...gotta be goin'."

And he left immediately without another word to me. Why hadn't I just told him that I liked him? Maybe it was love, I didn't know, but I could have _said_ that too. Why? Why was it so hard for me? Why was I allowing what OTHERS might think cloud my decisions? Why was I so dumb?

Well, to be truthful, I was scared. Scared that it all might be just superficial, scared of his rejection, scared of dropping all my defenses.

And I just really plain hated scared. I had always been able to take care of myself, but damn if it wasn't getting more complicated growing up.

In spring, Zel announced his plans to take his medical residency in Sairaag. Then right after that or before, I forget which, he called to tell me that he had just successfully delivered Duran, Gourry's second child. I told him I was exceedingly proud of him, and I was, but I think that freaked him out. 

Around that same time, Val called (from parts unknown) to inform me that a tree had fallen on 'our' cabin during the last winter's storm, totally destroying it. He didn't figure he'd rebuild it, unless...

I just said something detached like, "Oh...well whatever. The places over at the spa are more comfortable, that's for sure."

But I missed the point; I didn't understand. He wanted me to say that the cabin mattered to me because of the good times we'd shared there, and then he would take care of everything and rebuild it. The memories. He really was a soft hearted man deep inside. No wonder he put up that rough punk exterior to protect it! But I didn't get that at the time. Not until after the call was over and I realized that I had no idea how to contact him unless he answered his cell phone—which he didn't for weeks.

So, we left it at that.

Xelloss became a more frequent visitor, meeting me on campus, and then taking me out to dinner or to dance or just to stroll through a park. I guessed he had gotten tired of waiting for me to be the one to approach and talk to him. He was feigning light-hearted at our meetings about as well as I; two troubled spirits dancing around their problems. I wanted to know if his interest in Filia was waning, but I was afraid to ask. (Afraid to know that it wasn't?) I knew that Filia was concerned about what might become of them if he was unable to join her clan, ever. She was thinking that he might turn despondent when he really came to terms of not having a 'normal' family with kids...and all. So, was he losing_ interest_ in Filia? He was an easy man to get to like, that was for sure.

My sister had once warned me about what a 'hunk' Xelloss would turn into. At the time, he was an effeminate, irritant with great hair, terrific drumming prowess, and some gods-awful problems, so I didn't see it. Well, Xelloss had finally grown into his strong, debonair personality. That I noticed him in that light now wasn't so very odd. I was parched from neglect. I sopped up all his attention like a thirsty sponge.

By the time summer came, we had a few gigs to work out after our break. I talked to Amelia about a few of the band things, but it was clear to me that she had more on her mind than the band. She was hoping that she would be able to repair her friendship with Zelgadiss. She still loved him, she thought, but they had had so little time together during the previous year. I wished her luck, shored up her self-esteem a bit, gave her a kick-start in the right direction, you might say. I helped her lots, although I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I wasn't having much luck with my love-life. It might have helped me to share what I was going through with my closest friend (or Filia for that matter) who was suffering too, but I couldn't. I didn't want to appear weak and vulnerable. 

At the same time, Val as distant as ever. I knew he was seeing another lady out at one of the adjoining Cephied settlements, since I wasn't around, and I didn't like the feeling it gave me. He never called to ask me out to the desert over the break, like he had previously.

Okay, so I made the decision that I had been mulling over my problems long enough. Time to pull myself together! I would go do what I wanted, concentrate on having fun, and continue my work with the folks out at the preserve, in that order. No more pessimism for me! And, without Val to distract me, I could do just that. I hitched a ride out with Zolf and Nahga, with anticipation and optimism in my heart...but I didn't run into Val at any time during my stay.

However, summer would be fine. Just fine.

In fact, the summer was_ so_ boring and everyone was _so_ detached, that I was impatient for the fall to start and raring to go when it did.

* * *

"**Sex is the one thing you cannot really swindle; and it is the cause of the worst swindling of all, emotional swindling."—D.H.Lawence**

Which brings me to the next part of my story...

Joey stopped by my house one evening to remind me on that he was graduating from high school at the end of the year. I suggested that he apply to Seyruun University, which he did. He had impressive grades and excellent test scores. I had no doubt he would be admitted. It was a nice visit. He was an exceedingly handsome guy, a lady-killer Gourry told me, and not always a very nice one using his Slayers act to score chicks. Considering that no one else was giving me the time of day, I thought he was sweet and told him to stop by anytime, which he didn't.

I aced my orals and finished my thesis paper. I was now Doctor Lina Inverse...not the medical kind, as Zel reminded me every time I mentioned my new title. Then, to my supreme delight and exultation, I was called into the Humanities Department chairman's office and told that I was being considered for the only available teaching job, if I was interested. Was I ever!

The first person I called was Zel, then Xelloss, and then...I called Val to share my good news.

"That's great, Li. Wanna celebrate someplace?"

I was astounded by how quickly my brain went from zero to sixty, "Yeah, just you and me, right? Can it be this new place that opened up at the edge of town? A fish place with all-you-can-eat shrimp!"

I was delighted when I heard his rough-sounding chuckle, "Yeah, sure, _Doc-tar_ Li. Whatever suits yer pleasure."

I gave him a time and place to meet me at the university and hung up, my heart pounding hard enough to crack crab legs...er...my ribs.

Now, prior to all this, I had decided to celebrate with a trip out to Zephillia to see my aunt. The great grape pressing would be in full swing with lots of fun to distract me. Trouble was, I didn't want to go alone. What I needed was a gorgeous man to grace my presence. Gourry and Zel, I knew, had their hands full. Xelloss was uncertain of his timetable, but he 'would try and stop in if he had the chance.' Yeah, well, he wasn't my first choice anyway. Who I really wanted to invite was Val, but I had been afraid to ask.

So, after that tentative phone call to Val, I pounded out an e-mail. That way, he could think about it first and have time to think up a good excuse not to be able to come, you know, so he could opt out of going with me gracefully, if he wanted. I was that insecure. Me, Lina Inverse...no... me, Doctor Lina Inverse Uncertainty Supreme!

I was schmoozing with a gang of writer friends in the late afternoon on the last day of classes, waiting for Val to show. _He had to at least show up, didn't he? At least for the dinner!_

I felt my stomach tightening with worry as every second ticked by. Then, I heard someone clear his throat and faint undercurrent of unease ripple through the crowd. My eyes swept the environs warily and locked on Val off to my blindside.

"Hey!" I called out and greeted him with a pleasant smile. Why not? He was damned good-looking, but also off-putting from the standpoint of my nerdier groupies. Relief was surely evident in my expression, as I added lightly, "Just the man I was thinking about. Got a minute?"

"Sure," he nodded, blew out a puff of smoke, and waited for me to head his way to a more private setting. Smoking indicated nerves on his part which could be good, or bad.

"I got yer e-mail, 'bout Zephillia, 'bout _stayin_g there." Val spoke in a low voice without looking at me, while I watched him steadily. "I don't know...it's not what I thought I might be doin'."

I sighed, waiting until Val's eyes were on me to answer, "I told you that I was flexible about plans." _Gods, he has plans with another girl..._

"Yeah, I know but...I dunno, I just...I'm uncomfortable, I guess, and I didn't think I would be." Val watched as a couple passed by, then slipped further into the empty classroom.

I nodded once. "Yeah, well. We can just go out to dinner, see how it goes then...maybe... stay...longer, eh?" I knew I sounded as needy as Xelloss had countless times to me, and for a split second, I felt a special kinship with him.

Val closed his eyes, "What would yer aunt say?"

_My aunt? _"Oh, her. She said she'd be too busy to notice me for the next few weeks, what with the work at the winery and all."

Val shrugged.

"What's she supposed to say? I mean, she doesn't really care what I'm up to anymore. She's got her own problems with the grape crush and considers me an adult now." _And what has that got to do with your decision to come anyway?_—I wanted to ask but didn't.

Val didn't seem to hear me, so I tapped his shoulder, "Don't do that, Val."

Val frowned but his eyes were back on my face, "What?"

"Tune me out." I was not good at playing disinterested, not as good as Val.

Val snorted, "Not hardly. I just don't wanna piss you off, yanno? And I don't know... about bein' atcher place. I don't feel right 'round yer aunt. I mean, I don't want her to get the wrong idea."

"Yeah," I said as I studied my friend. "What's the problem, exactly, anyway?"

"I dunno, just...feels funny sometimes. I can't explain it. Maybe it wouldn't be so weird if I hadn't met her before, if she didn't know me. Just, yanno..." Then it was as if a shroud lifted from his face and he lightened up, "Listen, what if I stayed at your place for dinner and maybe one night, see how that works? I'd probably be in your way," Val winked at me, "Or more likely you'd be in _my_ way."

I chuckled, "Yeah, maybe. And maybe we don't need to play those games. Who knows, we might discover something important that we've known all along. The sooner the better." I threw all caution to the wind.

Val tossed his cigarette down and leaned back against the wall, looking directly at me, "So...what about I spend _tonight_ over there and we find out?"

I nodded, "Fine, not a problem. If you want to wait until after this writer's workshop meeting. We can swing by your old place and you can pick up some stuff."

Val grinned, "Hey, maybe you should bring a _date_ to yer meetin'?"

I laughed, "Who, _you?_"

"I am a college gra-du-ate." Val pretended to look offended, "You could do a lot worse."

I raised an eyebrow, "Somehow I don't think Professor Podbat is ready to meet a smartass with a dozen holes in his face, even if he is a hotshot musician _and_ a college_ gra-du-ate_."

"Seven, its seven, not twelve," Val corrected.

"Whatever. I don't think you'd be her idea of a good influence on her star protégé. She seems pretty much a fan of the clean-cut upstanding citizen thing," I said.

I didn't want to offend him now, and I could see that what I'd been saying could be taken as a refusal to be seen in his company in public, so I added hastily, "Which means, it's time she had a rude awaking, right?"

I was rewarded with an evil smile, "Yeah, I didn't think you'd let someone else do yer thinkin' for you. Let's go."

And that's how Val ended up staying out at my aunt's place with me for all two weeks of fall break. And that's why, when Xelloss unpredictably and miraculously showed up, things were strained at first. I remembered inviting him the moment he popped in, but I had totally pushed it aside until that moment.

"Hello!" Xelloss smiled and waved. His smiled faltered a moment later.

"What the f are you doin' here?" Val was pissed. He nearly scorched Xelloss to toast with his blazing gaze.

"Lina invited me," Xelloss looked askance at me for support.

"That's right," I broke in, hoping to settle things before a fight started. "Just to keep me company, right Xelloss? But, I thought you couldn't make it."

"I wasn't sure if I could, but I finished up sooner than anticipated..."

"You invited him, _before_ me?" Val's hurt feelings combined with his resentment of Xelloss' momentous appearance, creating a combustible fury of great magnitude, which flared proportionately to incorporate me in his swath of wrath.

"Val, you got that wrong," I began. (But not too wrong...)

About this time, Xelloss figured out what was going on. He was always pretty adept at reading other people's emotions and experienced in the ways of love, not to mention he had roomed with Val for some years.

A grin spread across Xelloss' face. "You two are a couple," Xelloss said, "...aren't you?"

"No," Val began.

"Yes," I said. "He and I well...it's been going on awhile..."

"Mostly off," Val growled.

"--Until recently," I amended.

Xelloss placed a hand on Val's shoulder, transferring a kind of supernatural calm over Val's countenance. Val deflated instantly.

"You have my admiration and my sympathies," Xelloss smiled and winked.

Bristling at his suggestion that I wasn't a cherished participant here, I put in, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Val interposed, "He don't mean nothin', just forget it, and so will I. Xel can have dinner with us and I bet you can find a place for him to sleep tonight-- in another part of the house, right?"

"You're sleeping together?" Xelloss asked Val in wonder.

"It's not like you think!" I said.

"I was thinking, eyes closed...mind dreaming...restful sleep. Oh, I see...you thought I was assuming that you guys were having sex!" Xelloss giggled jubilantly. "Oh, no, no, no, no, no...I never would suggest a thing like that. Not of you, Lina dearest."

My eyes narrowed defensively, "And why not? What's wrong with me?"

"You? Nothing, nothing at all. I just know that you're not into that kind of activity, let's just say."

"_Let's._..just say you've said enough," Val stepped in.

Xelloss raised his hands to ward us both off, like he put up a shield, and stepped back. "Hey, I just wasn't expecting this. I won't tell! Your secret is good with me, _whatever it is!_ You know that! If asked, I'll just say I ran into Lina, stayed the night _in another room_, and left. Okay?"

And that was what happened in Zephillia. With Xelloss, anyway. We all had a really good time together that evening and the next day too, visiting the different wineries and tasting. Xelloss knew when his welcome was wearing thin, though, and left soon after that, leaving Val and me one more night to ourselves.

Now this next part gets a bit personal so if you don't like to read lime-rated material, just skip past the two and one half pages or so... 

We had managed to collect a couple glasses and a bottle of wine before winding our way down the hallway toward our rooms. Val stopped outside his and pushed the door open with a toe. "Comin'?"

I followed slowly, then finding a chair covered in his discarded clothes from yesterday, fell into it and waited for what was to come.

"Wanna come to bed...here with me...tonight?" he asked in a soft, low voice. He placed the bottle and glasses on one end of a low dresser.

I felt a rush of excitement as I looked him over, as if for the first time. He wore metal in his lip, ear, nose and both eyebrows. His tight black tee shirt had I'm only wearing black until they come up with something darker' lettered in white across his pectorals. I realized that I was attached to the most enticing guy I'd ever seen in my life. _Now tell me, Zel (wherever you are with that Jedi-mind-reading trick of yours,) what are the mathematic odds of that_?-- I wondered, still too astonished to speak.

That arresting face was turned toward me, full lips currently pouting, skin kissed by the sun, sizzling, golden eyes smudged with gray eye shadow and lined in black like an Egyptian pharaoh (his latest affectation.) Tousled mint-green hair, just long enough to cover his eyebrows in places and lick against the edges of his broad shoulders and hands perched now on slim hips as he glared at me.

"Well? I asked you a fking question," he repeated.

I searched for a dictionary, thesaurus, _any_ handy lexicon, suddenly unable to identify my own native language as I just continued to stare dumbly.

Val hesitated, and then frowned. "This _is_ my bedroom," he went on in a calmer voice.

"Oh?" I said. _Brilliant, just brilliant. Now think of something else moronic to say. _

But sadly what came out was"Um?"_ Oh, great, let me die now, please, dear gods!_

No, it was my turn to be teased by the gods. And somehow, Val was fully cognizant of my imparity. Apparently he was even amused by it. He began smiling at me for some reason and leaned back against the edge of the dresser, his thighs spreading deliciously apart as he relaxed and continued to watch me a little uncertainly, as if he were trying to match my words to my mood or to my face. The guy's golden eyes were tantalizing, an intense mesmerizing shade like something you'd find in a roiling cauldron of chicken soup. I watched him as his expression slowly altered to a wicked smile that revealed relatively white, straight teeth. _Damn, damn, damn. _I was falling under a spell.

"You didn't answer me," he observed, eyes twinkling.

"Huh?" _Oh, just bury me now_. I coughed and sat up a little, unable to hide my deepening blush as I noticed the effect (of what he was considering doing with me) on his body. A sharp image of Xelloss naked came to mind. I shoved it away, angered that he would intrude at such an important time. It did help me find my speech center in my brain, however.

"Um...okay. I can do that, sure. What the hey, ya know? Might as well give it a go, say what? Heh, heh..." I blustered in a rush of words. I felt my face warm with a new flush of embarrassment. _Geez... _

Val just laughed and walked lazily towards the chair I was still half sprawled in. He leaned down with a hand on either armrest and kissed me full on the lips, a slow leisurely kiss with just enough tongue action to shut back down whatever parts of my brain had managed to come online after the visual assault. He pulled back to survey the damage he'd wrought, searching my heated face and then smiled again.

"I sure like the tongue stud, ahh..." I gasped in clever turn of wit after my previous witlessness. I had tried to put it in a low voice just this side of downright sultry.

He stood and walked to the bed, then turned. My eyes followed him like iron filings on a magnet.

"Name's Val Agares," the idiot said with a wink and stretched to yank off his t-shirt. "You seem to have trouble rememberin' that."

_Yeah, sure, funny dude... _My eyes dropped to that chest, then lower as he began to unzip his jeans. I laughed at myself, sitting up in the chair and shaking my head. _Next thing you know I'll get that Cepheid-clan-type religion._

"Want me to turn out the light?" he asked.

I nodded. As much as I wanted to continue watching him, I was sure I'd make a run for the door in about twenty seconds unless the lights dimmed.

Val stood slowly, hand lingering on his belt buckle as he did, then walked to the switch at the door and flicked it off, leaving only the light from the bathroom to illuminate the room. He returned to the bed this time and stood silently for some minutes while I watched.

"Li?" Val voice sounded loud in the quiet of the room.

"Hmm?" I said without turning.

"You coming to bed?" His voice was soft.

He unloosened his belt and dropped his pants. I heard the soft rumpling of fabric as it hit the floor.

I sighed, "In a minute."

"Okay," Val sighed and stretched out under the covers.

It was just so much easier to talk in bed and I'd been looking forward to curling up next to him and having a conversation. That's how I knew I needed his friendship badly. Did I want to jeopardize it for a sexual encounter? What if I separated the two? He could be my friend and... we could fool around. Just keep the 'love you forever' tripe out of it. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. That's the kind of thing he'd understand. Could I do that? Val certainly seemed able to handle dispassionate affairs with other girls in the past, could he now with me? Was that what I wanted, though? I was confused. Val's presence was, as always, reassuring. He radiated a kind of casual authority and certainty. Val's face was impassive as he returned my gaze from across the darkened room.

I walked to the bed. I could hear Val's even breathing in the dimly lit room. I shrugged out of my shirt, added it to the floor pile, and looked down at Val's tousled head on the pillow.

"Nice..." he purred.

With that encouragement, I hooked my fingers in the waistband of my sweatpants, slid them down and off. As I folded them and put them on top of the t-shirt, Val's breathing grew louder and quicker. Wearing only underpants, I pulled up the edge of the covers and climbed into the bed carefully, trying not to jiggle Val. What was I afraid he'd do, bite? Fall apart? Who knows?

Val's body stirred beside me, "Mmm...Li?"

I could see his eyes glitter slightly in the moonlight. "Yeah?" I said nervously.

"You must be tired, babe. Want a backrub?" His smile was concealed in the darkness.

"Umm..." Somehow 'no' just wasn't coming out of my mouth.

Val chuckled and pushed himself up on his elbows. "That sounded suspiciously like a 'yes'."

I laughed quietly, "Yeah, well, I wouldn't mind a backrub, I guess."

"Not one of mine," Val corrected, rising up to kneel beside me. He patted my shoulder. "Be a good girl and roll over."

I laughed nervously again and followed the command, rolling over and putting my cheek down against the pillow. Val straddled my back, placed his hands on my neck and began kneading the tight muscles, digging his thumbs in to loosen the tension there. Man, that felt good. I moaned softly, it felt so good after the long day and Val's hands were strong.

I murmured into the pillow, "You should be a professional masseur; you have real talent in those fingers."

He worked his way down my spine, digging in and relaxing each muscle group in turn, then shook his head saying, "Nope. It's just for people I care about, my talent can't be bought."

"Mmm, just as well," I agreed against the pillow as he hit a particularly tight section in my lower back.

As I relaxed, I became more physically aware of the weight of Val's body on mine and I felt myself grow warm. He reached down to surreptitiously adjust 'things'. Friendship with Val, especially accompanied by this kind of proximity, was going to make my resolution to damp down my heart more difficult, I knew, but I had no intention of changing our relationship itself. Just my own emotional reaction to it. I could do this. It wasn't his fault that I was having difficulty, so why penalize him with some kind of dramatic scene or hysterical demand to alter our friendship? I just had to...gain control of myself.

I had that quick vision of Mr. Spock in the Vulcan desert. Detached. In control. _Ah...but hadn't Spock failed that training in stoicism? Damn._ I pushed that nagging thought away and concentrated on letting Val's hands soothe the stress in my body. Val's friendship wasn't something I wanted to jeopardize with jealous demands of fidelity. I really could do this. Val hit an especially sensitive spot and I groaned appreciatively. Val slid his hands a tiny bit further down and kneaded just above my butt.

"Mmmm...Val?" I muttered.

"Like that?" His hands stroked and massaged a little lower yet.

"Mmm-hmm. Don't stop...well...except..."

"It's dark, babe, but I can tell you're blushin'. You're lightin' up the room."

The pillow muffled my embarrassed laughter. "Yeah, well..." I murmured, stretching my legs apart to get more comfortable.

Val paused and then gently lay down across my back, nuzzling the back of my neck and murmuring, "Feeling better yet?"

I snickered. Then Val nipped my earlobe and I gasped at the unexpected rush of blood and feeling. The heat of Val's body touched mine from head to toe and I could feel his hardness against my thigh. He pushed down my underwear with his hand, and then used his foot to toss them off the bed. He groaned again, needy, and ground into me, "Li...na..."

And I simply gave in to it all. Gave in to both our impulses.

I should have drunk half that bottle of wine to deaden the occasion even more, maybe, because after it was over, I was disappointed. It hadn't felt great at all; it even hurt. Even into the next day, my back ached. I knew there had to be more to sex or no one would ever go through that again. Okay, so Val claimed he'd never had a 'first timer' before and may have been a little rough. I brushed him off, telling him not to dwell on it and I'd be fine and forget it and hoped he would.

Like that would happen.

When I got home, I immediately searched the internet for help. There had to be a thousand guides and helpful hints to having good sex; I only needed one. I read maybe ten and learned loads. Next time, use lubricant, touch him, take time... I had been too afraid. Afraid? Of what, some pain? What really was terrifying me, I didn't want to deal with. I took that thought, suppressed it, compressed it into a ball and crammed it into a little pocket of my subconscious labeled 'Later, baby!' The rest of what I learned, I stored it all away in my head like a training manual. I'd make a success of sex yet, if I ever had another chance.

Val was really disturbed too. He wanted more from me, that emotional link, but was certain I would never willingly give in. He wanted a new chapter in our book, but the themes were already in place. He felt bad because, while I was sticking to my character, my plotline in the story, his were changing. He had fought the notion of us being a devoted couple before, and had had to run away to avoid being reminded of how much he wanted the impossible.

I didn't know all that, of course, just like he didn't know how I was suffering in my own state of confusion. I was trying to fit in an outdated character description of my own making, and it was uncomfortable. I no longer wanted the same old 'just be friends' plotline, and was unsure how to alter it. Was it too far in the story to change things now? Didn't know, but I wasn't ready to start turning over the proverbial new leaf just yet. So, we kept to the same old storyline, twisted the ever-changing characters into their fixed forms, and forged ahead.

I visited him at his old place, the house he had once shared with Zel, Xelloss, and for a short time, even Gourry. It beat being alone in my place when Filia was with Xelloss so much. It beat being alone, period. We tip-toed around the 'do you love me?' issue and just enjoyed the feeling of togetherness. Um, and sex, too. We got better at doing that as well. The best part was the hot tub, but I sure as hell am not going to go into that now. Just use your imagination and you'll get the idea.

Problem was, well there were two problems actually. First, how deep did his feelings for me go, and how much longer could I deny how much he meant to me? I wasn't ready to risk everything with some big stupid admission when things weren't so bad as they were. The other problem hit hard and fast, like a sneaky curve ball.

* * *

"**I just want to be normally insane." –Marlon Brando**

Enter the chaos-kid to mess with everything. EVERYTHING! As if my life wasn't complicated enough at the moment! Don't get me wrong, I really like...well, okay, love Xelloss—then and now. I mean, in another universe out there I'm sure there's a Lina who falls in love with and marries _her_ Xelloss. But that is there and this is here and in this, my universe, with this Lina, her being me, and this Xelloss, the two were just not quite in sync, if you get my meaning. It's like we were really meant to work together to change the world, but love other people to change ourselves. Or something philosophical like that. Of course, that's not what I was thinking at the time; that was a conclusion arrived at after many years of reflection. So, back to the story...

Xelloss insinuated himself back into my life unrepentantly—twice. I think he started to mentally fall apart and used me to break his free-fall into insanity. The first time came after a call out of the blue from my old friend Tasuki (of singing Suzaku Seven notoriety). He desperately wanted to contact Xelloss. Nuriko was in critical condition at Atlas City Peace Health Hospital. He had been protecting Miaka from some rogue fans, when things turned ugly and a guy pulled a knife out and stabbed Nuriko in the back. By the time the other band members pulled him off, Nuriko was gushing blood.

"He was still alive, but..." Tasuki was too choked up to continue.

I promised to get Xelloss there ASAP and hung up. First I called Dr. Zel and left him a message, just in case he could help. Then I tried Xelloss. I had better luck, probably because my caller ID was more attractive to him than Tasuki's. Xelloss told me to meet him at the Seyruun airport in one hour and he'd take me to the hospital via helicopter, faster than ASAP.

Nuriko died surrounded by his closest friends. He had held on until Xelloss made it, smiled faintly, then sighed. Xelloss was beside himself with grief. He vowed to kill the man who had done this and I swear, he would have torn the man apart had he been able to reach him. Luckily for him, the assailant was locked in jail awaiting trial, and so safe from Xelloss' vengeance.

Nuriko's family wanted an immediate cremation and burial with a brief private ceremony. Xelloss, being a priest, was allowed to say a few words. I was allowed to attend under the pretense of being his wife. It was awful. Freezing rain, nasty wind, grim people, horrid, horrid, violent and unnecessary death! First Hokuto then Nuriko. Such a waste...

After that, Xelloss was terribly shaken. I called a cab to take us to a hotel, got us a room, and helped him out of his shoes and coat.

He stood and stared out a crack in the curtains, watching the rain. I rinsed out my mouth, stripped and climbed into the king-sized bed. And waited. I didn't expect to sleep. The last thing I remember seeing was Xelloss gazing out the window through the parted curtain. How long he stood there I had no idea. I may have felt the mattress move or not. Time must have passed but if you know how it is when you sleep lightly, it seems as if you never slept at all. I was aware of the body of a man at my side. Something about a man, the heat they generate, the scent, whatever. It was soothing. I became aware of his breathing, coming in spasms and jerks; Xelloss was crying.

I had to do something, so I turned and whispered, "Come here."

"Oh, Lina..." he wrapped me in his sadness.

There we lay for sometime. Not too long. I drew his face down to match mine and kissed him. He reacted with immediate passion. As if by kissing me he could reanimate his dead friend. It sure kindled the fires in me, and I reacted in kind. Kissing Xelloss is like no other man, no comparison. His gentleness and softness has no match. We lay like that for the longest time, just kissing. Then I touched his bare skin and he sighed, "Please?"

I helped him remove my clothing and let him love me. It was a form of healing for us both. Repressed passions were unleashed and we poured our hearts and souls into expressing our needs and desires. It was unreal in all aspects. He loved me thoroughly and completely and I loved him in return. It was a mutual breakdown.

And when we were spent and had no more energy to put into another lovemaking session, we lay enwrapped in each other's arms and slept. Not long, because our minds were not at rest. Our bodies were exhausted; they had given up their energies, but not our minds. We had to talk.

"I do love you, Lina."

"I know, and I love you too, but..."

His low chuckle cut me off. "But... Why is there always a 'but'? A 'however'? A 'still'... an 'and yet'... an 'on the other hand...'? Always a _clause_ ..."

He sighed and rolled onto his back. "I love you, but... I'm in love with Filia. You love me, but... you're in love with Val. I'm in love with Filia and she's in love with me, but I can't join her clan. She loves me, but she needs to be a part of her clan. We want to marry and have a family, but that can only happen...outside the clan and that would tear up her family and Filia..."

He turned his face away before turning back to say, 'You are in love with Val and he loves you, but you both can't see that in loving one another you don't lose yourself, you gain everything you need to find your true self. You love Val, but can't tell him for fear of his cheating then rejection. He loves you but is terrified of your denial and eventual dismissal. You both don't want to show weakness and need but you are weakening yourselves out of need for love. You are afraid of failure and so you fail, but..."

I held him tight enough to shut him up. He knew me too well and I didn't want to hear his truths. Xelloss understood love that was for sure. We had reached an understanding finally. WE were not meant to be together, but how were we to combat the forces driving us apart from our 'true' loves? And how were we to fight this...insurmountable force which seemed to inexorably propel us together on this collision path?

We parted company the next day, Xelloss dropping me at the airport to get my car.

"Take care," he said with a brotherly kiss to my nose.

"You too," I said. I truly wished him well.

The next unexpected visit came shortly thereafter. Xelloss just showed up at my house, professing love in the most artificial tone of voice. Articulating carefully practiced lines, repeating them from rote.

"Lina be mine...I've always wanted you...I know you love me. Tell me you feel the way you did back in Zephillia..."

I figured Xelloss had finally cracked and gone nuts. Nuriko's tragic death had sent him off the deep end. He was confusing Atlas City with Zephillia. Yes, that's when Filia walked in and saw him kiss me with more passion than necessary. She, admittedly with good reason, was mad...furious even and broke off with him right then and there. Mentally, anyway.

I started yelling and lashing out at him, "Why did you do a damned stupid thing like that? Pulling a stunt like that and ruining everything!"

He was tearing up. His eyes were full of feelings he couldn't verbalize. He looked like a man about to lose his contact with reality, which he had pretty much. I can't recall what I he said to me, it wasn't much and it made no sense, except for the last part. He drew me into one last hug and whispered into my ear so that only I could hear what he had to say, "Go to Val. Tell him. Do it now. Do not waste another second of your life... Let love fill your life. And...please...forgive me."

Then he left the house. He left behind a miserable, heartbroken girlfriend, his own wretched, bleeding heart, and the un-knowing tool he used to sever them, which was me, standing in the front room of my house wondering how love could make so many people so very, very unhappy.

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Nineteen.


	20. The Joey Thing

SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-10

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**Chapter Twenty: The Joey Thing **

**Warning note: This chapter does contain multiple sexual situations and frank sexual discussions. **

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."- Ambrose Bierce

* * *

... Sigh...

...Sigh...

So, like Zel told ya, I called him the minute I could to tell him about Xelloss and Filia's breakup, which didn't get any sort of movement out of him. I know he got my word about the death of Nuriko, too, even though he didn't return my call or leave me a message. Yeah, he was on rounds and too busy. We all got that.

I deleted Filia's e-mail, where she told me that she was quitting the band, thinking that she was simply over-reacting. She'd get over the break up. Xelloss would come clean and explain it was an insane plea for help or something. I couldn't quite believe this all was happening to me at the time, until some clan dude dropped by the house to pack and remove her belongings. I thought the place was empty before when she and Xelloss were tooting around most the time or she was working, but now it was just me knocking about a very big, hollow home.

I tried calling Xelloss to rationalize what happened with him. Yeah, who was the crazy one now? He would only respond in monosyllables.

"You have to go see Filia and fix this all up, Xelloss. The band will fall apart!"

"Oh, no, I can't do that."

"Oh yes you _can_, and you _will_. You have an apology to make and some explaining to do. If you just want to break off with Filia, then do it. But don't make me a part of it. Don't make it a band issue, got that?"

"Yes."

"Then you'll go see her and fix everything, right?"

"No...I can't..."

_Ad nausium_. You get the point. Xelloss was being impossible. I wondered if we needed to talk about what had happened in Atlas City, in view of more recent events. Gods, how I hated to open that can of worms...

"Xelloss, about Atlas City..."

But then he turned to me, smiled, wearing a serene and pleasant mask if I ever saw one, and then asked, "What might you mean, Lina? He is dead and buried. What more is there to say?"

_Yeah, Nuriko, huh, along with 'Xelloss in Love.' Nice euphemism, Xelloss. _"Right," I snapped off. I had plenty to chew over now.

And if that wasn't bad enough, Xelloss became worthless in the band. I'd yell and scream and practically have a tantrum during a practice (Well, actually I did have one or two and drove Val and Amelia out of the room.) and _still_ he'd just be half a person.

Finally one day, Xelloss just up and walked out of the practice room, dropping his drumsticks lackadaisically on the way.

Val infuriated me as well. He could have lent a hand, so to speak, on that particular day, but instead he pushed the blame on me...ME!

"Get off his back, will ya?" Val growled.

"He's messing up and it's his fault!" I insisted. "He's not even trying."

Val stepped closer, crossing his arms and frowning, "Tryin' ta do what? What do you expect him to do, huh? So, he tries to get it on with ya, his girlfriend walks in and sees it. Sure she'd be pissed. Sure she'd break up with him. Whaddya expect? You shouldn't be teasin' him like that... like you do."

"_Teasing _him? Teasing HIM! What are_ you _implying?" My hands fisted up ready to take my fight to the physical level, need be.

Gourry recognized a scraptastic fight about to come to blows when he heard one. "Guys, they need to talk. How 'bout we go see what ya got cookin' in in yer kitchen, eh Amelia?"

"I ain't _im-ply-in'_ anythin'. I know you two ..._**screwed **up_..and I don't mean that as in _a mistake_," he gave me a deadly stare full of only-just, leashed-in hostility.

"You know, you could be right about that, Gourry-dear. I could use something... water... anything... in another part of the grounds," Sylphiel agreed. "Amelia? What do you say?"

_What? How could Val have known about Atlas city?_ My blush surely must have given away my guilt.

"I'm sure there's something we can eat... something to avoid... Zelgadiss, you're coming too, aren't you?" Amelia hinted for him to leave the two people with major issues alone.

Val passed a deadly glare Zel's way.

"Fine," Zel said with a hasty lockup of his guitar case. He was curious as all get-out to know what we were talking about, but could tell when Val meant business and needed privacy.

Then Val turned his golden-eyed ire on me, full force, and said, choosing his words carefully, "He didn't _mean_ to tell me. I was pushing him for some answers—why he'd go and hurt Fil that way...using you to get at her. Then he started cryin' 'bout his dojo friend and how he wished it was him that had died and how he should have been there to watch his back...crazy stuff like that. I think he forgot who he was talkin' to and said more than he wanted. He didn't mention you by name, but I ain't dumb. I figured the rest out on my own."

Val didn't tell me that Xelloss had revealed to Val about how much I loved him, him being Val. Val just let it all hang out there to see what I would do. I of course did the only thing I knew how to do, I blew up!

"You're telling me I can't sleep with who I want to now? You! _You, _who can't go a week without finding new fan to lay! Like you're some standard of faithfulness! And besides, I was comforting him and he was in a mess and I wasn't too happy either and things just happened. We talked about it and decided that it was nice but not the start of anything important. A one time thing, not that that's any business of yours! I don't even know why I'm telling you any of this! It's not like we are...are...something special. I don't have to defend my actions to nobody! Nobody, I tell you!" I moved a step closer to punch his face in.

If only I'd kept my head and spoken from my heart. I could have told Val that Xelloss had helped me understand how my feelings were evolving. That, as strongly as I felt for Xelloss, it was time to admit that what I was going through was the growth of a new kind of love in my heart. That I was falling in love with Val.

He grabbed hold of both my wrists and met my furious eyes with his own. We remained poised like that a second or two, no one budging an inch, then Val set his jaw and narrowed his eyes.

"Don'tcha ever hit me, Li," he muttered between gritted teeth.

So, here was my chance, right? Time to pour out my innermost secrets and bare my soul. Right. Instead, I messed up astonishingly. I drove my fingernails into his hands.

"If that's how you want it, then fk you," Val spat, and pushed me away so hard, I banged my head into the wall behind me.

He left the practice after that. And although he continued to practice and come to gigs, he distanced himself from me. Val was no longer a part of my ever-shrinking social life.

...Sigh...

* * *

It was winter when Zel told me Xelloss had had a nervous breakdown and made me tell him about stuff. I couldn't bring myself to mention the Atlas City thing. I knew that had nothing to do with what was ailing Xelloss. He wasn't depressed over me, he was adrift over losing Filia. What I couldn't get was why he just didn't fix things up? Zel did help focus my thoughts more productively and together we came up with a plan to help Xelloss...not right then, but later. I was not in the mood to go hunt down and wrestle my sister for clan facts. I let Zel do that, if he could. She outweighed him by 40 pounds and several degrees of macho, I guessed

The notification that my Seyruun High Jinx story was accepted for publication barely mattered, all of a sudden. I went through the motions, signed the papers agreeing to publicize it when the time came to put the book out on sale. The hardest part was to get their consent for me choose the art for my book. I wanted a photo shoot of one of Val's sculptures for the front cover and Zel's black and white line drawings of the whole gang to be inserted and evenly distributed between the chapters. Someone must have done the pushing, because it wasn't me and an agreement with the publishers was made in my favor.

I had to get both Val and Zel to approve the rights to their art for the production. Now, Zel was no problem. He was too busy to care. He had Amelia look over the paperwork and he signed. Done deal.

Val. Well, I had to take him out to dinner and be kind, thoughtful, and appreciative of his company. And I was. He signed. I missed him so much it nearly drove me to say things that I should have, but didn't. We were at a juncture in our friendship. It could go either way: make up and deepen, or part ways. So we entered limbo. You know that inter-dimensional world where nothing changes fast, things just linger in a stasis just this side of 'in control'. Not a good place, but not so bad either. I blamed Xelloss, which was less painful than blaming myself. Besides, it was he who told Val about Atlas City, stirred things up, and sent my life spiraling out of my control...into chaos. Always chaos...

At the end of the school term was Joey's high school graduation party. Gourry and Sylphiel put it together. Their biggest concern was that Xelloss would not be allowed to come, and Joey had always admired him and wanted him present particularly. Zel summoned his own unique brand of cosmic energy and 'made it so', and Xelloss was set free for a day. Gods...Xelloss looked waif-like; his skin had a translucent quality making him appear definitely otherworldly that afternoon. Zel insisted that the man was fine, but I could tell that Xelloss was on the other side of real.

Sometime near the end of the party, came the 'discussion over the punch bowl' incident. Amelia misunderstood what Val had said to Xelloss, which appeared to make Xelloss disappear on us that way and escape our world. Val did not drive Xelloss off. Val was not mad or hurt or jealous or anything. He was concerned for Filia's welfare and her relationship with Xelloss. What Val recommended was for Xelloss to leave Seyruun and its environs, and go deal with the Volphied clan people.

"You," Val told him, "should be able to get a membership with _them_"-- a refreshing idea the rest of us hadn't come up with.

He also suggested strongly that Xelloss extricate himself from the syndicate completely in order to accomplish that and to legitimize his application for membership into a clan. Oh yeah, and he added that it would be beneficial to avoid contacting Filia, 'give Fil some space for awhile to think'. Ah, and I think he probably put in a word or two asking that Xelloss leave me alone in the future.

Val was warming up to me again, you see, not that I was aware of it though. After his temper had cooled off, he found his ardor hadn't. What I also didn't know was that he was being very watchful of _Joey's_ behavior toward me. I had no idea how possessive a creature Val could be, and how hard he fought not to be...for my sake. I _did_ want him to talk to me. Okay, well, more to hold me and kiss me again, but I didn't know how to break the ice.

The party ended as Zel already wrote. Xelloss snuck off to Spain or someplace. Meaning that by the time summer break arrived, Xelloss was gone from the band, Filia was gone from the band, Joey was Xelloss' replacement (except for the songs, I wouldn't give anyone those), and Nahga or Martina irregularly replaced Filia's role in the band. Oh yeah, the Slayers band met their gig obligations, but we were unable to do any recording. At all.

On the up side, I received a letter from my department head at the university. I had been rewarded a full professorship and, **_get this_**, a teaching job with only two weeks to prepare! I was far too busy organizing material for my class and I really missed the contribution of Xelloss and Filia, so I put the band on quietus. Then on top of all that, I was notified that my story was a book somewhere in the printing process. Someone had okayed the pre-production copies (With a law-office smell, it had to have been Amelia); someone had collected wonderfully written short compositions from each of the Slayers for a forward (a touch poetic so I figured Val was to blame.) Even a dedication had been written: _To my band, my friends forever. _A distinctly Zelgadiss touch. I would have done that, but someone (Zel again) had read my mind and done it all for me. Normally I would have been furious that someone had over-reached their bounds, but honestly, at the time I was relieved not to have had to make the decisions, and he knew it instinctively. Or someone else did and made him do it (most likely Gourry.)

...Sigh...

Fall came much too soon this time.

...Sigh...

* * *

When the Seyruun High Jinx Trilogy was published, we had a book signing party, which was widely publicized (Thanks, Xelloss, wherever and however you made that happen because even though you never admitted to doing it, I know you did because there was a hint of lavender on my personal invitation), and, so, caused fan-havoc supreme. Kids were waiting in lines for hours just to get one of our (the Slayers') signatures, mine in particular, of course.

One girl was particularly fidgety. She hated the wait, I could tell. She reminded me of myself a few years ago, waiting in those endless lines for college-related material. I kept my eye on her to see what she would come up with to move up the line faster than normal, because if I was right, and I usually still was about things like that, then she'd try something pretty quick. I noticed her whisper to the guy in front of her in line. He shook his head, but let her move ahead of him. She continued this and jumped to the front in no time flat.

"I boughta book and I want your name emblazoned across the whole thing. You are my hero and if I knew ya better, my mentor, but I don't so I just gotta leave it at hero. Yeah, you can sign that 'To Sammy, from Lina, your hero!" That she reeled off in a single breath.

I winked at Sammy. "You bet!" I scribbled away for a few minutes then handed her back her book.

She gave me a big grin, lingered long enough to read what I had written, and then said, "Cooooool!" and bounced away.

"There goes a brazen fan. What did you write?" Amelia asked at my elbow.

"Oh, what she asked, but I also told her how I admired her cheek. I once pulled a 'gotta pee bad' stunt like hers to get to the front of the line too. It worked for me. She must have confidence and daring to spare. She'll need it too," I added wistfully, then made a grab for the next book.

"Next! Hi!"

...Sigh...

* * *

The first day of teaching my first university composition class and who should be sitting front and center? Yep, I had Joey Gabriev in my class. It was kinda nice to have a friendly face greet me that day. After that, we frequently road to and from school together. Joey, he became a friend for me to talk to. There was a brief moment in time when I was taller than him _and_ he was out of diapers; maybe when I was 9 or 10. Not long, but it did happen. A day or two later, he grew and I didn't. We played soccer in his backyard, even before Gourry and I were friends. He had been a cute, smart kid and had recently passed through that trying, gangly, teenage-boy stage, to develop into an intelligent, gorgeous hunk of a guy. We talked lots. About everything.

"You don't know problems, Joey. You got girls drooling all over you 'cause yer so cute and in a great band. What more could a sharp, good-looking guy like you want, eh?" I asked on the drive from college to our street.

_Like me for gods'sakes!—_I sucked in my own drool. I was suddenly overcome with the incredible urge to lean over and kiss those delicious lips of his. I was trying to fight it, to forget it, but it was just sooo strong. I attempted to rationalize it all out in my mind. I tried to pretend that Mr. Tall-Blonde-and Talented here was just reminding me of some other guy I once fancied. But it didn't work. I wanted him, I couldn't stop wanting him. I couldn't stop staring, I couldn't stop thinking, and I couldn't stop wishing I was someone else, ANYONE else. I wanted to hold his slender body against mine, so fragile and smooth, and feel the beating of his heart as his body heat mixed with mine. Gods, I wanted him so bad I could TASTE it. But then I remembered who I was and who he was...and it dawned on me that these feelings were just a waste of my time.

Joey looked me right in the eye, his baby blues piercing straight through to my soul, causing me to get extremely uncomfortable. Geez he was hot! He seemed to get more attractive by the second, and he was actually turning me on. The mental images of him and me together got worse, and I pictured us kissing, rolling around on the bed, moaning softly and touching each other as we indulged in our young hunger. Was I glad this lust-thing hadn't struck me before I got my doctorate, or worse, in high school! I never would have been able to concentrate and get any work done. Once again, I sympathized with all my friends so encumbered and still able to survive...

"You think that just because people think I'm cute that I don't have any problems?" he ran his long, fingers through his straight pale hair, pushing the jaw-length bangs to the side.

"You've got your whole life laid out for you, Joey. People will line up and worship the ground you walk on. Even though folks look at me in that way (but currently, not the one I want to,) I'm not approachable or something. You don't know what it's like to feel this alone, to not have anybody love... the real you (meaning: not to have the one you want to love you, love you.) Do you know what it's like to have nothing but heartbreak to look forward to in the future?"

"Do you know what it's like to _break_ those hearts, Lina? Do you think I get a kick out of it? You tell me I don't know what it's like being lonely, well you have no idea. Do you know what it's like to have people stare at me all the time, to be on display everywhere I go? 'There's that cute Joey in the Slayers band!"

"People pass me notes, telling me they love me and want to be with me. I can't have one good friend without them suddenly saying they love me and can't live without me. And then when you try to tell them you just want to be friends, it's like they hate you for not feeling the same way. I lose my friends because they say they can't bare being around me if it's gonna be friends only. Some girls just throw themselves at me and I feel guilty because I don't like them that way. Guys get jealous and decide to hate me for no reason. Then they say they don't want me hanging around them because they're all afraid I'm gonna steal their girlfriends or something. Yeah, believe me, I know what loneliness is all about."

But not the heartbreak...

I harnessed my yearnings for him, realizing that it was mostly just misdirected. I was thankful Xelloss was far away. Joey was still a boy, but Xelloss was a very appealing man. And what he knew about sex was...impressive. I chuckled to myself, remembering a conversation a long time ago. Back when the band first played in the Zephillia wine festival. He had said, in jest, 'Now I've found something I can do well, and that I like doing!'

Thinking about it now, maybe he hadn't been joking. He should teach lessons in sex and loving. But, back to the story...

What I really wanted was not so easily had. I was craving, hungering, _starving_ for Val's attention again. But...I was so stupid. Why didn't I just call and make a date, and then walk up to him and say, 'Val, lets ...'? Let us _what_? Was it only a physical thing with Val, or more? I couldn't decide and so I did nothing. I repeat. I was _so_ stupid, just like what I accused all my friends of being at one time or the other.

Then Val ran into me after my class was over. He must have been lingering outside the room, waiting for me to finish my lecture. Joey brushed past him with a knowing smile, which Val didn't return.

"Val! How...really great it is to see you," I gushed like a schoolgirl. I am sure that all the kids exiting the room were snickering at us. It was no secret that he and I were in the famous Slayers band together.

"This all yours, huh?" Val asked, his eyes darting about the room's interior (looking for hidden competitors for my affections?)

"Yeah, it's goin' okay, too, I think."

"You'll do it right," he assured me. "Thought I'd stop in..."

"Do you have time for a ... coffee or something?"

"Yeah," he smiled slightly. "Especially the something."

The suggestive way he said that made my heart thump. I blushed. But at that moment, I knew this wasn't just some crazy feeling or jittery sensation. I was in love. Totally in love. Don't ask me how I knew, I just did. It felt so right. I was falling for his charms and his good looks and making him the object of my desires. I couldn't help it; he just had this exciting aura around him that seeped out of his every pour. He was beyond appealing, he was just sooo sexy and...if only I had the words to tell him. If only I could be with him in the most intimate ways. My heart hurt, my head hurt, I didn't know what to do.

"I haven't had nothin' to eat yet, so let's make it a pizza place, 'kay?" he clarified.

_Oh...that kind of something..._ My blush deepened as I understood how I had mistaken his tone for a come-on. _Geez..._

Later on he confessed that it had been purposeful. He was testing the water to see if it was _con-du-civ_e, as in _favorable_. I guess that my blush had given him the right signal; that is, that I was interested.

...Sigh...

* * *

The next two weeks of school were a harsh combination of pleasure and pain. A billion emotions ran through me every day. Trying to be a close friend, but not too close. Trying to make him happy but not too happy. Showing him I cared, but not how MUCH I cared. I played tug of war with my feelings, and on some occasions I thought that maybe I was getting better.

But then Val would brush his hair out of his eyes, or throw an arm around my shoulder, or his leg would brush mine under the table, and I'd be in love all over again. I couldn't stop it; it just grew and grew until I literally had to ignore him to keep from hugging and kissing him right in the middle of the coffee shop. I found my eyes glazing over when he talked, watching his lips form every word, and I'd remember how much he hated that 'clingy, demanding' thing. So I would try to concentrate harder and pay attention, but it would be less than a minute before I was in dreamland again. He was soooo dreamy. He just had one of those faces I never got tired of looking at. Yes, Doctor Inverse was a basket case.

My heart went out to him every minute of the day, and it hurt me so much to hold it back from him. But I knew he didn't want to hear it, so I locked it away deep inside where hopefully he would never find it. He didn't want a committed relationship and that was that. If I said how I felt, I would chase him away for real. But it was like the Tell Tale Heart, because the longer I lived with it, the more paranoid I got. It was like he could see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice, and I began to withdraw from him little by little to try and get some control over it all. But the more I pulled back, the harder he tried to get closer to me, and it was just too much for me to handle.

But while Val and I continued seeing one another, just little things like lunch or coffee, public situations, I also was doing similar things with Joey. Although he didn't mention it to me, Val was not happy with the 'Joey thing' as Gourry called it. No one was. I thought Joey might have a crush on me. He once had when we were much younger, Gourry's mom had divulged, mostly to get me to dump him gently, I supposed. Well, I guess he still did since Gourry was getting...uncomfortable... with me picking his brother up and bringing him home each day and...going places and being seen with him.

"He's just a kid, Lina," Gourry would say.

Well, I had news for everybody: _Joey weren't no kid no more!_

Then one day 'things came to a head'. Val drove over to 'see' Joey at his house and have an exchange of words with him. He didn't know I was there. I was in the bathroom at the time, but when I heard Val's familiar, distinctive voice, I snuck around the corner and eves' dropped. I could see Val was standing close to Joey, nearly nose to nose. He didn't look so imposing next to Joey anymore, now that the kid was just-turned nineteen and looking...well...manly.

"You datin' Lina?"

Joey shrugged, "Sort of. Mainly Katie...and Charlene, I think."

Val coughed on his cigarette. "But, Lina, right?"

Joey nodded, "Yeah, it was her idea, really. You know Lina, when she wants something..."

It was Val's turn to blush. Joey looked on as if fascinated, as the tough punk and band keyboardist, colored deeper while we both watched.

"Yeah, I know," Val admitted, dropping his eyes.

_Wow, Joey intimidated Val! _

Joey straightened some, but said nothing. He watched Val regain control of blood vessels; his face fading back to the sun-washed tan he'd worn before. Joey touched Val's arm lightly.

Val looked up.

"So...you and Lina...?" Joey asked.

Val flushed and Joey held up a hand, trying not to smile.

"Friends, I mean_ just_ friends, still," Joey clarified. "So, it's okay if I wanna invite her over to stay here...some night?"

_Huh! Where was this kid getting' off asking Val for permission to...what...sleep with me?_ I nearly growled aloud.

"Leave her alone. Stay out of my way and... just leave Lina alone!" Val roared.

Not this again!

Tell me if you've heard this part before.

My part: "Who are you to tell him to leave me alone, huh? If I wanna be left alone, I'll do the telling. Get that!"

"Oh yeah, I got that. Now you get this," and Val launched into a tirade on why an 'inexperienced woman of a certain age' should stay a Val's-arm-length away from young gigolos. Not in those words precisely.

"The hell..." I began.

"Okay, well Li. Just do what you want, what you want, with whatever fing dude you want. 'S'not my business. I got me my own entertainment." Val brushed an arm quickly across his face, muttering, "I can't deal with this any longer!" and then stormed out.

...Sigh...

* * *

"**It looks wrong and it sounds wrong, but its right." -- Ralph Vaughan William, on a passage from his 4th symphony**

...Sigh...

A few days later, Joey lingered after class, waiting for everyone else to leave. I was standing, my back to the door, gazing out the window, as I frequently did. I think I was always looking for an escape route, or for a place to flee to whenever I was closeted in a room for long. When I heard him steal closer, I turned my head. He drew the pack of gum out of his pocket, held it out, and then pulled it back just as I reached for it.

"What?" I asked.

"Is it true? Do you really like Val?" Joey asked, critiquing my expression, I suppose.

I sighed, "For gods'sakes, Joey, give it a rest."

"It wouldn't kill you to like somebody, Lina," Joey said seriously. "Somebody _else,_" he emphasized.

I looked away. _That was uncalled for_. "Just gimme the gum."

Joey handed the pack over and watched me extract a piece, tear off the paper, and pop one into my mouth. I held the box out but Joey shook his head.

"Keep it. We still getting together tonight...as planned?"

Joey looked me over. I felt like my batteries were running low. Where had all my spark gone to? I had looked better, no question. What I needed was a diversion, a distraction or two. The poetry workshop thing sounded like a good one, setting up the new creative writing circle sounded like another. There was always the band reunion party to get working on, of course, if you could call that a distraction. Spending the night tonight was sounding better all the time. Maybe we could rent a movie. Something hilarious and insane. Marx brothers or Fight Club, maybe. Something I would know by heart.

I turned my eyes back to the view out the window. I continued to examine the ducks that waddled back and forth alongside the pond at the other end of the building. _Crud, _I thought, determined to reengage myself in the world.

"Yeah, sure. Later."

"Okay, see you later," Joey said, moving to go. "I'll pick you up about six for dinner and...plan to stay overnight, okay?"

I nodded absently, not looking.

"Zel gave me his old sports car, remember? Like he promised. We'll go for a little drive, if you want."

I may have nodded.

Joey sighed and left the building.

"Um, Doctor Inverse?"

I whirled around to see the most beautiful girl, the kind all the boys loved the instant they saw—tall, slim, curvy, and impossibly perfect. "What do you want?"

She must have known I instantly hated her. She smiled and handed me a note, at which point I recognized her to be one of my students. Damn. Had to be politely professional now...

"I'm a big fan of the band's," she said in a feathery-soft, lispy voice (something more to hate). "Um, Val's my favorite. Would you give that to him, please?"

The big watery eyes worked on the boys, but... "Sure, whatever."

"Thank you, professor. You are so cool!" she gushed and pranced away.

"Yeah, right."

I was left there holding this letter that was probably more than a love note in my hand; it was the end...of everything. No doubt, once Val found out that he got a note from the hottest girl on campus, and a big fan, he'd follow his standard routine and abandon me. And yet, it wouldn't make sense for me NOT to give it to him. I mean, maybe this was it, my freedom. Maybe I could pass it along and leave him behind knowing that he'd be happy. I could do that, I mean, what was I waiting for? I could never tell him how I felt, and I could never give as much of myself as I wanted to; he'd never want to relinquish his freedom for...me. So what was the big deal? I might as well set him free and detach myself from the whole fantasy before I ruined everything.

_Just repair our friendship,_ I sighed. And it hurt me to think of letting him go, but it was time I faced facts and realized that we just weren't meant to be. I was just wasting my time, and his.

I closed the door and sat at the desk, and even though it was against my better judgment, I read the note. I had to look.

It was quite thick, the folded pages, several pages spouting the most eloquent words professing her love. It was just beautiful. It's funny how a strange girl could so easily sum up every feeling I've ever had for Val in one letter. I couldn't have written it better myself. _If_ I could have written such a thing myself, I couldn't have done a better job. It was everything... it said everything I wanted to say to him myself.

Gods...I was handing him his next conquest and she was perfect. And down at the bottom it was signed 'The one you've been waiting for'. Kind of a cocky ending if you asked me, but I was sure he would fall for it. I mean she was the one ALL guys were waiting for, and since she didn't put her real name, I figured this meant that I'd be forced to pass on further notes and gauge reactions from my... friend. Play the middle man until it was risk free for the both of them, until they got together. Sigh, be strong Lina, this is what you want, right?

I was nervous, jealous, depressed, but I said I would deliver the note and I would. I wanted to toss the note out, but she was a student of mine. I said I'd do it and now I had to. But when? Next practice?

...Sigh...

* * *

I made it through dinner, then back to his house. At which point I had decided to let Joey seduce me, if he could. What the hey, right? There was nothing happening in my life worth saving myself for. Joey must not have felt my vibes, though. Joey kept going, as though he had waited his whole life to give this speech, to let it all out to someone who would listen for a change.

"I start to wonder if every friend I ever had was ever a friend at all. I look at people and try to have a meaningful conversation, and I see their eyes glaze over, and I know that they're not listening. Most people could care less what I have to say. They either hate my guts or are completely obsessed with me and I get tired of it. Half of them are usually too scared to talk to me, the other half just expect some sick sexual favor from me the second we meet. I'm tired of having older guys watch me in the mall, I'm tired of getting embarrassing compliments in front of everybody, I'm tired of losing friends because of how I look. I have feelings too you know. You were the first person who ever listened closely enough to me to get me."

"I was?" I said, actually starting to giggle a little

Joey saw me laughing and moved closer, making me even more nervous than I already was. "You see? You LISTEN to me. You're not just pawing me or staring at me like everybody else. That's why I like you so much, because for the first time in my life I've found somebody that makes me feel like I matter."

I was trying to smile for him, but his words made me feel sick. He saw me as such a good friend, as such a big difference from everyone else he had ever known...and here I was falling for him with every word he spoke. Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn't I turn it off? Here was this awesome, wonderful boy, pouring his heart and soul into me, and all I could do was think of how miraculous it would be to kiss him. It would help me forget Val...

He got down on his knees and came over to where I was sitting on the couch, and he held my hands in his.

"I'm REALLY happy to have you Lina. You're so special to me. It's strange, but I've never felt so close to anybody before in my life. I really like you, okay?"

That's when it happened, my thoughts turned from confusing and innocent, to sexual. I hadn't wanted at first to get past an image of a sweet kiss, but looking down at his blue eyes slightly hidden behind strands of white-blond hair, I pictured his beautiful nude lithe body on top of mine, glistening with a thin sheen of sweat. He was so unlike Val.

He was holding my hand...my hand! He was staring into my eyes without saying a word, and I thought to myself, all I would have to do is lean forward. Just a few inches. I started to wonder whether our entire friendship, everything that had been built between us, would be worth that one sweet kiss. Just a simple kiss, with lips so tender and soft...how could he hate someone who wanted him so much. Maybe he would understand, maybe he wouldn't mind.

We continued to look at each other and for a quick second I could have sworn I saw a spark of something in his eyes, a familiar shine that let me know he understood. I had been so head over heels in lust so suddenly, I didn't know what to do. I thought of how smooth and soft his hands were (not calloused from workouts, roughened by hard work, scarred by accident, or by cruelty), and I thought about how he must be an EXCELLENT kisser. I wanted to act, to say something, do something, I was right at the door all I had to do was open it.

"Bet you want to know what I'm thinking?" he smiled furtively.

I nodded, _You bet right. That was his sign to me..._

"Well...it's a secret!" he chuckled, no giggled, just like you-know-who from whom he'd picked up the stupid, annoying habit. The effect was like slamming that theoretical door in my face.

I blinked away the image of Xelloss' face. This was my 'sign'? Instantly, my senses got the better of me, my reason returned, and I pulled away from him.

"Thanks Joey. You're...you're a good friend. You can count on me."

We both stood up, and shared an awkward moment before he stuttered, "Sure...good friends."

Then there was a total mood shift. As if we changed dimensions or something.

"Look...um... So, I can see your mind is...not on us, or me at any rate this evening," Joey said.

"It'sssssss... my fault," I exhaled slowly as I said it, admitting it out loud.

"Okay," he said slowly, not certain what 'the what'was, but he figured he was smart enough to figure it out after he knew the, "How?"

I sank onto the couch again, with him leaning on the arm. "I invented him into something in my head. Something he wasn't interested in being."

Joey nodded, knowing that I was talking about Val now. "Didn't he tell you he loved you?"

"Did he?" I sighed, squeezing my eyes tight, admiring the red glow behind my eyelids. "I guess he did. Not in those words, but in his own subtle ways. He wants me to hang with, but he doesn't want a constant thing, a dependent, a steady, one single-choice girlfriend. He wants me to be faithful to him, but not the other way around. He needs to remain unattached. I know, I used to want that too, now...I'm not so sure anymore what it is I want. Look at him; you can see what he's like. You _know—double standard_."

I said all this, unsure if it was really true or not. As it was, I was part right and much wrong about Val. I opened an eye and rolled it around to look at Joey.

"Okay, maybe," he shrugged, squinting at a loose hangnail. "But I'm not crazy about Val. And I'm a little like him too."

I snorted at his conceit.

"I've had people fall in love with me, Lina. It's not great on the other end either. You know, they love you, but you feel...not _nothing_, but not **_that_**."

"I never _told_ him I loved him!" I raised my voice defensively. "I'm not really sure I do...exactly...I mean..." _Oh what's the use?_

I sighed and continued, "But he's that way because he's scared. You're not scared," I put that out hoping I had figured them both correctly.

He laughed, "I get scared, okay? I get scared that I'm gonna do to someone what Val's done to you. I'm careful, but when someone wants to be closer to you, they'll show you whatever cool front they can."

"Why is it such a big deal? Why don't you want more, Joey?"

"It's just not my thing. I don't believe in monogamy in general."

"Right, but do you believe in love?"

"I love a lot of people. But not like you mean. I don't agree with it. It

makes you crazy."

_Got that straight, but..._ "Sometimes it's good."

"Yeah, not often enough for me, Lina. And I never felt it like you do."

"**_If _**I do, ya mean." I thought about it a moment then asked him, "Really?"

"Hmm?"

"You never liked anyone?"

"Yeah, liked... not **_loved_**... thought they were hot... but not_ **in** love_."

"Never?" I sat up, raising myself onto my knees, staring at him.

"No, never."

"What do you do? When... if- if someone truly fell in love with the _real_ you?"

"Say **sorry**."

He slid down onto the floor, and leaned his head up against the edge of the couch, his arms resting on his drawn-up knees. "Break it off. Stop ...ah...sleeping with them...sex, ya know. But what I do has nothing to do with you and Val. Like I said, I don't want a relationship in general. Val's got other stuff going on."

"I just wanna stop thinking about him," I sighed. "I'm so tired. It almost makes me sick now."

"Relax. Think about something else."

"Relaxing makes it worse. Sometimes if I can sleep it's okay."

"You finding it hard to sleep?"

"I don't really sleep..." I didn't want to tell him I only slept when I hugged a Val plushie from a crazy puppet maker who lived in a tower—that was an age ago that my friends and I went there. I felt lame enough about keeping a Val plushie to sleep with, without telling perfect, indestructible Joey.

"Is it being alone in the house? You can crash here, you know that."

I shrugged, "Don't wanna bug you."

"You don't bug me," he tugged my hand and whispered, "Stay if you want."

"Will you tell me to leave if I start to get on your nerves?"

"Sure," he grinned. "If you say so..."

I hadn't had much experience with parental authorities, but from what I knew about the Gabrievs, they usually weren't big on having friends over all the time, eating their food, lying all over their house, blah blah. Especially girl-type friends of the boys...and especially me. I was used to taking care of myself, and didn't want to start relying on them too much, making a pain of myself. I mean, I wasn't a little kid anymore. I was supposed to be an adult and able to get past the low points of my life, right?

Reading my mind, or at least guessing at my hesitancy, he said, "They're all gone for the weekend. They took Alfie and Charlie and are visiting my sisters in Atlas City. So, we got the place to ourselves."

"Okay."

"Okay...yeah, I'll be in my room, should you need anything." Then Joey paused for a second before giving me a hug, his arms folding lovingly around my neck. It was one of those hugs that lasted a bit longer than necessary, and it felt like he was shaking. Then he backed up, looking for some kind of reaction from me, and when he didn't see one, he turned around to walk out. I felt like shit.

I slept in Gourry's old room, not with Joey, so you can get that picture out of your heads right now. But really, I hadn't actually been sleeping at all. I slipped out of bed, picked up my clothes from the floor by the bed, and started dragging them wearily over my body as I awkwardly headed for the door. I stopped briefly to pull my sneakers on by the front door, and then I stepped quietly out onto the front porch and pulled the door shut behind me.

The cool, damp air felt good against my skin. Goose bumps prickled up my arms. I wandered aimlessly out onto the road, staring up at the writhing fingers of fog. I started walking down the road, my head tilted back, breathing cold air into my throat, getting dizzy as I watched the sky crawl past. I didn't have much idea of where I wanted to go. It felt good to be out.

My feet scraped rhythmically across the cement for blocks. A pleasant thudding assaulted my knees as I walked down slight hill, still looking at the sky. There were few streetlights, but the moon glow was bright enough.

Lethargy was gradually seeping into my limbs. I walked to the place I once spent most of my waking hours trying to avoid: the old Seyruun High School. I sat on a bench out the front for a while, head still tilted back, breathing slowly, deeply. I felt a surreal calm.

Sitting made my neck ache, and I had to bend my head forward eventually, with a wince and a sharp intake of breath. I massaged it, keeping my head bent forward, but lifting my eyes to look around for the first time. I noticed the bell tower glowing in the moist haze, and thought about Zel and Xelloss.

_How did that tune go that Xelloss was always humming?_ "Something new's... got old; something warm's... grown cold..."

There was no future for me with Joey. It was as if Xelloss was with me (again), telling me something... Like he was watching me and trying to tell me, no... steer me onto a different path. But that wasn't possible, was it? Xelloss wasn't even in town. He wasn't on the same continent. I didn't even know if he was on our planet, mentally speaking. So, maybe if I closed my eyes and kept walking, then, when I opened them next, I would find my own true love—like at that shrine in Japan.

I sang his song softly, but it changed as I repeated the verse to: "Something old...is... grow-ing warm; something cold's...becom-ing new..."

Which led my thoughts back to Val. Back to Val... _Thanks, Xelloss...I get it now._

Shivering some, I set out walking again to get my blood moving. For an hour or more. When I focused on my surroundings, I realized that I was quite close to Val's house. I knew it, of course, but seeing it jolted me. Two blocks, I thought. Walk to the end of the street, turn left, walk two blocks. White house. Gum tree in the front yard. I stood restlessly, shifting my feet in that direction.

_I'll just look._

My fingers worked at my neck as I walked, this time watching the trees along the street determinedly. I counted. I knew how many before his. My legs weakened as I moved closer, trying to recall what day of the week it was, that Zel might be there. But he wasn't home, was he? The house seemed empty.

Maybe Val was at a girlfriend's. There were no lights on. There was no car in the drive; he wasn't likely to be home.

The gravel in the drive crunched under my feet, loudly. I winced at the noise, dropped my hand from my neck, slowed down. _I'm just looking,_ I thought.

I pushed open the unlocked wrought-iron gate and went around back. His back porch was made of tile and shale slabs, hard and quiet. I crept up the steps, and across towards the back door, feeling slightly detached from my actions. I didn't really know what I wanted, or why I was there. My body was humming with nerves and tiredness and cold; my eyes were dry and wide. My fingers slid over the wooden doorframe, and I rested my forehead against it. I wanted in. I wanted to lie on the couch where I last held Val naked. My other hand lifted and pulled the screen door open, resting against the wooden main door. I pressed it, my arm trembling. Of course, it didn't open. I was pressing a locked door.

My arm jerked back compulsively and the screen door snapped shut, hard. I jumped backwards looking around. I had been certain that no one was home.

Suddenly, I was certain they _were_.

My heart was beating erratically, when... Val appeared out of the mist. He called out softly, "Li? What are you doin' out here so late...?"

He had been in the hot tub, but now he greeted me with a towel wrapped casually around his waist and steam rising off his overheated body; quite a sight for my sleep-deprived eyes. He moved closer, right up beside me so that I could feel his warmth penetrate my frosted exterior. He rested his nose lightly against my cheek. It burned and I groaned and slid his face against mine. The feeling was insanity. My body wakened. My sleeping brain jerked. My mouth opened involuntarily, and I felt myself slipping back. I was becoming an open wound again.

One of his hands was gripping my arm; the other was sliding underneath my neck, cradling my head. He moved his head back, his lips scraping along my jaw towards my lips. A pained sound convulsively exited my throat as he covered my lips with his.

His hot tongue slid inside me. I felt the stabbing pain of desire slice from my chest to my groin. Even my thighs ached. My body strained backwards, arching up to meet his mouth. He teased my lips, withdrawing his tongue, nibbling on them, swiping his tongue possessively across them.

Desire stabbed and swelled in me.

"You are so sweet," he breathed against my swollen mouth, "Oh yeah... you taste so sweet."

I made a nonsense moan, a sound that matched my weak and muddled insides.

"I've missed you," he nibbled my lips again, little licks and bites.

_Gods!_ I had to pull away. I felt like I was trying to swim upwards through sludge. Then his mouth moved to my neck, nuzzling my head back away from my shoulder, exposing my flesh, feasting on it. I cried out, losing my restraint. My hand clutched convulsively at his head, pressing it against me, and I was lost.

"Yer freezin'. Come warm up in the hot tub. You'd like that, right?" he asked, gently leading me that way.

I notice the stiff object in my pocket, poking me in the arm as he puled me forward. Letter. I still had that damned thing with me. I knew it was time to give him the letter, and give away the love of my life. I was trembling uncontrollably, and I used the last few minutes to look upon his face for what may be the last time before he left me behind.

It took every bit of strength and courage that I had, but I gave it to him. I actually GAVE it to him! Not too bright, huh? I didn't want to see him read it. I practically threw him the letter and said, "Here...Here. Take it. It's for you."

He took the crumpled note and held it in his teeth. I was shivering uncontrollably, so he helped me out of my shoes and clothes, and then into that streaming cauldron of pleasure.

We kissed and touched and held each other for countless minutes. It was restorative. My mind re-engaged. It was then that I moved around to the other side of the hot tub, avoiding his disturbing intimate contact. What made me think that it was my turn to be happy for a change? All my friends had gone off and found their true loves, and at least had been happy _once._ It seemed everybody had had love dropped in their lap. But not me, I had to search and struggle to find love, and when I finally found it, it was for someone I could never have. I suppose life was meant to be cruel for some people.

He was trying to talk sensibly to me, "Li?"

"What? What, Val?"

"I asked how you felt...about me. That's why you came here. Why yer not with...him...tonight, right?"

_Was it?_ "Did you read the note?"

Val shook the water off a hand and delicately opened the note and read it completely. He smiled.

"Yeah?" I said, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Li, you've gotta move closer over here," he said.

He was obviously excited about the note, and I knew it would be torture to hear him talk about it. Great, now was my self-punishment to suffer through hearing him talk about his new love life and future sex life. Rubbing it in my face, reminding me what I gave up, and that I lost out for no other reason than I was too scared to open my mouth and say something when I had the chance. (Thanks Carol, for writing that letter. I'll remember you for this painful experience when the ten year reunion comes around and you've gained 100 pounds and grown a moustache.) I thought about making up an excuse, but I just couldn't say no to him that night.

"Okay...okay," I repeated, just as dull both times.

The look on his face was indescribable, so full of light, so full of joy. It only made him ten times more beautiful. "Li...I don't know what to do with myself! I'm speechless."

He was practically jumping up and down. It was almost funny seeing him so happy. I would have laughed, if I wasn't hurting so much.

"So you read the letter huh?"

"Yeah, it's cool. I'm really surprised! I'd never have had the guts to put it in a letter. Poem or somethin', maybe, but... I mean, I've been dreamin' about it for a long time now, but I never thought I had a chance in hell!"

Ha! The very thought of Val thinking he didn't have a chance in hell with ANYBODY was downright ridiculous. I mean Carol was bound to fall for him sooner or later. ALL the girls everywhere it seemed were. I guess that little note really made him happy, happier than I ever did anyway. I guessed it was time to cut my losses and move on, at least I knew he'd have someone.

Gods, he was so special to me. At least I recognized without a doubt what love _felt_ like.

"No chance? Of course you had a chance, you're one of the hottest guys in all Seyruun, you know that. Heh heh..." I spit out on the edge of hysteria.

"It did, it finally happened. Li...I just want you to know...that I feel EXACTLY the same way," Val said, his smile threatening to rip is face apart if it got any bigger.

Well, at least I knew he liked this Carol person, too, wherever he'd heard of her or met her somehow before. Like I said, he'd be happy. Maybe we'd still get together once in a while. Maybe they'd break up in a few weeks and he'd need a shoulder to cry on. I'd be here for him if he needed me. I'd always be there, pathetic little creature that I'd become.

"Good, I'm glad. I hope it all works out," I said, giving him all the false well wishes that I could muster.

It hurt, oh man did it hurt, but this was what he wanted and what I wanted for him. Yeah, great. Something to look back at twenty years from now when I might want to _remember_ what true love really felt like.

That's when something happened that let me know something wasn't quite connecting here.

Val hugged me tightly around the neck, saying, "It'll work out, Li, 'cause I've never loved anybody else this much. I love you too Li, more than anything. Thank you."

_He had even dropped the 'ing'; he had dropped all his act. This had to be for real. _Then, before my brain could continue to process what was going on, he loosened his grip and kissed me on the lips. He took me completely by surprise and I felt weak, helpless, breathless. I guess the shock got the better of me and I backed up, losing my balance and falling back against the side of the hot tub. I hit my head and slipped down beneath the water.

"Lina? Are you okay?" Val asked, half concerned, half grinning as he pulled me up.

I was just...I couldn't believe...my mind went completely blank. No words would come to the surface, some water spurted, but words, no emotions could be described, or explained. I just sat there, dripping, wondering if it was all real, or if I was going to wake up in a second and have to put my Val plushie up on the bookcase.

"Yeah (cough, cough), I'm fine."

Val looked down at me for a few moments while I regained my senses. "You know, I just told you I loved you too, you could look a little bit happier," he said jokingly.

I don't know what made me say it the way I did, or why I couldn't just let down my defenses and enjoy the kiss. I had been waiting for him to say those words, and the second I did, I screwed it up and nearly gave myself a concussion in the process. I had to tell him the truth, "Val...I didn't write the letter, some girl named Carol did."

"Yeah, right," he joked.

But I looked at him, and he saw the answer in my expression. His joy faded quickly, and I saw his face melt into a look of hurt that almost brought tears to my eyes. His smile was the first to go, then his eyes lost their youthful glow, then his shoulders dropped, then the rest of him transformed in sections to the sad figure that half-floated before me. He looked over again at the letter he'd left resting on the edge of the hot tub. The ink was smudged and blurring from the wet steam.

"You...you mean...you didn't write this? You're not...'The one I've been waitin' for'?"

There was so much hurt in his voice, so much shame and despair. I couldn't answer him; I could only shake my head.

"Oh...oh Gods...Lina...I'm so... shit, embarrassed. I...I...look, this didn't happen, okay. None of it, this never happened. I'm sorry. Just...just...forget about it."

When I looked up again, tears were welling in his sparkling amber eyes. He turned his back on me, attempting to hide his shame from me. But he was hurting, and the pain was showing through his front and back, inside and out.

I sloshed over to him in the tub and put my arms around him from behind. Why couldn't I say it? The mystery was gone, the risk was gone, the love was real, so why couldn't I just **_say the damn words_**? They choked me, refused to come out, they betrayed me and forced themselves downward to hide away in the dungeon where I had kept them locked up for oh so long. I needed a magic charm to disenchant my lips!

"Why? Why don't you want me?" Val's voice caught in his throat. He was fighting back a sob. "Oh damnit, Li, if you don't want me I'm not worth the air that I breathe."

I hugged him tighter, wishing I had the strength, wishing I could just say it, just once. I was crying just as harder than he was, and then, as if on reflex, I kissed him on the cheek.

"STOP IT!" he shouted, pulling away from me. "Don't you see, you're makin' it worse! I thought I was above all those others, better than they were. Falling for their best friend instead of appreciating what they had. But now I'm on the other side of it, and you know what? IT SUCKS! Now I know how much it hurts. Gods, I'm no better than they were. I couldn't help it Li, please believe me. It's just, you're so wonderful, you treated me like a real person and you listened to my problems. You were the first person I ever trusted. I just...I just couldn't..."

He hit the water with his fist sending a flood rushing out of the tub and repeated how sorry he was for everything, and it ripped a hole in my very being. But it didn't break the seal on my imprisoned lips! It didn't open the dungeon!

Then, out of nowhere, the magic box opened. It was as if someone had turned the enchanted key that opened the box—no, not just_ someone_, Xelloss. I pictured his face telling me what he knew I needed to hear, what he had told me back in Atlas City. The box opened and out rushed all these words to my lips, speeding up to the surface, stale from being held captive for such a long time. But it still wasn't easy to say. First I merely mouthed the words. Then they turned into a whisper, then a shy, low speech. But the spa's jets blasted on and Val couldn't hear me. Xelloss...always the trickster...

"Val!" I punched him.

"W-what?"

I pointed to the jet controls and he nodded. When the bubbles subsided, I stagger-spoke on.

"Er, ah...give me a moment. I want to get this right. I don't wanna haveta go back and say it again because I screwed something up. I just hope...I mean...I like you and everything and all but..." I was stalling and baulking stupidly.

"You came here, tonight...all this...to what? Reject me formally or somethun?" Val gasped incredulously.

"No! NO! No, sorry...no. I just don't know how to tell you...how much this means to me...how much you mean to me."

His eyes dilated I could feel his muscles in his legs and arms relax, so I hastily went on.

"Look, I like all the touching and kissing and all, but I want this to be more than just about that, 'kay? It is more that just that, right? I mean, for you too? It's more than just..."

"...Just physical attraction," he said at the same exact instant that I did.

I gasped, "Yeah. I don't want us to be about just... physical attraction. I want more from you, Val. That's all. I just needed to get that out in the open."

"Oh, yeah sure. And I want more than that... too," he said slowly.

There was something odd about his tone of voice. Caution, maybe? So the last time anybody said things like that to me, I got a lot a whole spiel out of them. (Think: Gourry's proposal or Xelloss way back then.) I gave Val that letter, which pretty much summed up how I felt about him. Of course, I hadn't written it, but it was close. Why wasn't he saying more? He wasn't one to hold back entirely. So, I asked, "Aren't you gonna tell me how you can give me anything I want and make me all kinds of promises?"

"Nah, I figure Xelloss and Gourry already tried that with you. If that's what you wanted, wealth or security, then you woulda settled for one of them at one time. No, if it's me that you want, and then here I am, when you want. And if you, don't, then there ain't nothin' I can say ta change that."

For all his profession of love, he didn't sound all that thrilled at the prospect all of the sudden. _Here we go again_, the reality setting in on us. I had the intense desire to have one of my friends walk up and interrupt the awkward conversation RIGHT NOW!

"You don't sound too happy about it," I pointed out.

"Should I be?" he asked daring me to admit my feelings for him.

"I-I don't know...exactly..." I looked him straight in the eye. Now was the time to level with him. "Xelloss unleashed this... passion, lets say, inside me that I needed...that I needed in order to feel complete and satisfied. I needed to be in love with my lover, he said. I almost had that with Xelloss, but not quite. I wanted it to be you, but you didn't seem to want me and I didn't want to share you with others."

"But, Lina, you said..."

"Oh, don't go throwing what I've said back at me. I've said a lot of stupid things over the years, all of them true at the time, maybe, but they don't hold true for me anymore. I... I..."

Val gripped my shoulders and leveled his killer stare at me, "Tell me."

That's when I felt myself floating so that I lay across him, my breasts pressing against his chest. I put my mouth right next to his ear and whispered the lovely words, their delightful sound getting easier and easier to say each time. "I love you, Val. More than anything. I love you, I love you, I love you... "

I kissed his smooth cheeks again, his warm, prickly skin being gently sucked into my mouth, and this time I took the time to enjoy it. I felt him relax even more, his head turning slightly to allow me to kiss more of his skin. It was at that point that I realized exactly what I was doing! I was kissing him! I was kissing the man I admitted to loving, and he was letting me! And he loved me too! Oh wow! I could feel him breathing under me. My heart raced, my head spun, and I was so close to having everything that I could ever want in life that it scared me. I was actually FRIGHTENED by it, the feelings that I had, the desire to completely give myself over to Val and become one with the man who had been slowly changing my life.

"I love you. I want you to love me for real and nobody else."

That made him moan out loud, and his arms stretched out in front of him as he arched his back and stretched underneath me. I felt his smooth body tense up, and my hands traveled down the subtle curves of his sides. While he was stretching, his body became tight and firm, yet still retaining that wiry 'green' quality, it was like having a cat stretch underneath me.

I whispered again, "I need you Val. Just say the words, please say you'll be mine, just mine."

Val moaned again, even louder. My voice was turning him on something fierce, and it made me feel so good to know I was arousing him beyond his wildest dreams. My body was numb with excitement, my mind was lost in the moment, and my heart...my heart found a new purpose, and it seemed to pick up an extra beat, just for him.

"Pleeeeaaase Val, say it. Say I can have you. I want you, I want you so bad." I knew it was driving him crazy, I knew he was insane with passion, and I wanted to fulfill his every fantasy. I wanted him to know my love was forever, and that his spectacular beauty, as well as the gentle side of his spirit and good natured personality, had never once gone unnoticed.

"That all?" He was only just audible.

"Yeah, and well, I'll love you and nobody else."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really"

"Okay, Li, ya convinced me. We'll do it your way..." he gave me a twisted smile and finished, "...since it happens to co-_in_-cide with _my_ way."

"Okay. Um...well, ah..."

"What now? Want me to sign somethin', to _commit_?"

"Well, yeah, sure," I smirked my prettiest smirk.

That startled him. His arms dropped.

"Where?"

"Here," I offered him my right arm.

"I ain't got no pen on me," he said cautiously, not being the gaming sort that evening.

"Use whatever's handy...like your tongue." _Get it now lover-boy?_

"My t-...? Oh," his smile returned.

He signed for hours, and then turned to Braille. He was conversant in several languages.

And as stupid as all this has sounded, and even I think it does and I wrote it, I have to say, I never sounded stupider than when I was in love. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Next time, I get to lend my hand at breaking up Xelloss' marriage, and mending two hearts into one. Now, doesn't that sound sweet? Tacky! We'll see about that!

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Twenty.


	21. Makeup, Breakup: Return to the Ten Year ...

- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-11

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

Chapter Twenty-one: Makeup, Breakup: Return to the Ten Year Reunion

**"There are some occasions when a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest."- Lord Chesterfield **

* * *

Well, that last chapter had to satisfy even Filia's requirements for romance, right? So, now I can move along with the story. Oh, I'll put plenty of the 'good' stuff in as well. Don'tcha worry! 

While Val and I now knew where we stood, which was pretty firm ground, we also understood where we fit into the lives of Filia and Xelloss. Xelloss, he knew, was still and forever would be, in my heart, just like I knew that Filia would always be special to Val. So strong were our feelings that we couldn't just go on with our lives, our romance, without Xelloss and Filia being happy and together as well. Zel and Amelia both were on the same track: save Filia and Xelloss.

"The only one who has any hope of getting through to Filia, is you, Val," I told him one day. "Luna's no help at all."

"Yeah, I'm not so sure she wants to see my face. Not if it reminds her of the band."

"But it will also take her back to some good times, right? It's possible? The two of you had your own little world out there at the settlement; maybe you should start with that. Draw her out. She's gotta need a friendly face sooner or later, and mine is not going to be acceptable."

So he agreed. I told Zel I could convince Val to help and he was relieved not to be the one to do the convincing, heh, heh. I wasn't sure, though, that he wasn't beginning to read something into my improved attitude and eagerness to be the Val-go-between. I was going to miss Val terribly, but I was secure in his love for me. He just said he'd be faithful, and I believed him.

"I'll give it a week and if Fil's comin' 'round, I'll stay, if not, then...well...I'll give ya a call."

A kiss promising his quick return, and Val was off on his crusade to return Filia to the Slayers fold. Luckily, he made progress. I think he was surprised at his success considering the depth of her grief over her breakup with Xelloss. He came into town to see me and keep me posted a few times. Still, I was somewhat forlorn and neglected-feeling.

Oh, and he stopped spiking his hair. Yeah, that's right. He also got Milgasia to get him clan medical help removing the studs and healing the openings on his face. I am not kidding! He had Filia cut his hair, shortening it so it just brushed his shoulders. Then they went shopping together to buy him some 'not black with holes or metal' clothes. I guess it took her mind off her problems. He explained to me later that it was his symbolic way of demonstrating that with my love strengthening him, he no longer needed to protect himself from the world alone. That he was tough without the hardware. Okay. He did all those changes over a period of a few months so I saw it as a gradual change. Still... I liked him anyway, but it was kinda weird seeing him so handsome with a gentler touch. And I had to believe that it was due to me; he hadn't done it for Filia when he had the chance and her influence before.

One day Amelia visited me, bubbling over with happiness. She and Zelgadiss had spent a truly wonderful summer together and ever since then she just knew that he was the one and only one for her. She was just plain ecstatic. I couldn't help but get caught up in her fevered excitement, having a fresh new love affair of my own. Up until that point Val and I had kept it under wraps, but it was getting harder and harder.

"Oh, I don't know how to explain it but..." she sighed happily then proceeded to do just that. "Zelgadiss was so funny the other night. We were stopping for a bite to eat and he noticed a scratch on his new car. I thought he might get really mad then go all dark and moody, you know..."

"Oh yeah, I know Zel and his moods too well. So what did he do?"

"He just shook his head and went on talking where he'd left off. Like it was nothing!" Amelia seemed to be amazed by this discovery.

"It _was_ nothing," I muttered. "Glad to hear he's learning to deal with life's little disappointments with mature calm and equanimity. So tell me more about how my ole bud is shaping up in the boyfriend department."

Amelia blushed. "Well, he has the most sensitive ears..."

"Yeah, yeah, so what's new about that?" I watched her smile grow and then I understood what she was talking about, and it wasn't his acute hearing. "Ohhhh...kaaaay... so tell me about...Kiki," I said quickly changing the topic amid Amelia's laughter.

When winter arrived, I decided to do something unselfish for Val to send him a strong message. I wanted him to know that I loved him and that I cared about him and what mattered to him. I remembered our rustic cabin in the high desert of the Ancient Clan lands. One call later, and one enthusiastic contractor from the monument project was hired. Unfortunately, the planning stage was as far as he would be able to go until the weather improved, sometime in late spring. That was okay, though. Val and I couldn't use it until summer anyway.

One cold, rainy day, Amelia told us all of her choice to take the job in Sairaag. Zel was still there and I could tell that that was the most important part in her decision-making process. I was very pleased for her personally and for her and Zel taking a serious stab at a relationship, a grown up one. I think Amelia and I bonded more closely than ever just then. I disclosed that I had fallen in love and that I would tell her about it...when I was ready.

"Oh you and Val are just perfect together!" she giggled.

"Huh? H-how did you...? What makes you think it's Val? I mean... Oh, hell...yeah..." I eventually broke down and admitted the truth which she had already guessed.

"Oh, he just watches you like a hawk all the time, when he doesn't think you'll notice it. But I can tell he likes you lots. So, what's going on? Where is he?"

"He's...not around much. We like things that way, ya know. No strings attached so we're free to do stuff and not get in each other's way."

"He must still be out at the settlement, then. Zelgadiss told me you would get him to try and entice Filia back. But, Lina...what if he _does_? Are you okay with that? What if he and Filia ...you know, get back together?"

"Then that's the way it goes," I said. "Far be it from me to be the one to force him to be faithful."

"But then...Xelloss might come back. Oh, Lina! Do you think Xelloss is waiting for that ten year reunion promise? How romantic! He comes back to you after waiting ten long years, still in love and hoping that you are..."

"Amelia, for gods'sakes," I chuckled.

She started to laugh too, avoiding the possibility of turning that trend of thought into a more serious one. Amelia was thrilled to be my confident, and promised to tell no one about Val and me— even Zelgadiss; too many issues were at stake at the moment. Now I felt well fortified to fight off the wear and tear of uncertainty as the burden of secrecy was unloaded a little. The stress reduction was amazing. Why hadn't I shared that way sooner? Oh well, live and learn, as they say. And it was about time for me, because another crisis was about to descend upon me, along with the re-introduction of the chaos-kid into my life. Enter stage left, Xelloss, the person beyond logic, the singularity, both in terms of his uniqueness and his strangeness. His form of chaos tended to plow through the unimaginative yet utilitarian matters of life and leave a path of structural shambles in his wake.

Yeah, but at this particular juncture in the course of my life, I was so light-hearted that I missed the 'spatial shift' that occurs prior to one of Xelloss' re-entries into my life, and I forgot to knock on wood.

...Sigh...

After that string of turbulent seasons, I was anticipating an amenable spring to recover my strength and my band and to bring together all my friends again. Oh, and to get started on that cabin rebuilding project left on hold for months.

First, band and friends. I called and actually got a hold of Zel. He claimed that he was just about to call me. Yeah, right. I reminded him that in just a year, the next spring, it would be our 10 year reunion of the band and that we should plan something special. We should try and cut a CD in summer and promote it later and celebrate with a gigantic concert, at the very least. He agreed, if we could get Xelloss and Filia back.

"That's fine with me. Whatever you want, just make it _late _in June when the residency is on break."

"Just for you, I'll see what I can do." I was always happy to accommodate his every wish and demand.

"Thanks, Lina. And for that I'll share some breaking news with you."

See, he met my kindness with cruelty. "Oh, yeah? What's that?" I was expecting him to tell me about his romance with Amelia, so I was mentally unprepared for his next announcement.

"Xelloss is flying into Seyruun in...just about one hour he should be landing."

Oh yeah, I just bet he loved dropping that piece of news on me. The only thing that would have made it better for him would have been to be here so he could have gotten a good look at my face. "What! Xelloss! After, a year, huh? Well, its about time he made up with Filia and me."

"Ah, ha...well, he is bringing his wife."

"WHAT! A wife? He got married _again?_"

"That's right. Her name is..."

"I don't care. I'll just forget anyway. Geez...that's gonna spoil all our plans. Why'd he go and pull a stupid stunt like that again? When did you say he was coming in? Tonight?"

"I'm certain he'll be bringing her around to introduce her to everyone."

"I'll bet. Well, thanks for the warning... And...tell him to met here first. I'll collect the others."

"Anytime, bye Lina."

This time I'd be ready for anything. First of all, I'd have to warn Val and get him to meet us at my place. There wasn't much time to prepare. Why now? I wondered what made Xelloss choose now to return and on top of that, come back towing along some stinking new babe. Had he gone off the deep end for good?

Later, I found out the truth. Zelgadiss, of course had been pushing his own agenda with Xelloss and not told me. It was Zel who had urged Xelloss to return. It was Zel who had told him that Filia had found someone new. Zel had given him the go-ahead. See, Filia was hanging out with Val when Amelia had spotted them at the shopping mall. But as close as Filia and Val were, a budding romance was not happening. Val was mine, even though we hadn't seen each other in about two months.

At least, so I had assumed. I was mistrustful of some folks. Okay, most, but not Val. I couldn't believe that he would risk our future with a fling with Filia. Why? Because I was in love.

So that evening, Xelloss returned to Seyruun. I had everyone over to my house, everyone being me, Zel, Amelia, Gourry, Sylphiel, and Val, who had just entered the house after racing back from the settlement. Val looked tired, but good to me as he gave me a wink and a kiss on the cheek, which I hoped promised 'more later, babe.' He got himself a drink and was doing the rounds saying 'hi' to the others, when Zel straightened, "Limo just pulled up."

Kiki was first to walk in the door. She looked so pretty and happy. She had been visiting favorite places in France, and was pleased to have Xelloss accompany her back to Seyruun (where, I understood from Amelia, Kiki had a steady boyfriend waiting.)

Next, in stepped an emaciated girl of about 15 (sure she was 19 or 20, but she looked very young) with a pixie face and a terrified expression. Xelloss waltzed in and informed everyone that he had remarried some time ago and introduced us all to his wife, Shanna.

_My gods, what was Xelloss thinking?_

Val had moved into position behind me. I could hear him gasp a simple, 'shit...' and then felt his breath on my ear as he leaned in to whisper, "I told Filia I'd be back to tell her what's up, so I'm going now. She thinks you married Xelloss. I think you'd better call your sister and think about following out later. Love you."

I nodded curtly and watched him slide out the door with only a brief word to Shanna and Xelloss in passing. Val was right, I should call Luna and see if I could spend a couple days out at the settlement with her. I could see some serious fence mending was in order. I rushed down the hall and into my room for some privacy; although I figured everyone was probably thinking I was crying over Xelloss or something. Luna's line was busy on the first try, so I packed up a bag with a few things anyway. On the second try I got her.

"Yeah, I just got off the phone with Val, who called to say he was in route and that Xelloss was married. You coming out?"

"Can I stay with you?" I asked.

"Anytime, sis. I hope you and your friends can work out your problems."

"We will," I said with more optimism than I had any reason to have.

With my travel bag in one hand and a set of spare keys in the other, I pushed nosily out to meet my house-full of guests.

"Hey, guys! You can stay, but I gotta go. Emergency thing. Just lock up after yourselves, okay?"

I tossed Zel the keys, gave Xelloss a friendly punch on the shoulder, and I was out the door before anyone could stop me.

I had the entire, long, solitary drive to think about what is was I wanted to say, what I wanted to learn from Filia, and to digest my reactions to Xelloss. _He had re-married? Ah, poor Filia. And to think all this time she'd been thinking he and I had gotten married. No wonder Filia had wanted nothing to do with me, she thought Xelloss and I had gotten married– what an imagination! Gods... I hope that Filia would listen to what I had to say now and forgive my role in messing up her life. Married, Xelloss, geez... The big question would be: would Filia want to return to the band now that Xelloss was remarried? Would **he** want to? I hadn't even said a word to him. Maybe he wasn't back to stay. I hadn't thought about that. How would the Slayers survive without him? And why in hell had he gone and married that little imp?_

Yeah, all that and more was flogging my brain that night.

Val met Filia at the settlement to give her the news. He could be a sweet talker when he needed to be and I'm sure he broke the news to her as gently as possible. By the time I reached the gates to the settlement, my cell phone was ringing. I was to go straight to Filia's house, my sister said. She would be there and Milgasia was on his way as well.

Luna had thought it was time Filia gave up on Xelloss but demanded that she sit and hear everyone out. Filia learned from Milgasia about Xelloss' numerous attempts to join her clan and his repeated rejections... and that he had a deadline after which he'd give up. Val, who had been privy to my ideas, Zel's and even Amelia's was able to explain to Filia that when time had run out, Xelloss had made the move on me, in order to force Filia to break with him, so that she could have another chance to find the prefect mate. Val explained that Xelloss' choice to take a new wife was further proof that he meant for the split to be permanent, and that I had not been a player in his weird performance. I was totally unaware of what had been going on, just as Filia herself had been. If there was a problem, it was entirely due to Xelloss' irrational actions.

I mean, they all did such an excellent job, that when I finally pulled up, Filia drew me into a tearful hello, embracing her essential Slayer-ness. We had a nice little party out there, Val, Filia and me. She was so lonely and had missed us all 'dreadfully'. I told her about the plans for our upcoming 10 year reunion and she begged to come back! Yeah! She was ready to re-join the band and everything. One down, one to go was the way I saw it.

"But Fil, what about Xelloss? What if he comes back to the band too? Can ya deal with seein' him again?" Val asked.

"Well, I'll try. I can handle seeing your pretty face, so I think I can cope with his too," she smiled and ran her fingers along his rib cage.

I was glad to see her spirits high, but not her easy manner with Val. She was just too cozy around him for my comfort. Did she see him as a potential boyfriend again? Oh, that would be ripe! Just as I've found the guy for me, wouldn't you know that Filia would pounce and land on the same one? And he'd be ideal for her; he was clan, a friend, tall, attractive, smart, rich, edgy, poetic, and...hot. Okay, so he was absolutely perfect for me, since I did not require Xelloss' polish and sophistication, but probably the closest thing to perfection for her tastes.

If I dwelled on all that any longer, I would torment myself with self-doubt until I was crazy. Instead, I vowed to be a woman of action, and my first act was to steal Val away to his place. Just the two of us alone. There, we re-affirmed our love, recognizing the need to keep it low-profile so as not to make a sensitive situation blow out of control somehow. It wasn't as much as I wanted, that was for sure, but it was enough to tide me over.

Val, well, heh, heh...he wasn't as certain he could hold out much longer. He wanted me to come out to the settlement more often, and if I did, he would arrange more secret trysts. It was exciting, inventive, and when delivered in his particular, husky voice with that very Val intensity, well...it was very arousing, let's just say. I didn't think that I could hold him responsible for his behavior entirely around Filia if I didn't enlighten him as to where I stood on the matter and reassert my position. Okay, so having done that, I also knew that I had to get my competition firmly and completely out of the way, in the nicest of ways.

The next morning, I decided that I would pour all my brilliant and vast effort into** the** goal, which was: free Xelloss, make some clan somewhere adopt him somehow, and then get him back together with Filia. Sure, he'd tried to get into the clan before, Milgasia explained, but now he had Lina Inverse working for him. A very driven Lina Inverse. Oh, and all the while keep in mind that I had to retain possession of Val's heart and interest.

The first step was to make Xelloss return to the band. That was easily accomplished by a single phone call, placed by _moi_. I called him from Luna and Julian's place.

"Xelloss? Yeah, Lina here. Listen, I need the Slayers back in the studio and on the road this summer. We gotta cut a CD and do some promotional stuff before our grand 10 year reunion party next spring. This is all depending on there actually being a Slayers band to do this all with, which currently there is not, which gets me 'round to the point here."

"You need a drummer?"

"Well, yeah sorta. I got one of those, but what I really need is my unique and very special singing drummer. Pay's mediocre, hours are flexibly bad, lots of travel rarely in comfort, the best of company though, and usually the work's a blast...Think you're interested in the job? "

"You want me? Then of course, Lina, I'll fill the position. But, I have a special request of my own."

Gods, I hoped that he wasn't going to insist that I exclude Filia or something difficult like that. "Oh? And that is--?"

"That we move the timetable up for that reunion concert and we begin with a private party."

"Move it up to... how far up?"

"October."

"October! That's hardly more than six months away? I don't know if there's time to do everything that soon!"

"We left a nearly finished CD on the table in the production room. I think one more shot and we'd be done with it. We'd do a few jobs in summer and be ready. I'll pull a few strings and get us a large enough concert hall and the publicity."

"Better make it a really big place, Xelloss. I'm thinking REALLY big here."

"Naturally."

"And, ah... about your _wife _(to rhyme with strife)..."

"Lina, please. Don't...go there, okay?"

"Yeah, well, okay. Okay. You got your date, but tell me this..."

"Yes?"

"Why October? It won't even be 10 years at that point?"

"Why? Can't you guess? Oh, Lina... well... then...it's...a secret."

Did I ever say he was past the annoying part of his personality? Yeah? Well, I was wrong. He said I'd figure it all out sooner or later and laughed before hanging up. I had too much now to do and to think about to pay him any particular notice. Xelloss and his silly jokes. How I'd missed them and him; it was great having him back. It was great knowing the band was coming online! Time to spread the news!

I began with a call to Zel, "Filia's coming back, so's Xelloss. Band meeting Sunday, downtown studio. Oh, and our reunion party's been moved up to this coming October."

Prior to our first band practice since the breakup, Val arranged for Filia to meet with Xelloss and his new bride, in private out at the settlement. It was a terribly considerate thing for him to do. He picked the couple up downtown and drove them out to Filia's home, where he played the gracious host throughout their twenty minute meeting. Then, he drove them all back into town, dropping Shanna off at Xelloss' condo first. Then he drove Filia and Xelloss on to the studio for our band session.

During the practice break, Val and I snuck off for some private conversation.

"He's still got Fil on his mind. She was in the front passenger seat, with Xelloss in the back seat," Val began. " After Shanna got out, I was afraid Xelloss might fall apart. His eyes never left the back of her head."

"Whose head?"

Val gave me one of his perturbed sighs, "_Your _head! Nah, Fil's, Li. Like he was comparin' what he saw in real life to what his memories of her had been. Either that or tryin' to absorb her into his body through his eyes."

"Oh, yuck!"

Val chuckled and grinned. He loved to gross me out when he could.

"Well, I hope that was a good thing. Xelloss being stuck on Filia still, in spite of being married. I'm pretty encouraged by everyone's upbeat attitude today, you know, gathering for the first time under one roof. The practice is going better than I expected, under the circumstances."

Val agreed. "We better get back to work if we're gonna get that CD done in a single afternoon, which is all the time Zel has to spare us."

"Yeah, Doctor Busy."

I loved all my friends, the band, the togetherness. I was more relaxed around Xelloss than I had expected. I had missed him. Knowing that made me smile. Boy, when I first met him years ago I thought he was a quirky guy. It had annoyed me how he started hitting on me with irregularity. I was just uninterested in romance crap of any kind. Gourry knew how to give me space, as did good old Zel, although Zel was so self conscious I couldn't stand being around him sometimes. Val tried to intimidate me and impress me, but I could tell that he was mostly bluster. Take away his need to posture and he became a caring, sensitive guy. His tough-dude persona served to protect his inner self. Now that I knew him, I liked both sides of him, being a tough and sensitive kinda girl myself.

"I hope that smile's for me, not Zel," Val whispered into my ear and breaking my trance.

"Huh?"

"Just another dude I had ta watch my step around."

"What are you talking about?"

"You guys were so close. Practically at the mind reading stage. He an' I more than once nearly got in a fight over you. That was that first year, just before the band started. He was very protective of his Lii-na friend. Didn't want the big, bad wolf to getcha."

I clipped Val alongside the head for that one. "You mean he was trying to getcher paws off of me, well, that was for your own protection. Of course Zel admired me. Everyone did at one time or another, but it was never more than that, and you know it so stop teasing."

"Or...you'll...what?"

"I'll pound you into dreamland."

"No ya won't, but you might try to squirm outta my arms..." he grinned as he tightened them around me and began kissing whatever skin he could touch.

"I could, ya know," I said, wishing that it was true but knowing that I hadn't the strength of will to part from him violently.

"Yeah...sure...dream on, babe."

"Yeah, dreaming about you, Val," I said with a roll of my eyes.

"Dreamin'? Well, how 'bout we stay at the hotel downtown tonight and dream together?"

"Okay..." I loved it when he'd go all romantic on me like that. "Back to work then!"

Thankfully, the following band practices went as well at the first, but that was because of all my effort! I was left exhausted by the effort of keeping it all together and keeping the mood surrounding the band conducive to work. But it was worth it. The band was in top form and the practices passed without a hitch.

It was half a job just trying to avoid noticing Xelloss eat away at his soul each time he'd flicker his gaze over Filia. The yearning in his expression was heartbreaking. Val pressed a note into my hand near the close of one practice. He hovered nearby so I figured he wanted me to read it and was waiting for my reply.

"Tonight?" it read. That was all. Of course, that was enough sometimes. That Val could sense my need was amazing to me, and appreciated deeply.

I blushed and raised my eyes to catch his a moment.

He laughed and shook his head.

I was really spacing out, when a gentle voice summoned my brain to attend, "Lina? Would you like me to call the usual places, you know, to make those contacts for jobs you do?" Sylphiel asked. "I know you have a lot on your mind and the teaching and all and I have help with the kids at home, so I'd like to help, if I may."

I was floored. "Yes!" I shouted when the ability to speak returned. "May the gods bless you with eternal beauty! Yes, thanks Sylphiel. I'll get you those numbers. They're in a file at my office. I'll just swing by your house and drop'em off. That way I can see how much bigger those little buggers of yours and Gourry's are getting."

She glowed with joy. I think that was the first time I had mentioned both her and her children and Gourry in the same breath. As it I'd never admitted he and she had produced any. Well, it hadn't struck me as important before. Anyway, relieved of that burden, I drove home, riding on a cloud of Val-eu-phoria.

Naturally, that wasn't about to last long.

I needed to change my clothes, pack a tooth brush, meet Val...did I have time for a shower too, I wondered, no, but...was that the door bell? Surely Val wasn't stopping by to pick me up.

I rushed from the bathroom to get the front door, "What? Xelloss? What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk. May I come in?"

"No, I mean, just for a minute while I change my clothes. I was just on my way out."

"Hot date?"

"You bet. Now, spill it. You have...two minutes."

"I need longer than that, Lina."

"Okay, but not tonight." I willed myself not to meet his eyes with my own. _Don't look, don't look..._

"Your appointment, it's really that important that it can't wait, say, an hour?"

"That's right, Xelloss. It can't, he can't and I can't. Listen, I'll get Zel to meet you and if that doesn't pan out, come see me tomorrow about...4:00 at my office at the university," I shouted as I ran out the door, pushing him ahead of me and then locking up.

I did hate to leave Xelloss standing there, but if I hadn't pulled away from him at that moment, I might have drowned in his sad eyes and missed my rendezvous with Val. He could simply suck me into his vortex of turbulence, from which I would emerge a changed being. Maybe he understood that and didn't want to alter my new reality; he hadn't forestalled my progress as hard as I know he could have.

"I'm calling Zel now!" I promised in a shout out the car window as I sped off.

"Zel? Did I actually get you?" I yelled into my cell phone, which was clamped between my shoulder and my cheek precariously as I drove to the hotel. "I haven't got much time so you gotta do this."

"Do what?"

"Xelloss dropped by. Alone. And...he was okay but I could tell there was something he needed to say but I had to run. I left him standing out in front of my place. You're in Seyruun at the hospital tonight, right?"

"I'm in Seyruun at the hospital, but not working now."

"He needs someone. Call him, okay?"

"Maybe it's you he needs to talk to, not me," Zel suggested.

"It can't be me. It wouldn't be...safe. Now go! Talk! Call me later and tell me what he says. Bye." I didn't want to get into a verbal sparring match with him. I also knew Zel would understand the danger signals. Now was not the time for intimate meetings between Xelloss and myself.

So, that's when Zel learned that Xelloss had realized that he had made a grave error in marrying Shanna. Xelloss wasn't all a great guy, believe me. He was ruthless, brutal, at times. It appeared that he had no qualms about using this girl first as a crutch, then as a shield from Filia, and now that her usefulness was spent, it appeared that he was willing to cheerfully toss her away. Cut his losses and go. That lack of remorse and cutthroat attitude probably allowed him to un-build the syndicate, but it was rough on his disposable liaisons. Ah, Zelas...you would have been so proud of your little boy...

What was important, though, and moved us all closer to achieving the ultimate goal here, was that if Xelloss was hoping to dump his wife, then that meant Xelloss must feel he had a chance with Filia again, like some clan option opening up. Or, in an inauspicious light, it might indicate that Xelloss had some reason to believe that Filia was permanently out of his life. That could only be if she was in love with someone else. But there was no one else. I knew that! The only other guy she'd been around of late was Val. And Val was mine, Lina Inverse's man, and only mine.

This was no time for doubt or mistrust. Time to plan the next step; the next two, that is. It was time to check on that cabin rebuilding project, now that the road up was passable.

Also, I decided that it was time to invite Filia to move back into my house. Not only would it help in the loneliness department, but that way I could keep an eye on her. And that happened faster than I was afraid it might. I was sure that I'd have to mention how close to downtown (and Xelloss) it was. Tempt her with temptation. But...

"I've decided to reopen the Mace and Vase," she opened. "I need something to do and it was the perfect business for me."

"Cool. So, you'll be needing a place to stay in Sey..."

"Is my room still available in your house?" Filia's eyes beseeching me for a 'yes' answer.

So I gave it. "Yeah, wanna move back?"

"Oh, yes as soon a possible."

"Cool." I tossed Filia her old keys back.

So, the summer started better than the last one with Xelloss fleeing the country. I had my band back, a huge reunion to plan, gigs to do, Zel on top of some plan to break up Xelloss from his wife, plus a few more irons in the fire to get Xelloss into some clan, and a romance of my own to tend to. And as to that, our cabin in the high desert was nearly done. It would be close enough for an inspection soon. Sounded busy, but like I said before, it was a good kind of busy because I felt in charge again!

Amelia and Zel were looking into Xelloss' agreement with the Cephied Believers when he gave away Wolfpack Island. It looked to us all like a promising way to leverage a clan membership out of them. Also, by summer, Amelia and Zel had their plan to separate Xelloss from his wife in place, although I was not privy to the details, mostly because Zel thought (and Amelia agreed even knowing how I felt about Val!) I was part of Xelloss' romance problems. Even after I had worked to stay away from Xelloss' influence! Had one of them simply asked me...ah...well...I may not have been very convincing at the time. But I wasn't playing with Xelloss' feelings in an attempt to entice him to my side. I was being rather secretive, but that had to do with keeping intimate meetings with Val hidden from everyone. I, on the other hand, was satisfied with letting them take over the 'Xelloss problem' for a little while so that I could concentrate on Val.

I wanted to regain some of our intimacy, our mental connectedness. We had lost months of time together and realized that I had no idea what had been going through his mind while he had been out at the settlement with Filia. I wanted to know. So one day when he stopped by the university, I pushed him into the chair in my office, brought up the word processor, and told him to 'put it into words,' while I graded papers. What follows is his, with editing by me:

_I fished in my jacket pocket for some cigarettes. Filia frowned. I ignored the look and what it meant. I just wasn't in the mood. I should quit. Again. But not now. I found the pack and stood._

_"Be right back," I said, brushing past her and walking to the back of the house. _

_I pushed through the doors to the back porch. I felt...distracted, and I didn't like it. I hurdled over the railing off the porch and out onto the walking path, then paused, hand digging in pocket for my lighter. It was dark outside and reasonably quiet. I stopped and put a cigarette to my lips, flicking the lighter to make a quiet flame in my hand. I drew in and relaxed against the brick wall, eyes closing. Time to reach for a peace inside myself as I smoked. I'd always felt that my cigarette time was the closest I came to meditation, the closest I came to centering myself, when I couldn't be out at the desert. Yeah, I'd quit for good, someday, but not tonight. I exhaled evenly, slowly._

_Evidently, an aching heart wasn't something that ever escaped your memory. _

_Lina was my first real in-love-with-her lover, my first real romance, so this had never come up before, this conflict with competition. And, to be honest, it wasn't really a problem until recently. Somehow the idea of Lina finding someone else was far worse than the idea of Lina pulling back, loving me less. I clenched my jaw and opened my eyes, looking out through the dark and across the parking to the dark line of trees in the distance. Jealousy was something I'd thought I was beyond-- if that was what it was. It seemed somehow sadder than just jealousy, but I didn't have much to compare it with. Girls never dumped me, I dumped them first. This was a first in so many ways. And not a good first. Something had to change, I knew. How did other people deal with this kind of feeling, I wondered? I smoked in silence, watching the neighbors trail in from their car towards their house as if pulled by some silent signal._

_Lina was mine. She's said so, but she also was attracted to that Joey kid and she loved Xelloss. No doubt about that. She and Xelloss were so close in a funny way and yet, it was she who told me she loved** me** and wanted** me** to love just her and only her. And yet... This was something new for both of us. She'd never even had a boyfriend before. And I'd never kept a girl for more than a month, if that. And now, Lina was spending more time with Xelloss, while I was spending my time with Filia. It was all for a good cause, but I hated it. I hated being apart from Lina at all and for so long and just when we had something good starting. _

_"Are you thinkin' of me, Li?" I whispered to the dark._

_I stomped out my cigarette and shuffled back into the house. Filia would have something interesting to watch. She always chose good fantasy movies, to take away the pain of reality._

"At least I wasn't suffering alone, when you and I were apart," I told him. I thought about what he'd written about clearing his head out at the desert and wondered if now would be a good time to bring up the cabin project.

He chuckled deep within his chest. A rumble like a storm on the way. "You worrying 'bout me not sufferin' enough over you? Shiiit, Li, I tortured myself for years over you."

"How sweet," I grinned. "Tell me more." What I had to say about the cabin could wait. I wanted to hear him talk about things important to him. I wanted to know everything I could about this man.

He cleared his throat while he thought of what story to tell me. He was a little nervous but also a little excited. This was a new kind of fun, talking...about...stuff. "'Kay, we were with the others at the grand openin' party, remember? Out at the badlands? Yeah, back then when you and me weren't understandin' things very well at the time. I had wanted it to be us sharin' a room, enjoyn' the spa. And we weren't. Then that last day, I had a sudden vision of you lyin' beside me on that massive bed in my room and that you were wearin' a lazy smile of contentment, and nothin' else. Yer eyes were fantastic, that deep fiery red that seemed to see everything as you studied my face."

I gave him an encouraging smile.

He went on, "Well, then so...I gotcha to follow me in. You sat there in that chair watchin' me with those eyes. I felt so vulnerable, caught in your eyes like that, so open. I hadn't felt that way before, except now and then alone with Fil, a long time ago. And that wasn't the same, Fil knew me pretty well and yet somehow... not well enough. You looked at me in a different way, as if learn-_ing_ as you watched and lik-_ing_ what you saw. It really made me feel...important. Cherished, almost, if that's the word. I mean, you'd been a virgin before sleepin' with me that day and I am still amazed that I was the one thatcha wanted."

Oh yeah, a sappy line like that bought him a kiss from me. "Yeah, I was quite a catch, wasn't I? Go on..." I said silkily and smiled back at him. This was fun. I liked the way he slipped out of his old, affected speech pattern and spoke to me...just me in clear, multi-syllable words.

"The look in your eyes had been possessive, covetous even. And I liked being the object of that look much more than I could explain to you. Or maybe even to myself. I just hoped you weren't sorry about what we'd done together. You said you were okay. I wished I'd just gone on and asked you to come home with me after that. What was the worst that could have happened? Hell, I knew the answer to that, it wasn't as if it hadn't happened before. Eventually, you would have woken up in the mornin' and been furious with me, resentful or even...ashamed."

"Mad, maybe, but never ashamed," I assured him. And then I proved how I felt so as not to have wasted any more of our precious, private time together on just talk. But I was glad we had that talk. I learned something. Val had been as unsure of me as I had been of him back then, even though he seemed so confident! I hoped he felt more certain of me now.

"I brotcha my book of poetry," he said hesitantly.

"Oooh! Let's see!" I squealed eagerly. Had he written about me?

When he showed me his little worn book, I wasn't surprised. I think that disappointed him, me not acting shocked at his talent all hidden away or thrilled that he was letting me read it. As I read them all, he watched me with a dark look on his face. Created from his carefully chosen words, each gem of a poem produced powerful images and intense emotions. I found them to be compelling and told him so and why. We spent an entire evening analyzing Val Agares through his poetry. He had to fix me dinner to keep me going. What an ego stroke for the guy, but it was fun making him feel like the center of the universe; well, at least mine for awhile.

"This part's terrific. How the wind makes you feel, but here..." I gnawed on a carrot and let him see what I was pointing at. "Here you get all sappy."

"Sappy?" His serious expression disappeared in a smirky smile, "It's a love poem, Li. Ain't ya ever felt that way before?"

"Yeah, but..."

"No 'but'. This is 'bout passion. I can hear it in yer voice when you perform. It's in the way you do stuff all focused and involved. And if you got passion, you got love. And if you got love, then you can be content. That's all it's saying there."

"Just _content_? But, don't you want more once you're in love? And you want the other person to love you back so you're all worried about that happening and there's all these expectations you have to live up to and..."

"Now there you go gettin' all stirred up. Hell, Li, you make life so difficult for yourself. None of that's gotta happen. You can just feel it and go with it. I tried to put that down in the poem. The wind filling me with love."

"But the wind changes direction and blows away..."

He spanked me good-naturedly. "Stop bein' so ne-ga-tive!"

"Ouch!"

"An' stop yer whinin'," he chuckled and kissed me soundly. "Good. Now be quiet a minute. I think happy poems are hardest. Who feels like writing when their happy? Sad's easier and so's anger. Love's the hardest to express. Seems to be for me."

"Yeah," I agreed whole heartedly. "So, when did you write this one?"

"We were all at the beach house, all but her, ah...Filia. You remember, when Subaru and his sister got dumped on us the first time?" Val smiled faintly.

"Yeah, that was a fun time. We were so young... So, you were thinking about Filia when you wrote this?" I ventured.

"No big thing..." he insisted.

"Let's see...it made your skin... 'clammy?'"

"Sometimes," he said slowly, his voice low and a smile spreading to his eyes. "Sometimes I'd be sweatin'. Sometimes a chill would settle upon me, then a flash of heat to seer my flesh away."

"My gods, Val, that sounds awful– not like love at all!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah..." I smiled. "You know, the more I learn about you, the better I know you, the more I like you."

"Ummm, that sounds promising. Possibly...passionate...?"

"Very possibly. I'd go as far as promising, particularly, passionate. But first..."

"No firsts," he growled.

"I quick one. I want to go out to the high desert, but not the spa. A special place."

"Yeah?"

"Our cabin place."

"But it ain't there any more, Li..."

"Oh yes it is."

"Oh no it's not..."

"It will be a little different. Running water from the spring hooked up inside, with a water heater and a tiny bathroom and trucked-in propane."

"What are you talking about?"

"Consider it a late birthday present from me to you," I smiled at his incredulous expression.

"Li..."

And that was the end of the conversation part of our evening together. I never knew how totally happy and..._contented_.. I could be, until I fell in love with Val.

...sigh...

With Filia moved back into the house, the place felt a lot warmer. Especially this one day when I was running late.

I walked slowly towards the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. As my hands fell to my sides, I caught another scent, something floral. When I entered the living room, I saw it. I froze mid-step, stunned. There were flowers everywhere; in vases and jars along the shelves, pink roses in boxes atop the table, wildflowers tied in bunches; a profusion of blooms in pink and white and yellow and red and blue. Roses, carnations, baby's-breath, daisies, flowers I didn't know the names of in bouquets throughout the room; some obviously from a florist, others were pretty wild flowers in bunches. _What was Filia thinking of to have done this? _

I was too sleepy to process the floral assault further, so I stumbled on to the kitchen, looking for Filia. She glanced up from the stove, saw me friend and set the spatula down. When I reached her, she hugged me, then pulled back to look into my face. She was smiling and relaxed, almost girlish. I was baffled.

"Filia? What's...what's up with the flowers, what're you so... so... whatever about, so... happy... about?" My voice was thick with sleep, a low purr.

Filia laughed, "So you saw the flowers?" Her eyes twinkled.

"Well, duh...what...what?" Her expression was confusing me.

Filia reached for an envelope on the counter and handed it to me. She met my questioning eyes and said, "He was very handsome, Lina."

"He...who?"

She gestured for me to open the card. It read: 'From the one you've been waiting for.'

"Do you know who brought them?" Filia asked.

_I sure as hell did now. _Only Val would have used that quote from Carol's love letter and only he would have arranged the bouquets by hand. Xelloss would have had a professional arrangements delivered. But it was so romantic. I'd never though of Val as the kind of man to go out for wild, romantic gestures. "Was he here? Already this morning? Before 8:00? You...saw Val?"

Filia nodded and giggled. "Yeah, and he had his hair brushed and clean. Oh, and he mentioned wanting to take us both out for dinner. Here's his other note with the time and place."

I was astonished.

Filia laughed at my face, which was most probably a mess. "I thought it was a nice house warming present, don't you think so?"

Yes and no. I knew that he had done this all for me, but in a way so as to allow room for Filia's misinterpretation. If I thought it was time to 'let the cat out of the bag' so to speak, then I could. No. She and Xelloss were not in tight yet. Until then, Val and I were secret lovers. It was kinda fun that way, too.

In the meantime, dear Amelia arranged for me and her to speak with Luna concerning Xelloss and his Wolfpack Island ownership hand off to Filia. Luna had said before that she knew next to nothing and now she was sticking closer to absolutely nothing. You'd have thought Luna didn't want Xelloss to get that clan membership. She was no help at all. Amelia pressed like a red hot iron until Luna delved a bit deeper into the paperwork. And, low and behold, the Island was under Filia's control, she discovered.

"That means that Filia can threaten to take the island away from her clan, should she have to leave it in order to make a life with the one she loves. It's just the most romantic fight for justice I've ever heard of," Amelia sighed.

We all agreed that this could be very useful leverage, should Filia choose to exercise it. "Yeah, but why hadn't Xelloss ever mentioned it? He's sharp. He woulda figured out the same thing," I muttered.

"He must have forgotten about it or maybe he wanted Filia to figure it out herself? Who knows?" Amelia asked.

"When it comes to him, you never can tell," Luna said vacantly. "But he doesn't often do something that convoluted without a reason."

To which I snorted, "Think again. Xelloss is out there a lot of the time."

My sister's mind was clearly not on our meeting. It was elsewhere mulling over another plan with different objectives and geared towards helping me out. Luna was no dummy. She understood that Val and I were...close, shall we say, and that his being out at the settlement with Filia hadn't been a romantic arrangement. To be more accurate, she had scraped his butt over the coals, interrogating the poor guy as to his (now get this) **_intentions_** with me. And even tough-hided Val gave way under Luna's attack. He broke down, not in tears...geez... but he told her about our secret love affair. I guess Luna bought into it. She kept our affair secret, and kept those coals warm until she could get me alone.

She held off grilling me for facts until Amelia had left out little meeting. Actually, it was, I guess, more of a light sautéing, like fat shrimp in butter with a squeeze of lemon. Hmmm...

Luna surprised me when she leaned toward me and grabbed my hand across the table, "Lina, tell me about you and Val. Is it for real?"

Sizzle...

"What do...? Yeah..." I couldn't deny him or the truth. "We're keeping it quiet until this mess with Xelloss and Filia gets worked out. But, yeah. We are like , I guess you'd call it."

Here's where I expected her to tell me that I was making the biggest mistake of my life, so I tensed up ready to flare to my defense.

She squeezed my hand and purred, "Well, he's no Xelloss, but...at least he's sexy and rich as hell. Good job, little sis!"

Ah, geez... Even my big sis was getting soft with age. Why that drubbing wouldn't even have melted the butter!

So, why didn't Filia and I talk about Xelloss and Val? We weren't home together very often, for one and... it was a very uncomfortable topic, for another. Oh, once or twice she mentioned Val's name and I Xelloss', but we just couldn't go there. Not so soon.

Then we had the new CD in hand and a summer of promotional touring planned. It must have been the second gig that Zel and Amelia executed their scheme to separate Xelloss from his wife. I had no idea what was coming down when Shanna barged into my room to complain about Xelloss. Filia convinced the girl that Xelloss was gay with a sordid history of using young ladies as a cover-up. I thought it wasn't fair to involve Zel. He had a reputation of his own to maintain. I wondered if Filia wasn't just being vindictive, SEQ CHAPTER h r 1I wondered if Filia wasn't just being vindictive, trying to hurt Xelloss and spoil the ( so far anyway ) smooth interactions of the band. Still, I mostly listened and let Filia sink or swim on her own. Shanna, shocked into silence, fled to return to Zel and Amelia's room.

Now both Filia and Zel reported this story before, so I'll pass by it pretty quick-like. Filia was sure that she was sending both Zel and Xelloss a message. I was too, but not the same kind.

"Zel will be furious that you've included him in all this. I expect Zel to come pounding my door down any minute," I told her.

"Oh, Lina...I love Xelloss so much. If there is any chance at all of regaining some part of our past relationship, any hope, I'll do what it takes. I want him back, regardless."

"Yeah, but... Is that the door, Filia? Zel? Yeah, you can come in. Yeah, we're decent!"

It was Zel. He explained that Amelia was with Shanna at the hotel coffee shop, discussing her alternatives.

"But, are you okay with all this. Being the gay partner again?" I asked him.

Zel shrugged, "I can deal with it, since it's not true," He gave me a wry, little smile as if he knew something I didn't, which he did, then went on, "It will all soon be over, anyway. And, well, Xelloss needs all the help I can give him. He wasn't a happily married man, if you couldn't tell. He was in a vulnerable state when he met Shanna and maybe he hoped that she could help him climb over his mountain of problems. But...when he saw you back with the band..." Zel smiled genuinely over at Filia, "He came out of his depression overnight."

Zel cleared his throat and sharpened his tone, "He and I had a talk, Filia. I have to know how you feel about him."

Filia was so disconcerted that she lost her balance and fell off the bed. I did the honors and told him that Filia was fortunately still in love with the idiot, for some ungodly reason, and that we should get the two of them some private time to talk things over. Zel agreed, told me to meet him in at the end of the hallway in about fifteen minutes, and then left us.

"Don't be nervous," I told her weakly.

"I-I don't know what to say to him."

I laughed, "Oh, I bet you'll think of something. You'll do all right. Ah...I'd better git before Xelloss shows up, though."

I fled to Amelia's empty room and peered out the door to watch for Xelloss' arrival. In the meantime, Zel had met with Xelloss and sent him to see Filia. When I heard Xelloss' knock at her door, I let out the breath I was holding. Now it was all up to them. I spied Zel at the other end of the hall. When I was sure Xelloss was out of the way, I waved Zel to hurry back to join me.

There, he began his pitch by reiterating, "Amelia's plan worked, you see. She and Shanna are drawing up the basic separation papers at this very moment and it seems that both Xelloss and Filia are ready to re-build some kind of friendship, but to what extent and to what degree, who knows. It's out of our hands now."

"I hope so," I said easing back onto the bed.

"I hope you'll give them a chance."

Striii-ke one.

"Zel..."

He looked down at his hands then met my eyes with one of his trademark freeze stares. "I was relieved that you stayed out of it. You had me worried. I didn't know what involvement you had in Xelloss' life or wanted."

Striiiii-ke two.

"You seem overly interested in Xelloss' affairs," I observed. "And mine..."

"I want what's best for him, naturally, but I want to move on with my own life and I can't while his is in such turmoil. And you seem to keep getting yourself mixed up in his_ affairs."_

Striiiii-ke three.

Okay, now it was his turn to take the hits. I did not want to begin to explain my relationship with Xelloss to my buddy Zel. Time to throw him a curve ball. "Eh! What you really want is someone else to take care of him so you don't have to shoulder the responsibility for the rest of your life."

"That too," he admitted.

Strike one. Good start. Now for a fast one. "If Filia wants to, she can try and force the clan to allow Xelloss into their training program. All she has to do is say she's leaving and taking Wolfpack with her," I pointed out.

"You've talked to her about that already? She truly wants to get back with him?" I asked.

Fly ball... and Filia wasn't here to catch it.

"Ah, too many questions, there, Zel. I thought I'd see how this part worked first before informing Filia of her Island privileges. And I don't know what will become of them. Why get her hopes up if he can't get divorced or whatever, ya know?"

"I agree. I didn't mention it to him either, just in case. But I see at least one major obstacle in the way, besides Xelloss himself."

Man on base, oh geez... I was getting sloppy. Leave to Zel to find a problem in the game plan. I wound up for another attempt to head him off.

"Oh yeah? And that would be?"

"Val, what about him? Is he stuck on Filia again? Will he be a problem? I haven't had a chance to even wave to him until this morning."

Ah, ha! Striiiiii-iiiike two!

I smirked, "Val stuck on Filia? Ha! Not to worry, I'll handle him, plus I think I can get Val to pressure the clan in the same way."

I was just full of bravado. I nearly gave myself away. That one went foul.

"What? He'd mess with his Ancient Clan holdings to help Xelloss?"

I had to get Zel's mind off Val, so I pushed more responsibilities on him. How about a screw-ball, heh, heh... "In a manner of speaking... Anyway, here's what you have to do. If they seem gung-ho, just get Filia to tell Mil she'll leave the clan if something isn't done!"

"Is _that_ all? Why me?"

Damn, he was a slippery guy. Another man on base. Make the next one hard and fast, to be sure.

"You wanna tackle Val? Huh? I didn't think so. Nobody but me'll do that. In the meantime, Gourry and Sylphiel are doing all my band stuff, and Amelia's busy with Shanna. Which leaves you free to..."

"I get it, Lina. Fine. I'll talk to Filia later, if I get the 'all clear' from them."

Yeees! Strike three and you are out, out, out! I won! I won! I won! Zel sighed a weary sigh. Loser. He didn't look tired, just concerned for his friends. I could tell that it was time for me to work my special brand of magic and inspire him a bit. It had been a good clean game and no one liked a poor winner, right?

"Hey, bud, it'll all turn out just great and in time for our reunion party. You'll see. For a cold, heartless, guitar freak, yer getting pretty good at this 'being in love' stuff."

To which he mysteriously replied, "I'm about to become an expert at it," before he excused himself to the bathroom.

There were more innings to go? I didn't know that! Hey, Zel get back here! Was he about to tell me something personal here? I guessed that he and Amelia were about to reach some momentous point in their relationship. Well, if he wanted to keep it private, fine. I _sure _understood that. Now I just wanted to go back to my own room, but couldn't while Xelloss and Filia might be in a delicate situation. When Sylphiel knocked at their door, I knew the coast would be clear if I waited them out another minute. Sure enough, Xelloss cleared out and then I ran over.

"Well? Well?" I screamed at Filia.

She gave me a hug, "Oh Lina, I feel dizzy. My mind's a white blank; he just sets my body on fire..."

Sigh... "I just hope this all works," I muttered, cutting her blubbering off but greatly relieved.

After all, it wasn't my plan so who knew?

And later, Zelgadiss did his duty and spoke to Filia. Wolfpack Island did not come as a surprise to Filia. She was aware of that blackmailing trick. Xelloss, too. And she was more than willing to use her new-found power and screw-over her clan in the name of love. Amelia was into the just cause as well, conjuring up the speediest annulment ever in the magical kingdom of Seyruun.

My turn was next. See, I knew Val was in a pretty favorable frame of mind ever since I told him about the cabin. We had even taken a quick jaunt there to see how it looked. It looked good enough to test out the place on the weekend. Which we did. That's where this conversation took place, I'm nearly positive.

"Val, I have a favor to ask you."

Now, Val was a relatively normal male. He had his pride, but he could also be bribed with, well...let's just say the 'promise of a good time'. Not that he was as crazy as Xelloss about sexual relations. Xelloss had a non-stop, overactive libido, which was (and Filia can attest to this, ask her if you don't believe me) probably overcompensating for something in his past, he was so demanding. Val was certainly eager, but not one to ever pressure me. Still, I could lure him into a little entrapment, occasionally.

We were stretched out on our king-sized mattress (a new one!) after a hard day band-related followed by hours of traveling to get to the cabin. I repeated, since he hadn't grunted or moved, "Ummm... Val, I have a favor to ask you."

"Anything, babe," he sighed carelessly.

_Good, he was too wasted to think. _"Well, Filia's willing to quit the clan and take her island with her to get the Supreme elder to let Xelloss join the clan. But what if Wolfpack Island isn't enough? What if there were more assets at stake?"

"The more the better probably. Whatcha got in mind?" he asked. Nothing getting past him.

"What if you threaten to withdraw your property from the clan?"

Val snorted as he turned to face me, "Hnn! That's one hell of a dangerous threat, Li. It would bankrupt them, I think."

"So, it just might get the council's attention?"

"Oh, yeah, it would do that." Val stared out the window into the night sky, then back at me. "Zel wants to get on with his life. He told me he's waiting for Xelloss to get settled before he can. Same thing for us. Guess we're all in that limbo place as you call it, wastin' time waitin' for them to get squared away. This might speed things up. 'Kay, I'll give my lawyer a call and see what can be done. That what you want from me?"

"Yes, mostly...but I'd also like one of those wonderful backrubs you give."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, the one with benefits, if you get my drift?"

He caught on fast, about the need to get on the phone with his lawyer as fast as possible, as well, heh, heh...

Fast action was necessary, too, because we hadn't much time before that reunion party in October, and I know Xelloss wanted it resolved by then. It was a kind of mystical date for him. Xelloss himself was off continent the day after his annulment came through. He took Miss Shanna back with him saying he had plenty of work to finish up. He promised, though, to return by October, without a doubt.

Filia informed Milgasia of her plans to pressure her clan using the island as collateral. Val was preparing his own 'package' to throw in the faces of the council, but was waiting until Luna gave him a sign that it would be absolutely necessary.

In this way, fall arrived and no ruling came overturning the previous denials of Xelloss' admission to the Cephied clan. I had to prepare for teaching two classes this time and asked Val to 'screen my calls!" This he did well, if not a bit too harshly, but I needed to concentrate!

As Zel summarized in a previous chapter: "This left my future uncertain, as well as Xelloss', Amelia's, and Filia's. We had this huge almost-ten-year-reunion party planned just for our band, to be followed by a concert where 10,000 tickets had already been sold! I hoped the gods would have mercy on us and make everything turn out all right."

So did I.

Yep, I was teaching classes, planning our party, selling tickets for the concert and Zel was worrying and in his last year of residency, poor baby. Filia was becoming a basket case at home. I was thankful that she was at work most of the time to spare me her pacing and anxious hand wringing. One morning, I staggered into the bathroom. I noticed that the trash can was tilted at a funny angle. When I righted it, I spied a curious box discarded on top. A pregnancy test. Oh, my...

I hurried with my business, and then scurried down the hall to Filia's room. The box sure the hell wasn't mine! The light was on so I knew she was up.

"Filia? Can I come in?"

She made a grunt I assumed to be a 'yes' and so I entered.

"Say..." I began, but said no more. There was no need. The look on her face told me everything. "Oh, Filia..."

She burst into tears, happy or sad, I couldn't tell. "Lina...I'm...I'm...I'm going to have a baby..."

I performed the quick calculation in my head, then said, "That make up sex is the most dangerous, ya know?"

She giggled and sniffed. "Don't I _know_ it! I mean, we were always so careful, then that one time...and now he's not here and who knows what's going to happen?"

"Oh, buck up, Filia. Xelloss will be back. He's crazy about you, he'll love this baby to bits, you'll either be in the clan or not, but you'll be a family together. Just a little sooner than you'd planned, that's all!"

Sniff!

"Filia! Xelloss will be ecstatic when he finds out that he finally accomplished something worthwhile, and all on his own; that is, not counting your key role."

"Lina!" her tears crossed with laughter creating hiccups. "Yeah...hic...you're right."

"You bet I'm right! I'm always ... well, most always right. Now, do you want to call Xelloss and give him the good news, or..."

"I think I'll keep this a-a secret," Filia smiled with a cunning glint in her eye.

"Oh? Well, may I suggest we break it to him this way...?"

And we came up with a fun surprise for everyone, at the reunion party. And told stories. Everything could wait an hour while two old friends settled on a comfortable stroll down memory lane. Filia began with a Xelloss story.

"Okay, so we were at a practice, relaxing with drinks in hand, except for Xelly; his was resting on the head of a drum so he could wander around."

"Oh yeah, Xelloss was always restless."

"I bugged me for the longest time. But, I was more okay with it once I understood his medical condition."

"Funny how many annoyances you can get used to," I smiled at her. "That ADD stuff explained away most of his odd behavior. So, his soda was on his drum head...?"

"He was up and about the room for awhile, then he picked up the glass to finish the last half inch or so."

"I don't remember this. Where was I?" I asked.

"You and Val were practicing that duet of yours in another room."

"Oh, then this was a few years ago then..."

"Uh, huh. So, Xelly started to drink, but stopped before he swallowed when he noticed an odd soft 'thing' in his mouth."

"Was everyone else watching this?" I asked.

"No, they were practicing...or something. He didn't think I was watching him. I just couldn't help it! He was just so..."

"Weird?" I offered.

"Fascinating, Lina! Do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?"

"Go on..." You have to coddle Filia.

"Okay, so he spit out the 'thing' into his hand and looked it over. I couldn't tell what it was. It was small and brown and he placed it carefully on a cymbal. He was now captivated by the 'thing'. He watched in for several minutes. Then it started to move..."

Filia used a hand to mimic a spider doing pushups and trying to walk. "A spider?" I asked.

"Yeah, and it wasn't a soda, it was wine and the spider was drunk."

"And in shock from being nearly eaten alive, I'll bet."

Filia nodded, "It took awhile before it could get all its legs to work together and walk. Then Xelloss poked it with a pencil and it took off like a shot, rappelling down the cymbal and away." Filia sighed dreamily, "I miss having him near."

She was about to start crying again, so I decided not to comment upon Xelloss drinking wine at a practice, or anytime. I needed to change the topic. "Have you noticed Zel acting differently these days? I think he's demonstrated genuine feelings, without artifice or looking uncomfortable. Little things, ya know?"

She nodded and sniffed, "Yeah, I noticed him scampering around and whispering in Amelia's ear, sharing some secrets. Like that cute little 'hand over the heart' sign. They still exchange that?"

I grinned, "Cute, huh? They _still _do that when they don't think we're watching."

"It's so sweet to see our friends in love."

"That's right," I said. "I asked him point blank about that."

"No!"

"Yes, 'Do you love Amelia?' I asked him."

"What did he say?"

"He said, 'Yes I do, Lina.'"

"Wow..."

"Yeah, after years of avoiding and obfuscating, he finely admitted to me. So then I asked him how it felt."

Filia smiled, "I just can't imagine Zel-bob talking about romance."

"Yeah, well, me neither. What he said was this: 'Medically, you can eat a few ounces of chocolate and the resulting feeling of well-being and happiness is very nearly the same thing."

Filia laughed aloud, "Leave it to Zel-bob to take away all the mystery."

"Cut and dried, that's our Zel," I chuckled.

"With strong feelings like those, no wonder nothing's ever come of them," Filia giggled.

It sure felt good to have a light-hearted conversation and share a laugh with her again. And that was fortunate, because the date for our super, wonderful reunion party was closing in fast.

... very fast ...

... and there were so many things to do!

... and we had no word from any Cephied leadership, from anywhere, as to Xelloss' membership status!

... and Xelloss hadn't returned or called...

... and time was running out...

... and then suddenly...

... it was time...

From this point forward, I'm gonna tell this in the third person, but it's still me writing. I had to collect impressions from so many people to get this complete that it really turned out to be a composite, so bear with me and enjoy:

-------- T I M E W A R P --------

**Back** **to the ten year reunion party!**

-------- T I M E W A R P --------

Well, the Slayers were all gathered together at last. They were standing around eating tidbits and chatting at their party. Waiting just a while longer in hopes that Xelloss would magically appear on time. Val was changing CD's, when a loud 'Whap WHOOP Whap' noise nearly drowned it out.

"Helicopter?" Joey dashed to the door. "Yeah, it's Xelloss!"

Xelloss dashed through the entrance and into the room, where he paused only long enough to smooth his glossy hair with both hands. Filia's eyes tracked Xelloss like a cat a mouse, searching for clues as to his next move. He was looking a bit tired about the eyes but his clothes were hardly rumpled. He must have stopped and changed before coming. He strode forward resolutely, heading directly for Lina, not hesitating longer than to nod to Zel on the way. Of course, Filia was off at the side looking on and not in his line of sight.

Zelgadiss worked his way toward her and commented, "It will be all right, Filia."

"Naturally," she said. She looked determined, jaw set, but her fists clenched and released repeatedly with anxiety.

Gourry's folks found a place to stand off at one side near the White Shrine priest, who was, after all, his father-in-law. A few more figures entered and ducked into he shadows, but then all was quiet and still. Everyone's attention was fixed upon the two friends as time slowed to a stand still. Their lives were put on hold while Xelloss and Lina resolved a past pledge.

Xelloss had made it. He was striding purposefully toward Lina, fresh from a shower. She could smell the lavender from his shampoo as he drew close. Xelloss stood over Lina, holding her hand. He spoke to her. Filia could see his lips move, but nothing else. Lina smiled, though, in response to what Xelloss had said.

Zelgadiss gave Amelia a strange look communicating in the secret language of lovers, then they both looked over at Filia.

Val had moved closer to Lina, close enough that he could hear what was transpiring, then he looked Filia's way. Val's eyes slid from Lina to Xelloss to Filia wondering if both young ladies and his friend would be able to hold up under the stress. Lina seemed cool, but then she had the power to change people's lives. To Val, his friend Xelloss appeared on the verge of another nervous attack and Filia looked ill.

Val's eyes darted around the room to catch movement by the doors. He recognized Milgasia and his wife step into the room, then Rezo and Mrs. Shearer, and Nels Lahda and his wife enter the hall with Mayor Phil nearby to greet them. Gourry's folks entered quietly and stood by the door. They were followed by Filia's parents, and with them came Luna. Luna's face seemed relaxed as she passed by the others to stand near Milgasia. She spoke to the clan leader in a low voice and they nodded.

At that, Val relaxed. He stepped forward stealthily, coming to a stop somewhat behind Lina. He could just barely hear her voice.

"Oh, for gods'sakes Xelloss this is so stupid. Go over and marry the mother of your future child, oh and while yer at it..." Lina paused in her speech to remove Zelas' ring from the chain on her neck. At the same time Xelloss' eyes widened slightly, her information suddenly sinking in. His mouth fell lax.

"Here," Lina's voice snapping his attention to what she was offering him, "I won't be needing this any more. I bet it will even fit her finger."

Xelloss' eyes were riveted to the glittering object dangling from Lina's hand a moment before she dropped the heavy gold and ruby ring into his cool, dry palm. Lina winked at him then flashed a smile at Filia.

Xelloss regained the use of his jaw and whispered, "Thank you," and then gave her tiny fingers a gentle squeeze. His smile widened and he suppressed an excited giggle as he turned his violet eyes toward the object of his affections.

Val automatically glanced over at Filia. He understood what was going on, but did she?

"Zelgadiss," Amelia, unable to make out what was going on between Xelloss and Lina, whispered in his ear. "Look who's here. Your father's here...and Mr. Gourry's folks."

"Yes and now Luna. She looks...relieved. I believe that's good news."

"Oh I do too. Oh! Xelloss looks happy, see? Go get over and see if Mr. Xelloss needs you."

Zel raised an eyebrow, "I don't think he needs me now, Amelia. This part I know he can do by himself. He's had practice."

Both he and Amelia looked over at Filia simultaneously.

Everyone was looking at Filia.

In a few strides Xelloss was at her side. Without a word he wrapped her in his arms and pressed her close. "I love you," he whispered in her ear, trailed quickly by an excited, "Is it true? We're going to have a baby?"

He felt her nod. "Oh my..." he squeezed her harder.

He pulled back so as to see her face. "Make me the happiest man in the world and say you'll marry me?"

Filia blushed. It was such a public proposal. "Yes, I'd love to."

And that was it. No matter what. Let the clan and shrine just deal with it. It was time to do something for themselves.

Amelia hopped up and down, "Yay! At last!"

Zelgadiss couldn't contain his joy much better than her, as he ran up to his best friend and gave him an affectionate hug, "Congratulations, big brother."

Xelloss was crying. "I am so unimaginably happy..." He looked into Zel's eyes and told him, "I'm gonna be a dad, Zel!"

And Zel was so thrilled, that he restrained himself from pointing out to Xelloss that his best friend had just called him by his common nickname, 'Zel.' He could do that later. "That's terrific. Really...great news, Xel."

And Xelloss was so excited that he decided he would hold off and not point out that his friend had just called him by his childhood nickname that sounded just too similar to his friend's. "Yeah," he returned with a grin. "Isn't it?"

Xelloss looked deeper into his best friend's eyes and tried to read his expression. "There's something else. Something you want to tell me?"

Zel nodded, but before he could say anything, Filia interrupted.

"Um," Filia pulled Xelloss back toward her. "I told Milgasia I'd be leaving the clan if they didn't wasn't to include you. I mean, if the clan didn't think you were fit to join, then I wasn't going to stay. We can live on Wolfpack Island, if we want to. I just wanted us to be together and, well, if you hadn't asked me just now, I was going to ask you."

Xelloss laughed, "Oh well...as long as it all worked out, right..."

The poor man was just overcome with delight and couldn't stand still. His excitement threatened to turn the entire party into fiasco. Everywhere he danced, little eddies of joy agitated and sent a-swirl laughter and good will, which grew into currents of rejoicing and emotional triumph.

"Filia's going to marry me!" Xelloss shouted joyously to everyone who hadn't already heard the news. "And I'm gonna be a dad! We're having a baby!"

Filia blushed. "Oh gods..." she sighed to Amelia at her side. "I hadn't even told my parents. This will go over great."

Gourry collected Xelloss, delivering a firm handshake, "Congratulations, Xelloss. Get some sleep while ya can."

"Sleep? Who needs sleeeeeeep?" Xelloss began to sing.

Luna called a halt to the chaos and fervor. "If I could just have your attention for a moment, Milgasia and I have a short announcement."

Those words brought instant sobriety even to Xelloss.

"Xelloss, come over here by Lina and Milgasia and me, okay?" Luna smiled patiently at him.

"As you wish," Xelloss said as he joined the group.

"I'll make this short and to the point. We are here to award you two with a very unique clan membership. This includes a small ceremony, so bear with us everyone.

"Two?" was echoed by a multitude of voices around the room.

Milgasia pulled a Golden Cephied clan seal ring from his pocket, "Xelloss, I would like to congratulate you this day. You have gained an honorary membership into our clan. It gives you all the rights and privileges of a full clan member, but comes with fewer responsibilities. Those are for you to carry out in your position as a White Shrine priest."

"That's...possible?" Xelloss gasped.

Milgasia rolled his eyes, "It is now. When Ms Luna said 'unique' she wasn't joking. These awards are two of a kind never known before."

Xelloss looked to Filia, eyes shining with tears, "Look." He held the ring so that she could see its sparkling gold. "Wanna get married right away?" He was irrepressible at this point.

"Sure," Filia smiled. Why fight it? Wedding ceremonies were important events, but small affairs for the clan anyway.

"Right now?" Xelloss grinned. "You can do that, can't you? Nels? How about it? Just a few words, how about it? We have a lawyer and the Mayor here to file the legal papers."

Milgasia sighed loudly as a chuckle swept the room. "Believe it or not, we figured something like this might happen-- thank you Zelgadiss-- so we came prepared."

"I even brought the papers with me!" Amelia pointed to her tote bag. "Right in there!"

"Wonderful," Xelloss purred. "Oh, and I guess I didn't need this after all."

"What's that?" Luna asked, closing in on the object he was dangling from a chain. It held a fascination all it's own.

"The Volphied Clan Elder felt that I should be a member of their organization, seeing as I had freed them from the evil of the syndicate and lavished wealth beyond their wildest dreams upon them. So, his is another charm to add to my clan collection, eh?"

"Un...believable," Milgasia gasped.

"Certainly a singular confluence here today," agreed Luna.

"So, can I get married now?" Xelloss asked, chipper as ever.

"I won't stop you, but hold on... Before that, please, my turn," Luna shouted over the din of other voices. "I said there would be two awards and there will be. Now, this took a little research. One of the items hidden away for years within Val's mother's trunk was this." She held up a white, metallic ring with a decorative crest. "This is the only original surviving seal from the Ancient clan. Amazing isn't it? How it came to be with us today is even more amazing, I think.

"All those lost souls and a temple filled with stockpiles of materials, but no clan pendants or seals anyplace but this one which Val Agares' mother placed for safe keeping within a document-tomb before fleeing her destroyed home. It was hidden away in a folded parchment labeled 'Valentine', with a copy of his birth certificate. Beside it lay similar envelopes, each with significant legal papers, for each of their other children and personal papers... like their marriage certificate. All important enough to be placed in a restricted room carved out of solid rock.

"At what point in time they had a chest-- or perhaps chests, one for each of their children, we don't know since we only have the one today—created to hold particular clan mementos and keepsakes and engraved with the secret directions where the archives dwelled. Later, it was one of these chests that Val's mother gave to her only remaining son.

We know where the chest had come from, because Val remembered the nightmarish day he and his mother were taken from their home in the temple above their burning settlement. A man soon to become his stepfather, the man known to us all as Gaav, allowed Val's mother to retrieve the chest and bring it along. Perhaps he had hoped it contained priceless jewels and treasure. In any case, Gaav plundered the chest looking for riches and found nothing. He missed the map the kids used later to discover the Ancient weapon's hiding place. And he missed the clues to the whereabouts of the Ancient Clan's archive, and many treasures including this ring. Pure platinum. It bears the seal of the Ancient clan."

Where Xelloss had agitated the overall mood to the near-delirium level, Val's interaction with Luna bordered on dignified and awe inspiring. Everyone 'ooh-ed and ah-ed' over the discovery until Luna waved them to silence again.

"Now for the best part. With Val Agares' approval, the Supreme Council had a near-duplicate created, in a larger, man's size for Val to wear. Mr. Agares," Luna turned to Val, indicating that he should claim ownership of the ring. "Wear this ring proudly. You are now in the unique position of belonging to two clans of the _Cephied_ nation simultaneously.

The tall man took the ring and slid it over his knuckles, "Yeah, cool, huh?" he smiled and waved it for all to see.

Amid cheers, he asked, "But what about the other one? Is it okay if..."

"Eh, eh, eh! Let me finish now, Val, and make it all official," Luna stopped him with a force known mostly to her kid sister.

"Yeah, sure..." Val looked at Lina and shrugged his shoulders.

"What's going on?" Gourry whispered to Zelgadiss as he and Sylphiel moved closer in.

"I have no idea," Zel answered honesty.

Luna cleared her throat and the room fell to silence. "Actually, I have a third award to grant today. Lina? I would like to present to you an honorary membership into the Ancient Cepheid clan. As with Xelloss', it grants you all the rights and privileges, with limited responsibilities, which you can carry out from your work at the university."

"But this belongs to you, Val. Are you okay with all of this?" Lina questioned him before touching the invaluable treasure Luna offered her.

"It was my idea, Lina." Val took the ring from Luna and knelt on both knees before Lina, making him only a few inches shorter than her. "I'd like you to wear this for all you've done for me and my family and for helpin' me develop my land and...and..."

Flushed with embarrassment from Val's outward show of emotion, Lina began to turn away. She met Luna's gaze and froze. No retreat; it was time to face the future. Lina whipped around and said to him, "Sure, okay, I'd be happy to...er... I'd be proud to wear this... You know that... It's just that you're creepin' me out down there and all."

She reached for the ring, but he grasped and held her hand firmly, causing her to lock eyes with him.

"I wasn't quite done," he said quietly.

Lina could feel his shaking through his hand. He was nervous and she guessed what was coming. What would she say to him?

"You know that I l-love ya, Li, and have since the day I first watched you writin' under that tree by the skate park. Everythin' I got is yours, even me-- when ya want me. You know you'll always have the freedom ta come an' go as you like, as long as you come home ta me in the end. I'm askin' you here to marry me and share our future together."

Lina couldn't breathe. She couldn't believe that he was doing this. She couldn't believe it was all real. "Is that the only way I'm gonna get my hands on that ring, by saying yes?" she asked.

It sounded harsh, but from where Val was, he could see the humor in her eyes.

"Just about," he answered, casting her a genuine smile.

This was all about face-saving for Lina; Val knew that. He also knew that he was going a bit overboard, but Lina often liked to be the center of attention, and now there was no opportunity for a change of tactics. It was all on the line. It was up to Lina, but she'd need a little more persuasion, he could tell. This was no time to let his ego get in the way of progress.

"Say yes," Val begged, a catch in his voice. "Please, Li, just say yes."

A little soft sound escaped her throat as she stared into Val's intense golden-hued eyes. Whatever it was that she was feeling, some craziness, was filling her up and making her dizzy, almost faint with something like hunger. Those eyes, those seductive narrow eyes of gold, Val's, right now they pierced into a place that she didn't know she had.

How could you tell, what was the dictionary definition, what was the compass direction that let you know where you were, let you know if it was love who's territory you'd entered? There should be a sign over the gate, at the turnoff, the corner, somewhere to let you know, some kind of clear-cut indication that it was True Love, or not. But, there wasn't, and yet Lina knew that this was something she didn't mind feeling and something she wanted to continue feeling. She could work out the latitude and longitude later. He made her feel a thing she had protected herself against for so long and at one time believed that she would never feel. The total, selfless, deepest love for a man a woman could know. And that was all that mattered, in the end.

"Oh well, in that case, yeah, sure... why not, eh?" she chuckled nervously.

The rest of the folks in the room were paralyzed with shock. Had Val just proposed to Lina, and had Lina just accepted?

Lina gave Val's hand a little tug and he stood up partway, enough to kiss her for all to see he'd laid claim to Lina's heart. Amelia was the first to come out of her stunned state. She skipped up to Lina and wrapped her in a hug from behind, "Oh, Lina! I'm so happy for you. Both you and Filia finding true love and getting married!"

"And you aretoo."

All eyes turned toward that voice, Zel's.

Lina asked nudged Amelia, "What does Zel mean? Amelia, are you engaged to someone?"

"Oh, I get it!" Xelloss laughed, "And they called me the secretive one!"

"She's engaged to me," Zel stated. "We were waiting for the right moment to tell everyone."

Val met eyes with Xelloss, "Heh, you were waitin' for him to get settled, is what you mean."

Zel smiled, but said nothing.

"Me, too," Val admitted. "Didn't seem _ap-pro-pre-ate _when he an' Fil were all messed up."

"So, all it took was for Xelloss here ta get settled with Filia once an' for all an' everyone else could?" Gourry asked with a half smile. He smiled more and looked down into Sylphiel's eyes for approval, the added, "Well, then we gotta little announcement of our own, too. We're five months away from the birth of our 3rd child."

There were many cheers and cries of good luck passed back and forth between the Slayers and their family members.

"By the way," Lina found Xelloss and smiled. "You think you can part from a secret and tell me how you knew Val's trunk was the clue to this treasure?"

"Ahhhh, well yes... I'm afraid it wasn't really any special talent of mine. It was a premonition of Subaru's. I had been telling him about the Ancient clan lands and Val and...you..." His eyes smiled as her eyebrows rose. "And he had this weird feeling and then he told me to have to check the chest.

Further discussion was cut off as Nahga rushed up to them both and drew them into an uncomfortably tight hug, "Oh, ho,ho,ho,hoooooo, welcome to the family!"

"Huh?" both Xelloss and Lina gasped.

"My little sister just gave me the good news. She's marrying that cute little Zelgadiss guy. Isn't he your brother?" she looked to Xelloss for his weak confirmation, then turned to Lina and asked, "Isn't he Val's brother too?"

The blood rushed from Lina's face. Oh. She hadn't thought that far. Although they weren't blood brothers, Val was Rezo's foster son. She would be related to Nahga... (shudder!) Zolf... (sigh...) Filia... (gulp!) Xelloss (shiver!) Amelia... (okay, I can deal with that...) and... Zel (?). "Noooooooooooo!" she screamed and ran around like a crazed woman.

"Ah now, Li, calm down," Val growled at he captured her in his arms and trapped her. "It's not like anything will be any different, you know that. We all have been family fer years now. Nothin's likely to be different."

"Guess not..." she murmured not wanting to twist away.

Zel was amused. _So, had The Wild Lina finally been tamed?_

...Party...To be continued...

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Twenty-one.


	22. On Chaos and Order

**–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-11**

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

**

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Two: On Chaos and Order **

Theme Revisited: On Chaos and Order

It is said that a butterfly flapping its wings in Seyruun can cause a tornado in the Outer World. While this is an overstatement, it illustrates how small changes can have very unpredictable effects with major consequences on the world at large.

In real life situations, this is similar to a group of people coming together for a meeting, or in the case of the Seyruun High Jinx series, a convergence of a very special group of young people with the result of that impact altering and improving their world for all time.

* * *

Kiki rushed to greet Amelia first, towing a blushing, handsome Tombo. "This is all so exciting! I do not know who to kiss first!" 

"Me! Me!" Xelloss cried out from over Amelia's head.

Filia smacked him on the back, and with a chuckle said, "I'm right next to you, you know!"

Zelgadiss had told him his reputation was that of a philanderer and that he owed Filia better behavior. He had told him that more than once, but it stuck this last time. Xelloss recognized immediately that he'd been out of line, even in jest, and apologized sincerely, "Sorry, Filly...really."

Joey had been hunting for a particular face in the crowd, luckily he was taller than most, and so, spotted the girl-of-choice the moment she entered the room. "Cary!" he shouted and leaped to action.

"Joey?" replied a gorgeous creature upon hearing her name.

"Yeah, ah...hi!" Joey's cheeks grew pink and there was no way that he could hide his interest and pleasure at her arrival. "I'm really glad you made it. Want me to introduce you around?"

Xelloss was 'charmed', Filia 'likewise'; Zel 'pleased', Amelia 'so happy to meet you'; Gourry and Sylphiel were both 'glad to see ya again.' Lina's eye's grew round like saucers while Val grinned, "Yo."

Joey was school-boy happy. "I know you know Cary. I really wanna thank you for introducing us, Val. It was the best day of my life. We have this mutual interest in...lots of things..."

"Like writing, right?" the striking girl saved young Joey from blubbering like an idiot.

Yes, Joey had met his match this time.

"Glad it all worked out for the both of ya," Val said.

"And to think, it all started with that letter, didn't it professor?" Cary aimed at Lina.

Lina nodded, "Ah, yeah...sure."

Joey and Cary then turned away to grab some snacks. Lina found her voice and said to Val, "You introduced Carol to Joey?"

"Yeah, heh...heh..." Val snickered. "Couldn't have some girl writin' me love letters with you readin' them over my shoulder, could I? Figured, it would solve a coupla problems at the same time if they'd latch on to one another. Worked, didn't it?"

Lina smiled. How clever of Val! He got rid of his temptress and competition in one act of kindness. "Sure did. You are just too good, ya know that?"

"Umm, that's sounds naughty!" Nahga spoke up from Lina's side. "Ohhhh, ho ho ho hoooo!"

"Oh, hi Nahga," Lina exhaled.

"Hi yerself. Listen, I just _heard _that Zelgadiss and my baby sister are gonna get married today, with Xelloss and Filia! They're over there asking if they would mind, right now."

But what Nahga had 'overheard' went more like this:

"But, Amelia," Zel shook his head. "I know that you've been dreaming of a huge wedding with all the...trimmings for years..."

"Since I was five. I know, but...that's not so important to me any more, I guess. Nahga was right, I'm old enough to do what I want, but sensitive enough to take you into consideration as well. Besides, this is far more romantic, don't you think? Mr. Xelloss and you getting married..."

"Ah...don't put it that way. Try... _us and them_ getting married on the same day. Well, its fine with me, you know that... Even if it is one of your sister's craziest ideas, it makes sense with our complicated schedules to just take advantage of the fact that we're already gathered together today."

"I know you don't like big occasions with you front in center, so this will be short and sweet. Come on, let's see if Filia and Mr. Xelloss will mind, okay?" Amelia reminded her fiancée.

"Fine. I guess it would be more considerate that way," Zel agreed and together, he and Amelia wove their way through the crowd to their other friends.

Her part done with Zel and Amelia, had Nahga left to seek out Lina and Val, whom she consequently fed a similar line of reasoning, then waited nearby to see if it would take.

Val caught Lina's eyes a moment.

"What are you thinking?" Lina asked.

"It probably wouldn't work anyway," Val muttered and looked askance at his stepfather's back in the distance.

"Sure it would."

His eyes shifted back to Lina. "Yeah? You'd be okay with it and all?"

"I guess; that is, if we're talking about the same thing here," Lina replied. "We are, aren't we?"

Val plunged in, "Get married right now, with the others, right?"

She nodded, "Yeah. But...with one concession."

"Which is..?"

"I wanna reception party at the spa for all of us...when we got the time...say...in December at winter break, 'kay?"

Val kissed her on the mouth and sighed, "Anythin', Li..."

Lina broke away a tad breathless. "Ah...o...kay...then... We'd better see if the others are okay with it too."

Not long after that, Zolf located his wife and asked, "Well, did it work?"

Nahga nodded to her handsome husband, "Easier than I thought. How did you know it would?"

Zolf laughed, "I know those guys and I know that as much as they like to perform on stage, they are terrified of standing in front of a wedding crowd."

"Yeah, and this way none of them will have time to over-think what's going on and back out or anything," Nahga smiled slyly. "We are so good together..." she purred.

Zolf swept her into a clinch and kissed her hungrily, "Ummm... yeah..."

And that is why, a few minutes later, Milgasia, Luna, and Nels Lahda were conducting a most unusual nuptial ceremony for three close, but distinctly separate couples. Not, I repeat, not because of what the rumors have said. It was **not** so that Xelloss and Val would have Zelgadiss to remind them of their anniversaries when the date would roll around. No!

Following the wedding ceremonies, the groups of friends and family coalesced by the buffet then found their ways over to the tables. Time to eat, drink, and be merry! And then, after a short time, it was also time for some speeches and discussion.

Mayor Philonel parted from Amelia and Zel's side and stepped up to a podium to speak. He raised an arm to silence the group, "Ladies and gentleman...thank you. It is my deepest pleasure to see you all. Today we have a very unusual gathering of old friends; at least I've come to think of all of you as my oldest and most treasured friends. It is good to see you all here for this momentous occasion. So, how do I begin? Milgasia, would you like to begin with a few words?"

Milgasia joined the mayor at the podium. "Thank you, Phil. Good afternoon, it is still afternoon, correct? Well, of late several of us have been doing some deep thinking, we think ground-breaking. It began with a conversation I once had with Xelloss and his good friend Zelgadiss about chaos theory, something, I understand, the late physicist Dr. Metallium had been studying. Then recent occurrences made me consider its application to a problem we were having, but I needed some experts in other areas to pull it all together. I'd like Professor Greywords to begin with some of his thoughts."

Rezo came foreword and began, "Chaos Theory. What is that man talking about?"

Chuckles. The professor was comfortable in this setting and quickly got down to the task of lecturing his rapt audience.

"Well, I can tell you all that 'Chaos often breeds life, while order breeds habit.' This observation by Henry Adams is profound for a number of reasons. On the one hand, it emphasizes the ability of complex structures (life) to be derived from simple ones (e.g. sperm and egg). The discovery of this truth in scientific terms earned Dr. Metallium a nomination for the Nobel Prize for Physics."

The mention of Xelloss' father for the second time in that many minutes caused a murmur of surprise. Rezo thought that everyone present, Xelloss included, should know this other side of the man a little better now that the passage of time had softened their memories of his evil activities, and so, pointed his next remarks in his general direction.

"Yes, your father was a very fine physicist, Xelloss, and we should try and recognize him for those achievements. You see, chaos is often thought of as utter confusion, pandemonium, havoc, or disarray. However, in mathematics, Chaos Theory deals with the unpredictable and apparently random behavior of systems, which are extremely sensitive to infinitesimal changes at the start. Chaos can thus lead to novelty, innovativeness, and uniqueness (the latter which implies value). In this way, we can think of Chaos as our friend, just as you may think of Xelloss, here, as your unpredictable and apparently random friend."

Again, the audience laughed lightly.

"But chaos and unpredictability make most of us uncomfortable. People tend to like stability, especially as we get older and especially as we establish institutions, like universities and shrines. We scientists prefer the comfort of determinism, where everything occurs as a result of immutable general laws. This, strangely enough, justified the Law of Karma (i.e. cause and effect), or the idea that our lives are the result of karma"

Lina broke into a raucous laugh and pounded her buddy, Zel, on the back, "Some of our lives are!"

Zel blushed and sighed under the gazes of so many people, "Lina..."

Rezo chuckled and continued, "But with spontaneous events occurring, it is inherently impossible to determine in advance the outcome of certain events. There are times in which 'causes' will not yield, even in principle, precise effects. That is to say, the Law of Karma is broken in the case of for instance… one very specific example would be forgiveness crime committed rather than the receipt of just punishment."

"Or in Zel's case, whenever Amelia walks into the room..." Xelloss interjected.

Rezo sighed, "I may never get this speech finished."

Xelloss gave him a lopsided smile he knew the man could feel even though he couldn't see it, "Sorry!"

"Nevertheless," Rezo went on relentlessly, "...science continues to plod on in its quest to determine all outcomes. It seeks a world which is repetitive and reversible, where universal laws always govern, and knowing those laws allows one to always predict what happens next. We want to control (or at least know) the outcome beforehand, but we just plain can't!"

Rezo turned toward where he'd last heard Xelloss and paused, as if awaiting some comment. Xelloss comically shook his head furiously back and forth mouthing, 'not me!'

Hearing mostly silence, the professor continued, "Let's say, Gourry's business reduces several buildings to piles of bricks. What will those bricks now become? Out of the same bricks we may construct a factory, a palace, or a cathedral. The building as a whole can be seen as a creature of time, as a product of a culture, a society, a style… something unique and specific. We can refer to this as: the cathedral versus the pile of bricks, the specific and unique versus the repetitive and the universal, the inner versus the outer, the abstract versus the concrete, perpetual movement (process) versus rest, quality versus quantity, timeless principles versus culture-bound, mental strife and self-transformation as a permanent condition of man versus the possibility of (or desire for) peace, order, final harmony and the satisfaction of all rational human wishes. Chaos versus order."

"Yes, chaos as opposed to order... Some scientist I am! Look at what I am responsible for, at least in part– my three 'sons' Valentine, Xelloss, and Zelgadiss. The only **_order _**to them is _alphabetical_!"

This earned Rezo a round of applause and outright laughter.

"Who'da guessed our dear 'dad' was a comedian?" Xelloss snickered to Zel behind his hand. "He's got the crowd behind him you can tell. I mean, his material is pretty dry, don't you think?"

Shaking with suppressed laughter, Zel needed both Amelia and Xelloss' to bolster him on either side so that he didn't double over with mirth. Zel was relieved. The day's outcome has surpassed his hopes. All his friends were jubilant and he was surrounded by their support and love. His father could tell 'knock-knock' jokes and he'd be laughing.

"All right, back to chaos theory," his father coughed for attention. "In a profoundly stunning concept, Prigogine and Stengers, both colleagues of your father, Xelloss, wrote: 'Systems are highly sensitive to fluctuations. This leads both to hope and a threat: **hope,** since even small fluctuations may grow and change the overall structure. As a result, individual activity is not doomed to insignificance. On the other hand, this is also a **threat,** since in our universe the security of stable, permanent rules seems gone forever.'

"I'm sure all present in this room can agree with me when I say that we are living in a dangerous and uncertain world that inspires no blind confidence. And--no one has found any way to escape this prediction. However, as nearly as one can estimate, these fluctuations give space a 'multiply connected' character. In other words, all **things in the universe are connected**."

Milgasia broke in, "That's right. And what I learned was that the natural world we see about us usually has an enormous number of interacting parts which inherently defy predictability."

"That's exactly right. And what's important to note, there is a world of difference between a random process and a chaotic process. In a random process there are no connecting links. Every event is completely isolated from every other event. No life can emerge from randomness. Chaos, although appearing very similar, is fundamentally different. In chaotic networks there are **connections **between the parts with several inherent characteristics which emerge from those connections and help us to understand the world about us and form the foundation of a vision that can greatly enhance human life."

"So...chaos is a good thing," Gourry surmised. "Hey, Xelloss, hear that?"

Xelloss shook his head and looked down shyly, "Maybe, but it's all pretty stressful."

Taking his cue from Xelloss' words, Rezo nodded, "Ah, yes, as when a complex system becomes stressed, it becomes unstable. Human beings experience this as anxiety, fear, and stress. As the stress increases, a human being at first compensates and attempts to reestablish reliability. These kinds of changes are gradual, predictable, moderate and incremental. Institutions may fight back, but over time they must adapt or grow stale and fail their purposes. Or, to look at it another way, it would be like entering the vortex of a tornado, the system experiences this movement as chaotic and, in human terms, terrifying while inside the cone but from outside, we can see that the vortex does have form and boundaries."

"Ha!" Lina piped up with enthusiasm. "I always thought of you as a dark storm cloud on our horizon, Xelloss!"

"A dark cone of swirling power, yeah, that about describes the inside of his head," Val poked Xelloss in the ribs.

"Why is everybody picking on me?" Xelloss whined, but ended with a chuckle at the friendly kidding.

"Because you are the cause of all the changes," Filia explained.

"Like that butterfly!" Sylphiel added.

Xelloss wrinkled up his nose, "Butterfly? Come on now...dark cones...butterflies..."

"Indeed!" Rezo's voice rose above the multitude. "And so... chaos is not really chaos, exactly. Unless," he smiled in the direction of where he had heard his kids' whisperings, "You ever visited my house eleven or so years ago…"

He paused to let the chuckles peter out. "But if these adjustments fail to work and the system does not re-stabilize, the continued perturbation will propel movement toward a decision point, a critical choice, Robert Frost's "two paths" diverging in a wood, for instance. There may be many possible options at each fork in the road and the consequence is that the future becomes unpredictable, although not random.

"Now, if turbulence continues, at a certain point, one fork in the road is chosen, and that fork leads to 'second order change' which is described as turbulent, chaotic, sudden, dramatic, 'transformative', and unpredictable , as seen in the work of Dr. McClure. Transit through this chaotic, turbulent process, may lead to increased complexity or to regression/disintegration: to life or to death. The change of a caterpillar into a butterfly is an example of this kind of change-- or, any one of my sons into a man."

Zelgadiss blushed as the others laughed, grumbling in an aside to Xelloss, "Thanks to him… and you…"

"So we were nasty caterpillars too?" Xelloss moaned amid the laughter.

Rezo, amused by the kid's banter, quipped, "Only you. To continue... We know intimately about the power of applying stress to a system, while watching that system – individual, family or group – attempt to re-stabilize itself using tried and true methods, or defenses, only to become overwhelmed and enter a period of chaos out of which may or may not come positive change and growth. Zelgadiss, You were telling me just the other night about the building tension in the psychiatric field, between those who favor doing whatever it takes to stabilize a patient – drugs, restraint, punishment – and those who see strategic and creative possibilities within the chaos. Maybe you'd like to illuminate everyone here with those thoughts?"

Zel's head turned. Amelia urged and Xelloss pushed him to his feet. "All right, guys... That's... let's see... Right. I'll try and put this into the terminology you've been using today. Some say that the proper role for therapy is to be a safe container for the chaos of the patient's experience, despite the disruptions of ordinary life events. The therapy would alternate between provoking enough anxiety to propel the person into the vortex of change while soothing anxiety that is threatening to overwhelm them. The intent being to force regressive solutions. I believe, however, that a better solution is one in which there is enough turbulence to edge people toward change, toward that critical turning point, while providing a safe enough container so that the choices are somewhat constrained. This would deter a deterioration of the patient into chaos. We promote that turbulence through the work of psychotherapy, through the everyday friction of social interaction, and through planned interventions. And then we try and contain the turbulence by presenting a clear value system and a coherent practice, based on the principles that we all agree to share as a way of life."

"So you try and con-tain Xelloss enough so that he continues to play drums in the band but doesn't get out of hand or become a druggie? That whatcha mean?" Val chuckled.

"I am _so_ not the sole origin of chaos in our small circle of friends," Xelloss poked Val in the arm.

Milgasia chuckled, "That's right; it's not all about you, Xelloss, just mostly."

Rezo cleared his throat to go on, "**As I** was saying, about _connections_… and how they affect the changes imposed upon a system and differentiate chaos from randomness... Because there are links between the parts of a large system, they will be attracted together. Imagine a flying saucer hovering over the city of Seyruun. The travelers within the craft would see chaos. People, cars, buses, bicycles and even airplanes would be moving seemingly unpredictably in all directions, crossing paths without any apparent patterns. In fact there is enormous organization within the seeming chaos. There are many attractors. People are drawn to schools, shrines, clans, work places, clubs and much more. They are all drawn to the attractor but the way that happens is not predictable."

"If we take the Great White Shrine as an example, we find it has existed as a stable entity for many years. They own a building, have a leader, secretary, treasurer and committee, organize regular gatherings and speakers and other events. But, the history of the shrine is far from predictable. There have been alterations to the building, a succession of different people on the committee and those holding office, differing speakers and events. The membership of the society has waxed and waned over those years, sometimes being more successful than at others."

"Strange attractors need a flow of energy through them, in order to maintain an ongoing stability, but that stability changes over time and indeed the attractor can disappear, often very abruptly. There is no certainty that the Great White Shrine of Seyruun will still be functioning in a week's time."

"Although I for one do hope so," Nels Lahda remarked with a laugh.

"Sounds like Lina is one of those attractors you're talking about," Gourry remarked to the professor. "I mean, besides Xelloss."

"I think you're right, Gourry. Although Xelloss is the strangest one."

Milgasia rose again and added, "Indeed, there are strange attractors all around us, I've discovered. If we look at water running over rocks in a stream, we see a constant flow of water past the rocks. The water takes a shape, determined by the interactions of the water as it flows around the obstacles caused by the rocks. Provided the water flow is constant and the rocks are not moved, the shape of the water flow remains stable. As soon as the water flow or rocks are changed, the shape of the attractor changes."

"So, if you got this room full of dudes and chicks and nobody does anything, then nothin's going down," Val summed it up. "That's obvious."

"Well, unless you walk in," Xelloss piped up. "Then we's gots us a **_repeller _**in action."

He and Val exchanged good-natured punches while their friends laughed.

"What Xelloss has pointed out," Rezo broke in, "is that a repeller is the opposite of an attractor. Rather than drawing-in anything nearby, it repels them. If a **person acts obnoxiously** and selfishly, other people will tend to avoid them. They will become isolated and less able to interact with other people who could help them. A repeller reduces the likelihood of self organization happening, for instance."

Val pushed Xelloss, "Yeah chaos-dude, and if it wasn't for me an' Gourry and Zel over there, the whole band idea would never have happened. I ain't no 're-pel-ler!"

Rezo tried to take back his floor, "Right, also if an attractor loses its ability to attract, a system will reach a point where there is a choice of keeping the existing attractor or moving to a new one. This point is the point of bifurcation– that fork-in-the-road I spoke of before– which can force change very suddenly and dramatically."

"Your lives have been buffeted by the harsh winds of change numerous times. Luckily, you have always found your ways back to the calm. And from there, somehow, you kids have found the keys to happiness in the end– the loves of your lives," Milgasia put in.

Rezo nodded his head, "Ah, keys...yes...I was telling Milgasia about the Edge of Chaos, when he told me a story. It's very illustrative. Would you retell it now?"

"Certainly, thank you," the tall blonde leader of the clan smiled slightly and took the floor. "There is an old Sufi ,or _tasawwuf_ as it is called in Arabic, story. Ah, Sufism is generally understood by scholars and Sufis to be the inner, mystical, or psycho-spiritual dimension of Islam. Well, they have a story that goes like this:

_There was a person who came across a man looking around under a streetlight. The person asked what he was looking for and was told it was a key._

_'So, did you lose it somewhere near this light?' the person asked._

_'No, I lost it by the fence, but it's too dark over **there**.'_

Rezo paused to let the story sink in and sip at his cup of water. "I'll grant you that this sounds very silly as we tell it, but in actual fact we all act like this every day. Because the keys to life we seek are in the dark, unknown, chaotic parts of our world, we tend to remain in the light, comfortable ordered parts of the world we already know. In actual fact, we seek not one key but many keys to life. To seek keys under the light where we are already proficient is not an effective strategy. We will only find what we have already found. To go off into the total darkness in search of keys is also not effective. But, there is an edge where there is just enough darkness that we have not been there before, and just enough light to still make out the shape of a key. This is the Edge of Chaos. It is the most effective and productive place for us to be. As we find the key in the half light, half dark regions, the lamp grows stronger shifting the Edge of Chaos further and further into the dark chaos. This tells us that the keys to life we seek are to be found in the dark unknown chaos of our lives, or as it is stated in 'When the Dragon Stirs' (MacGill 1995): 'The dragon is the pathway to peace.'"

Rezo started again, "This does not mean that the chaos becomes increasingly ordered, so finally all is order. Rather the chaos moves from being fear, denied and demonized, to being integrated into everyday life."

"Indeed," Mayor Philonel now entered the discussion. "There seems to be a connection between the Chinese concept of **Yin and Yang** and that of order and chaos. If a system has too much Yin, it will develop more Yang and if it has too much Yang, it will develop Yin. Similarly a system that has become too clogged with order and organization will develop chaos and in a system that is too chaotic, order and organization will emerge.

"It is said that a butterfly flapping its wings in Seyruun can cause a tornado in the Outer World. While this is an overstatement it clearly demonstrates how small changes can have very unpredictable effects that have a major effect on the system. In real life situations, this is similar to a group of people coming together to meet."

Rezo nodded, "That is correct, mayor, but if there were not enough connections, not enough information being shared, then the system does not work at its maximum effectiveness. Similarly, if there are too many connections, then too much time becomes spent maintaining the connections and much irrelevant information is collected. That's what always has impressed me about these kids. There is a proportion of connections between the individuals of this group which makes it optimally effective."

"The band's always best when we get just the right mix," Gourry pointed out. "Least, I always thought so."

"Yeah, ya got that straight!" Lina agreed. "Nothing scientific about that."

"Perhaps you're right, Lina," Rezo acknowledged, "but Dr. Metallium showed that a mathematically calculated proportion was the same proportion as that of neurons to neuron links in our brain and the same as the proportion that produced the optimal effectiveness in group work. At this critical level, systems become self adapting and higher orders of organization appear as if by magic."

"I always thought there was something magical about us," Amelia said to Zel, then kissed his hand which she'd been holding in a secure grip.

Rezo smiled at the warmth of affection he'd heard in his daughter-in-law's voice. His son was a lucky man, all his 'sons' were to have found and secured such perfect life-mates. He took a deep breath and continued his lecture, determined to make all his points before the meal was over and the kids too restless to listen any longer. "Dr. Metallium discovered that networks operating at this critical point had the inherent ability to generate a whole new set of dynamics not previously predictable. Self organization would occur when feedback loops caused the dynamical energies to begin a swirling pattern, forming a **vortex **of swirling energy. The self organization would then flow out of the quiet center. That which would emerge could not have been previously predicted. In social situations immense creativity and inspiration can be released."

Nels Lahda stepped to the front."That's right. **Chaos and complexity allows us to accept the harsh realities of life with all its catastrophes**, and yet still have hope for the future and a sense of meaning in our lives. We can see the gods as the dynamic interchange of order and chaos producing all the wonders we see about us. Chaos and complexity leave the future open and unknown, maintaining our free will and ability to create our own future while moving in harmony with the gods as the underlying strange attractor linking all life."

"Perfect example," Rezo said. "Which brings us to: The Lesson of the Vortex."

"I hope this brings us to the end. I want to move around some before I go on stage," Lina commented under her breath.

Rezo was relentless, however. "When water in a turbulent stream hits an object, it leaves a vortex in its wake. **The vortex is a self-organized order in the midst of chaos**. The lesson of the vortex teaches that in times of great turbulence, there are places of stability, order, and safety. Effective leadership in a time of turbulent change creates a vortex, adapting to shifting conditions and providing stability and order. Rigid, unyielding systems cannot adapt to turbulent change, and they get swept away. Self-organizing systems are flexible and responsive, allowing the vortex to emerge."

Zelgadiss looked at his watch, "This vortex is ready to get on with the party..."

At this point Nels Lahda took up the lecture. "I was fascinated by how elements of chaos theory could help explain what has been going on these past years. Give me a moment to have my say, and then you can go party on, okay?"

"Fine...Sir," Zel said with a self-conscious blush.

"Thank you," Nels smiled and began, "In churches where the structures and processes are rigid and tightly controlled, there is little adaptability. When change comes, it is threatening, frightening, and sometimes destructive. When churches are flexible and responsive, change simply motivates self-organization to a new, more appropriate form. The key is learning how to see through the turbulence to the place of greatest potential for the vortex to occur.

"This brings me to a re-visitation of The Lesson of Subtle Influence. As you heard from our science friend, we now realize that influences as subtle as a butterfly flapping its wings in Seyruun may result in significant shifts in weather patterns halfway around the world, which implies that there is **no such thing as an 'insignificant act.'** The smallest cause may yield the most incredible effect. This is the lesson of subtle influences. Subtle influences are unpredictable, small, often unintended acts that move us to new places. When we are aware of subtle influences, unexpected change ceases to be unexpected. **Change is natural**, and we are better able to respond to every new contingency.

"Subtle influences in the church may take the form of a misunderstood word or phrase, a simple change in a pattern or process, the loss **or gain of a single** member, a need within the community, or any of a thousand other factors. Leaders in the church gain much when they remember that there is no such thing as a casual comment or an insignificant act.

"This, you'll be happy to know, kids, brings me to my last point: The Lesson about Collective Creativity and Renewal. Dealing with chaos and turbulent change is more than most individuals can handle. Collaboration, cooperation, and the pooling of intellectual and material resources are essential for navigating our chaotic world. Adaptability depends on a deep well of experience, creativity, and variety from which to draw.

"Collectively, we possess much more than any one individual. As we share thinking, feelings, visions, and ideas, we generate the kind of creativity needed to adapt to chaotic change. Better yet, creativity breeds creativity. When collective creativity is at the center of our organizations, then we create self-renewing systems.

"Chaos demands continuous improvement and renewal, which is impossible without dynamic creativity. Leaders play a dual role in creating an environment that supports collective creativity and renewal. First, leaders identify the constraints that hinder creative thought; and second, they establish processes that promote idea sharing and collective vision.

"In the church, it is important to **challenge** continuously the "we've never done it that way before" and/or the "we've always done it this way" thinking that is often so pervasive. Set patterns and **rigid rules** are the primary impediment to creativity. It is also helpful to create "what if?" exercises to use in our meetings, classes, fellowship, and worship experiences. Merely asking, "What if money were no object?" or "What if we had all the time we needed?"" or "What if we were a brand new church in this community?" can open the way to a wealth of collective creativity."

"So, you see," Nels broke into a warm smile and gazed upon each of the smiling couples, "You have all changed the White Shrine, the Cephied and Volphied clans, destroyed the syndicate... you have changed the world and everyone in it owes you a debt of gratitude. And, starting with Milgasia, Luna, Mayor Phil, Professor Rezo, we took our new approach to thinking to the Supreme elder and the clan council. I think they understood and had a change of heart."

"Yeah, but I think there were come other considerations pressuring them as well," Val said.

"Oh yes! I don't think that they were expecting the loss of Wolfpack Island and their financial footing in the Ancient clan holdings to be the cost of holding out a vendetta against Xelloss, our friend here."

Nels approached Filia first. "I hope you'll reconsider your acts against your clan?" He caught Val's eye, "And your threat also."

"I got what I wanted. Wolfpack belongs with my clan, and so do I, now that my husband can be a part of it with me," Filia said.

Luna and Milgasia exchanged relieved looks, "Thanks."

"Oh, yeah...same goes for us," Val said. "Long as they all took the appropriate action when presented with the facts. I can share the wealth."

"Oh, my gods!" Sylphiel shrieked. "It's almost time for us to go onstage!"

In a rush and flurry of activity, the Slayers thanked everyone for coming and hoped they would all enjoy the concert. Security agents were called to escort the family and friends in the room to their box seat accommodations, while Lina _et al_ flew to the basement dressing rooms to get into their costumes.

"Geez...and on my wedding day, too!" Lina sighed, but then laughed, "But I wouldn't have it any other way!"

And it was a grand concert

and a grand party

and the Slayers were blessed with a grand life, as it turned out.

The End. SHJ Ten Year Reunion -- Chapter 21

* * *

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* * *

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**SHJ Ten Year Reunion – Epilogue– Post 10 year reunion**

What follows are some recollection from a few of the Slayers, some of which I found in my mom's notes, but the last I gathered later myself from my father to be appended here at the end. See, I've finished your story, mom, like I promised.

Love,

Lon Inverse Agares

Early years:

Xelloss related this story:

Filia and I were at Val's spa, Filia stretched out alongside a steaming pool in her shorts and a very thin blouse. Although it was winter, the rising heat from the hot springs was enough to keep her comfortable. I was in the water, admiring her. It was always a wonder to me that Filia, that gorgeous creature, had married me. I remember clearly, reaching out and putting my hand on her abdomen. It struck me how hugely lucky I was. This lovely woman was carrying my child and united to me in love and marriage. "My wife..." I whispered, "Your last," she reminded me, and she was, of course, right.

Amelia related:

My saddest moment occurred when Zelgadiss came home early to tell me that we'd never be able to have children. It wasn't that news that saddened me so much as his telling of it. He was in misery as he told me that his chemical accident had sterilized him, that there was nothing wrong with me, just him. I could tell that he felt he had let me down beyond forgiveness. I told him that that wouldn't stop us from having children, only me from having to bear them and that it would free us from the confines of birth control forever. He just shook his head. I was trying too hard to cheer him up.

The turnaround happened a day or two later. He was looking over a list of children, handicapped by misfortune, disfigured by accident or abuse, all cast aside, rejected. I suggested that we help them. He told me that he was, he was a doctor and he visited them at the orphanage where they lived. I asked to go with him the next time. And that was how we found our cause, and our first child. Eventually we adopted eight, but we were foster parents for...oh, I don't know...50 or more children over the years. So, I guess you could say that my saddest time led to my best and most rewarding phase of my life.

In Val's words:

When Lina and I first learned that she was pregnant, I was angry. I considered it to be the biggest mistake of our lives and figured that it threatened our happiness. I almost walked out on her that day. I'm really glad... I've been thankful ever since for the grace of the gods that gave me the strength to only get as far as the old pool hall. There, I called my friends, and they came. Gourry, what a rock that guy... He assured me I'd do fine as a father. Xelloss said he'd help and so did Zel. They all promised to do everything possible, as long as I went back home that night.

Course I did. I couldn't leave Lina alone. Not after having her mother walk out on her. Lina couldn't deal with rejection, I knew that and besides... I needed to prove that I could get past my problems with the ghost of Gaav. I would not be the father he had been.

I know I haven't been a great one. I've made lots of mistakes my son will tell me about when he gets older, but I really tried. And my son's got the best uncles for examples, when his old man falls through. Oh, and Li too. She's the best. She's the caretaker of my heart.

Sylphiel recalled: 

I have been so blessed with a wonderful extended family, including both Gourry's and mine, to help me. Three children were so much more than two! I had been an only child and had no idea how tired, torn, and traumatized I would feel at the end of the day. But my mother-in-law was so experienced! I learned how to run a busy household from her. Gourry's younger brothers Alfie and Chuckie were great babysitters, until they became too busy in high school. Then Quentin, Filia's young brother would come into town with Xelloss and stay with us, becoming a frequent babysitter. Xelloss was always willing to take any or all of our kids, although I think they had too much unruly fun with him. Xelly...was not big on discipline, let's just say. Nor was Lina. Her boy was the wildest kid...

Middle years:

Filia had this to say:

One of the funniest scenes I came home to, and there were lots of them as you can imagine with two sets of twins and Xelly-pod as their daddy, went like this... "Hey, I'm home...Xelly? Where are you?"

"In the dining room, honey!" I heard his muffled voice call out.

I'd been at the Mace and Vase all day. My feet hurt and I was ready to kick back and have a glass of wine, so when I heard 'dining room' I was pretty excited thinking that he had dinner all laid out on the table for us. Ha! Like that would happen! When I dumped my briefcase and shoes at the door, I followed the giggles and squeals of our children to the dining room. There under the table was my husband. The infant twin girls were laid out on his chest, while the twin two year old boys had tied Xelly's arms and legs to the table legs.

"Fil! Hi! Say, could you give me a hand?"

Well, okay, so you had to be there to see how totally ridiculous he looked, but you get the general idea, right?

Amelia laughed when she recalled:

I never imagined myself being a mother to so many children. I always pictured myself a lawyer bringing criminals to justice with my handsome husband. I was that, but then I became much more. Zelgadiss and I championed to bring affordable plastic surgery and counseling to children disfigured by abuse or accident. We didn't need a huge income, so I offered free law services for those children needing support and Zelgadiss provided psychological counseling for all the underprivileged children in need. He never wanted any child to suffer as he had. My heart still swells to think of his commitment and achievements, his biggest being becoming a father.

Zelgadiss has been a great father. His boys love and respect him and his girls love and dote on him. I think they all want to play in a band together just to emulate him! Of course, Zelgadiss hopes that they will all go to college and make something of themselves and not become musicians, but we will see.

Gourry wanted to say this: 

My proudest moment was when I raised the sign over my wife's Japanese fabric import business. It was the start of something big, I knew it. She is such a capable woman. I've never thought that anyone gave her enough credit, so constructing the office attached to the refurbished warehouse was my way of supporting her dream. I think when she received the Seyruun business woman of the year award five years later may have been her proudest moment, but for me it was knowing I'd done something for the woman who'd given me every happiness in world. I could never hope to give her as much back, but I try.

Val wanted to say:

Li and I have had our ups and downs. At the worst point we separated for nearly a year. She liked traveling and often Xelloss or another friend offered to accompany her, but just as often she set out on her own, alone. That year apart was really terrible. I started up with the smoking and drinking again. All the vices I could come up with. Gourry came over to the house and told me to look in the mirror, and gods...I saw the old man glaring back at me. I went into detox for a month while Gourry, Xelloss, and Zel shared my son.

News must have made it to Lina, because when she returned, she visited me at the facility and vowed never to leave without me...ever again. I told her it was okay. I told her as long as I knew that she still loved me, it was all right. But she said, no. She had shocked herself at how callous her treatment of our son and me had been, just like her mother. She hated that about herself.

We agreed to family counseling and that was a big help. Now we travel together, even our son whether or not he wants to leave his buds; he always tells us those are the best times, once we get back. And they are, nearly. The best for me are when we are together, wherever we are.

Xelloss had this to relate:

I remember the day one of my boys thought he'd like to take dancing lessons. His twin brother ran to tell me, hoping I'd talk him out of it. He didn't want his brother's 'affliction' to rub off on him. We had a long discussion about choices in life. I told them both that I wanted them to explore all their interests, since they would never know what would be their life's focus unless they tried. They agreed and the matter was settled. I thought. Turns out the dancing lessons were only to get him closer to a particular girl, which the other twin thought wouldn't be such a bad idea for him either. There were lots of girls in the class and just a handful of very 'in demand' boys.

I am most thankful to have achieved this point in life. I have a wonderful, beautiful wife and four truly amazing kids. And you know what's really great? None of the kids got my ADD affliction! It never went away for me, but I have been very lucky not to have to keep to any schedules; not for work or anything. I walk and work out at the Dojo at times, play drums, and dance and I must say I have a most satisfying life. I would like to see my kids all married and settled into happy lives, but I don't think I'll have the chance. My headaches reoccur and get worse. I know that something is wrong, and so does Zelgadiss. I'm a lucky man to just be alive and to have lived this most remarkable life.

Later years:

Filia:

I feel blessed in life for sure. I never really believed that Xelloss would live to see his children grow up. For the longest time I had this fear in the back of my mind that some old enemy from his past, the syndicate, would pop out of the wood work and kill him. There were one or two close calls, so it wasn't paranoia on my part. But, Xelly did. He was able to watch them grow up into wonderful young adults before his sudden and tragically young death. Zel was with him to give him the terrible diagnosis, brain tumor. The next day, my beautiful, wonderfully loving and gentle husband collapsed for the third time in a week, and never rose again. Yes, I miss him terribly, but then I had the most wonderful life with him. I have no regrets. I have his beautiful children as living memories.

Amelia added this:

I know that dear Zelgadiss had this special link with Xelloss all his life. When Xelloss died, a bit of Zelgadiss died too. Actually, the stress on his body after fighting the poisoning from the chemical burns as a youth for so many years, was just too much. That's what the doctor's said. But I know that when his 'brother' died, a piece of his heart died and that was what caused it to give out two years later.

I know Zelgadiss died a happy man. He was so proud to see all his children do so well for themselves, even the youngest. Our baby chose not to go to college, but to a music school where he became a masterful guitar player, just like his dad.

I miss him everyday. Without my other friends and my children, I don't know how I could have dealt with his loss. I thought I was the strong one, and maybe I was. I don't think he could have survived had I gone first.

Sylphiel wanted to say:

Val was the only man from our band to attend Gourry-dear's funeral. Even Zangalus and Zolf had past away the year before. Joey had died so tragically in that accident that took his wife and child, and of course, others told about Zelgadiss and Xelloss. The worst part of growing old is burying your friends, because with them go the memories of all those times, the past you had together. Children are of the future. And even as they enjoy to hear us relate some of our old tales, I don't think they relate to them as real, as our lives when we were growing up. And to the grandchildren, it's become myth. No, only Val, Lina, Amelia, and Filia and I can really understand what we all went through.

And to close, Val said:

Who'da thought I'd be the one to outlive all the others? My prospects as a teenager gave me a life span of about 25 years. Well, I beat all the odds and now at 110 I'm still going strong– at least I think I am. Could be my mind's shot and none of this is true. I often wake up in the morning and think they're all still alive and my Li is making us breakfast. "Val, get up and eat. We got band practice in an hour!" I can hear her say. Yes, those are the best mornings. I often dream about building forts with the other dudes on the beach, playing concerts to capacity crowds, and just hanging out with Li up at our cabin. Those times occupy my thoughts most of the time now. I'm not ready to give them up just yet.

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A final note from the authors:

And that's the end of the Seyruun High Jinx series of stories. Rat and I (and all of the minor contributors to the writing team) would like to thank you, our lovely readers for contributing your ideas, posting your opinions, keeping us on our toes, and inspiring us to greater heights over these past five or so years. We have had a blast using the Slayers characters and their anime and manga stories and incorporating them into this tome of adventure, mystery, fun, and romance. Although this story is complete now, we will continue writing others ones as our ideas form new horrific situations for these guys to fight through; these guys, the ones we all love and know as the Slayers.

Thanks again for all you've shared with us each time you have read and reviewed the many chapters,

Kaeru Shisho

**The End. SHJ Ten Year Reunion

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